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1
00:00:18,010 --> 00:00:19,690
Sorry to startle you, ma 'am.
2
00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:21,210
I'm looking for your husband.
3
00:00:26,710 --> 00:00:27,710
That's a good one, sir.
4
00:00:28,910 --> 00:00:30,850
But I'm just helping out around the
house.
5
00:00:31,310 --> 00:00:32,890
You see, we're a modern family.
6
00:00:33,550 --> 00:00:36,650
Harriet's out working late, so I'm up
here straightening up and cooking
7
00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:38,570
Cooking and cleaning?
8
00:00:39,750 --> 00:00:42,310
My God, man, where's your self -respect?
9
00:00:43,850 --> 00:00:45,790
I have plenty of self -respect.
10
00:00:46,470 --> 00:00:49,350
Oh, touchy. What is it, PMS?
11
00:00:53,150 --> 00:00:54,990
Here, this is for you.
12
00:00:56,250 --> 00:00:57,250
A beeper?
13
00:00:57,370 --> 00:00:58,370
That's right.
14
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,660
From now on, when there's important
police business that needs to be handled
15
00:01:01,660 --> 00:01:04,120
quickly, I can reach you anytime,
anywhere.
16
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:09,600
Sir, are any other sergeants getting
beepers? No, just you.
17
00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:13,540
All my other sergeants have already had
their annual performance review.
18
00:01:15,860 --> 00:01:17,120
I understand, sir.
19
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,800
Excellent. Now stick that beeper in your
purse.
20
00:01:27,770 --> 00:01:31,930
Lieutenant, let me just emphasize one
thing here.
21
00:01:32,970 --> 00:01:35,490
I wear the pants in this house.
22
00:01:35,910 --> 00:01:38,210
I am the breadwinner.
23
00:01:38,430 --> 00:01:42,250
I am the man of this house.
24
00:01:42,610 --> 00:01:44,090
Hi, honey, I'm home.
25
00:01:47,350 --> 00:01:48,450
What's for dinner?
26
00:02:03,370 --> 00:02:09,770
It's a rare condition, this day and age,
to read any good news on the newspaper
27
00:02:09,770 --> 00:02:16,690
page. Love and tradition of the grand
design, some people say, is even harder
28
00:02:16,690 --> 00:02:17,690
find.
29
00:02:18,390 --> 00:02:24,230
Well, then there must be some magic clue
inside these gentle walls.
30
00:02:25,570 --> 00:02:31,550
Cause all I see is a tower of dreams,
real love bursting out of it.
31
00:03:06,350 --> 00:03:07,350
You're getting oatmeal.
32
00:03:11,190 --> 00:03:12,290
Uh -oh, uh -oh.
33
00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:15,870
That's Lieutenant Murtaugh. This could
be an emergency, and I'm not even
34
00:03:15,870 --> 00:03:16,870
yet.
35
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:09,340
Don't you try out for Romeo.
36
00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:12,440
No, that will make it a comedy.
37
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:18,480
You know, those were the exact words
uttered by Miss Steuben, the play's
38
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:23,040
director. But, of course, she was bright
enough to see that my dashing good
39
00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,040
looks...
40
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:01,140
Are you going to audition for Juliet?
41
00:05:01,980 --> 00:05:02,980
I'm not sure.
42
00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:04,800
You should. You'd be great.
43
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:09,400
Absolutely. I mean, you are related to
me, and I am a wonderful actress.
44
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:10,539
That's right.
45
00:05:10,540 --> 00:05:13,080
I've seen her tell a man she was 23 and
not even blank.
46
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:20,160
Well, gotta go.
47
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,120
What was the emergency call?
48
00:05:22,660 --> 00:05:27,860
Oh, uh, Lieutenant Murtaugh wants me to
pick up his...
49
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:29,500
Uniform at the cleaners.
50
00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:32,580
Watch this performance.
51
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:36,600
Oh, Carl!
52
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,120
Don't go out there all alone.
53
00:05:39,620 --> 00:05:41,980
We're crazy about you, you big lug.
54
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:34,200
Take a seat. Where?
55
00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:36,060
Pittsburgh.
56
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,820
Oh, Miss Dubin, you slayed me.
57
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,280
Oh, oh.
58
00:06:47,420 --> 00:06:53,600
As I was saying, the auditions were
spirited, but the part...
59
00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:06,340
to see him in tights.
60
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:11,760
Now, I have narrowed the choices for
Juliet down to two girls.
61
00:07:11,980 --> 00:07:15,640
It will either be Maxine or Laura.
62
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,900
Daniel, would you mind reading with the
ladies?
63
00:07:22,220 --> 00:07:26,300
Well, it will be my extreme and intense
pleasure.
64
00:07:27,020 --> 00:07:28,240
Maxine, you go first.
65
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,920
But soft.
66
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:36,820
What life through yonder window breaks?
67
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:41,720
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
68
00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:45,360
See how she leans her cheek upon her
hand.
69
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:50,420
Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand,
that I might touch that cheek.
70
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,800
You are so gorgeous.
71
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:57,320
Thank you.
72
00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:01,560
Thank you, Maxine. That was a very
interesting interpretation.
73
00:08:05,130 --> 00:08:06,870
How'd I do? Oh, you were great.
74
00:08:07,670 --> 00:08:11,970
All right, Lawrence, your turn. Let's
start with line 31, act 2, scene 2.
75
00:08:19,690 --> 00:08:20,990
Does thou love me?
76
00:08:21,810 --> 00:08:24,250
O gentle Romeo, if thou dost love.
77
00:08:25,430 --> 00:08:26,830
Pronounce it faithfully.
78
00:08:28,390 --> 00:08:29,470
There's our Julia.
79
00:08:29,730 --> 00:08:30,730
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
80
00:08:36,620 --> 00:08:37,620
Good night.
81
00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:44,460
Parting is such a sweet song that I
shall play good night
82
00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:47,960
till it be morrow.
83
00:09:15,810 --> 00:09:18,210
Sweetheart, you look fine.
84
00:09:22,850 --> 00:09:23,970
Thank you, Carl.
85
00:09:24,810 --> 00:09:29,130
In fact, why don't you and I just skip
dinner and stay home tonight?
86
00:09:30,390 --> 00:09:31,890
We could do that. Yeah?
87
00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:39,490
But if we do, we'll miss the all -you
-can -eat special at Chez Josephine's.
88
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:45,840
Let's go.
89
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,660
Oh, no, not Murtaugh again.
90
00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:55,740
Sweetheart, I know it's a pain, but I'm
in my annual performance review time,
91
00:09:55,820 --> 00:09:57,080
and I gotta be on my best behavior.
92
00:09:57,300 --> 00:10:00,420
But don't worry, I'll just call
Lieutenant Murtaugh and tell him we have
93
00:10:00,420 --> 00:10:01,420
plans.
94
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:08,260
Now, always remember, Laura, that great
acting comes from within.
95
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:14,440
Legendary performances come from actors
who can reach deep down into their souls
96
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:15,760
and dredge up pain.
97
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:18,000
Can you feel it, Laura?
98
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,760
Can you feel a pain?
99
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,580
I feel a pain, Aunt Rachel.
100
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,280
And I'm hoping it'll go back into the
kitchen.
101
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,820
Carl's telling Lieutenant Murtoff that
we're busy tonight and he's not
102
00:10:36,820 --> 00:10:38,380
to run his personal errands.
103
00:10:38,590 --> 00:10:41,790
Yes, sir. That's two burgers. Well done.
104
00:10:43,330 --> 00:10:46,950
Small order of fries and one vanilla
shake.
105
00:10:47,450 --> 00:10:48,269
Yes, sir.
106
00:10:48,270 --> 00:10:49,129
Got it, sir.
107
00:10:49,130 --> 00:10:50,009
No problem.
108
00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:51,990
Glad to do it, sir. Okay. Bye now.
109
00:10:57,610 --> 00:10:59,250
Now, Harriet, I know what you're
thinking.
110
00:10:59,850 --> 00:11:03,770
But the poor guy's car is in the shop
and he's lying on his stomach with a
111
00:11:03,770 --> 00:11:04,770
painful boil.
112
00:11:09,450 --> 00:11:10,329
I don't believe this.
113
00:11:10,330 --> 00:11:15,710
I rush home from work, take two hours to
get ready, and now I've got to stay
114
00:11:15,710 --> 00:11:18,190
home because your boss has a boil.
115
00:11:20,970 --> 00:11:24,830
You see, Lord, that's the kind of pain
I'm talking about.
116
00:11:25,290 --> 00:11:28,370
Now, if you could reach deep down into
your soul...
117
00:11:28,370 --> 00:11:34,830
Well,
118
00:11:35,090 --> 00:11:38,590
I better go get Lieutenant Murtaugh's
food and ointment.
119
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,320
that this night can get any worse.
120
00:11:46,420 --> 00:11:47,420
Anyhow, Winslow.
121
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:51,380
I was wrong.
122
00:12:32,330 --> 00:12:33,029
Yes, sir?
123
00:12:33,030 --> 00:12:34,350
I found that pain.
124
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:45,930
Bravo, Juliet!
125
00:12:46,270 --> 00:12:48,350
Bravo, Juliet! Encore, encore!
126
00:12:48,630 --> 00:12:49,089
Get out!
127
00:12:49,090 --> 00:12:50,110
Get out, Carl!
128
00:12:51,870 --> 00:12:54,330
Carl, do you have to do that after every
scene?
129
00:12:54,630 --> 00:12:56,610
Ma, I happen to be proud of my daughter.
130
00:12:56,830 --> 00:12:58,870
I wish I could say the same about my
son.
131
00:13:00,790 --> 00:13:01,790
Poor Laura.
132
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,440
What do you mean? The balcony scene is
next.
133
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:05,980
Think she'll really kiss Dee?
134
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:07,500
I don't know.
135
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,480
Every time I ask her about it, she just
cries and takes another role.
136
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:16,500
Oh, did you bring that beeper to the
play?
137
00:13:16,740 --> 00:13:19,680
Well, Ma, Lieutenant Murtaugh ordered me
to carry it at all times.
138
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,520
I'll go see what he wants.
139
00:13:23,660 --> 00:13:25,860
No. No, I am not going.
140
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,760
No. This is my daughter's big moment,
and I'm going to be here to see it.
141
00:13:32,140 --> 00:13:32,959
Sorry, Lieutenant.
142
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,040
This line is out of order.
143
00:13:45,740 --> 00:13:49,600
I'm proud of you. You got your
priorities straight.
144
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:53,720
Here goes.
145
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,060
The balcony's safe.
146
00:15:55,850 --> 00:15:56,850
I shall say goodnight.
147
00:16:00,570 --> 00:16:01,850
Till it be morrow.
148
00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:07,950
Oh, God, I wish it were morrow.
149
00:16:55,370 --> 00:16:56,650
Did I do that?
150
00:17:01,670 --> 00:17:07,930
I'm sorry.
151
00:17:09,530 --> 00:17:11,069
I know, Stephen.
152
00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:13,589
You're always sorry.
153
00:17:16,970 --> 00:17:23,069
Listen, Stephen, I've decided to retire
from the theater arts department.
154
00:17:23,819 --> 00:17:25,200
Oh, gee, that's a shame.
155
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:33,040
Yeah, well... Stephen, you're not taking
home
156
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,760
-ec next semester, are you?
157
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:38,240
No.
158
00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:40,120
Oh, good, oh, good.
159
00:17:40,780 --> 00:17:42,040
I'll teach that, then.
160
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:23,160
Lunkhead for jerk, jerk, jerk all over
your makeup mirror.
161
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:25,440
That's okay.
162
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,160
I'm the Lunkhead.
163
00:18:31,580 --> 00:18:32,760
Well, why'd you do that?
164
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,160
Because it's true.
165
00:18:35,420 --> 00:18:36,820
I am a jerk.
166
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,180
Laura, I ruined the plane.
167
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,140
Steve, it was an accident. I mean, it
could have happened to anybody.
168
00:18:51,470 --> 00:18:52,730
Somebody else it could have happened to.
169
00:18:54,110 --> 00:18:56,490
Nope. It was vintage Urkel.
170
00:18:59,630 --> 00:19:04,070
Laura, I've dreamed all my life of being
kissed by you.
171
00:19:04,590 --> 00:19:08,870
And when it finally happened, I blew it.
172
00:19:09,730 --> 00:19:13,270
I turned a magical moment into a three
-ring circus.
173
00:19:15,970 --> 00:19:17,850
See, if you made a mistake, that's all.
174
00:19:18,430 --> 00:19:20,230
But I ruined it for you, too.
175
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,480
I mean, you was the best Juliet there
ever was.
176
00:19:23,860 --> 00:19:25,640
And I made you look like a fool.
177
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:30,200
Believe me, Steve, nobody thinks I'm a
fool.
178
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:35,320
Really?
179
00:19:35,860 --> 00:19:39,280
Do you mean it, or are you saying it
just to make me feel better?
180
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:42,520
I mean it.
181
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:46,100
In fact, the audience liked what you
did. I mean, they gave us a standing
182
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:49,660
ovation, five curtain calls. They loved
it so much, they wouldn't even let us
183
00:19:49,660 --> 00:19:50,660
finish the pool.
184
00:19:50,730 --> 00:19:54,030
Well, we couldn't finish the play. I
leveled Verona.
185
00:20:01,750 --> 00:20:03,650
Thanks for cheering me up, Laura.
186
00:20:04,690 --> 00:20:05,690
You're welcome.
187
00:20:07,350 --> 00:20:08,350
Touching. Sorry.
188
00:20:12,210 --> 00:20:13,970
Come on, let's go to the cast party.
189
00:20:14,330 --> 00:20:15,330
Great!
190
00:20:22,730 --> 00:20:24,830
take the time to pull me out of my
misery?
191
00:20:26,830 --> 00:20:27,830
I don't know.
192
00:20:29,490 --> 00:20:31,390
Did you do it out of a love?
193
00:20:35,290 --> 00:20:36,690
No, I did it out of pity.
14248
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