Original subtitles

So the mother said to her son, I want you to be good.

And the kid said, I'll be good if you give me a dollar.

And what did she say? She said, why can't you be good for nothing like your

father?

It's a rare condition.

This day and age to read any good news on the newspaper page.

The love and tradition of the grand design, some people say, is even harder

find.

Well, there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

It's all I see, the tower of dreams, a real love bursting out of everything.

Let's smother the blues with tenderness.

There's room for you, room for me, for

gentle hearts and opportunity.

It's the bigger love of the family.

Mmm. Oh, my.

You like it, Mom?

Like it?

Like isn't a word, honey.

This cake is unbelievable.

There's something, a unique taste.

Horseradish. Horseradish.

That's why I cleared my sinuses.

Mom, making the cake was my idea.

Richie!

Well, it was.

So what? We made it together.

But I thought of it. No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did. Time out.

Richie! You know, what you just did wasn't very nice.

Why not?

Because, honey, there are times when you should take the credit.

And there are other times when you should share it.

Look, let me give you two different examples of taking credit.

Now, the first one started two weeks ago.

You think we lost him? Yep.

With all the twists and turns we took, there's no way Steve could have followed

us home.

You are an amazing woman.

I am?

Absolutely. Somehow you managed to keep a spotless home, hold down a taxing job,

and keep your fridge well stocked with liver.

And you do it all so effortlessly, with no visible strain other than a droopy

expression and slight bags under your eyes.

Thank you ever so much.

Enter the Chicago Chronicle short story contest.

Yeah. Now look, they're going to select five winners in each age category. You

should enter, Eddie.

Why?

Because you have writing talent.

I do?

He does?

Yes. Edward, you know how proud we all were of you when you got that A -plus in

English on your last report card.

Proud? I was dumbfounded.

Eddie's teacher. She actually called me to tell me how much your theme papers

had improved.

Eddie.

Eddie, what is up?

This is Eddie, what is up?

Oh, Lord, I've fallen into a parallel universe and I can't get up.

Eddie, I'm so proud of you and I can't wait to read your short story.

Steve? Say no more, Edo. I'll start writing a paper this very east.

Thanks, buddy.

Wait a minute.

Have you been doing Eddie's English papers?

What doing, exactly?

More like helping.

Exactly how much did you help?

Well, I merely came up with an idea, and then I wrote down the actual words.

I did the rest.

I'm getting something far more precious than money.

Friendship.

You see, Eddie and Rodney are going camping next month. And he said if I

them out, he'd take me along.

Wait a minute, Steve. You're trying to buy Eddie's friendship.

No, I'm not.

I'm leasing with an option to buy.

Now, let's start the other example of taking credit.

That very night, your Uncle Carl and his boss were working on a stakeout.

Was he working hard?

Oh, yes.

Very hard.

Donuts, sir?

Winslow? Yes, sir? You found a location a little closer to the warehouse?

Uh, sir, you're looking to the wrong end of the binoculars, sir.

Just wanted to see if you were on your toes.

Sir, when do you think they'll make their move?

Hard to tell.

Sometimes a donut will stay inside me for a full week.

No, sir. I was referring to the suspect, sir.

Oh.

Hard to tell.

You know these slime balls are selling computers to our nation's enemies?

I like you, Winslow.

You do, sir?

You're a good man.

Steady under pressure.

Well, thank you, sir. I try.

I've studied your record.

I know you like I know the back of my hand.

Well, I'm flattered, sir.

I've met your lovely wife, Hannah.

Your son, Edmund?

Edward, sir.

Your daughter?

Leslie. Laura.

And your sister -in -law?

Rachel. Rachel, sir. That's what I said. Oh.

Yes, it is.

Rachel's very...

What do you think she feels about me?

Well, I am sure that Rachel feels exactly the same way that I do, sir.

Excellent.

You know I know we're on duty here.

I think we should be on a first -name basis.

That okay with you, Kevin?

know your first name?

It's Lieutenant.

Excuse me?

I had my first name legally changed when I achieved my present rank.

Sir, what was your name before?

Sergeant.

Gotcha.

Can I count on you to be discreet, Keith?

Davenport's out to get me.

Really? Well, sir, I always thought Captain Davenport was... He's jealous of

He knows I'm better qualified for his job than he is, and he's too insecure to

admit it.

And one day he caught me wearing his uniform.

What?

I just wanted to see how I looked with Captain Spars.

But Davenport threw a hissy fit, said there was no room on the force for a

-ho lunatic.

The commissioner will take notice.

Meanwhile, Steve went ahead and wrote a short story for Eddie.

Ten days later, guess what?

Do you believe it? Isn't it incredible?

I'm dumbfounded.

But at first, Eddie took credit for it. Did he fess up?

Well, here's what happened. Your mom and grandmom were so excited they could

hardly contain themselves.

Well, come on, let's go spread the news. I'm dying to do some phone bragging. Me

too. And Helen Winters always frapping her gums about her granddaughter being a

TV writer.

Wait till I tell her my grandson is a real writer.

came up with a title.

All right. I don't care about the glory. Besides, the whole thing will be good

for a laugh when us guys are sitting around the old campfire chewing our

bazooka. Right, Eddie?

Right, Eddie?

Uh, not exactly, Steve.

You see, there's a minor snafu regarding the camping trip.

Snafu?

Yeah. You see, when I told Rodney about you going with us, he thought it was a

terrible idea.

Oh, typical. But you stood up for me.

Right, buddy?

Well, Steve, I tried.

But Rodney said I had to choose between you guys.

I see.

And you chose Rodney.

I'm sorry, Steve.

We'll go camping together some other time.

Just you and me.

I promise, okay?

Okay.

on the short story contest.

Is this a bluff?

Try me.

All right.

I'm going to go tell my mom that you've been doing my English papers for me.

And the truth is, Steve, I have been feeling guilty about taking advantage of

you. So I'm going to go call Rodney right now and tell him you're going

with us whether he likes it or not.

Thanks, Eddie.

You're welcome.

Eddie?

Yeah?

Crazy boss.

Well, that very night, they were on a stakeout for the tenth night in a row.

Seventy -eight.

A new personal best.

Congratulations.

You sure you don't want to give her another try?

No, thanks.

My nose still hurts.

You know what you need?

A career change.

There's a place down the street, Great Eggplant Parmesan.

Well, sir, eggplant is great, but according to regulations, a stakeout

should never separate. Don't quote regulations to me, Winslow. I helped

the damn regulations. Yes, sir. It's up to me if I want to violate myself.

No wonder the criminals are winning.

I'll give you the word.

All right.

Computers.

Suspect.

Okay.

Open up the briefcase. Come on.

Open up the briefcase.

Show him the money.

Too bad I can see you and you can't see me.

That's Murtaugh.

M -U -R -T -Augh.

Got it.

What kind of computers were the suspects selling?

Computers.

Well, the computers were, um... They

were the high -power, high -capacity computers of the type used

by the United States military.

Lieutenant, have you determined what country the computers were being sold

Oh.

The destination was somewhere in the Middle East.

Sergeant Winslow, why are you supplying all the answers?

Well, the lieutenant here is a modest man.

But he planned and executed this entire operation.

And I am proud to work under Lieutenant, Lieutenant Murtaugh.

Well, it's over.

Good bust.

You'll probably get a commendation.

And I just might get my promotion.

Carl.

Yes, sir?

You not only covered for me, you gave me the credit.

Why?

Well, sir, it really doesn't matter who did what. I mean, you went out to get us

eggplant, and I stayed here and ducked bullets.

It balances out.

No, it doesn't.

I messed up big time.

A lot of guys would have taken advantage of that and hogged all the glory.

Instead, you shared it with me.

Well, sir, the bottom line is we're a team.

Thank you.

You're welcome, sir.

There are times when you have to stand up for yourself like Uncle Steve did.

And then there are other times when it's really nice to share the credit.

The way Uncle Carl did?

Exactly.

Judy, I'm sorry that I hogged all the credit.

That's okay. You're young.

Okay, give me a hug.

Now, you two go on upstairs and hop in the bed, and I will be up to tuck you in

in a minute. Okay.

No homework.

And no kidding around.

Antonio Banderas in an ABC Family premiere.

We're through!

Five Kids 2, Sunday at 8, part of Home for the Holidays, only on ABC Family.