Original subtitles

Richie Crawford, I told you no candy before dinner.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

Honey, now that you're a big boy, you're going to have to learn to listen to

your conscience.

What's a conscience?

Your conscience is a tiny little voice inside your head that tells you when

you're doing something wrong.

Understand?

I guess so, but what about that even louder voice?

Louder voice?

Yeah, the one inside my tummy that says, give me candy.

It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper

page. And love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

And all I see is a tower of dreams. Real love bursting out of every

scene.

We're going to fill our house with happiness.

But we'll smother the blues with tenderness.

There's room for you, room for me, for

gentle hearts and opportunity.

It's the bigger love of the family.

Wow. This Todd Helms is a new transfer student.

Isn't he gorgeous?

Seems a night tall. Probably a fatuary problem.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Todd Helms.

Oh, me too.

I mean, I'm Laura Winslow.

I'm here to apply for the waiter job.

It's Phil.

Oh, no, it isn't.

Applications are over there.

Phil went out there and talked to my Aunt Rachel.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, Laura.

Laura.

Gee willikers. Her hormones are stamping.

Mr. Sniglitsky?

Right this way.

How are you?

Have a seat.

Now, um, have you ever worked in a restaurant before?

You have a lovely hat.

I do try to look my best. It just gives the place a sense of style.

Uh, now, can you work weekends?

You have a lovely hat.

Mr. Sniblitsky, what is your name?

You have a lovely hat.

I'm sorry, sir, but I need a waiter who can talk to my customers.

You understand.

Good luck in America.

You have a lovely hat.

Thank you.

Bye now.

Bye -bye.

Watch that corner.

Bye -bye.

Attention, please. If you want this job, you have to speak English.

talk good English.

Okay.

Uh, your name is? Look, I need weekends off, a month's paid vacation, and free

food for me and my friends.

Next.

ball player. He led his own school to the state championship.

Well, I was just re -elected equipment manager of the golf team.

Anybody needs a punter, they come to me.

Welcome aboard.

Well, we have our new waiter.

I mean,

congratulations. Thanks.

A tall rival.

Well, then I'll just buy me some stilts and a winter back.

After lunch, I went for a jog in the park.

Come on, Carl. You jog?

Well,

actually, I was chasing the ice cream truck.

But as I jumped ahead, I saw something shiny.

Feast your eyes on this.

Ooh, Carl.

Are those diamonds real?

Extremely. Ooh, they must be worth thousands. $15 ,450.

We can't keep this.

You're right, Carl. I know we can't keep it.

Yeah, we'll sell it.

Honey, with 15 grand, we could take that dream vacation we always talked about.

I can't be improved.

You got it, babe.

Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise?

Forget about the cruise.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Now, Mother, there'll be plenty left over.

I'll buy you a prettier bracelet.

Less ostentatious.

You mean cheaper.

Now, Mama, let's not count our diamonds before they're hot. I have to turn this

into the precinct. But if nobody claims it within 30 days, it's ours. Good.

Uh -oh.

Here's an inscription.

To my precious poopsie.

Well, that doesn't help.

This city is packed with poopsies.

Right. Let's go look at those cruise brochures.

You still have them? Sure.

I've been following them away on the air for fat chance.

Twenty -three.

Twenty -four.

Twenty -five.

Two.

I feel great.

Not me.

I've lost Laura.

Well, Steve, look on the bright side.

You never had her.

there's a new wrinkle.

Well, what is it?

Well, you know Todd Helms.

Sure. Great ball player.

Real nice guy.

I love him. A simple I know the dude would have sufficed.

Well, what about him?

Well, he's flunky geometry, which means he'll get bounced off the basketball

team, which means his pop will ground him, which means no dates with Laura,

which is good for me, except Todd asked me to tutor him. Now, what do you think

of them apples?

What was that first thing again?

obstacle between me and my lady love.

See, the only obstacle between you and Laura is you.

Boy, I hold Todd's fate in the palm of my hand.

Should I teach him to fly high or squash him like an insect?

Mom, what's the capital of Belgium?

I'll give you a hint.

Which vegetable do you hate the most?

The capital of Belgium is broccoli.

Brussels, Judy.

As in Brussels sprouts?

I'll let that all sink in while I go play Nintendo.

Hello, babe.

Hi, honey.

Any calls today about the bracelet?

Not a one.

I mean, what would that big ad you put in the paper?

Carl, you did put in the ad.

Oh, sure.

Full page.

You popped for a full page ad in the Chicago Chronicle?

Well, not exactly.

What exactly?

It's, uh, it's in the Amish Almanac.

We feel that we fulfilled our obligation here. I mean, we turned the bracelet

in. Now it's up to Poopsie to claim it.

Carl, think about it.

Right now, poor Poopsie is probably crying her eyes out.

Harriet, believe me, Poopsie is not poor.

Well, even so, we have to try to find the owner.

Then if nobody claims it, you'll have a clear conscience.

like I did anything wrong.

My conscience is clear.

Is it really, Carl?

Who are you?

I'm your conscience.

And I'm not feeling very clear.

What do you mean?

haven't really tried to find the owner of that bracelet, have you, Carl?

Well, I... Hey,

Carl! Don't listen to that whip!

It's finders keepers, losers weepers!

He's got a point.

Yeah, and it's on his tail.

It's your duty to help people.

I'm going to try my best to return the bracelet.

Way to go, Carl.

See for a second about Todd.

Gee, Todd this, Todd that.

I'm getting tired of hearing about your hot toddy.

Look, Steve, I know it's a lot to ask, but I really appreciate it if you tutor

Todd.

This is a toughie. What in the devil am I going to do?

You called?

Who are you?

I'm your dark side, your underbelly, your worst impulse.

In short, I'm your id, kid.

Well, what do you want?

Why not help you out, buddy boy?

You've been overlooking the... Perfect solution to your problem.

Oh?

Well, tell me more.

Promise it to your Todd.

Then give him all the wrong answers. Yeah.

He'll be out of the picture, and then you will get luscious, Laura.

Oh,

badderful. Is that the way you want to win, Laura? Through treachery and

Well, I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

If Laura finds out that you gave Todd all the wrong answers, why, she'll lose

all respect for you.

Oh, sure, like she respects him now.

Listen, Steve.

Look, I hate to keep bugging you, but I'm really desperate.

I'm going to fail math, and you're my only hope.

Please, Tootamy.

Okay.

Okay, go get your books.

You're the best.

Well, you're gonna give him all the wrong answers, aren't you?

Just think about it, babe. You, me, moonlit deck.

Starry skies, waves rushing by.

Caribbean, here we come.

May I help you? I hope so. Are you the nice people who found my diamonds? No.

gave me this address.

Do I have the wrong house?

No, you don't. Please come in. Oh, thank you, my dear.

I'm Eunice Peavy.

I'm Harriet Winslow. This is my husband, Carl, and my mother -in -law, Estelle.

Hello.

Please have a seat. Thank you very much.

Over here? To the couch.

Thanks.

I would have been here sooner, but I was on a Caribbean cruise.

Please, may I have my jewelry?

Excuse me, but perhaps you'd like to describe it first.

Of course.

It's pavé diamond set in 18 karat gold.

Well, you're right so far.

Can you tell us what the inscription says?

Certainly. To my precious poops.

This city is packed with poopsies.

Carl, give it up. It's hers.

Here you go, ma 'am.

Oh, oh,

oh.

I'm so happy.

Oh, it's so refreshing to discover there's still good, honest people in

world. How can I ever thank you? No, it's not necessary. No, really not

necessary. Nothing at all. Perhaps a cash reward.

Oh, money.

Here's $20.

$20. Don't argue.

I insist.

Oh, well, ta -ta, and thank you ever so much.

I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am.

Ever since we lost this, Poopsie hasn't eaten a bite.

Uh, excuse me, excuse me.

I'm a little confused here.

Aren't you, Poopsie? Oh, my, no.

Poopsie's my kitty cat.

Thanks to your tutoring.

Oh, gee, that's swell.

I just hope you crazy kids will be very happy together.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just head back to Urkel Hut and throw myself on

the cheese grater.

Uh, Steve, you don't have to. Todd and I broke up.

important than a tall body.

Well, which leaves the door wide open for yours truly being 98 % brain and 2 %

brawn.

Oh, see. Oh, Laura, my love, we're going to be so happy together.

Want to go pick up our china pattern?

Look, it's true I want a guy with something upstairs, but I also want a

-built staircase.

Well, no problemo. I'll just begin our rigorous training schedule.

Why, a few sessions on the muscle, master, and you'll be drooling over my

deltoids. Blah.

What, Steve?

I hurt myself. Can you carry me?