Original subtitles

I hate my school picture this year. My hair looks funny, my dress is ugly, and

I'm smiling like a goon.

Yeah, that's you.

Hi, Laura, my little photogenic fox.

It's that time of year again, the day everybody exchanges their school

Sorry. I don't think I can spare one, Steve. I only have 144.

Oh, I understand.

I'll just stick around and stare at the real thing.

Here, take two. And don't bother me next year.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. I've got yours outside.

Is it just me, or do I get better looking every year?

It's just you.

This day and age to read any good news on the newspaper page. And love and

tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams.

Hi, sweetie.

How was your day?

Rough. I just spent two hours talking to a guy off a ledge, then found out he

was a window washer.

I can't believe you did this to me.

Why are you so upset?

It was just a stupid video game.

Stupid video game?

Well, what's the problem here?

I don't have a problem. I just got the highest score ever at Space Invaders.

Oh, sure.

Rub it in.

Well, I guess we know now who used to have the highest score.

I don't think girls should be allowed to play video games, period.

They should stick to cheerleading where they belong.

Eddie, that is the most chauvinistic thing I've ever heard you say.

I'll straighten him out, honey.

Come on, son. We need to have a little talk.

Step into my office, please.

What's wrong?

Well, son, I don't think you're upset because you were beaten.

I think you're upset because you were beaten by a girl.

Well, yeah.

Son, this is the 90s, the age of the enlightened man.

We are no longer threatened by women who are smarter or make more money or who

beat us at sports.

We're not?

No.

Son, today's man is compassionate and sensitive and only wants to live in

and harmony with today's female.

A real man... is a man who was able to admit defeat.

Now, I want you to go back in there, and you tell your sister that you're happy

for her.

All right.

Go ahead, son.

Laura, I'm sorry I was such a sore loser.

You beat me fair and square, and you deserve to be the champ.

Thanks. And, Eddie, I didn't beat you.

I crushed you.

Edward.

You're right.

Lord, it's the 90s, and I'm an enlightened man, and I only want to live

and harmony with you.

Congratulations on your victory.

Wow. You left here with Eddie Winslow and returned with Alan Alda.

Bye, Ted.

Bye, Lord.

You guys have great form.

Rachel, will you forget about picking up those two guys and pick up that spare?

I can do both, you know.

Great idea.

I can't think of a single reason not to do this every week.

Hi, everybody.

I just thought of a reason.

Steve, what are you doing here?

I come here three or four times a week.

Oh, it's sort of like a second home.

Oh, no, Carl. That would be your place.

Dad, it's your turn.

Go get it.

three strikes in a row, she beats you by one pin.

You hear that, Mom? You can still win.

Are you kidding?

Mom could never beat Dad.

Eddie, never say never.

That's right, never.

Get up there, honey. Show them what you're best at.

I want a rematch, and I want it now.

The winner and still champion, Carl Otis Winslow!

I can't believe that, man.

Harriet, just be glad Carl won the rematch or we'd still be at the bowling

alley.

I hate bowling.

It's a stupid sport.

You got that right.

Throwing an ugly 10 -pound ball at a bunch of ugly sticks while you're

ugly shoes.

It's an ugly sport.

It's a great sport.

And do you know why?

Because it's a man's sport.

I'll have you sell women to know to leave it alone.

It's late, and I don't want to hear any more fighting. Go upstairs and go to

bed.

He started it. How did I start it?

By being born first. You got the whole family off on the wrong foot.

Boy, five hours at a bowling alley.

That's the most time I ever spent in rented shoes.

I hope Carl got all that gloating out of his system.

Ladies and gentlemen, as the winner of the bowling rematch, I

hereby declare this an official Carl Winslow holiday.

Looks like there's still a couple of gloats left.

Excuse me, I'm going to go check on Richie.

What's wrong with her?

Carl,

no one had fun tonight but you.

Now, Harriet, I am surprised at you. I thought you were a better loser than

this. You're wanting a rematch, okay? Case closed.

Now, come on, Harriet.

I think we need to talk about this now. Because I don't want you to feel bad

just because I'm the better bowler.

if it made you feel bad.

Give me a break.

No, Harry, now come on. I think you'd feel a lot better if you just came right

out and said it.

That I'm the better bowler.

You want to face some truth, Carl? How about this truth?

The only reason you won that rematch tonight was because I let you win.

Well, you don't really expect me to believe that.

Yeah. And it's not the first time I did it either.

I've been letting you win at bowling ever since before we were married.

Richie's fine.

Hey, Rachel, you want a good laugh?

Sure. Your sister claims that she let me win the rematch.

I knew it. I knew you were holding back.

See, what did I tell you?

Oh, sure.

She's your sister. Of course she's going to support this silly notion that

you're a better bowler than me.

Carl, I'm warning you. I mean, it's a simple fact of nature.

Men are better bowlers than women.

What kind of male chauvinist garbage is that?

Now, Rachel, I'm not saying that men are better at everything.

But, hey, we're talking bowling here.

And bowling is primarily a man thing.

That puts the men in the lead.

catch up to them.

Uh -oh.

Steve Bowles next.

Look, if he makes another strike, we are in real trouble.

Don't worry about a thing.

I'll answer him.

Hi, Steve.

Hi, Laura.

You know, I shouldn't be mingling with the opposition, but I just wanted to

you how handsome you look under...

Really? Yeah.

And I just wanted to wish you good luck.

Thank you.

My, what strong arms.

Think straight, boy. Think straight.

It's all up to you.

Yeah, Carl.

If you bowl a strike, you'll be a hero. But if you don't, you'll be a bum, a

loser, a dope, a joke artist. Thank you, Steve.

That's enough encouragement.

Good luck.

Let's go, Carl. You're holding up the game.

Yeah, we just want to claim our victory and get out of here. Not so fast.

I feel a strike coming.

discussing who won the bowling match, the men or the women.

You're grown -ups acting like children.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Now, I want to settle now.

And do it quietly.

I've got a 6 a .m. karate class.

happened to us?

Miss started out as a fun family outing and ended up as War of the Winslows.

Grandma's right.

This competition stuff is stupid.

You're right, Eddie.

I'm going to bed.

Me too.

Race you upstairs.

Boy, what a night, huh?

Broke three nails, got a blister on my thumb, and I probably caught pneumonia.

Other than that, I had a great time.

Good night.

You know, Harriet, it was dark.

Maybe I didn't knock down all the pins.

So you're saying the women won?

Well, let's just call it a tie.

I'll accept a tie.

And the next time I'm better than you at something, I'll just keep it to myself.

No, it's not fine.

Harriet, why should you have to do less than your best just to protect my male

ego?

You mean that?

Yes. And, sweetheart, I am sorry for acting like a male chauvinist sometimes.

That's all right, honey.

You don't do it very often.

In fact, someday soon, you're going to be that enlightened man you told Eddie

be. Well, I promise I'll keep trying.

That's the spirit.

My shoulder.

I think I pulled a muscle throwing that last strike.

It wasn't a strike.

Harry, if you can get this kink out of my shoulder, you can call it anything

like.