Original subtitles

Don't you think a bug bomb is a bit excessive?

Well, my first thought was to lure all the ants into the living room and then

burn the house down.

You've done it again, Doris. You put the taco chips with the onion dip.

What the hell difference does it make? You don't use taco chips with onion dip.

They go with the salsa.

The crinkle chips go with onion dip.

What chip goes with go to hell?

I guess they call it mom and pop because mom's going to pop him one in a second.

Go back.

Hey, George, how you doing, Cindy? Nice to see you. This is Ellen, my cousin.

Hi. Hello. George runs the ER.

Oh, of course you do. On TV? I've seen you on TV.

Yeah, he's also Batman.

Oh, yeah.

You are a pimp.

She's a pimp, isn't she, Cindy?

You know who you should set Ellen up with? Who's that?

Scott Marcus.

Huh? Oh, well, that'd be something, but I'm in a relationship. Yeah, and

besides, she's gay.

So you're gay.

Yeah.

Yes, I am. Hey, Spence, are you still carrying around my dental records?

maybe you could share those with them also.

How about that? Did you hear that, hon?

Ellen's gay.

She sure is.

Look at the taco chips with the onion dip.

Look at... You'd be a good person to ask this.

Was Liberace really buried with his piano?

Yeah, I'm not really sure, but tomorrow when I have lunch with Elton John, I'll

ask him.

Here is something that I bet you can help us with. Can we hang burgundy

in a room with gray walls?

You'll have to excuse him, Ellen.

That's something you'd ask a gay man.

Who do you like in the Dinah Shore Open?

It was nice meeting you. Well, nice meeting you too, George. And I'm sorry I

couldn't answer that carburetor question.

See you later, George.

A couple of clowns, huh?

Yeah. You know, maybe if you heard, you could jump in the tiny car with them.

Yeah.

I'm sorry about telling you you're gay. I didn't... Well, is that the most

interesting thing you could think to mention about me?

I mean, have I been collecting stamps for nothing?

Look, I told him I was in a relationship. That's all he needed to

how they reacted, like I was some kind of creature at a zoo.

I mean, they were looking around for a machine to get 50 cents worth of lesbian

food.

I thought that the whole point about coming out was to come out into the open

that people like that can see that gay people are nothing to be afraid of.

well, I want to be out and I want to be open, but it's complicated, you know?

Me?

It should be my choice who I tell and then when I tell them.

Why did they put the bug spray so high? Kids can't get to it.

You know what? I think you're being a little sensitive about this whole thing.

You don't understand. People treat you differently when they find out. You

wouldn't appreciate it because you're a straight man living in a world that's

mostly straight. It'd be different if you were in a world that was mostly gay.

Everything's going to be ruined, and for what? This is your fault.

I tell you, Doris, I've been telling you not to stack those cans so high.

You can't miss an opportunity to give me the business, can you?

43 years we've been together, and you've been giving me the business.

I should have married Sally Lewis.

She knew how to stack a shelf.

What's going on?

You'll be fine. Just some of the fumes from the bug spray.

I guess you're right.

Oh, my God, I'm missing four of my legs.

Heard you had an accident, Kovac. Yeah, no, we're going to be okay. We thought

we might end up seeing you in the ER tonight after all.

Well, come on, hon.

I just had the strangest dream while I passed out. I had a dream that...

Straight people were running the world, and gay people were the minority, and

you were straight, and Paige was straight. I was like the only gay

Yeah, I once had a dream that I was the only gay person. Well, me and a young

Ricardo Montalban.

Fantasy Island, indeed.

Submitted for your approval.

An alternate universe.

where straight people are the minority and gay people are calling the shots.

Ellen Morgan and Spence Kovac have just crossed over into the nicest part of the

Twilight Zone, where we've already begun renovations and are raising property

values like you wouldn't believe.

Tonight on Nightline, heterosexuals in the military, yay or nay?

Ed Koppel interviews Speaker of the House Candace Gingrich.

Also, we'll meet Herb and Jim Stump, two of the many World War II veterans who

found love on the beaches of Norman.

Well, Joe's back. All right, pizza.

You know, Spence, you haven't been out with anybody since you broke it off with

Raul.

So? I'm just saying Joe's going to make some lucky fellow really happy someday.

Oh, don't push this thing, okay? Joe and I are great friends. I don't want to

ruin it.

Hi. Hi.

I got your favorite, quattro fromaggio with baby broccoli.

I cut the crust off just the way you like it.

Oh.

Wasn't that nice of Joe?

Yes. Thank you, Joe.

You're welcome, mister.

Here's your change. Thanks.

Hey, it's one of those new $3 bills with Dennis Rodman on it.

Sit here.

This series can... Contains adult subject matter. Parental discretion

is advised.

Strongly, strongly advised.

So silly, just because Helen Hunt kisses that guy.

Oh, goody, Joseph here with the pizza!

Finally, this one can't get it on when she's hungry.

Sweetie, you are invincible.

What can I say, Audrey? I can't get enough of your fine stuff.

You know what, Al? We can't have any pizza because we've got to go furniture

shopping. Oh, that's right. We're going to Straight Town to buy a Barca lounger

for Spence.

We have to go there?

Well, where else can you find a chair with a cup holder in the armrest?

Bye, Spence.

Hey, Peter. Hi.

So, ready for our little field trip to Boys and Girls Town?

You know what? I'm just not so sure about it.

What is your problem with straight people? I don't have a problem with

people. I haven't been to straight town in a while.

Not since my fraternity was there and they held down straights and gave them

decent haircuts.

Spends. We really have to be more tolerant.

Stiff wrists have made huge contributions to society.

You know, there's even a rumor that John F. Kennedy was straight.

standing out like sore thumbs. Walk straighter.

I like to think of myself as a liberal, but I am feeling very ooky.

I think it's fascinating.

Men in hardware stores, women getting manicures. Up is down, down is up.

It's like a freak show.

Oh, dear God.

Is this their idea of art?

A painting of a little boy kissing a little girl?

That's not art, that's pornography.

Who is this Norman Rockwell anyway?

I can't take it anymore. I'm going to get out of here. We'll come with you.

no, I've got to go to the hospital anyway.

What about your chair? I don't need it. From now on, I'm going to park my butt

where God intended it. Another man's lap.

Wow. I had no idea Spence was such a heterophobe.

He's lived a very sheltered life. San Francisco, Greenwich Village.

Key West.

Oh, thank God, a bar.

I could really use a strong drink.

Okay, but in this neighborhood, they're not going to know how to make pink

squirrels.

I can't believe that woman back

there just came up to me and started talking to me.

I figured she was a waitress.

Okay, tell me, Ellen.

Do you think I give off a straight vibe?

I don't know. It's hard to say. If you want, I'll act like your girlfriend.

How's that?

Pretty good?

Maybe a little too good.

Maybe.

Hey,

we should dance.

Okay. Oh, my God. You mean us together?

Hey, you can leave.

I start to crack up. You pinch me. Okay. Okay.

No, baby, we're dancing on the beat.

Dance straighter.

Oh, my God.

Helen, I think this woman is smiling at me.

Hey, this man's taken. Find your own hunk of beat.

I'm not interested in your boyfriend.

That's the man I want.

I don't believe this. I mean, there's no way Spence can be straight.

He's just going through some weird experimental hat phase.

Yeah, yeah, sure, that's probably what it is.

Well, I need to go meet Barrett.

Kiss him until the world makes sense again.

Hey, Spence.

Al, Al, what are you... Excuse me. Al, what are you... I was doing a...

Look at that. That was research for the abnormal psychology department at the

hospital. Thank you. Excellent work.

Spence, you don't have to lie to me. I'm not lying.

The hat.

It's true.

I'm straight.

I'm as straight as Lloyd Bridges.

you sure about this i've known about this ever since we were little you know

were the only little boy who didn't get upset when paul mccartney married joe

namath do you hate me no i

love you no matter what you are i support you i want you to know that this

such a relief thank you for being so great you're my cousin and what makes

happy makes me happy apparently that includes kissing women

It's so great to talk about, just to say it out loud. I like girls. I love the

ladies. Oh, you're preaching to the choir. Yeah.

You know what?

I'm going to make a confession now.

Hallelujah. Just you allowing me to be so honest, I'm going to come out.

Really? Yeah.

Tomorrow night at my birthday party, I'm going to tell everybody. I just want to

know that you're going to be behind me, that you're going to be there for me.

Oh, well, it's like President Madonna said.

What you need is a big, strong hand to lift you to higher ground.

That sounds pretty good, Joe.

Oh, thank you. I want Spence's birthday to be special, so I'm writing him a love

song. Ooh, uh, bad idea.

Why? Now, Spence hates love songs.

It'd be ironic if he loved hate songs, but he doesn't.

Spence loves all types of music.

Oh, give me a home with Spence and me alone.

Oh, never was there such a match.

Our lives will be right with good loving each night. And our kisses will always

be French.

That's pretty. But, you know, maybe Spence likes his music from a different

of instrument.

Okay. I see.

Yeah. I've got a banjo tune as well. No. Oh, Spence, go banjo, go banjo. Okay,

no. Um, no. I think maybe you shouldn't come on so strong. Oh, I get it.

The coffee boy isn't good enough for your doctor cousin.

Peter,

I'm really nervous about this. Spence is going to tell everybody tonight that

he's straight.

Oh, is that a good idea?

I don't know, but it's his decision, and we should support it. Of course.

In fact...

I know a lot of straight men I could set him up with.

Women.

Straight women.

Boy, this is going to be tough.

Yeah.

Hey, Al.

Hey, big lug.

Ow. Sorry.

It's all right.

All this newfound freedom has made me feel bulletproof.

Guess who's inviting more people to the party tonight?

Guess who's going to make a beer run.

All my co -workers, the guys from my opera club, everybody. I'm going to tell

everyone tonight.

I'm proud of you, you know, and I think it's great that you want to be honest

with everybody, but maybe just telling everybody all at once isn't the best

Hey, I'm straight. It's great. Get used to it.

And the way you took it has given me strength to do it. That's why I'm coming

out. Okay, well, yeah, but maybe not everybody's going to react the way I

you know? I mean, remember that film they showed us in junior high?

Straight Billy?

Portrait of Shame? Yeah.

Hell, you have nothing to worry about.

Knock, knock.

Okay, I'm going to prove it to you. Hey, you guys, come on in. Have a seat.

Watch this.

Hey there, birthday boy.

What's up, Spencer?

Well, Spencer's going to make a little announcement that we're all going to

and then react calmly to.

Yeah.

All right, I have some great news, and it's something that I've wanted to tell

you guys for a very long, long, long, long, long time.

I'm straight.

See how easy that was?

Get your meaty paws off of her.

Easy, Paige. This is platonic.

Right. I know how you people operate.

Hold on a second. Just because I'm straight does not mean that I like all

You mean to tell me that when you and I were in the shower together at the gym,

you weren't checking me out?

Look who it is. It's your old pal Peter, and everything is exactly as it used to

be. Correct?

Right?

Spence, I want you to know that I'm your friend, and I will always support you.

Thank you.

And I also want you to know that you're always welcome in my home.

Okay. Just parking back.

Well, one time someone parked a minivan in front of the house, and my neighbors

called the cops.

Oh.

Hey!

Come back.

Oh, don't you cry for me.

Me.

Me.

Hi.

Hey.

Joe, I just want you to know this. Just one night. That's all I ask. Joe.

Just so you can see what you're missing. Just one night. Listen, it's not going

to happen. Just one night. Listen to me. You can't.

We can be great friends, though.

Sure we can.

Are we still on for antiquing on Saturday?

Wouldn't you rather go to the monster truck rally with your girlfriend?

How'd it go? Oh, wow, not too good. It's a lot harder than I expected, Elle. You

were right.

Well, you've got to keep in mind, stovetop stuffing did not replace

a day.

Just give it time.

Oh, no.

I can't tell the guys from work. Are you kidding?

My closest friends couldn't take it. I can't tell people I hardly even know.

Yes, they're your friends. You have to go in there. And tell them my whole life

is a sham?

I don't even know what a sham is.

Or a duvet.

What's a duvet?

What happened to the duvet? I just want to go home. I want to go home. I want to

go home. I just want to go home.

I just want to go home. I want to go home.

I just want to go home.

I just want to go.

What's going on?

Oh, you passed out from the bug bomb.

Oh.

Wow, that's the weirdest dream.

The whole world was gay, and I was the only one straight, and when I tried to

tell people, they had the most difficult time with it except for you.

Ben, did I turn into a really cool goblin and fly away?

No. Oh, man.

Anyway, Elle, I know what you're saying about people treating you differently.

I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to tell George you were gay.

That's okay.

Hello. Hi.

Hi.

Okay, this is really weird.

You guys missed a way cool costume party.

Aren't these costumes amazing?

This dog? It's a cat.

You have to hear about Spencer's dream he had.

Yeah, the whole world was gay.

And I was the only one that was straight. And you were there. You were

You were there.

Was I there?

No.