Original subtitles

Ellen, you know, I think that we would be able to see a lot better if we waited

and did this in the morning. Ah, yeah, right. I'll call the weather bureau and

ask them to hold off the rain till it's convenient.

Man, you're freaky.

I get that way when it rains in my bedroom.

I've got to fix this leak before it floods my closet again.

By the way, thanks again for the dry clothes. Oh, don't thank me. Thank

guy left them at my house.

I think it's over here. You know, they have people that do this professionally.

I think they're called roofers.

First page I know, but ever since El Nino hit, roofers are the new

A twister mat?

Did you learn nothing from patching your shower with Scrabble tiles?

It's the only tarp I had. Give me your gum.

Well, then give me the rocks.

Okay.

Here you go.

Those are the rocks you brought?

Yeah. That's not rocks. That's large sand.

I got this one.

All right. I'll put it right there. Okay.

There. Oh, wind.

All right. That's it.

Okay.

Rachel, can you please help me?

Right. Help. I'll let your right hand on green. All right. All right.

Ah!

Oh, my hair.

Okay.

All right.

Now I see why Billy Thompson liked to play this game.

Hi, too. Those people over there.

All right.

Hi. Yes, I need to check on an order.

Please, please don't transfer me. I have talked to four people. I've talked to

Marcus, Julie, Frank, Sandra.

Yes, Sandra seems very nice.

I'm sure she likes you. Anyway, about my order.

Well, I don't know. I couldn't really tell whether she likes you like she...

Please, please, please don't trans... Hi, Sandra.

Yes, I'll hold.

Hi. Hey, what's going on?

Joe's birthday gift hasn't gotten here yet. I'm trying to track it down.

You bought him a present?

I was just going to give him a kiss and lean into him a little.

I thought I'd get him something sentimental.

Yes, hi. Um, yeah, the item number is 4089.

Yes, the blow -up Betsy inflatable fun doll.

No, I won't be needing the patch kit.

While you got him, I need a new riding crop.

You know, I thought getting Joe an inflatable doll would be a fun gag gift,

this is turning into a nightmare.

Yeah, what?

It should have been delivered in today's mail. Well, I didn't get it. That's 857

Citrus Way. I live at 859.

You delivered it to my neighbors.

But you don't understand. I need that doll.

Ha, ha, ha.

Great. Joe's party is two days away.

I know that people don't like to walk in L .A., but they did just deliver it

right next door.

I can't go over there. Ding dong, hi.

Hello, excuse me, can I get my blow -up Betsy doll back from you, please?

They already think I'm crazy. They keep catching me in these weird situations,

you and me on the roof the other day, and then there was the poodle incident.

You have a poodle?

That's adorable.

How'd you kill it?

Gigi is perfectly healthy.

She just hates my guts, that's all.

We just got off on the wrong foot.

But I still say, whoever wins tug -of -war should get to keep the chew toy.

Here's what I don't get.

Why do you care what these people think about you anyway?

I'll tell you why I care. They have parties all the time, fun -looking

and they invite other people from the block, but they never invite me.

And I want to go.

But now, if they think I'm buying sex toys, they'll never invite me. Or if

do invite me, I won't go now.

You know, I think they're going to know that it's your package as soon as they

see your name on it.

I'm just going to go get it.

I'll just go ask for it. You know? I mean, what am I worried about? There's

nothing to be embarrassed about.

I'll just go. I'll be a mature adult and I'll just get the package.

I'm just going to drink a few beers first.

Gigi.

Gigi. No, shh. Quiet, doggie. Shh.

Gigi. No. Come on. Hush.

Hush. Hush, puppy.

Your neighbors think you're crazy. What's so bad about that? I got a crazy

neighbor. I'm okay with it.

Paige, just because a guy has a telescope and he doesn't point at your

window doesn't mean he's crazy.

I just want the Patels to like me, that's all.

So you went out and bought them a gift basket the size of a Lexus?

I didn't buy it. It's an old hamper that's been laying around. I've been

to use it for something like this.

It's just a little too big.

It's going to look like I bought them a gift basket and kept half the stuff

myself.

Oh, that's thoughtful.

Wine and breakfast cereal.

Are you going to mock me or help me?

Don't make me choose.

Here.

Keep one for breakfast.

Still, there's a little... Ah.

Yep.

Appliances say, hello, neighbor.

Now, there we go. I'll bring this over to them and show them I'm not the crazy

person they think I am.

It still looks a little empty.

Oh, that's all right.

On my way over, I'll pick some avocados off that tree in their yard.

basket, and I put that together. That doorbell, that lasts a long time.

But anyway, I got you some avocado branch.

I was going to get you avocados, but they didn't come with the branch. And a

blender. I want you to make guacamole, but maybe you can just make splinters.

There. Anyway, I just thought it'd be nice to come over and meet you.

In person, because, you know, you probably think I'm kooky. You've seen

know, different places, and I just want you to see up close that I'm just like

you.

Thank you. Yeah.

Well, okay.

So enjoy, and maybe you can come over so I can come visit or something.

And thank you very much.

Oh, the Patels are having another party.

Fancy dress -up party this time.

They even invited old man Harper.

He's crazier than I am.

Look at him out there talking to himself.

What are you doing?

Watching people who aren't me go to the Patels for another party.

Oh, one of their guests parked a little too close to that hydrant.

Where's that potholder with the mayor's phone number on it?

Ellen, will you forget about them? We have a shindig of our own to go to.

I know, but all my friends will be there. I want to go someplace I'm not

Get over this. What do you think of my costume?

I thought we were supposed to go dressed as Joe's favorite foods.

Not his other weakness, superstars of Swiss porn.

I'm the same Polly girl.

That's great.

I wonder if they're serving curry.

I hate curry.

But maybe not the way Mrs. Patel makes it.

All right, you know, Ellen, you're freaking. You've got to get over this.

put on your costume.

All right, what'd you bring me to wear?

Here's the hat.

Please tell me the bottom part is a tasteful pantsuit.

dignity, but I'm pretty sure it's gone for good.

You look cute.

No, you look cute. I look like the San Diego Chicken's weird aunt nobody talks

about.

Let's go.

This is worse than second grade when I played plaque in the dental hygiene

pageant.

You know, for an animal with no lips, you do a lot of complaining.

Where's your present?

Oh, I forgot it. I left it on the table.

Right next to my keys.

Oh, no.

Do you still have that emergency key I gave you? Oh, yeah. Great. It's at home

in my emergency key drawer.

Not to worry. I have a spare key that I keep in a hollow rock.

What? Yeah.

Where did I put that thing?

Kind of a charcoal gray that looks a little bit like a rock.

Yes, have you seen it? Sure. The other day, I brought it up to you on the roof.

I didn't know that it had a key in it.

Of course not.

None of the other rocks had keys in it. Why would you suspect the one with the

price tag on the bottom?

Listen, I am not taking the blame for this. You should have your keys on you.

Where? I'm a chicken!

If Joe ate kangaroo, we wouldn't be in this mess.

It's not such a tragedy. Just climb up on the roof and get it. Well, why don't

you just climb up on the roof and get it? I can't climb up on the roof in

Well, I'll loan you some underwear.

You have another rock with underwear in it?

Listen, I am already late picking up the cake. The bakery closes in ten minutes.

Fine, fine. Go ahead. I'll catch up to you. Are you going to be okay driving?

You know, it's all the way across town.

Please, Paige, if there's one thing I can do, it's get to the other side.

Oh, gee, gee, sweet little doggie.

Grateful French poodle.

Our American poodle saved your butts in WWII.

Startle you.

That's very good. That looks delicious.

Delicious -looking hors d 'oeuvres. One of my favorite things is hors d

'oeuvres.

Mmm.

It tastes like me.

Miss Morgan?

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I think the question is, what am I doing here in a chicken costume? Ask yourself

that. Don't bother. I'll tell you. But the point is, I was outside of my house.

I got locked out.

And so, naturally, I went onto the roof because I keep my key in a rock. So I

get up on the roof, and then, boom, the ladder falls down. And being a

flightless bird... Please leave.

All righty.

I will leave, but I just have to tell you that... I mean, maybe we got off to

weird start here, but, you know, you haven't been very friendly.

I've tried to be friendly.

I brought you the...

blender and the toilet paper, and I've tried, and then you have all these

parties and you don't invite me, you know, and you invite other people on the

block.

Hello, Mrs. Jones.

You know, I mean, why am I not invited?

I'm fun, if you ask anybody.

Fun, fun, fun.

But do you invite me? No.

You know, and this party looks like it could use a little bit of livening up if

you ask me.

You know?

I mean, look at all of you, just standing around with your dark suits and

grim faces, like a bunch of stiffs.

I'll be awake for my grandmother.

I'm sorry.

But that's good, because if you, you know, if you weren't having a wake, it

just a party, you know, and you have this... Well,

excuse me, I've got to go. I need to get going. I've got a party to go to, so...

Actually, for a wake, this is rocking.

Hey, a few more minutes on these, I'll give you that layered look you've been

talking about.

Glad you finally made it to Joe's party last night.

Yeah, it was nice. You know, although I expected a nicer buffet or something

like that, not just a variety of cold cuts taped to Joe's body.

There was a whole spread in the kitchen.

Oh.

Hey, things going any better with you and your neighbors?

Yes. I went over and I talked to them. I explained the whole thing. I said, it's

just a whole series of silly coincidences.

They didn't seem to buy that, so I told them I drink a lot.

Damn bees.

This is why I don't go outside.