Original subtitles

That's right.

You are not made a little bit of work.

You ready for lunch? Yeah, almost.

Just one second. Could you sit down? Yeah, I'd love to. All right.

This is the new office that the studio put you in, huh?

Oh. This is nice, huh? Oh, yeah.

It's probably just temporary, though, because the studio is going through kind

of a transition, and I'm working in television now.

Television? Yeah. Wow, look at you, Miss Big Shot.

Yeah, it is kind of exciting, isn't it? Yeah. You know, there's a lot of big

things happening in TV right now. Yeah, I understand pretty soon you won't even

need an antenna.

Right now, I'm developing a new buddy cop drama. It's called Smith and Wesson.

Smith and Wesson. Oh, that sounds, that's a hit. Boy, that's good. You know

what? You should actually, you should make Smith white and Wesson black, and

that way they learn to trust.

I've got kind of a neat idea for Wesson. No. I think that I have come up with a

hero that is totally new and original for TV.

No, please don't tell me he's gay. That is so over.

Smith is a regular handsome guy. Yeah. And Wesson... What?

Short.

Wesson Short?

Mm -hmm.

Wow. Yeah.

Great.

Can we go to lunch? Because I double parked behind Urkel's Lexus.

Wait, but I didn't... You don't think that the short cop idea is great?

I think it's great. Really, really great. And the show.

Really great.

Yeah. Well, I don't know. I don't know much about television. I mean, it does.

It sounds really great, yeah.

Who am I kidding? It sucks.

My boss is five foot one, and I'm trying to kiss up.

You don't need to kiss up.

You're good, and you've got experience.

I mean, granted, most of it is in the kissing up area, but... Ellen, I am in

hell, okay?

And not only am I in hell, but I am in the worst office in hell.

My entire career hinges on this cop show.

That's where you come in.

I need you to be a part of the focus group.

Focus group? Well, they go down to the mall, and they round up a bunch of

yokels. You know, average people like you.

And, uh...

They sit around and they watch my show and whatever they like is in and

they hate, out.

Well, I don't get it. I mean, wouldn't that lead to a lot of bland shows

originality or point of view?

Ah, it all suddenly makes sense now.

I knew that I could convince you to go undercover in the focus group for me.

Remember, be persuasive. I need the whole group to love my short pop show.

Okay, as long as I'm done by 2 .15, I've got to meet my dad from meatballs at

Ikea.

Okay.

All right, there he is. See the guy with the clipboard?

He's going to ask you if you have two hours to spare, and you're going to say

yes, and you're in.

I don't know. Last time I did something like this, I became a Scientologist, and

that was expensive.

This is serious.

Come on, remember, they're looking for people, average citizens, between the

ages of 18 and 49. 49, right. They watch a whole lot of televisions, and they

make between $20 ,000 and $40 ,000 a year. $20 ,000 and $40 ,000. Okay.

All right.

I'm going to go meet the other citizens, and we'll be watching you from behind a

two -way mirror.

You on the side of the mirror without the reflection?

Oh, crazy mixed -up world, huh?

It's about noon. Oh, really?

That's noon? Oh, no.

I don't have anything to do for two hours. I've got two hours with nothing

2 o 'clock. I have nothing to do.

120 minutes. Nothing to do at all. I don't know what I'm going to...

Do you know if they have a store in the mall that sells TVs?

Because I'm mind broke and I need to watch TV. I love watching TV. I'm

the ages of 18 and 49.

And I watch a lot of TV, you know. And I can afford to buy a TV because I make

between $20 ,000 and $40 ,000 a year.

Oh, hi, Ellen.

Hi, Joe. What are you doing here?

I was at the Sharper Image store.

You know, you can sit in that massage chair all morning before they call

security.

Are we mad at the guy with the clipboard?

I'm just trying to get his attention. He's holding a focus group for Paige's

TV show, and I want to get in.

Why don't you create a diversion, and I'll sneak in. Okay.

Hey, pal, can we go in your focus group? Oh, sure.

You know, these focus groups are really powerful.

I hear that they take each one of President Clinton's suits in front of a

group. If they don't like it, back to Botany 500 it goes.

Got in. She's behind there. Two -way mirror, huh? Yeah, they always have

things. You know, focus groups for porno movies. This mirror's on the ceiling.

That's funny. I would have thought the two -way mirror would be that one.

That would be obvious, Joe. I mean, if you believe the obvious, you make an ob

out of V and us.

Hi, everyone. I'm Sue.

Hi, Sue.

Hello.

Now, before we get started, people always ask me if that's a two -way

am not going to lie to you. It is.

But there isn't anyone behind it.

We're not Big Brother here. We don't need to secretly watch you.

Now, I'm just going to take a few notes, and then we'll send it on over to the

network. You write down everything we say?

That's right. Oh.

Ellen is great.

Let's watch a show, shall we? I hope it's good. I hope it's about a short

I just

talked to Pongetti.

Carlos Morales is dead.

This is not how I wanted it to end.

Smith, this is my town.

Someone dies out here, it's like I pulled the trigger.

Wes, you did pull the trigger.

Can I go first? Because I'm just sick and hardly contain it. It was so good.

I mean, that little tiny Sergeant Wesson, who's that? I just recall that

It's so funny. I just watched it once. It's so good. He was great, and the show

was great. I thought that it was just really great. I mean, everything about

was just great. The way it's just great, the lighting, and the way it's put

together. I just thought it was great.

I watch every episode and buy every product advertised.

love the show. If you'll excuse me, I've got to help some puppies escape from

Chalk Full of Pets.

I don't like the short cop.

Me either. Can short guys even be cops?

I don't know.

But I tell you this, I know I ain't never seen it on TV.

She's right. A short cop doesn't carry much authority.

Come on, don't you understand?

They're going against what you expect.

And everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Absolutely, but sometimes people need a little bit of guidance.

You know, I mean, for instance, you, without you here, what would we be

you know? I mean, come on, three cheers for Zoo, you know. Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray!

Sharp people are funny. I couldn't take that guy seriously.

Why? Because of his size?

It's ridiculous.

Not ridiculous in a bad way, just ridiculous in a way that, isn't this

all have different opinions, you know?

Can I just borrow that pencil just to make a point?

I think...

lot of people. You know, for instance, one out of ten men are under five feet

tall. Maybe more. We may have missed a few.

Short guy can't be heroic.

Oh, that's what they said to Lindbergh when he put the booster seat in the

spirit of St. Louis.

What about all the short guys that get the babies out of wells?

Tall, skinny guys get babies out of wells.

Not always.

Sorry, I just prefer characters who are normal.

You know what I'm saying?

Emily?

What is normal?

I mean, come on. If we put different characters on TV right now, in 20 years

from now, our kids won't think it's so weird to be different.

You know? I mean, before the Beverly Hillbillies, people used to think it was

weird to eat dinner off a pool table.

And now we know better.

I never saw what was so funny about that show.

Before Petticoat Junction?

People never bathed in water towers.

That always bothered me. Wasn't that the town's water supply?

Where was Petico Junction, anyway? Was it, like, anywhere near Hooterville? No,

Hooterville was near Mount Pilot.

No, no, you're saying that was Mayberry. It was near Mount Pilot.

And, you know what, I just saw Don Knotts in a Safeway the other day buying

house. I think we're getting a wee bit off track here. Thank you, Sue. You're

absolutely right. Thank you for bringing us back. My point is...

Wesson is a small man living in a tall man's world.

You know, but when he was up on that ledge and he was trying to talk that

down, he was as brave as any tall man.

And less susceptible to wind gusts.

That is true.

And Emily, when those two cops hit the shower, I know whose butt you were

looking at.

Come on, I was watching you, girlfriend. I saw you looking at that butt.

Come on. You know what they say, the meat is closest to the ground is the

sweetest to be found.

Well, it is right. It was a pretty good show, wasn't it? It was all right. I

guess I'd give the shirt cop a try. I'd watch the show a few times. Yeah?

All right, Miss Facilitator, no further questions.

Yes, they love my show.

Heads up, the big guy's cunning.

Hey, I've had some thoughts about this cop show of yours. Oh, I had a feeling

that it would really speak to you. I hate it.

That guy Wesson's too damn short.

But I saw it as a chance for a smaller man to be a sexy hero.

Short guys can't be sexy. I don't know.

My brother's short.

I decided to go a whole different way with the part.

Melanie, come in here.

Paige, meet your new Sergeant Wesson.

Tell Paige about your experience.

Well, I trained at the Greater Boise Actor's Studio, and next week I'm on Dr.

Quinn. I'm playing an Indian named Extra.

Boise must be proud.

You and potatoes.

Thanks, Melanie.

Wait in the car.

She's terrific.

And if crime fighting involves putting her in a bathing suit every once in a

while, what the hell?

Once in a while. Once a week.

I'm just going to run it by the focus group, and then I'm sure that they will

love Melanie as much as we do. Well, they better. Otherwise, this whole

goes bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

Well, in a short cop, who thought of that stupid idea anyway?

Short cop.

Hey, yes to the H to the O to the R to the T.

You know, this show can make being short more acceptable.

Yeah. And short people on other shows can finally stop hiding and come out of

the closet. Yeah.

Or the cupboard.

You think there really are secret short people on TV?

Oh. Absolutely. For all we know, Peter Jennings is standing behind that desk.

Sue, I think we should take a break now.

That's a recording, folks.

And you triggered it with your insightful comment. Give yourselves a

I don't think we need to take a break. I think we're done.

No, we're not. Maybe a certain focus group participant might need to go wash

hands.

Yippee, that means we're having cake.

I'm pretty persuasive, huh? I mean, really, this is incredible. I mean, once

got Billy Thompson to eat dirt, but this is big time.

That's great. Okay, but you've got to go in there and convince them back. My

boss hates the short cop idea, and he wants to replace Wesson with some

or else he's going to cancel the show. Yeah, but the focus group likes the

cop. Yeah, well, but think how much they'll love him when he's tall and

Come on, this is serious. You've got to do this. Paige, you know, I know this

started out as a joke, but, I mean, I really like this short cop show. Can't

reason with your boss?

Look. I am not some kind of a creative genius who can afford to have an

I'm just a really great brown noser, and I am in way over my head.

Come on, please.

Please go back in there and save my job.

All right, I'll do it, but I'll have you know, I don't like lying.

Actually, that's not true.

But we all agree, we like the shortcut.

Yes, yes, but I had an epiphany, okay? Which is like an idea, only it sounds

better.

I'm out in the hall, you know, when I went to the bathroom, and I come back,

I'm in the hall, and I see a tall, beautiful woman.

And she's crying, and I go to her, and I say, excuse me, madam, why are you

crying?

And you know what she told me? She leaned down to me, because she was very,

tall. She said to me...

Her photo shoot had been canceled and moved from the Caribbean to Hawaii.

All this after her handsome millionaire boyfriend burned her breakfast in bed,

and it was right there that it hit me, who really struggles in today's society?

The tall, beautiful woman.

So, what exactly are you saying now? Oh, Emily, I'm saying we need more of them

on television.

And you know what's never been done before? A show about a beautiful woman

What about Charlie's Angels?

Duh. I mean, that was three women. Okay, you're not listening. Pay attention,

Joe. One beautiful woman cop.

Policewoman. Let me finish.

One beautiful woman cop and one beautiful man cop. That's enough. Now,

this. Let's say they're in a squad car all the time. So there's this sexual

tension. Like, will they sleep together? Won't they sleep together?

Seen it.

Adam 12.

know what page you're on, but I wish that you would get on the same page as

because I need you to be on my page.

I know what page you're on, but this is important. This is about a TV show.

This is from a man who thought that Masterpiece Theater needed, and I quote,

more booty.

Ellen, I want the short cop.

No, you don't, Joe. You want the tall, beautiful woman cop. You need the tall,

beautiful woman cop. She's calling you, Joe.

She's calling you. She's saying Joe.

Joe, come to me.

Come to me, Joe, you big, bad Joe.

You big old Joe, come on.

Now, I may want you to repeat that later, but I'm not changing my mind.

TV is loaded with perfect people.

They're on every channel all the time.

While they're great to look at, they're just not me.

It's as if 24 hours a day they're telling us, We're not good enough.

Well, seeing somebody like the short cop, it said to me that real people are

important too.

Jill's right.

The last thing we need more of on television are perfect people.

Unless they're being attacked by animals.

The short cop was a good idea. Excuse me.

Oh, you can't go in there. It's where nobody is.

I can't do this.

You're doing great. Come on. If I could just get rid of Joe, I'm in.

Tell him that his aunt just had a heart attack. No, a stroke.

No, a heart attack.

I'm not going to do this. Joe's right. You have to fight for diversity.

I mean, think how brave those people were who put on Ironside for the first

time. I mean, come on. A hero in a wheelchair?

No way. How can that happen?

But he caught some crooks and captured our hearts.

You don't understand. I have to do what my boss wants. No, you don't. All you

have to do is produce a good TV show and let your boss take credit for it.

That's the American way.

If it were that easy, don't you think there would already be good shows?

Paige, you had a good idea. Something that you say you never have.

So come on, fight for this with all your heart.

And just enough gusto to keep your job.

Well, that's kind of a good idea.

I mean, it felt fresh.

Damn right. It felt fresh because it was fresh.

Okay.

You're right.

I'll fight.

Good. Okay.

I'm going to go work on a new theme song.

Hey, Ellen.

Come on, it's almost on.

Yahoo!

Oh, I'm so nervous.

You should be proud of yourself. You had a vision and you fought for it.

Yeah, well, I did have to compromise a little here and there. And the time

is not exactly what I hoped for.

Sorry I'm late. My alarm didn't go off.

Joe, this is supposed to be a fancy premiere.

My robe is closed.

The little short cop goes off the cliff, but he doesn't fall right away.

That was my idea. And then there's also this crazy plot twist that involves an

anvil. Don't give it away.

Stop. I think this is going to change the way people look at Saturday morning

cartoons.

What's the story on that wise -ass rabbit? Is he difficult to work with?

Short cop.

S to the H to the O to the R to the T.

Short cop.