All language subtitles for ellen_s04e05_looking_out_for_number_one

Claire, I know it's only our third
session, but I just don't understand how

is going to help us deal with my self
-confidence issues.

You have to trust me, Ellen.

But it's my high school journal. I mean,
I was so different then. I mean,

everything was different. People were
wearing polyester. John Travolta was

popular.

Well, polyester was a lot cheaper then.

So was John Travolta, come to think of
it.

Ellen, in order to discover who we are,
it's important to understand who we

were. Please, read.

September 20th, 1976.

Thank God that stupid bicentennial is
finally over.

They served macaroni and cheese in the
lunchroom today, even though the school

paper said American chop suey. I tried
to complain, but was told by Mr. Tolan I

should be thankful that in Russia I
would have to wait in line five hours

pair of shoes. Have you heard enough?

This is a crucial period in your growth
as a person.

Please, continue.

All right, but I'm warning you, I have
20 pages of why Peter Frampton rules in

Aerosmith sucks coming up.

What does Mr. Tolan know? I've decided
to express my frustrations in a poem I

call Macaroni and Shoes. This is so
embarrassing.

Hey, lunch lady.

Where's my chop suey you advertise in
the Edgemont High News?

Hey, lunch lady.

Up your macaroni. I don't care about the
Russians or their shoes.

I just don't understand what you could
be getting from any of this.

Let's see.

In high school, you were a shy and
awkward teen. You were overly kind and

helpful to compensate for your lack of
self -confidence. By constantly trying

please other people, you neglected and
continue to neglect the person who

matters most, you.

How am I doing?

Why Peter Frampton Rules Supreme and
Hours with Spice, Chapter 1.

Yeah, hi, good. Listen, I'm trying to
fill out this application for my home

loan, and I just have one question. I've
been on hold for a half hour. I'm not

complaining, but sure, I'll hold.

On the day that you were born, the
angels got together... Ooh, carpenters!

they get to rainy days and Mondays, put
it on speakerphone.

Pleasure's here. You're still on hold?

That's ridiculous.

Hang up. I haven't been on hold that
long.

Hang up. Hey, oh.

Oh, what are you doing?

The bank wants a written explanation of
why seven years ago I was late on a car

payment. How about this?

It was seven years ago. Get over it.

Oh, that would be fine if I was Little
Miss Rude.

What else?

You're getting better. Thank you.

Okay, how does this sound so far? Dear
lending institution, I hope this letter

finds you well. Me?

I'm just getting over a cold, but I feel
much better.

I took some echinacea. Oh, sure, it
smells a little bit, but I put it in a

of orange juice so you don't... Ellen,
Ellen.

What does that have to do with getting a
home loan?

Well, I'm getting there. I have it
somewhere.

You know, you will never actually get a
loan. Not with that attitude.

What is wrong with my attitude? There's
nothing wrong with my attitude.

I ordered tuna. This is egg salad with
onion. Who would order this?

Well, I did, but then the tuna looked
pretty good, so I thought you wouldn't

mind.

What's to mind? I'll just pick out the
onion and the egg.

See, now that is your problem.

You are a pushover.

In the industry, we invest in people
that are confident and assertive. They

like they can get the job done. The Emma
Thompsons, the Clint Eastwoods. I mean,

there's a reason they don't throw $50
million at Joe Piscopo and say, go,

Okay, okay, you want confident and
assertive? Audrey, hand me that phone

now.

I'm going to call them back.

I'm going to tell them what I feel about
what is going on with... Hello?

Yes, this is Ellen Morgan, and I'm
calling back for the third time, and I

to talk to the loan department now. I do
not want to be put on hold now.

Why do...

after the sixth time the bank put you on
hold, what did you do? Well, by that

time, I had just had it, so I told her
off. I said, listen, obviously this is

not a good time for you, so I'll call
back later. Thank you.

And you think this adequately conveyed
your displeasure with her?

Yeah.

Yeah. I think she could tell my have a
nice day was half -hearted, like I was

saying, have a nice day or don't. I
don't really care. That's how mad I am.

Ellen, may I make an observation?

Is it amusing?

Has anyone ever told you that you tend
to ramble?

Ramble? No, definitely not. No, but if
by ramble you mean taking time to make

things perfectly clear, then yes, guilty
as charged. But, you know, I mean, just

because I make things clear so there's
no misunderstanding, that, yeah, I am

guilty of. But you know what I have been
accused of is procrastination, but

definitely not rambling. Define ramble.

That.

Ellen, I think that you ramble because
you're afraid that if you're direct and

honest, people won't like you.

You're so off base, I don't even know
how to address that.

I hope you're not mad because I didn't
agree with you.

Ellen, tell me, what's the worst thing
that can happen if someone doesn't like

you?

They could yell at me or make me look
stupid in front of other people.

Destroy my life.

Ellen, you can't be responsible for
other people's reactions, so you might

well be honest and direct. And if they
don't like it, that's their problem.

Well, that's easy enough for you to say,
but what if it's a wartime situation

and I'm being held hostage?

And I can't be honest because they're
making me read my statement off a piece

paper. I mean, I guess I could try to
get it across by, you know...

You're rambling again.

If you must ramble, do it in your head,
but when you speak, honest and direct.

Understood? Well, but what if there's
a... Ellen, in your head.

Understood.

Good. You have to start looking out for
number one.

Now, I'd like to talk to you about the
role of men in your life.

Ellen, this could take a few minutes.

One of those ball and string things.
Great for the nerves.

Oh, yeah.

Very soothing.

Uh -oh. Not soothing. Mayday. Mayday.

That was broken. I was just looking. I
was trying to fix it for you.

Okay. We found your file.

Oh, good. I think you'll find everything
there for my loan pre -approval.

Everything except for what I had for
breakfast this morning.

Grape nuts and bananas.

Why did I lie to him and tell him I had
bananas?

Who am I trying to impress?

Okay, small talk. Small talk. I need to
make small talk.

Oh, big family. Five kids. Wife happy.

Listen to me. I sound like Tonto.

Why didn't I just say, keep big family?

He hates me.

He really hates me.

Miss Morgan, it says here that you sold
your bookstore to the Tom and Larry

Company, but you will continue to manage
it for them. Is that accurate?

Well, the paper doesn't lie. The pen is
mightier than the sword.

What am I doing? I'm just spouting
random phrases.

Answer the question.

Oh, my God.

I've forgotten the question. I think it
was something simple. It was yes or no.

I'm going to have to pick something.

No, yes, no, yes, no. Yes?

Okay, I got lucky that time, but I've
got to stay focused. They're not all

to be that easy.

Remember, honest and direct, just like
Claire said.

Ms. Morgan, I'm a little concerned about
this late car payment.

Oh, I can explain that.

It was, um... The truth is, I
overextended myself that month and came

little short, and it never happened
then.

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

Hey, it works.

Claire was right.

The woman's a genius.

Give me a C!

C! Give me an L!

L!

Well, everything looks to be in order,
Miss Morgan.

I don't foresee any problems with this
loan.

Really? Thanks.

Really? Thanks.

Well, are we looking at someone who just
got a home loan?

Well, it depends. Are you looking at me?

Oh, congratulations!

All right, what happened? Tell us. Well,
I hope you don't want the long version,

because I don't tell that long story
anymore. It involves rambling, and

just not my style.

Well, how about the short version? All
right, I asked the man for a loan. He

said yes. End of story.

Ooh, what a great story.

Tell it again.

I'll tell you what, that Claire is just
amazing. She's a genius. I'd do anything

for her. I'd take a bullet for her.
Well, not a bullet, but I'd take a pie.

And that's not a ramble. That's just an
amusing observation.

I'm so glad this new therapist is
working out for you. Yeah, well, if you

that's something, watch this. Joe,
you're late.

Ellen, you're blonde.

Joe, just because Ed's not here doesn't
mean you can waltz in here 20 minutes

late and get away with it.

Are you sure? Because I think it does.

You'll take a 40 -minute lunch hour
instead and make up the time that way.

But... 30 minutes? You want to go for
20, mister?

Whoa, check out the new Ellen.

I missed the jelly -spined Ellen of
yesterday.

Too bad, Joe. I can't be responsible for
that reaction.

God, you are so confident, honest, and
intelligent -sounding.

It's like I don't even know you anymore.

I said our table would be ready in five
minutes, but I think we slipped the

maitre d' something we can get in
sooner.

Joe, I don't think five minutes is too
long to wait.

Fine, don't come crying to me three
minutes from now when you're starving.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
What? You just saw the most amazing

Okay, you know how I like to park in the
farthest corner of the parking lot so

no one will ding my car?

So we get out of the car and we see this
perfectly well -dressed, respectable

-looking woman squatting by the fence
and tinkling.

Oh, Audrey, grown women don't tinkle.
We're adults. Just say it. She was going

number one.

Okay. Now, exactly what was it about the
squatting woman that screamed

respectable?

Maybe she was wearing a monocle.

We didn't see her face. No, she was
wearing a beautiful red jacket and black

heels. At first I thought it was a giant
Irish setter, and then I looked at the

heels and the earrings, and I thought
Irish setters don't usually wear that

of stuff, you know?

It's not an Irish setter.

Oh, my God, she's coming this way.

What kind of woman would do that in a
parking lot in the middle of the city?

I can't believe that was Claire, your
therapist.

Your kindred spirit. In whom you confide
your deepest, darkest secrets.

Whose parking lot you walk through.

I'm sure she had a perfectly good
reason.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe she was marking her territory to
keep other... to keep other therapists

out of the area.

We've been talking about this long
enough. We are mature adults.

Can we talk about something else? Has
anybody read a book recently?

I did. I read this thriller, Rusty Bed
Springs, by I .P. Knightley.

Listen, don't you worry, little bunny. I
have a Rolodex full of therapists who

are already toilet trainers.

Listen to you, I am not... I'm not going
to leave Claire. What kind of person

would I be if I left my therapist every
time I saw one of them pee?

Besides, I mean, she's human.

You know, we've all done things that
we're not particularly proud of.

I mean, I pledged $25 to the Labor Day
telethon when I was 15 years old and

sent in 20.

The Jerry Lewis telethon?

Ellen, the man entertains America
nonstop for 26 hours.

Do you think that toe port is some kind
of a joke?

Forget it, forget it. The point is, I'm
not going to leave Claire over one

isolated incident.

I wish you'd said that at the beginning
instead of dragging Jerry's kids through

the mud.

All I'm saying is that Claire's great,
and I'm not going to ruin a perfectly

good working relationship.

You are dreaming if you think that that
relationship didn't end in the parking

lot tonight. She's absolutely right. I
mean, I don't know how you're going to

able to look at her without thinking
about it, you know.

That's where you're wrong. I have enough
to think about in those sessions

without wasting my energy on something
so trivial as... See, I almost

forgot about it, and I suggest you do
the same.

I always thought the P in psychologist
was silent.

I fell down, actually. I'm okay.

Claire,

I just want to start off this session by
saying that I think that you're great,

and when I look at you, I think of
nothing but our good working

Well, that's wonderful.

And how did the meeting with the loan
officer go? Great. I got it. I owe it

to you.

Oh, I can't take all the credit, Ellen.
I'm not doing this alone. Everything I

do, we do together.

Oh.

There are certain things that you do
that are just you.

Things that you do that I could never
do.

Like what?

Well, like, uh... Like leaving yourself
in a parking lot, you freak.

Like giving me confidence and teaching
me not to be afraid of what others

You know why you got that loan, Ellen?
Because you were assertive, direct, and

looking out for number one.

When she said look out for number one, I
didn't think she meant look out for

number one.

What kind of weirdo am I dealing with?

Ellen. Did you hear my question?

Yes, yes. You said, what kind of weirdo
am I dealing with?

What?

I'm sorry. That was an answer to a
question I heard yesterday.

Actually, it's a question to an answer.
I saw it on Final Jeopardy. It was, what

was the original title of Silence of the
Lambs? And, of course, the answer would

be, what kind of weirdo am I dealing
with? What was your question?

Ellen, are you feeling okay?

No, actually, no.

No, I'm not.

I'm not feeling so well. Do you mind if
we cut the session short?

No, that's okay.

How does next Thursday look?

No.

Great, look forward to it.

Way to be honest and direct.

Shut up!

No, I definitely don't need to order any
magazines. I own a bookstore.

Yes, I'll hold.

Close to you.

Well, everything okay with your therapy?
Uh -huh. Why?

Because she just walked in. Tell her I
died. Hide me. Hide me. Hide me.

Ellen,

let me be direct and honest with you. I
do not want your service.

Call me back later.

Ellen, I was in the neighborhood, and I
thought I'd stop by. I hope that's okay.

I wanted to talk to you, but actually,
may I use your restroom first?

I think Audrey's in there.

Ellen, don't you think it's a little
unprofessional of your therapist to show

at your place of work?

No, no, not at all. Completely normal.
And on an unrelated note, I have to

leave. Hold on. I thought you said
everything was going really great with

and Claire. Yes, yes. Why? What did you
think otherwise?

Well, maybe because you asked me to tell
your therapist that you're dead.

Oh, that.

Haven't you heard? That's the new
expression the kids are saying. I'm

What's up with you?

Okay, I lied. I haven't seen her in two
weeks. What did you end up telling her?

I was honest. I said I just need to take
some time away from therapy to think

about things.

Ellen. I was so sorry to hear that your
friend Paige was struck by lightning.

Two weeks in a row.

What are the odds?

Well, like you said, it was probably
because of that metal plate in her head.

Yeah, the metal plate in the whole
story. Actually, the second time she was

playing golf in a thunderstorm, which is
like your thumb and your nose at the,

you know, especially as tall as she is.
She's very tall. She has that high

backswing. She's like Tiger Woods.
Ellen.

You're rambling.

Wouldn't it be better if you told me the
truth?

Yes, it would. I... Sit down.

It's, um... You know, it's everything
we've been talking about. It's me just

being afraid to speak my mind. Well,
don't be. You can tell me anything.

I've heard it all. Oh, I don't think
you've heard this.

Try me.

Remember, honest and direct. I saw you
peeing in a parking lot.

What? I saw you peeing in a... I heard
what you said. I just can't believe that

you said it.

Well, you told me to be honest and
direct and being honest and direct. Who

hell cares about your honesty?

Did you ever think there might have been
a logical reason for what I did?

Yes, we all did. That's all me and my
friends talked about.

Your friends?

You told your friends? Oh, my God.

How infuriating. Yes, but I can't be
responsible for your reaction. Shut up.

I see, I see. It's do as I say, not as I
said I did.

What? Oh, shut up!

You need therapy. Well, duh.

Claire, come on, please.

Please, Claire, don't leave.

Claire, you want to know why I did it,
Ellen? Yes, I do. You really want to

know? Okay, fine, I'll tell you.

When I was... No.

You know what?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Oh, Claire.

Let's just leave it as one of life's
great mysteries.

Like the pyramids. Oh, Claire, but...
Claire!

Boy, that was intense.

Elle, you okay?

What is so mysterious about the
pyramids?

Ellen, it wasn't you. It was her.

She's weird, and she gave you bad
advice.

No. No, Claire was right. I told the
truth, and when you tell the truth, you

the risk that someone's not going to
like you. And I may be wrong, but I

think she likes me.

Yeah, I... picked up on that, too.

But, you know, I feel better. I feel
really great. I feel like... free.

Just like I got so much off my chest
that... Yeah, I'm gonna write some stuff

down. This is gonna make me... This is
good.

Hey, therapist lady.

I took your advice.

Hey, therapist lady.

You're not very nice.

Eighty dollars an hour.

Too high of a price.

I'm really getting good at this.

Gee,

I hope Ellen's going to be okay. Maybe I
should start chipping in and do more.

Nah, she's fine.

Poor, poor Ellen.

Yet another tragic setback on her road
to mental health.

How will all this affect me?

I wonder, if I slam my head in the door,
Ellen will let me go home early.

Don't even think about it, Joe.

Huh?