Original subtitles

So, what's a cappuccino?

A cappuccino is a coffee drink of Italian origin, comprised of equal parts

milk, foam milk, and espresso.

The name is derived from the foam cap, which was thought to resemble the hooded

robes of the cappuccino friars of the 16th century.

I meant, what's it cost?

Three dollars.

Okay, what's a cafe latte?

Also three dollars.

No, I mean, does it have a little story to go with it?

Here's me.

Here's my patience.

I've lost it.

Get out of here.

Joe, around here we like to think that the customer's always right.

The customer's always right.

Where do you come up with these?

I got a good one for you.

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.

Here's another one. Here's another one.

People are basically good.

Let us know if we can help you with anything.

Yeah, just give a yell.

Actually, you know what? I could use your help on this display over here.

Oh, we were just being polite.

You know, the only reason we come here is because it's so much fun watching you

work. Well, enjoy.

Wow, this Jack Slade character is amazing.

What are you reading?

The new Nestor Big novel, Cold Steel Slade.

Check this out.

Big Gus Logan had Slade cornered, and they both knew it.

Suddenly... In one blinding motion, Slade whipped the screwdriver out of his

back pocket and sunk it deep into Gus's neck.

The blood flowed like wine.

Authors always look so distinguished in their photographs, don't they?

I love Nestor Biggs. His books are pedistic, violent trash.

I know, aren't they great?

They're for people who are too stupid to watch television.

I know, aren't they great?

Off at night should not be a forum for criminals.

Oh, you kill one guy in a bar fight, suddenly you're a criminal.

Whose life can stand up to that kind of scrutiny?

Good afternoon, by the book.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Ellie.

How are you, dear?

I'm great, and you?

I'm wonderful. I'm trying out my new pipe.

What? You don't smoke. I do now. The tobacco shop with having a two -for -one

sale, you can't pass that off.

No, you can't.

Hey, listen, if chewing tobacco goes on sale, keep in mind I got a birthday

coming up.

You know, smoking is kind of fun once you get past the dizziness and the

vomiting.

Say, what time does Tracy's plane get in? About 8 .30. 8 .30. You better get

going.

Dad, her plane is still on the ground in Missouri. I refuse to leave before she

does.

Ellen, we're all a little worried about your cousin's big trip out here to

California.

She's sweet and innocent. She isn't like you.

Well, thank you for that. But there's no need to worry about Tracy. She's always

been my favorite cousin. I'm the one who convinced her to come out here.

Dad?

Dad?

Oh, oh, oh.

I got a little woozy.

I think I'd better go lie down.

Okay, you do that. Hey, and relax about Tracy.

She couldn't be in safer hands.

This is going to be your best vacation ever. I can't believe I am finally in

Angeles.

Look, there's a palm tree.

And another one, and another one, and another one.

And you wanted to go to Hawaii.

Thank God I talked you out of that one. Wait a minute.

You could have gone to Hawaii and you chose to come here?

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Nothing.

I was in Hawaii once.

is the most beautiful place on Earth. So clean and so safe.

Oh, when I had to come back here, I cried for two weeks.

Oh.

Tears of joy, I'm sure.

She was just so happy to see the sunshine and movie stars and palm trees.

Look, there's a palm tree. And there's another one. And another one. And

one. And another one. It's kind of hard to look at them the same way once you

realize that they're just crawling with tree rats.

this friend of mine who had a rat fall out of a tree into his shoulder. Ew. He

had to get rabies shots every day for a month. Ew.

Shouldn't you guys be singing or playing the alphabet game or something?

Okay, okay.

Me first. A, I see an arsonist. Uh, B, I see a burglar.

Carjacking. Bad guy.

Tracy, they're just kidding. Bad things almost never happen here.

was the beach?

It was fun.

You okay? What happened?

Oh, I stepped on something in the sand.

You were walking on the beach barefoot?

No, a beer bottle went right through my sneaker.

It was a pretty green bottle, so if we can pick it out of her foot, I think we

have a good souvenir.

And when you make calamine lotion, I'm starting to get a little itchy all over.

Oh, my God. You didn't go in the water, did you? Well, she kind of had to. That

pit bull wouldn't take no for an answer.

Is there something wrong with going in the water? No, no. Those swim at your

risk signs are merely guidelines.

Spoilsport scientists don't want you to have any fun anymore. Don't lay out in

the sun. Don't eat fatty foods.

Don't swim in raw sewage. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You know, I think I'm just going to take a long shower.

Oh, construction crew broke a pipe out front.

There's no hot water. Well, cold's okay. I'm feeling a little feverish anyway.

Ow. Ow.

Remember, it's shampoo, rinse, repeat.

Oh, this is going so badly. I just want one thing that she does here to be fun.

Please, something fun. Anything fun. One little tiny piece of fun.

Well, why don't you take her to see a show?

Something spectacular like, uh, Sunset Boulevard?

Great, Adam. If I would have thought of that six months ago, maybe I'd be

sitting here with tickets in my hand.

Sitting here with tickets in my hand.

Not just any tickets. Fourth row tickets.

Glenn, close.

Yeah, real close.

I got it from a scalper.

I owe you big.

Hey, Tracy!

This is going to be your best vacation ever.

We're going to see Sunset Boulevard.

It's a lavish new musical by one of the world's top composers.

It's a live theater. That's why you live in a city like this.

What other shows have you seen?

Well, there was, um, Hair.

Yeah, that was 11 years ago.

And we saw your niece in Annie.

That's right.

Ben Franklin Elementary puts on quite a show.

Little Britney made a fine Daddy Warbucks.

Fourth row in the orchestra.

Hope they give me a good instrument.

16th row.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Might want to get used to this.

Back of my head.

Of course, 12 rows back would be more like this. Back of my head.

Hope you're sitting in the orchestra, so feel free to call out any requests.

We got our tickets from the Make -A -Wish Foundation.

I guess this is the best that they could do.

Sorry, but these appear to be counterfeit.

What? Well, first of all, there's only one L in Boulevard.

And we rarely, if ever, stamp our tickets not counterfeit.

Would you please step to the side, please?

Please.

Boy,

this really ticks me off.

You know, I'm going to find the guy that I bought those tickets from, and I'm

going to demand my $20 back.

Could we just sit down anywhere? My foot's starting to go a little numb.

Hey, couldn't get into Sunset Boulevard, huh?

Well, we have got just the show for you, and the good news is it's free.

What is it?

You get to be in the studio audience for an infomercial featuring a

revolutionary new line of hair care products.

Best of all, our host is TV's Tina Yathers.

Are you kidding? Yeah, sure we're up for it. Is this a great city or what?

She was in Family Ties.

Watch

your

hair. Watch your head. It's low clearance.

We sat there for five hours smiling and clapping like trained seals.

That's right. If we were at home, we'd have to make four easy payments of $9

.95. We got a bargain.

I don't know what you're complaining about.

I kind of like mine.

I look like Elvis.

You look like Beethoven.

The Elvis of his day.

You know, I think I'm going to try and get this stuff out of my hair.

You don't have any paint thinner, do you?

Oh, Tracy.

I know things didn't work out at the beach or the show or the infomercial or

anything, really, since you got here.

I feel really bad. I mean, after all, I am the one who convinced you to come

here instead of Hawaii. I guess what I'm trying to say is the best vacation of

your life begins tomorrow.

You know, I really would rather not do anything.

Exactly what I had planned. A relaxing day with me at the bookstore. But it's

not just any day. There's a celebrity book signing. I'm not going to tell you

who it is, or you'd never fall asleep tonight.

I probably won't get any sleep anyway. My scalp is really starting to burn.

That's no burn, that's a tingle.

Remember what Tina said, that's how you know it's working.

Without even thinking, Slade Doe behind the wheel of the jet car as a hail of

bullets rained down from above.

This could be interesting.

For 22 years, he'd driven only Hogs and Harleys, and now he had a $2 million hot

rod to joyride in.

He noticed the crowd of tourists standing between him and the only road

town.

What the hell, he thought.

They probably got insurance.

Well,

that certainly was special.

I think my favorite part was when Slade yanked off the man's arm and beat him to

death with it.

Sure, the writing gets a little flowery at times, but it didn't Fitzgerald's.

Well, Mr. Biggs will be signing autographed copies until closing.

Look, Ellen.

A tear.

Your speech about Nestor touched me.

Well, then we're even because several of Nestor's fans have tried to touch me.

He is selling a lot of books, though.

Tracy, can you get me two more cases of books upstairs?

Yeah.

Mr. Biggs, I really love your prose.

It's so real.

It feels like it was written in blood on scraps of paper scrounged up in a

prison cell.

Well, actually, it was written on a Macintosh PowerBook 180.

Now keep a change of clothes in the office. Go get yourself cleaned up.

It's all right. In case anyone's interested, I'm fine.

This is horrible.

I mean, from the moment Tracy got here, everything has gone wrong. All I wanted

to do was give her a nice vacation.

I love her to death, but I really wish she'd just gone to Hawaii.

What if we're not ready to leave?

Well, then I will have to kick you out on your sorry butt, my friend.

I'm tired and I want to go home.

All right.

This is the single most profitable day in the history of the bookstore. I

love Nestor Biggs.

I want to thank him.

Thank him. I want to hug him. Where is he?

He's out front flirting with your cousin.

I'm going to yank his arm off and beat him with it.

Tracy! Tracy!

There they are. And there they go.

Tracy!

So, uh, how old is this little girl?

Twenty -three.

Months? Years.

Look, ma 'am.

When a grown woman willingly climbs on the back of a man's motorcycle and goes

off with him, that's no crime.

That's a date.

Did I mention that she wasn't wearing a helmet? That's a crime.

And neither was he. That's two crimes. They're on us free. Go get them.

Can't the police do anything? This Nestor Biggs guy is a killer.

If you're talking about Nestor Biggs the writer, he probably took her up to Hog

Heaven. It's a bar he owns up the coast.

That's right.

And who's afraid of Slade?

Jack Flade meets this young Midwestern girl at Hog Heaven, and they journey up

the coast living and loving on the open road.

Living and loving?

I'm going to get my car keys.

Hi there. Excuse me.

Hello?

Pardon me.

Excuse me.

Okay, stop.

I don't see him anywhere.

If that pig has heard her, I'll... I'll... I'll take his books off the new

noteworthy table.

Let's go to the bar and see if anybody's seen him. Try and blend in.

Hi.

Hey.

What can I get you? I'll take a beer. Adam? A beer.

Two beers, Holly?

A glass of Chardonnay?

Three beers.

Say, Bart, I got you here.

You seen a man named Nestor Biggs?

Not real good with names.

Yeah, well, he's a big biker type. Kind of, you know, beard, tattoos.

Not too good with faces, either.

He's the author that writes the Jack Slade novels?

I don't read much.

Oh, for crying out loud, he owns the place. He signs your paychecks. Lady,

a hint.

Okay, we've looked for them. Can we go home now?

Yeah, what's your rush?

I think this place is pretty cool.

I don't know why I've never come here before.

I thought these guys would kick the crap out of you.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Hi there.

Hey.

You hitting on my woman?

What?

He wants to know if you're hitting on his woman.

Look, I gotta warn you, if you're planning on hitting me, I have a very

high -pitched cry.

It'll certainly lessen the degree of your satisfaction of victory.

Excuse me, I hate to interrupt here, but have you seen Nestor Biggs tonight?

Yeah, came in here about an hour ago with some girly mitts. They're in its

private room.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

One side.

Coming through.

Open sesame.

Yellow.

Why not? Making myself clear, I need to get into that room.

Room's private.

You don't understand, my cousin's in there.

Big's asked not to be disturbed.

What's your name?

Big Ed.

I like it.

Simple, logical.

You're big, your name's Ed.

Doesn't take a genius, pretty self -explanatory.

I'm Ellen. Little Ellen.

Man, a few words, I like that.

Are you married, Big Ed?

Is there a Mrs. Ed? Not that you're Mr. Ed, that's a talking horse.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is I'm attracted to you.

You're just my type. You're big and you're hairy and sweaty.

What do you say you and I skedaddle into that private room and get to know each

other better?

Sorry.

Come on now. My cousin's in there. I've got to get in there. We can do this one

of two ways. The easy way or the hard way. Now you just decide because one way

or the other I'm getting in that room.

Are you ticklish?

Tracy! Another inside straight!

Unbelievable!

Tracy!

Ellen, what are you doing here?

Looking for you. I was worried you just took off.

Oh, please. Like that's not exactly what you wanted.

What are you talking about?

You didn't want me here in the first place. And then when you got stuck with

you made sure I had a bad time.

Look, I admit everything's gone wrong, but those things just happen here.

just L .A. Oh, come on. No place is that awful.

No, it is. Really, ask anyone who lives here. Then why do you live here?

The weather?

Look,

you've got to believe me. I wanted nothing more than to have you here and

you the best time of your life.

Then why'd you tell Holly you just wished I'd gone to Hawaii?

Oh, that. I just felt really responsible for your rotten vacation. I do wish

you'd gone to Hawaii. I wish I'd gone to Hawaii.

I wish we'd all gone to Hawaii.

That hot tropical sun's too much for my sensitive skin.

You know, I am sorry that I ran off like that.

And I do appreciate everything that you've done for me, as horrible and

as it has all been.

Oh, Tracy.

What do you say we just go home, huh?

Go.

and join us. Yeah, come on. We'll deal you in, babe.

Yeah, lady, have a seat. Really? Yeah.

Okay.

You do know how to play poker, don't you?

Do I know how to play poker? What kind of question is that?

Shuffle them. Deal them.

I raise you. I call you.

Auntie.

Uncle.

I'm an experienced veteran poker player, if you ever saw one.

Wow, these are great cards.

Of course, I could be bluffing.

Camera work.

Without even thinking, Slade dove behind the wheel of the jet car as a hail of

bullets drained down from above.

Drained down from above?

Right away?

You're reading, right? Yeah. Okay.

but it's really starting to go numb.

Say, couldn't get into Sunset Boulevard, huh?

Well, we have got just the show for you, and the good news is, it's free.