Original subtitles

Yeah, well, Bob, I find my immense wealth to be more of a burden than

else.

Oh, sure, I can buy the big houses and the fancy cars. That's just not me.

I would love to hold Bob.

Who's Bob?

Bob the rent control guy.

He's the biggest rent control guy in all of Los Angeles. Everybody knows about

Bob.

We live in a city of 10 million people. Everybody does not know about anybody.

Bob! Oh, yeah, oh, very quiet, yeah.

No parties, no pets, nothing, not a peep.

Yeah, I'm like a monk.

Yeah, not a loud monk. I'm the monk who tells all the other monks to keep it

down.

Yeah, uh, well, great, next week would be great.

Well, why don't I buy you dinner?

Okay, great, I'll call you.

You know what?

I'm not sure we should be doing this. Why not? The apartments are bigger,

they're by the beach, and they're rent -controlled.

Exactly. Shouldn't it be rented to poor people?

Ellen, they don't give rent -controlled apartments to poor people. How are they

going to pay the rent?

Come in.

But it's Rick.

You got some mail.

You opened my mail?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, I was taking the garbage out, and I saw these unopened envelopes in the

dumpster, and I wasn't sure, you know, if you threw something out by accident.

So, no, technically, I did not open your mail.

I opened your garbage.

Hey, hey, high school reunion. Are you going?

What does that egg yolk tell you?

You know, Ellen, I know a little about reunions, the taunting, the teasing, the

guys who still...

Pants you after 15 years and throw you into the girls' locker room and think

it's so funny.

I'm not going to the reunion, Rick. Smart move.

Although, if it's a question of having a man on your arm, I think I'd come

pretty darn close.

Hey, you know what? Speaking of garbage, I think that I threw away this great

invitation that Adam and I got to go visit some new condominiums. And, you

they always address it to the both of us, Mr. and Mrs. Morgan, you know. Do

think you could find that?

Could I?

If you need me, I will be in that dumpster.

All those guys.

They were all jerks. Joe Roosevelt, you had such a crush on him, it was

embarrassing.

I did not.

You did, too. You couldn't even say his name without stuttering. It was always,

Joe Roosevelt.

That's not true.

Yes, it is true. You followed him home every day.

Not all the way.

I'll go with you.

You didn't go to our high school. Oh, so what? It's a party.

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want you to go.

Why not?

You're a flirt. You always... do this, you're going to stand right next to me

and outshine me.

I want Alan to go.

Thank you.

You want a husband for this thing? Is that it?

Look, even if I did, I'm not sure that you'd be the particular model I would

choose to go with.

The offer's out there.

Thank you. If I ever get the overwhelming need to start making stuff

myself. It has its plus side. Hey, if she's uncomfortable, she's

Okay, look, you know why I want to go? Why? You know why? Why?

I tell you why. Because I am comfortable with myself. I am so comfortable that

I'm afraid I'm going to make everybody else uncomfortable.

There, I've said it.

Ellen, I am not saying you're not comfortable, but be realistic.

The next reunion is not for another five years.

What are the odds your life's going to get better?

It's like they're frozen in time.

School kids.

The chess nerds.

I only played a couple of games.

Now, you sure you don't want me to be your husband?

Look, boy, free beer.

Now, Anita, remember, you told me you weren't going to hang around me. Now go.

Happy hunting.

Fred Lawrence.

Hi.

Holly and Anita.

Now I'm running the bank. It's just pressure, pressure, pressure.

Hi, dearie.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I just want to chuck it all.

But then I remember what an obscene amount of money they pay me and I just

in the old Beamer.

Excuse me.

Still playing chess?

No, that was just a phase.

Pretty impressive class, huh?

Bank vice president, a law firm partner, and I've got my own engineering

company.

High -powered. High -powered stuff.

It's hot, and I decided we'd have a talk for each of his advanced degrees.

Great.

Fertile stuff, too.

And how about you?

Me? Yeah.

Well, you know, getting by. Doing good.

Main thing is I'm happy.

Happy, happy, happy.

Happy counts. You know, counts for a lot. A lot of people don't give it

credit, but not too happy, but, you know, just happy enough.

Good. That's great.

What sort of work do you do?

Well, I'm a cardiologist.

What? That's great.

Fantastic. Oh, you call that just getting by.

Life and death.

Yeah, life and death, but hey, more life.

Adam, Adam, honey, come here.

I would like you all to meet my husband, Adam. Hello.

You must be very proud of your wife, Adam, a cardiologist.

A cardiologist.

Yeah, well, the important thing is she's happy.

Kids. Lots of kids. Four kids.

One for each major artery.

It must have taken some getting used to, Adam, living in the shadow of a little

woman. Oh, she is something.

An amazing woman.

Still, I guess I pretty much held my own. What is it you do, Adam?

I'm a, uh, brain surgeon.

Well, we met over a guy who got his head cut to thresher.

Like a brain surgeon. That's amazing.

Well, uh, it's okay.

It's really just glorified welding.

Isn't it intense?

Being in someone's brain for hours at a time.

Ah, it's like changing spark plugs. The first couple of times you pay attention.

and I wonder if the cafeteria is going to try and pull him off Sloppy Joe's for

lunch again today.

So how are those bikini sticks?

Good, good, good. Heard only good things about them.

Ellen Morgan, right?

Right. Very good. And you are?

Joe Roosevelt.

You remember.

Yeah. Yeah, of course I remember. I mean, I'd recognize you better from a

distance. And from behind, but yeah.

We used to take the same way home from school every day.

Actually, once I'd get to your house, I'd...

Turn around and walk the eight miles back to my house.

Yeah, you were always so funny. Yeah, well, I always was funny.

Yeah, I'm not always funny. I don't have to be funny. I mean, I have a serious

side.

This one right here.

Ellen?

Yes?

You've got a little dressing on your lips.

I'm not sure you're supposed to be eating those things whole.

Let me get you a little bowl for the tail.

Anyway, and then I went through, you know, sort of a bad divorce and then a

couple of rough patches, but that's life, huh?

I bet you're some big executive now, huh? Well, actually, you know, I was for

soft drink company, but all that corporate climbing and backstabbing, it

didn't really appeal to me. So one day I just up and quit the whole thing.

Really? Yeah, yeah.

I run a little bicycle shop now. It's a really simple life, but it really seems

to suit me.

You know, it's funny.

I wasn't looking forward to coming to this thing at all, but now I'm so glad I

did.

Yeah, me too.

Meaning I'm glad I came, and I'm glad you came. It's good we're both here.

You know, I look back in those 15 years, and I wish I'd had the guts to give you

a call.

5 -5 -5 -6 -9 -8 -2.

Yeah? Yeah.

Great. Hello.

Adam. How's my pretty little cardiologist doing?

Just fine. Cardiologist, wow.

Yeah, well, I am the brain surgeon. It's always kind of bugged her.

It has not.

So you're married, but... Well, I mean, I don't understand. All the other women

have hyphenated names on their name tags, and yours still says Morgan.

Well, amazingly, my name is Morgan, too.

For a while, she went as Ellen Morgan Morgan, but then she finally just

to go with my name.

Adam? Shouldn't we be going, honey? Going?

Yeah, you've got that quintuple bypass in the morning, and then you've got to

drop the kids off at soccer practice. Wow, kids.

Yeah, four of them.

Eventually, we'd like enough for a whole surgical team.

May I have your attention, please? The king and queen of the Edgemont High

of 79 reunion are... Brad Lawrence and Anita...

God's sakes, I'm a married woman.

A doctor, no less.

I don't know. Should I do this? Should I call him? Should I go through with

this? Ellen.

The anticipation. The guilt. The furtive dinners. Ellen. The sordid little motel

room. The occasional rattle of the ice machine that lets you know all the other

adulterers are up and about. Ellen. What?

You're single.

He's single. You're not married, either of you.

Yeah, so?

So? This is not an affair.

You have no one to cheat on.

Yeah, but he doesn't know that. Well, have you thought about telling him the

truth? Right.

Yeah.

I mean, at some point, I will tell him, you know. But right now, if he thinks I

made up some sort of existence for myself, he wouldn't want to have

do with me. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with that kind of a

You are that kind of person. I am not.

Did you stomach ache?

Oh, no.

Where are you going?

Tonight's the night.

For what?

I got a date with Bob, the rent control guy.

Wow.

everybody knows about Bob.

But you're never going to get an apartment he only rents to rich people.

That's why I'm dressed like this.

Tell me, don't I look like the most wealthy, honest, and upstanding citizen

you've ever seen?

You do.

Good. Because I had to steal all these clothes from my boss's closet.

Well,

I just wanted to let you know I'm still looking for that condominium letter.

Well, Bob, you certainly picked a fine restaurant.

One of the best in the city.

How's your fish?

Oh, it's fantastic.

Just delicious.

You sure you don't want anything to eat? No, no, no, no. I would, but I'm on

this very special bread and water diet.

It's actually a very expensive diet. I'm importing breads and waters from around

the globe.

Only a wealthy man like me could really afford such a Spartan diet.

Domestic.

On your application, you listed your income as six figures.

What kind of work do you do exactly?

What kind of work?

Right.

I'm going to be honest with you, Bob.

I'm a brain surgeon.

You're surgeons, huh?

Yeah, well... Have things not been going well for some time now?

Oh, they're going fine.

They are?

Oh, you mean with my husband.

Well, yeah, um...

You know, the life of a surgeon takes its toll on any marriage, and then,

you throw in an extra surgeon, and then you've got two surgeons.

At this point, you can't even really call it a marriage.

We're roommates.

That's all we are.

So, Adam, would you be living with a roommate?

Would you want me to be living with a roommate?

Well, uh... Ideally, for stability's sake, we like our renters to be married.

Oh, then, Bob, you have got your man because I am completely and totally

married.

But on your application, you said you were single.

I'm going to be honest with you, Bob.

I figured there was a slight chance you might be gay, so I want you to seem

available.

What's that like, having four kids?

Well, you know kids.

They're little bundles of joy.

But they're a handful.

The lights of my life.

They say the darndest things.

What are their names?

Their names?

Are, um... Greg.

And Cindy Bobby.

That's five.

Greg, Marsha, Jan, Cindy.

Cindy Bobby is one. Cindy Bobby.

Joe, this is so stupid.

I have to tell you the truth.

Well, the truth is, Bob, I'm married to a lovely woman.

She's a cardiologist.

I'd just be lost without her.

And if you weren't gay, I'd say feel free to sleep with her.

Actually, I'm bi.

But don't worry, Adam. I don't need to sleep with her.

But before I secure you an apartment, I would like to meet her.

Absolutely. In fact, let's do it right now.

Well, we don't need to do it tonight.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't be silly. She would love to meet you.

You know, if she hadn't gone into cardiology, she was going to do what you

You know, Adam, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to

me up. Oh, look, Bob.

I am just being myself.

If that gets me on your good side, well, so be it.

So you're not married?

I made the whole thing up. I'm not married. I'm not a cardiologist. I don't

any Brady's.

I was afraid if I told you the truth, it would look like I lied from the

beginning. Well, you did lie from the beginning.

Well, sure, that's one way to look at it.

You know, I understand if you don't want to... What, see you anymore?

Yeah.

That's a good one.

Do you like more light or less?

How's this?

Or this?

Or this?

this because then we can see each other but but not too well not not that i

don't find you attractive or that i have anything to hide you you could bring a

spotlight in here for all i care that's fine

how's the sofa is it too soft or

lumpy or does this pattern bother you because we could sit somewhere else not

that there's really anywhere else to sit except for the bed we could get in the

bed but not that i'm trying to seduce you because if you find me repulsive you

know Are you thirsty? Would you like a black Russian or a banana daiquiri?

Ellen, just relax.

Everything's perfect. Just relax.

Okay, I'm relaxed.

Much better. Very relaxed.

If I wasn't relaxed, could I do this?

So this is the latest one, eh?

Get out. Get out now.

Adam. Adulterer.

Fornicator. Adam, please.

You think just because I'm a brain surgeon I never come home? I can't

you were going to lie to me for the sake of some cheap affair.

Joe. Don't you feel sordid? Don't you feel guilty leading me on just because

you're some horny hotshot with a scalpel?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on one second. Look, I don't know what's

going on here, but Adam is trying to convince you that he's wealthy and

when in fact he's broke and barely employed.

And, Joe, I swear to you, Adam and I are not married. We're roommates. That is

as far as it goes.

Really? I promise.

Ellen!

I found it!

Good. Whatever it is, Rick, can I wait till later? Well, not really, because

here the offer runs out tomorrow. You see, it says right here, Dear Mr.

and Mrs. Morgan. Mr. and Mrs.

Morgan, you never give up, do you? No, you see... I see, I see, all right. I

you would have made a great soft drink executive.

Adam, maybe this wasn't meant to be after all. No, no, no, no, Bob, Bob. My

and I can work this out. It's just as bad.

Now, let's not make a scene, honey.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. I don't think I can go on this way.

Oh, I don't know.

One little affair.

I forgive you.

There.

I'm sorry, dear. We can work it out.

No, I want a divorce. A divorce?

Well, that feels it, then.

How could you do this? How could you just throw away all our years together?

I'm a fornicator.

The fish was lovely. Wait, no, no, Bob!

Bob! Give me another chance!

Bob! Bob, come back!

Bob!

I love you!

Was that Bob, the rent control guy?