Original subtitles

What do you think? Should I smile or not smile?

Let me see you smile.

You've seen my smile before.

I need to see it again.

Don't smile.

Geez. No, it's just that everybody's driver's license picture is horrible,

if you're going to look horrible anyway, you don't want to be standing there

smiling like an idiot.

Good point. I'll go with a serious look.

Let me see the serious look.

Can I see the smile again?

Thanks for coming with me.

Hi. Excuse me.

I've been standing here for two and a half hours, and it's driving me crazy.

Don't I know you?

Me? No.

I don't.

No. Interstate Bank lost and found.

Oh, my God. That's right. The sweater.

Oh, and you found it. That's terrific.

Did your checkbook ever turn up? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Patrol found it on a guy they shot.

On a person?

Oh, no, no. He was still alive.

Oh, good.

Yeah, he died later. Oh, dear.

Oh, no, no, no. It was good and he only used two checks.

Hi. Hi. I'm Holly, by the way. I'm Roger. Hi, Roger.

Hi. I'm Ellen. Hi.

Next.

Put your feet on the X.

The front of the feet? Put your feet on the X.

That's okay.

What?

Thanks, really, but I don't want to smile.

Look, it's just that you know that it's going to be a horrible picture. I mean,

you don't. I don't know your work. I'm sure you're good, but... Oh, come on.

I bet you got a pretty smile.

No, I appreciate it, but... Really?

You think?

I mean, no. I've given it a lot of thought, and I'm comfortable with my

decision.

I just think it's a shame when a pretty girl like you doesn't want to smile.

Oh, for God's sakes, would you just take the picture?

Sure.

Next.

I am trying to find out what would happen if, hypothetically, I lost my

license.

Yes, yes, I'll hold.

No, when I said person, place, or thing, you said... person.

Underdog is not a person.

How can you say that Underdog is not a person? Because he's a flying dog.

He's a talking flying dog.

That makes him a person. No, it makes him a cartoon.

So, so what? He's a thing?

You're saying Underdog is a thing?

what would happen if one day I should happen to lose my driver's license? Yes,

I'll hold.

I thought you just got your new driver's license.

Wow.

Thank you.

You know, it's not that bad, really.

Is this right side up?

Let me see.

Yeah, I see.

And how much would that cost?

I made that face on purpose.

How much to replace it?

Forty -five.

Plus, I'd have to take another day off from the bookstore, spend another three

hours at the DMV.

You know what? I'll have you know that nobody's driver's license picture looks

good. Mine's okay. I love mine.

Pulled over five times. I've never gotten a ticket.

So, isn't there anything else you'd like to report about the DMV?

Oh, my God, yes. Holly met a guy. I know. His name is Roger Koenig.

You talked to Holly?

No, I talked to Steve Pike, the guy I work with. The guy with the chin? With

ear. Oh.

And he shared the house with Roger, and he told me everything about him, and I

mean everything.

Like what?

Well, he's an attorney. He's very successful. He plays the guitar.

He's a good athlete. Steve says he's a big skier.

And on the flip side, I am sorry to report that he irons his jeans.

He what?

Yeah.

Oh, and he's not a pervert or anything, but apparently he does have a tendency

to bark.

Excuse me?

He barks?

Yeah, he barks.

I don't get it.

You know, like during intercourse. Oh, I cannot believe you're telling us this.

What? What?

Ow!

What kind of bark?

You know, like a dog?

Barks like a dog? No, no, you know, like, boo, boo, boo.

He barks like Arsenio Hall during intercourse.

Oh, no, you know what? No, it's good that I know this, because now if she

marries him and spends... the rest of her life with him. I'm going to have to

think about this every time they come over for a barbecue. And one day, he's

just going to innocently ask me to pass the ketchup, and I'm going to say, I

know, I know, I know about the barking.

Hey, guys. Hey, Holly. Hi.

We were just talking about you.

Yeah, Ellen told us about the date.

A date.

Holly, it's your first date in 11 months. I think we can refer to it as

date.

Okay, you guys, so you have to tell me the truth.

Does this say desperate?

I don't want to say desperate.

Lonely's okay.

Needy. I can live with. But not desperate.

It's perfect. You look great. Yeah, you look beautiful.

Woo, woo, woo!

Another exciting night at the buying bag.

Look at this.

Woman's mother spontaneously combusts.

That is so ridiculous.

Gotta light them.

I'm sorry, ma 'am. I think you've given me your husband's license.

Yeah, Ellen Morgan.

And I've lost my driver's license. Said it was stolen.

Tragically. And I need to make an appointment to read. Yes, I'll hold.

What do you build me up?

Cup, baby, just to let me down.

Round and then worst of all.

Worst of all. Never call, baby, but you say you will. Say you will. But I'll

love you still. I need you.

Fill me up, fill me up, buttercup, don't break my heart.

I need you.

Yes.

10 -15 Tuesday. Thank you.

Okay, you guys, Polly's parking the car, so let me just get straight to the

dirt. Oh, no, this is really awful.

Oh, you don't know that half of it. And I don't want to know. I just get this

wretched, slimy feeling hearing about my friend's life behind her back like

this. Now, see, I don't.

Really? Yeah.

Wow.

Geez.

Unbelievable.

Goodbye, Mr.

Spalding. All right, okay, what is it? What, you said you didn't want to know.

Well, if you're going to tell him. Oh, no, I think you should beg me. I think

you should say, I have no moral or ethical standards. I just really want to

the dirt.

Forget it.

I have no moral or ethical standards. I just want to know the dirt.

They had a good time, they had good conversation, good food. But she spent

minutes with a huge chunk of broccoli stuck to her face.

Oh, thank you for that.

Point it out or self -discovered?

He had to point it out. How could she not notice?

Did he do the face thing? He said he did the face thing.

How do you not notice the face thing?

Okay, okay.

what I was afraid of. Now, she's going to come in here and we're all going to

uncomfortable and she's not going to tell us what happened, so we're going to

have to act like we don't know what happened. And if we really didn't know

happened, then we might innocently ask the kinds of questions that would lead

her to admit to what happened. But since we know what happened, we're going to

be conscious to avoid those questions and she won't be able to tell us and the

entire supportive friends dynamic is completely thrown out of whack.

You're overthinking this.

I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.

Look, Ellen, she's going to be up here any second. Let's just keep our mouths

shut. Be supportive.

All right, but act normal.

Like you don't know anything. Just be yourself.

Hey. Hey, Holly.

So, how was the date? Holly, you were under no obligation to tell us anything

about it. It's none of our business, so if you don't want to talk about it, you

don't have to.

So?

It was fun.

Fun?

Yeah, fun.

He was very sweet.

We had a lot to talk about.

Good meal.

That's great.

So were you comfortable? Was she comfortable? She just said that she had

Fun is comfortable.

Comfortable, fun, fun, comfortable. They're interchangeable.

Yeah, I was comfortable. She was comfortable.

What'd you have to eat? Who cares what she had to eat?

She just said the meal was good. I don't think we need to know what every bite

tasted like to you.

I would just like to know what she had to eat.

Fish. Fish.

So did you have the tuna or the swordfish? What is wrong with you

How was it? Were you comfortable?

What did you have to eat? Questions, questions, questions. She's been through

major intergender ordeal here. She needs her support, not an inquisition, or do

you have no sense of decency?

I had the tuna. She had the tuna.

You get a vegetable with that?

I just happen to be wearing this today.

It's funny because it looks silly to wear something like this just to get

driver's license picture taken, but it's what I was wearing today anyway. Ha!

You know what I find the most important thing to remember is?

Don't let them catch you off guard. Whatever look you decide to go with,

it's the smile or the serious look, like that.

Taint it the whole time you're up there, otherwise they catch you with some

goopy look on your face, and that's when they take the picture.

That happened to me once.

Last Wednesday, actually.

So you're gonna smile?

Why wouldn't I smile?

Next!

Put your feet on the egg.

Now smile.

What the hell, pretty girl like me, huh?

Okay, I'm ready.

Hello.

Uh -huh.

Well, if he doesn't want to use the potty, put him in a diaper.

Excuse me.

Well, if he doesn't want to wear a diaper, put him out in the yard with

Tell me if it's going to be a while. I could wait right over there.

Next.

What do you think?

Oh, the license, right. Okay.

Now, this was the first one.

And this was the second one.

I'm into this for 70 bucks. I may as well go till I get it right.

Okay, listen to this.

After work tonight, a bunch of us, including that guy, Steve Pike, went out

beers. Hey, before you say anything more, if you have any more dirt on Holly

Roger, I don't want to hear it.

He's going to sleep with her, and then he's going to dump her.

What? He's going to dump her? Are you sure?

Yeah. He says he doesn't see it going anywhere. He says he doesn't feel she

enough of a sense of her goals and direction in life.

Goals and direction?

So when's she getting the act?

Tonight.

Tonight? He's going to sleep with her tonight and then he's going to dump her

tonight? Yeah, I guess.

Oh, my God.

Men.

Men are scum.

What are we going to do?

Okay, I need to think. Would he take her to his place or hers?

To hers. To hers. Steve's having people over. Okay, let's go.

Holly, it's Ellen.

Uh, uh... Whatever you do tonight, do not sleep with Roger.

The guy is a lying, sneaking, slimy, gummy slug of a... of a...

of a slug!

He's been going around behind your back and telling Steve everything about you,

and I mean everything.

Oh, and in case you don't believe me, we know that you had a big chunk of

broccoli on your left cheek for 20 minutes during dinner at Luigi's.

Okay, call me. Bye.

You're speeding.

I know I'm speeding. I'm in a hurry. We're almost there.

Good

evening.

Registration and driver's license, please.

you right in there.

It's not like I don't have a driver's license.

I have two.

It's kind of a funny story. I was at the DMV, Department of Motor Vehicles.

Of course, you know that.

Big, strong, handsome policeman like you.

Tall, too.

Your crotch comes right up to my window.

they're just watching Arsenio.

What are we going to do? I don't know. We've got to think.

Oh, my God. She's practically naked.

Oh, I need some air.

Yeah. Yeah. Me too.

Oh, boy.

Holly, there's something that I have to tell you.

Over the past week, we've had a lot of fun together, but...

I have to be honest, I've been having some doubts.

But tonight, when I was with you, all of a sudden, it hit me.

I'm in love.

I don't know what happened, but I feel that it must be destiny.

I love you, Holly.

I want to be with you.

the message on my machine.

Hi. Hi, y 'all.

What are you guys doing here? We came to borrow something.

Yes. Borrow something?

This candlestick.

Oh,

and we needed to borrow the answering machine.

Oh, that's right, the answering machine.

Borrow my answering machine? If it's not too much trouble.

Mine's broken, and you're home, so you don't need it, and I'm out.

Wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about? Just give it to me. No, why?

I know what I'm doing. It's my machine.

I'm Anita, by the way.

Hi. You're Roger. Roger, hi. And I'm Adam. Hi, nice to meet you.

We have heard so much about you. Yeah, a lot. Really.

Good things, I hope.

Very good.

What do you know?

Whatever you do tonight, do not sleep with Roger. The guy is a lying, sneaky,

blimey, gummy slug of a... of a... of a slug.

He's been going around behind your back and telling thieves everything about

you, and I mean everything.

Oh, and in case you don't believe me, we know that you had a chunk of broccoli

on your left cheek for 20 minutes during dinner at Louis...

This certainly is awkward.

You talked to Steve? You told that leering, butt -grinching, blabbermouth,

everything? Well, not everything. Get out, Roger. What? Can I at least get

No. Okay.

I can explain.

tell you guys this, but I'm gonna dump him tonight anyways.

You were?

Yeah.

But I figured I got him here.

Might as well sleep with him first.

Did you hear that?

She was gonna dump him tonight anyway. She was gonna dump him.

She just wanted to sleep with him first.

it was only a matter of time before the neighbors started complaining about that

barking.