Original subtitles

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some. A man is born, he's a man of means. Then

along come two, they got nothing but their genes. But they got different

to take, different strokes to take, different strokes to move the world.

Everybody's got a special kind of story.

Everybody finds a way to shine.

It don't matter that you got not a lot. So what? I'll have theirs, you'll have

yours, and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine. Because it takes a different stroke to move the

world. Yes, it does. It takes different strokes to move the world.

I don't see any sign up through my telescope.

then everybody's gonna get here.

Well, Arnold, it's a long way from the airport.

Yeah, the cab drivers in New York all drive like they took lessons from Evel

Knievel.

Arnold, you're forgetting that the cabbies in New York take people from the

airport to Manhattan by way of Cleveland.

Hey, why don't I take a family picture of everybody?

Oh, okay, that's a nice idea. Family portrait.

Chins up, smile, and don't look right in the lens.

Boy, get the big photographer.

All that's going to be in the picture is your thumb.

Give me that camera and I'll show you how to take some good pictures.

Listen, I saved all year to buy this camera. And you touch it, the only thing

that's going to develop is a lump on your head.

I'll get even.

I'll put a pair of my shorts in your drawer so when you try to put them on,

you'll strangle yourself.

Okay, guys, pull it.

Come on, let's get the picture taken now.

Okay, now, mile.

Okay, on three.

One, two.

Arnold,

you're going to ruin the picture.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. You went like this.

No, he didn't. He went like this.

Okay, let's try again.

Okay, behave now, Arnold.

Okay, everybody say cheese on three.

One.

One, two, three.

See? What's that?

Let's see it, Willis.

It takes a minute to develop, dear.

Oh, you don't know how to take pictures.

You're supposed to take them when nobody expects them, and you surprise them.

Yeah, candid pictures, like in those gossip magazines.

You know, those Italian photographers sure know how to surprise people.

What do they call Daddy?

Oh, I think the word is paparazzi.

Then I guess the lady photographers are malaractic.

Came out perfect.

Hey! You cut my head off!

That's my best part!

Don't get upset, Arnold. One day you can take a picture of Willis and you can

cut off his best part.

You can't take a picture of Willis' best part. He's always sitting on it.

company keeps having these broadcast conferences so we can keep getting these

trips to New York.

I want to work on that. Boy, I love these freebies to the Big Apple. Yeah.

You know, Dad traded in his and Morgan's first class tickets for four teepees so

we could come too.

Teepees? We had everything the first class passengers had, except we were

strapped to the wing.

Sit down, everybody.

Oh, good.

Now, listen, about where you're staying.

Uh, hold it, Phil.

Last time we had this big argument.

And you insisted that we stay here and you wined us and dined us and you were

the perfect host.

This time, no arguments.

I want the same deal.

You got it, Larry.

Uh, thanks, pal, but actually we have a couple of rooms at a charming little

hotel with lots of little green things growing on the walls.

Not plants, just little green things.

Hey, Mr. Alder, couldn't Ruthie and Dan stay with me? Please, we have the room.

Why not?

And Morgan?

Since Mrs. Garrett's helping out at Kimberly's school, why don't you stay in

room? Oh, that'd be great, thanks.

You'll love Mrs. Garrett's room.

She's got a picture of Rudolph Valentino that glows in the dark.

Yeah, it'll be fun staying together.

Okay, you twisted my wallet. Oh, thank you.

Listen, Phil, I've got something to talk to you about that's really important

later. It's really big.

Sounds interesting. Okay. And incidentally, Larry, we're bunking

room like we did before.

Oh, this is terrific.

Tomorrow night, we'll...

Thanksgiving dinner.

Thanksgiving? But that was last week.

Yeah, when daylight saving time ends, you're supposed to set your clocks back,

not your calendar.

Well, when we found out you were coming, we figured, why settle for one

Thanksgiving? Now that you're all here, we can have a second one tomorrow.

Right. Let's have two Thanksgivings and two Christmases, quickly followed by two

birthday parties.

Do it twice, because presents are nice.

I'll cook the turkey for tomorrow night. Ruthie and Ann can help me stuff it.

I know how to stuff a turkey. Just give Willis a big meal.

Cool it, Arnold, or I'll show you how to stuff a brother.

Okay, that's enough, guys.

Willis, how about taking a picture of everybody?

Shh. Everybody over there.

Okay. Okay.

I didn't know you were a photographer, Willis.

He's not a photographer. He's a butcher.

He's got all... He still has the features in his album of people with

off.

I'll meet you back for that, honey.

Okay, let's see. Move it closer.

Okay. You closer.

Closer and smile.

Well... Boy, I'll

tell you, this is what I call togetherness.

You think this is what it's like to be one of the Waltons?

I don't know, but I have this compulsion to keep saying goodnight, John Boy.

Come on, though. Let's take the history already.

Yeah, I can't hold a smile much longer. Hey.

Okay, say cheese.

Make mine a cheese burger.

Cheese!

This is gonna be a good one.

You better not cut my head off again.

Last time, all you could see was a... Into my hair.

Well, it's not my fault that way you and everybody else begin.

Wait till you hear what Larry's presenting at the broadcast conference

It is fantastic.

It's brilliant. It's inspired.

Did I say that the way we rehearsed it? You left out sheer genius.

Oh, the picture's terrific, Willard. Yeah.

You're cutting my head off again.

Yeah. Ain't that too bad?

Would you like to freshen up? Oh, I'd love to. Hey, kids.

How about showing the girls and Morgan to their rooms, okay?

All right.

Larry,

I'll have my chauffeur pick up your luggage at the hotel.

His chauffeur? Does he know how to live?

Oh, what's the big deal? I had a chauffeur once in Portland, but I

used to his cold handlebars.

All right.

Okay, sheer genius.

What's this idea of yours all about?

Well, it's not just my idea, Phil. It's our idea.

Don't you remember the Korean War?

What we said when we were sitting there while those bombs were exploding all

around us?

Sure. We said, let's get the hell out of here.

Phil, I'm talking about that dream we both had about television, the tube, and

the potential that it has to reach millions of people and make their lives

better. Of course, I remember.

Okay, Phil, there's a television station for sale in Portland.

Now, your company has the money to buy it, and I've got the experience and the

talent to run it.

This would be a good investment for you, and it could mean financial security

for me and my family.

Look, I've got a breakdown on the whole deal right here, facts and figures.

Wow, this took a lot of research.

Must have cost you a pretty penny.

Who knows what it cost?

$612 .19.

Well, tell me, what is the total cost of this project?

Ah, that's that little insignificant number there with all the zeros after

It looks like the National's debt.

I'll tell you what, why don't you and Morgan present this to my communications

group at the conference tomorrow and just hope that they see it the way you

But they're your underlings.

Where's the overling going to be?

He'll be talking to some bankers he knows.

We're talking about millions of dollars here, you know. Phil, it's no problem.

I've got the financing all figured out.

How?

Sell your cufflinks.

Dad took these pictures of Diane and me when we went skiing last week.

Gee, skiing looks like fun.

Oh, it is.

There's nothing like speeding down a mountain on a clear, crisp day with the

wind in your face.

How do you stop?

She uses a tree.

Ain't that dangerous? You could wind up with a fraction that old.

I'm only kidding, Arnold.

When Diane wants to stop, she usually does what I do.

She falls on her fanny.

Oh, but you're lucky, Ruthie. You've got more to fall on than I have.

Who's this pretty lady?

Oh, that's our mother.

I took her when my mom and dad almost got back together.

Dad pretended he didn't care, but I knew he was crushed.

Oh, he was.

I'm never getting married.

Sure you will, Arnold.

Not me.

I'm taking them out, loading them up with hot dogs and popcorn and dumping

is ready. Go put your ring around it.

Son of a brother. He even takes his camera to the bathroom so I can't use

Why don't you let him use it, Willis?

You want me to give my camera to Dr.

Destructo?

He's just afraid that I'm gonna show him up.

You can't take a picture of anything that isn't standing still.

take a picture of you three sure are you kidding my hair's messed i'm not even

dressed right where can i stand right over there okay hey

isn't that what arnold the expert said makes the best pictures

where do you get a load of this next picture what are you gonna do willa

stand by for screen

pictures.

I tell you what, I slip it under the door so you can tear it up.

thanksgiving if your dad can pull off that deal for my dad won't it be great

they buy that tv station we told you about what do you mean if when our dad

wants to do something it's done he's the head of the whole company yeah that's

right he is mr big he can do anything he wants

I'm too young to be a centerfold.

Oh, Phil, you're just in time for the celebration.

Too bad you couldn't be at the conference.

Oh, sorry, but I was out checking financing on your project.

Guess what?

Well, Larry presented his idea. He was a big hit. The creative guys loved it.

They called me right after you left. Well, the champagne is on Larry and me.

Phil, you're the greatest.

John!

Arnold! The Phantom Pooperazzi strikes again.

Save some film for the celebration, okay? I'm going to go get the caviar.

Hey, Dad!

It's coming out perfect.

Boy, she sure laid...

What is it?

Look, if I tell you now, you have to promise not to say anything to anybody

yet.

Okay, my lips are filled.

Unless there's food involved.

Gee, Arnold, when you're in business, you have an obligation to the company.

And when you're dealing with a friend and business, you get torn between them.

So what tore you?

I'm afraid I'm going to have to say no to Mr. Alder's project.

That's very complicated, Arnold.

I'll just have to find the right time to tell him.

I'll have to be diplomatic.

What's diplomatic?

There's another word for chicken.

You guys should have been there. When I got through with my presentation, there

was cheering and applause.

If that's what you did, how about the others?

Watch it, daughter. I made you. I can destroy you.

I'm real proud of you, Dad.

Hey,

Arnold, did you hear the good news?

Looks like Mr. Alder's deal with Daddy is all set.

Yeah. Now, what did I tell you? Didn't I tell you our dad can do anything?

Right, Arnold?

Right.

Uh, what you got there, Arnold?

Oh, just a picture of Dad and Morgan. I took it when they weren't looking.

Boy, if you'd have took it five minutes later, this thing would need French

subtitles.

Oh.

Do you think there's something between Morgan and Mr. Drummond, Dad?

Well, it could be. They're a lot closer than the Lone Ranger and Tonto.

Are you all right?

Why don't you girls go down to the kitchen and start making that stuffing

the turkey tonight?

What did you say, you male chauvinist nerd?

All I said was get going to the kitchen.

How would you like to have your second Thanksgiving dinner at the Mercy

Hospital?

What are you getting so uptight about?

That old woman's place in the kitchen bit went out with fraud.

You know, we're not going to do all the work.

You want to eat, you're going to help in the kitchen. I don't know anything

about cooking.

You learn to eat, you learn to cook.

Yeah!

Be in the kitchen in ten minutes.

Yes, sir!

Will you women leave?

This is a man's room.

Do you believe him? Two and a half feet of macho.

Just leave the two men of the world alone so they can smoke their cigars and

talk tough to their goldfish.

What's the problem, Arnold?

I can't tell you.

It's so bad that I moved to the North Pole if I can speak Polish.

Arnold, why can't you tell me? You know we always tell each other our problems.

Well, this is different.

Somebody made me promise not to tell.

Was it Kimberly?

No. Was it Mr. Alder or Morgan?

No. Was it Ruthie or Diane?

No. Was it Dad?

No comment.

Then it was that, huh?

Lucky guess.

And don't ask me what the problem is, because I don't understand anything

the deal with Mr. Alder.

You mean a television deal?

Uh -oh.

Strike that from the record and add another no comment.

Oh, don't tell me Dad's gonna turn Mr. Alder down on the deal.

Let me put it this way. You can stop guessing, because there's nothing else

for me not to tell you.

Terrible. And here we've been bragging about how Dad can make anything happen.

We're going to come off like a couple of jerks.

Yep, and I'll never be able to look Ruthie in the stomach again.

Listen, Arnold, I'm not supposed to know about this, so you've got to try to

change Dad's mind.

What are you talking about, Willis?

But you know how you can get Dad to do anything when you give him that long and

sad face of you?

Which one's that?

The one where you look like a hungry cat sniffing around a fish market.

I spoke to Kimberly.

You two be sure you help out in the kitchen, okay?

Funny you should ask.

I was just on my way down there.

But I've checked it all out, and it is just simply not a good investment.

But, Dad, we bragged about how terrific you are.

We said you were the best thing since junk food.

Well, it hurts me as much as it does you to turn down my best friend. But I'm

afraid that's just the way it's got to be.

Well, how are you going to break it to him?

Very gently.

Come on, Dad.

I hate to see you so unhappy.

I'll tell you one thing.

You've got a better sad face than anything I've got.

$100 for your thoughts.

They're not worth that much.

Neither is $100 with inflation.

You know, New York is so lovely this time of year.

Yeah. You should see it when it's not bankrupt.

Bill, I just love you for making all this possible.

Well, thanks. But I didn't discover New York.

You know what I mean. Our television project.

Thanks again.

Uh,

let me guess.

You're rehearsing the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet.

Get the hot.

Oh, Larry.

You little devil.

Before you kissed him on his couch, now you're kissing him on his terrace. What

is left to tell?

Larry, it's not at all what it seemed to be.

Hey, you don't have to explain anything to me, pal. I just saw the picture that

Arnold took of you two giving each other lip service.

We weren't exactly kissing.

Of course not.

You're Siamese twins joined in a funny play.

Larry, that's enough.

Hey, come on. You have my blessings, my children.

He's impossible.

What are you two so uptight about?

We're not uptight.

Morgan, there is nothing wrong with kissing your future boss. I mean, you

have to go behind my back.

Larry, behind your back? I don't have to kiss anybody behind your back. I can

kiss him in front of your back.

Besides, I wasn't kissing him. It was just a peck. Can't you tell the

difference? No, Masters and Johnson.

Tell me the difference and I'll take notes.

I'll do better than tell you. I'll show you.

Phil, can I borrow your lips?

Be my guest. All right, Larry, this is a peck.

Uh -huh.

This is a kiss.

Oh, yes.

Well, in case you missed it, I'll do it again.

And again.

Thank you, Phil. I just had to make a point.

Any time.

Morgan, Larry, if we can just get past this kissing, which I didn't mind.

On a scale of one to ten, you're an eleven.

But I have something very important to tell both of you.

This is very hard for me, and I wish I didn't have to say this.

Believe me, I have no other choice.

Phil, you sound like my dentist before you told me I needed root canal work.

What is it, Phil? And why do I have the feeling I'm not going to like the

answer?

Well, I have to pass on your TV project, Larry.

Pass on it?

Hey, no way.

I mean, I can't take the champagne back. I got it on sale.

You're putting us on, right?

You're not putting us on.

No, I don't think he is.

I wish I were putting you on.

Phil, I don't understand. At the conference, they all liked the project.

What the hell happened?

Creatively, I loved it, too.

But I just had to overrule him, Larry.

What do you mean, you had to?

It just was not a good deal for our company at this time.

Now, believe me, I looked at every other possible angle.

Especially the old stab in the back angle. Larry, that's not fair.

Would you please keep out of this?

Look, Larry, please try to see my side of it. I have to answer to my

stockholders. With interest rates where they are, with the economy all screwed

up, it just doesn't make good business sense to go ahead with the project right

now. Oh, poor little Filsy.

He's down to his last 20 million bucks.

Larry, can't you see how hard it must be for him to turn down his best friend?

Best friend?

He not only turns down my TV deal, he kisses my producer right under my nose,

behind my back.

Hey, you get off that behind -my -back routine.

And think, once during the war, I let you save my life.

Never again.

Well, I'm sure that Phil did his best for us.

Yeah, he's best to put my future right in the toilet.

Come on, Larry, you're being irrational.

Oh, so now I'm crazy?

No, he didn't call you crazy. He called you irrational.

Change my irrational to certifiable.

Phil, I'm sorry I ever met you. I'm sorry I ever bunked with you in the

And that goes for you, too, Morgan.

Okay, I'll be back when you calm down.

Look, Larry, I feel just awful about this. Hey, just forget it, Phil. Forget

I'm not going to have Thanksgiving dinner with you.

I'm going to take my kids and we're leaving.

Oh, come on. You don't mean that.

Try looking for me.

Well, that figures.

Nice going, Scrooge.

You not only kick me and the kids out of your house, you arrange it so that we

have to leave in the snow.

What I just heard. A lot of business double talk.

No. Hey, Phil, don't you walk away from me. This is my house. I will walk where

I please.

Well, excuse me for trying to point out to you that you've got a conscience.

And at the same time, try to make you a fortune and get a little security for my

kids. Larry, my conscience is perfectly clear. This is no time to buy a

television station. Now, excuse me, please.

What happened to Korea?

What happened to our dreams?

At today's interest rate, I can't afford to drink.

I am tired of arguing.

Oh, sure. Walk away. Don't face anybody. Don't talk about it. That's what...

What are you kids doing up there?

Watching a fight.

Dad, you guys shouldn't be fighting.

Yeah, you were in the war together.

Not even sure he was on our side.

Kids, go pack. We're leaving.

Where are we going?

Nobody is going anywhere. I suggest we calm down and discuss this later.

Listen, there is nothing to discuss later. We are leaving.

But then I don't want to leave. We just got here.

Yeah, and I don't want to leave because I live here.

Yeah, and I don't want to leave because I eat here.

There's got to be some kind of a hotel room in the whole city of New York.

Look, I know it's the Thanksgiving holiday.

Hey, pal, my ancestors came over on the Mayflower.

And they got a hotel room.

Look, there's got to be a room.

Tell them you're a friend of Phil Drummond. You'll get a room.

I can get a room on my own.

I'm a friend of Phil Drummond.

It didn't do any good, Big Shot.

Look, would you let me talk to the manager?

Yeah, all right, I'll wait.

Mr. Drummond's sure angry in there.

Yeah, Dad.

He's drinking his instant coffee and forgot to add the water.

I guess you're not going to get the television station, huh, Dad?

We can't even get a hotel room.

Hello?

Yeah, hello.

There's got to be another hotel.

Here, Ruthie, hold this.

Hello? Yes, I'm the secretary to Sheikh Abdullah.

And he's looking for a room for himself and his two very, very young wives.

Hello?

I've got an empty safe you can sleep in.

Go get the bank book.

I'm going to find a room if it kills me.

Kids, would you get me some coffee, please?

Dad, you and Mr. Drummond will patch things up.

Just get me the coffee.

Ruthie, here's a dollar. Leave it on the table.

I'm not taking anything from that man.

You want some cookies, too?

No, he's making enough on the coffee.

You guys still mad at our dad?

Yeah. You guys still mad at our dad?

Yeah. Are you guys still going to leave?

So far, we're lucky. He can't find a hotel room.

Do you know they don't even have one for a chic?

Well, maybe if Dad realizes how hard we worked on the turkey, he won't have the

heart to disappoint us. Good idea. Start stuffing him.

Where? Here.

Boy, when you're a turkey, all dignity goes out the window.

Our dad's makeup.

Well, the pilgrim's made up with the Indians.

Maybe there's hope for them.

You know, there wouldn't even be a Thanksgiving if our dad had been to

Rock. Yeah, they would have thrown it at each other.

This is Sheikh Abdullah, personal friend of Philip Drummond.

Are you sure you do not have a room?

Look, pal, if I'm willing to come through to New Jersey to get a room, the

you can do is come up with one.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I hope a thousand camels fertilize your lobby.

Larry, I just spoke to Phil.

Now, I'm as disappointed as you are about the deal falling through, but

you think you're overreacting a bit?

No.

Killing is overreacting.

What I am doing is perfectly normal.

Come on, smile, Larry. Hey, get that scowl off your face.

Hey, why should I?

So far, I've been turned down by Drummond and 135 hotels.

Look, Morgan, you know how much this all meant to me. And my best friend killed

it. All right, just calm down, Larry, okay? We'll talk about it. Now, can I

you a cup of coffee?

Uh, no, I already paid a dollar for one.

Where is it?

Well, is Mad Dog Alder still here?

Oh, Phil, don't be like that. He's a very disappointed man.

Disappointed? He chased me up and down those stairs like a mountain goat.

The man is crazy.

You know, you of all people should understand how he feels, Phil. You're

best friend he ever had. Don't you know that?

Morgan, do you think it makes me happy to turn him down? Well, no, of course

not. You're too fine a man.

I'm glad to be talking to a logical person.

We sit down and discuss this for a minute. Sure.

Listen, I would never try to talk you into a bad venture.

But the truth is, Portland could use another television station, and this one

practically up for grabs.

That's all Larry was trying to say.

Morgan, I explained to him that with the economy the way it is...

It's just not the time to make a major investment.

Now, I told him that three times. I know, but I am surprised at that kind of

conservatism from a man like you.

During the war, didn't they call you Daring Drummond?

Phil is Phil.

But that's close enough.

Listen, the two of you have been friends for such a long time.

This would mean so much to Larry, Phil, and to me, too.

Well, I can't promise you anything, but...

I'll look over the numbers one more time. Oh, thank you.

You are an angel.

Where are you going?

Oh, I can't wait to tell Larry.

Larry?

Oh, he put you up to this.

Put me up to what? Oh, don't act Miss Innocent with me, Morgan Winslow.

Larry Alder, you are the lowest.

I paid for this.

I have been buttered up and stroked by experts, but you two take the cake.

Stroke you?

I wouldn't stroke you if you were a chinchilla coat.

Why didn't you just send in 50 dancing girls?

What the hell are you talking about?

Larry, the man thinks you sent me to kiss him and play up to him.

You played up to him? She buttered me up like an English muffin.

Wait a minute. Who asked you to play up to him? I can handle him myself.

You want to kiss him, he's all yours.

I don't even like his coffee.

Morgan, listen, will you do me a favor? Will you just stay out of my life?

I'll do that right now, pal.

And mine, too.

Very good, gentlemen.

I'm going out into the snow now, and the cold, and I may get pneumonia and 105

fever and have to spend weeks on end in the hospital hovering between life and

death. But compared to knowing you two, it would be a pleasure.

You know, you really handle that badly, Larry.

Hey, let's get something straight, Phil.

I wouldn't bother bringing in a girl to play up to you. I couldn't find an

actress that good.

You know your problem, Larry?

You're a jackass.

Phil, why don't you take your little Thanksgiving turkey and stuff it?

Okay. You lay down on the platter. I'll go and get the chestnuts.

Kids, I'm going out to cool off for a little while.

I'll be back for dinner.

Keep your eye on the silverware.

Where are you going, Dad?

I'm not going to eat Thanksgiving dinner with him.

You kids enjoy yourselves.

I'll be back later.

dad sure got a bad temper you don't blame it on him do you you know your dad

called my dad a jackass well you should have heard what your dad said to my dad

don't you point your finger at my sister kimberly you can point her finger at

whoever she likes now you hold it buster don't you go pointing at anybody

something. You're living in our...

is my mean face.

Well, that other face sure wasn't your happy face.

Of course not. That's not what I'm feeling.

Well, what are you feeling? I'm

about what I said just now. I really am. I was just awful.

Okay.

Ruthie. Yeah?

Something terrible has just happened to me.

What?

With all this fighting going on, my mouth has lost its drool.

Really?

What does that look like to you?

Oh, a delicious cooked turkey.

What does it look like to you?

A dead bird.

You think I should see a doctor?

I know you. you, Lionel. I hate it when people fight, too.

I came to base the turkey.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Since I figured out what basing means.

Diane, you're the oldest one here.

Why do people yell at each other like we did just now?

I don't know, Ruthie.

Maybe we caught it from our folks.

But why do they yell at each other? I mean, why can't they just talk?

I mean, this is where we say rotten things, and then we have to take them

and say we're sorry.

Like I'm doing now.

I'm sorry too, Ruthie.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

You know, I shouldn't have offered you the flesh money. It was very rude.

Well, we were all rude.

Yeah. It's all over now.

Yeah.

Well, Turkey, the kid's made up.

All I have to do is wait for Dad and Morgan and Mr. Oliver to make up.

There ain't gonna be much of a dinner without him.

I'd tell you to get up and walk out.

Charlie, I'll have another brandy. Hand me that, Mr. Drummond.

What are you doing out in this blizzard?

I had a knock -down, drag -out battle with an old buddy of mine.

But I'll spare you the gory details.

Whatever you say.

I've known the guy for 30 years.

We were in a war together. I saved his life.

I invite him to my house.

Well, then when he wants my company to invest money foolishly and I turn him

down, he gets mad.

Put a coffee cup down on my best table.

The guy won't use coasters.

Sometime we'll get together and I'll tell you the story.

I can't wait to hear it.

And to think that I was best man at the bum's wedding.

He's still using my blender.

Well, some people don't appreciate anything.

But weather.

Oh, man.

It's miserable out there. Now it's miserable in here.

Scotch and water, please.

Yes, sir.

I haven't seen you around here before.

Well, I'm only here because it's three snow drifts, two garbage cans, and a

frozen wino from the Drummond estate.

Two bucks.

Keep the change.

Sure, it's your first tip of the night.

The drink is $2 .50.

Here's another buck.

Some people are sports.

I had a buddy once.

A millionaire.

Millionaire, ten times over.

Gave me a lousy blender for my wedding.

If you didn't like it, you could have taken it back.

They don't take returns at garage sales.

You're wasting your time. I'm not making up.

I'm only here for the pretzels.

That figures. They're free.

If you want them, you can have them. No, I don't want to deprive you of your

pretzels.

Keep them.

No, thanks, but give me hives.

Got a lot of friends, pal?

Yeah, I guess so.

Me too.

But I lost one today.

Anybody I know.

I don't think you'd recognize him, Phil. He changed a lot.

He was the kind of man that would take the shirt right off his back and hand it

to you.

Funny thing.

The guy I'm thinking of would take the shirt off his back, too.

Why don't you two exchange shirts and go home?

Can I use your phone? Yeah, it's in the corner.

Oh, look who's here.

Laurel and Heartless.

Morgan, uh... Morgan, I'm sorry that I yelled at you.

Can I buy you a drink?

Sit with me, Morgan.

You'll find the conversation much more intelligent.

No, actually, I am just looking for a phone to get a flight back to Portland.

And, uh, would you be so kind as to bring my suitcase with you when you

Larry? Come on, Morgan, this is silly. Now just sit down. Don't manhandle the

lady. She can sit where she pleases.

Next to me.

He won't buy a television station. What makes you think you'll spring for a

drink? Oh, I can't believe this.

Never mind how you treated me. I should have expected that behavior from two

dummies. What about Ruthie and Diane, Larry? They were so excited about this

trip. And Arnold and Willis and Kimberly, they couldn't wait till we got

And now you've got five children sitting at home waiting for their fathers to

come back.

She's right, Larry.

You're terribly inconsiderate.

You're not exactly father of the year yourself.

I mean, you're spoiling Thanksgiving for three kids.

I only have two.

That's the spirit, Larry.

Thank you.

Okay. Okay, I don't know about him, but I'm big enough to declare a truce for

the kids' sake. Not a long one, just till after dinner.

Right.

I'll try to force some food down, just in the spirit of the season.

Morgan, maybe you better come too.

I mean, it would be nice if I had one adult to talk to.

Yeah, Morgan, please join me and my childish friend. Somebody has to be

cut up his food.

All right, I'll go for the sake of the kids.

And because you two probably need a referee.

Here, keep the change, Charlie.

20 bucks.

Big deal.

Huh, doesn't impress me.

It impresses me.

Look what you flew in.

Oh, you're a great cook, Kimberly.

Hey, man.

That's your piece of turkey we used to get in Harlem. Yeah.

Piece of meatloaf with a feather in it.

Attention, please.

I would like to welcome you all.

To our home and to our table.

Even you.

Can you make it short? This is not one of your stockholder meetings.

Would you two please behave yourselves or it's back to the bar and pretzels.

Okay.

Arnold, I'll bet you could eat that whole turkey all by yourself.

Not tonight.

What's the matter, Arnold? Aren't you feeling well?

Yeah, I'm okay.

No, he's not.

He's got no appetite and neither have I.

Me neither.

I couldn't get a jump stick past my lips.

Dad, I feel like I'm going to cry.

Well, honey, don't look at me. Blame him.

I'm sorry, Dad, but we're going to have to blame it on both of you. You know, we

postponed our Thanksgiving dinner a whole week.

Now there's nothing even to be thankful for because two old friends can't even

give an inch.

That's the problem.

I'm with Arnold, gentlemen.

Larry.

I'm sorry that the television deal didn't work out.

But the economy's going to pick up.

And maybe later on things will be different, okay?

But I'll give you my word that as soon as interest rates go down and the stock

market straightens out, I'll look at the whole deal again.

I remember my friends.

Okay, Phil.

I remember my friends, too.

Hey, carve the turkey, will you? That sucker died for all this.

Can we take race?

Yeah, but make it a quick one. I think my appetite is back.

He took the words right out of my mouth, which leaves more room for the turkey.

Right. Larry, will you do the honors?

Thank you.

Dear Lord, we struck out in New York because you didn't choose to show Phil

Drummond the light.

Larry.

Just a little editorial prayer.

The Bible says a child shall lead them.

And today these children made me realize that I was imposing on a friendship.

And all I could expect from my dear friend is his love and respect.

Thank you for the bounty of this good food and for the love and friendship

brings us here in the joy of the holiday season.

Amen. Amen.

Like the Bible says, a child shall leave him.

Make way for a hungry child.

May not be right for some, but men is born.

He's a man of ease.

Then along come two. They got nothing but the genes.

But they got different strokes of things.

Different strokes of things.

Different strokes to move the world. Yes, it does take different strokes to

the world.