Original subtitles

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some.

A man is born, he's a man of means.

Then along come two, they got nothing but the genes. But they got different

strokes to take, different strokes to take, different strokes to move the

Everybody's got a special kind of story.

Everybody finds a way to shine.

It don't matter that you got not a lot. So what? Don't have theirs. You'll have

yours and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine.

Different strokes to move the world.

Hi,

everybody. Hi.

Hey, where have you been?

I was talking to the Martinos.

Martinos? Yeah, the new neighbors who moved in down the hall.

Did they have any children?

Yeah, one and a half.

One and a half?

Yeah, there's a girl my age, and Mrs.

Martino's gonna have a baby. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, she's way out to here.

I asked how the baby got in there.

You didn't. Yes, I did, but she didn't tell me, so I guess she didn't know.

That must be it.

Well, did you have a good day at school today, Willis? I was the pit.

That's nice.

What happened?

Did you get into a fight?

You flunked a test?

Did you lose your cold?

It was the worst day of my life.

I got married.

What do you mean you got married?

Come on, Willis, you can't get married.

Yeah, how are you going to fit a wife in our bunk bed?

of our social studies class. We're studying family life and marriage and

that stuff.

Well, that's a relief.

I think a person should wait at least till they're 15 to get married.

Well, yeah, I heard about those courses, Willis. Boys and girls pick a husband

and wife out of a hat, right?

I picked mine out of a coffee can.

Well, when I went to school, we learned about marriage the hard way.

What's the hard way?

Getting married.

class, we pretend to have the real problems of marriage, like where we're

to live, if the wife will work, or if we're going to have any children or not.

If I have to get married in junior high school, I ain't going.

You know, that sounds like an excellent program, and long overdue.

It's horrible, Mr. D.

And all the guys feel the same way I do.

Well, what about all the girls?

Well, you know how they are. They just giggle a lot.

Well, let's not put down the girls.

Yeah!

If it wasn't for girls, who would they get to go into the ladies' room?

Tell us, Willis, who did you marry?

Her name is Charlene Dupre.

Charlene Dupre?

Ain't she the one that's built out the spare ribs?

Now, come on, Arnold. That's no way to talk about your history in law.

Well, it ain't my fault she ain't got no meat on her bones.

Well, I think that's a very...

Of course you're taking Willis. You know, marriage is a very complicated

relationship. Oh, yes. Too many young people rush into it without thinking.

Yep. Arnold, stay out of the ninth grade, because they don't only give you

homework, they give you a wife.

Hello?

Yes, he is.

Just a moment, please.

It's for you, Willis. Okay.

It's for Mrs.

Yes, I'll take it upstairs.

You like that. He ain't been married one whole day and already she's checking up

on him.

Arnold, just because she's calling him doesn't mean she's checking up on him.

That's right, Arnold. Maybe she just wants to talk to him.

Well, if a husband and wife do all the talking during the day, what is there to

do at night?

That is a very good question, Arnold.

What's the answer?

Johnny Carson.

Hello. Oh, hi, Charlene.

Listen, are you going to start nagging me already?

What did the teacher say we're supposed to discuss?

Well, the honeymoon will have to wait because I'm going roller skating.

Calm down, Charlene.

Willis, I... Just a minute. I'm on the phone.

Oh, that's all right. You won't bother me.

Yeah, I'm still here, Charlene.

Well, do we have to discuss about having children now?

Why, sure, I want to have children someday.

Well, we should wait.

Okay, I'll give you a reason why.

What if after I drive you to the hospital, I don't even have a driver's

yet?

I'll call you back, Charlene.

And stop calling me hubby.

That's telling her, hubby.

Listen, Willis.

You've been my big brother for quite a while now.

Could you tell me something in love with me?

Why, sure, Arnold. I always do.

Well, how do you make a baby?

Why do you want to know?

Well...

Mrs. Martino is going to have a baby, and she doesn't know where it came from.

So I figured if I knew, I could tell her.

Oh, Arnold, you're too young, and I'm too busy with my homework.

No, I'm not, and no, you're not.

I am now.

Listen, I know why you won't tell me. You don't know.

That's why you're taking a class on marriage so you'll find out.

Are you kidding, Arnold?

A man my age... knows it all.

And what I don't know, I can draw a picture of.

Well, how about spreading some of it around?

Arnold, you're just not ready for this.

Listen, I'm ready, Coach. I'm ready.

Come on. Tell me how you make a baby.

Well, okay, Arnold. Have a seat.

Yeah. Let's find this thing out.

Here's the way it is.

Well,

Well, you see, Arnold, there are men and there are women, and they're different.

Well, I know that.

I figured that out the first time I went to the beach.

Well, see, a man and a woman, they... Well, you know...

Maybe we ought to start with the birds and the bees first. Hey, big brother,

none of that birds and bees stuff.

Who do you think I am, a kid?

You're right. The birds and the bees are for the birds.

I know that a baby comes from inside the mother. What I want to know is, how

does it get there?

Oh, how does it get there? Right.

Yes.

Has anyone ever told you about the salmon?

Salmon?

Yeah.

A woman gets a baby from eating a salmon.

What you talking about, Willis?

Well, you see, Arnold, the mama salmon has these eggs inside of her. And then

she has to swim upstream.

You didn't tell me Mrs. Martina had to swim upstream.

Let me finish, Arnold.

Well, you see, when the mama salmon gets up there, she lays these eggs.

And then the papa salmon fertilizes them. And that's the whole deal.

You mean...

That's it?

You got it? That's about the way I figured it.

It's our little secret, so don't tell the rest of the family I told you. You

did? I did.

Hey, Willis, should I tell Mrs. Martino how she got the baby?

Oh, no, you better not, Earl.

Yeah, you ought to see her. She's way out there.

She looks more like she's having a basketball.

She must have eaten a really big salmon.

I'm hungry.

Yeah.

Hey, what are these?

Patties?

These patties have been hanging around with some fish.

You're right, Arnold.

They are fish.

They're salmon patties.

I used very little butter when I fried them.

They're delicious.

Don't eat that, Mrs. Garrett.

Well, what in the world has gotten into you?

It's not what's gotten into me. It's what's getting into them.

I think he's freaking out.

That's it.

When Arnold was little, he was once scared by a salmon patty.

Knock it off, blood.

Arnold, what is all this fuss about salmon?

When you were little boys, didn't your mother ever make salmon for you and

Willis? I don't remember.

But now that I think of it, she must have made it twice.

Hello, I'm Mrs.

Martino. We just moved in.

I'd like to see Arnold's father, please.

Well, you're seeing Arnold's father, Mrs. Martino.

I'm Mr. Drummond. Oh?

Won't you please sit down? Thank you.

Well, now, what can I do for you?

Well, the first thing you can do is have a talk with your son, Arnold.

Uh -oh.

What did he do?

He had a chat with my daughter, Tina.

And now that I've met you, I'm a little surprised.

You seem like an intelligent man.

Well, if that's a compliment, thank you.

What did Arnold say to your little girl?

It's so ridiculous.

But he said that if a woman eats salmon, she'll have a baby.

Well, that was always my understanding.

I guess that's what they mean by a pregnant pause.

Mrs.

Martino, obviously Arnold has a misconception about...

Conception. Mr. Drummond, your casual attitude probably explains why both your

daughter and your housekeeper are pregnant.

Mrs. Martino.

Pregnant?

That's what your little boy told Tina.

He did?

I wonder why he'd say... Oh, of course.

Mrs. Garrett and Kimberly ate salmon last night. No wonder they're pregnant.

Drummond, you can bring up your child any way you see fit. I don't want my

subjected to foolish misinformation.

Now, look, Mrs. Martino... I didn't come here to argue. Now, I strongly suggest

that you have a talk with your son and straighten him out about where babies

come from.

Mr. Martino, I can understand you being upset.

And I'm going to have that talk with Arnold.

But just between the two of us, I really do know where babies come from.

And I also know all about... I wonder.

Hello. Hey, Willis.

This is our new neighbor, Mrs. Martino, my son Willis.

How are you? Hello.

Hello. I've had it with my wife.

Congratulations. He's hoping for twins.

I don't believe this.

I ought to get a divorce.

I can't believe this is happening on Park Avenue.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't understand, Mrs. Martino. You see,

really married. What?

I don't want to hear another word.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Mrs. Martino, this is my housekeeper, Mrs. Garrett.

Oh, Mrs. Martino.

Sorry I bumped into you in your condition.

My condition?

And what, may I ask, is my condition?

She thinks you're pregnant.

Pregnant?

Well, I did just smile at the butcher. Do you think I could do it?

Let me help you. Thanks.

Arnold told Mrs.

Martino's daughter, Tina, that if women eat salmon, they get pregnant.

Isn't that ridiculous?

Well, I think it's time for a facts of life talk with Arnold.

The problem is, how do you tell a kid that age about sex?

Very carefully.

Didn't your father tell you all about sex?

Oh, yes, he did.

I was 11 years old.

He came into my room. He shut the door.

He said, Philip, sit down.

I sat down.

He said, Philip, there are boys and there are girls.

And they're different.

That's all he said.

He never mentioned it again until I came back from my honeymoon.

And then I told him.

I said, Dad, you got it right.

I just hope I remember it right when I go to tell Arnold.

Mr. Dropman, you must be worn out from all that reading.

How about a little sustenance?

Oh, thank you. I'm just trying to decide on the right approach to this little

talk I'm going to have with Arnold.

According to some of these experts, if the introduction to sex is handled

improperly, you can scar a child for life.

Oh, you'll do just fine.

Animated sex?

Hmm.

That book explains it all in cartoons.

Oh.

Look at that cute little fella with the funny face and tail. Looks like a fish

swimming.

That is Sammy Spramatozoa.

Really?

That must be Olga Obum.

I still think this is the best approach to the physiology of sex.

A good, no -nonsense presentation of the facts.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, here is the young man I have been wanting to see.

Well, excuse me, I have a few things to do. Excuse me. Hey, wait, Mrs. Garrett.

Don't overwork yourself.

And if you get a sudden urge for pickles and ice cream, don't be surprised.

Thanks for your advice, Dr. Spock.

Any of the one on Star Trek with the pointed ears?

Listen, Arnold, I would like to have a little chat with you.

Sure, what about?

Well, about this notion of yours.

that a woman can have a baby by eating salmon.

Willis told you?

He told me to keep it a secret, and he says I'm a blabbermouth.

Well, the point is, it's all wrong.

That's not where a baby comes from.

Is it?

Has Willis got the wrong fish?

Arnold, I think it's time you knew the why and wherefore of sex.

Just don't leave out the how.

Now, I know that you know that males and females are different.

But what you may not know is this.

Inside the male and female reproductive organs are certain glands called gonads.

Okay?

You're following me?

I'm all ears.

Good.

Now, in the female, the gonads contain eggs.

Right.

And in the male, they contain spermatozoa.

Yeah. Now we're coming to the part that you asked about.

Yeah, the how.

The how.

Now, when the male spermatozoa reaches the female eggs, an egg is fertilized.

And at that very moment, the life of a baby begins.

Isn't that wonderful?

And it grows inside the mother for nine months.

Nine months.

That is called gestation.

And then the baby is born.

That's about it.

Any questions, Arnold?

No.

I think that'll keep me going until college.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome. I want you to feel free to come to me anytime you have any

questions. Thank you. And now that I know everything about sex, feel free to

come to me, too.

Oh, hi, Charlene.

Yep, I know we gotta name the baby.

I don't care if he's your favorite TV star.

We ain't naming it Eric Estrada Jackson.

Willis, I gotta talk to you. It's important.

I got any mercy here, Charlene.

I'll call you back.

And stop calling me hubby.

Willis, sit down.

What? Just sit down.

What is it?

sit me down and have these big brother talks and give it to me straight, right?

Right. Well, from now on, forget it. You don't know nothing.

What do you mean?

I mean, Willis, next to you, a dodo bird looks smart.

Now, wait a minute. Having babies has got nothing to do with salmon.

It's time you knew the real way it works, and I'm gonna lay it on you.

I can't wait to hear this.

The ladies is called eggs, and the man's is...

And he got out of a book that thick, so it must be right.

Okay, Arnold.

Sit. Again?

Well, I'm going to give it to you straight.

When I was a little kid, Papa told me how it works between a man and a woman.

See? Yeah, uh -huh.

And he looked at me a real long time, and he said, there's a time where it's

soon to pick a tomato, and there's a time when it's too late to pick a

And there's a time where it's just right.

Yeah?

Little brother, I think your tomato -picking time has come.

You see, Arnold, men and women are built differently.

And it takes both of them to make a baby.

And it takes a lot of love and caring about each other. So that's why Arnold

didn't want to feed the salmon. I think that's so cute.

Well, Mrs. Martino didn't think so.

Uh, Mr. Drummond, I gotta have a little rap session with you. It's important.

What is it, Arnold?

Well, uh, it's private.

Could you step over here, please?

Sure.

Right over here.

Okay.

Now, what do you want to rap about?

About babies.

Haven't we already rapped about that?

Yeah, but we gotta rap about that rap.

Now, see, I love you.

Well, I love you, too.

So I don't want you to go around making a fool of yourself.

Well, what do you mean?

What I mean is, if you tell anybody else what you told me about making babies,

they'll die laughing.

Who have you been talking to?

Well, and he told it to me like it really is. And I think, Mr. D., you

find out, too.

Thank you. I'm all ears.

Now, see, when a man and a woman want to have a baby, there's got to be a lot of

love and caring involved.

And what they do is...

Willis

told you that?

Not only that, but... He

told you that, too?

Well, listen, I'm glad he told you that, Arnold. Wait, there's more.

Told it?

I don't know whether I want to hear any more.

You've got to find out sooner or later.

Your tomato is way overripe.

Willis, I want to congratulate you. What for?

Everything that you told Arnold.

Why, congratulate him.

I was the one that filled you in.

Well, that's true, Arnold.

But Willis handled this much better than I did.

He was very straightforward, and he came right to the point.

I tried to hide behind some big technical book.

Well, Arnold, now you know all there is to know.

And if that's the way sex is, I'm going to stick to my electric trains.

Well, Arnold, when you're a little older, you're going to be chasing the

And when you're a lot older, you'll go back to your train.

How old is that?

I don't know.

I never met a man that old.

Well, Willis, it's nice to see you happy again. Everything okay with you and

Charlene? Yep. I called her back and I decided to stick with it and make the

marriage work.

Good for you.

Well, Willis, what changed your mind? You were going to get a divorce.

Well, Charlene said she named the baby Willis Jackson Jr.

range that she can only have one baby?

I'm doing the kitchen.

And I'm gonna help her.

Oh, I gotta do my homework.

Me too.

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you? May not be right for some.

But many born needs a man of ease.

Then along come two.

They got nothing but the genes.

But they got different strokes to take.

Different strokes to take. Different strokes to do the work. Different

to do the work.