Original subtitles

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some.

A man is born, he's a man of means. Then along come two, they got nothing

but the genes. But they got different strokes to take, different strokes to

take, different strokes to move the world.

Everybody's got a special kind of story.

Everybody finds a way to shine.

It don't matter that you got not a lot. So what? I'll have theirs and you'll

have yours and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine today.

Different strokes to move the world. Different strokes to move the world.

Good. Anyone want some more? Speak up. We will.

You won't have to worry about me sleeping tonight.

Hey, what's this in the freezer?

Oh, that's my hockey puck.

You guys will eat anything.

Why do you put your hockey puck in the freezer, Willis? Well, freezing it keeps

it from bouncing on the ice when you play.

Well, it keeps you from bouncing on the ice.

Funny. Hey, remember our family ain't here eating with us.

Who's that?

My goldfish, Abraham.

Abraham certainly is a member of the family, all right.

Who would have been... I never thought that a goldfish could become so involved

in family affairs.

Remember that little incident with Abraham?

Oh, yeah.

This ain't no justice, Abraham.

because he thinks I put Abraham in his hot tub.

But I didn't do it. Ain't that a prop?

Yeah, it sure is.

I never want to be eight years old again in my whole life.

I'm so used to being good if Mr. Drummond don't believe me.

No.

That's exactly what I expected.

Him about all that talk about being innocent until proven guilty is so much

bull. Yeah.

I promise you. Wish I could believe you. Hey, you can.

Hey, haven't I always taken care of you?

Yeah, I guess so.

Sure. And when you are sick, don't I get you well? When you're unhappy, don't I

let you blubber all over me?

Get ready for some more blubbering.

There ain't gonna be no more blubbering, because I'm gonna get you up the hook

with Mr. Drummond.

How you gonna unhook me?

You.

Keep Mr. Drummond talking about justice.

I got my own ideas about justice.

Me and Mr. Drummond gonna have ourselves one big showdown.

Mr.

Drummond? Yes, Willis. Remember all that jive you gave me about how everybody's

innocent until proven guilty?

That wasn't jive, Willis. I honestly believe that.

Then how come...

sentence my brother without giving him a fair trial.

Well, how much proof do you need?

Abraham was doing a breaststroke in my hot tub.

That don't mean I put him there. That just means my fish knows how to swim.

Right. You know, honors and titles have a fair trial like it says in this book

you said I should read.

A fair trial is a right guarantee to persons of every race, creed, and color.

And I gotta fit in there somewhere.

Mrs.

Garrett, your honor, we're ready.

Everybody rise.

Looks like she's dressed for a funeral.

Yes, mine.

Cool it, leave it to your mouthpiece.

You may all be seated.

And let's get this trial over.

because the judge has too loads of laundry in the washer.

Now I want to see how Daddy sends Arnold to the slammer.

The prosecuting attorney will make his opening statement.

Now, Kimberly, I am not going to mention Arnold's earlier bad behavior, like

snatching cookies, wrecking makeup cases, and folding legal documents into

airplanes. I'm not even going to stoop to mention any of that.

If he ever stoops, I'm going to fry.

Now, Kimberly, earlier today, you heard Arnold mentioning that his goldfish bowl

was too small.

That's right.

Good. He asked for justice for his goldfish.

And you brushed him off.

Forget it. No more questions.

Willis, your witness.

Just one for our side.

Kimberly, did you see Arnold put the goldfish inside the hot tub? No, I

That's too far side.

In other words, you think Arnold's absolutely innocent.

I wouldn't put anything past Arnold.

Our side doesn't know when to show this big mouth.

Does the defense attorney have any witnesses?

I'd like to call to the stand my innocent brother.

Arnold, dear, will you please stand up?

I am standing.

Oh. Uh, do you swear...

ain't done me no good.

Okay.

Arnold, I'm just gonna ask you one simple question.

Did you put Abraham inside of the hot tub?

No, sir. I'm innocent. I'm not guilty. And get the picture?

Your Honor, to sum up my case, everybody heard Arnold complaining about his

fishbowl being too small.

Next, I find his goldfish swimming in my hot tub.

And finally, who is the only witness in Arnold's defense?

A moth.

I rest my case.

Willis, while he's resting, you better get brilliant and save my butt.

Has the defense attorney got anything to say on behalf of Arnold's butt?

I sure do.

Look at this face.

Isn't this the face of a criminal?

No.

With this face, after giving you his word, break his promise?

No.

Your Honor, my client is innocent.

Amen!

Okay,

guys,

what do you say we hit the sack? I want to get up with you so I can see that

hockey game.

Then I can stay home and sleep.

You know, I gotta admit, I learned something about Fairtroth from you that

remember? Maybe you'll be a lawyer one day, will you? Oh, he'd be a darn good

one. I want to be a doctor someday.

Then you will be one.

Then I can give my brother the first brain transplant.

Now listen, before you guys can be anything, you've got to get a good

at school.

Did you have to mention school while we're eating?

Next, Daddy will be telling us about the good old days at his alma mater, Digby

Prep. No, I won't be doing that, Kimberly.

To my regret, the good old days at Digby Prep aren't the good old days anymore.

I learned that thanks to the boys.

That was sure some asshole.

What was?

Oh, when you tried to get that headmaster, Mr.

Bourdonnais, to accept Donald and Willis into Digby.

Oh, you beautiful...

as me.

You know, if I went to a school looking like this in Harlem, I'd get mugged.

This is Willis. And this is Arnold.

I trust you received their records.

Oh, we ain't got any records.

We ain't even been picked up for questioning.

School records, Arnold. Now, why don't you two boys run upstairs and get

into something more suitable for Digby? Oh, we'll try to change into two white

boys.

a great time at lunch today. Ran into Stinky Rogers.

Oh, with a name like that, I'd walk around him.

It's old school, chum.

We reminisced about the school. We even did the old school cheer.

What is it? Oh, it's nothing.

Listen, guys, I've got a level with you.

You know those tests that they gave you? Yeah.

Well, your scores...

Too low.

Does that mean we can't go to Digby?

What's your faith in Arnold? We're just plain dumb.

Yeah.

Only you've been dumb a lot longer than me.

You are not dumb.

Yes, we are, Mr. Drummond. We let you down.

Oh, don't say that. Will us. Then I'll say it.

We let you down, Mr. Drummond.

We're trying to make you so proud of us.

I am proud of you.

Very proud, Willis.

Does that include me?

Come here.

Listen, you guys.

There's no way you let me down.

And you're not dumb.

That's just a lot of... I'm not going to say the words.

Is that the words you won't let us say?

Now, listen, you guys.

I know that you're both very smart.

I don't understand how they go to failure.

Something is wrong here.

It must have been all those trick questions.

What do you mean, trick questions?

The kind that need answers.

I mean special answers.

They wanted to know, what does the blindfold lady with the scales

Willis, that is the symbol of our American legal system.

My answer was wrong.

Well, what did you say? I said the scales meant she was in the market, and

blindfold meant she didn't want to see the butcher rip her off.

Mr. Drummond. Oh?

Like what?

Like, they asked me how many people could sleep in a house with three

and a double bed in each room.

And what was your answer?

Eighteen.

Eighteen? Yeah.

We know people who get three in a bed, two on the floor, six on the couch, and

one in the bathtub.

And of course, the one in the bathtub goes crazy from the water dripping on

hand.

You know something, boys?

For the first time, I'm beginning to understand something.

Me too.

We're dumb.

Now stop it, Arnold.

No. Those tests are dumb. They asked you questions you couldn't possibly relate

to.

You want me, the headmaster of Digby, to take a test?

That's right.

Surely you're joking.

Boys, are we joking?

The tests you gave my boys were very unfair, and we're going to prove that to

you.

All right, guys.

Start the questions.

Question number one.

If there's no water in the house, how did you take a shower?

Obviously, you can't.

Wrong.

You wait for them to turn on the fire hydrant and run out in the street with

your underwear.

That's ridiculous.

You're a little out of touch, Mr. Bourdonnais.

Willis?

If I gave you a brown egg, two Charlie's, and a deuce of ruff, what

have?

I think I'd have a headache.

Wrong.

You'd have $2 .21.

In what country?

In the old country.

We call it out.

Really, Mr. Drummond, I think this is going a little too far.

Oh? You put my boys through exactly the same experience.

Question number three, Arnold.

Three kinds of blue.

Well, there's azure, indigo, and baby blue.

Whoa.

Where we come from, the three blues are lowdown, barrel house, and gut bucket.

You guys were sure right. That Mr. Bourdonnais was some turkey.

Yeah, and you roasted him pretty good.

Listen, I gotta get some sleep. I gotta get up to go to a hockey game.

Look who's talking.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm guilty. You know, I wasn't gonna let you kids stay up this late except at

the New Year's Eve party.

Hey, Mr. D, at our party, can I have some champagne?

Me too, Daddy. How about me having a shot of the bubbly?

Oh, I don't think so, Arnold. You're all too young.

Am I old enough to smell the cork?

That'll do it for me. One smell of the cork and my legs... turn into noodles.

Hey, listen, gang, before we go to bed, let's help Mrs. Garrett with the dishes.

Oh, okay.

Good idea.

Well, thanks, gang.

Hey, I know how we can have a lot of fun at our New Year's Eve party. How?

I never dropped a water bomb by moonlight.

Disregard, I said that.

Arnold, didn't you learn your lesson about those pranks the last time?

Yes sir, and the shower came in a plastic bag.

Even Mr. Drummond.

the one to give it to him oh what do you mean willis the only one that ever

spanked us was mom and papa and they're dead if anybody's got a spank on it's

got to be family and that's me

forgets, my butt will remind him.

Have a good hockey game.

Good night, Kimberly.

Good night, Mr.

Drummond. Good night, boys.

Thanks for helping me clean up our party mess. Anytime.

Hey, guys, I really am sorry that I kept you up so late, but I just wanted you

to know how I felt about you.

We understand, Mr. Drummond.

And we're glad we're living here, too.

Yeah. You can even play at my train.

Yeah.

Good night, guys. Good night. Good night, Mr. Drummond. Pleasant dreams.

You too.

Guess what, Willis?