Original subtitles

Hello. Hi.

You okay?

No. I borrowed your van. I just got to get out of town.

What do you remember?

Well, I woke up and there was a monkey behind the wheel of the van.

I got to get to Colorado.

I got to drop myself off the lake and then you can have your van back.

I don't want to go to Colorado.

You're doing me a favor. Thank you.

I'd like to turn around now, please.

I got to keep going.

What is this? This is a joke. I'm going to Colorado.

No, you're not. I'm not letting some birthday clown take me to Colorado. I'm

a birthday clown.

This is my vehicle, okay? So I need you to stop driving it. You're a noisy guy.

You're breaking the law. Are you aware of that?

You're standing on my dick. Are you aware of that?

I thought he was taking me to hell or wherever.

I didn't know where I was.

I was pretty upset.

I don't know who you are, and you're driving my van.

Fuck like you were using it, actually.

Where'd you get the keys? The keys were on your nightstand next to your dangling

feet. You don't get involved in someone else's thing.

Oh, just leave you there?

That would fuck with my conscience.

I can't live with that. All right, fuck this. Pull the fuck over. Fuck off! Pull

the fuck over!

Back off, bitch!

Pissy man. Pissy man.

Little piss man you are.

I gotta go to my mom's house. I don't know who the fuck you are or what's

on, but I need to get to my mother's house.

I would love to meet your mom, but I don't think we're at that stage of our

relationship right now. Would you please listen to this?

I sent my mom a suicide note.

And I would like to get to her house before it does.

Oh!

Where does she live?

Espanola.

Okay, well, you've got to take me to the lake after.

Whatever. But I can't have her reading that note. She'll turn into a shark.

Finally, the monkey backed out.

I guess he had a conscience.

Either that or he couldn't really see the road to drive.

Gaffer's on you, bud. I gave all my money to a homeless guy last night.

I am a homeless guy.

Should have been me.

Could have been rich.

It's okay.

Can use my allowance.

I got a credit card in my panties. What?

It's more like a hot pant, like a sport panty.

With a strong waistband, good for storage.

Anyway, it's not your business.

I'll come here a little bit.

Come to me, you little piece of...

What are you looking at?

I've got a pain inside.

I'm going to move this.

Monkey, monkey!

No thanks.

The mailman beat me to it.

She'd torn out her garden.

There was flowers everywhere.

Mom?

Mom?

Are you kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

No. Leroy!

I'm sorry!

What the fuck?

God damn it! God damn it! What the fuck?

What the fuck, Leroy?

Leroy! God damn it! You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! Why would you do

this to me? I'm sorry, I...

Maybe I should have succeeded and then you could make me some bullshit shrine.

You wouldn't get the same treatment for a suicide.

Listen,

I'm not wearing this anymore.

Good. Because it's a fake.

What are you talking about?

So he kept the real one.

He's wearing it.

This is so messed up.

There's no use in trying to protect you anymore.

It hasn't helped.

I don't really remember you trying to protect me much.

I'm going to take these matches and go light a cigarette.

Because I smoke, Mom. I'm a smoker.

Smoke weed, too.

Figures. And I'm bisexual.

And I've done cocaine.

Happy Mother's Day!

How'd that go?

Peachy. Good. Can we go to the lake now?

No.

I'm gonna dig up my dead dad.

And that has nothing to do with anything.

I want to go to Colorado. I don't want to dig up some dead guy. Well, I got to

do this. Well, I'll take you afterwards, but I'm angry right now. I'm fired up,

and I'm ready to go. I can't wait and then go dig up my dead dad.

You can take me there, and then you can go and dig up your dead dad at your own

leisure. No, that's exactly the opposite of what I need, okay? It'll just be

weird to show up not mad anymore and digging up my dad. That's gross and

up. I don't... to get all bogged down in your admin.

You've got too many parents you're always visiting.

If I miss the hiring period at the lake, I got nothing. I'm going to have to

sell my ass. And my ass, I don't know what it's worth, monkey ass, these days.

It's old and saggy. It's lost its price.

Money? Is that what this is?

Because I can give you money. You don't have any money. You gave it to a

homeless guy.

That watch is worth like $20 ,000.

I'll give you half.

You'll give me half?

Yeah.

That's weird.

It's not about the money for me. I want to dig up my dead dad mostly so I can

say, fuck you, dad!

Didn't you say it when he was alive?

No, and that's my one regret.

Let that be a lesson to you.

The people that you hate in life, tell them to fuck off while they're alive,

because you don't get that chance again, and you'll regret it forever.

That's fucked.

Quit gawking. You look weird when you do it.

Hello, this is Roy.

Hello, Wade.

No, I'm sorry. No, it's probably in the room.

Maybe.

Yeah, I have it. Sorry about that.

I'll put it in the mail.

That's fine. I'll just add it to the list of charges.

What?

You destroyed the ceiling fan, plus the cleaning fees for your little chewing

gum candle holder project and whatever the fuck else you were doing in your

little shitstorm back there.

One of my employees is missing. Her name is Jane.

Ring any bells?

Uh, no. Sorry, I don't know any Jane, I don't guess.

I'm sorry to hear that.

How does he know I'm with you? I don't even know you. I don't know. I'm not

here. How does he know I'm here?

What is this backwater shit nowheresville we're in? Where the fuck

Where do you take me to?

Sorry, could you bring me some silverware?

Silverware? Brick material?

I just need a spoon.

Have you got any sweetener?

That's sugar.

You're going to stand there and tell me that sugar isn't sweet?

Sugar's sweet.

I want to get one of these, but the boat version.

What thing is a boat version?

I want to get a pontoon.

Pontoon? Ooh la la.

Ever seen one of those banana rides?

Uh -huh, yeah.

I could run that kind of outfit.

You mean like tow people around?

Splash those fuckers along.

A monkey with a pontoon and one of those banana things bouncing along the water.

Don't look at me like that.

No, it's a good idea.

You make it sound bad with that face.

No, I don't. My face makes it sound great.

I'm a radio guy.

Listen to this.

That's a good idea, monkey.

It is a good idea. It's a good idea.

People would queue up for that shit. Stop it. What? Monkey's banana ride.

making fun of me. I'm not making fun of you. I think it's a good idea.

Okay, well.

Shut up and buy a ticket then. Okay.

It's a mentally able plan.

Fuck that guy.

Things are going to change around here.

Every lake in America is going to have a franchise monkey.

Pontoon banana.

Fuck. Monkey bitch.

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable, fun summer plan.

That's nice.

Get and splash around on a lake. Maybe have a strawberry.

You know what I mean?

That's like a kind of pineapple daiquiri kind of day.

Yeah. I like a pina colada. You know why?

Because it tastes like sunblock.

I want to drink that. I want to drink sunblock and say, yes sirree, this is

nice. What are you wearing, Roy? Little hot pants?

Little hot pants.

And I'm water skiing going, heck yeah.

You know, eat my wake.

You're not water skiing. You're riding a banana.

Yeah. Between your legs, Roy.

Big splashy yellow one.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

Sounds good. Sounds good.

Hot day.

Hot pants.

I just got a couple tweaks to the business plan. I need a boat, a banana,

you're going to take me to the lake. I will take you to the lake. Thank you.

Could you stop for a sec?

Here.

I'm going to take a piss, Roy.

Okay. So don't look at that bush for a bit.

Might take me a while.

And if it takes me a while, I don't want you to consider whether I'm taking a

dump.

So just don't look at that book and give me some space.

I never would have thought that unless you said it and you did say it. So I'm

going to have to de -robe.

It's a lot to hoik out from between the knees.

Hoik. So that I don't piss into my own head, if you know what I mean.

I've never had that problem.

No, you've just got those big bulls you've got to hoik out. Yeah, hoik those

fuckers up. I'm not used to that, you see.

Anyway, give me some time.

Read a book.

Whatever you like.

Mayor Dolman today. You forget?

Sorry. Things have been a little tough.

And you don't even call me to tell me what's going on.

Listen, I don't think I can finish the mayor story.

It's done.

I put Samson on it.

It's not the only thing you put Samson on.

Oh, leave me alone.

Ashley, come on.

This is not going to work.

You need to bring me a story.

Are you done at sunlight?

Okay. Bye.

Let's go.

That dad is not going to dig up himself.

He might.

He's a mean motherfucker.

So are you like a DJ or...

I'm not a DJ. I am a special interest interviewer. You're listening to Roy

Belvedere on Sunlight Radio.

With us today is Mayor Gutierrez, the mayor of Silver City, New Mexico.

Mayor Gutierrez, what are you interested in?

I'm interested in mine shaft.

Oh, that's interesting. What kind of mine? Silver mine. Hence, Silver City.

Is there silver down there still?

No, Roy, there isn't.

Oh, so it's holes in the ground then?

Why, yes it is.

Well, that's exciting.

Who doesn't like a nice hole in the ground?

Thank you, Mayor Gutierrez. It's been a wondrous joy to talk to you.

You're listening, as ever, to Sunlight Radio.

With Roy, oy, oy, Belvedere, here, here, here.

So you're like one of those wittering guys that's good at wittering. You're

trying to keep the ball in the air and just, well, how about that? Look at all

these holes, Mayor. One of those laugh at your own jokes kind of guys.

It's never about anything. I just have a cheery voice.

You know, I'm cheery as a chipmunk with a bag of nuts.

Chatterbox Belvedere.

And I eventually just worked around towards killing myself.

Did you make a hole joke?

Did you ask him how many holes he's got?

I did not ask him how many holes he's got. Do you want to know how many holes

got? Yes, I do.

I've got one, two, three, four, five.

Hang on. I lost count.

I've got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

ten. I got ten holes, Roy. List them.

Nostril, nostril, eye, eye, ear, ear, mouth, titty holes, pussy, asshole,

piss hole. Yeah.

I like that. That was like a thong you were doing.

Butt hole, butt hole, eye hole, nose hole, mouth hole.

Ear hole, pussy hole, dick hole. Ass hole, nice hole, what hole? That hole,

hole, ear hole, nose hole, nostril. Dick hole, eye hole, nostril, pussy hole,

penis hole, butt hole, ear hole, eye hole.

Eye hole, glory hole, my hole, your hole.

Glory hole, glory hole, what a thing a glory hole.

Butt hole, penis hole, one, two, three -nose hole. Why hole, what hole, stick

in my butt hole.

Thing hole, thong hole, put it in the wrong hole.

Running out of holes, Roy, running out of holes.

Keep those holes coming, keep those holes.

Our holes, our holes, ear holes, butt holes, eye holes, titty holes, penis

holes, everybody's own holes, eye holes, your holes, my holes, your holes, my

holes, my holes, penis holes, titty holes,

eye holes, mouth holes, mouth holes, good holes, bad holes. Let's go dig a

hole.

Where's the fur?

That's Jean. She took off in it last night.

She was wearing it? Wearing the whole thing. She took off in the fur? Fully

wearing it, yeah.

This guy, Wade, will he come after you?

Well, he doesn't drive.

He's like a kind of cyclist fanatic.

Like a superior kind of guy.

Get there by his own power.

Who is he?

He's Jane's stepdad.

You know, the bitch in here.

Her stepdad.

Shouldn't really call him that.

More like mom's boy toy husband.

Fucking old toy boy.

Well, he came along when Jane's mom was sick.

When the cancer stopped responding to the chemo. And she was like, she was in

number seven permanently then. They moved her in.

And he got all so charming.

So fucking charming with her.

Put a ring on her stupid finger.

Fucked her while she was radioactive.

He's a hero for cancer kind of guy.

All right.

So the hotel's his now.

And he's so good at forms, Roy. He's good at filling in forms.

I fucking hate forms!

He's good at filling in little forms, little boxes.

He's good at that shit.

That kind of shit makes me want to die.

Jane used to go to the veterans' convalescent home, lift her skirt.

Jane used to go there and do that, and the veterans were happy.

Everyone was happy.

Sounds all right.

Fucking uptight nurse.

Sorry. Well, Wade found out about that.

He gets a fucking pen.

And I've got to behave, or it adds to my checklist of things that make me

mentally unfit, because he's good at forms.

I remember when I was a kid, this other kid pulled all the legs off of Daddy's

long legs.

Just left a little pod.

A little pod full of pain.

That's me.

That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Daddy, no legs.

Beet juice?

Not on your life.

Makes me feel like a vampire.

I want to live forever like one.

The devil comes for us all, big guy.

Rather drink the good stuff until he dies.

You get that this is a pretty bad thing, though, right?

Well, it's theft.

That monkey is the mascot to my club.

The way she acts when she puts on that thing, it's diabolical.

Therianthropy.

It's a psychiatric term. The delusional state of believing you're an animal. Is

that something we can use?

Like how? Like house arrest.

She needs to be back here where she belongs, which is with me.

Try it with her mom's maiden name. You must know that.

You're not as smart as you think you are, Condor.

That's it.

I got in.

She's in Los Ojos.

I can cycle that.

Biggest mistake, though, was to fuck him so many times.

Yeah. Fucked stepdad.

Not in a kinky way.

Not like some niche genre of porn.

Just some fucking old guy who's good at forms.

Who's the worst person you could fuck?

And that's wifey did.

Bring it on!

Bring it on, worst thing. Let me do the worst thing.

Well, that would be the wrong guy to fuck.

A curse in the head.

That wouldn't be the best idea.

Let's do it.

Let's cause a travesty.

Anyway, his radioactive dick turned me nuclear.

Ha! You didn't expect that. Look at me.

Fucking superhero.

I'm brand new. I'm pure. I'm fresh.

I'm doing it right. I'm a business monkey. Yeah, business monkey.

Gonna get that boat.

Gonna bring some smiles to some fuckers on the beach.

I'm like a calendar, Roy.

June.

I might nearly be dry by now.

How about a can of spaghetti?

Mamma mia, che faccio!

Yeah, they're probably about ready.

So what's Jane gonna do?

Doesn't matter.

She's leaving it up to me now.

She died last night just like you.

It's a little makeshift, but it, you know, it does the job.

A little privacy.

All right.

Oh,

Roy, that's gorgeous.

That's all yours.

Don't worry, I'll stay out on my side and you got your side.

Yeah, don't worry, I'm the sex offender in this situation.

Yeah.

All right.

I saw some Xanax up top, but it was empty.

Have you got any more?

If it was empty, it was empty.

Uh -huh.

You're out of everything, Roy.

I haven't really been planning ahead lately.

Oh, I'm going to attempt to sleep in this thing.

I'm terribly uncomfortable.

I feel superstitious about it.

What do you mean?

Since I've had it on, I haven't made any bad decisions.

Oh, you didn't put the bed down properly, Roy.

What happened?

Let me go down one final terrifying inch.

I'm sorry.

Yeah? You know, you said you'd give me half.

I would like half.

That's all right.

But I gotta know that you'll stay alive long enough for me to pay you back.

I don't want dead man's money.

It's a buzzkill.

You okay, Roy?

Uh -huh.

You don't look fully okay.

I'm sleeping.

I'm not sleeping.

You look all fucked.

I'm fine.

You wanna... You just wanna sit down or something?

I was lying back there feeling all weird and um.

I thought I was dying, you know?

I wasn't really planning to be here.

Yeah, and I'm a bit nervous you want that. It's making me feel bad, but I

know what, you know, what can I do?

I don't want you to feel like that. I'm just a little disoriented.

So you're not thinking about doing it again?

Because I can't get any sleep.

No, I'm okay.

I'd feel really shit if you did that.

I'm not doing that. I'm just lying here.

I kind of want to take you to the brink, Roy.

See if you really want it.

Like we could do a role play.

You'd die in my arms.

Kind of iron out all the urges you've got.

I'll die in your arms.

You are kind of inviting in a weird way. I mean, you're kind of nice.

You're kind of... You look soft.

I'm an armchair, Roy.

You want me to sit with you?

I'm all about it, Roy. Get on in.

get on in there this feels like some santa claus oh yeah happy christmas

you could die like this

i've always wanted someone to like trust me enough to die in my arms i'm

starting to feel like this is more for you i don't mean like in a serial killer

way like in a good solid way like i'll be the guy

My mom died in fucking wage arms.

It's annoying.

This is pretty comfortable, I've got to admit.

I always kind of wanted to blow my brains out.

No, no, Roy. I know it sounds horrible, but just hear me out. I know it sounds

bad. Here he goes.

It's just the thought of my brain's cooling as they slide down the wall.

Don't fetishize it, Roy. It's not a fetish. It just sounds nice. Yes, it is.

You're too into it, Roy. Burning thoughts and just to think of them. I'm

having it, Roy.

Cooling down on the wall. Shut up. Don't get so into it, Roy.

It's the kind of chat I want you to stop.

It's not fun.

It's pretty morbid, actually.

Much better I sit on your face and you choke on my ass first.

That's a death.

Choke on the ass fur.

Lights out.

You're kind of cute.

I'm a bouncer.

Yeah, you're pretty cute.

You're like soft.

You got a sweet face.

Sweet my ass.

I'm a hefty guy.

Shout out a boner.

I didn't know it was such a hot commodity, Roy. I didn't either, but you

your hand on my Johnson.

It's not my real hand, but it is the hand that controls the way I move my

Is it the action of me talking that got you going? Is that what's happening? I'm

squeezing a handle in here.

So if I talk a lot, maybe he'll come.

If I keep talking as fast as I can, oh, yes, Roy, any minute now, Roy, any

minute now.

Do you like little gaps in between? Little rests, little teasy little rests.

then on I go, on I go, on and on and on and on. Oh, God, this is a new stage of

humiliation. Well, I think I teared you up, Roy. I'm going to go to bed now. I'm

sorry, I didn't... Oh, you're okay.

Good news.

Sign of life, Roy.

Okay, night, Roy.

Night, monkey.

Night, Bono.

Roy? Oh shit.

You scared the shit out of me.

Sorry. I thought you might be hanging from one of these trees.

You're doing yoga?

Yeah.

That's fresh.

Did you get any sleep?

Yeah, I slept okay.

In the end, you?

Yeah, I did.

You like a teacher or what? No, I've just done a little yoga, you know.

You know, a couple moves, Roy, you're not kidding.

what's that one called that's a reverse warrior very nice you know warrior one

just the kind of basic sun salutation business warrior three

yeah formidable roy as long as he doesn't lose his balance yeah

watch out for that guy you want to do some stretches sure warrior two i guess

the reverse warrior

Looking fresh.

I feel pretty good.

Happy days.

Happy days.

Y 'all hit the road?

Let's hit it, Roy.

Oh, fuck it.

Oh, give me a fucking minute.

Hi.

What do you think just happened?

Something nice?

Kind of sexy?

It's not me that did that. Somebody else does that and she makes bad decisions

and she takes my hands off and she unzips my body and she fucks up my life.

Okay, well, let's just get a pencil and figure this out.

A pencil?

Yeah, let's just do some simple math here, okay? Because I think we're even.

We'll get two columns.

First column, I got a weird boner last night.

So we'll put that in column A.

Okay. Today, today you got excited and wanted me to finger

you. That's in column B.

Get a pencil, cancel them out.

Two of the same thing. Back to zero. Start over.

Fuck it. Never happened.

Do you like me?

I do like you.

Not the one inside me. No, I like you and the one inside. If you like her,

you can't like me because we're different.

She'll creep in on you and get in your pants.

Well, it's confusing because you're the same person.

Not the same.

She's in her column with the fingering and I am not fucking anywhere near it. I

don't want you thinking, oh, when's the zipper coming down?

I don't have a zipper. A monkey threw it through like a potato.

Okay, there's no zipper. If she gets all funny like that again, I need you to be

true to me and not go sneaking into her big hairy dick trap.

That's hers, not mine. And she fucked up everything.

She didn't fuck up everything, okay? And now you're looking hurt, and we were

just going to dig up your dad, and now everything's a big boner.

She got a bit of a history with this kind of shit, and it doesn't end well

her. Okay. So you'll be doing me a favor if we just keep this clean.

And no tits, no ass, nothing. Don't say them, though, because that... It doesn't

help if you're saying tits and ass and all this.

I picture it. Well, don't picture my nice pussy all wet for you. It's not.

need to think about the hag in here who's got no teeth and no tongue. And

not even good for mouth fucking because it's dry.

And she's old and weird.

And she smells like cabbage. Okay.

So forget about it. It's not very convincing.

Stop fantasizing.

Let's forget about it. It's not happening again.

No offense to you. It's just bad for me.

Fine.

Yeah.

Let's get some lunch. Yeah.

Let's go get a sandwich.

I don't actually love sandwiches.

I make a wicked sandwich.

I like a crepe suzette.

I haven't had one since the 80s.

It's like a crepe, but with orange, and they flame it on up, and it flambés in

front of your face, and it tastes good.

That's like a real thin pancake, right?

Normal.

French.

You'll be down there in no time.

It's pretty soft, all right.

Shit, man.

Yeah.

Shit, man.

I'm not going.

Actually feels good, a little bit of ice and ice.

Is this your first grave you dig?

Yeah, apart from my hamster.

That's a shallow one, I imagine.

Should I be keeping some kind of watch?

Nobody comes out here.

Ever.

Is it cathartic? It feels pretty good, yeah.

Deep in.

You know what I mean?

So was he like a liar or like violent or...

I mean, as much as I like this therapy session.

You know, he was terrible.

Okay. He was a terrible man.

Any question about my dad is just an avalanche of bullshit.

And fear and anxiety just overtakes me. Okay, keep digging, keep digging.

Forget I mentioned it.

Oh, yeah.

You like that?

I like it.

Like a cat jumped on my lap.

That was nice.

I'm quite digging, Roy.

My arms hurt. I'm getting blisters.

This is exhausting.

Creepy the way all the roots go over him. Yeah. Like a carapace of roots.

Yeah, it's like they're trying to keep him down there.

You're right about no one visiting.

No one gives a damn about any of these losers.

No.

No one.

No one except my mama.

Well, it's nice for every loser to have at least one visitor, I think.

I'll be yours.

Doing well, Roy.

No far to go

Come

on soon Roy

You're stressing me out, Roy.

I'd say don't get out, but you can't get out.

That's why you'll be safe.

Keep track.

Matter of fact, I'm not back at 10.

You can keep that watch.

Hi, Daddy.

Monkey, there's bubbles coming up.

I got it.

Let go, you motherfucker.

You okay, Roy?

I'm just making peace.

Goodbye, Daddy.

Who's there?

Oh, shit.

Run, run. Stop right there.

My eye. God damn it, I said stop.

Go, go, go, Roy.

Go, go, go, go. Oh, oh, oh, oh, we did it, Roy.

Roy, you did it. We dug up my dead dad.

We dug him up, we dug him up. Look at it, look at it. Still ticking.

Look at it shine. Look at it.

That's a good watch, taking all that time. That is not a watch. That is a

pontoon. It's a pontoon ride on a lake with a banana.

Are you really going to give me half?

Am I going to give you half? I'll pay you back.

I don't want it back.

Shut up.

You already paid for it. You saved my life.

I mean, I had fun for the first time.

I lost my eye, Roy.

Where is it? It's in my mouth. I found it in my mouth, and I'm eating it with

actual mouth.

I got some glue in the junk drawer.

Oh!

Check it out, Roy!

That's scarier than my dad.

I can see you better now.

I've never known anyone who dug up a grave and got a watch out before, Roy.

You're someone who does what they say they're going to do.

You're good. Fuck you, you're good. Fuck you, you're good.

We did it.

Well,

I might need to stop soon and try and dry out a bit.

It's on my hands.

You don't know who I am.

I know enough.

I'll get you that glue.

What are you talking about?

Fucking come on.

On. On, bitch!

Ah, you fuck!

Fuck you.

I will fuck you up.

You scabby cunt!

Son of a whore!

Where are we? I overshot the turn.

I'll go back. I should probably cool my jets for a minute.

I think my flesh... My flesh has gone all scabies.

Yeah, you're getting boot rot, trench foot.

Yeah.

I feel like my arms are rotting, my real ones.

Oh.

Think I've left it too long, Roy.

She's afraid to come out.

I mean, she's afraid you won't like her as much as you like me.

Oh, you won't?

You're normal. You didn't need one of these.

Normal.

It's extreme.

I'm aware that it's extreme. Dream.

That's fine.

I can get you a pontoon.

And T minus nothing.

What if I don't make it with the pontoon?

I've never run a business.

I don't have an address.

Apparently, I'm just a...

fantasist.

You'll be all right.

I don't know about that.

Why don't I take us to a motel and you can take a shower?

I won't come in. I'll stay out here.

I could take your exterior to the laundromat while you're having a shower.

And you could pile into a nice, warm, fluffy new you.

Listen, I'll drive to that motel.

In the deepest ocean, the

bottom of the sea, your eyes,

they turn.

in fire.

How you doing?

Looking for anything special?

No, I'm actually here to sell.

Oh, we do that too.

What you got?

I've got this watch.

Oh, it's an heirloom.

All right, let's have a look.

I think it's worth about 20 grand.

I'm sorry to say this watch is a fake.

It's a good fake.

But it's fake.

No, it isn't.

I know what I have here.

No, I'm afraid you don't.

I don't really like what you're implying.

I'm sorry, okay? I'm not implying anything. I just... I know this is the

thing.

Let me show you something, okay?

You see this typeface here?

That's a German font.

It should be Renaissance Roman calligraphy for this make.

But this is Blankenberg or Zyrus Rift or something.

And this backing is steel. It's nice. Stainless.

But it should be silver.

This is fake.

You know what?

I'm really sorry.

That's so silly of me.

This is the real one.

I'm really sorry. I had both of them with me, so... All right.

Well, let's have a look, huh?

Let's see here.

Oh, no.

This one's fake, too.

Sorry, buddy.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, this one's not even inscribed.

Hey. We can't all win the lottery, huh?

You okay?

100%. Well, hey, man, these are really good fakes.

All right? It ain't your fault.

They're not worth anything.

I guess I could... I could give you 200 for the pair.

Take your time.

How much for the wolf?

Well, it's a pretty unique piece.

I know someone I think might really like that.

Well, I tell you what.

I'll do you an even trade.

Both watches for the wolf.

Hey, Skip.

How's it going, Daddy?

Guess what I just did.

I just traded that old wolf costume for a $25 ,000 watch. Oh, shit,

Daddy.

We're getting fajitas for lunch.

Holy guacamole. Hell, yeah.

Like a glove.

Yeah, kitty.

Kitty, kitty.

Gal Belvedere.

Uh -huh.

Violated how?

Huh.

Uh -huh.

Thank you for the call. I appreciate it.

How the hell are you, my kid?

Damn it.

Nice patch of sun.

Holy shit.

Fuck!

How'd you get here?

I cycled. You cycled? Yeah. Have you been good? I really have.

Really? Uh -huh.

Where's the monkey?

Um, he's in, he's... He's getting a wash?

Yeah, he's, uh... Shall I go grab him?

Yeah.

You should.

I'll get him.

No. Do not put that on.

Does this look like a person who's mentally fit?

Who's working out the details of her own life?

We were making a little progress, not so much anymore.

Open the fucking door, monkey girl.

You take your fat, furry little fingers, open the fucking door!

Unlock the door.

Hi, Roy couldn't make it, so, uh, I'm here now.

Oh, who am I? I'm Winterdance, the White Wolf, and I'm here to tell you that

everything is fucked!

I can wait, all right?

I got all day.

Who the fuck is this?

Looking good, Roy.

Is this guy bothering you? Oh, Mr. Belvedere. Roy Belvedere. No, I'm not

Belvedere. I'm Winterdance, the white wolf. Yes, I like it. I've got to talk

you. This is Wade. He's like my vet or my zookeeper or whatever. He keeps me

healthy. He gives me water and food. This is a sick woman, all right? I'm not

woman. I'm a monkey. She's the least crazy person I've ever met. No, she is

Yes, I am. I know my shit.

I know all... my shit and I'm going away. There is a conservative ship. I'm

taking care of her.

Oh, really?

She has.

Yes, he talks too much. We're going.

Mr. Belvedere.

Mr. Belvedere. We're going.

I do not appreciate you encouraging this type of behavior. Look how sad you

become. Look how sad you are.

Dressed as a monkey hanging out with a dog. I'm a business monkey and I'm

starting a business without you.

You're my responsibility.

God, what the fuck?

Oh, man.

You okay?

Yeah.

That's him, Roy. That's the guy.

That's the guy. Not pretty.

Hear him talking about how I'm sick?

How would I not be sick?

How would I not be sick looking at that and listening to that all day?

I told him I'm a business monkey.

Wait till he sees what I'm capable of, Roy.

A pontoon!

Ha ha!

Fuck that guy.

There's been a setback.

What kind of setback?

There's been a major fucking setback.

What is this? You're a wolf now?

I've messed things up.

I'm a bad news wolf.

The watch was fake.

There's no pontoon? There's no pontoon, monkey!

Oh, fuck!

My dad -dad fleeced me. Twice!

I'm sorry.

He's not escaped from me, Roy.

He'd have found me anyway.

Oh, shit, Roy. Just take me there anyway. Should we just go to the lake

You could drop me off.

Yeah, we'll go to the lake anyway.

Go to Colorado.

Oh, my God.

What?

He's here. What?

Well, go faster, Roy. Fucking go. I can't go any faster. This thing maxed at

Holy shit, he's coming, Roy. What the fuck is this guy on?

He's on his fucking bike.

Roy, he's gaining on us.

Are you slowing down? What the fuck is catching up? I got the pedal all the way

down. Just leave it.

Jane, it's time for us to go home now, okay?

There is no home. I'm not coming with you, you freak. What are you doing?

You're risking your life, old man. Just fucking give up on it. Monkey, wait.

It's your fucking psychopath.

No, no, don't open that.

Oh, my God. Just back the fuck up. Careful.

You can't take care of yourself.

We've been down this road a hundred times before. It's a new day, new man.

That's my monkey suit.

And I need it for the monkey club.

I need it to breathe. And I need you to come home and be where I can see you.

Close the door. I want someone else to look at. I want someone else to look at.

I want to look at you. At my table. And in my fucking bed.

I am finished with that. Jane!

You come with me now.

Or me and Dr. Machines will have you committed.

Fuck my face.

You're okay.

Is he dead?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's done everything he's gonna.

It's okay.

Okay, I got you.

We're okay. We're okay.

My face. Roy, can you take off my face?

No. No, we can't. I gotta get you to the hospital.

Smashed in. I know.

Smashed in. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Sir, you got to check in with reception.

I'll just come with you. We'll take care of him.

Her. We'll take care of her. The best thing you can do right now is check in

with reception.

I'll be here, monkey.

Can you bring in a patient?

Yeah.

Patient's name?

Jane.

Patient's last name?

I don't know.

Relationship to patient?

Best friend.

Sorry, you won't be allowed back, sir. You're not a family member.

But can you fill out these forms while you wait? I mean, fuck!

What the hell?

Hi, Mom.

I got a lot to tell you.

This isn't Dad.

This is a whole different asshole.

Jesus!

I just put them in here because I thought, this is where they go.

You're under arrest.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

You have a right to an attorney.

If you can't afford one, one will be provided for you.

I'm going to get you the holiday package. I'll get you the coffee, and do

want tortillas or no?

I would love a tortilla.

Okay, well, I'll get you the tortillas, and I'll get you lots of coffee.

I'd like to hear more about that dog. Is it a puppy, Mom? It's not a puppy.

It was a rescue dog that I got at the pound. Uh -huh. Yeah, I saw him there

I was dropping off your cats.

I probably should get back to him soon. He's in the house all alone, all locked

up.

Okay.

I'll see you next time.

Okay.

on your tape recorder.

We're going to do great things, Roy.

We're going to do big business, Roy. We're going to leave our old lives

tear up the road ahead, and fuck things up good, Roy.

What fun.

No one's ever made me spaghetti in a can before, Roy.

Oh, fuck, you really got me with that one.

Well, there's this pesky business with the woman inside me.

Hiding away.

Being all mysterious.

Here she comes.

Hi, Roy, it's Jane.

I'd like to meet you.

But I can't rise above the truth of my situation like Monkey can, so it's a

little bit tricky.

And I'm kind of stuck in here.

Be like in Beauty and the Beast when that cool beast turns into some kind of

douchebag. I always found that very disappointing, so I don't want to do

you.

If you look at me, you'll just see someone like... really insecure.

who has no faith that you're going to be okay.

Because I have no faith that I'll be okay.

I can't get out of my situation.

So I'm just living for these few days.

They've been worth it.

Wade was going to put somebody else in the suit because he said I liked it too

much.

I couldn't stand that idea, so I left wearing it that night.

Walked home that The night I found you

You look at monkey and I know you see something really steady

I Think that's what we both need so I'll keep the head

on

Welcome, everyone, to Sunlight Radio.

This is your host, as always, Roy Belvedere.

You haven't heard from me for a while, and I apologize for that.

I've been indisposed.

Today I'm bringing you a very special story that's dear to my heart and very

personal to me.

This is the story of a woman and a monkey and a dead man's watch.

What happened was I hung myself in a motel room from a ceiling fan.

And I was rescued by a giant monkey.

Monkey, if you hear this broadcast, it's me, Roy, your partner and your

friend.

And I'm still working on my mom to get you that watch.

She's a riddle of a woman, but she is pretty good at form.

I think she can help with your case.

And I hope that things are going well for you.

And we're unstoppable.

And I wish you all the best.

Thank you, Roy.

Thank you, Vashti.

It's nice to see you.

I'll come back.

You don't have to.

Take care of yourself.

What about the watch?

I got that watch back.

They were going to try to put one over on Roy.

Well, you can't put one over on Gail, I'll tell you that.

Okay, fun's over, fuckers. Let's go.

That was so much fun. Oh, thank you. No one died.

No sharks.

Time to get drunk.

Hey, monkey.

Roy!

Hi.

How are you?

I'm actually fine.

You're all put back together again.

I got a pontoon. You sure did.

You're out.

I'm out.

Do you want a ride?

More than anything in the world.

Look at this thing. Look at you.

You look so old.

Thank you. I've been working out. Come with me.

Oh, my God. Look at this monkey.

Ritzy. Hi.

Hi. Ready, Roy?

Ready, monkey.

I'm going to punch you. Get hard, Roy!

is is

We know. Okay.

Thank you.