Original subtitles

Hey, everybody.

Glad you could make it. Hey, Johnny.

Oh, come on, Brian. I'm married to your grandma now.

Surely there's something better you can call me. Here comes Nana.

How about the man who could live with anything?

Oh.

Welcome to our fabulous new 5 ,000 -square -foot mansion, three -and -a

baths, not counting the side of the garage where the dogs tinkle.

Wow, this is nice, Louise.

All right, everybody, take off your shoes.

Johnny doesn't like shoes in the house, and not because he's Asian. He's just a

neat freak, like most Asians.

Guilty as charged.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Oh, I forgot about the dogs.

Gee, I hope they're not in heat again.

Last time I was here, my ankles lost their virginity.

Excuse me while I check on dinner.

Wow, this is a beautiful rug.

This is an oriental rug.

I learned it's okay to say oriental when you're talking about a rug. The

orientals don't mind.

These cookies are great.

Oh, those are dog biscuits for my babies.

Ah, who am I kidding? They're delicious.

Please, dinner will be ready in five minutes.

Thank you, Johnny.

Over and out.

Louise, you don't need to yell into the intercom.

I'm not yelling.

10 -4.

I'll be right back. I want to make sure Johnny heard me.

It's a Friday night. I have three parties to go to. Lauren, it won't kill

spend one Friday night with Grandma.

Yeah, well, Brian doesn't want to be here either.

This place smells like old people.

Oh, no, that's just because your dad took off his shoes.

No, actually, Tina's right. As you age, your insides start decomposing long

before your outside, so what you're smelling is actually Nana slowly dying.

Which means... only a few more visits.

Because it makes me happy!

Hey! So I bought a copy of Seventeen Magazine.

Oh, what's the matter? They were out of hot flash?

Yes. They were also out of hot dogs, so I guess you were there before me.

Maybe you could help us, Bill. Linda and I are trying to come up with a theme

for Lauren's Sweet Sixteen.

How about a night in Vegas?

That's not a bad idea.

Great. I'll leave tomorrow.

This is important, Bill. Lauren's so into her own life, I barely see her

anymore, and I had so much fun with Mom planning my sweet 16. This is a perfect

chance for Lauren and I to do something together.

Well, don't throw her a surprise party like Mom threw me.

Mom didn't throw you a surprise party. Sure she did.

All my friends showed up, and she was drunk, wandering around in her

complaining that Dad never touches her anymore. Surprise!

Ah,

your sweet 16.

Remember what I got you?

I gave it to you after the party, behind the garage.

Kind of a big package, if you know what I mean.

Okay, we all know what you mean.

Oh, there's the soon -to -be sweet 16 birthday girl. I'm so excited. The big

day.

December. November. The 10th. 9th.

All I know is you were my second daughter. First.

Have you met Brian?

You'd better get your invitation list together. It's not that far off.

Yeah, um, I've kind of been thinking about that. You know, thanks and

everything, but I was thinking I don't really need a party, but thanks.

What's going on, Lauren? What girl doesn't want to party for her 16th

She's worried her party will be lame. Shut up. Lame? I throw great parties.

I was 18, I threw a party in the woods for 10 bucks.

I know. I got my $10 worth of men's stuff.

Are we invisible?

Look, no offense, Mom, but people have major sweet 16s these days. I mean, they

have DJs and they're catered and the whole thing.

Well, we could get a DJ and we could have it catered. We'll do it up.

Really? Sure.

It's your birthday.

You only go around once. We will go all out.

Oh, thank you so much, Mom. I can't wait to start planning this with you.

Did you hear that? I can't wait to start planning it with you.

so much fun.

Yeah, Judy, you sure you can afford this? Sure, yeah.

We'll figure it out a way. Bill, how much do we have saved in the BCF? Uh,

time I checked, 800 bucks.

Oh, good. We'll use it all, anything for our kids.

What's the BCF?

Brian's college fund.

DJ?

Caterer?

These are all the things we can't afford for Lauren's party.

Oh, why don't we make it a scavenger hunt, and the kids have to go out and

a DJ, a caterer, and a three -tiered cat?

Yo, it's Nana!

I'd be inside right now if I had a key!

I'd be dead now if I had a gun.

Oh, my God, you had a baby.

Babies, we have four.

mall walking, decided to bring the dogs by for a visit. Oh, Billy, I'm going to

need your help this weekend. I want to plant some tulip bulbs.

Can't Johnny do it? Why? Because he's Asian. He has to be a gardener.

No.

Maybe he could do some math for you on his abacus.

I'm sure Bill didn't mean it that way. Besides, an abacus is Chinese.

Johnny, don't be racist.

I guess I need to get somebody out back.

wouldn't have to have a drinky drinky, would you?

Long day.

I was pushing dogs around in a baby carriage all day. What do you think?

Humvee limo is $300 an hour.

Fully loaded.

No, I mean you for thinking I'd pay that much for a car.

Well, there's no way we're going to be able to give Lauren the party she wants.

Well, listen, if you guys are having trouble with money for Lauren's party, I

could contribute.

No, I couldn't ask you to do that.

Judy, Louise is my wife. You're my family. It'd be my pleasure to help pay

the party.

That is quite an offer. Are you sure? Judy, if Johnny wants to pay for

party and a jet ski for me, who are we to thank in his way?

Nobody said anything about jet ski. You sure? Because someone put it out there

and I liked it when I heard it.

Well, if you really want to, it's hard to say no thank you.

That makes me very happy.

Dad, sorry, you know, I just couldn't help overhearing that Johnny just

generously offered to help out one of your children, so I thought this would

a good time to remind you about the BCS. Oh, you're absolutely right. Johnny,

I'm taking you to lunch.

Mom, what do you think about this dress for me?

God, that's just the kind of slutty thing Paris Hilton would wear.

Really? And I have the perfect shoes. They're so trashy, they're an inch away

from being hooker shoes.

The ones that you wore to parent -teacher nights? Yeah.

They're in my closet. Go try them on. Oh, my God. You're the best.

Yo, it's Nana.

Come on in. Hey.

Hi, Judy.

I just came by to drop off the check for Lauren's party.

You have no idea what this means to us. Be sure to thank Johnny, please. Of

course. Oh, look at that. awful dress.

That's the dress that Lauren and I just picked out for her to wear.

Oh, seems a little skanky.

No, it's quite fashionable.

Far skank.

We both like it.

There's got to be something better in there somewhere.

Awful.

Louise, we subscribe to Whore Weekly.

Okay, what is the theme of your party?

Excuse me, Louise, I didn't realize you were going to weigh in on that. Well, it

is Johnny's money, and I am Johnny's wife.

And I am Lauren's mom, so all I'm asking is that you let me take the lead on

this one.

Of course.

Oh, hey, Lauren.

Which would you rather have?

A lazy, theme -free snore or a slamming hip -hop ball in a loft overlooking the

city. A hip -hop ball? Done. What? No, not done. Everyone can dress in white

like at Diddy's Hamptons party.

And we can play Jay -Z.

He's been riding high ever since he called an end to his feud with Nas on

97.

How do you know this stuff?

Oh, I stay current, dear.

I love that idea, Nana.

Oh, and I clipped some articles out of Source and Vibe that I think might give

us some ideas.

Oh, I don't know, Louise. I think it sounds a little out there.

But, Mom, nobody in my class has ever done anything like this. This could be

amazing. Great. Well, then let's go in the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee

and start making the plans. Judy, you're welcome to join us. Just try to think

outside the box.

I'll be thinking outside of the box.

A view inside the box running out of air.

So when your guests enter, they will walk through crystal -beaded curtains,

then a photographer with a digital camera will take their picture, which

projected on a wall next to the dance floor. That is so dope.

Lauren, that might be a bad idea, but that dope is your grandma.

Judy, dope is good.

I know that, but we're not having any at the park.

I'm almost done planning tulip bulbs.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Shoes! Lauren, why don't we go upstairs and download some invitation designs,

and while we're there, we can check on the dogs. They're napping in the

Oh, Judy, do you want to come?

No, I don't.

I hope you take this in the way in which it's intended.

Don't do that.

Bill?

I hope you take this in the way that it's intended. I'm going to kill your

mother.

I'm already dirty, so if you need me to dig a hole, tell me now.

She is stealing the whole party.

It was supposed to be Lauren and my thing. Now it's Lauren and hers.

Judy, they are paying for it. Why can't you be richer?

I'm sick and tired of earning my daughter's love. I want to buy it.

Money! Here, money!

Have you seen money? I can't find them anywhere.

No, I don't... think so. Billy, when you came in from the yard, you didn't let

him out the back door, did you? I don't think so, but I'll go check.

Bill, choose.

Oh, there's mud on it.

I just got to find him. Mighty, here, baby.

Oh, there you are.

Hey.

Oh, God.

If I can't find that dog, I'm going to be useless.

But you'll still be able to help us. my party, right? Oh, honey, I can't even

think about that right now. I can't do anything until I find my baby. I just

hope he didn't get out of the house.

Miney!

I'll go help Bill look in the yard.

Miney! Here, Miney, Miney! I can't believe it. What's wrong?

Well, they returned my application from Chicago University.

The check bounced. I can't believe my own mom wrote me a bad check.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

Where am I going to get $100?

Worse than writing your son a bad check?

Oh, all of a sudden you're better than the phone company?

I don't know what came over me, but I just did something crazy to get Louise

of my hair. Relax. I'm sure what you did wasn't that bad.

Okay, did your purse just grow a face?

Maybe.

Is this one of Louise's babies?

I stole them. I had to.

Louise was taking over the whole party. She was ruining my mother -daughter

bonding experience. She took my baby.

So I took hers.

Hurry up, Billy. We need to fan out over the whole city. God, they're here. Hide

them. Where?

I don't know. Just do it.

Oh, Judy.

Miney is nowhere to be found. Johnny's checking all the shelters, and Billy and

I are going to comb the city. I can't concentrate on anything until Miney's

back. Guess we're just going to have to put my sweet 15 party on hold.

Don't worry, honey.

I'm here for you.

We will get it done together.

Really? Oh, thanks, Mom. Thank you for saving my party.

We need to come together in these times of crisis.

I'd be more upset about that ten pounds you gained.

Oh, come on, Billy, let's go. It's the first three hours when they go missing

that are the most important. I learned that from Without a Trace.

My new favorite show.

I cannot believe you bought me that necklace.

I had to. You just look so cute in diamond.

Well, I'm going down to the L station to breakdance for tips so I can go to

college.

Here's a tip, honey.

You'll make more money if you smile.

Hey, Brian, where are you going?

Probably a state school.

Where you been?

Driving around with my mom, looking for that damn dog.

How'd it go?

Wait, not one word, a thousand.

Miney, Miney, Miney.

Yoo -hoo, it's Nana.

Come on in.

How you doing, Louise?

I don't know, Judy, how would you feel if one of your children was Missy?

Which one?

Don't worry, Miney will show up. I'm sure of it.

How about I make you a cup of tea?

Oh, thank you, dear. That would be nice.

Billy, could you get me a lozenge?

I feel like I'm losing my voice.

We don't have any.

What are you doing here? You said you'd keep mine until after the party. Yeah,

I'm done. Okay? Every party has a pooper and mine's this little crap machine.

Louise and Bill are in the other room.

Judy? Hi.

My mother was wondering if you could put some honey in her tea.

What's in the laundry basket?

Muggles, the fabric softener spokesman.

Is that my mother's dog?

She was ruining Lorne's party. Don't worry, she'll get the dog back as soon

it's over. Everything will be fine. No, no, we're going to do that right now.

Fine, Bill, give the dog back. Be the hero. Then your mother will love you

more and I will hate you.

So your mother will be your best friend and your wife will be your worst enemy.

Is that how you want this to go down?

Why did I ever get married?

Or have a mother?

Hide miney before Louise sees him.

I can't. Why not? You can't.

I'm out.

I'll distract her. You get the dog.

Hey, Louise.

Where's my tea?

Oh, we're out. You people really need to go shopping.

Billy, wait. Louise, I want you to know something.

When you hurt, we all hurt.

You're hurting me.

And I'm hurting, too.

You know what, Louise? I'm noticing you have a lot of tension in your neck.

You know, you need to work on that.

Judy, I... Well, it does feel good. Maybe later you could do my feet.

We'll see.

Where's Billy?

We really need to get back out there.

Oh, I'm sure he's running around here somewhere.

If anyone's a hero, it's Judy.

Wait, you found him?

Didn't I tell you?

Wait a minute. What's going on?

Why is my knee at your place?

Did you take him?

Who's up for a foot massage?

You did.

How could you do that? How could you rip a mother's heart out?

Because you were taking over Lauren's sweet 16 party.

This was supposed to be an experience that we shared as mother and daughter,

you ruined it.

I did was wrong, but I didn't know what else to do. Oh, I feel like such an ass.

Mom, I can understand if you never wanted to speak to us again.

Don't be silly.

Judy, I'm sorry if I horned in on your time with Lauren.

I guess I just got so excited that one of my grandchildren wanted to spend time

with me.

At least your grandchildren love you.

I heard the mean things the kids said.

What?

Over the intercom at my new house.

You see, I always thought they didn't want to visit because my old place was

tiny. But then it broke my heart to realize it wasn't the place, it was me

my smelly, decomposing insides.

Louise, they're just kids. They don't even want to spend any time with us.

I had to throw Lauren a huge party that we couldn't afford just to get her to

spend the day with me.

Sometimes I think they don't deserve the attention we give them.

Well, you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even have the sweet 16 party. Maybe we

should just cancel the entire thing.

Oh, my little fairy princess.

You should ride in a carriage with white horses.

If that's okay with your mom.

Oh, it's okay with me.

If it's okay with Johnny's credit card.

Money fixes everything.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Cause you make me happy.