All language subtitles for On The Buses s07e11 The Allowance

Ah, target, mate. Oh, I can't wait for
that. Good.

Oh, oh, nice. Sure.

I'm not thinking that rubbish. Sure.
I've got more respect for me inside.

Aren't you going to drink that, then?
Not likely.

It's about time you sent that tea urn in
for a decoak. There's nothing wrong

with my urn. Yeah, well, in that case,
your horse is in need of medical

attention. Oh, very comical. For your
information, my urn is scoured out twice

week with washing soda.

Yeah, yeah. Well, in that case, do us a
favour. Next time, leave out the washing

soda before you put the tea in, will
you? I'm fed up with complaints about my

tea. If you don't like it, have the
coffee.

Your coffee's even worse.

Having another little tea break, are we?

Marvellous, isn't it? No, it's not
marvellous. Blackie, you want to do

about that rotten canteen tea?

Look, I've got more important things to
do than worry about rotten canteen tea.

Now, get the work out of it. No, we're
not due out yet.

Oh, yes, you are.

I've got a new trainee clippy for you
this morning. Oh, new clippy, eh? Yeah,

now control yourself now. A little dolly
bird, is she? It's all you can think

about, little dolly birds, isn't it? Oh,
no, no, no. Sometimes I think about big

dolly birds instead.

Depends how I'm feeling.

Sex maniacs you are. Yeah, that's right.
All right, come on, let's see that.

Where is she?

All right, where is she then? Come on,
let's have her.

Miss Crawford.

Harper and Wilmot.

Oh! Oh, my God.

A darling little bird, eh?

More like an old boiler.

So you found them at last, have you?
About time, too.

Right, which one of them's which?

Well, this is Harper.

That's the one.

Any complaints whatsoever, I want you to
let me know right away.

He'd be lucky.

Yes, so would you, darling.

And what are you waiting for?

Someone to fire a gun?

Think about it. You'll need a rule book,
won't you? Oh, I've already got one,

haven't I?

Have you?

Well, of course I have.

I've got my rule book, I've got my
uniform, I've got my union card, I've

ticket machine, I've got my medical
certificate.

So I stand around here much longer, I
get pneumonia and all.

Right. Now, which bus is it?

Over here, love. Thank you.

Have a nice journey, Albert. Oh, thank
you very much.

Don't thank me, mate. It's a pleasure.

Don't change it.

Oh, Holly, now I've been caught up with
you. Come on.

Let's go now.

Yeah.

Hey, Sid, can I do the journey back in
your cab?

What for? Ah, it's a blooming jetty,
mate. She never stops nattering.

I like me. Hey, listen, I'm going to nip
over for a quick eyes your father. Are

you coming? Yeah, well, at least she
can't follow me in there.

The trouble with you is you just don't
know how to handle her.

I don't want to handle her, mate.

I want a throttler. I could kill Blackie
putting on our bust.

Come on.

I mean, after all, Olive, one pea is one
pea. I mean, why should we?

Oh, I never play, Jessie.

Well, what do you do? Pick the lock with
your hairpin?

Who uses money from the fares?

Look, it's the principle of the thing,
Olive.

I mean, the men don't have to pay for
theirs. Why should we pay to use ours?

Oh, well, I think men are a bit
different to women.

Look, dear, a kettle is different from a
teapot, but they're both old water,

don't they?

Hello, love. Feeling better? No.

I think it's disgraceful. What is?

Us having to pay to use that thing. You
and Jack don't have to pay?

Well, what if we used that one, love?
It'd be fine.

That's typical, isn't it? They think
that rights for women is a joke.

Yeah, and I think it's all wrong. I
think many women should be exactly the

That's the story of her life.

You men make me sick. You never lift a
finger, Will, fat girl.

Well, if you girls want to change
yourselves with those railings, we won't

you. Come to think of it, we'll all...
Now, hang on, Jesse. Now, I reckon

got a point there, huh?

Eh? Well, I mean, one pea here, another
pea there, it all mounts up, doesn't it?

If I were you, I'd have a word with
Blakey about that, I said.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's his job to keep the
employees happy, isn't it? Yeah, and the

will back you up.

I think so.

Here, who's the shop steward? He is,
love.

Right!

You want an allowance for what?

You owe... No, you'd better leave this
to me, darling. Look, he's led a very

sheltered life. No, you see, the point
is, Blakey, that men and women are

different. Well, I know that, don't I?
No, no, no, what I mean is that men

have to pay to go, but women do. Will
you shut up and mind your own business?

It's no concern of your own. Oh, yes, it
is very much my concern.

Look, you are a bus conductor, not a
lavatory attendant.

More to pity.

Yeah, I also happen to be the shop
steward, didn't I?

It's not a union matter. Ah, but it
could be, unless something's done about

I've got all the lads behind me, haven't
I?

Of course you have, brother. Yeah, they
always stick up to their own.

Right, brother.

If you wish to take up this officially,
would a union? Oh, I get it.

He's put you up to this, hasn't he? Oh,
no, he hasn't. Yes, he has. He's always

trying to stir it up for me. You've got
a nasty, sordid mind.

There is nothing sordid about a girl
having to go to the loon. Keep your

down, don't you shut up. Look, he's all
embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed. I am not. Splashing
like a beetroot. And if you had any

manners at all, Harper, you'd know that
there are certain subjects we do not

discuss in mixed company.

Now, get your bus out.

Oh, well, I mean, of course, if you want
to strike on your hands... Destroy it.

We girls want a special allowance from
you.

Unless we get it, I'm going to call this
old depo out. Look, it's no good of

going on, miss. It's not up to me.
Right, so take it up with the general

manager. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you'd like
that, wouldn't you? You'd like to see me

in that office and make myself look a
fool, wouldn't you? Well, why not?

making a very good job of it, aren't
you?

So, I mean, if you want to see the old
depo paralysed... Oh, all right, then.

I'll go and have a word with him.

He won't like it.

For heaven's sake, Blake, come to the
point.

What exactly is the problem?

Well, I've been trying to explain it as
delicately as I can. You haven't

explained it at all yet.

All I've been able to gather so far is
that you were having trouble with one of

the clippies. It's that one. It's given
me a sort of an ultimatum, sir. You

what? Yeah.

Well, I suppose it is my responsibility,
really. What is?

Delicate matter, sir.

Blake, you haven't put her in the club,
have you? No.

How can you say a thing like that to me,
sir, after all the years of service

I've put in?

Well, you're not past it, are you?

No. Well, then, you haven't seen her,
have you?

Might save a lot of time if I did.

Oh, I hate that Harper. I hate him, I
hate him. Oh, so it's Harper and one of

the clippies, is it?

Not one of the clippies, sir. It's the
old bloomin' lot of them. Good God.

I know things got a bit hectic at the
busman's ball, but I've no idea he

it into an orgy.

You don't understand, sir. You see, you
see, the...

When the girls are out on the road, sir,
they... Carry on, Blake.

Well, they get taken... They have to
visit the little house, sir.

Good.

The girls have to pay, you see, sir, and
consequently... They want a public loo

allowance. I knew you wouldn't like the
idea, sir. I told you... No, no, no.

I quite agree.

I'll make the necessary authorisation.

You don't want to do that. You think of
all the paperwork.

You don't want that bother.

I won't have that bother, Blake.

It was your idea.

You get on with it.

Oh.

Well, love, it's no more than you
deserve.

It's about time you girls had a
complimentary what's -it.

Mum, it's a supplementary public
convenience allowance.

Well, that's what I said.

for the number of times you've been.

Ah, well, you're going to do very well
out of that.

Trouble is, when I came to write it
down, I couldn't remember how many times

gone. Oh, dear.

Took me the whole lunch hour. In the
end, I had to get me mate Sandra to help

me. Oh.

Well, you don't go together, do you?

No, she's better at adding up than I am.
Oh, that'll be the inspector.

Here, I'll tell you what. Next time, put
a little note in your diary.

Well, I'd have to get a bigger diary.

Oh.

This job will be the death of me.

Nobody blooming will care, is it?

Oh, now then, come along.

You'll feel very much better when you've
eaten it. Oh, I don't know, Mrs Butler.

I don't know if I feel like eating
anything. Oh, good, I'll have it then.

Well, now then, what's it all about?

I'll tell you what it's all about.

It's your daughter and the rest of the
girls at the depot who are trying to

bankrupt the company. That's what
they're doing here. Look at these, look.

Look at this, look.

I've got them all over the place. I've
slowed under with them.

What are they?

They're claims for allowances.

And if what your daughter's put down is
true, Mrs Butler, you want to have her

medically examined.

Here, look at this. I've got hers, look.
Yes.

Olive Butler, clippy first grade.

That's a laugh for a start, isn't it?

Number of visits to the public
convenience, 247 times.

247 times!

Well, it's true.

What, in one week? Do you realise that's
40 visits a day?

Oh, no.

Not in one week. I've put down all the
times I've been since I was a clippy.

It's not a backdated claim.

Oh, well, you should have said.

That's why I have so much trouble
remembering, Mum.

Look at this one here, look.

Sandra Lumley, that's her mate, loo
money, £2 .30, and a ruined pair of

ruining the execution of her duty.

Now, what does that mean?

Oh, Jack tried to goose her in the
canteen.

Oh!

We'd be paid every time he'd do that,
and the company would go bankrupt.

Here, and listen to this one.

Beryl Hopkins, for phoning her mother in
an emergency, £3.

What kind of emergency?

She got caught short without her
handbag.

does her mother live Australia?

No, she was on holiday in Majorca at the
time.

Yeah, that proves it, you see. They're
taking the company for a ride, Mrs

Butler. I'm going to go straight up and
tell the manager to cancel the old

thing. Oh, Mum.

You can't do that. It isn't fair.

No, ain't it?

No. Suppose you had to pay.

How would you feel?

Well, I wouldn't feel like going 40
times a day for a start, would I?

Well, how many times would you feel like
it?

None of your business.

Yes, it is.

Because from now on, every time you use
my toilet, you're going to pay for it.

I shall put one P for every time you go
on your bill and see how you like paying

for it.

Right. All right, then. Here you go.

Here's 100 Ps for a month in advance.

I'll tell you this. If I've got the pay
to go, Mrs Butler, you can have that

lavatory seat mended.

allowance. Now, you want me to cancel
it. What the hell's going on? You may

ask, sir. Do they want a public
convenience allowance or do they not?

taking liberties. That's what they're
doing, sir.

Diabolical liberties they're taking. Oh,
dear.

Spending all day in there, are they? No,
no, it's not that at all, sir. They're

falsifying the claims. That's what
they're doing. They're saying they've

when they haven't.

I tell you, it's diabolical what they're
doing, sir. I've had claims for over

200 visits.

All together?

No, that's from one girl.

Good God.

Oh, there's no end to the lies they're
telling here, sir. They're making claims

that taxis own...

Travel sickness pills.

Ruined tights.

I've even had a claim for four yards of
elastic.

Whatever for?

I don't know, sir. I've got no intention
of trying to find out.

Look, they're taking liberty, sir.
They're trying to ruin the scheme.

Cancel it. What, never strike on my
hands? That's your point, yeah.

Anyway, I'll give them my word.

But you have got to put a stop to these
false claims, Blake. How can I do that?

If a girl says she's been, how can I
prove she hasn't?

Short of having her X -rayed.

Check with her drivers.

Right.

tell the girls that their claims are not
valid unless they have been

countersigned by the drivers of their
buses.

The drivers won't like that, sir. It's
only a temporary measure.

As soon as we know how many times they
need to go, we'll give them some sort of

weekly rate.

Well, how are you going to work it out?

I'm not.

You are.

I want you to take a sort of... sample.

It's not my job to take samples.

Let the medical officer do it. I mean,
do a sort of spot check.

Follow the...

Find out how many bonafide visits the
average girl makes per day. Oh, no. It's

not going to be right off me feet, am I?
The fresh air will do you good.

It won't be all that fresh, will it?

I'm sure I'll put three times in. Go.

Blimey. That inspector's got a nerve.

Here. You girls seen this?

What? Look.

Supplementary convenience allowance.

In view of the false claims submitted by
employees, female in brackets, all...

future claims must be endorsed and
countersigned by drivers.

Mail in brackets.

Well, we are not standing for that, are
we? Oh, I should think not.

No, we're not.

What does it mean?

It means that every time you want to
have a tinkle, you're going to have to

up to the driver's cab and get his
permission in writing.

Charming. Well, suppose he says no?

You lose your deposit.

Well, I'm not going to ask my driver.
Nor am I.

Don't you worry, love. We're not going
to.

If that inspector wants to be awkward,
well, then so can we clippies. Now,

Sandra, how many public loos are there
on your bus route? About four or five.

Right. Now, from now on, we are going to
be stopping off at every one of them.

Oh, no. I couldn't, love. I'm not made
that way.

Could you, Olive?

Oh, well, I don't know if I could manage
all five.

I'll have a go.

Oh, love, you don't actually have to go.

Oh? Well, no, you just pop in, wait a
couple of minutes, and then pop out

It's a sort of dry run.

So every time we see a loo, we stop the
bus. Is that it?

Right. Now, pass the word round to the
girls. They've all got to use their

emergency stop signals.

Three tings a tinkle.

Three.

Thank you.

something about it.

I mean, how can we run the buses on time
and the girls keep stopping us?

All right, fellas, look, as soon as
Blakey turns up, I'll have a word with

all right? You'd better, we've had a
belly full of...

What do you mean, as soon as he turns
up, where is he? I don't know. He's

completely vanished. Well, he better
have vanished quick and tell those girls

where they get off.

Oh, we know that, don't we?

Everything's blooming public
convenience.

Blimey, what a place to have a sit in.
Do you know I had to make 15 emergency

stops on that Cemetery Gate run?

We were parked three times by funerals.
Sure.

Chances are he went as quick as by us.

Harriet, it's a matter you've been
looking for me.

Everybody's been looking for you,
Blackie. Where have you been? I've been

police station.

Huh?

I got arrested for being a peeping Tom.

Oh, you dirty old man, you. What are you
talking about, dirty old man? It wasn't

true. I was doing research.

Yeah, that's right, also.

When does your case come up, Blakey?

Station sergeant turned out to be a
friend of mine.

Let me off with a caution.

Nothing else, no apology, nothing at
all. This is all your fault, Harper.

No, don't talk to me, mate. Talk to
Jesse.

Yeah, and who put her on in the first
place? Who put her up to it? You did,

Harper. I'll have you. I think you've
already locked it, Inspector.

The manager wants to see you upstairs,
doing his nutty years.

Oh, good.

What would you like for a leave -in,
President Blackie? A pair of binoculars?

You needn't be so perky, twinkle -toes.

He wants to see you and all.

Oh, blimey.

We cannot possibly go on like this. The
buses are running late, and I've had

people ringing me up all day complaining
about it.

even had a complaint from a lady who
runs a public convenience.

Because her regular customers can't get
a look in.

Now, I've had quite enough of this
nonsense.

No, I've had more than enough. Yeah, so
have the drivers. Well, the Clippers

aren't exactly enjoying it, you know.
Get out of it, you're having the top of

your life. What, being spied on every
time we want to spend a penny? I wasn't

spying, I was doing research.

Don't give me that, you're a dirty old
man.

Will you be quiet?

We'll get nowhere by losing our tempers.

Now then.

When the inspector first told me about
the girl's problems, I authorised a

public convenience allowance.

Yes, I know.

So I blame myself, really.

Oh, don't lash yourself, sir. It wasn't
all your fault. I blame myself for

letting you organise it.

I should have known you'd got us into
trouble.

Now, as the public convenience allowance
is clearly unworkable, I suggest we

give each girl an automatic increment.

What's that, a portable one they take on
the bus?

It's a flat weekly rate.

And what we have got to decide is how
much.

That sounds very reasonable. You must be
joking. I'm not joking.

Be quiet and listen to the manager.

Let us look at it scientifically.

How many times does a girl need to go
when she's away from the depot?

Now, this is the chart of some of our
routes, with the adjacent

conveniences marked in red. Ah, well,
that one with the stations out of order

for a start.

Blockage. I'm not surprised.

Never been used so much since it was
opened.

Well, forget about that one.

Now, let us take an average route.

The War Memorial Run.

What is a reasonable number of times
that a girl can expect to go to the

on this route?

Well, that depends, doesn't it? On what?

Shies of a clippy, for a start, sir.
Take Olive Butler.

Must we? Couldn't we take Sandra and
see?

I am talking about a purely hypothetical
girl. Oh, are you?

Well, I am talking about the weather.
What's the weather got to do with it?

Well, the cold effect on people.

I mean, you're very exposed standing on
that bus platform.

Every time somebody opens the door, the
wind whistle's right round your ticket

machine.

That's right, brother.

Every time we have a cold snap, put in
for danger money.

The point is, sir, this hyper
-pathetical Clippy, how much tea she's

of her. They drink a lot of tea, them
Clippers, you know. Oh, I suppose you'd

like her to go to work on an empty
stomach. No, no, we'll allow her a cup

tea. Just one?

Oh, she'll want more than that. Not in
our canteen, she won't. All right, we'll

give her two cups. And if you had a
spark of decency in you, you'd give her

warm underwear and all.

Yeah, what about asking for a hot water
bottle?

She's got a long journey. head of us.
She's only going to the war memorial.

She's not setting off for the moon.

I wonder how them astronauts managed. I
mean, they couldn't live out for a quick

what's it, could they? Well, you know,
they had one fixed into their... Will

stick to the point?

We are talking about the clippies and
how much to give them.

50p a week.

Well, that's ridiculous.

That is ridiculous.

Now, let's try again.

This hypothetical...

Clippy sets off from the depot with two
cups of tea. She might want three. No,

she might want three.

Well,

you got that, Jessie, to thank for
getting you 50p a week more.

Yeah, and it's backdated to the
beginning of the year, so we get a

bonus as well.

Oh, how lovely.

Here you'll be able to buy yourself
something nice with that. Something you

really need.

Well, I really...

Oh, well, I've been a bit extravagant
meself today.

I got the toilet seat repaired.

Oh, the man came round this afternoon
and he put a bit of paint on the seat.

Well, it looks lovely.

What colour?

A pad of blue to match the curtain. Of
course, the seat isn't quite dry yet, so

we'll have to nip next door to Jack.

Have you seen this in the evening paper?

Oh, not bad news, I hope. Bad news? the
manager's going to do his class when he

sees this.

Listen, this will concern you,
Clothiers, listen to this.

At last night's council meeting, the
town clerk stated that as from next

all public conveniences, both male and
female, will be free of charge. Is that

all? I knew that already.

You what?

Yeah, I knew it last week. Woman in the
laundrette told me.

Why didn't you tell me then?

Because she told me in confidence.

I've had just about as much as I can
take.

I'm going to go upstairs to the
bathroom.

And don't you come hammering on the
door. I don't want to be left in peace.

Oh, I say, that's him upset.

I'm not going to stop up there long.

His chips will go all soggy.

Oh, I never told him.