Original subtitles

Hey, what's this?

Hey, Dan, look at this. What's this, then? Look, they're running a contest to

find a perfect driver, and they're going to shove his face on that poster there,

and they're going to use that poster to advertise bus travel.

They've got some hopes, eh? No, wait a minute. The best bit, mate, is that

whoever wins gets £100 prize money.

£100? Well, it's different, isn't it? Yeah, I reckon I'll go in for that.

why not?

Do what?

Well, you can take it again, mate.

Well, what's wrong? I mean, they're looking for a smart, good -looking

aren't they?

Oh, God.

Well, you're choppers.

They're looking for a champion busman, not champion of Wonder Horse.

No, in any case, it's for a driver, mate.

Oh! Well, in that case, I'll put my name down, then. You?

Yeah. What then? What?

You don't seem to understand. You haven't read it, have you?

Well, no. Oh, I can see now.

Look, this is only a part of a complete reorganisation of the old company, mate.

We're going to have a complete streamlining.

We're going to have less men working here and more efficient than the likes

you, mate.

Cracking in on bad timekeeping for a start, mate.

Well, my timekeeping's regular.

Say that again. You're 20 minutes late every morning.

Well, that's regular enough, isn't it?

You can laugh, mate.

You can forget about it. Listen, you listen to me. Look, I've got a clean

licence and I've never been caught for speeding.

You can say that again.

You drive so slowly, the passengers walk faster than you, mate.

Stan Butler, the abominable slow man.

No, you can forget about that, mate. You won't be going on the poster, Butler.

You'll be going, mate. You'll be sacked.

Sacked.

I'm sorry, mate.

I'm not sorry, really. I'm glad about it.

I've been waiting for this for years. What's the matter with me? Sorry.

Now, Blakey, just a minute.

Take no notice of old Dracula. He must have got out of his coffin the wrong

this morning. He said he's going to give me the sack. Look, if you win that

contest, he can't sack you.

Well, how does it work, then? Well, it's quite simple. Now, each garage elects a

representative. Now, all those representatives from the different

in front of a selection committee, and they pick the bloke whose face is going

to go on that poster. Now, the first thing we've got to do is to make sure

you're elected from this garage. Listen, I tell you something, mate. I'm more

worried about getting the bullet. Look, you don't want to worry about that. If

you win, you've got to be the company's pride and joy, haven't you? I mean,

they're stuck with you.

How do you mean?

Well, they can't sack their champion busman, can they?

I mean, you've got a job for life, mate. Yeah, but I've got to get elected

first, don't I? Ah, well, that's simple. Tell you what I'll do. I'll convene a

union meeting this evening. Yeah. We'll have a full and frank discussion, and

I'll tell the lads that they've got to vote for you.

Now, I'll tell you, mate, that 50 quid is as good as yours. Yeah.

Hang about, hang about.

What are you talking about, 50?

It says 100 on the board there. No, 50. I mean, you're going to share it with

your partner, aren't you? I believe it was 50.

All right, brothers, order, order, brothers, order, please.

All right, brothers, I have convened this union meeting this evening to

the election of our representative for the poster contest.

Butler's bust, isn't it?

Well, he should have been out 90 seconds ago.

Now, that's after all I've said to him about that late time keeping up.

I know, but he's in the canteen, isn't he?

Right, fellas, now we have got to decide who we're going to elect as our

representative. And I've decided it's going to be Stan Butler. Right, all

in favour, signify using manner.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10... Butler! 11.

Right, carried unanimously. Thank you, brothers. Meeting adjourned. Thank you

very much.

Now, what's going on in here? I'll just come in here... We just had a union

meeting to elect our representative, and it's Stan Butler for the poster

contest. Yeah, and you helped. You voted for him and all.

He's just got a lift in his arse.

It's unbelievable.

I'm telling you, the fellas had just elected me.

Well, you may have connived to get yourself elected this far, but that's as

as you'll get, mate. I'll tell you that.

Well, it's in the bag.

That's what you think, mate.

It just so happens I've got the photographs here of the other fellas

against from the other depots. Here, have a look at that. Look.

That's the fella you're up against here. Perkins of Rysburn Depot. See that?

He's a part -time male model.

Looks more like a part -time male.

You can scoff, mate. Here, have a look at that fella. Look.

He plays football for Melwood football team, that boy. Look, see that? Yeah.

And have a look at that fella there, look.

He plays for Burntwood, mate.

He's got more muscles than you've ever seen in your life. Muscles on his

muscles, that fella. Look at him.

They're non -starters, a lot of them. Stan's got this contest in the bag.

That's what you think, mate.

If he was the only one in the contest, he'd come second.

You'll get sacked, mate, sacked. I'll see you. Get your bus out or you'll be

sacked now.

I tell you, mate, with them pinup boys, I don't stand a chance. Don't worry

about it. We can make you look as good as them.

Yeah. Well, I mean, these days, nobody needs to look like you.

Don't worry about it, mate. Well, I'm going to get the bus out anyway.

You can get all sorts of things to improve your appearance.

Now, the first thing we've got to do is to take those bags out from under your

eyes and smooth out the wrinkles.

Oh, you're doing well, aren't you, with my face?

Now, look, you can get cosmetics and things. Now, I promise you, son, by the

time I finish grooming you, I might even fancy you myself.

Get over!

Come here, mate. I've, uh...

I've gone off the idea.

I don't fancy... Well, it's I don't fancy having me face made up like that.

Don't worry about it, mate. You're going to win that contest. Have your face up

on a poster. All the birds will be after you. We'll get 50 quid each. All right?

Look, I've got my bird, Sandra, to make out a list of the stuff you want. All

right? Come on in. Well, thank God it's a man serving.

Thank you, sir.

What do you make of time?

Five to six. Why? Oh, blimey, I must be slow. I promised Sandra I'd meet her at

half past five outside the Odeon. You'll have to look after yourself.

Here. I hope you get what you want. I hope you do, too.

You're wanted on the phone, Mr Peabody. Oh, right, Miss Figley.

Excuse me, sir. Just attended this gentleman, really?

Yes.

Oh. Oh.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'll have it back and come back another time. No need to do that, sir.

have all these.

Have you really?

Most rising queen.

What sort of skin is it for, sir?

Well, rather rough, really. A bit on the rough side, you know.

Is it for you?

No. No, it's not for me. No.

I can recommend this one, sir. It's very good.

Pretty Fingers. Pretty Fingers, yes.

And then for hair, we have full range called Beauty Locks. Beauty Locks, yes.

There's Beauty Locks hairspray. Beauty Locks setting lotion. Beauty Locks

shampoo. Beauty Locks shampoo.

And... Ah, Beauty Locks curlish, actually.

Oh, and for the face, sir, I would recommend Complexion Queen.

Oh, I like that.

Oh!

Complexion queen.

If that's for you, Butler, you need a bath?

Oh, sure. It's not for me. It's for my mum.

Yeah. It's her birthday.

Yeah. Well, she was up at the depot just now. She's looking for you. Well, I'll

see her when I get there, then.

How much is that thing?

Dad!

Stay here, love.

Here, I've been looking all over for you. What's up?

The boiler's gone again.

Oh, dear. Happy birthday, Mrs Butler.

I beg your pardon?

Many happy returns to the day, love.

Oh, it's not my birthday.

It's not my birthday for a couple of months.

Butler?

Yes? You told me just now that this complexion queen...

And these Goldilocks were for your mum's birthday.

Yeah, well, you see, I'm buying them now before the prices go up.

Oh, love you. Now I never use these sort of things. No, no, Mum.

It's just that, I know, but I can have a word with you on the quiet.

No, no, they're not for you, Mum.

Oh, are they for Olive?

No, no, they're not for Olive either.

Who are they for, then?

They're for me.

For you?

You're not turning funny, are you?

You're not going to go like your Uncle Herbert. We don't want another one of

them in the family.

I'll never forget that Christmas when he borrowed my knife. Yes, all right,

we've learned enough.

And you're welcome to do the borrowing.

It's for your mummy, is it?

That'll be £4 .95.

Thank you very much indeed. All right then.

Oh, Mr Blake, it's the writer. Got here this morning.

It's just under here, under the surgical counter.

Sir, all right, butler, come on, you've got your shopping, run over to your

mummy, go on, go on. Don't be late in the morning.

Take a look at it, sir.

Don't tell me, Blakey, I know.

It's for your mum.

It's a matter of fact it is for my mum.

Oh, yeah?

Give me time to drink it, won't you?

Sit down, mate. Come on, I've got to put this face pack on you. It's ridiculous,

mate. I don't need that muck on my face.

Have you had a good look at your face lately?

What's wrong with it? Well, nothing, considering the mileage it's done.

Tommy, I mean, it's like selling an old banger, isn't it? You've got to give it

a showroom finish first.

I still don't need that muck on. Look, if you win that contest, your face is on

that poster. It's going to be enlarged about a hundred times. A hundred times?

Yeah, come over here. Let's have a look at you by the light. Come here. Come on.

Old self.

Yeah.

Oh, blimey. What's wrong?

It's like looking at one of them photos of the moon.

Oh, blimey, it's not as bad as all that.

I still say I don't want all this curl a lot in me head and all that muck on me

face. I don't need it. Of course, he's quite right.

My stand doesn't need any of that sort of rubbish to win the contest. Mrs B is

going to be up against three blokes who are young and handsome.

And I'll tell you another thing you don't know.

Blake is going to give him the sack. Now, if he wins that contest, he never

be sacked. Oh.

Yeah, you'll be sure of his wages for life.

Well, come on, love. Sit down. Go on.

Here,

Ollie, put the curlers in.

Curlers? I thought I was going to have a few waves. I don't want it curly. No,

you brush it out afterwards, but it goes into soft waves.

I curl my hair every night.

Oh, do you?

Well, if it comes out like yours, it's a waste of time, isn't it? All right, I

think this stuff's ready now. Did you put that conditioning oil on your face

last night, like I told you? Of course. I put so much grease on my face, my head

kept slipping off the pillow.

Right, we've got to get that off for a start. Mr. B, you've got that towel.

What towel?

It's nice, honey, a wet towel. That's it. Relax, close your eyes.

Oh, that's lovely.

Lovely.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

What's he saying?

He's saying, ooh -ah, ooh -ooh -ah.

Oh. Look, don't worry about it, mate. What do you want to put it on the top of

that for?

Because it was too old.

It's getting cool now. Look, you'll be surprised how much muck that'll get out.

Oh, come off it. How do you know?

Well, you want to see my hands. They've never been so clean.

Now, that's how... Oh, blimey. What's the matter? It's full of lumps.

There. I'm not having that stuff on my face full of lumps. You get it out. Oh,

oh. Oh, fine. Oh, here we are.

That'll do it. Couple of minutes for that, it'll be smooth enough to go on a

baby's bottom. Dear love, I've just been reading what it said on this face pack.

This preparation contains hormones.

What's she saying, Olive?

She's talking about hormones.

Oh, yeah. What's hormones, Mum?

Oh, hormones, they can make bodily changes.

What sort of changes?

Well, you can go all feminine.

That's it. I'm not having that stuff. I'm not going to go off.

Don't worry.

Look, it's an old wives' tale. Oh, I don't know. I don't want my son to turn

into one of those men you read about in the Sunday papers.

They work in nightclubs and pretend to be women. They take hormones and they

develop. You know.

You can see it.

Don't talk stupid. There can't be enough hormones in one little pack to do that.

Well, I don't know. Stan's Uncle Herbert had trouble with his hormones.

Eh? Well, that's what the magistrate said.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it. I couldn't sell this stuff if it was

Well, anyway, I don't want to lose a son and gain another daughter.

Yeah.

She's right there. I don't mind being in the busman's competition, but I don't

want to go out with Miss World.

Look, it says on here, harmless unless swallowed, right?

Oh, all right. Okay, come on then. Let's see how it goes.

You'll do me great now. I've got it in me mouth.

What do you want to go and open your mouth for? It's all right. You've only

swallowed a bit. It can't do any harm. Yeah, get something to cover his eyes

with. Oh, don't do it with that. No, no, that's too hard, that damn thing.

All right, I'll find something else. Olive, hadn't you better put that

lotion on his head? Oh, yeah, I better put my rubber gloves on.

Rubber gloves?

Oh, yes, I must have rubber gloves on.

You were supposed to be giving me hairdo, not an operation.

Look, Dan, this setting lotion is very strong. I mustn't get any on me hands.

Oh, charming.

Don't know about my face, though, does it? Here, I'll have a look at this round

you. There you are. I've got the very thing, this icing bag.

Here, will that work?

Of course it will. Piece of cake, isn't it?

Here,

mind his eyes.

Mind my eyes. Mind my eyes. I've said that before.

Get something to protect his eyes. I know, I know, I know. What have you got?

I wonder if I ought to give you an undercoat of malty pain first.

Shut up. Get on with it.

Mind me mouth. Mind my mouth. Mr. B, stick that serviette ring in his mouth.

Yeah, I'll have to. Open your mouth. There we are. I'll shut him up.

That's it.

All we've got to do now is stick a few candles in your face. We'll all sing

happy birthday.

All right, all right. The judge is not 11 o 'clock, is he?

What's he say?

He wants to know how long it takes. Here, Olive, have a look at that. I

see. I've got my hands all covered. Oh, it's all murky. It says, keep on for at

least one hour. Oh, God.

I'll just spin a bit more around here.

Like a knife.

Yeah, it's lovely. We can't sleep at all now. Right, well, I'm going to nick

home and have a bit of breakfast then, and I'll be back in an hour to reveal

to the world in all your true beauty.

It's time to get you cleaned up. This

is me, Olive. Come on.

Come on, wake up, mate. Is it ready?

Yes, it should be done to a turn by now. Let's just take a bit out. There we go.

And I'll serve you. Right, come on in. I'll just wipe it off. That's your idea.

Hey. Oh, blimey. What's going on?

He's gone rock hard.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh, blimey, I can't get it off.

Here, blimey, it's all out.

Well, I dropped two, didn't I?

Was it supposed to go rock hard? Well, I don't know. Let's have a look here. Oh.

It says here, leave on.

Oh, blimey. For ten minutes.

Oh. You did it now.

Well, it was all mucky, and I probably couldn't see the naught. I'm ever so

sorry, Sherry. Sherry? Oh.

Now we've covered up his eyes and his mouth, but we forgot to cover up his

That's got caught on the ears, up me nose, see?

It's like two little hooks, isn't it? Yeah.

Tell you what we'll have to do, we'll have to crack it off. What a

Pull it, if you pull it, it'll come on it.

Oh, my curlers have been in too long. Get them off, get them off. I've got the

very thing, nutcrackers. Don't put my nose in there.

Oh, oh,

oh. Oh,

don't. I need to get a good swing at this.

Hold still, I don't want to hurt you.

Right, oh.

Oh, Stan!

Your face!

Oh, what's the matter with my face? It's all red!

Oh, what have you done to him?

Well, I don't rightly know, but I've got to admit, it is a bit red.

Let's have a look.

I've only got a few minutes till the judging.

You look great.

Look great?

I tell you something, mate, I feel a right idiot done up like this. Look,

worry about it. You look just as good as those other fellas in the photos.

I mean, they all look like pups and all. I mean,

look, it's only for a few minutes, isn't it? Then you can go back to being your

normal scruffy self.

Charming. Look, just one more thing.

Listen, I'm not having anything else done to my face.

No, it's not your face.

It's your feet.

I'm not having mud packs on me feet. No, don't talk. Come over here. Sit down.

Take your shoes off. What for?

I've got you these, mate.

What are they?

They're wedges. What do they do? Well, they're elevators. You know, like what

actors wear. Make them look taller.

Come on, give us your shoes. I mean, you're always saying that it's the sexy

blokes who get the birds. Yes, I'm always saying that. All right, slip them

and you'll see how sexy you're going to look. Right, there you go.

All right. That's it. Come on, stand up. Let's have a look here.

Oh, blimey, it's you, Gran. Oh, I thought we were new, Jack. Yeah, it's

Come on, walk about a bit. Yeah.

I'll finish you off for it on me face, like. Yeah, you probably will in a

minute. It just wants a bit of practice.

Now, oh, you look great. Oh, don't touch my face. It's red raw.

Thought about that, mate. That's why I've got you this suntan powder.

Right, slap some of that on your mug.

Right, got a mirror?

Oh, don't. Here, come on, use the bus mirror.

Come on, I'll roll over here.

They are.

Sit down.

Go on.

The things I stand for, I'm not joking. Go on. Oh! Oh, no, that's very good,

mate. That's having a very good effect. It's soothing anyway. Yeah.

Very good.

Good for you.

Oh.

Is that you?

Yeah, hello, Blakey. Yeah, of course it's me.

Oh, God, no.

You're supposed to be entering a competition for the perfect driver, not

prettiest clippy. Oh, shut up, will you?

Come on, get down on that step.

I'm not standing on the step.

Why are you standing on it?

Well, I've got these things in my shoes, these uplifts I'll show you, see.

Oh, God.

Don't stand here laughing your head off.

I'm not going to. I'm going to go inside and have hysterics.

Hurry up and powder your nose, will you? We're waiting for you, darling.

Hello, darling.

Oh, well, that does it. What would him like with his head off? Those two

me up, I'm the laughingstock of the depot. I'll tell you something, mate. If

think I'm going in there for the sake of 100 quid, like, done up like this,

you've got another thing coming. Listen, mate, you've got to go in there,

haven't you?

Yeah, I'll go in there and I'll win it, but I'll win it my way, not your way.

Thank you, McGregor.

And even if you are from my own depot, I must say that you put up a very

creditable performance.

Thank you, sir.

I don't agree with you, Chief Inspector.

We've seen a note from three of the four finalists, and quite frankly, I

wouldn't class any of them as being a typical bus driver. Not one of them seem

to be down -to -earth, conscientious, and have a safe driving record.

I see your point, Mr Lawrence.

Well then, Inspector, what about your chap? What's his name now?

Batler, sir.

Yes, sir. Well, now, is he the man we're looking for? Well, I think you'll find

him in my kitchen, sir.

You're late, but I'm terribly sorry about that, sir, but I had a bit of

with my bus at the cemetery gates. I had to get underneath and never look at it,

sir, and I must say the brakes were a bit dodgy, and you can't drive around

streets with the brakes a bit dodgy like that.

I've got my safer driving record to look after, and as Mr Blake has always

insisted, always insisted, the safety of the passengers who've come first, sir.

So I'm very, very sorry if I kept you up at all, and you'll have to forgive me

because I've got another bus to get out on time. Thank you very much. Sit down,

brother.

We haven't finished with you yet.

Oh, no more of I.

Right, gentlemen, if you'd step down here, please.

My colleagues and I have no hesitation in announcing the winner of the poster

contest. Stanley Butler.

Eh? We think your attitude towards your passengers is admirable.

Admirable. I must say that you train your men very well, Inspector.

You must be very proud of his responsible attitude.

Yes, he's responsible for a lot of things, I understand.

That's settled, then.

You're our man. And, of course, apart from appearing on our posters and

our brand -new bus, you also win a prize of £100.

Congratulations, Mr Butler. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Well done. Thank you,

sir. Congratulations. You're just the sort of image that we need.

I'm sure you'd like to congratulate our Mr Butler.

Would I?

Congratulations, partner.

Gentlemen.

Oh, feeling, Stan?

Congratulations,

Stan. Bitch.

My little Stan.

Worth coming to see the first one being put up.

Fancy me having a famous brother.

Why can't I tell all the girls they're in the supermarket?

Look!

Come on, get a move on. I'm getting a move on! Were you scared of me?

You stupid twit!

I'm sorry, Jack.

I'm sorry, Sarah.

Let's go.

I won't show.