All language subtitles for On The Buses s06e07 The Prize

Get down out of there, come on.

Get down, come on.

What happened again?

What happened again? Well, it won't be
late again.

Oh, so you were late for it. Well, no,
no.

Well, I know what you're waiting to see
us about. No, I didn't know about that.

No,

I wanted to do me a favour for it.

Now, look, I'm not looking after your
piranha fish again.

Goldfish? No, no. That's what you think.

Yeah, I care.

I want you to sell some raffle tickets
for it.

You cut me out of cab just for that? No,
it's me.

Butler! Well, I might overlook the fact
that you were late.

Now, what's this raffle all about there,
Blackie? Oh, well, it's about stray

cats and dogs, you see. We provide new
homes for stray cats and dogs. Never

about the stray cats and dogs. How about
homes for us? Yeah, I can think of a

new home for the seen old bus inspector.

Now, look here. Are you going to sell
these for me, or do I have to dock you

being late?

Look, why are you so interested in them?

Well, because I'm the local secretary of
this National League.

It's a nationwide society, this, you
know. We do a lot for the animals, don't

we? Oh, yeah.

Well, why are you so kind to animals and
so cruel to us?

Because animals have got a bit more
sense than you do, and they don't hold

back either.

Right then.

Now, look, there's marvellous prizes
here, look. We've got a marvellous first

prize, I'll tell you. Oh, yeah? What is
it? A year's supply of dog biscuits?

No. No, it's a night out with Lassie.

Oh, all right. It's a matter of back
into mini.

Oh, yeah? Well, I like this one, is it?

Here, just chalk and go with it.

Go and get it out of here.

A brand new thing.

As a matter of fact, I've got two of
them, Billy.

Yeah,

it'd be very useful to you, wouldn't it,
Butler? Yeah.

If you ever learn to drive properly.

What's the other prizes then, Blackie?

Well, they don't say, actually, but it
says that the money for the prizes have

been sent by animal lovers from all over
the country. Yeah, I'll bet. Sounds

like a right old fiddle to me.

It's not a fiddle!

As a matter of fact, a professional
organiser's been brought in to organise

Now, look, he's only three books, look.
He's been drawn this week. I don't know,

Blakey, I don't know. Here, come on.

Five peas a ticket, 50 peas a book. Go
on, go on.

Mind you, I wouldn't mind winning that
new mini.

Yes, yes, I wouldn't mind winning it
myself, actually. Yeah, me too.

If that's the case, there's a book for
you then, Jack. Ah, get out!

Oi,

oi, oi!

Take that out of your own pocket.

It's all for a book call.

You'll drive me to my grave, you will,
but... Well, up on we go to December

again.

Each finds at last its particular... Oh,
darling.

Well, I think we've heard enough of that
rubbish.

Say that again, mate. Go on, darling.

Oh, well, I think I'll go to bed.

You what?

It's only just gone nine.

Don't you fancy an early night, Arthur?

No, thanks very much.

Don't switch that on. It's a party
political broadcast. Oh, pardon me for

living. Here, mind your feet, you.

What's on the other side?

A party political broadcast.

Oh, what a coincidence.

That's not a coincidence. You see,
they're not satisfied with boring one

the population.

They'll have to bore the other half and
all.

Look at me, great hypocrite, sitting
there in this chapel rose suit,

for the homeless.

Here, talking about the homeless, I want
to appeal to you, Harper. Well, you

don't.

No, Blake, he's trying to get me to sell
these raffle tickets here.

Here, come on, come on, he'll sell them
out, mate.

There we are.

There you are.

For a worthy charity, mate.

Yeah, well, charity begins at home,
mate.

That's why I'm selling them at home.

Don't try and sell me one.

Well, give us a chance. I ain't asked
you yet, have I? What are they for?

Look, it says here, it's for the, uh, it
says there, there, at the top there,

National, uh, uh, straight up cats and
dogs home.

No, I'm five feet speech, come on. No.

National. Cat, that.

do with you?

Nothing. It's just Blake. He's the
honourable secretary, that's all.

Oh, come on, buy one, Arthur.

Help a stray cat.

Help one? I'm mad at one of you.

What's the prize?

First prize is a brand new minicar, Mum.
No good to me. I can't drive.

Well, I can drive. I can take you out
for Sunday afternoon runs, can't I? Oh,

yes, like last night. You were supposed
to pick me up in your cab, but now you

didn't. I was...

Mum, you've made your point. You've made
your point now. I know why you've been

stacking it on me all night. Mind your
feet, you and all this sort of thing.

harbour grudges. That's your trouble.
Mum, if you win the car, you can sell it

and have the money. And Blakey said
there's plenty of other good prizes.

Oh, I can't be bothered with that. I
couldn't afford to run a car.

I'm short of the housekeeping money
again, too, this week. Oh, I'm sorry I

you. Arthur.

No, thank you, mate. I'd never win
anything worth having. Oh, you won me,

Arthur. Need I say more?

All right, Stan.

I'll buy them. Oh, no, you won't. You're
not using my money for betting and

gaming. It is my money. I earn it. Don't
start another row. I've had enough with

Mum, haven't I?

Blimey, I'll buy them myself.

I've got no money on me. Here, lend us
half a quid.

I've got to pay Blakey tomorrow.

Just one moment. Just one moment. What?
You make sure you pay that back, mate.

It is payday tomorrow. You'll get it.
Oh, you'll remember. Don't worry about

Mum, now, come on. Don't sit and sulk.
I'll tell you what I'll do. Here, come

here. Here.

Tell you what I'll do. Here. I'll make
them out in your name. Well, it depends.

I'll tell you. I'll make them out in
your name. There you are. There, Mrs.

Butler.

There you are. And this, Mum. Here.

You can have them as a present, Colin.
No, you can't get round me like that. I

never win anything.

I always lose draws.

Do you really?

You should use tighter elastic.

That's it.

Oh, yeah, stewed beef for me, darling.

What are you going to have, Jack?

Here, darling, have you got any
dumplings?

Well, blimey, that was a ridiculous
question, wasn't it?

Well, while you're on this topic... Get
down, get down, Rover, get down.

Oh, God.

Yes, well, I'll still have a stewed
beef. Will the beef go?

The beef is always off, but I'll still
have it.

Now, it looks like you're going to have
fish and chips or cold pork pie.

What's a cold pork pie like? Oh, I don't
know. I haven't looked at it recently.

Oh, dear. Very funny. Right, we'll have
two fish and chips, then. Right.

Lovely.

Right, sir.

Let's get on it.

Here we are, sweetheart.

Get to it, Jack.

Thanks, sir. Right. Where are we going
to sit, then? Oh,

no. Oh, no. This is marvellous. We'll
have a sit with him now. Hi, Blakey.

Oh, no, you two have to come and sit
here.

Yep.

I don't know if you two morons realise
it, but an inspector's job is a very

taxing task.

Inspectors ought to be allowed to eat
alone.

I couldn't agree more there, Blakey, so
I suggest you go and sit somewhere else.

I'm all taken now.

Well, let me eat me pudding in peace,
will you?

Why, is it peace pudding?

You twit.

You got any more like that, have you?
Yeah, I've got hundreds of those.

Now, Blackie, whatever happened to that
stupid dog's own raffle of yours? Never

heard more about that, did we?

Yeah, I bought my mother a block of
those tickets for a present. When's she

going to get her new mini, eh? The
results of the draw have been announced

ago, haven't they? Oh, that's
marvellous. How are we supposed to know

God, darling.

Oh, I told you it was a right old
fiddle. Cheers, cheers. It's not a right

fiddle. A professional organiser was
brought in to organise it. Look, in the

unlikely event of you winning, mate,
your number would have been posted up on

the board, wouldn't it? What board?

The board over here, where they're
always... Why don't you open your bloody

eyes, old man?

I bet we had one.

Here,

here, I've got it, I've got it, I've
won!

I've won, no, no, no!

Look, 248071.

Ah, you're out, you're out. Oh, daddy
won, haven't you?

What you mean is your mum's won.

Ah, your mum won.

Blimey, listen to this.

Blunky won £150 ,000 on the pools.

Oh, how lovely.

What do you mean lovely? I think it's
disgusting.

I can't stand people who want something
for nothing.

Olive, get my slippers.

What do you give me?

What do I... Nothing.

Oh, I can't stand people who want
something for nothing.

I know. Give us a kiss.

You don't get my slippers, I'll give you
a flick here.

Like a Prince Charming.

Mum, mum, mum, mum.

Mum, I've got some marvellous news for
you. What is it?

I know.

You've got your bus out on time. No.

You know those raffle tickets for the
cats and dogs home I bought you?

Yes. Well, you've won.

Eh?

What? Do you mean to say she's got that
many? No, no. She ain't bought one of

the many, but she's won one of the other
prizes.

What was it, a stray dog?

Oh, shut it.

That wasn't... Mum, you have won a
fortnight's holiday in the Costa Brava.

Oh. Very nice of you, Mother -in -law.

Yeah. And it's for two.

Oh.

For two.

For two.

Oh, a holiday for two!

Yes.

Yes, Mother -in -law.

But who could I take with me?

I could wear my new bikini.

And I've never had my bottom pinched.

I don't know why Stanley is smiling.

With him out of favour, I must be first
choice.

I know she's got the hump with me, but I
can soon get round her.

I can't wait to get on the beach with
those birds.

It's for Mum.

It's for Mum.

The National Cats and Dogs Home.

Don't think too thick.

Anyway, I'll give it to Mum.

You're creeping around like a burglar.
Look what you've done. I didn't do that.

I've come down here to get Mum's
breakfast. Oh, no, you haven't. I've

got her tray ready.

Well, I was here first. No, you weren't,
mate. I've already made the tea and

toast. Well, I thought of it first.

Look, mate, clear up that mess and get
up to bed.

Listen, I've come down here to do Mum's
breakfast and that's that. Oh, yes.

Oh, I see. You're trying to butter her
up so she'll take you away on holiday,

aren't you? Oh, yes. And I suppose
you're doing this out of the goodness of

own heart, eh?

Well, at least I wouldn't leave my
mother in the pouring rain while I was

pub swigging beer down. No, you might
just as well go upstairs to bed. I'm not

going up to bed.

Oh, no, I'm going to do it.

Now,

Galloping Gourmet.

Well, what was it you were going to do?

I was going to get Mum two lightly
boiled eggs. Oh, yes, well, you just go

ahead. You just go ahead.

Where are the eggs? You're sitting in
them.

Have you got any more?

No, we haven't. You've broken them all.
You're way too mummy, is this.

What are we going to give her, then?

Oh, it should just have to do with tea
and toast, which I have made. Oh, no,

No, no.

But you haven't got a cup and saucer.
I'll get the best cup and saucer out.

don't. A best cup and saucer. Yes, I
will. Yes, I will.

Get off. Get out. Give me that.

Now,

look what you made me do. Look. Well,
you should have interfered. Well, get

of it, then. I've got the cup and
saucer. That's all I know. You

Come here, come here.

Don't be so childish. I'm not being
childish.

She's my mum.

Well, she's my mother -in -law. That
means I've got the law on my side.

You're not taking it up on your own.

I'll tell you what.

What? We're taking it up together.

Oh, no, we won't. No, no, no, no, we
won't.

You, you, you can't, you can't.

You get out of here.

I'll chuck you behind the door. Yes,
yes.

You've never done this before.

Ah, now I've got you. Now I've got you.

Right, right, right.

Ah! Please!

Please! Oh, no, no!

You've never ever done this before, have
you?

Never. Never in your life have you done
it.

Open the door.

Ah!

Then you caught me, see? You think I'm
letting you go in this train? You've got

another thing coming. Well, now you're
going to open it, then, mate.

My goodness, that's a nice surprise.

Well, not really, dear. Yeah, you seem
to go crazy.

Oh, never mind, loves. One of you,
please, draw the curtain. All right. You

to have your heads on.

I,

uh... Of course, Mum, I was going to
make you a couple of lightly boiled

but Arthur smashed them.

Of course, he doesn't realise the Costa
Brava's going up all the time. The Costa

what?

I said, cost a living, cost a living.
Who mentioned it cost a brother?

Did you hear that, mother -in -law? What
a Freudian slip.

Oh, by the way, Mum, a letter came for
you this morning from the National

Australia Cats and Dogs Home.

You kept that very quiet. It's nothing
to do with you anyway, is it?

It's most probably about the holiday,
Mum. Oh, I wonder what it is.

Well, you'll have to find out unless you
open it, are you?

Yes, I'm just supposed, it's just to
tell me that I've won. So I expect it's

details of that holiday.

No, no, they most probably want to know
who Mum's going to take with her.

Well, I think now, boys, as you've been
so nice, I'll now have my breakfast.

Yes, was it about the holiday, Mum? Just
a little information, dear.

Oh, Stan.

What, Mum?

You've forgotten the milk. Do you see
that? You've forgotten the milk. You've

forgotten the milk. You've forgotten the
milk. I'll get it. I'll get it. Don't

worry.

I'll get the milk.

I'll get the milk.

I'll get the milk.

I've got time. I'll get the milk.

I've got to go. I've got to go.

Come here.

There we are, boss.

Thanks for dropping me off.

Thanks.

Well, what was the information?

Just a few details, dears. Oh, Arthur.

You've forgotten the batter.

Never mind. I'll get it.

I'll get it.

You've got the milk, didn't you?

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

I'll take it. I'll take it.

I'll take it.

What was the information? The
information was that the... Oh, boys,

forgotten the marmalade.

I can't remember the last time he sent
you flowers. Oh, aren't they lovely?

Oh, look.

Here's some more.

Oh, look, Olive.

To my favourite mother -in -law from us.

and he's put a little kiss on the
bottom.

I don't get a kiss anywhere.

Aren't they lovely?

I would have got you flowers too, Mum,
but I was so busy helping you with the

shopping. Well, of course you were, my
little love. You did very well carrying

all them heavy things.

Here. I wonder how Arthur's getting on
with the laundry eggs.

Here we are, Mother -in -law.

Mind out the way, Olive. Mind out the
way.

My goodness, I'm going to get a name for
myself going around the streets with

things like this.

All ready for ironing? Yes, indeed, and
I am going to do it. Oh, well, well.

Now, you come down here. You come down
here and you sit down. Make yourself

comfortable. Put your feet up. I haven't
done anything all day.

And quite right, mother -in -law. Oh,
but what about the food? I must go and

that. I'll do the cooking.

Laundrette, it's not fair. You're doing
too much. I don't know why you're trying

so hard. Do you know the sun always
burns you anyway?

Well, flying won't do your operation any
good, will it?

I had told you not to mention my
operation. Now, now, children, quiet.

Here, has anyone seen Stan?

And the angels above.

You are too loud.

You're an old -fashioned mother of mine.

It's up and up, early mum and death.
Well, I thought I'd do a bit of

for you, you know.

Up over to all your bedrooms, you know.

You shouldn't do it, love. Not after
Andre's driving.

Ha! Andre's driving. All he does is sit
on his backside.

Don't talk like a twit. How can I drive
standing on my head then?

You might do a bit better, mate.

Oh, no, no. Give me that. Give me that.
No, no, no. Sit where you are. Put your

feet up, ma 'am. You've got to be nice
and rested so you can enjoy your nice

holiday. Holiday?

Yes. Trust you to bring that up, mate.

Oh. What do you mean by that, then?

I'll tell you what I mean. It seems very
surprising to me that you've become so

attached to your vacuum cleaner. And I
suppose you go round the Lord Rett every

day, eh? Ah,

now look what you're doing. You've burnt
your knickers.

Mum, you've burnt your knickers. Look,
look.

Well, I really do help Mum every day,
don't I, Mum? Of course you do, love.

Well, you all do in your different ways.

Now, who's going to peel...

Get off my foot. Get off my foot. I'm
not on your foot. I'm not on your foot.

You have done the housework, and it is
my turn to do the baton. I am going to

the... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What's all
that about, Mr. B? Oh, it's been the

same, love. It's like telling them about
winning the second prize in the raffle.

You know, two weeks on the Costa Brava
for two.

Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what. I'll
peel the spuds for you, if you like. Oh.

Yes. Oh, yes.

I heard that. Oh, I... I've heard that,
yes. So you'll peel the spuds, will you?

Why should Mum take you to the Costa
Brava, eh? It's just a joke, mate.

I know you're a joke, so yes, yes. Why
should you want to peel the spuds then,

eh? Well, what are you so eager to peel
the spuds for, eh? I mean, the last bit

of spud -fashing you did must have been
at Aldershot. Oh, yes.

Well, at least I did my national
service.

Not like some Skyvers I know, eh?

That's a bit below the belt.

I can't help it if I had flat feet.
Nothing to do with your flat feet, mate.

was that yellow street you got down the
middle of your back.

Arthur alone.

I don't want him. You can have him.
Don't talk to my wife like that. Oh,

changed. Nice to have a quiet family
evening with the loved ones, eh, Missy

Oh, shut up. I'm fed up with you. I'm
going to have a drink. Yeah, well,

what I came round to see you about.
Fancy a pint, then? Go on, love. Go and

a drink with him.

No, on second thoughts, Mum, I'll stay
here and finish the housework for you.

Yeah, all right then, Cinderella.

Here, how about you, Buttons?

Oh, no, that's very nice of you, Jack,
but I have to stay at home and peel the

potatoes.

Now, let's get this straight, Arthur.
Just because you're peeling the spuds

doesn't mean today Mum's going to take
me to the Costa Brava, right?

If anybody's going to the Costa Brava,
it should be me, because I bought the

tickets.

It was my money that bought the tickets,
so if anyone should go to the Costa

Brava, it should be me.

Don't talk wet. You had no money of your
own.

It was my money that I gave to you that
you gave to him that bought the ticket.

Therefore, I go to the Costa Brava. You
go to hell.

No. They can't go there. That's the
third prize.

It doesn't matter. It was my money. I
bought the tickets.

Ah, you have forgotten something, mate.
What?

You never paid me my ten bob back, did
you?

No.

Oh, well...

Soon fix that, can't I?

Soon remedy that, mate.

I don't want it. I don't want it. Take
it away. Take it away.

Don't you touch it. Don't you touch it.
Well, if no one else wants it, I'll have

it. Oh, there's the bill. I'll go and
see who it is. No, you won't.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'll get it. Yeah, look, Olive, get it.
She never gets it.

I've got it.

Hello. Hello, Blackie. What do you want?

Well, I don't want you, do I?

Coming to see your mother. It's about
the raffle. Oh, of course. Come in,

Blakey. Come in.

Mum! Mum!

Mum, Blakey's come to see you about the
raffle. Oh, come in, Mr Blake. Sit down.

No. No, you sit down, Mrs Butler.

I'm afraid I've got some bad news for
you. Yeah, he's got some wonderful bad

news for you. Eh?

Yes, I'm afraid the professional
organiser who was officially brought in

officially help to officiate...

He turned out to be a bit fishy.

Yes, apparently he helped himself so
much to the prize money that there was

money left for the prizes. And, of
course, as you know, that's illegal, so

afraid the thing's null and void. It
means it's all off. Oh, yes.

Well, I must say, I find that a bit off.

No, it's all off, sir.

Wait a minute. What about Mum's
fortnightly to Costa Brava?

Yeah, well, that's all off and on, I'm
afraid.

Yeah, I told you it was a fiddle, didn't
I? It wasn't a fiddle! Yes, it was.

Never mind.

Would you like a nice cup of tea? I'd
love a cup of tea. Oh, good. I'll go and

put the kettle on. Just, just, just one
moment, Mother -in -law.

You don't seem very upset.

Well, why should I be?

That was what was in the letter.

What did you tell us, then?

Well, why should I? You were all having
such a lovely time making a fuck with

me. I didn't want to spoil your
enjoyment.

Do you like a nice

cappuccino?