Original subtitles

That's us finished with the weekend, mate.

Come on, let's get home and get some lunch.

It's all right for you, mate.

I don't fancy going out with Mum without any housekeeping money. Oh, well,

that's all right, boy. I've got a dead cert tip for the 4 .30 rate at Newmarket

today. Right from the horse's mouth. You and your dead cert tips. What about the

ground racing last night?

Blimey, all the dogs we put our money on, they're still running.

Yeah, well, it was a bit of bad luck, I thought.

A bit of bad luck?

I'd done me wages in. Yeah, well, so did I. So what you're going to do is to put

some money on that horse at Newmarket.

What money?

We ain't got any money.

Well, borrow a fiver. Oh, don't be daft. The fellas are on the overtime band.

They've got nothing to lend.

Here, I'll tell you what. Borrow it off Basher. He's got a job as a part -time

bouncer down at the dance hall. Always lending money. Oh, Basher, mate.

You'll lend Stan a fiver at least, won't you? No. I'm sick of smashing blokes'

faces in trying to get me money back. Oh, go on, Basher. Do us a favour. Tell

you what. Stan will give it you back by Monday, won't you, Stan? Will I? Yeah,

of course he will. Yeah, of course I will. Yes, OK, Basher. Well, you're the

last one. Yeah. Well, I won't forget you.

You better not tear your arms off.

He will in all his old potty years.

So you've got nothing to worry about, just as long as you let him have his

back by Monday.

Monday? It's Saturday today.

I've got to give this in for the housekeeping money.

I've just remembered.

Aunt Maud's birthday tomorrow.

I'm as well apt to buy her a present.

Yeah, well, that's what you've got to do. Put that money on that horse at

Newmarket. That's going straight home, mate.

Oh, but she won't like it if he don't get his money back, you know.

What are we going to do? Oh, come and have a cup of tea. I'll think of

something, mate.

Oi, who are you two?

Look at all the letters we've been having about you two.

Oh, look at that. We're getting a fan mail now, Jack.

Fan mail? They're complaints.

The governor sent me out to give you a rocket about these. How do you cover all

that? Oh, I don't know. We must be slipping, Blackie. By the time we're

with them, they're not usually fit enough to complain.

Hey, look.

It's one here from a woman.

She had one foot on the platform, one foot on the pavement.

You close the doors and go away, look. Yeah, well, we thought you might want to

stretch your legs a bit.

Here, here's one here from a little old man.

He says he tried to get on with his dog and you touched him off, look.

Yeah, well, it's a rush hour.

But you let the dog on.

Oh, yeah, well, it's a very big dog, isn't it?

Anyway, I like dogs. I don't like little old men.

Because of blokes like you, the company keeps losing passengers every day. Do

you realise that? Yeah, they fall off every time he goes round the bend.

Losing the passengers means the company's losing money.

We're supposed to be running a public service. That means going out of your

to help the public, doesn't it? Blakey, we always go out of our way. Yeah, you

do. You're hardly ever on the proper route, are you?

What do you want us to do to help the public?

Well, how about lifting that overtime, Ben? That would help us start, wouldn't

it? Why should we help the public? What will they ever do for us?

We'll lift our overtime, Ben, when we get our pay rise.

Never do anything that nobody used to, would you? Look, we always do anything

help the public. No, not you, Butler.

Nothing for no one. That's your motto.

All right, then, Blakely, you tell us what you want us to do, we'll do it.

All right.

Before you knock off for the day, take that bus over there out on Test. Now,

sure, Andy, that would help me out.

Oh, oh, oh, I fell for that one, didn't I, Jack?

What a crafty move. Yeah, right, Governor's trick, that is. You're right,

yeah. We've got to keep our eyes on him, you know.

I ain't got time for a cup of tea now. I've got to push off home. Yeah, right,

yeah. Mr Blake, you're wanted on our phone again.

Oh, no. I'm all conflated.

Hello, Irish love.

Oh, what's the matter with you?

Don't ask.

All right, I wasn't.

Now, Danny, Jackie, what's the matter?

Well, me and my old mum was moving home today, and the man that was going to

pick up our furniture, he's let us down.

Ah, what a shame.

Can't you get anybody else? No, it's too late. We've got to go today. It's the

end of our week's notice.

Oh, Mac, come here. I think we can make ourselves a little bit of money here.

Honest, love, how much was he going to charge you then? Five pounds.

And how much stuff have you got?

Only a few bits and pieces.

Right. I'll tell you what. You give us the fiver. That's two and a half quid

each, mate. And Stan will do it for you, won't you, Stan? Yeah.

It's all right, love. We'll pick you up here at two o 'clock. Oh, thank you so

much, Stan.

Oh, you are lovely. Oh, yeah, well, I'm just a little dolly.

Hey, just about. Hang about. Now, what's her matter with you?

It's going to cost us a tenner to hire a van.

Who said a thing about hiring a van?

We'll use this bus. The one that Blakey wants us to take out on test for him.

Don't talk to us, mate.

If he catches me with that, I'll get the sack. Yeah, and if you don't give

Basher back his money by Monday, you'll get your neck broken.

Basher, mate, you killed anyone lately, have you?

No, I'm running out of punch bags.

All right, you made your point there.

Oh, Blakey, mate.

I've had a word with Jack here, and we're going to have a bit of grub, see?

we'll nip back afterwards and take this bus out on test for you.

Eh?

What? What?

I mean, you said you'd like us to help the public all we can.

You do realise there's nothing in it for you, don't you? Oh, that's all right,

Blackie. Stan and me's always the first to help our old mates when they're in

trouble. You know us. Yeah.

Yeah, you know us.

Yeah. I do know you.

Yeah. You're up to something, you two.

I'm going to keep my eye on you.

Oh, I wish Stan and Harry had one with the housekeeping money.

There'll be nothing left in the shops.

They'll all be sold out.

Hey, watch what you're doing over there. Those tiles aren't set properly yet.

Ah, I must say, you've made a very nice job of them, Arthur.

Oh, thank you.

I must say, if we'd left it to Stan, it'd have been a right old mess. At

know what I'm doing.

Oh, well, never mind. There's some tea in the pot, love.

Thank you.

Here, Mum, I've mixed the icing for Aunt Maud's birthday cake. What do I do now?

Now, all you have to do is press the cake down through the tin. It'll fly

and it's all ready for icing.

Oh, all right. I'll make you a bit of space. Yeah, I think we'd better. I

know how you work with all this, Lottie.

Here, here, where's the milk?

Milk. There's none left in it.

Well, there was a full pint there.

Has that gone already?

Here, did you move it, Olive?

Yeah, I put it in the cake.

What?

You're not supposed to put any milk in there.

enough, have you?

Well, he does look a bit underdone, do you? That was supposed, that was

to be a cake for Aunt Maud's birthday, not a heap of old black porridge.

What on earth meant behind that door?

Oh, sorry, have you finished your art? Oh, shut up. Oh, there you are, love,

here, we've got the housekeeping money, I want to get down to the shop. Well,

no, no, I didn't pick up my wages, Mum, I didn't have time. Eh?

Oh, don't worry, no, I borrowed a five at a time there, you know. Oh, all

well, that'll have to do.

We'll have to get some more tomorrow, love.

And don't forget, we're going down to Hartmoor tomorrow. Got to pay our fare.

Oh, I haven't forgot yet.

Jack's thought of something, I'm afraid.

Well, love, I'm off now. Ta -ra. Were you off just a minute? Where's my lunch?

Lunch? I didn't have no money, did I?

Oh, no, my love. I'll get you something when I'm out. Well, get a move on, Mum.

I've got to go back this afternoon.

Mind that door.

Right, where's the tartar?

Here we are.

Give all of that with that icing of the cake.

Mind the door.

Oh, come here, Olive.

I'll give you that.

God, blimey.

That don't want icing, that wants scaffolding.

Can you do anything with it, Stan?

Yeah, chuck it in the dustbin.

Oh, I'll have to try.

I was only joking, no.

No, it might be all right when we put the icing on it. That'll hold it

see? Where's the icing?

Oh, I'll put it somewhere.

Oh, hang on a minute. Right, one minute.

Oh, yeah, it is.

I'll clear the decks a bit, all right?

Yeah. All right, hope you don't, then. Right, shall we go, then?

Do you think the icing will hold it together?

Yeah, it should do. Don't cry. It's a bit thick, isn't it? Oh, blimey, like

cement is.

That's no good. Nah.

I'll tell you what we'll do. Leave the icing in the bowl and we'll spread the

cake over the ice.

You won't have an ice cake, you'll have a cake nice.

You might be a bit more helpful.

I'm doing my best, aren't I? But let's face it, darling, this is like trying to

ice a rice pudding, isn't it?

Hey, I'll tell you what we'll do. Come here, pull his skirt up.

That's it, right.

We'll put all this gore blowers like the Quatermas, isn't it, this here?

Here, we'll bring all this goo back in here.

You sure you made this and you didn't grow it?

Try it. Oh, dear, oh, Lord, look at the mess.

You mixed it with ink, didn't you?

Now, don't spoil it.

Spoil it?

All right, hold it there like that now, then. Now we put the icing on it, and

that... Let's have a look.

Look at that. Oh!

It looks going good, doesn't it? Yes.

See, you've got fun banging on it. Go over to the side there. That's it.

Hold it. Hold it.

See? A bit more on there. That's the idea.

That's it. Now, you hold it there until it sets, right?

Oh. Looks quite nice, doesn't it? Yeah. I wonder what it tastes like.

Oh, it's lovely.

Get out of it. Don't think of putting your finger in it just because you made

it. You don't have to leave your fingerprints on it, do you?

Well, I don't know if the icing needs a bit more sugar.

What? Icing? What's sugar?

I seem supposed to be all sugar.

And I'm not saying I've got any sugar in here at all.

Well, I made it just the way Mum told me to. Did you?

It does taste a bit funny, doesn't it?

Here.

These tiles won't stick. There's something wrong with the cement.

Just as I thought.

We've iced the cake with toilet cement.

Just one moment.

Just one moment.

What have I been trying to stick my toilet on with? Guess.

You stupid, great, fat, incompetent idiot.

I forgot my shopping list, love.

Finished the cake?

Oh, yeah, we finished that off all right.

That's your stomach rolling down, Neil? Yeah, well, how's the door put the

kettle on?

Ig, do you think Blakey's sure? Ah, no.

Even if he did, we'll be finished before he can find us again.

What are you two doing?

What's that?

Oh, that's a piano.

I can see that, can't I?

Do you know that's against the rules?

No, I don't know that one. If you like the one bit, I'll see if I can follow

you.

Stop it.

Nah, leave him. We'll always get another piano.

What's the big idea? What have you stopped here for?

Look, we've got a fiver off the old girl, right? That's two and a half quid

each, right? Well, you've still got two and a half quid to find.

Well, I know that, you idiot. What's that got to do with it? Sammy, your

troubles are over.

Oh, no, not that again.

Look, mate, I've got a dead set for the 4 .30. We've just got time to get going.

I've got you this time, Butler.

Oh, well.

Easy come, easy go.

Here, Jack, mate.

Next time you get a red -hot tip, do us a favour, will you?

Keep your trap shut.

Oh, the bus has gone.

What's Blakey going to say?

I know what you say, all right.

Butler, you're sacked.

I don't know.

Inspector Blake wants to see you in his office immediately.

Oh, blimey, Jack.

How are we going to tell him? Well, you'll just have to tell him you've lost

your bus.

God, will you murder me?

Yeah, I expect he will.

Father? Yeah, well, I'll just slip away then. No, you're in this with me, no.

Father, I've got the word with you.

Ain't you, Harper?

Oh, Blakey, about that furniture, you know you said that we should do all we

for the public.

Well, it was a misunderstanding.

It's all right, but, I mean, after all, you couldn't be expecting to understand

something a child of three could understand, could you?

Don't worry about the furniture, boy.

Yes, I'm all right, butler.

How's the bus?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, the bus is all right, yeah. Oh, thank God for that.

Oh, still, must check it, mustn't we?

Yes, I insist on checking it now. Where is it?

I don't seem to see anybody. No, no, I don't want to break it. Listen, I don't

know how to tell you this.

So, you've done something to it, haven't you?

Don't tell me, I knew it, I knew it.

You've damaged the seat cover or something, haven't you? Well, no, no.

costs about 50 quid, you know that, don't you?

Anything you've done to that bus, Butler, you've got to pay.

No, no, it's not exactly what I've done to the bus.

It's what I've done with the bus.

I'm not standing here while you give me lessons in English grammar. I just want

to check a bus, that's all. Oh, go on, tell him.

Go on.

Hey, it's a bus. It's a bus.

You're not going to believe this.

Try me, Butler.

Try him, Jack.

They were going to explain, but you see, we haven't exactly got the bus anymore.

I suppose the next thing you're going to tell me is you passed it at the side of

the road and you came back and found someone had driven it away.

Eh? Yes.

Hey, that's exactly what did happen, isn't it, Jack? And just a minute, how

you know?

Oh, it was the one who drove it away.

You might have said something. We thought somebody had come along and

it. Yeah, and as it turned out, we were dead right.

You do realise, Butler, that that bus is not a private car at your beck and

call? Nor, while we're on the subject, is it a furniture removal van?

It's a bus for the purposes of transporting the public.

Well, I know that, don't I?

Well, try using it for that one once in a while, will you?

Excuse me, Mr Blake.

I've had the superintendent from the old folks home on the phone again. It's

about their... Look, I've already told him. It's their fault he's been let

Them and their bloody overtime pay.

But what about the old people? How are they going to get to the seaside?

They'll have to walk, won't they?

More complaints, I suppose.

Oh, I do feel sorry for those old folk.

We could easily have let them have a coach.

I mean, it's not as if they don't pay.

Come on.

Sir, mate, I've got an idea.

Wait a minute. What do you mean? Shut up. We will let them have a coach

tomorrow. This one.

Are you out of your tiny mind?

What I've been through with you and him and that bus, and you expect me to come

here tomorrow morning and pinch that coat?

Not pinch it, just sort of borrow it for the day. Oh, no. Anyway, think of the

poor old folks. No, mate, no, I'm not having any. All right, if you won't

of the poor old folks, think of Basher.

Look, mate, there's 40 people that save 50 pence a head.

That's 20 quid. Cash in the hand, mate.

Yeah, well, I suppose you're all right, Jack. I mean, well, I mean, we should

think of the old folks, shouldn't we?

And Basher, of course, yeah.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. How about Blagie? Look, he won't be here tomorrow, will he? It's

his day off, isn't it? Oh, yes. Oh, it is, yeah. Well, come in here. Get the

coat out.

Who locked down the seats over the old folks?

Well, if you can't get one of the other inspectors to come in tomorrow, sir,

I'll be pleased to come in.

Well, it's Sunday. They don't like it, do they, sir, eh?

No, don't you worry, sir.

I shall be here all day tomorrow, sir.

Right then, Shorkey.

You're due out on the 14th in about ten minutes, right?

Now, don't hang about.

Don't get taken liberty just because it's a Sunday service, you know.

Jack, just a minute.

I've been thinking about it, too.

Listen, suppose if Blakey finds out? Oh, don't talk to us. How can he find out

if he's dead? Oh, funny.

Yeah. Come on, let's get cracking. Hang about. Can't go yet. Why not?

I'm waiting for the family, yeah. What for?

Well, you know, I can't. I've dropped them off at Aunt Morg's on the way, you

know. Oh, blimey, we can't stand about here all day. Somebody might cop us.

But you, blimey, you said it was going to be your... Jim. Who?

You've got Blakey on the brain, you have, mate. He's in bed snoring right

I tell you, it's Blakey. I saw his black mech go round the front of the coach.

All right, well, put your mind at rest, then.

Blakey?

Oi, Dracula?

Hey, I want to tell you. Imagine your things.

I know it's him. I know that tall streak anywhere. I tell you, it's him.

I saw him go round the back there. All right, then. You go down his side of the

coach. I'll go round that side, and we'll meet round the back. It's just a

minute, you tell me. What are we going to do if we see him? Run like hell.

Who? Who?

You idiot, you.

Did you see him? Oh, don't. Look, I've told you he's not there. Now, stop

worrying, will you?

Look, we're going to make a good thing out of this. I've got the 20 quid off

old folks. Here we are. Oh, yeah, good, yes, yes. So let's keep the money for

Mum and the fire, but save for our old bashers. That's right. Come on, let's

cracking. Here we are, love.

Where have you been?

We've been waiting for you. I've been walking as fast as I can.

Ollie. Shove that stuff on the coat. No, you can't do that. By the time the

others get on there with their luggage, it won't be room, no. You'll have to put

them in the boot at the back. All right, put him in somewhere.

Hey, hey.

It's a good job old Drackner ain't here, otherwise we'd be beaten with the eye

jump.

Hey!

That's just what you're all for, bugger, the eye jump, mate.

I told you he was here.

Yes, you have, mate. You both get the sack, but as you realise... They are

dishonest. Do you mean to tell me they were going to take that coach out

your permission?

That is correct, sir. It means instant dismissal, I'm pleased to say. Very well

deserved. I waited years for this battle.

Years!

I've got your cards already stamped up. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Stan wasn't pitching that coach.

He was hiring it for the day, wasn't he, Stan? Yeah, that's right, yes. How?

Yes, how?

It's on that board there. A bustle coach may be hired anywhere, anytime,

anyplace. Right. That's it, yeah. I was hiring the old coach to take the old

people out on their outing. That's it. Yeah, mind you, mind you, we've got

paper, see.

Is that the truth? Yeah. So you can't sack us now, can you?

Yeah. Just one moment. Do you mean to tell me you were going to take us to

Maud's via some old folks' outing?

Well, that's all right. Arthur, there's somebody older than you.

Thank you. But, uh...

I think that it's highly commendable of you to do that with the old folks. I

really do.

Oh, yeah, well, I like to do all I can to help the public, you know. No, no,

that was noble of you. Noble.

Oh, thanks very much. No, it'd be the old folks who live to thank you, Butler.

Them and the company, of course. Hey, just a minute. What are you doing? What

are you doing?

£30 a day for the hire of the coach. It says it on the board here, as your

friend Arthur points out. £30? No, I've only got £20 now. Oh, don't worry about

the other ten, Butler.

It's all right.

Oh, at least that's something, isn't it?

I'll stop it at your next week's waving.

Yay! Oh,

I'm sorry about that, mate.

Yeah, it's all right, mate. You did your best, didn't you?

Oh, my love.

We won't have to pay our fares, will we?

I'm not sure if I fancy going with an old man, sir. Anyway, hold it, hold it.

What now?

How many old people going on this outing, Arthur? Exactly 40.

Oh, what a pity.

This coach is only licensed for old 40.

Eh? Yes, that means there's three too many.

You know that, Hop. You know the rules.

It means that you butlers will have to go buy some other means of

transportation, Hop. Come on.

You can do me.

What? I'll just help another coach.