Original subtitles

Lovely day, love.

Oh!

Yeah, it's lovely.

Yeah, is there enough fried bread?

Yeah, 20, Mum. Oh, I wonder where all these are.

Where do you think? Blimey, that's not my stuff there, you know.

Get it up, you lazy specimen.

Shut up!

I don't think all it's up yet.

Oh!

Cheers now.

I don't know how you stand it. Week after week, day after day, shouting and

swearing at one another. I can't hear myself eat. I mean, think. No.

Just a little love. Ow!

I'll get you for that. Oh, no.

Anyway, I read in the Sunday papers where it said you can't tell the

between love and hate. They said that, didn't they? Well, I can tell the

difference. Will you get up and get dressed, you miserable son of a... Oh!

And that's hate.

I heard you're coming down.

Yeah, head first.

Right, who won that round, then? Oh, leave her alone.

Mind your own business. Mind my own business? This is my business. I'm sick

tired of it. I'm a nervous wreck, you know. We've had this year in, year out.

Why can't you two live like a normal married couple?

They do.

Well, thank God I'm not married, then.

Oh, here he comes.

Jackie Palo, without air.

What's morning about it?

What's got into you?

You, mate. You've got no consideration for any other people in this house.

What have you said to him now, Ollie?

Nothing. You must have said something you've upset poor Stanley.

It's not her, it's the both of you. It's the way you shout at one another.

What are you talking about? We haven't behaved any differently this morning.

That's exactly what I mean.

Look, mate, I thank you to keep your nose out of private conversations

myself and my wife. That's a lot of private.

Blimey, everybody down the street. can hear you.

Have you been eavesdropping?

Right. In future, Olive, will you shut up?

What about you, you big foghorn?

Seconds out.

When you talk to me, kindly shut your mouth.

You keep out of it. Look, Mum, I can't keep out of it unless I get out of it.

Well, get out of it, then.

Oh, charming.

I need a fine state of affairs when I've got to go to work to get a bit of peace

and quietness.

You upset horse madness.

You upset everyone you've ever met in your life. Don't talk with your mouth

full. Why don't you shut up?

What's this then? Eleven to eight o 'clock?

Yeah.

I couldn't eat my breakfast at home this morning.

Why not?

Still rucking, are they? Yeah.

Ah, well, as long as they're happy. Here, give them some.

It's like your morning tea.

No, it's mine, little bit.

Mum, are you a messy eater?

Don't you start.

Ah, careful, love. He's in a rotten mood this morning. Always is these days.

Oh, I'm sorry, love. It's just that only for an hour they were at it this

morning. God, the old house was shaking.

Oh, you'll make me blush.

LAUGHTER

While we're on the subject, come sit down here. Come on, you layabouts, come

And you two, come on, you're due out.

Butter?

Well... Can't you eat off a plate like a normal human

being?

It was an accident. An accident? You do realise, don't you, that that uniform is

valuable company property?

Valuable?

I don't want to tell you how old this is, but every time we go past the

gates, this uniform wants to get off.

Very funny.

Well, you'll have to get that dry cleaned, you know that, don't you? I

It's only the dirt holding it together.

It'll last a hundred years, your one, then, won't it? Oh, yeah.

Hey, uh, Altman?

Yeah? I shall want you tonight.

Oh, cheeky.

To do overtime.

Ah, sorry, Blackie, we've got a date tonight, haven't we, love? Oh, yeah.

What about you, then, Butler?

I ain't going out with you.

Don't.

I know what you mean. No, no, I'm just knocked out, mate. I've got a domestic

trouble, you know. Oh, not your brother -in -law and that half -dark sister

again, is it? Here, watch it. It's come to a point where I enjoy coming to work.

Oh, good.

Well, you can get out there and have a ball then, can't you? Come on.

How do you like that?

Oh, all right, all right.

Yes, then.

Do you know what Oliver and Arthur ought to do? They ought to go and see a

managed guidance counsellor.

Hey, what a marvellous idea.

Yeah, come on, darling. Hey, yeah.

Yeah, I'll take you out of here, Jack. It's a good idea, right?

Now, dee -dee -dee -dee.

Dee -dee -dee -dee.

Da -da -da -da -da -da -da.

Hello, love. Hi, Mum.

Oh, God!

Oh, they at it again.

Oh, no, love. That's still carried on from this morning.

Didn't offer to go to work.

No. Well.

You know what young lovers are.

Young lovers?

I can't say this anymore.

As a matter of fact, Jack's given me a marvellous idea. I'm going to tell him

about it. You can't cook, you can't sew, and you can't do anything a wife should

do. Well, there's one thing you've forgotten.

Oh, no, I haven't, but I am trying.

Shut up!

I think you two ought to go and see a marriage guidance counsellor.

What? What?

What? There is nothing wrong with our marriage. I am perfectly happy, thank

Well, you might be, but what about the rest of us?

I am not married to the rest of you. Well, Stan, now, Stan, you keep out of

Anyway, marriages are made in heaven.

This one wasn't. This was made in the back row of the stores in the gold mine.

Oh, yeah, they were showing love is the many splendid things.

Oh, no, they weren't. They were showing from here to eternity.

And they weren't joking. Here we are!

I still think you should go and see a marriage guidance counsellor.

I will thank you to keep your nose out of my marital affairs.

Excuse me.

Something's got to be done about it. Be reasonable.

Well, that's it. Something's got to be done.

Somebody's got to clear out.

Oh, Stan, where would you go?

I don't mean me.

Olive, if Arthur won't take you to see a marriage guidance counsellor, I will.

As a matter of fact, I've made up my mind. Get your hat and coat and we'll go

there now. Go on. No.

No.

Don't listen to them. Would you mind?

Please.

Please.

One at a time.

No. When she was a little girl. Mum, that's got nothing to do with it.

Please listen to me.

For a moment, Mrs.

Butler and...

in a man. Yes.

Yes, you see, I understand your concern, of course, but neither of you are

actually married to your sister and daughter, respectively.

Well, that'd be illegal, wouldn't it?

So far, I've heard three different points of views simultaneously.

But I've not heard the other side of the story, because your husband is not

here. Oh, that's really bad!

I'm sorry! I don't see why you're saying that!

I give you some advice.

Oh, yes. All you do is sit around the home all day doing nothing. No, she's

kidding.

You must make yourself more interesting and attractive to your husband.

Try to make him find you more exciting.

Only more exciting?

And you two must help.

Yes, you must make yourself more sensual. Cover yourself with cologne.

And at dinner, surprise him with your puddings.

He used to come here years ago.

It's Arthur, Mum. Matt, come on, quick. Let's get out of here. I'll turn the

lights out. Yes, yes.

Oh, my baby, you look lovely.

Oh, come on.

Hello, Arthur.

How are you, mate? Have a nice day.

Yes, thank you very much. Oh, good.

That's why I go and have my grub now.

No, no, no, it's in the parlour. We'll leave it in there for you. It's all

Matt. Hey, what's up?

Who's there?

Me.

What are you standing there with all the lights off for?

What's all the can... What's the matter? The bulb's gone or something?

I thought we could have a lovely evening.

What are you on about?

I thought it would be more romantic.

More romantic than what?

Are you just... Just one moment. Just a moment.

What do you think you're going as?

Come over here.

Where are you?

Yes,

Arthur?

Is that a new dress?

Oh, Arthur, you notice.

How much did it cost?

And what the hell have you done with your hair?

no wonder you turned the lights out.

Don't you fancy me? I defiantly made a fancy you dressed up like a dog's dinner

like that.

I'm now going off to the pub.

I shall return for my evening meal when you get out of that fancy dress.

Has he gone down to the pub to get the champagne?

Did he like your frock?

Didn't he fancy you a bit?

He said he'd defy any man to fancy me.

Well, that just goes to show you how wrong he can be, doesn't it, darling?

At least I know a lot of people who fancy you.

Who?

Well, I can't think of any.

Yeah, they do, they do. You don't have to kid me, Stan.

I'm not honest. And I'll tell you something else.

I'm going to prove it to you.

Have a set, love. I'll get it, Jack.

That's all right. I'll get it, mate. Don't worry.

Thanks very much.

If you find it's exactly right, darling.

Well?

Well, what? Well, you bought me dinner. What do you want me to do for you?

Well, Jack, actually, I... Look, mate, I want you to do me a favour. Ah, sure,

yes. You name it. Oh, God. Look, I... I want you to come round home and chat up

on him.

Here's your dinner back.

Look, I'm serious.

Yes, so am I.

I'll put you in the picture. You know you said that they should go and see a

marriage guidance counsellor? Yeah, well... Well, I went round there. It all

went up the spout, you know. He came in and said he didn't find her attractive.

She was in tears. And I thought it would be good if you, you know, came round

here, you know, talked to her and stopped her feeling so ugly. I'm a bus

conductor, not a plastic surgeon.

Now, listen, I am not going to go round here to be punched up by Arthur.

Well, that's all right. I can arrange for him not to be there. Oh, yeah,

marvellous, isn't it?

I'm there chatting up his wife behind his back. He walks in, I finish up at

Sunday papers.

Look, all I'm asking is a friend to go round here and talk to her. What, man to

man? Man to man.

Enjoy your supper, Arthur.

Who cooked it?

I did.

Not very much, I'm afraid.

I think I'll go down the pub and watch the taste out my mouth.

Sandy, you said you were coming?

Yes, I ran.

No, I'll tell you what, I'll join you later down there, mate. Right, Mark.

No, Tom, now, it's me bingo night.

I've got to do me washing up.

Ma, you are working far too hard.

You go straight to your bingo, leave the washing up for me.

Oh.

Don't tell me you're going to do it.

Oh, don't be stupid.

Olive. Oh, no, no, I can't do it. Mark, you go to your bingo. No, no, me and

Olive will do it. Me and Olive.

Thanks very much, Stan.

Ta -ra, lads. Hey, Jess, ta -ra, Mum.

Ah, come on, Dad. Hey, they're gone out. Leave that.

Let's go and watch the telly in the front room. Come on.

Oh,

I'm blown out. It was a lovely meal, eh?

Was it? Yeah, and I must say, you looked lovely tonight.

In what way?

Well, you cleaned your glasses, didn't you?

Sit down.

I'll switch on the telly. Come on, cheer up, darling.

Oh, I wonder who that can be this time of the night.

I can never believe it.

Hi.

You've got a visitor.

A visitor?

Hello, hello, hello.

Here, is Arthur out?

He's down in the pub, mate.

Jack,

do you excuse me? I want to pop upstairs, you know.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, then, Olive...

I've just come round to... Well, to... Well, come round.

Well, you often come round.

Oh, yeah, but tonight I come round specially to see you.

Yeah. Well, I just wanted to say you're looking a little lovelier each day, and

if you weren't a respectable married woman, I might even fancy you.

Oh, get out, you rotten pig!

You just came round to make fun of me. No, no, I didn't, honestly. I only came

round because Stan told me to.

I came round because Stan told me that Arthur would be out.

Oh, I really think you mean it. Yeah.

Up till now, I've always thought of you as a brother.

Yeah, well, I've always thought of you as one, too.

Oh, there you are.

Have you seen... Excuse me, Jack. Have you seen my wallet, love?

Oh, it's over there.

Are you sure?

I'm positive. Thank God for that. He didn't notice.

You selfish pig!

What happened? What happened? Arthur came in. We were holding hands on the

Oh, my God.

Oh, you don't have to worry. He wasn't bothered. He didn't care. He wasn't even

jealous.

Jealous?

Don't be mad. That's what we've got to do. That's what we've got to set up. Of

course it is, yes. Yes, here. What time does Arthur normally get home from work?

Better off by five. Right, right. Five o 'clock tomorrow evening, we've got to

get someone round here that Olive can get in a compromising situation, in

Arthur, gets all steamed up and really jealous. I like it, I like it. Okay.

There's only one snag.

Who's going to be idiot enough to be conduit to a situation like that so he

get thumped by Arthur?

No, don't worry about that.

I've got just the idiot for the job.

Yeah, well, that's about it.

So you'll go round and see Mrs. Butler about five o 'clock tomorrow.

Right, then.

Do I look all right, Dad?

Well, keep going.

Smells a bit musty in here, too, doesn't it?

Don't worry, yeah.

Where the hell's Jack got to? What's keeping him? My action stations, the

will be here any minute now. Are you sure this is going to work? Of course

going to work. Now, smarten yourself up.

I am smartened up.

Oh, sorry.

Right, we need a bit of music. Music, right. Hey, Jack, Jack, let us in on it.

Who have you conned to get to do the show? Oh, wait till you see him, mate.

You'll die, love.

Hey, one of the lads from the demo, is it? No, no, I'm not going to let you on.

No, go on, go on, go on.

I tell you what, he thinks he's coming round here to talk to your mum.

But mum's out.

Oh, darling, it's a trick, and it's part of the plan.

Mum's out.

Arthur's going to come back, find you on the sofa with the bloke, and you'll

have a nice, jealous husband.

Look, we'd better have a rehearsal.

We haven't got much time. Stan, you be the fella. Look, you sit down. Good

yeah. You listen to Jack. Now, tell him that you fancy the quiet intellectual

type. I fancy the quiet intellectual... Not me, him.

I fancy the quiet intellectual type.

Oh, God.

Can't you put a bit more sex in your voice and say, I fancy the quiet

intellectual type.

I fancy the quiet intellectual.

Go deeper, get it a bit deeper.

Oh, fancy. Keep it in the first row.

Here, what does intellectual mean?

It doesn't matter, it's a compliment.

Right, now, get sexy with him. Put your arm around him. Here, I don't want

nothing to happen.

Yeah, we don't want any funny guys on in this house, you know. Look, Uncle

Jack's taken care of all that. This bloke won't do anything. That's why I've

chosen him. Oh, right. Well, I must put some more lipstick on. It's in the

kitchen. I'll get it. Where is it? On the mantelpiece. I'll get it.

He's got a moustache, so say you like a man with a moustache.

I like a man with a moustache.

Now, ask him if it tickles when he kisses.

Does it tickle when you kiss? Oh, that's very good, darling.

Oh, it's lipstick.

Quick, get it off. Here, here. Quick, hurry up.

Oh, I'll smudge my lipstick. Oh, don't worry about that. Come on, take your

glasses off. But I can't see without them. Well, you'll just have to feel

way around.

Quick, get upstairs.

Here, I'll put your hand on the knob. There you go.

Hello. I like a man with a moustache.

What a marvellous idea, getting the window cleaner, mate.

He's not the one.

Hey, it doesn't matter, it's working all right. Come on, get out of it. But I

can't clean the windows. Well, you'll have to come back tomorrow. She's

entertaining. Dead right there, mate.

See you tomorrow then, darling. Come on, that's enough of that. Go on, get out

of it.

You really are blind without your glasses, aren't you? What did you say?

Well, thank God for that.

Is this him? What, another one? Not another one. This one right now. Good

darling, and remember to say exactly what I told you.

All right, all right.

Hello.

Hello, love.

How are you?

Yes, all right, all right. I know me way, love.

Yeah. Well, what's he doing here?

Do you like it?

Good. What?

God, don't tell me he's the one. Yeah, good laugh, isn't it? A good laugh, you

idiot. Oh, come here, Stan. Oh, thank God. Oh, shut up. God, they've been

chatting. Olive, don't worry.

He's afraid of women. He got rid of one of his goldfish when he found out it was

a girl.

And he'll get rid of us, too.

Don't worry.

What do you think he's going to do to me when Arthur thumps him?

Oh, don't worry about it, Stan.

Nobody else in it now.

Hiya.

Yes, but I'll come round to talk to your mum about the RSPCA.

You're a bit of a pun, don't you?

That's a night in Paris.

Oh, yeah.

Very appropriate.

But where is your mum, then, love? Oh, she's out.

But she was inviting me round for tea and toast.

Do you know, you're really very attractive.

Eh?

I go for the quiet, ineffectual man.

I'm not ineffectual, love, no. Oh, yes, you are. No, I'm not, no.

Oh, you are. It's a compliment.

Sit down.

No, I'll wait for your mum, if you don't mind, love. Sit down!

Oh, thanks very much.

Olive? Yes?

You've got lipstick on your nose.

Oh, never mind that.

Tell me, does it tickle when you kiss a man with a moustache?

I don't know. I've never kissed a man with a moustache.

It's Arthur!

What?

Arthur! What? Nothing.

Nothing, nothing. No, no, no.

No, you're kidding me. No, no, no. Don't go in there. Don't go in there. There

is something going on there.

What do you think you're doing?

I don't know. I only come round for tea and toast.

Tea and crumpet, more like.

Is something like that between me and Olive? You and Olive? What have you put

about me and Olive? That's what I'm trying to find out.

Right,

I would like an explanation.

Oh, Arthur, I think you're jealous.

Tonight, I shall be spending downstairs.

Out my way.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have listened to you last night.

I've been thinking it over today, and the only thing I can do is to leave

That's a just thing. You didn't listen to me last night. It's got nothing to do

with Olive or Blakey. It was just a misunderstanding.

But let's face it, you've got to own up to this, mate. It did let you see that

in your own peculiar way that, well, you do think quite a lot of Olive.

Come on, be honest.

Well,

I must confess that last night I thought I'd lost her.

I'll tell you what, Arthur. I'll tell you what I'll do, mate. I'll promise

to interfere again.

Right.

And I promise that in the future, I will make an effort to be a little nicer to

the old bag.

If ever I catch her with another man, I'll kill him.

That's fair, mate.

Here, let's have a couple of bottles of beer. We haven't done this for years,

mate.

My goodness, Stanley, it was a good job you held me back there. I'd have killed

him.

And as for you, if ever I catch you entertaining a strange man again, I'll

you.