Original subtitles

production number 0764 recording date 31171 take 1

They're late as usual, aren't they? No, you're fast, mate.

What?

What are you doing here, mate? This is Boxing Day, boy. You're not on till this

afternoon shift.

I know that. I'm just waiting here with my brother -in -law.

Oh? Yeah, we're waiting for the 10 .45. His mother and his sister are on it,

yeah. They're going to stay with us for the rest of the holiday.

Oh, very nice.

Nice?

Yes, it is not bad at all, yes.

Did you have a nice Christmas day?

Oh, very nice, yes. There wasn't a single bus on the road just this

yeah. It's a one -day -a -year -old and really relaxing.

Well, your buses are driven, that's the one day in the year the puppet can

relax. Well, there's no need to be offensive, you know. There's no need to

your temper. Oh, oh, oh, Dracula is a bad mood this morning, isn't he? If

excuse me, his stomach's a bit upset.

I'd have dropped too much to drink last night, to be truthful.

Well, you should know your capacity by now.

Two pints of blood's your limit. You shut up!

Yeah, hold on, here's your 10 .45, now go and get out of here.

Was Mother and Sister on the bus? Yes, of course. There they are.

That's it.

Hello, Mother and Sister. And how's my little Arthur getting on? Very well,

thank you. And Linda.

Hello, Arthur.

Hello. Do you remember Stan or his brother?

How do you do, Mrs... Oh, yes. I haven't seen you for years.

You still a bus driver?

Yes, that's right, yes.

Oh. Thought you'd been an inspector by now.

Yeah.

Human inspector?

I must say, you've got a sense of humour, madam, haven't you?

Yes, well, come on, mother.

The other bus, we have to catch over here. Come with me.

Oh, bother.

I've got a great big hole in me tights. Look.

Oh, Blakey, look at that, Blakey. Blakey, look.

I don't want to be like that when I've got all this bad.

Well, no.

Well, look, if you've done them on the bus, the company should pay for another

pair. Yeah, hang about, hang about.

What? How did we know that hole wasn't there when this girl got on the bus?

about, I remember when it happened. I did it with my ticket machine.

Your ticket machine?

What, down here? Yeah, it was when she dropped her change.

I begged down on me hands and knees to pick it up and I touched her with me

little handle.

I remember feeling it.

I know, Jack, I bet you did.

I suppose if one of our employees admits responsibility, the company will have

to pay for it. I'll let her fill in a blooming fault today. You know, it's

Boxing Day and all. Well, don't. But I might have known if your family was on

the bus, something like this would happen.

Oi, oi, come on.

Romeo, get out.

What's holding you up, Mother's waiting?

Nothing. I just snagged my tights, that's all.

Here, I like that conductor.

Is he a friend of yours?

Oh, Jack, he's my mate.

I tell you what, darling, he's one of the best. One of the best?

He's sex -mad, that man.

Not your type at all. Yeah, well, I've got to sign off now. Here, Stan, why

don't you bring Arthur's sister to the social tonight?

It's a sort of Boxing Day booze -up. Oh, yes, I'd like that. I think Mother

would like you to remain at home.

Come along, Linda.

Over here.

Bye.

She's not bad.

I think she's giving me the old come on.

I don't know.

What's the matter about that? That's Arthur's sister.

Listen, she's parenting for it.

Look, mate, she's been brought up like Arthur. Not until you're married and

only at Christmas time and bank holidays.

Well, that's the oldest, mate. Boxing day happens to be both.

There's plenty of my Christmas cake left over.

Yeah, we're not surprised. We're chasing it lunchtime.

Who's for another one, then? Oh,

go on, go on, Dudley, go on.

I will, love. I know you will, Mum.

How about you, Linda, darling? No, thanks, Sam.

I've just got time to finish unpacking for you, Mum. It's been a great

disappointment to me that your Olive can't have children.

Well, I'm sure it's nothing to do with my little Olive.

I think I ought to have a little word with her in private.

Oh, don't worry. I do know the facts of life.

Yeah, Mum told her yesterday.

Oh, stone.

My mother is not used to those coarse remarks.

God, blimey, Matt, I was only joking. Yes, well, don't. Oh, well, that's all

right. I must say, I find it very disappointing that there isn't another

Arthur on the way.

Thank God for that. We ain't got used to this one yet.

I'm sure we should all love to have another little Arthur.

But it might turn out to be another little Olive.

Yes, well, I don't see why we're discussing matters that are rather

me and Olive.

I mean, we don't want to rush into things anyway, do we? You always have to

consider the question of the population explosion.

Oh, there's always room for another little baby.

Blimey, not if they're like him.

It's strange.

your Olive doesn't have children and your Stanley isn't married.

Here, what are you suggesting?

Nothing. But there does seem to be something missing.

Oh, you're right, love. There is something missing.

But you're overlooking one fact. It wasn't me who had the operation. It was

Yes, that's right. Here, never mind, love. Don't bring it up. Never mind,

There's nothing wrong with me and Olive.

Nor with my Arthur.

He was...

healthy until he got married. Never had a thing. Didn't he?

Mind you, I think he got married much too soon.

What, Arthur? Yes.

He was just about to start studying for medicine.

Then he chucked up his whole career for love of your olive.

God, blimey, this is a joke. The winds are all over again.

I don't see there's any necessity to drinking the wrong thing.

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

No, love.

Oh, yes, we met on the bus. Oh, yes. Oh, hello.

It's our conductor.

Yes, I managed to get the money off the inspector for those kites you tore on

the bus. And luckily, I found a shop open. Oh, look, Mum.

Oh, and they're my size.

Here, how did you know my size?

Darling, when a bird gets on Jack's bus, he's worked out a vital statistic

before he's worked out her fare.

Tandy!

Really? Yeah, well, I've got to get off to work now. Look, you are coming to our

social tonight, aren't you? Oh, yes, please.

Yeah, well, I'll see you there, then.

I must finish unpacking. Yeah.

Well, I think I'll go out the front way. It's quicker.

Well, frankly, I don't think that the Butchman's Social is the sort of place

that is suitable for Linda.

Oh, why not?

After all, Arthur, it is Boxing Day.

Yeah, we know what these two's are like.

Full of drunken, uncouth louts making advances at women, whether they're

or single. Oh, that's not true. I've been there a couple of times and no

ever made a pass at me.

You should have told me before, darling. I'd have put the complaint before the

committee. Don't be funny.

It's ever so nice of you to ask me out.

Mum always watches me at home. I never have a good time.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't put that right. I'll show you how.

Oh, I know how.

Oh, well.

Well, time's getting on. I'd better have a wash and get to work.

Oh, by the way, I'll see you lot at the do then.

If this do is like what Arthur says it is, I don't think Highlander's going to

like it. She's been very well brought up and she certainly doesn't chase after

men.

Linda's going to enjoy it very much.

Oh, don't be stupid, mate.

She wouldn't associate with scruffy busmen, least of all your lecherous pal

Jack. You just don't know my little sister.

I've got news for you, Arthur. I don't think you know your little sister.

Thank you.

You're not on your own, are you? You've got a turkey leg in one hand and a

gherkin in the other. Now, shut up.

What's the matter with you? Come on. Well, I'm out of breathness.

Hear that shake?

Shook all me dinner down.

One more shake like that, I'll get rid of the stuffing.

Come on, have another go. Sit down, me old darling.

Hey, Frankie, Frankie, watch this, right? Oi, not me. I'm cutting in.

You all right?

Interval.

Never mind, my dear.

You'll find he never can get anywhere on time.

Another time died, don't worry. Thank you, thank you very much, Inspector.

I haven't enjoyed a dance so much since I went out with my late husband.

Hey, work your cards, mate. I think you've clicked there, you know.

Hey, partner, how do you fancy him as a new daddy?

You shut up!

Oh, well, some people can enjoy themselves.

I've got to go and see if the buses keep running, right? No, stand it, stand it.

Look, look, instead of making facetious remarks, mate, you might keep an eye on

my sister.

If Jack continues to maul her like that, I'll go and knock his block off.

Here,

break it up, you two, will you?

Big brother's got his eye on you, darling. Oh, Ian, me can get lost.

Anyway, I'll get you a round of drinks. What shall we have?

Well, I'll have half a bitter, mate. Half a bitter? How about you, darling?

having a lime. A lime, right. With a large vodka in it. Done.

I said you didn't drink.

Well, does he know what a woman does?

No. I don't think he's ever found out.

Anyway, I'll get them up. You all right? No, better not tell Arthur. No, of

course not. Look, mate, make it two rounds, will you, in case they run out.

pay for one. Yeah, all right. Come on, show us the colour of the money, son.

Come on, I've had it before, mate. All right?

Olive, will you go and sit by my sister?

Why? To protect her.

Jack's after her. Look.

Look at that. That disgusting, sexy look he's given her.

Don't you recognise it?

No.

No, perhaps not. Just go and sit over there.

What do I have to say to stop them getting sexy?

Absolutely nothing. Just sit there.

Is there room for me?

There should be, love. There's two seats.

Sit down, love.

You having a good time?

Oh, yeah, it's quite nice.

Oh, what's that green stuff you're drinking?

No, it's just lime, that's all, yeah.

Oh, it's nice, very refreshing.

Right, hey, come on, you're back. Oh, great.

There you are.

Lovely. Oh, hello, darling. I didn't know you were here. I didn't get you

love. Oh, I'll have one of those limes if it's going spare.

Those gherkins have made me ever so thirsty.

Oh, hang on a minute, just a minute.

It's all right, it's only lime.

What are you talking about?

Oh, yeah, it's only lime, yeah.

It's lovely, this lime, isn't it?

It's cold when you drink it, it makes you go all hot inside.

Ladies and gentlemen, inspectors and other layabouts, take your partners for

another dance.

I've got to get up and dance.

Oh, no, come on, lover boy.

Oh, blimey, she's had three large vodkas already. If she's had those on an empty

stomach, she'll pass out.

Don't worry, won't nothing happen to her. She's never got an empty stomach.

There's lots of things you don't do, but you can start trying.

Hello, Mrs. Roach. Hello, ma 'am. Hello, Mrs. Roach. Would you like another

drink, ma 'am? Have a dance with Mrs. Roach.

My son would like to have a dance with you.

I was just going to ask you, Mrs. Roach.

It's Victor.

Would you like to have a dance with me?

Oh, yes, sir. I'd be delighted.

When you leave off, you're making a public exhibition of yourself.

Oh, why won't you dance with me, Arthur?

Because the music stopped five minutes ago.

Now get off!

Enjoy yourself.

What has got into that sister of yours?

She's all hot and excited.

Well, if she's hot and excited, it ain't for you.

Oh, so I say you love me.

What have you been drinking?

She must have had more than a small pulp and lemon.

She can't have done. You've been buying them. Look,

when you sit down and stop making a scene... Oh, for love.

You promised to buy me a drink a bit earlier.

What about... Oh, yes.

A little later on, dear.

Oh, so that's what you want, is it? I can't.

She happens to be a very nice girl.

Well, if that's what you want, I've got...

Here is a glass of water. Drink that and cool down.

I don't want your glass of water.

You cool down.

You've never managed to warm up. You have gone too far.

God blimey, this is supposed to be the one down here where we enjoy ourselves.

I'm going to the ladies.

Do you think we ought to go after her?

Yeah, you better. She's going into the gents.

I suppose I'd better go with you. She's had enough shocks for one day. Come on.

Disgraceful, dear.

Disgraceful. I knew we shouldn't have come. You said we shouldn't. I told you,

Mother. Yes, well, I do hope Linda's all right, dear.

It's awfully crowded in here.

Yeah, isn't it?

Here, would you like to come out and see one of our butties? We'd be alone

there.

Sounds perfect.

Especially after all those bobcats.

Yeah, you have been knocking them back, haven't you?

Do you think I'll be all right? Yeah, don't worry, love. I'll soon squeeze

out of you.

Hey,

just one moment.

Where do you think you're going?

Jack's taking me out to show me his bus.

Show you his... Now,

look, mate.

I'm just about fed up with this drunken brawl. And if you so much as take my

sister out of this room, I'll smash your face in. I know what you're after.

Yeah, all right, mate. I mean, I can always find another bird, can't I? Keep

your hair on. Thanks. No, thanks, mate.

No, well, don't worry.

I'll stay here.

Yeah, very well, then.

Because those teeth are yours to make a very good target, mate.

Look, love, sorry, I can't take you out just now.

Oh, why not?

What d 'you have to say?

Oh, well, nothing.

The social committee want me to help out behind the bar.

Come on, let's have another drink, then.

No, not for me, mate. Look, Linda wants to see over one of our buddies.

Now, I've got to help her out behind the bar. Do you mind showing her around?

No, of course not. Come on, love, I'll show you around.

Here, stand, mate. What? You're laughing there. She's after it.

You've got to be out of your tiny mind, mate. Can't I?

Stop the sister.

Get out of here.

They look bigger in the garage.

Yeah, they do.

Yeah, this is the, what we call the WG model, this one. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I want some little steps, though. Well, you step on there, grab hold of

that handle, pull yourself up, and then you turn that little handle for the

destination, when you walk to the destination board, you see.

There we go.

Go on, then. Up you go. Up you go. That's it, darling.

Oh,

is that where you drive it?

Yeah, that's my cabin there, yeah.

Oh, push me up a bit. I want to see inside.

Yeah, all right. Right.

Oh!

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

It's ever so nice of you to show me everything like this.

Yes, I know how you feel.

If you'd like to press that little green button, you see, darling, it shuts the

doors. You watch.

OK. Right.

Ah, see that? Oh, isn't that super?

Yeah, it is, isn't it? Hey, Stan?

What? I want to turn that little handle. Go on, then. Go on.

Push me up a bit. All right.

Ooh. What?

Haven't you got a nice touch?

There. Yeah.

Stan. What?

Can we go inside the bus?

Yeah, if you want to, of course, yeah.

I'll leave it like that.

Then we won't be disturbed.

You're wicked, aren't you?

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

Oh, I'm snaggling you tight.

Again? You must have done that when you was leaning across the bonnet.

Oh, turn round. I'll have to take them off whilst you're laddered. Get out of

it.

You can't take them off here.

I'll have to take them off round the back of the bus if you fudge.

Oi,

you want to be careful.

A good driver should always know what's going on at the back of his bus.

Oh, here.

Here, do you think Olive's all right?

She's been in the loop for half an hour.

Well, that's not very long for her, is it?

As soon as she comes out of there, we're all going home.

And where's Linda?

Here.

Where's my sister?

I don't know, mate. Don't look at me. She must be with some other good

fella.

Arthur, I think you'd better go and see what she's up to, dear. I think you're

quite right, Mum. Excuse me, please.

Mrs. Rudge, as soon as you've finished your drink, if you'd like to come out in

the depot, I'll show you over one of our buses. Oh!

Thank you ever so much, Inspector. That's been most interesting.

Goodbye. Mum!

What do you want, darling?

Can you hang on to me tights? I haven't got my bag.

Oh, all right. Then I'll put them in my pocket for you, love. Yeah, yeah.

Can't you open the door?

What? Yeah.

When you're outside, you have to use the emergency button like this. Watch it.

Oh!

It's good, isn't it?

What's in there?

Oh, what, that seat, you mean? And the mop and the broom? Yeah, well, that's

because they've been cleaning the bus, you see.

Oh, it's a nice seat, isn't it? Oh, yeah, no rubbish.

Nice colours.

Oh, yes.

Well upholstered, yeah.

Yes. Better than the back seat of a Mini.

Yeah. Come on.

Come on. We'll keep coming to dinner.

Don't be dark. I mean, don't you want to see how the rest of the bus sort of,

you know, look upstairs?

Upstairs? Yeah.

I don't want to smoke.

I think you're nice. Yes, don't you? I think you're nicer than your mate.

I can't. Not with you.

I'm in the mood, aren't you?

Yeah, but listen.

Arthur smashed my face in. It's all right. I'm not like my brother Arthur,

know.

Here. I'm not like my sister Olive, either.

Here, wait a minute. What's the matter?

I just remembered.

This bus is private.

Here we are, Mrs. Wright.

This is one of our latest models, eh? The WG.

It's quite a brute under that bonnet, I tell you.

We press the emergency button without opening the doors, you see.

It's my daughter.

Oh, thank God for that. I thought it was one of our clippers for a minute.

I mean, we don't want staff troubles, do we?

how it's back.

You took him? I thought he didn't. I took him off because he got snagged.

It's when she leant over the bonnet.

Over the bonnet?

You're a sex maniac.

I always knew you weren't.

A fine pair your son and daughter are.

Here, don't you preach to me.

Your blooming son's now marvel. I told you we shouldn't have come here.

These busman's dues always end in orgies.

I haven't had an orgy.

Then you're not likely to get one now. Come on home.

Disgusting behaviour all night.

Come along, Linda. We're going straight back to do our petting. I thought you

were staying the week. Well, we're not.

We're leaving first thing in the morning.

Well, I wish I'd have known.

I wouldn't have changed the sheets.

I know this is Boxing Day, mate, but that does not entail you to go in

wrestling on one of our buses.

Oh, come off it, Blake.

Blimey, it was only a bit of fun. A bit of fun?

I wouldn't mind, but this bus is not supposed to be in service.

I don't trust you to come along and mess it up.

I mean, you could have waited another ten minutes.

Eh?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, God.

But, uh, I've no...

and arriving with your bus many a time now, mate, but this is the first time

I've ever known you not to even get the destination at all.

Oh, he's made my Christmas, isn't he?

Oh, marvellous, isn't it? Mate, he's made his Christmas. What a right sexy

Christmas I've had, eh?

The only thing I've got out of this Christmas is a tie and a pair of socks.

Oh, well, maybe Easter.