Original subtitles

On the bus is episode 13, production number 0912, recording date 9 -11 -71.

Take one.

What are you stopping here for? The bus is down there.

Blimey, we don't want to pick up all them passengers.

Look, the high street will be packed this morning.

Yeah, you're right. Some people have got nothing better to do than ride about on

buses all day long.

Look, the number 24 joins us here, doesn't he? All the way to the depot.

let him pick them up.

Don't be daft. He comes in behind us, doesn't he?

Yeah, well, not if we let him go in first, he won't, will he?

Look, he's due any minute. Come on.

How are we coasting now mate?

We've got time for a fag.

Well, I've got to admit, that's a good scheme you've got going there, Jack.

Yeah, well, it's better than working, isn't it?

Do you know what I was thinking?

What's that?

We ought to do this all the way around the route. Then we wouldn't have to pick

up any passengers at all.

Come on, get that thing off.

Hey,

mate, what a scheme, isn't it?

I've got to admit, you're a good netter, isn't it? Hey, you too.

Oh, blimey, Greta's on the warpath.

I wonder if he's tumbled.

I knew we shouldn't have stopped there so long. Nah, I'm not scared of him.

No, neither am I. Let's break it out, can't we? Yeah, right.

Look, Blackie, it's no good going off to the deep end. We was held up in the

high streets, so don't start. Yeah, don't you start, mate. I'll tell you

something. I'm up to ear with it. That's it.

Who started it? Yeah, well, don't, then. Don't. That's all we're saying. Don't

start.

Relax,

boy. We all have our bad days. Don't worry about it.

You all right, Blackie?

Yes, I'm all right, Butler. You all right?

Can I have a word with you a minute?

Hello, hello.

There's something funny here. Yeah. Come on, come on. What's wrong?

Well, you know we're short of an inspector here, don't you? Yeah.

Well, I've run off my feet. I can't cope. I might as well admit it.

One or two of the fellas here are beginning to take advantage of it. Oh,

What a shame.

Well,

the manager's asked me to make up one of the men into the rank of inspector.

You know the most works to take, don't you?

Will they, Jack? No, no, there's no creeps in this depot, Blakey. Look, none

the blokes will do it, and the shop steward, I'll make sure they don't.

a matter of fact, Harper, the manager suggested I promoted you.

No, but... No, no, no.

No, all right, shut up, Sam. No, uh... All right, Blakey, I'll think about it,

then. Yes, the manager thought you might think about it.

No, I'm telling you, waste of time. Come and have a word with me in the office,

will you? Yeah, right -o, Mr. Blake.

It's just Mr.

Blake bit.

Blimey, you're not going to take that job, are you? Now, listen, Stan.

Don't listen to me, mate. An inspector makes up the timesheets, doesn't he? I

can put you down for all the overtime you want and you won't have to work it.

You're great, mate. You're the greatest, son.

That's the type of overtime I like.

I could put a smashing clippy on with you and all.

Yeah. Hey, I'll tell you what I'll have. That new blonde bit. What's her name?

Christine. Yeah, what's wrong?

No, no, no, fine, mate. No, I'll put her on with you. Yeah, of course, she's a

cracker, mate. I'll have her, yeah.

Here she is. She's a smasher, mate. Oh, no, no.

Oh, hello, Jack. Hello, darling. Come to lunch, then.

Yeah. Christine, can I have a word with you, darling?

Of course you can, Stan.

Here, come and sit with us in the canteen.

I hope the lunch is nice. I'm starving.

Yeah.

Jack, come in, Talbot.

Oh, come in, Mr Blake.

Morning, Christine.

This is our first day out together, isn't it?

Love, do you fancy coming out with me one night?

You do?

Well, how about coming round my house to tea tomorrow night?

Oh, tea?

Yeah, yeah, tomorrow.

Yeah, I'll tell Mum then, eh? Yeah.

Actually, I can't wait for tomorrow night.

Oh, blimey, look. Here comes Ben and Bill.

All right, that's enough of that, Butler. Come on, get this bus out of

lake.

That was marvellous, Blakey, that was. I didn't see your lips move, mate.

You'd make a smashing act together. The ventriloquist act, you and Jack. Will

you shut up and get that bus out? Yeah, get that bus out.

Yeah, all right, Mr Harper.

Jack is an inspector. You're going to have to watch your step -mate, aren't

He knows all your old dodges, doesn't he?

Well, you ought to. He taught them to me.

Here's your food, love.

Oh, thanks, but that's not much for a working man, is it?

That's not yours. That's for all of us.

You what?

What, one tiny sausage and a little bit of fried bread?

I can't possibly live on that.

You'll have to. The price of food now, you're lucky to get that.

Yeah, Mum's right, I suppose. Come on, come on, Arthur. Arthur, come on, mate.

Let's see the wallet. Get the wallet out. What are you talking about, mate?

put enough money in this. What are you talking about? Blimey, the last time I

saw a quid off you, it had the Queen Victoria's head on it.

Shut up, I've got a pair of you. Go on, eat it while it's hot. I'll make you a

nice cup of cocoa. All right.

Where's it gone?

Blimey, she's hit the lot.

Oh, am I?

You great fat pig.

You make a vulture look like a sparrow.

Well, that's all there is. You'll have to wait till the end of it. That's all

there is in the larder.

Charming. We can't, Mum. God, I've got Christine coming round tomorrow night.

You know, the new clippy.

Well, you'll have to tell her to bring her own food, won't you?

You'll have to cancel it, love.

There's nothing left in the housekeeping till Friday.

I can't cancel it. I've told her she's coming.

Oh, all right, there you are.

There you are.

Take a quid. That's my last quid. Oh, it's all right.

I'll have to ask Jack for a bit of overtime, that's all.

Do you think he'll give it you?

Well, he said he would.

Mind you, he was a bit funny with me today.

Oh, well, love, it's his first day. Just trying to impress.

Yeah, you're right, yeah. Yeah, he said he'd give me a couple of hours overtime

any time I needed it, really, you know. And the best part is, he says that I

don't have to work it.

Oh, it'd be lovely to have a decent meal for once. I can fill myself right up.

Olive, I'm only doing a couple of hours overtime, not a couple of months.

Morning, Charlie, mate. Morning, mate.

Hey, Chalky. Yeah.

Have you seen Jack about?

Mr Harper?

He's in the office, mate. Oh, you've got it now, Mr Harper, eh?

As a matter of fact, I'm going to ask Mr Harper if he can give me a couple of

hours overtime.

Good luck to you, mate.

God blimey, Blagin, for a minute I thought you'd grown two heads.

What do you want, Butler?

I didn't come to see you, really, Blaggy. I came to see old Jack here.

Oh, sorry, I mean Mr Harper.

Yeah, well, now he's seen me, so I'll be.

Hey, Mr Harper, sir, I've come to see you about the overtime you promised.

You promised.

Butler. What?

You're getting a Twitter, son.

Your eyesight failing, is it, Butler? I think I'd better put him down to see an

eye specialist, Mr Blaggy.

Oh, blimey, mate, you mean it. Well?

Well, I tell you what, it'll be you that wants to see the eye specialist in a

minute, mate. Now, watch it, Butler. Look, I've come in here to get a couple

hours overtime, you promised me. Eh?

Overtime? Yeah.

Butler, if there was any overtime, which there isn't, and he was to give it to

you, which he won't, I will still have to agree to it, which I shan't.

Now, get out.

Blakey! Never mind the Blakey, get out. Look at the style of him, look.

Yeah, smart yourself up, Butler. You're the scruffiest busman in the old depot.

Well, I must be, since I've made you up to Inspector.

Yeah!

Well, I'm going.

I must say, er...

I thought you handled Butler very well yesterday, Jack. Oh, yeah, well, if

got to be an inspector, one must do the job properly.

Yes, very well.

I'm going to have to watch my step with you and I, eh?

You know, Jack, you know it's always been my ambition to fix Butler, don't

Well, I want you to help me to do it properly. Oh, no, come off it, Blackie,

can't do that.

I mean, what do you take me for? I mean, he is my mate.

Mate? Mate?

You can't have friends when you're an inspector.

I mean, take me.

I haven't got a single friend in the old depot, I'm proud to say.

They hate the sight of you.

I'm glad they do, mate. I'll tell you what, they'll hate the sight of you

you're finished, you know, I'll tell you.

Yes, it's very lonely at the top, you know, Jack.

It's either us or them. No, I'm sorry, I can't do it.

I might remind you, Harper, that you're only acting, Inspector.

You're not established, you know, you'd easily be thrown back on the heap.

Yeah.

Right then.

Now, Butler's clocked in, hasn't he?

Yeah.

He's not in the depot, though, is he? No.

No, no. He's always clocked in this time of the day and not in any.

Oh, yeah, well, that's because I always used to clock someone in.

I know all about that, boy.

What I can't understand, Jack, what gets me beat every time is how he manages to

get in that main gate without me catching him. Oh, well, that's easy. He

through the manager's loo.

I know he does. Yeah, yeah. He should be there around about now.

Let's get him.

Oh, no, no, Blake.

Now, Blake, wait a minute.

Look, look, I don't like doing this to an old mate. It becomes very hard, I

say. Don't worry, Jack, it gets easier as you go along.

Here, let's get him now, come on.

Shh, shh.

Oh,

blimey, huh?

Oh, thanks, Blakey.

Lady!

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here, eh?

You're late for work, aren't you?

Yeah, I was taking a short cut.

Well, do the manages, Lou.

Yeah, well, he wasn't using it, was he?

Don't be funny, now. Don't be funny. Well, I'll go and... Clock in. Yeah,

exactly what I'm going to do. Go on, then. Clock in, see?

I'll bet you're wondering why I come through that window, don't you?

Why I come through the new window is because it's only a little one and it

me fit.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I'm just going to clock in.

Is that what you're looking for?

Oh.

Oh, I get it.

He shot me, hadn't he?

I've got you, Butler.

I've got you.

Well, I'm going to tell you something now.

He used to clock me in.

Yes, it didn't escape my notice, Harper. I'm afraid I shall have to report this.

Yeah, I see.

You've done yourself in there, haven't you?

I'll go and get the bus out of here.

See, done yourself, huh?

Mr Blake, if you were prepared to overlook this, there's some more things

tell you about, Butler.

Oh, yeah?

What's that?

Oh, it's not all standing.

Is it our tea break?

Tea break?

Blimey, you've had four already.

Now, come on, come on, come on. Yes.

Shouldn't we be picking up them passengers?

No, no, no, darling, no. We don't want you using up all your strength to punch

in tickets all day long, do we?

I've got to keep my strength up. It's all right.

I'll tell you what we do.

Yeah. We'll have time for ourselves.

Oh, good.

I'll have time to finish my buns.

We won't have time for ourselves.

Come on, then.

It's me, Stan Butler.

I know that, you twit.

Of course, Jedi.

I told you we'd find him here, didn't I?

God, you're a right 'un.

Blimey, he put me up to it. Yes, and he put me up to you too, mate.

Now you get on that bus and get right back to the depot.

And remember, I shall be right behind you.

All right, Dracula.

Here, just a minute.

Don't you call Mr Blake Dracula.

Blimey, get you.

I'll tell you what they'll be calling you down the depot, mate. The pride of

Dracula.

So don't you two start breeding because there won't be enough blood to go

around.

Get off that bus!

Right then, Butler. You can go and have your normal tea break now. Go on. Thank

you very much, sir. Right then, Jack.

Let's go in and see the manager and make out our report.

We've got you on the run now, haven't we?

Oh, I'm having a lovely day today.

Well, I'll tell you something. He taught me it, you know.

He used to do it with me.

Yes, that's very true, isn't it?

Mr Blake, there's something else I can tell you about that.

Well, Christine, I just can't believe it, honestly.

My mate Jack, I just... What a creep. What a crawler.

I don't know.

I think he's quite nice, really.

Sort of cuddly.

Cuddly?

You'd be safer cuddling a Bartman stricter.

What's funny in there?

What's funny in there? Blimey, he shot me twice already today.

Yeah, well, he's only doing his job, isn't he?

Ah, let's forgive him. Here, let's go and have a cup of tea, eh? Oh, yeah,

I'm a bit peckish.

You like to put up with a cheese roll, cos I'm a bit brassically skinned.

Oh. I'll tell you what, though. Here.

Come round the back of the canteen with me. We've got a smashing system going.

I'll show you what it is, shall I?

Don't get eager, darling.

I'll show you what we do here.

You keep cavey, though, see? Keep dog -eye. Keep dog -eye out. And watch this.

Remove this bit of hardball here, see?

That's great, that is.

Great? It's better than buying them, I'll tell you that, darling.

Yeah, I think I'll have one myself while I'm here.

What I can't understand, Jack, is how he gets the food out of here. I mean, the

storeroom's always locked up well, isn't it? Oh, well, that's easy. We just put

our hands through the broken window.

We? Oh, no, I didn't say we. I said he.

Oh, I see.

We'll have to put a stop to that then, won't we?

Mmm, nice.

It's not good, is it? Yeah, can I have another?

Well, I just had one.

Look at the size of it, darling. I don't know where you put it all.

I've got very active glands.

I can see that. Blimey, you must have got them from a horse.

Hang on a minute.

Is that it now?

Gotcha!

No, you don't get away. No,

no. Come on, up the office.

Come on. Don't be an idiot. You can't pull me through this hole.

Brady, this is the happiest day of my life.

I'm going to see that you pay for every mortal morsel of food that's ever been

taken out of this canteen since his window got broken.

Jack, get him there. He's got the evidence on his head.

Oh, here comes Blubbermouth.

Oh, look, I'm sorry, mate. I had to do it, otherwise I'd lose me job.

Carry on like that or you'll use a lot more, I tell you, mate.

Oh, darn me, I wish I'd never taken this rotten job in the first place.

Oh, take the notice of him.

Hey, Christine, love, do you fancy coming out with me tonight?

Oh, I can't. I'm going out on a stand for tea.

Oh, that's all right. I'll pick you up after.

Oh. Oh, you mean for dinner?

Yeah. Oh.

All right, then.

I mean, after all, you're the boss, aren't you? I suppose I have to do

everything you say.

Yeah. You know, it might not be so bad being an inspector after all.

I must say, Stan, these scampi are delicious.

Yes, I can see you've enjoyed them. You've had them all.

No, no, look. Under the party, there's another one.

Oh, is there?

Oh,

it tastes lovely.

As I didn't get the taste of it myself, I only had two rather small ones.

Oh, I say, Stan, I'm so glad you asked me to tea. I love scampi.

So I noticed you finished a lot.

Oh.

Well. In that case, if you'll excuse me, I'll just nip up to the bathroom and

wash my hands then, Stanley. All right, darling.

I should watch her, mate. She'll probably eat the soap.

That girl is like a walking dustbin. She certainly can put it away.

Here, I didn't see the going of them, Scampi. She was so quick, she never even

gave me a chance.

I might admit, I never thought I'd live to see the day when anybody could beat

you.

Look, I am starving. Get the next course ready, Ma.

Before she comes down, let's give ourselves a fighting chance.

There is no next course.

All that's left is a bit of cheese and the rest of the loaf. Well, get your

skates on and get in quick.

Oh, well, am I missing anything?

No, love, I was just clearing the table.

Oh, look, Mrs Butler, as you've all had enough to eat, why don't you all go and

sit in the front room while Stanley and me do the washing up?

Oh, thanks very much, love.

Oh, that's very thoughtful, isn't it, Mum?

Arthur, why don't you show Mum and Olive in the front room and you can watch

telly? How lovely.

We'll all sit and watch the food commercials.

I never thought they'd leave us alone.

Poor me.

We've got it all to ourselves now. Now we can really get down to it, darling.

I'll just pump the cushions up.

I'm dying for some more of that lovely sliced bread.

I didn't like taking any more whilst they were still here, in case they

I was a bit of a pig.

A bit of a pig, yeah.

Here, just a minute. Give us a kiss first, don't mess about.

Hey, now, look, hang about, Stanley. I mean, I must eat, mustn't I? Now, go on,

sit up with this. Come on, Blimey, come on, give us a kiss. Oh, I'm not

interrupting anything, am I?

Where do you spring from? Are you ready, love?

Mmm, yeah.

Ready? Ready for what?

Well, Jack's taking me out to dinner.

Oh, thanks for the lovely scampi, Stan. See you in the morning.

Ready, Jack, love?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, I do hope we're going to a nice restaurant.

I'm ravenous.

Just a minute, Jack.

Give her this bit of bread and cheese.

Tie her over till she gets there.

Hello, my darling.

What's the matter, Stan? You're clocking in on time.

Oh, I upset you, eh?

Just because I'm early, you won't be up...

What's all this, then? Oh, I bugged him in resignation, didn't I?

You what?

Ah, well, I had good think about it, and I thought, well, I'm missing out on all

the good things in life, like making Blakey's life a misery.

You know what? Quite honestly, mate, I knew you wouldn't stick it, really. Do

you know why, mate?

Because, you see, you were a born layabout.

Oh, thanks, mate.

Here, sorry about Christine and all that last night.

Ah, it's all right. I'm glad you came when you did before she started eating

knives and forks.

I took her out to the Chinese after. You know, we were there for over three

hours. But I managed to stop her eating in the end.

How'd you manage that? I ran out of money.

Morning, Jack.

Another lovely day, eh?

Morning, Blakey.

What's this?

Oh, I've resigned, haven't I?

Dracula.

Here we go again.

Back to that again, is it? Yeah.

Oh, I knew you wouldn't stick it.

I knew you wasn't inspector material like me.

You see, your trouble is, Jack, that you're not a big enough creep.

Get in that bus with him and get it out then, if that's the case. Oh, Blackie,

by the way, do you know what? Some lab art's gone and stuck his arm through the

canteen window and pinched a great bowl of batter for the fried fish.

Bowl of batter?

Mm.

Now, what do you want to go and do a dull thing like that for? Yeah, watch

mate. You've got no evidence it was me.

Oh, OK.

No, but I'll find that blummin' evidence, mate, and when I do, someone's

to blum me more cop it, I'll tell you.

No, that's not part of the evidence, Blake. It won't be me who cops it. Oh,

that bus out of it.

Hey, you want to be careful, Blakey. Don't let Christine see you like that.

She's rather partial to a bit of fried fish.