Original subtitles

On the Buses, Part 1, production number 0765, recording date 23 -11 -71, take 1.

Okay.

That's all right, that's right.

There you are.

Hello, Eileen. Hello. And your new car.

Hello,

Eileen, darling. Hello.

What a blackie we're next.

What's that?

It's half past five, you're in on time, mate.

Why aren't you late as usual?

No, well, we got the bus in on time tonight.

Oh, you turned over a new leaf, have you? No, we heard you were paying out

we don't trust you.

That's a nice thing to say, isn't it, eh? You're surely not suggesting I make

off with your cash, are you? Nah, of course not. But just in case we let the

tyres down on your bike.

I don't know.

All the things I do for the staff, eh? No gratitude, is there?

Oh, yes. If it hadn't been for the inspector, I wouldn't be in the club.

Hello, hello.

Dracula strikes again.

He said all I had to do was give him a little bit each payday.

You dirty old man, you.

I only did it so she'd get a surprise for Christmas.

Well, brothers, you're getting that all right. A baby Dracula.

You've got warped minds, you two, you know that.

It's because of the likes of you that we can't get any decent, respectable girls

to work here. Yeah, I know that. That's one of the advantages of the job, isn't

it? Right, well, come on, let's have a hug. Well, give us your card, then, come

on. I've got a card, yeah.

This one here.

Here, Blake, you can have mine.

What's that, then?

What? Good.

It's dripping with water. What have you been doing with it?

Well, I've had it a year, haven't I? No, it's been stuck in my back pocket with

my comb.

Looks like you've been using it to wipe your dipstick on.

That's what it should look like. Look, there.

Yes, yes, I know. Oh, that seems about it. Yeah, that is mine. All right, yeah.

Nice, yeah.

Here, old butler.

£26 .45, right?

Half a, £24 .45.

Oh, yeah. If I should be nearly £27.

We've got the usual deductions, you know, out -of -pocket expenses, innit?

out of our pocket into yours.

Now, look here, there's nothing like that here at all.

Here, look, we've all got the same deductions as mine. Look, £26, right?

Now, you've got your money, get off out of it. Hang about, hang about. I'm

checking mine, mate. Yeah, me too.

Well, don't you trust me, then? No. Just a minute, let's check my money.

And a few bits and pieces. Yes, mine's about right. Here you are, lad. We've

your orders from the canteen.

You owe us what's written on the side. Right, George.

Ain't it marvellous, eh? Look at that.

You're like born babies, ain't you, eh?

You get a few pound in your pocket, you can't wait to go and lash it out on

booze, can you?

Well, don't you ever buy anything for Christmas, then? Oh, yeah, he put in an

order. We brought that along and all.

Well,

you're lashing out, ain't you?

Half a bottle of Algerian pork.

Let's have a look.

Oh, three -star brandy.

No, mate, you're going to get plastered.

I've only got that to set fire to me pudding.

All I can say, mate, you've only got a little pudding.

Let's have a look.

Oh, yeah, he has, look.

Fancy setting light to that.

Well, when you blow the flame out, Blake, be careful, because you might

pudding off the table.

Yeah, Blakey, what are you going to spend your Christmas club money on then?

mean, apart from wild living and that.

Well, I won't waste it like you lot are morons, will I, mate?

I'm not wasting my money. No, mine's going towards a down payment on a colour

television set.

Colour television?

Yeah. Ain't it marvellous, eh?

Me and my old mum still thinking of getting a black and white one.

Come on, Blakey, let's have it.

You want to watch it, mate?

Old hitlers make you some very crafty deductions this year.

No, what are you insinuating? There's nothing like it. I'm not sitting here to

be insulted by you two, mate. This club's unfair and square.

Yeah, all the companies and countries have certified my accounts as

Legitimate? That's more than a company can say for you.

You know, go on. What's our order?

Hi, Mum. Hello, love.

Here. Hello.

I've got this stuff for Christmas.

Oh, good, yeah.

Did you see the bloke... out of colour, Jelly? Yes, I've got all the forms.

Here, we only have to put £20 down.

Oh, good, that's about nearly as much as I've got left out of the club money,

yeah? And now we should get, what, say, a 15 quid per old set.

And how much did he offer?

£30. Yeah.

£30?

We only finished buying for it last week.

He said he'd give us a fiver for it if we got it working properly.

Oh, well, that's not too bad. No, not too bad at all, considering it'd cost

to put it right.

Yes, well, love, he said it was the tube.

It's worn out. Well, whatever the reason is, Mum, it's always on, isn't it? I

mean, we can only get 30 bucks for it. I can assure you we can't have a colour

television set. Oh, love.

Well, it's going to cost 20 quid for the aerial and the licence.

All that?

Well, the licence is 12 quid alone.

Well, I think it's disgusting, tackling people's pleasures like that.

Well, a marriage licence only costs two pounds.

Yeah, well... You get more pleasure out of some things than others.

And a television license only lasts a year. And a marriage license goes on

forever and ever.

Yeah.

Well, all I'm saying is this. If that's all we can get 30, Bob, we won't be able

to have a colour television for Christmas.

Oh, and I'd get my heart on hearing the Queen's speech in colour.

My dear mother -in -law, it's going to sound exactly the same whether it's in

colour or black and white.

Oh, no, it's not. I mean, everything looks more nice in colour.

Well, I tell you something.

If Arthur, he paid for the aerial, we could have a television.

Look, mate, I have not got enough money to waste on trivial luxuries like that.

In any case, they haven't got it right yet. The colours aren't natural.

That's not true. I was watching a commercial in a shop window the other

was fantastic. All those sausages and beans and tomatoes.

Oh, it made me mouth water.

Oh, heaven help us if we ever do get a colour television set.

Every time there's a sausage commercial, we'll be sitting in front of the set

with a knife and fork in the tree.

In any case, mate, I am quite satisfied with black and white as it is. I find it

quite satisfactory.

Oh, Arthur, everybody looks very dull and colourless in black and white.

Yeah, well, some people look like that in real life, don't they?

In any case, as we can't afford a colour set, I find the whole of this

conversation quite futile.

That must be worth more than 30 bob.

The picture's not all that bad.

Let's have a look at it.

Oh, love it is.

You see, you don't notice it, cos it's gone little by little.

Like Arthur's hair, you mean?

Shut up!

No, Mum's right. The picture's all grey.

You can't tell black from white. No. When they do the commercials, you can't

tell which sheets are washed and which are dirty.

They look just the same after as before.

Only if that's the same problem.

Don't be so rude.

At any rate, you know Mum's right. When we were watching football the other day,

do you remember?

Arthur said that Georgie Best looked like Father Christmas.

Yes.

Even the ball they were kicking looked white.

Mum, the ball is white.

Is it?

Yeah. Well, it wasn't in my day.

Well, hang on.

I'll turn the sound down a bit.

There you are. It's all white.

Yes, yes. Well, I've got the control as far over as I can get it. Perhaps I

might be able to adjust it a bit better with the aerial.

Olive, come and hold this aerial for me.

I can't.

Yes, hold it up. Let me have a look.

Ah, now you've been dabbled.

Yeah. You see, that's what they call ghosting.

Oh, what cause is that, then?

Well, it's when the picture hits some big building or some other great big

object. Put that aerial down.

One minute, that looks a bit better, doesn't it? Yeah, well, now, tilt back.

It's still fake, though. Yeah, what's it what is? None of them sex films, is it?

No, our set's gone on the blink. You see, you can't tell that bird whether

got her clothes on or not. No, but you're right. It's so bad, you can't

tell whether it's a bird or not. Well, if you can't tell, it must be lousy.

When are you getting your new colour set, then? We're not. Ronnie's going to

give us 30 bob for that. Except the tube's gone.

Oh, well, there's ways of fixing that, isn't there?

Yeah, of course it is. Here, Mr B, you've got a screwdriver, have you? Take

plug out of the wall, switch off, mate. What are you going to do now?

I'm going to alter the voltage tap in a night.

What's that going to do? You just watch, mate.

You happen to have a genius here. Right, I'm going to turn it down right to

under 90 volts.

There we are. Right, switch on, mate. Oh, plug in. Plug in. There you go.

Right.

How's that?

Well, it's... Wait a minute.

Yeah. One adjusted. Yes, it's coming up lovely now. Oh!

Oh, yes, that's a lovely... All right. Oh, that's a smashing picture, man,

it? Mm. God.

How long will it last like that, Jack?

Switch off quick. Oh.

Well, that's ridiculous, mate, isn't it? If it only lasts that long, that's no

good. Oh, well, I mean, it might last six months. It might last a couple of

days. You can't tell. But it'll last long enough to flog it.

Don't talk wet. The bloke at the shop knows somebody's tempered with it. Yeah,

well, of course he will. What you've got to do is to take that down to the depot

and find some mug who's got his Christmas club money and doesn't know

with it.

Who's going to be mug enough to buy this, mate?

Well, there's only one, isn't there?

Yeah, do you know what, Jack?

I'm a bit worried. Do you reckon I'll flake your fore for this, Jack? Yeah, of

course he will, mate. Look, the more he can't have it, the more he'll want it.

It's like you with the clippies.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, the more you can't have them, the more you want them.

I'm lucky if I get them, mate.

Anyway, I don't care as long as it works. Here, Eileen, do you know what to

Don't worry.

Right. Here, come, come, come. Now, you see, Eileen, you see, there's the

controls here.

Just want a bit of polish. Follow the polish up a bit and that's it.

What have you brought that thing in here for?

Oh, this is, uh, Blakey, this is my old black -and -white television set. You

know I was going to get a colour one, yeah. Well, uh, Eileen's buying it off

Oh, Lord.

You've bought his set, have you? Oh, yes, Inspector.

It's marvellous, just like new, in perfect condition.

Yeah, it must be.

Otherwise they'd try to sell it to me. I know them, too.

Absolute bargain for £15.

Oh, £15. Well, that is cheap, I must say. I'm buying it with my friend Edna.

share. I'll go and get the money, Stan.

You all right, darling? Yes.

Butler. What? If you're offering such a bargain for sale, why don't you offer it

to me? I'd do a lot of things for you, you know. I'd put a lot of overtime your

way. Well, Blakey told you that I didn't think you'd want it, even though it is

in perfect condition.

I suppose I'm the last one in the depot you'd do a favour for, eh?

Never thought you'd offer it to me at all, did you? Well, Jack, to tell you

truth, we never entered their minds, did we? No, we just didn't think.

Oh,

Dan. Yeah? I don't know how to tell you this.

What? Edna's gone and spent her share of the money on a new coat.

Oh, no.

Afraid I won't be able to buy your set after all.

I do feel terrible after I'd agreed.

Don't know what to say. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, well, fancy.

Oh, Sam, do you mind very much?

Well, I mean, let's face it, after all, I did bring it in for you special,

didn't I? Oh, well, there's only one thing to do, Sam, mate. You'll have to

a card on the notice board.

Oh, yes, you'll can sell that, all right.

Oh, yes, a marvellous bargain like that. Go in no time.

Yeah, Jack's right. Yeah. Don't you worry about it, darling, yeah.

Well, Stan, I'll give you a hand now. Hang about, hang about.

I want a chance to buy that, Father. What's wrong with my money? No, look, I

must give all the lads a chance to buy it. I'm one of the lads as well, here.

I'm in touch with a chance for that. Now, come on, bring it in the office.

going to test that shit. Come on. All right, thank you.

Now, I suppose that you know we've sort of got to do the bloke a favour, haven't

we, the inspector? You know, after all, he has been good to us at times. Well,

of course he has. Go on.

Pick that wire up, will you?

That's it.

That's it. All right, all right.

It was marvellous that girl not having the money like that, eh? She must be my

lucky charm.

Good times mean correct control.

Well, you've got to admit, Blake, it has a smashing picture in it, eh? Yeah,

well, I'll turn the sound down just in case the general manager hears it, you

know. It's a marvellous bright picture, eh? Yeah, well, it's hardly been used.

Oh, I can tell that, you know, yeah. I know a bit of thing about this, you

Oh, yeah? I know a bit about electronics. Oh, go on.

Yeah, if that had been used a lot, that tube would have been all worn out, you

know that, and it would have been all wishy -washy and white and faint.

Yeah, a fact.

Yeah, but I could tell that, you know. Yeah, you couldn't fool me.

That's a good one, Butler. I'll have it, all right. Oh, thanks, Blakey. No,

don't thank me, Butler.

Matter of fact, I think you've done yourself there, boy.

Well, look. Yeah, 15 quid, no.

There you are. That's a bargain, it's a bargain. Yeah, well, we'd better just

turn it off. No, no, no, no, leave it. Leave it alone, leave it.

I want to leave it on so I can learn how to adjust it for when I get home, you

see. Yeah, well, all right then, then. Go on, you've got your money. Get your

bus out of your way. Go on, sit down.

I don't want to be this time anyway because it was to my advantage, wasn't

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Do you think he'll be all right?

Yeah, well, what's he going to watch anyway? He don't like most of the

programmes. Ah, but he's bound to watch the horror films, isn't he? Well, why

should he do that when all he's got to do is look in a mirror?

Yeah, the inspector's hardly come out of his office since you've sold him that

TV set. Oh, oh. Yeah, he's had it on all day.

What?

Blimey, he must have had that set on for eight hours non -stop.

We'd better see how it is. Yes, come on.

He's trying to find the best place for the aerial.

That chair looks a bit rickety to me, doesn't it?

Might be just a smashing picture, isn't it? Yeah.

How long do you reckon that'll last? Probably keep going for about six

He's a lucky devil, isn't he, old Blakey? I think we sold him a dozen.

Well, he did say it was his lucky day.

That can't be. It's blown up.

Let's go and get him out.

Come on, give us your hands, Blackie, and we'll pull you out. Oh, no, no, no,

no. I've got splinters.

How can you? You've got no splinters in your hands. No, not in my hands.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God, I've been down for weeks.

Oh, well, it's like a sticky plaster. We'll just have to give him one quick

pull, he won't feel a thing. Come on, now. Ow!

Oh!

Oh, you see, that didn't hurt at all, did it?

I've torn all my trousers down.

Sorry, miss, I didn't know you were there.

What's the matter now?

I've got splinters in me hands.

I'll take legal action over this butler. I'll sue you.

I'll see you get sacked for this as well. It was an accident. It won't be an

accident, mate. You'll get sued for this, I'll tell you. Oh, I feel all

Sit down.

Sit down.

You don't see why you had to buy a new set for your inspector?

Look, I haven't got it through your thick head yet, have I?

Our old one blew up and put the inspector in bed for a fortnight, and

to sue us. Yes, he is. He's going to sue me and Jack. And if I know Blake, he'll

get me the sack as well.

Well, it's your own fault for being dishonest.

And thanks to your clever pal Jack, we've lost all our Christmas money,

we? Well, my Stan nearly lost his job.

Yeah, and the company nearly lost an inspector.

Well, we still haven't got a telly for Christmas. What are we going to do all

day? Oh, never mind, love.

It'll just be like the old days.

We used to, in the holidays, eat all day and sleep all day.

Olive does that every day of the year.

Will you shut up? Come and get your coat on.

Let me get your coat on. Where am I going?

Well, look, I need you for moral support.

Oh, do us a favour, Harvey. I want you to help me to batter him up, you know.

Oh, go on, Arthur.

No, I don't see why I should.

Oh, well, that's that, then. There's no point in me going, then. Because all

I'll do is I'll get the sack. And if I get the sack, mate, I'll tell you

something, you'll have to keep the family.

So please yourself.

Yes, well, on second thoughts, I don't seem to have very much on this

I thought that would make you change your chair. What are you sleeping here

Come on.

As soon as it affects your pocket, mate. As soon as it affects your pocket.

Look,

Butler, you can take that television set away. I don't want nothing to do with

it after the other one.

I want my money back, and I'm taking legal action, I'll tell you that.

But, Blakey, look. Look, it's brand new. It's come straight from the shop. Look,

it's a guarantee.

Guarantee for six months.

But, Blakey, listen, I didn't know the other one was going to blow up. I mean,

Arthur knows that, don't you, Arthur?

I did too well.

Yes, and what about all my injuries and all the aggravation, eh? You're not

getting round me as easy as all that, bud. Come in, Blakey. I see you've got

your new set, then. Yes, and I don't want it.

Oh, don't be like that, Blaggy. Look, Stan and me have clubbed together,

you lots of nice things to cheer you up. Look, we've brought you some bottles of

beer. Yeah, and chocolate.

And chocolate, a box of cigars, crisps and everything, see?

Yeah, well, that's very nice of you, Jack, but I've still got all my

you know. Oh, yeah? How are you, Splinters? I should have thought you'd

on his side. No, no, no, I'm quite all right as I am, thanks. Well, let's have

look, see if you're comfortable.

Oh, look, he's... I was sitting on another ring.

Oh, the sheet's back. Yeah, well, we know what to do if you get a puncture.

Yeah.

Bring one of the maintenance lads round here, look after you. Yeah, they'll jack

you up with a bit of spare.

Yeah, I think we ought to be going.

No, no, Alfred, no, I'll just plug in, see if the set works, you see.

Where's your socket, lady? It's in the back of the bed here. In the back of the

bed.

Right, there you go.

I've got to help you shift the bed. Oh, yeah, right.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, shit, don't be rude!

Is it toad back in the hole, then?

Sorry about that, sorry about that. I couldn't get the socket in, see? Arthur,

switch on, mate, will you?

Oh, er...

No, leave it, leave it, leave it. I'll watch it later on. I just want a bit of

peace and quiet and sleep, you see. Look, we just want to see if it works

right, and then we'll go.

And now for our special sports feature, our cameras are in Madrid, and in just

under a minute's time, we'll be bringing you the last ten minutes of the

international match at Madrid Stadium.

Oh, blimey, that's the match we wanted to watch.

Well, we're going to be too late by the time we get back to your place, mate.

Oh, it's all right, we'll watch it here. Well,

it's only about ten minutes. Any more chairs?

No, sit on the bed, Arthur, sit on the bed.

I'd better have some of my medicine.

The doctor said I'm supposed to take it every two hours, you see.

All this aggravation making me make acid a bit. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, seeing you drink that is making me thirsty.

There's plenty of beer here. Thank you very much. Oh, you're welcome.

There's still no score. It's an amazing match. Only ten minutes to go and

anything can happen.

What a fantastic match. Still no score in spite of half an hour's extra time.

Just a few minutes left and it's still anybody's game.

Jackson's got the ball. He passes it to Baker. This could be the winning goal.

Goal! Shoot! Shoot!

Shoot! Goal! Goal! Goal!

Goal! Goal!

Goal! Goal! Goal!

Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal!

Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal!

That's my medicine!

Yes, in spite of protests, the referee has decided it's a corner.

Oh, it's... God, all this shouting, I think my voice is going. Well, thank God

for that. Now, you give it a rest there, eh? It'll be all right when he's had

another bottle of your beer. Yeah, hold that, mate. I'll pour it out then.

Jackson's starting his run. He takes the corner.

Baker's got his head turned, and there he goes!

He's interested on backwards, that fella.

125 ,000 quid he calls. Yeah, he should be shocked. Don't you agree, buddy?

Yeah, it's him and one or two more.

How much longer is this going on?

More trouble in the penalty area. I don't think the referee's going to give

penalty. Yeah, it's a penalty.

Give us that.

Oh, no, it's gone out.

Hang on a minute.

It's good, isn't it?

Hey, hey, hey.

It's tough.

Come on, get on with the game. Get on with the game.

Oh, God. I can't stand this much longer, honestly. Come on. Well, if you can't

stand it, don't look. I'm not going to sit, mate.

Chop us up, will you? This penalty could win the match.

Baker's taking his time.

You didn't need to go to all that trouble, honestly.

Oh, I didn't bring it for you. I brought it for the boss.