Original subtitles

Oh, what's Thomas left on the bus?

What's that, then? Two portions of fish and chips.

Ah, well, you've got to hand it in to lost property.

Oh, I can't do that.

Why not? I'm hungry.

So am I. Let's get stuck in it.

Inspector?

Yes, madam?

I've just left something on one of your buses.

Oh, well, rest assured, madam, all my crews are fully trained as regards to

property. I should hope so.

Well, if it hasn't already been handed in, it soon will be, I tell you.

This is the best bit, you know. See that?

It's fit right on the bone here.

Oh, that's crazy, isn't it?

Well, you've got a hanky, haven't you?

No, I ain't going to use that. That's mine.

No, I'll wipe it on this and put it on to the company.

Now, she'll need your full name and address and a complete description of

property you lost, right?

Two portions of fish and chips.

Two portions of...

Do you force into fish and chips?

Is that all?

All? That was my old man's supper. Best place on the bone.

I want it back.

Oh, well, I'll see what I can do for you. What bus were you on, you know?

Ah.

Oh, blimey. That old woman was on our bus. Quick, get rid of the stuff.

What's wrong with that then?

Well, it must be her fish and chips. Oh, blimey. Oh,

uh, butler.

This lady here says she's left some fishing chips on your bus. You found it,

have you? Well, that's not my department. You ask her. No, no, there's

on that bus, sir. You can have a look if you like, but I've already checked it.

This is the bus?

Number 11 from Cemetery Gates. I left it on here when I got off at the R Street.

Hang on a minute. This lady couldn't have been in our bus.

Oh, by me, we've only just got here.

I mean, she'd be the same time as us.

Well, she caught the next bus to you.

Well, that's what I mean. That's 20 minutes after us. Yes, and it got here

minutes before you.

That's a bit late again, as usual, isn't it?

There's a definite smell of fish round here. Oh, yeah, but that's not the fish

and chips, madam.

Well, we don't like to talk about it here, but... Oh.

It's insinuated.

It's that rubber Macca uses, you see. It's like tennis shoes on a hot day, and

it's stronger.

It's always the same. Whenever you leave anything on the bus, you can never get

it back.

I shall write to the manager about this.

And other things.

How dare you suggest things like that about me to that woman.

Well, let's place it, Blakey. Everybody in the depot knows that you do have a

personal problem, you know.

Blimey, your best friends wouldn't tell you. Yeah, but we don't want to tell you

because we hate your guts.

Do you mind? What? I've got to empty the used ticket box. No, it's all right.

Nothing in it. Nothing in it. You're on a driver. How would you know about it?

Get on here and clear that out. I want this bus to run.

No, that's all right. Mind your own business. Let me get on with it.

Blimey! Someone's been stuffing fish bones in here. Look!

I've got you, haven't I? I've got you.

I knew you had that woman's fish.

No, no, no. It's not what you think, Blakey. Oh, no, no, no, no. I suppose

was taking these bones here to the cemetery gates to bury them, weren't

I'm having you in the manager's office. Come on. I'm taking this here in

evidence, mate. Now, you know you get the set for this, don't you, Stephen?

Hang about, mate. As shop steward, I'm here to tell you, under section 42,

-wrapped food is classed as litter.

Yes, but there's nothing in the regulations about eating litter, is

Anyway, boy, you take us to the office. We don't mind. I'll tell you something.

You can't prove nothing.

You haven't got a leg to stand on, mate.

Oh. All right.

Well, in future...

Every bus will have to be checked for lost property as soon as it comes in the

depot, right?

And you'll have to fill in the form every time and all.

Now, you can get the bus out, push your light.

We can't take it out yet.

Right. Why not?

We ain't had our lunch.

Why, Nick?

You only had the best bit.

By the time Blakey and the old girl got over to us, me and old Jack had scoffed

a lot.

Well, I'm afraid I don't find that very funny.

You're just a common thief.

It is a criminal offence, mate.

Stealing by finding.

Oh, no, it wasn't.

It was stealing by eating.

You're splitting hairs, aren't you?

You've got none to split, mate.

Anything you leave on your buses, you're not likely to get back.

It's not true.

Oh, well, I don't know about nowadays, but in the old days, people was honest.

I remember your dad got his teeth back.

he lose his teeth on a bus?

Well, he used to keep them in his pocket.

He only put them in when he wanted to eat.

Well, if he wanted to smile at anybody.

The mind boggles.

Well, there wasn't no national health in them days.

Anyway, they wasn't a very good fit. They were second -hand.

You don't mean to tell me he bought someone else's teeth.

No, he didn't buy them. He inherited them from Uncle Willie when he died.

I'm nauseated.

Anyway, the fact still remains he wouldn't have got them back in this day

age. Anything left on your bus gets pilfered by you lot. Oh, don't talk that

rubbish, mate. We've got parcels down our depot that haven't been claimed yet.

Yeah, I left a parcel on a bus once and Arthur wouldn't let me go and claim it.

Oh, yeah? What was in it?

Well, it was in the first year of our marriage.

I don't think you need go into that.

Arthur had his operation.

It was a special red C through 90.

Arthur bought it for me. It was all transparent and it had holes in it. Will

shut up?

Well, I'll tell you something, love. It's just as well you lost it, because

you'd have worn it, it'd have been in hospital the next day.

I think we've had enough of your crude remarks, mate.

You're just a lot of thieves down at your depot. It's about time your company

did something about it. As a matter of fact, they are.

Old Blakey makes his way after every journey till we've filled in the lost

property forms. Good.

A bit of discipline wouldn't hurt you.

I tell you, sir, it won't last for long. They had to get him browned off.

As a matter of fact, they got a bit of a surprise for him.

Right, mate, give us the stuff.

It's delivering, ready?

I'm starting to see old Blakey's face.

That's right.

Mike has to report every stupid bit of lost property every time we come in.

We'll give him a face and pull a lamp and turn it in. All right, Sam, mate.

it away.

Ta -ra, mate.

Seven and a half minutes late.

Just got time for a cup of tea and out again in five minutes. Hang about. We've

got some lost property here.

Oh, no, you would have.

Yeah, well, come on then. Write it all down. I don't want you accusing us of

pinching stuff.

All right, all right. I've got the form here. Come on, what's it?

Well, coming here, a woman left on the bus.

I don't know what it is. Feels like a hat.

Well, I'll have to describe it, won't I? Oh, yeah, right.

Now, what are you trying to give me?

Blake, you put it down. Describe it properly.

Now, who'd bring a thing like that on a bus with them?

Well, lots of people. We've got a long journey.

And the way you two dawdle about, mate, you'd need to head him out with a

ticket. Oh, right. All right.

It's the, uh, One China Receptical.

Value.

I wonder what your value that is, then.

Well, it's all according to how urgently you need it.

All right.

Oh, don't tell me you've got something else there. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know

what this is. Let's have a look here.

Oh, right.

It's a large -sized block of ice cream.

Oh, well, we won't bother about that, will we? Oh, yes, you will. You put it

down. We don't want to be accused of pinching it like we were that lady's

Yes, you do, then. All right, that's it.

Don't! Oh, look at this! Look, he's gone down in all your...

No, no, no, you made the regulations. Everything found on the bus must be

brought back.

Well, you've got to use your blooming common sense, don't you?

Oh, go on, take it out. You ain't got anything else. Look at that. Yes, yes, I

found this under the back seat, yeah.

What's that mean?

Well, uh, it looks like a chastity belt.

We need to truck.

Things people bring on buses with them, I don't know. Have they got anything

else there, have you? Yes, yes, I found this, Blackie. Oh, I see.

One lace handkerchief. Oh, no, wait a minute. I mean, we must make sure...

I wouldn't describe that as a lace handkerchief, would you?

No, not really.

Mind you, some girls do bring them home in their handbags.

That's just lying, you. All right, that's all right, I can see them.

One pair, ladies.

Undergarment. Yeah, hang about. How do you know their ladies?

Well, he has at this moment.

Shut up.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know. The things people bring on buses. I know. All the years I've been

here, I've never known stuff like that to be left on a bus before.

I suppose you've got nothing else there like that, have you?

Well, just this tin of toffees, Blakey.

Yeah. Oh, we won't bother about toffees. Oh, yes, we will. Yes, we will. I want

you to check every one of them in there. We don't want to be accused of pinching

people's sweeties. Give a sitting.

You all

knew about this, didn't you?

You knew about this, didn't you?

You don't...

I've got to be reported.

I've had just about as much as I can take. I'll kill him. I'll kill him. I'll

kill him.

I'll kill him.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him. I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

I'll kill

him.

That's us finished for the night. Come on, let's get down to Boozer and get

round and fill their clothes. Lovely. Hang about.

Nice property, Paul.

Oh, will you fill it in?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm not going to be made a fool of again, mate.

You check that bus thoroughly, fill that form in and hand it on to the shoe

courier at your guard tonight, right? Ah, well, there's nothing found on the

bus. Well, write down nothing then and sign it. Come on, it's your

responsibility from now on. Oh, blimey, old Frankenstein's getting crafty. They

must have got his head working properly.

Yeah. They must have tightened his bulge up a bit.

Never mind about going to the pub, mate. You stay and check that bus properly

and fill that form in and hand it in. I'm all foam out of it.

Phil, blimey, I'm dying for a pint.

There's nothing on that bus except a few evening newspapers.

Oh, is there?

I'll have one of them. Why don't you do that?

Nothing found on bus.

That'll do. Right, come on, mate. Let's get going. Now, wait a minute, wait a

minute. I found this envelope under the seat. Oh, chuck it away. It's only

litter. No, you can't. It's sealed up and there's a little odd thing in it.

I'd better hand it in to security.

Well, I miss our pint. No, chuck it in, Joe Smith. You know what?

No, blimey, I can't do that.

I'll tell you what, I'll take it home with me tonight, bring it in first thing

in the morning. Great idea. Night, Joe. Night, Joe. Good night.

Oh, Stan, love, it's after midnight.

Come on, time for bed.

Yeah, I'm just having this bit of bread and cheese, Mum.

I've got a bit of peckish right for every damn pint, see. Oh, right, I'll

The phone.

Who? Who could it be at this time of night?

She's gone.

Call me, she's gone at 12 o 'clock at night.

No, no, no. I feel she's gone. I can feel it. I'm sure of it. Oh, don't be

at her. I knew I was lying.

It's a wrong number.

Hello? Butler?

Is that you?

Yeah. Hello, Blackie. What do you want?

I've been got out of bed by the general manager.

Yes. Yeah.

You found an envelope on that last bus, didn't you? And you took it home, didn't

you? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Blakey, I nearly chucked it away.

Chucked it away? Who chucked it away? No, I nearly chucked it away.

Butler, there was a diamond in that envelope.

What? A diamond worth over £100.

It was dropped by a jeweller.

Oh, blimey, I was right to know.

Butler. Yeah?

If you've lost that, if you've read it, you know that. don't you?

You know the regulations concerning lost property. You should have handed it in

right away.

It's all right.

I've got it here. I've got it here.

You've got it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, thank God for that.

Here, Butler. Yes.

You bring that in first thing in the morning, won't you? Right.

Yeah, Blakey, I'll tell you, I promise you, I'll bring it in first thing in the

morning, Blakey.

Blakey? Oi, he's gone.

What was it, love?

Uh, it's Blakey. I left an envelope on here, Mum.

Eh? An envelope, Mum. I found it. on the bus. God, it's got a diamond in it.

What? I left an envelope on here with a newspaper.

Oh!

Oh, Arthur just the evening papered upstairs to bed with him. And the

What? Well, he wanted something to do his pools on.

His pools?

God, I'll kill him! Why didn't he buy things alone?

Arthur, let me in!

Arthur!

Oh, God, where's he had to lock the door for?

Well, there's...

I could do a little bit of primacy, dear.

I know, but I didn't think they bothered.

Arthur!

Arthur, let me in!

Arthur!

What's the matter? Is your house burnt down?

No, let me in! Come on, let me in!

Olive, unlock the door.

Bobby! You're nearer. Because you locked it.

Yeah, and that was a waste of time.

Oh, giddy -hot.

You woke me up in the middle of the night about some coupled envelope.

I found it on a bus.

Yes, and it's got a diamond in it. And it's worth over 100 quid. So why didn't

you add it in? I didn't know it was in there, did I?

Oh, now, come on, mate, don't mess about with the envelope.

Oh, I was working out my permutations on it and I fell asleep doing it. See, the

sun went broad.

How can you fall asleep doing your pulls?

He can fall asleep doing anything.

There it is. Right, Tom.

It's only half of an envelope, and it's not in there.

Where's the other half?

Olive used it to make that a shopping list.

Blimey, what a marriage. You do your paws and she makes out a shopping list.

Have you got it? Where is it? I didn't use it.

Oh, good.

It's not there.

Where is it?

Don't anybody move. Mum's right.

It might be on the bedspread. Yes, you're right. Mum, take it easy now.

now, come on, get your end.

Got it. Careful, careful, careful, Mum.

Careful. Yes, gently, Jazzy. To me. Shake it a bit. Watch it. Give it a

Well,

it's not under me pillow, I'll tell you that. It's not right. There's only one

thing for it. It must be in the bed.

What do you mean?

I am finding this highly embarrassing.

I've got it. I've got it. Oh, good old mum.

Great. She's got... That's not it.

Why do you have to cut your toenails in bed?

That's what I always say.

Why don't you make the bed? I'll cut them in three weeks.

Yeah. Does anybody know?

Where are you going?

I'm going to get me torch.

Right, that's it.

Well, it must be here somewhere. I suppose I'll find help. No, don't you

Keep still.

You might knock it anywhere.

Here, here, mate, mate, mate.

You were supposed to be knocking for a dime and not giving me a medical.

Shut up.

It ain't there.

Olive, lift up.

go to sleep.

Well, he must be here somewhere.

I'm not joking. Look at this. This bed's full of crumbs, you know.

Don't you ever make it?

The amount of food she eats in bed doesn't need making. It needs sweeping.

There's a big tear in this sheet.

Now, you know why I told him to cut his toenails.

That's it.

All right, I've got it.

Oh, blimey, it's one of you all rotten pills.

It's not my pill. I don't take a pill. Arthur does.

take one for her?

I'll take it for night cramp.

It relaxes my muscles and ensures I'll get eight hours uninterrupted sleep.

Blimey, no wonder she's eating biscuits all night.

Here, have you found it? No, I haven't, Mum. Right, I'll look under the bed.

Now.

Oh, we should have looked under here before.

Oh, good. Have you found a diamond?

No, but I found three inches of flam.

That does it. Lock that door, Mum. Lock that door. Hey, what are you doing?

Nobody's going to leave this room until I've found it. Ollie?

Get out of there and stand up on that chair and take it easy.

Right, now then, get up on that chair. Take it easy, doll. That's it, love.

Right. Now, Arthur, you do the same.

You must be joking, mate.

You come back and look for it tomorrow. I'm going to sleep. Are you? If you're

going to sleep, mate, there's only one place you're doing it, and that's on the

floor. Right.

Oh, I don't know. Look to all the sheets and pillowcases.

No, neither can I. It's not under the line, though.

Well, I shouldn't give up, Art, mate. You haven't taken the floorboards up

That's a good idea. I'll go and get the hammer and chisel. Oh, shut up. Don't be

stupid. I'm getting fed up with this. You shut up. If you hadn't have taken

envelope, I wouldn't have lost the diamond, would I?

Stan, can I get down off this chair? No, no, darling, no. Don't move. The more

people are moving around, the less chance I've got of finding it, aren't I?

But the chair's so hard, it keeps hurting my corn.

Yeah, well, I can't help it, darling. I've...

It's in that little round hole in the cornflour.

Wait a minute, love.

How did it get there?

You stupid great lump. Must have been when you were trampling all over me.

Eh?

You what?

No, that was when I had to unlock the door and get back into bed.

Oh, well, anyway, you had it done, eh? Lovely.

Ah, lovely. Go on, Mum. Now we can have a good night, Kip. Just, just, just...

Just one minute, mate.

You can't walk out of the room leaving it like this. It'd take us two hours to

get it straight again.

Look, mate, you've always said it needed a good turnout. Now you've had one,

haven't you?

What's happened?

Is Blakey back and done?

Of course I did.

I gave him the first thing this morning. He's ending with him now.

I could get the sack for this, you know. If Blakey has anything to do with it,

he probably will.

Yeah, well, I pleaded with him to do his best. You should never let me take that

envelope home. Oh.

Blimey, mate. Thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

Hey, he's smiling. That means you have got the sack.

It's all right, Butler.

I sorted out that business about the lost diamond with the general manager.

You didn't tell him I took the envelope home? Oh, no, no, no. I never mentioned

your name at all. Kept it right out.

You did?

Yeah.

Yes, I told him I came back here in the middle of the night and I personally

found it stuffed down the corner of one of the seats.

Oh.

Oh, Blakey, blimey, you're a good 'un. Hey, he's a good 'un, Jack. I said he's

good 'un, isn't he? That's right.

Hey, I never thought you'd do a thing like that for me.

No, neither did I until I found out there was 10 pound reward for the

I've got to check there, look. Yeah, it's good, Blakey, that. It's because,

see, I'm entitled to half of that, aren't I? Yeah, I know. That's what's so

marvellous about it.

You're not getting it.

Why not?

You told me to keep your name out of it, I did.

I'll bet this has taught you a lesson, hasn't it?

No, not really.

Come on. No, it hasn't taught me a lesson. It's taught me nothing.

I've always known you couldn't trust an inspector.

Come on, let's get the bus out of here.