All language subtitles for On The Buses s05e09 Lost property

Oh, what's Thomas left on the bus?

What's that, then? Two portions of fish
and chips.

Ah, well, you've got to hand it in to
lost property.

Oh, I can't do that.

Why not? I'm hungry.

So am I. Let's get stuck in it.

Inspector?

Yes, madam?

I've just left something on one of your
buses.

Oh, well, rest assured, madam, all my
crews are fully trained as regards to

property. I should hope so.

Well, if it hasn't already been handed
in, it soon will be, I tell you.

This is the best bit, you know. See
that?

It's fit right on the bone here.

Oh, that's crazy, isn't it?

Well, you've got a hanky, haven't you?

No, I ain't going to use that. That's
mine.

No, I'll wipe it on this and put it on
to the company.

Now, she'll need your full name and
address and a complete description of

property you lost, right?

Two portions of fish and chips.

Two portions of...

Do you force into fish and chips?

Is that all?

All? That was my old man's supper. Best
place on the bone.

I want it back.

Oh, well, I'll see what I can do for
you. What bus were you on, you know?

Ah.

Oh, blimey. That old woman was on our
bus. Quick, get rid of the stuff.

What's wrong with that then?

Well, it must be her fish and chips. Oh,
blimey. Oh,

uh, butler.

This lady here says she's left some
fishing chips on your bus. You found it,

have you? Well, that's not my
department. You ask her. No, no, there's

on that bus, sir. You can have a look if
you like, but I've already checked it.

This is the bus?

Number 11 from Cemetery Gates. I left it
on here when I got off at the R Street.

Hang on a minute. This lady couldn't
have been in our bus.

Oh, by me, we've only just got here.

I mean, she'd be the same time as us.

Well, she caught the next bus to you.

Well, that's what I mean. That's 20
minutes after us. Yes, and it got here

minutes before you.

That's a bit late again, as usual, isn't
it?

There's a definite smell of fish round
here. Oh, yeah, but that's not the fish

and chips, madam.

Well, we don't like to talk about it
here, but... Oh.

It's insinuated.

It's that rubber Macca uses, you see.
It's like tennis shoes on a hot day, and

it's stronger.

It's always the same. Whenever you leave
anything on the bus, you can never get

it back.

I shall write to the manager about this.

And other things.

How dare you suggest things like that
about me to that woman.

Well, let's place it, Blakey. Everybody
in the depot knows that you do have a

personal problem, you know.

Blimey, your best friends wouldn't tell
you. Yeah, but we don't want to tell you

because we hate your guts.

Do you mind? What? I've got to empty the
used ticket box. No, it's all right.

Nothing in it. Nothing in it. You're on
a driver. How would you know about it?

Get on here and clear that out. I want
this bus to run.

No, that's all right. Mind your own
business. Let me get on with it.

Blimey! Someone's been stuffing fish
bones in here. Look!

I've got you, haven't I? I've got you.

I knew you had that woman's fish.

No, no, no. It's not what you think,
Blakey. Oh, no, no, no, no. I suppose

was taking these bones here to the
cemetery gates to bury them, weren't

I'm having you in the manager's office.
Come on. I'm taking this here in

evidence, mate. Now, you know you get
the set for this, don't you, Stephen?

Hang about, mate. As shop steward, I'm
here to tell you, under section 42,

-wrapped food is classed as litter.

Yes, but there's nothing in the
regulations about eating litter, is

Anyway, boy, you take us to the office.
We don't mind. I'll tell you something.

You can't prove nothing.

You haven't got a leg to stand on, mate.

Oh. All right.

Well, in future...

Every bus will have to be checked for
lost property as soon as it comes in the

depot, right?

And you'll have to fill in the form
every time and all.

Now, you can get the bus out, push your
light.

We can't take it out yet.

Right. Why not?

We ain't had our lunch.

Why, Nick?

You only had the best bit.

By the time Blakey and the old girl got
over to us, me and old Jack had scoffed

a lot.

Well, I'm afraid I don't find that very
funny.

You're just a common thief.

It is a criminal offence, mate.

Stealing by finding.

Oh, no, it wasn't.

It was stealing by eating.

You're splitting hairs, aren't you?

You've got none to split, mate.

Anything you leave on your buses, you're
not likely to get back.

It's not true.

Oh, well, I don't know about nowadays,
but in the old days, people was honest.

I remember your dad got his teeth back.

he lose his teeth on a bus?

Well, he used to keep them in his
pocket.

He only put them in when he wanted to
eat.

Well, if he wanted to smile at anybody.

The mind boggles.

Well, there wasn't no national health in
them days.

Anyway, they wasn't a very good fit.
They were second -hand.

You don't mean to tell me he bought
someone else's teeth.

No, he didn't buy them. He inherited
them from Uncle Willie when he died.

I'm nauseated.

Anyway, the fact still remains he
wouldn't have got them back in this day

age. Anything left on your bus gets
pilfered by you lot. Oh, don't talk that

rubbish, mate. We've got parcels down
our depot that haven't been claimed yet.

Yeah, I left a parcel on a bus once and
Arthur wouldn't let me go and claim it.

Oh, yeah? What was in it?

Well, it was in the first year of our
marriage.

I don't think you need go into that.

Arthur had his operation.

It was a special red C through 90.

Arthur bought it for me. It was all
transparent and it had holes in it. Will

shut up?

Well, I'll tell you something, love.
It's just as well you lost it, because

you'd have worn it, it'd have been in
hospital the next day.

I think we've had enough of your crude
remarks, mate.

You're just a lot of thieves down at
your depot. It's about time your company

did something about it. As a matter of
fact, they are.

Old Blakey makes his way after every
journey till we've filled in the lost

property forms. Good.

A bit of discipline wouldn't hurt you.

I tell you, sir, it won't last for long.
They had to get him browned off.

As a matter of fact, they got a bit of a
surprise for him.

Right, mate, give us the stuff.

It's delivering, ready?

I'm starting to see old Blakey's face.

That's right.

Mike has to report every stupid bit of
lost property every time we come in.

We'll give him a face and pull a lamp
and turn it in. All right, Sam, mate.

it away.

Ta -ra, mate.

Seven and a half minutes late.

Just got time for a cup of tea and out
again in five minutes. Hang about. We've

got some lost property here.

Oh, no, you would have.

Yeah, well, come on then. Write it all
down. I don't want you accusing us of

pinching stuff.

All right, all right. I've got the form
here. Come on, what's it?

Well, coming here, a woman left on the
bus.

I don't know what it is. Feels like a
hat.

Well, I'll have to describe it, won't I?
Oh, yeah, right.

Now, what are you trying to give me?

Blake, you put it down. Describe it
properly.

Now, who'd bring a thing like that on a
bus with them?

Well, lots of people. We've got a long
journey.

And the way you two dawdle about, mate,
you'd need to head him out with a

ticket. Oh, right. All right.

It's the, uh, One China Receptical.

Value.

I wonder what your value that is, then.

Well, it's all according to how urgently
you need it.

All right.

Oh, don't tell me you've got something
else there. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know

what this is. Let's have a look here.

Oh, right.

It's a large -sized block of ice cream.

Oh, well, we won't bother about that,
will we? Oh, yes, you will. You put it

down. We don't want to be accused of
pinching it like we were that lady's

Yes, you do, then. All right, that's it.

Don't! Oh, look at this! Look, he's gone
down in all your...

No, no, no, you made the regulations.
Everything found on the bus must be

brought back.

Well, you've got to use your blooming
common sense, don't you?

Oh, go on, take it out. You ain't got
anything else. Look at that. Yes, yes, I

found this under the back seat, yeah.

What's that mean?

Well, uh, it looks like a chastity belt.

We need to truck.

Things people bring on buses with them,
I don't know. Have they got anything

else there, have you? Yes, yes, I found
this, Blackie. Oh, I see.

One lace handkerchief. Oh, no, wait a
minute. I mean, we must make sure...

I wouldn't describe that as a lace
handkerchief, would you?

No, not really.

Mind you, some girls do bring them home
in their handbags.

That's just lying, you. All right,
that's all right, I can see them.

One pair, ladies.

Undergarment. Yeah, hang about. How do
you know their ladies?

Well, he has at this moment.

Shut up.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know. The things people bring on
buses. I know. All the years I've been

here, I've never known stuff like that
to be left on a bus before.

I suppose you've got nothing else there
like that, have you?

Well, just this tin of toffees, Blakey.

Yeah. Oh, we won't bother about toffees.
Oh, yes, we will. Yes, we will. I want

you to check every one of them in there.
We don't want to be accused of pinching

people's sweeties. Give a sitting.

You all

knew about this, didn't you?

You knew about this, didn't you?

You don't...

I've got to be reported.

I've had just about as much as I can
take. I'll kill him. I'll kill him. I'll

kill him.

I'll kill him.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him. I'll kill
him. I'll kill him.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him. I'll kill
him.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

I'll kill

him.

That's us finished for the night. Come
on, let's get down to Boozer and get

round and fill their clothes. Lovely.
Hang about.

Nice property, Paul.

Oh, will you fill it in?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm not going to be made a fool of
again, mate.

You check that bus thoroughly, fill that
form in and hand it on to the shoe

courier at your guard tonight, right?
Ah, well, there's nothing found on the

bus. Well, write down nothing then and
sign it. Come on, it's your

responsibility from now on. Oh, blimey,
old Frankenstein's getting crafty. They

must have got his head working properly.

Yeah. They must have tightened his bulge
up a bit.

Never mind about going to the pub, mate.
You stay and check that bus properly

and fill that form in and hand it in.
I'm all foam out of it.

Phil, blimey, I'm dying for a pint.

There's nothing on that bus except a few
evening newspapers.

Oh, is there?

I'll have one of them. Why don't you do
that?

Nothing found on bus.

That'll do. Right, come on, mate. Let's
get going. Now, wait a minute, wait a

minute. I found this envelope under the
seat. Oh, chuck it away. It's only

litter. No, you can't. It's sealed up
and there's a little odd thing in it.

I'd better hand it in to security.

Well, I miss our pint. No, chuck it in,
Joe Smith. You know what?

No, blimey, I can't do that.

I'll tell you what, I'll take it home
with me tonight, bring it in first thing

in the morning. Great idea. Night, Joe.
Night, Joe. Good night.

Oh, Stan, love, it's after midnight.

Come on, time for bed.

Yeah, I'm just having this bit of bread
and cheese, Mum.

I've got a bit of peckish right for
every damn pint, see. Oh, right, I'll

The phone.

Who? Who could it be at this time of
night?

She's gone.

Call me, she's gone at 12 o 'clock at
night.

No, no, no. I feel she's gone. I can
feel it. I'm sure of it. Oh, don't be

at her. I knew I was lying.

It's a wrong number.

Hello? Butler?

Is that you?

Yeah. Hello, Blackie. What do you want?

I've been got out of bed by the general
manager.

Yes. Yeah.

You found an envelope on that last bus,
didn't you? And you took it home, didn't

you? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Blakey, I nearly chucked it away.

Chucked it away? Who chucked it away?
No, I nearly chucked it away.

Butler, there was a diamond in that
envelope.

What? A diamond worth over £100.

It was dropped by a jeweller.

Oh, blimey, I was right to know.

Butler. Yeah?

If you've lost that, if you've read it,
you know that. don't you?

You know the regulations concerning lost
property. You should have handed it in

right away.

It's all right.

I've got it here. I've got it here.

You've got it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, thank God for that.

Here, Butler. Yes.

You bring that in first thing in the
morning, won't you? Right.

Yeah, Blakey, I'll tell you, I promise
you, I'll bring it in first thing in the

morning, Blakey.

Blakey? Oi, he's gone.

What was it, love?

Uh, it's Blakey. I left an envelope on
here, Mum.

Eh? An envelope, Mum. I found it. on the
bus. God, it's got a diamond in it.

What? I left an envelope on here with a
newspaper.

Oh!

Oh, Arthur just the evening papered
upstairs to bed with him. And the

What? Well, he wanted something to do
his pools on.

His pools?

God, I'll kill him! Why didn't he buy
things alone?

Arthur, let me in!

Arthur!

Oh, God, where's he had to lock the door
for?

Well, there's...

I could do a little bit of primacy,
dear.

I know, but I didn't think they
bothered.

Arthur!

Arthur, let me in!

Arthur!

What's the matter? Is your house burnt
down?

No, let me in! Come on, let me in!

Olive, unlock the door.

Bobby! You're nearer. Because you locked
it.

Yeah, and that was a waste of time.

Oh, giddy -hot.

You woke me up in the middle of the
night about some coupled envelope.

I found it on a bus.

Yes, and it's got a diamond in it. And
it's worth over 100 quid. So why didn't

you add it in? I didn't know it was in
there, did I?

Oh, now, come on, mate, don't mess about
with the envelope.

Oh, I was working out my permutations on
it and I fell asleep doing it. See, the

sun went broad.

How can you fall asleep doing your
pulls?

He can fall asleep doing anything.

There it is. Right, Tom.

It's only half of an envelope, and it's
not in there.

Where's the other half?

Olive used it to make that a shopping
list.

Blimey, what a marriage. You do your
paws and she makes out a shopping list.

Have you got it? Where is it? I didn't
use it.

Oh, good.

It's not there.

Where is it?

Don't anybody move. Mum's right.

It might be on the bedspread. Yes,
you're right. Mum, take it easy now.

now, come on, get your end.

Got it. Careful, careful, careful, Mum.

Careful. Yes, gently, Jazzy. To me.
Shake it a bit. Watch it. Give it a

Well,

it's not under me pillow, I'll tell you
that. It's not right. There's only one

thing for it. It must be in the bed.

What do you mean?

I am finding this highly embarrassing.

I've got it. I've got it. Oh, good old
mum.

Great. She's got... That's not it.

Why do you have to cut your toenails in
bed?

That's what I always say.

Why don't you make the bed? I'll cut
them in three weeks.

Yeah. Does anybody know?

Where are you going?

I'm going to get me torch.

Right, that's it.

Well, it must be here somewhere. I
suppose I'll find help. No, don't you

Keep still.

You might knock it anywhere.

Here, here, mate, mate, mate.

You were supposed to be knocking for a
dime and not giving me a medical.

Shut up.

It ain't there.

Olive, lift up.

go to sleep.

Well, he must be here somewhere.

I'm not joking. Look at this. This bed's
full of crumbs, you know.

Don't you ever make it?

The amount of food she eats in bed
doesn't need making. It needs sweeping.

There's a big tear in this sheet.

Now, you know why I told him to cut his
toenails.

That's it.

All right, I've got it.

Oh, blimey, it's one of you all rotten
pills.

It's not my pill. I don't take a pill.
Arthur does.

take one for her?

I'll take it for night cramp.

It relaxes my muscles and ensures I'll
get eight hours uninterrupted sleep.

Blimey, no wonder she's eating biscuits
all night.

Here, have you found it? No, I haven't,
Mum. Right, I'll look under the bed.

Now.

Oh, we should have looked under here
before.

Oh, good. Have you found a diamond?

No, but I found three inches of flam.

That does it. Lock that door, Mum. Lock
that door. Hey, what are you doing?

Nobody's going to leave this room until
I've found it. Ollie?

Get out of there and stand up on that
chair and take it easy.

Right, now then, get up on that chair.
Take it easy, doll. That's it, love.

Right. Now, Arthur, you do the same.

You must be joking, mate.

You come back and look for it tomorrow.
I'm going to sleep. Are you? If you're

going to sleep, mate, there's only one
place you're doing it, and that's on the

floor. Right.

Oh, I don't know. Look to all the sheets
and pillowcases.

No, neither can I. It's not under the
line, though.

Well, I shouldn't give up, Art, mate.
You haven't taken the floorboards up

That's a good idea. I'll go and get the
hammer and chisel. Oh, shut up. Don't be

stupid. I'm getting fed up with this.
You shut up. If you hadn't have taken

envelope, I wouldn't have lost the
diamond, would I?

Stan, can I get down off this chair? No,
no, darling, no. Don't move. The more

people are moving around, the less
chance I've got of finding it, aren't I?

But the chair's so hard, it keeps
hurting my corn.

Yeah, well, I can't help it, darling.
I've...

It's in that little round hole in the
cornflour.

Wait a minute, love.

How did it get there?

You stupid great lump. Must have been
when you were trampling all over me.

Eh?

You what?

No, that was when I had to unlock the
door and get back into bed.

Oh, well, anyway, you had it done, eh?
Lovely.

Ah, lovely. Go on, Mum. Now we can have
a good night, Kip. Just, just, just...

Just one minute, mate.

You can't walk out of the room leaving
it like this. It'd take us two hours to

get it straight again.

Look, mate, you've always said it needed
a good turnout. Now you've had one,

haven't you?

What's happened?

Is Blakey back and done?

Of course I did.

I gave him the first thing this morning.
He's ending with him now.

I could get the sack for this, you know.
If Blakey has anything to do with it,

he probably will.

Yeah, well, I pleaded with him to do his
best. You should never let me take that

envelope home. Oh.

Blimey, mate. Thank you very much, sir.
Thank you.

Hey, he's smiling. That means you have
got the sack.

It's all right, Butler.

I sorted out that business about the
lost diamond with the general manager.

You didn't tell him I took the envelope
home? Oh, no, no, no. I never mentioned

your name at all. Kept it right out.

You did?

Yeah.

Yes, I told him I came back here in the
middle of the night and I personally

found it stuffed down the corner of one
of the seats.

Oh.

Oh, Blakey, blimey, you're a good 'un.
Hey, he's a good 'un, Jack. I said he's

good 'un, isn't he? That's right.

Hey, I never thought you'd do a thing
like that for me.

No, neither did I until I found out
there was 10 pound reward for the

I've got to check there, look. Yeah,
it's good, Blakey, that. It's because,

see, I'm entitled to half of that,
aren't I? Yeah, I know. That's what's so

marvellous about it.

You're not getting it.

Why not?

You told me to keep your name out of it,
I did.

I'll bet this has taught you a lesson,
hasn't it?

No, not really.

Come on. No, it hasn't taught me a
lesson. It's taught me nothing.

I've always known you couldn't trust an
inspector.

Come on, let's get the bus out of here.