Original subtitles

On the buses, number 5, part 1, production number 757, recording date

the 8th, 71, take 1.

How much, love?

That's 15 and 6, 21, 24 and 8, 32.

Make it 26.

Thanks, love.

That's 50, darling.

Thanks.

Staping kidney, mash and clean.

Oh, love, here. I could do with a bit more staking kidney.

You blokes never have enough.

Oh, that's gorgeous. How much is that, love?

Well, let's see. Well, forget about the extra steak and kidney.

25. Call it 20.

20? Oh, blimey, love, I'm a bit skint after all those bockers I bought for you

last night.

Oh, yeah, all right.

Make it 15, then. Yeah, all right.

There you go, love.

Here, I've got a bit extra I'll remind you about last night. Yeah, I bet they

remind you about last night at all.

Yeah, amongst other things.

Toad in the hole for me, darling.

OK, love.

Yeah. Chips. Egg. Yes, please, yes.

Oh, that looks nice, doesn't it? Here.

Got any extra bangers, ma 'am? I've got some coming out. All right, I can wait,

ma 'am. I'll keep it hot for you. Hey, I'll make you sell it to all the lads,

eh?

It's up, it's up. Here comes Dracula. Watch it.

Oh, it's cold out in that garage. I'm frozen to the marrow. Hear that?

Dracula's cold.

You want to put a hot water bottle in your coffin?

More on you.

I'll have a...

Toad in the hole and chips on it, please, sir. Yes, Inspector.

Of course.

Portion of peas.

Oh, yes, please. I must have a bit more than that on Femi.

They look nice, don't they?

Why did you do that for him? You said one portion.

It was only a couple extra.

We call her favouritism just because you're the Inspector, you know.

That's, sir, 15 for the toad, four for the peas, portion of chips, five.

Five?

Please? Six chips? Well, that can't be right, can it?

Let's have a look.

No, you've got too, too many.

Six chips to a portion.

That's ridiculous.

Who said there's only six chips to a portion, then? The management.

Oh.

Oh, well, I'd better have another portion, then, wouldn't I?

Is that five pence more make 29?

29. Is mine ready yet, darling?

29p.

29p for that, look.

That girl's very efficient, isn't she? Yeah.

Don't give nothing away.

Oh, no, no.

And yet the management use 50 quid a week on this canteen, do you know that?

Got me beat, I tell you. Yeah, I bet it has.

I've put on an extra sausage and another egg. Yes.

Keep your strength up, don't you?

How much is that, doll? Well, it's 45 there.

Make it 24.

Oh, that's better.

Hey, look, I think you'll stick this about right then, darling. Thanks,

sweetheart.

Miss,

what did Butler have for his lunch for 24p, then?

Tone in the hole, host a chip and an egg.

Are you sure?

Looks a bit more than that to me.

Yeah, watch it. I think Blake is getting suspicious.

Eat up.

Oh, brother, I can't. It's boiling up.

Well, cut it up.

Camouflage it. Eat the ends off the bangers. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute. Keep your eye on him. Keep your eye on him.

Yeah? Stop eating a minute, will you?

Like that?

Mm -hmm.

You've got more on your plate than you paid for.

What do you mean? You paid for one egg. You've got two eggs here, look.

There? Yeah.

Oh, no! No, that's not two eggs. That's only one.

No, it's, um, it's a double yolk, see?

Don't give me that. I'm not a moron, you know.

No, no, Stan's quite right, Blackie. I mean, can you tell one of them yolks

the other? Well, no, but I mean... There you are, identical twins. Come from the

same egg. Now, that is a scientific fact. Yeah, yeah, it's quite right,

That is an amazing likeness, then. What are you talking about? Listen, Blackie,

I'll bet you that if those two yolks had grown up into chicks, even their own

mother couldn't have told them apart.

You can't fool me, mate. You've got a sausage there. You never paid for a

sausage, did you? What are you talking about? That's my toad. I just pulled it

out of the eye.

Well, that one, I pulled it out.

Like your feet on hot day.

Eh? Well, you know, take your shoes off, your feet swell up, you can't get your

shoes back on again.

What are you trying to give me?

You're messing up for a bit potty.

You've got more on your plate than you've paid for, mate. Look, you've got

than one sausage here for a start.

I've just cut it up and I... Well, put the eggs together again then, we're soon

to eat.

All right, put them together then.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't rush me now. I'll put it

together, I'll get it.

You've got more than one sausage. There's two sausages there.

What are you talking about? How can there be two sausages? Look, if there

two sausages there, there'd be four inns, wouldn't there? And there's only

Yeah, that's proof positive. Only one sausage.

You've eaten the inns.

You've eaten the evidence, haven't you?

Well, it won't do you no good, but I'll tell you that. You gave 24p for a

massive great plate full of food there, and I gave 29p for a little tiny morsel.

I know what's going on in this canteen, all right. There's someone here eating

food who ain't paid for it.

There's someone here who's eating food who won't fight for it. Look,

your dinner.

You sure you don't want any supper, love?

No, thanks, Mum. No, I couldn't eat a thing.

Do you know what? Since we've had this new canteen, girl, we can stuff

stupid for next to nothing.

Yes, we're not all so lucky. All I've had since breakfast time's a sandwich.

Where's my supper, Mark?

Here you are, love.

Not that blasted stew again.

Well, you said it was delicious when you had it at Sunday dinner time.

Today happens to be Thursday.

In any case, I'm not very partial to stewed lamb.

Yeah, but it's not lamb any longer, it's now mutton.

Smells like goat.

Look, my, haven't you got something else? I mean, this is my one meal of the

day. I need something nourishing, something with vitamins in it. Not a

second -hand stew.

Look, there's good carrots in that, and bar... to thicken it up.

Plenty of vitamins in those.

Well, carrots are good for you.

Make you see in the dark.

Oh, Arthur, that means that when you wake up in the night, you'll be able to

me without putting the light on.

Here, hurry up and eat the barley, mate.

It's full of vitamin B. Strengthens your nerves.

Don't be so rude.

You don't mind seeing me in the dark, do you, Arthur?

I prefer it that way.

Well,

it's just disgusting.

I tell you what, mate, you ought to become a busman. I tell you what, this

girl, I mean, we'd get more than we can eat.

Well, love, I wish you could bring a few leftovers home for me.

Yeah, I... Hey, I tell you what I'll do, Mum. I'll have a word with Susie and

see what I can do for you.

But in the meantime, eat your stew up as a good boy. Oh, shut up.

I'm fed up with getting the leftovers from this house.

I'm treating it like a dustbin.

I tell you what, let's put him out next Thursday. We might get him collected.

A choggy, mate. Oh,

Dad!

Oh, yes, love? You left your paper and all your things in the canteen. Oh,

thanks, love.

You got the stuff? Page four.

Page four, is it?

Lovely,

love.

Here, stand back.

I wouldn't wear these for driving if I were you.

Why not?

Well, she's stuck sausages up the fingers.

There's some statement in your scarf.

Stank kidney pudding, Jenny. Oh, lovely, lovely.

And there's some cheese in your cap.

Oh, you are a crafty one, you are. I've got to be. The inspector's getting

suspicious. I thought me being canteen staff, he might have me searched.

Good idea. I'll volunteer for the job. Yeah, me too. Look, I tell you what,

take this off. You have the other half. No, I'll take the old lot. I know the

territory, don't I? Get out of here. Who found it first? Get off. Get your hands

off. What?

Put that girl down. What do you think you're doing? Get back in the canteen.

Come on.

Now, get that butt out, will ya? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get the butt out, mate.

Father?

What's wrong with me, technically?

I think he needs haircut.

Oh, Mum.

Oh, this steak and kidney pudding's beautiful.

Oh, well, so it should be. Here, that's real steak and kidney. I could never

afford that. Not at the end of the week.

Do you mind?

I have already told you I'm not eating that. It's stolen.

Oh, Arthur, it's beautiful.

Smell it.

I don't want to thank you. He stole that from the canteen.

Oh, don't be dark. These are leftover steak and kidney puddings.

Eh?

Oh.

Oh, well, I didn't realise that.

I didn't know.

Do you mean you had those in the canteen yesterday?

No, they're left over from tomorrow.

Don't talk wet, mate. How can they be left over from tomorrow?

Well, our canteen goes very good at anticipating, see.

It shows it in the future.

It's thieving, mate. I'm not going to be a party to it.

I shall have some bread and tea.

Smells a bit funny.

Is this flavoured with something?

Yeah, they're all.

Oh, here we go.

How revolting.

Does everything we eat in this house have to be stolen?

Well, Stancer, don't be thrown away.

Here, come on, love.

Have a bit of nice steak and kidneys. No, no, no. No, thank you.

It's against my principles.

Your principles, you hypocrite. Here, blimey, what about this butter knife,

You knock this off.

Station Hotel Grimsby.

Oh,

that's different. That was the souvenir of our honeymoon.

In any case, it was Olive's idea to take that.

I remember walking out of the hotel with it when we left. My heart was thumping

and I was all excited.

Yeah, I bet that was the biggest thrill you had all the week.

I don't think we need that sort of talk. In any case, that's one small knife.

The amount of food you bring over out of the canteen, you might just as well

help yourselves off the shelf off the supermarket.

Oh, no, that would be stealing.

Anyway, they've got a detective watching.

Yes, do you know what? They caught two women last week with chickens stuffed up

their coats pretending to be pregnant.

Yes, they are very hot nowadays. Do you know last week they stopped me because

they said I had a suspicious bulge under my coat?

What was it? Her stomach.

Because my coat was too tight.

In any case, I don't care what you say.

I'm not eating those bacon kidney pies. They've been pinched. Oh, don't make me

laugh. You'll be laughing over the other side of your face, mate. Won't you, if

the law suddenly arrived at the front door? What are you talking about?

To erect the lot of you.

Receiving stolen property, mate.

Don't be stupid, mate. The law looks at the door now.

It'll take you five seconds to get there and into here.

And by that time, Oliver will have eaten the evidence.

Oh, thank God it's night time, mate. I'm starving.

You eating in the canteen today?

Well, I've got nine. It's Thursday. I'm dead skint. Well, I say skint. I've got

about five new pence left. Oh, blimey. With Susie, you'd be laughing, mate.

that, you'll get soup, steak and kidney pie, two veg, treacle tart, coffee, and

you'll still come out with tuppence chains.

That's what I mean. It's the canteen, isn't it? Go on, then.

Oh, blimey. Head's up.

Blake is here.

Hello, Susie, darling. Two hungry customers here.

Morning. Gladys, what do you want?

Bag us a mess twice, please.

Where's Susie?

She's gone, mate.

I finished her up this morning.

I tumbled what was going on all right.

You won't get round this one so easily, I'll tell you.

Lord, who was there?

Is that right, Inspector?

Yes, I love you.

She's just right for this job, she is.

Come here with marvellous references, you know.

Blimey, where did you get this one from? A woman's prison.

She was a wardress in Holloway.

How did you get hold of her?

He must have met her when he went to visit his mum.

Twenty -two. I'll part, Jack. I'm skinny.

Hey, all right.

Hey, all right.

Gosh, look, this is not much here, mate.

It's a fair portion for the money.

You carry on like that, my dear, you'll soon have the county back in profits

again.

Well,

that's done it for me, mate. How do you mean?

Well, I promised Mum I'd bring her home some grub tonight.

Well, it might still be all right.

With this one here, you must be joking.

Listen, everyone's got their price, mate.

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll chat her up for you.

Chat her up? What are you going to say to that one? You just leave it to me,

mate. All right, big head.

Gladys, darling.

Yes?

Me and my mate was just saying, you look a nice, friendly type. Do I?

Yeah, a bit like the last girl we had here. I mean...

She was a right cracker and all.

Oh. Yeah, well, then, she used to look after us, you know, give us a few bits

grub that was left lying around in the kitchen.

Oh. Of course, we'd pay a bit for it and allowed to see she had a good time.

Like what?

Well, you know.

Anyway, the point is, she promised my mate a leg of lamb and some sausages for

this evening, but he's a bit too shy to ask.

Like him over there?

Yeah.

All right, mate.

Ah, yes.

Oh, do you think he fancies me then?

Well, yes.

But don't tell him I told you so, will you? No.

Well, I can't give him anything now, but tell him to come to the back room at

three o 'clock.

I'll find something for him. Yeah, right.

I knew you'd be OK.

Here, you're going to enjoy working here.

All right, mate, it's fixed.

Yeah.

You've got to go round the back room at three o 'clock and pick up the stuff,

right? Yeah.

Great. Marvellous. Of course, she, naturally, she'll be expecting

Yes.

Well, then, did you fix up what I've got to give her?

Well, no, not exactly, but I promise you it won't cost you much money.

That's my mate.

Gladys, it's me, Stan.

You know, Jack fixed it for me.

You there?

Oh.

Hello. You were expecting me? Oh, yes, I've been looking forward to it.

Oh, good.

Well, come on in.

Oh, yeah, all right, yes.

Oh, I see you've got the stuff then.

Oh, yeah, I picked out the best leg and some sausages.

Thanks, love. Thanks, love.

You don't have to bolt the door.

I don't want anyone coming in.

No, it's all right. I'll stash the stuff in my overcoat, see?

Not because of that.

You know.

Oh, the money. The money. Yeah, of course. I forgot that. No, I...

Pay you naturally, you know. And Gladys, I want you to know this, that I'm very

grateful. Show me how grateful.

Oh.

Ah, now. Now, come on. We've got till four o 'clock.

You've only come in here for a leg of lamb.

For ten years, I worked in that prison with nothing but women.

That's why I changed my job. Wait a minute.

Now, come on, you don't have to be shy. Look, we're wasting time.

Your friend said you fancied me.

I? And I fancy you.

Miss, you there, missy.

I've got a query here about your insurance card.

Gladys, please.

Please, Gladys, please.

Be sensible.

You can carry on like this.

Please, please, please.

Please, give us a break.

Give us just a bit.

Oh, no, no, don't do that.

Oh, don't take her out of the way.

Don't take her out of the way.

You're not only coming here for one thing. No, I won't.

I won't.

Get off that. Get off of me.

You can't make me mad, have you, mate?

What's the matter with you? You don't understand, do you? No, no, you don't

know. Blake, you don't understand. It's not what you think. No, no.

I'll tell you that. You'll get the sack for this. No, no.

It wasn't his fault. I tempted him.

I led him on.

I always knew you weren't a great successful lover

and all that all the time, but...

You know, I've got to get a bus out.

I've got to get a bus out.

Oh,

I see.

Been doing your conjuring tricks again, haven't you?

I gave him that, Inspector, for love.

I lured him.

Is that right, Butler?

Well, yeah, I suppose you could say that.

Oh.

You gave him a leg of lamb and a couple of parlor sausages for his body.

He ain't worth a couple of pen of neck and scrag.

I wouldn't say that.

Go on, get out of it.

I don't know.

You'd corrupt anyone, you would, Butler, honestly. I don't know what...

I'll have to get someone to run this canteen who's completely sexless. Yeah.

Why don't you run it yourself?

Oh, dear.

Poor old Gladys. She didn't last very long, did she? One of the old blackies

in the canteen today, then. Well, whoever it is, she must be an

Yeah, let's go and have a butcher's dinner.

Well,

what's all this, then?

The management's decided to do away with female help in the canteen.

It was all my idea, actually.

We'll replace women with machines.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

Go on, mate.

Exert your fatal charms on them, go on.

I suppose we're better, Jack. Go on. Put your money in there, mate. See if

you're going to double help me out of that.

You've got the machine?

What's the matter with it? It won't take my money.

It's got more sense than humans, hasn't it?

Inspector Blade?

Yes, yes. I've been sent from the vending machine company. I'm here to

your machine.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yes.

No, it's not, miss. No, it's not, miss. This machine keeps rejecting my money.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Just a minute.

Here you are.

Hey, Stan.

It's going to be very nice having a pretty bird around while we're eating

grub, isn't it? I hope the machines go wrong often, darling.

I'm afraid your coin was a bit bent. It rejects bank coins. Did you want a pie?

Yes, please.

Meat pie, please, love.

Meat? Here.

Take these with a compliment to the company.

No trouble with bank coins. Just you get in touch with me.

I'm sorry for you there, Charlie.

I tell you...

mate, when we've eaten these, how about going in the machine shop and start

bending some coin?