All language subtitles for On The Buses s05e05 The epidemic

Good thing.

Yeah, this flu epidemic's getting a bit
much, mate, isn't it?

It says here it has been identified as
Hong Kong flu.

Hong Kong flu?

How'd it get here?

Our preference, mate. Gets in duty free.

It says here that Hong Kong flu only
lasts for a couple of weeks.

Yeah, I can believe that. Just like that
Hong Kong transistor set I bought.

It says here that the first time

you have to go straight to bed.

Well, that suits me.

The trouble is, she hasn't given me the
sign yet.

Who are you talking about?

Sandra, dear.

Oh, she's a cracker, ain't she, eh?

Boy, I don't know how I fancy her. Yeah,
well, you're wasting your time, mate.

Forget about it.

She only fancies him. Do you know, he
spends every penny he's got on her.

Yeah. I can believe that. He doesn't
spend it on a haircut.

God, I still fancy her, though, don't
you? Oh, marvellous. You know, because

she's my type, see? Yeah, well, he's
just her type.

Ah, forget it, mate. You don't stand to
catch up with Neil. No, I suppose not.

He's very lucky, though, isn't he?
Because he's got her as Clippy on his

you see.

Ah, so you're fed up with me, are you?

I was just taming it ten years with me,
now you want someone younger.

No, you idiot.

No, look, look.

Yeah, you never give me a bit of choccy
like that.

Not likely. With choppers like that,
mate, you'd have my fingers all... Yeah,

talk and a bite, then here comes
Dracula.

What's all that about, Blackie?

Thanks for the very serious emergency.

Oh, yeah? What emergency is that? He's
just come out of his office.

We used to shut up.

We're getting so short of bus crews, the
management's decided to do something

about it.

All bus crews are going to be examined.

All those that are found to be fit are
going to get injections and other

treatment. All those found to be unfit
are going to be sent home out of it. Is

that a fact?

Oh, come over. I don't feel well yet.

I don't feel well at all. I don't look
good, do I? No, you look horrible.

No, no.

Blake, you do us a favour. Examine me,
mate, will you?

Examine you?

Not without a pair of rubber gloves,
mate.

I wouldn't come anywhere near your
horrible body.

Right. All yous on the first shift,
then. Come on.

As soon as you sign on, the nurse will
give you an ejection. Right. Just a

minute. How do we know that's safe? He's
going to be the first volunteer, then.

How do we know it's safe, then? Now,
don't talk stupid.

Look, as shop steward, I'm here to tell
you the inspector should be the first

volunteer. Aren't we there?

I'll have mine later. Now, you're on the
first shift. Come on.

Inspector, I do think you should set an
example. Oh,

very well, then.

All right, then. Take your jacket off.

Put it in my forearm, will you? No, no,
it's got to go in the fleshy part.

Do it over there then, nurse. No, no,
it's got to go in the muscle.

Don't, hey, Courtney!

He's got a tattoo on his arm, look. It's
all right, leave it alone.

Hurry up, will you? I've got to open the
vaccine.

He's got a bleeding arm.

We do leave all... No, no, turn it in,
it's very artistic.

Yeah, let's have a look.

Cheryl loves Elsie.

Thank you, we never knew.

It was all a mistake.

It could have been worse. It could have
been Cyril loves Ernie.

Now, will you let go?

No, no, thank you, seriously. What's all
that 1941 then? What happened then?

Oh, I was a foolish young soldier. I'm
sailing to the Far East.

Five years in Burma.

I left her behind on the quayside at
Liverpool.

She said she'd wait for me.

She didn't.

Well, blimey, five years is a long time
to wait on the Liverpool quayside, isn't

it?

Moron! Do you think I gave five years of
my life to make Britain a better place

to live in only to end up where you used
to?

If I'd have known then what I know now,
I'd have gone over the other side, I'll

tell you. That's all right, Nose. Go on,
stick it straight through his heart.

Will you two shut up?

I'm sorry, but you've moved.

Right, it's your day. Come on.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We don't have to go
through all that performance just

because the management want to keep us
working.

Suit yourself, mate. I'll tell you this.

The way things are going, them that stay
fit, they'll be getting all the

overtime they can do.

That's it, all right.

Anything for a few bob, mate? I don't
mind that at all, no.

I just went at the nurse. It breaks my
heart, you know that.

Just so you can get a lot of overtime,
nurses come here at the company's

to inject your feeble, unhealthy bodies
with that valuable vaccine free of

charge. Yeah, well, it may be free,
mate, but I tell you what, if I know

company... When this epidemic's over,
this nurse will be back to suck it all

back out again.

I'm not having it done, mate. Now, just
a minute. Do you mind?

This means a lot of overtime to me, and
I don't want you lot giving me the flu.

All I say is you ought to go and have
your injections.

I'm not having an injection, not after
the one I had last year.

Oh, no, she had a terrible time.

It was when that doctor gave her the
penicillin. He put the syringe so hard

there that he nearly lost the needle.

Blimey, the way you're built, I'm
surprised he didn't lose the syringe.

It's not funny.

I was so sore I had to sleep on my left
side and I couldn't turn over for weeks,

could I, Arthur?

No.

All I'm saying is you all ought to have
jabs.

Don't talk stupid.

They have not been proved to have any
effect whatsoever.

What are you talking about?

Look, mate, the only way to avoid flu is
to have a healthy body.

Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, you're
going to get it next.

You may scoff, mate, but I believe in
keeping myself healthy.

For what?

So that I am fit to resist any
infection.

Here, Stan.

Perhaps he's right.

Every morning, I bend over and touch my
toes 50 times.

You really? Now I know why all the air
fell out.

Look,

dear. Look. God, blimey, it marbles.
Everything she's going, she gets. Oh,

don't be silly. She's all right, ain't
she, love? Come on.

Have a second helping a trifle. Oh, no,
thanks, Mum. I'm not hungry.

No second helping?

Oh, blimey, she must be ill.

Oh, now, she's all right. Love, she's
very healthy.

She's just got a little chill on her
chest.

If she's got anything on her chest, it's
not little.

God, he's such a pig.

There, there, I told you. Ah, well, you
sure you're all right, love?

Here, damn.

Suppose she has got the flu?

Well, if she has got the flu, she should
go straight up the bed. Oh, I'm all

right. Oh, for God's sake, look, Olive,
have you got it or haven't you? Look,

mate, there's only one way to find out.
Let's take her temperature.

Oh, he's right, he's right. I'll get the
temperature out. Now, wait a minute,

it's here.

There you are, love.

Then we'll be sure.

My little olive's always had a very hot
body.

Not been my experience.

What are you doing?

What? You're supposed to suck it, not
chew it.

And it marbles. Everything she puts in
her mouth, she eats.

Oh, don't be daft. I know that. I'm
chewing a sweet.

Well, keep it still. You'll break it.

No, she may well have something.

I noticed last night you were very
restless.

So were you.

He was all up and for sparring in bed.

Well, you must have the flu, then.

Why? Well, he must have the flu.
Otherwise, no -one would run a reason

should be up and for sparring in bed, is
there?

I don't think we need any of your
offensive remarks, thank you very much.

Come on. It's all right now.

What are you doing with it? It's all
black.

This is the thermometer, you know, not a
dipstick.

Looks as if she's got sludge in her
thumb.

Oh, don't be so stupid.

I've been sucking some licorice because
my tummy's a bit squeezy. Oh, love, have

you got a tummy upset?

Come on. Shall I mum your tongue?

No, I mean, she looks as though she
needs a decoak.

Oh, don't be funny. My throat's hurting
as well.

Yeah, I told you she's got it.

Look, mate, if she has got the flu, her
tonsils will all be swollen up. Come

round here, sunshine.

Come on.

Open your mouth.

Has anyone got a torch? It's like
looking down a blackwall tunnel.

Say ah.

Ah.

Well, I can't see it. Where are her
tonsils?

Somewhere in the Royal Infirmary.

Well, that's where she had them at.

Now, Stan, don't joke.

Look, she's not well.

Well, if she's not well, all you lot
should have those anti -flu jabs. Oh,

talk wet. They're quite ineffectual,
mate.

It is a medical fact that there are over
2 ,500 varieties of flu.

Oh, blimey. If that's the case, then
Olive's got the luck.

Now, what'd I tell you? What'd I tell
you? Oh, damn, my poor little baby.

Oh, well, that's it, you know.
Definitely, Olive's got it. So I'm going

my second jab. Oh, yes, you don't want
to get it now, mate. You know, I reckon

we'll be making about 20 quid overtime
this week.

Yeah? Marvellous.

Oh, my God.

What's up now?

Now the bus crew gone down with the flu.
Well, it's not as bad as all that.

It is. I was hoping it was going to be
used to.

Now, that'll put you more on more
overtime, won't it? Break you my

honestly. Why?

Because you're the laziest, most
inefficient, uncooperative pair in the

depot and you're earning more money than
I am.

All right, it's a good old booster,
then.

Hello, who's there?

Well, where's your great big boyfriend,
then, darling?

Oh, him. Not as strong as he looked. We
were out together till late last night

and he hadn't reported for duty.

I can't understand it. Yeah, OK.

Well, I feel marvellous this morning.
Yeah, the birds always do.

Oh,

let me help.

Oh,

thanks, love. Thank you.

Do you know what I'm going to do for the
next couple of weeks? I'm going to be

bored to death.

Got any ideas, Stan?

Well, I'm beginning to get some.

Thanks.

Yeah, mate, she's available.

You know, I reckon if you can keep fit,
you'll be all right there.

You're right, Jack. I'm going to keep
fit.

I'm going to have my other jab now.

What are you doing?

You just had one. Ah, yeah. That was to
keep fit for overtime.

This one's to keep fit for her.

Mate, look, we're due back at the depot.
Blimey, I'm doing my best, mate, you

know. I've got three invalids up there.
They've all gone down with the flu now.

Yeah, well, don't worry about that.

I'll be working it out. With all the
blokes off, with all the overtime we're

getting, we're going to make about 50
quid apiece this week.

Hang on, I'll just serve this up for
them.

Oh, I'm doing my best!

Oh,

blimey, mate, if he's coming down here,
I'm off. Don't worry, I've taken all

precautions, mate. I'll make sure
they're not going to give me the flu,

Don't worry.

You look at this lot.

Yes. Yes, sir. They're not going to give
it to me, mate. No.

What's that you've got there, then?

Oh, it's a disinfectant.

Well, that's not going to kill the flu
buds, is it? It ought to. Kills all the

maggots in our dustbin.

Right. Hang on to that, mate.

Don't come any farther!

Stay there!

Hand it over to Bannister's.

My dear good man, we've got the flu, not
the bubonic plague.

Sit here, come on. Right.

I'll put your dinner on the stairs.

Blimey, mate, them clocks must be full
of germs. Don't worry, mate. I don't

touch anything they've had until I've
disaffected them.

Hold that cup there for me. Yeah, all
right.

See what I did?

Hold it, will you? Oh, blimey, what's
that you've got there, mate? Smells like

sheep dip.

Yeah, I reckon that's what it is. Where
did you get it from?

That's the stuff they clean the floors
of our buses with. Yeah, that's right.

I've just about had enough of these...
Get out!

Get up here straight away.

I have brought down the laundry.

My pyjamas are nighting. They've got to
go to the laundry.

They must be crawling with bugs.

Put it on there.

That's it.

How childish can you get? What are you
doing here?

Get up here. Go on. Arthur forgot my
vest.

Where was it? I was wearing it under my
nightie.

How working class.

That's it. Hold it there.

That's it.

Right,

now then. I'll take them to an orderette
some other time, but now you get up to

bed. Go on, then. Mother!

Olly, when are you?

What is your ma want now?

Yeah, there you are. I've been yelling
me lungs out for the last ten minutes.

You're sounding better, Mrs B.

Oh, no, I'm not laughing. I'm very weak.

Here. Where's my lunch? Well, there it
is. But now that you're all down here,

you can get it yourself.

What have you made us?

What is this muck?

Oh, you know the doctor said we had to
have boiled fish.

I haven't got no time to go out and buy
cod, have I?

So I boiled up some fish fingers.

You great lunatic! You can't boil up
something that's already half fried.

What do you mean can't? I've done it,
haven't I?

Oh, it looks horrible.

Well, at least you can drink the gravy.

Yeah, lovely. Fish finger soup.

Let the manager on your own. Me and
Jack's got to get back to work.

Open the door, Jack. Open the door.

Just get me Weibel off, Blankie. Do you
know what? It's a pleasure to come to

work, Jack, eh? At least everybody is
healthy.

Healthy?

Blimey, you spoke too soon.

Oh, blimey.

Lawrence of Arabia.

Has he got the flu, nurse?

I'm not sure. I think he's a borderline
case.

Yeah, well, we've known that for a long
time.

He's all right, except when there's a
full moon.

I heard that, you know.

Inspector, you'll need some more hot
water in there.

I expect it's only a touch of
bronchitis, but there's nothing like

for clearing the tubes.

Blimey, clearing the tubes?

With the smell of this, this'll clear
the buses at all.

Will you get up?

I told him to go home, but he won't go.

I'm keeping them buses running. It's the
last thing I do.

I'm the last inspector left, you know.

I know my duty to the public.

If I leave this depot, I'll have to be
carried out.

Yeah, well, that could easily be
arranged.

Will you get that bus out?

Yeah, all right, then. Sign me away,
Bill, then.

Get out.

There, Inspector.

Now, be very careful. It's boiling hot.
Oh, thanks very much, sir.

Go on, get out there.

We don't know what bus we're on. Oh, my
God. Don't you know nothing at all?

Where's mine?

Oh!

I get the

fair night, Vince.

Hard luck, Blakey. I tell you what,
you'd better put that ointment on

Get out!

Hello,

darling.

All right for the night? Sure, you all
right? Me, I'm as fit as a fiddle now.

Thank goodness, there's still some
healthy men around.

You silly, are you?

I'm not paying this double time to do
that, you know.

No, we're doing this for nothing.

All right, guys, see you at the
Rosencrantz at 7 o 'clock. Bye. Bye.

Get that blouse out.

All right, hot pants.

So anyway, there's old Blackie sitting
at his desk with his clipboard there

a bowl of hot water on it. He picks up
his clipboard, bowl of boiling hot water

all over him.

Yeah, I'll bet he got a shock.

I'll tell you what, he got a bigger
shock when the nurse put the ointment

He might be able to sit down for the
fortnight.

Come on then, let's have a bite to eat,
shall we?

Sandwiches, dear.

Sandwiches? Darling, with the overtime
we're getting, we are going to have

oysters. Oysters, you too, we are.

Blimey, you're a pretty dozen.

That's all right, it's worth every
penny, isn't it?

Mate, could we have a dozen oysters
each, please? And another round of black

velvet. That's better, that's better.

Just go to the loo first. Come in early.

I'll see you there. Down below, darling,
will you?

Oh, mate, get a dozen oysters down there
and what? We'll be laughing.

Hey, are you feeling all right?

Me? Yeah, yeah, of course. Oh, yes. It's
just a bit hot in here, isn't it? No,

it's not.

Does she feel hot? No.

I do.

It's made me go all sort of giddy like,
you know.

Open the window for us, Jack, will you,
mate? Yeah.

What's the matter? Got no legs?

Don't be daft, mate.

Here. You haven't got the flu, have you?

Me? No!

Hey, listen, you don't think I'm going
to miss this, do you? Oh,

that's him, mate. That's him.

He's on.

Lovely. That's all right.

I'll take them off.

Go on, mate, now, do your power of good.
Go on, get one of these down here.

Look, there's a beauty.

Go on.

As a matter of fact, Jack, I don't fancy
it right now.

I feel a bit queasy, you know. What's
the matter?

It's cold in here, isn't it?

No, it's not.

I'm freezing.

Oh, but your teeth are chattering.

Here, look, mate. You'd better go home.
You've got it, haven't you? Oh, don't

be.

I'll tell you something, mate. I'm not
missing this. Oh, here they come. That's

it, darlies. All right, then? Oh,
lovely.

Cheers, darling.

All commonstack.

What's that noise?

What? Open wide.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's lovely the way they sit down.

They're alive when you swallow them, you
know.

Well, as a matter of fact... Oh, they're
very good for you. Oh, you're all

right, aren't you? Yes, of course I am.
All right, that's wonderful.

Thanks very much, sir.

Oh, well, there goes everybody.

Smashing. Isn't that great? Yeah, great.
Give Stan another. Go on.

Come on, Stan.

Well, no, if you don't mind, I... Oh,
they're very good for you.

You know what I mean? Oh, look, there's
a big juicy one. Well, that's it.

Pick that one out.

Go on, get them down, mate.

I've got to go.

Is that Blakey come in there?

Look.

Oh, isn't that great?

You must be saying things, mate. It's
nothing like you.

You know, the last time I was in here,
the evening was with Brian. The night he

went down with Flo.

Oh, it was awful.

Do you know what?

We're all hot and cold. Diddy. Tea's
starting to show. We're all hot and

He could understand.

Betsy. Take half of the pepper on that
table stand we ran out.

OK, love you.

All right, mate.

Yeah, I'm all right.

I hate you!

I hate you!

Oh, bloke, it must be the pepper.

Sprout for your germs. And use your
hanky.

What's that?

He's got oysters in his hanky.

Yeah, well, I was saving them up for
later on.

Oh,

God.

Oh, blimey, you're right, Jack.

I've got the right dose of the flu.

Oh, God, and I feel awful.

I'm sorry, darlings.

I'll let that go on. Sorry.

Oh, Dan. Well, that's tight, isn't it?

Hang on.

Sorry, mate.

Look, you're going to be all right on
your own, are you? Yeah, I can manage,

mate. Don't worry. Well, I mean, you
know, it's a bit awkward. I can't sort

leave the birds, can I?

I'm ashamed to waste all the oysters,
isn't it? Oh, I understand, mate. Go

and enjoy yourself, mate. Oh, look, I
can't let you go. I'm on your own.

I didn't think you could. You're a pal,
mate.

No, I'll get you a minicab.

Here, mate.

Someone can phone for a cab, is there?
I'm afraid they're not answering, sir.

All the drivers have got flu.

Oh, blimey. Look, I tell you what. If
the number 14 passes the end of the

get that to the high street and catch
the number 11. Forget it, mate.

I tell you what. I'm too ill to wait for
one of our buses.

It's only three miles. I'll walk.

I hate you!

You go and enjoy yourself. I hate you!

I hate you!

I might have...