Original subtitles

On the buses, Programme 3, production number 0755, recording date 2771, take

Look at them.

Blimey. Good job they're getting married tomorrow.

They're planning their honeymoon.

Planning it? As long as it looks like they're having it.

It's a brave bloke, you know, marrying the Inspector's niece.

Yeah. Talk about the Express's niece.

Here comes Hitler.

I want a word with you about that. Oh, I'm sure I want a word with you.

Shut that up right away, I'll tell you. Shut up.

I'm up to here as it is, I tell you.

I certainly made a mistake letting my niece work in a bus depot.

I wouldn't have known it would end in disaster.

What's the matter?

She's marrying a busman. That's what's wrong, mate.

What's the matter with that?

He's dim. All busmen are dim. And he's about the dimmest one out of the lot of

them. Bill, he's not dim.

He must be dim.

Look what he's done.

He's made you his best man.

You? Why you?

He must be mad.

Have you ever been a best man before, have you?

No. Oh. Well, you'll find I make a mess up of it, won't you?

How can you do the job properly?

Don't worry about me doing the job properly, mate. You want to worry about

He's never been married before.

No, but let's face it, he's got one over on you. I'll bet he's had a few

rehearsals.

Oh,

right, send her down. We're only joking.

I'll tell you what, Blake, you've got nothing to worry about. 10 .30 tomorrow

morning, I'll have him at St Michael's Church.

Yeah.

I will do that, won't you, butler?

Yes, I will.

Yeah, yeah. Quick, they're getting married at St. Father's this evening.

I always get those two mixed up. You watch it tomorrow morning, butler.

I'm going to be at that church, you know. I'm giving the bride away.

Yeah, you ought to be good at that, Blackie. I mean, you've shopped enough

blokes in your time.

Go on, have a good laugh, go on.

You know your duties, don't you?

Duties? No.

I'm going to be the best man tomorrow, getting married tomorrow morning.

You'd better study this list. You're responsible for arranging for the

transportation for the guests, making the speech, proposing the toast, reading

the telegrams, carrying the luggage and organising the photos. You'd better

study that. For this lot? Yes.

I mean, no wonder the bridegroom has to have the best man.

God, if you had to do this lot, it'd be too tight to do anything else.

Isn't it exciting, Uncle? We won't be seeing one another again till we meet at

the church.

Yeah. Hey, got me things for the night, then. Ta -ra. Ta -ra.

What's he got his things for the night for?

Well, he's coming home with me, isn't he?

Me and Jack and a few of the other drivers, we're taking him out on his

night bachelor party.

Oh. Yes, we're going down to the red line, Victor.

I promise you, Blakey, we'll have him out of there before nine o 'clock,

Jack? Oh, yes, we'll have to be, because at 9 .15 we're meeting the maintenance

lads at the three horseshoes. Oh, right.

No, no, no, Blakey, we'll only be there half hour. Yeah, because at ten o 'clock

we're meeting the darts team down at the green men.

You've got to be paranoid, haven't you? Yeah.

Yeah.

You won't get him to the church tomorrow, mate. You won't get him

what happened? My poor niece would be spending a wedding night in a row,

wouldn't she? Oh, no, no, Blakey. I mean, that's up to you, isn't it? Rule

If the right man doesn't turn up, it's up to you to provide a relief substitute

on the job.

I think Jack, even if he was the only boy in the world, the state he's in, he

couldn't do nothing about it.

He is enjoying himself, isn't he? Yeah, it's a good night though, isn't it?

Bill, son, here.

Is he all right, do you think? We'd better sober him up a bit. Yeah, that's

That's what we've got to do. What are we going to do then? Tell you what, a

couple of raw eggs.

Raw eggs?

Eggs, raw eggs.

Have you ever seen a chicken walking about sloshed?

Put it in something. Put it in something. You're funny, Jack. That's

That's funny. Put it in something.

Yeah, we'll put it in there. It's full of milk. You can't put it in there.

This is good. This is good. Say what?

Put him in there. You might have saved me a drop.

Go on, crack a leg in there. Oh, I'll crack one in there.

What's the matter with you, Sloss?

It's too hard. There's nothing to do with me, mate. It was one of them soft

shellings, wasn't it?

I'll do it properly this time. Just speak, you know. Gently.

Gently does it. Crack it like that.

And you go... Put it in the mouth. That's no good. That's no good.

I'll do it. I'll do it. Yeah, I'll do it. I'll do it.

I'll do it. All right. Kiss another one. Kiss another one. All right.

Jack, Jack, I'll tell you what, son.

It's the quickness of your hand that deceives the eye.

You see, you take the egg, nobody got my sleeve, and you take...

That's good, that's good. That's a good trick, isn't it? Oh, I know, yeah, I

know. No, no, properly, properly.

Get them out of the way, chuck them out of the way. Now, gently, gently does it.

Now, that's beautiful, isn't it? Now, I never broke this out, this egg, did I?

Wait a minute, you've got a bit of shell in there. That's nothing, that's

nothing. Get that out easy, Steve.

No, they're blunt.

Pull it up to the top, and as the bits come past, I can get hold of them, see?

Right.

And I've got the shell out.

Well, now get it back in the glass.

Wait a minute, I've got a better idea. What?

Let's get him over here and make him lick it up.

It's all funny when you've had a few, you know, Jack. I haven't had any.

I'll get it. I'll put it back. Don't worry.

Listen, I'll get one of them scrapers.

Have you got one?

Yeah, I've got this one.

Never mind, I'll get it out.

I'll put that back later, see?

Get it out. Hold it. Get it out.

Right.

Put it out there.

You see, Jack, this is what's called giving me hand.

If I put it... Yeah, put it inside.

OK.

Now, I'll put all this lot out.

Keep it still. Don't move it.

Right.

What did you do that for?

Jim,

I'm showing you a little consideration.

There are people trying to sleep in here.

Sorry, Art. Sorry, yeah. And what's wrong with him?

Well... What's wrong with...

Fuck, I'm trying to... It's good for the feet. It's roaring.

Hey, yeah.

Well, get me a cloth. Get me something to clean it off with. No, no. No, no,

Don't wipe it off.

Wipe. Then tomorrow morning, you can go to work on an egg.

and you're angry.

Arthur, you shouldn't have come down without your slippers.

I'm well aware of that.

Oh, what happened?

They've been throwing eggs about.

No, we haven't, no.

See, oh, we were trying to make a sort of hangover cure.

Did it work?

Not when you're treading it.

Will you shut up?

You're supposed to be the best man. I mean, look at him.

My groupie's supposed to be getting married in the morning.

Oh, dear.

Will he be all right?

Of course he will.

Of course he won't. You've filled him full of drink, haven't you? No, I

at all, no.

I don't know why it's like that. Arthur, listen, I gave him about half a dozen

scotches. Scotches? Yeah.

I was buying him gins.

I told him she's bright.

I'm not about drunk. He must have the DTs.

Don't be so rude.

I'm going up to bed.

You know I look terrible in the morning when I'm woken up in the middle of the

night. You look terrible every morning.

She must be woken up every night.

It must be more like a new offer than I thought.

I think we can all do without your offensive remarks, thank you.

On it.

Up to bed.

Did it hurt?

Where do you get your drunken friend out of here?

Watch this guy, mate.

No,

don't. He always turns a bit snotty when he... Come on, let's get him in the

front room. I'll give you a hand. Put him on the couch. Come on, then.

Go on, boy.

You're all right now. We got you.

Oh.

Just a minute, Jack. What's the matter?

Oh, I've gone giddy now.

Do you think you're going to be able to get him to the church in the morning?

The way I feel, I'll be lucky if I get him in the parlour tonight.

Here.

How long's your friend Bill going to be?

I don't know. He's in the bathroom getting ready, isn't he?

Well, look at the time. We're going to be late for the wedding.

You're with Arthur.

Arthur!

Oh,

brother, I've got a rotten edge, you know. Take it, E .T.

a nice bit of breakfast, streaky bacon, sausages and a nice lump of fried bread.

Take it away, Mum, please.

Oh, but love, I cooked it special.

I'll have it.

How long's that friend of yours going to be in that bathroom?

He's been in there over half an hour already.

He's getting married today, you know. He's entitled to have a bath and cut his

toenails, isn't he?

Well, you can't tell him.

A man must have a good soak on his wedding day.

I remember your dad came straight from the public bath to the altar.

Whenever I smell carbolic soap, it always reminds me of my wedding night.

Well, I mustn't get sentimental.

Oh, Mum, as it's Bill's wedding day, do you think he'd like to borrow my talcum

powder? Oh, no!

Why not?

Arthur did on our wedding day.

Why don't you think what?

sexy beast.

I'm always put on talcum every night.

It's what I need to. Don't I have to kill the smell of your chuglay night?

Well, you can be rude. I wasn't being nice. You shut up!

Gordon, if Billy is you two, I'll never get him to the church.

I know he's a blushing, bright groom this morning.

Are we going to actually see him at the ceremony?

Or is he still in a state of intoxication?

He'd be all right when he's had a bath and had a bit of breakfast. I'll get

don't worry.

Oh, I've made his breakfast. It's all spoiling. I think I'd better give him a

call. I think

I heard him coming.

I'm over here, Bill, son.

I don't think I... I don't think I'm going to pass by.

Yeah, make me one as well while you're there, will you?

I thought you said he was all right.

He's incapable.

It's your father's done it most probably. It does make people dizzy. Oh,

worry, love. All you've got to do is get into the church.

Have you got the ring?

He's bound to have forgotten that.

Oh, no, I haven't, clever dick.

I put it on my little finger last night so I wouldn't forget it.

The clever boy. Now, all you've got to do is... Make your speech and see them

off. Oh, God, that's it. I've forgotten it. Speech, speech.

I haven't even rehearsed it. Oh, no.

Well, I don't know. Here.

I wonder if it sounds all right. Mum, listen to this. Listen to this.

Arthur, stop stuffing your face. Listen.

See what you think of it. Right. And Bill.

Ladies and gentlemen.

That's nice.

I'm starting, Jack.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Before I propose to help of the lucky couple, as Bill's friend and best man, I

must say how lucky Sally is to have found herself such a fine, upstanding...

As you see, they are a very

well -matched couple.

Why, is the bride going to be plastered and all?

Will you belt up?

And I'm sure...

All the girls here are envying Sally and wondering how she managed to meet Bill.

Probably tripped over him in the gutter.

No, no, no, that's not very nice. Now, go on, love, come on.

Shut up, you.

I know, I know, you will want to join me in wishing them many, many years of

happiness.

And good luck in the long, uncertain journey that lies ahead of them. No.

They're going to use one of your buses, aren't they?

Don't speak to me like that. You must wish them good health.

Well, it doesn't do any good. They wished Arthur and me good health on our

wedding day. And then he had to have his operation.

I don't know why you have to keep bringing that up.

It was months before you were right. The hospital was full up. I was kept

waiting eight months.

You weren't the only one.

I'm going to stay easy and these brides are going to be waiting eight months at

all. Oh, Stan, look at the time.

We'll be late to the wedding. Here, get him up. Come on.

I've been waiting outside there in the front of the church with my niece like

idiot. Because she thought she'd been jilted.

Come on.

Where's the bridegroom?

You've left him behind, haven't you?

Oh, my, don't you forget something.

What have you done to him?

I knew I should never have allowed you to be the best man.

What's the matter with me? It's all right.

All right? Look at the style of him, look.

I can't allow my niece to be led down the aisle to him looking like that. What

does he look like?

Well, compared to this morning, he's a great improvement.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, no.

Forgive me, Reverend. I didn't realise you were standing behind me there.

Obviously. Well, has the bridegroom arrived?

Yes, he's here, Bill.

He can pick us here.

I see.

Well, we can't wait any longer. I've got another wedding in half an hour.

Well, we're not all that late.

Late? Late.

The organist has played your music three times.

Now, will you all come this way, please? Right, thanks.

Are you the best man?

Yeah, why?

Well, please, have the ring ready. Oh, yes. Now, come along, everyone.

The ring.

You've lost it, haven't you?

No, I haven't lost it. I put it on my little finger last night so I wouldn't

forget it.

Well, thank God that you managed to do one thing properly then. Now, come on,

let's get out and round the fight then. Right, we can all go now. Yeah, come on.

No, we can't. Sit down.

What's the matter?

Well, I can't get it off.

It's funny.

It went on easier than up last night, Arthur.

It is a well -known fact that one's joints swell up in the morning,

after excessive drinking.

Oh, shut up. It keeps digging into me. Well, come on, hurry up. The vicar's

waiting out there. I know he is, but he's stuck in it.

Oh, my God, that's all I need.

He needs his wedding called off just because your little finger gets swollen

Come here, let me have a go.

Be careful.

Be careful.

Be careful.

Put the finger off. It's good, mate. At least I'll get the ring off.

It needs lubricating.

Lick it.

I'm not licking his finger. Not you, you bastard.

Oh, look what you've done. You've made it swell up even more now. Are you

or aren't you? Yes, we're coming, Victor. Yes, we're coming.

Come on, do something, butler.

Please, don't get married without a wedding ring.

I'll never forgive you for this. I won't, honestly. I won't.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it, Blakeney. Mum, Mum, let me show

us. Oh, here. I can't. I haven't had my wedding ring on for 25 years.

Here, but Ollie can get hers off. Yeah, that'll do. That'll do. Oh, I don't

know. Come on.

Give me half of it. Give me a big half of it.

Oh, come on.

It's you going in. Come on. Come on, Phil. I'm all right. He's feeling better

now. He's all right. He's feeling better now. Oh, and it's sweet. Your ring.

Oh, I hope it does as much for his wedding as it's done for you and Arthur.

for the blessing and he couldn't get up.

Fresh air inside him.

That's it. Lovely, thank you. Right then.

Everybody blacken the red line for the reception.

Go on.

Better get the bus stuff fresh at the wedding.

Yeah, yeah, it's good, isn't it? He laid it on for his niece.

Come on, get on, then.

Come on, then, Bucks. Don't get the bus away. It's Charles 1243. Look at that,

look. Well, he got married after all, didn't he, Blakey?

Yes, yes, he got married, yeah.

Here, what about that ring? My Sally will want that, you know.

Oh, yeah.

Here, the swelling's going down, I do believe.

With a bit of spit, this shall come off, Blakey.

They are not. It's moving.

Oh!

Oh, you've got it all. You've got it all.

Ah, well done, mate.

We'd drop you off at the hospital.

What will I do? What will I do?

Don't worry, boy. They'll get it out for you.