All language subtitles for On The Buses s05e01 The nursery

What's that, mate?

No, I just put one out, mate. Here,
come, let's go and have a cup of tea.

Here, Sam.

Look, Dave, open the nursery for the
clippish kid.

Ah, it's a daft idea that he's having
babies in the depot.

No, it's not.

That's so that the young married
clippers can come back to work.

Well, our clippish coffee, you must be
joking, lazy lot.

Most of them got in the pudding club so
they wouldn't have to work.

Which way's the nursery?

Oh, it's through that door, love, and
along the corridor.

Corridor? Oh, dear, I'm going to be late
on duty.

Oh, don't worry, duck, we'll give you a
hand. Oh, he's heavy, isn't he?

Hey, he's gorgeous, isn't he? Is he
yours?

Yeah, lovely.

Hello, darling.

He's a beauty, isn't he? Now, look, this
is it.

I hope the nurse is nice.

Nurse?

Oh, blimey, some of them nurses are hot
stuff, mate. I used to go out with one

man. Oh, they know everything.

Do they? Yeah.

Oh.

What do you want?

Well, if this one knows everything,
she's been keeping it a secret.

We've brought this baby in, nurse. Oh,
not another one. Yeah.

Well, all right, you'd better bring him
in. Yeah, all right.

What do I hear with the others? Yeah,
he's a gorgeous one.

Hello. I'm a dash, I'm due out.

I've put his feeding chart on the cot.

Bye, darling.

Morning,

sister.

What you two layabouts doing in here?

They helped me bring baby up, Inspector,
cos I'm going on duty.

Oh, well, you'd better hurry along then,
lovey. Come on.

It's working, then, I see, sister, eh?
More and more of the Clippers are

bringing their babies up here.

It's all my idea, you know. Yeah.

I see you've brought your two with you.

Hey, they take after their farmer, don't
they?

No, not quite.

Blakely hasn't got a tail.

He's got one, but he keeps it tucked in.

You two shut up and get out of the way.
I've been getting some stuff for the

sister here.

Did you bring the baby oil?

Yes, I didn't. Forget it, sister. Here
you are.

I told you to bring a big bottle. That's
useless.

Oh, well, I'd better check this.

Late arrival, eh? Now, let's see.

Arrived at depot 12 .25.

I mean, it's a baby, not a bus.

They all have to be checked. There's no
difference.

Yes, well, you see, he's very thorough,
you see, Jack, yes. We should stick to

regulations, mate.

I'll just check to see if that one up
the end wants some air and water.

I think he's got a bit too much air
pressure.

This one here's got a radiator leak.

Will you two shut up?

You stupid man, you've woken the baby.

It's not my fault, sister.

Perhaps it needs feeding or something.

Inspector, you look after your buses and
I look after the babies.

I'll feed it when I've got time. I can't
manage everything.

And where's that helper? I told you that
I wanted a helper. Now, where is she?

Yes, well, it's a little difficult, you
see, about this, sister, because we

can't get the right type of girl, you
see.

They don't want to do the job, actually.

Anyway, I'll put a notice up about it.

Come on, mate.

Here, here, you know what I've been
thinking?

That job would suit Olive.

Or your sister. Oh, she knows nothing
about babies. I mean, she can't do

anything properly.

No, you're right. No, because if she
did, she'd have killed herself, wouldn't

she? Yeah, mind you.

Perhaps she could learn.

Don't be daft. She's been married nine
years.

No, you burk. Learn to look after
babies. Tell her what your mother could

her what to do.

It's ten quid a week part -time.

Yeah, why not?

Oh, no, Stan.

I don't think I could manage it. What do
you think, Arthur?

Ridiculous. I've always maintained
you're quite incapable of looking after

children. Well, please yourself.

Good, I thought you'd be grateful.

I mean, let's face it.

She's getting ten quid a week.

Eh?

Oh.

Oh, well, on second thoughts, you may as
well give it a try.

I mean, after all, modern babies are
very tough, aren't they?

Of course they are. They're as tough as
nails, aren't they, Mum? Yes.

Do you remember when you let me hold
Olive when she was a baby?

Oh, yes.

I dropped her on her head.

Oh, no, it was awful.

It's a wonder she's grown up into such a
lovely, healthy girl.

I mean, it might have affected her in
all sorts of ways.

How bright you are.

Well, nothing much. You sort of look
after the babies in general and sort of

change their nappies.

Change their nappies? Oh, I couldn't do
that.

Oh, that's the trouble with you modern
girls.

None of you want to have anything to do
with babies.

You're too busy sitting around the house
looking sexy and glamorous.

Well, it's not my fault.

How can I know about babies when I've
never had one?

Well, that's what I mean in the old
days. They believed in big families.

Here, Arthur, do you know what?

Her granny had 16 children.

Really? Yes.

They tried to have one at least once a
year.

Did they? Yes.

That's about what Harper does.

Will you shut up?

I've never handled a baby before. I
wouldn't know what to do.

Well, now, my love, I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a few lessons after

supper.

Dear loves, look what I've found. Oh,
it's my old dolly. Yes, I found it in

cupboard. Here, I thought it'd do for
Olive to practice putting a nappy on a

baby. What a smashing idea.

I used to love my dolly. Ah, yes.

Do you remember, Stan?

She used to sleep with that doll every
night till she married Arthur.

I bet she found more light than the
doll.

I'm a little tired of your offensive
remarks. Oh, now, now. He was only

If I press the dolly in the right place,
I can get the squeaker to work.

I told you it had more light than you.

Now, look, mate.

Oh, now, now.

Here, Oliver, tell you what. Pretend
this is a nappy and practice in putting

on the baby.

Oh, all right. Now, look what you do,
love, here. You get this, a three

piece like that. See? There. Now lay the
baby on it.

That's it.

You're supposed to be putting it on his
bum, not his head.

Give us a chance.

a nappy on it, not teaching it judo.

Well, it's not easy because the ends
don't meet.

That's it, isn't it?

You can't do that to a kid.

Give us in here.

I mean, even a baby can't get in that
position.

Just so happens that I was practising my
yoga.

Oh, that's right.

Oh,

there, that's it, isn't it? No, love,
no, that's not it. Look, you've

to put the oil on. Eh?

Look, before you put a nappy on, you've
got to rub baby oil in all the little

creases. What creases?

Well, all babies have creases, love.
Then you grow up and fill out, and the

creases go away.

Olive's didn't.

She filled out and got another lot, see?

I have not.

Anyway, I'm not taking the nappy off now
to put the baby oil on.

Well, you don't have to with that one,
do you? Eh? Well, you just pour it

through the hole in the middle of his
back here.

Then instead of the oil being on the
outside working its way in, it'll be on

inside working its way out, see?

Do you know what I've been thinking?

What? It's a pity when the hole made
like that.

Oh, how revolting.

No, it's not. No, if we all had a hole
in the middle of our back... Anything

that went wrong with us, all we'd have
to do is to take off that inspection

plate and have a shifty inside to see
what's wrong.

What a ghastly thought.

It's not a ghastly thought, mate. If you
had a hole in the middle of your back,

you wouldn't have needed your operation.

I don't see what my operation has to do
with this. So the doctor could have

peered inside and see if you was
functioning properly.

I was functioning perfectly all right.
No, you weren't. I remember the first

year we were married. Will you shut up
about that?

Olive's had to look after babies.

Look, she's got a fair idea how to put a
nappy on. That's all she'll need to

know. Well, no, it isn't, love. She's
got to learn how to bring the wind up

after it's had a feed.

How do I do that?

God, everybody knows that.

Look, Olive, all you have to do, you
take hold of the baby, put it over your

shoulder like that, and just tap it
gently on its back.

There, you see?

Ah, my little Olive. Used to be
something awful with the wind.

A little stomach would all fill up and
she'd go all red in the face.

She hadn't changed much.

That is such a pig.

Now, look, take the baby, put it over
your shoulder and pat it gently. And

take no notice of him. Oh, well, he
shouldn't be so rude.

Oh, well, never mind, love.

That won't happen with a real baby.

With her in charge, I'm not so sure.

Good morning, Blackie.

I see you've bashed that bollard in the
high street again.

More complaints from the council, eh?

Look at that, look. You must have bashed
that blooming bollard right over this

time. Yeah, well, not to worry. Come
over here.

See that?

I bashed it straight on the way back.

Typical, isn't it, eh?

No regard for the buses at all, have
you? Well, if you put it in maintenance,

they'll soon fix it, you know. Duh. By
the way, Blackie, how's my sister

on in the nursery?

Well, I only hope the gawd she's looking
after them babies a bit better than you

are the buses, mate.

Well, there you are again. If she
happens to drop one, nibble it in the

maintenance and have the bumps knocked
out.

Here, come on, let's go and see how
she's getting on, Jack. If you're going

there, you can take that cot up there
for me.

What, you're going to beddy -bye -byes,
are you?

Twit. I'm collecting all that stuff up
for the nursery, ain't I?

In the last two weeks, I've had to go up
that baby shop up the road and get six

cots. Gawd, they must think you're hell
of a goer.

Get that cot up there. All right, all
right. Go on, Jack.

Ernest. What do you two want?

The inspector told us to bring this cot
in here.

Well, I can't put it up. You'd better do
it.

Well, we can't do it. We're going to
have our lunch. Put it in that corner

don't argue.

Yeah, OK.

Oh, well, how you getting on, love?

Oh, well, I changed all their napkins
like I did on my dolly, and I've made

bring up wind.

Have you?

Well, I'd better see if they've still
got their heads on.

They're all right, love, don't worry.

You're so silly, eh? Well, those men are
putting the cot up for me. I can't do

it. It's not my job.

Oh, very well, then.

Well, hurry up about it, will you?

Yeah, well, here I am.

How did it go?

Oh, look at that. Bless him, look.

Oh, isn't he lovely?

He's a lovely little fellow, isn't he,
eh?

What's up with him, then?

You all make your faces at him.

I was only smiling at him, what do you
call that?

Leave that baby alone.

Yeah. Here, I'll play with my pencil.

Take your hand away.

I'm responsible for that child's health.
Anything he touches should be

sterilised. Ah, he's all right there. He
qualifies for that.

All right, sister, I won't touch him
then.

Very well.

And don't lean too close over the cot. I
don't want you breathing germs all over

him. Oh, for goodness sake, sister, I'm
not doing any harm.

Ridiculous. I wasn't breathing over him
at all. I was just leaning over him like

that. Yeah, but let's face it, Blake,
there's a lot of funny things fall out

your moustache.

Will you two shut up and get out? It's a
quarter to one, come on.

Quarter to one? Yeah.

Oh, that's my lunch hour.

Well, you're not going to lunch and
leaving the babies, are you, sister?

Certainly I am.

I have to eat, you know.

I've shown my assistant what to do.

Olive, the feeds are all ready and I'll
be back at two o 'clock.

And, uh...

Also, dear, I think number six wants
changing. Would you see to that at once?

Will you men get out of here as soon as
you've finished? Yeah, well, I... Well,

I think I'd better go and check the
buses, then.

How much longer are you two going to be?
We'll nearly finish it now, Bladie.

Well, hurry up and get on with it, then.

Lovely.

Fair with the rock. Come on, then, I'll
lunch.

Terri, I'll see you later, love.

Oh, you little devil!

What's the matter?

He took my glasses. I think he put them
on the floor.

Oh, yeah, there.

Down there.

Where? Just in front of you there.

You stupid great knit, you. You've been
a tread on them, look.

Well, I couldn't see them without my
glasses.

Can I wear them?

Well, you can wear them, but I don't
know what they're going to do for you.

I can't see a thing.

Well, what are you going to do?

Well, I'll have to manage.

I'll just try and do this little... Mark
Snappy first.

Where are you going?

Where are you going? Not that one. Not
that one.

That's where you were. On that one.
There.

There.

Oh, you old wet, you naughty little
girl.

Girl?

Can't you see anything? That's a boy.

Is it?

Oh, it's just a blur to me.

That's the first time I've ever heard it
called that.

Ain't it marvellous, eh? She's blind as
a bat without her glasses.

Yeah, I only take them off when I go to
bed at night. You want to keep them on,

love, might do you a bit of good.

Hey, Jack, hang on, hang on.

We can't leave her here in charge
without her glasses. Ah, well, we'll

Blackie. It's his picture, isn't it? Oh,
no, don't!

No, she's right, though. No, if you tell
Blake, you know what he is. You only

give her the push, you know what he is.

Yes, and I'm quite capable of looking
after babies. Yeah, provided you can

them.

Yeah, haven't you got a spare pair?

Yeah, I've got a pair at home. I could
dash home and get them. Just look after

the babies for me, please.

Eh?

Oh, Stan, please.

Arthur will kill me if I lose this job.

Of course he won't.

I don't know, you're getting ten quid,
aren't you? Maybe you're right.

All right, go and dip my phone. We'll
hang on. Hey, hang about. What about my

lunch? I'm hungry.

I'll be as quick as I can.

Oh, what about the baby's nappy?

Well, give us your... I'd better do it
then for you.

Hurry up and don't be long.

Oh, blimey, how much longer's Olive
going to be? She'll be gone 20 minutes.

Well, give her a chance.

She'll be another 10 minutes at least.

Well, it will be due out.

Anyway, I'm famished. I want me lunch.

I'm going up the canteen. No, Jack, no,
Jack. Don't leave him with this lot.

Oh, blimey, I'm starving. Well, I'm
starving and all, but... Here, there's

plenty of grub here, look.

What, baby? Baby food?

What do you mean, yeah?

It's smashing stuff. It's great.

Besides, it's free, isn't it?

We're in a management appointment,
aren't we?

You've got a point there, mate. Let's
have a look.

Minced, homogenised beef, mixed
vegetable, gravy added, vitamins. Well,

doesn't sound bad.

Yeah? What's it like? Yeah, that is
handsome, mate. That is handsome. I'll

this one.

Mmm.

So is this, mate. What have you got?
This is liver, chicken, spinach and bone

broth.

Oh, this is great. Here, you've got
another spoon there, have you?

No,

you can have the pusher. Oh, do turn it
up a little.

Oh, darn it.

This is very good stuff, you know this.
Yeah, it's much too good for babies.

This is good, isn't it?

You want to go careful with that one,
though.

Why's that?

See what it says here? It's full of
vitamins, this is. It'll make your teeth

grow. Well...

You must have had a hell of a lot when
you was a kid.

Shut up.

Anyway, what's wrong with my teeth?

Nothing. It's just that every time you
smile, it reminds me of that piano down

the pub.

Good stuff, isn't it? Very good. Very
good indeed, I must say.

Anthem. Marley, don't be a pig. All
right, all right. It's plenty there,

it? It ain't done for me.

What's this one?

It's all right.

It's nice. It's sweet as well.

Sweet. Beautiful artist, lovely artist.

What is it?

I don't know.

Stewed rhubarb, essence of figs, and
prune juice.

You'll be breaking all records bringing
the bus back to the depot today.

Got a point there, mate.

All right, makes you a bit thirsty,
though, doesn't it?

Have you got anything to drink here?

Yeah, that's ready. Have some of that.

Can't drink out of a baby's bottle.
Yeah, I'll shove it in a cup then.

Hang on.

Hey, how about that then, Jack?

Look at that.

It's just like milking a cow, isn't it?

It's better. You can see how much you've
got left. Yeah.

Do you know what?

They ought to breed cows with plastic
watches, didn't they?

You're going to be all day filling that
cup up, mate.

Don't be saying that again. There's
nothing in there, oddly.

How are you going to get it out then?

Hey, I know what I'll do. Tell you what
I'll do. I'll do it like the Spaniards

do when they're drinking their wine.
Yeah?

Yeah, squirt it straight into your
mouth.

I see them do it in Majorca last year.
Go on. Watch it. Straight off. Right,

here we go.

Oh,

very good brother.

It goes right down your gullet that way.

Let's have a go. Arms length.

You've got to be careful with this one,
because if you miss, it goes down your

neck, runs down here, down your leg. I
suppose that's why all them Spanish

dancers go about wriggling and stamping
their feet.

Here we go. Arms length, mate.

Hang on, hang on.

Ah, like that, eh? Very good. Yeah, I
like that.

But when you get expert at it, do you
know what you do?

No. They squirt it on their forehead,
then it runs down their nose into their

mouth. Oh, blimey, I better not try
that.

With my nose, by the time it gets down
to me mouth, the milk will have turned

sour.

Yeah, something there. Let's have a go
at you, then. Here we go.

I wonder what... You don't look.

It's all going in your ears, mate. No,
no, no!

What do you do with that baby's bottle?

What's he spraying his face with milk
for?

Well, he's having trouble with his
complexion.

Well, I always knew he was raving mad,
but I mean, this is... Well, Blake, you

see, I was just drinking a drop.

What, from a baby's bottle?

Here.

What's all these empty jars here?

You've been licking the baby's grub,
haven't you? No, wait a minute, no.

Four new peas each, them jars, you know
that?

Yeah. You've got to be pinching them,
haven't you? I caught you. I caught the

pair of... I'm having you two, I'll tell
you that. Wait a minute, Blake, don't

be... Blake, listen.

Listen, listen, listen.

Honestly, Flanky, there's a simple
explanation why we was eating this.

suppose your little toothy things are
coming through, aren't they?

I'm making out a complete report about
this, mate, I'll have you.

Here, where's that half -dark sister of
yours who's supposed to be left in

charge here?

She leapt off home.

What, and left all the babies?

Look, she trod on her glasses and
smashed them. She's a blind as a bat

them, right?

She's just gone back to get another
pair. She won't be long. You ought to be

very grateful to us for looking after
these nippers.

Looking after them? They've been
pinching all their grub.

And I'll make sure you pay for it and
all, mate. Don't worry about that.

So what? They're not complaining.

Not one of them said a word.

Twit. You shouldn't have been left in
charge of them. You can't be responsible

for them babies.

Well, I don't know. I've had my moments.

Will you two shut up and get out of here
right away and get in that bus? Come

on. Oh, it's all right. We can go. There
she is. I'll go back as quick as I

could. Yeah. Did you find your glasses?

on the sofa to think and they were
underneath the cushion.

Oh, Lord.

I'll dash off to the opticians and see
if I can get another pair. Oi, oi, what

about the babies here? Yeah, well, the
nurse will be back in half an hour.

Oh, oh, God. Oh, what's the matter with
that one now?

Oh, Lord.

Wet, ain't it? Needs changing.

Yeah, well, Stan, you heard the
inspector. We've got to get that bus

no, no, hang on.

Don't leave me like this. Look, come on.
I'm sorry about that, Blake. I mean,

we've got to get the bus out, haven't
we? I mean, the bus has got to run.

Nothing to do with us. Nothing to do
with us whatsoever.

You told us to get the bus out there.
You see what's happened now? That one's

started a little.

Yeah, I'm afraid they all need changing.
Yeah. Here, Blake, tell you what. Take

the nurse's rubber apron and you can get
on with it. Right.

I can't change a baby's nappy. I've
never changed one in my life before.

Oh, my God. Oh, it's just my nappy.

Well, you see, it's because you're an
inspector, isn't it? I mean, the babies

are just like the bus. As soon as you
walked in, they all started running

Oh, I hate you, butler. I hate you. I
hate the fear of you.