Original subtitles

Hey, Blakey. Blakey. Who are you putting on to drive these little villains?

Can't you guess?

He's making my day just thinking about it.

He's not only going to drive it, he's got to help to organise it as well.

This is enough sandwiches now, isn't it, Mum?

Why do you want to get yourself lumbered with this lot of fire? Well, it's our

turn this year. We've got to do something nice for the little kiddies. I

don't even know why you're taking the little darling.

Well, I tell you what, if they're eating any of Olive's cakes, it'll be straight

to the hospital.

Shut up. No, she'll have to eat it now you've touched it.

No, that's not the way to start a lovely day.

Oh, a lovely day.

I've got to be out, you know, by...

Here, look at the time. I'm due out at 11.

Come on, let's pack up and let's get going. No, we can't yet because we

blown the balloons up. Come on, blow some balloons up, dear. Oh, that's the

thing.

I can't blow it up.

I shouldn't think you can. You've bummed the hole up with cake, haven't you?

It's not that.

It's one of those thick ones. If you're so clever, you tried.

I am not putting that in my mouth after you've been sucking it.

Oh, come off it, Arthur. You've been married for nine years.

I mean, what she's got, you've got by now.

It is unhygienic and needs disinfecting. Oh, dub it a dub.

What about when you kiss, Olive?

He makes a gargle with carbolic first.

Here's a new one. Try that.

All right, all right. Pretty simple.

The trick is to get started.

Well, that's not your strong point.

But be careful. You don't want to strain yourself.

No, you might need another operation.

Will you shut up about my operation?

Let someone else do it.

I don't know what's wrong with you lot. Look, just because they're new balloons,

you don't know how to do it. You've got to stretch them like that first, because

they're new.

Then you warm them in your hand like that. I've seen them on telly do it. And

then they go up as easy as anything.

Right, now watch this then.

gone up a bit, hasn't it? It has not.

Where's all the air going?

I hate to tell you, mate, but you'll grow in a lump.

That'll be funny. Shut your face. I'll do it again. I nearly got it. When then?

Where have I got it started?

Lovely. Oh, blimey, I've gone giddy.

And by the way, what you have to do, look, you press it down into the

bit at the bottom there and all the way down the balloon.

No. Down the bottom, like that.

And then you... Yeah, I'll squeeze and you blow.

That's a good idea.

You stupid dick! You squeezed it just as I

was going to suck!

Swallowed all the air!

Never mind, mate.

Oh, Stan, that's just like when you was little, bringing up Wendy's. It was not

funny, Mum.

No, you know, I've heard.

I know, it happened to me once at a birthday party. I put a balloon in my

and I got all filled up with air.

Most of it's still there.

All this fuss about blowing up a few balloons.

Well, it's these squiggly ones here, Difficult. With the ordinary ones, it's

better. Look, I'll show you.

Now, you tie a knot in the end of that one and

I'll blow up another one. Blow up another one, that's right.

Easy, easy.

It's easy, look. You pull the neck out like that, right, round two fingers,

it out like that, and then you put the little nipples... I'll give it a

perfectly simple look. Look.

Oh, Arthur, you did give me a surprise.

I bet you don't do that very often.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, I feel fine, Sue.

Well, sit down and have a rest, then. Oh.

Arthur, don't stand there smoking yourself to death. I'm late as it is.

blow some of these balloons up.

Where's Buckley?

Isn't it marvellous? He's never here on time, is he? He'll be here in a minute.

He's just helping his mum with the grub and stuff.

Oh, here he comes now, look.

My God.

It's Mary Poppins.

Don't you start.

across the roof, have you?

You don't work, mate. You're later than ever.

Now, listen.

We don't want any trouble on this outing. The last kids outing, they did

worth of damage.

Well, that's what I've got the balloons for.

Keep them occupied.

Well, now you are. You can let them on the bus. I made them form a queue

there.

Oh, look at that. One of the little pelicans has jumped the queue.

He's digging my bell and all.

Liberty taker. He looks a right shifty -eyed little lout.

That used to be my little nephew.

Yeah, mind you, he's got a nice, intelligent little face.

Well, I let him on the bus because he happens to be a sensitive little chap.

takes after me, actually.

Yes, I want you to keep an eye on him, if you will. Let him on the bus, then.

Come on. Oh, Charlie, out of the cake! Right, come on! You've got to breathe!

chaps, aren't they?

I thought you two could manage them all, right?

What did you do, sonny Jack?

Me? I did me best, didn't I? I'll give one of them a right tip round the ear

hole. You burped? That was me.

Well,

not on you, on the bus, look.

Oh, charming. Oh, my God, look, somebody's put the boot in right where

and all. And somebody put the boot in me where it don't show.

Oh, listen to them kids rampaging around the depot. Come on, get them on the bus

out of it. Now, shut up, you kids, shut up. Be quiet.

Come on, here.

Butler, why didn't you give my little nephew a balloon? You did it on purpose,

didn't you? Because it's my nephew.

I didn't give him. They took him.

Well, you should have saved him one. Well, all right. I'll see he gets a

then. Yeah, well, mind you do. Get one off him. Go on.

All right, sonny. I'll try and find you a nice balloon.

I don't want a balloon.

That's kids' stuff.

I bought it on St. Louis.

Here. You chopped it?

Here, Sam.

What? Look.

Have a look at this, mate.

Gorgeous girlies.

No wonder he wasn't interested in our balloons.

He's more interested in hers.

You want to see this, mate?

He's put a moustache on the pet of the month.

Well, that's probably because he didn't like the look of her face.

He hasn't put it on her face, he's put it on her chest.

Oh, kids today, mate.

Imagine that, hiding this thing behind his comic.

You know something? I never did anything like that when I was a kid, did you?

No, no.

I used to hide mine behind the in -book.

Well, Rebecca used to be dead chuffed to see me praying.

Mind you, he didn't know what I was praying for.

Oh, you'd better give it in back then. Yeah. Where is he? Come on. Oi, Harold,

come here. Harold, here.

Here, I've got a present for you.

Listen. Here, take it.

Don't let your uncle see you with it, otherwise he'll do his nuts.

What are you giving that boy?

Show me that here.

Now, wait a minute.

Oh,

you filthy beast, you. Beast?

Give it to him. He brought it with him.

I heard you telling him just now to hide it from me. You're teaching him to be

deceitful and all.

Oh, no, no, it's easy. He did bring it with him. Oh, what a despicable thing to

say. Fancy blaming it on a poor, innocent child like that. He wouldn't

thing like it, would you, Harold?

Oh, no, I can't. Yes, well, run along then, lovey. Oh, you two necrous

layabouts. You're not fit to be in charge of children.

Yes, I'll tell you. He's a lying little basket.

I've known that boy since he was a baby. He's very truthful.

Now, listen, are you going to believe him or me? Him.

That boy wouldn't do anything I wouldn't do.

I found that out.

There's nothing wrong with that boy. Nothing wrong with him. There must be if

he's your nephew.

Yeah. Now, look, come on. I'm not having these kids walking in and about the

place. Where are the adults in charge of these children? Hurry up. Here they

come. Mum, come on. Thank God for that.

Hurry up. These kids are getting a bit restless, you know.

We had to wait. We had to wait for Ollie.

Do you know what she's like when she's on a bath?

She had to take her travel sick pill.

I feel sick.

What are you talking about? You haven't got on the bus yet.

Ain't the sick pills doing you anything?

Yeah, they're making her feel sick.

Because I took them on an empty stomach.

Your stomach is never empty.

Now, you understand this is a new bus.

We don't want any trouble. We had a lot of damage done in the past.

Don't worry, Inspector. I'll look after the little kiddies. Listen, Blake, if we

can handle a football mob, we can handle a load of blinking kids.

Besides, what can they do to a bus?

Give me that funnel.

You got the sugar?

Yeah.

What's it going to do? Is it going to make it blow up? Well, it might if we're

lucky.

They want to do?

What?

Take you back to the depot.

Look at that. The kids are going raving mad.

So they go raving mad.

Get back there and tell them it's gone wrong and we're going back to the depot.

All right, shut up. Quiet.

Now we're going back to the depot.

Don't tell them it's us.

I told them, didn't I? I just don't understand you, Jack. I'm telling you,

Adults treat them as grown -ups.

Step out of it. I'll show you how to do it. Now, boys and girls, what do you

want to say to us?

Now, shut up a minute.

Will you be quiet?

That's it.

Now, stop drinking that milk up there while I'm talking to you.

Right, now then.

The engine's gone up the spout, and we've got to go back to the tap mode,

Now, get back inside. Come on, quick. Come on, move, move.

That's it.

There's a good boy. Where are you, girl? Oh, right here.

Did you see that?

Look, did you see that?

There's nothing to it, mate. It's dead easy.

Oh, that's how you do it, is it?

Of course it's not. I'm having you for this battle. Don't worry about that,

mate. Now, don't get yourself excited. Look, I'll show you.

What's that then?

That's not it, is it? No, actually, it's a French horn.

Jack, give him a tune.

What do I do? Sack or blow?

Will you two stop clowning and get off there?

Now, how did this happen? I'll have to make out a full report about this.

You might know your biology, son. You certainly don't know what it is.

Oh, well, it was all them fumes coming up through the floorboards.

I mean, that can be very dangerous to a human being.

Well, in that case, you will be all right, love.

Oh, Mummy shouldn't have thought me when I'm not right.

Well, if I don't do it when you're not right, I'll never do it. Well, it's no

right to be nasty. Come on, love. Get you a nice bit of fresh air.

Come on. Well, what are you waiting for?

Come on, Butler. Get some maintenance on that bus. Just a minute. Just a minute.

Just a minute.

What are you going to do about the kids?

Tell them to go and wait in the canteen out of it. I don't think they're going

to like that.

Why don't you tell them?

Well, just go and explain it to them.

Treat them like little adults.

Use a modicum of intelligence.

It always works, you know.

Oh, our little, you know, children.

Let's go.

Giddies, we've got a special little treat for you.

You're going to be taken into a real bus. Usman's canteen!

You take them in the canteen.

You should keep them quiet.

What are you talking about? What am I supposed to do?

Do something. Entertain them. Anything.

I'm not employed to entertain kids.

My uncle too can entertain.

Come on, give us some of your impressions.

Impressions? Hell, come on. The kids want you to entertain them. No, no. I've

got my work to do.

Please, Uncle Phil. I've told all the boys in the gang about your bird

impressions.

Bird impressions?

Oh, this we've got. Here, this, Blake. Oh, yeah, Blake, you can't... the kids

down here. Kids, do you want to hear Uncle Cyril do his bird impression?

I'm sure they don't want to hear me. Yes, of course.

Oh, very well.

Just one then, all right.

The canary.

That's sensational, isn't it?

That is so lifelike.

You really think so? Yeah.

Do you know what? If we didn't know, we thought you'd got a bird in your

moustache.

You're trying to be funny, are you? No, no, honestly, Blake, honestly. It's

absolutely marvellous. Got any more?

Actually,

the mating call of the black -headed gull. Oh, it's my favourite. Very good,

very good.

Hey!

Listen, we'll have an encore of that one.

You like that one? Yeah, yeah. Go on, do it again. It's my favourite.

Yeah.

You must be joking.

Blimey, do you hear that? These kids today.

Fancy asking Eileen to strip.

Don't stand a chance. I'll be trying for weeks.

I'll tell you what I'll do. What?

I'll do that number that I did at the Christmas boozer. Oh, blimey, not that

load of old rubbish.

What are you talking about? He paralysed them. Listen, mate, they was paralysed

before we came on.

Well, I've got to do something.

Well, look, it'll take five minutes to get ready, eh? You're going to keep them

quiet in the meantime.

I'll give them some ice cream or something.

Look, they've had three lots already, plus sausages, chips, baked beans, more

chips. If we give them anything else, they'll be sick.

Sick? Well, if they're sick, they're not shouting, are they?

Yeah.

Eileen, darling, listen there.

I want you to do me a favour, will you?

I've, er, can you come with me for a minute?

Hey,

Dad! What?

Come on, what are we doing now? When are we going on the bus?

The bus will be ready in a minute.

Now, listen, in the meantime, one of our clippers is going to entertain you.

Now, I want you all to give a big hand to Claire!

Twiggy.

Here, stay there.

Are you going to do your little song? Of course I am, Jackie, darling.

I'll give you a hand up.

I'll give you a hand up. Here you go.

Oh,

Jackie's mum and a girl. Is it?

Winnie, darling, will you play for me, darling? You know, the one I did at the

booze -up at Christmas time?

They're on a clippy number, sweetheart.

Just a minute, have a check, love. I must have gotten that lipstick on.

And he's marvellous. He's just like a real girl.

real girl looks as awful as that?

Some of them do.

I'm ready, darling. I'm ready now, darling.

I'm Clara the Clippy. I have to be nippy because, you see, I'm so full up on

top.

The drivers all love me. They say I'm so cuntly and I never, never ask them to

stop.

A dirty old chap tried some tickle and slap and I asked for some straight...

information.

He said, can a silly day, can I go all the way? I said, get off, I'm not your

destination.

Now, please, I'll tell you something, a little story that happened to me, very,

very funny it was, you see. Now, this little boy, he's got on to the bus.

I got on top of the bus like this, you see.

Walking up behind me, up the stairs to this bus.

When I got on top of the bus, you see, What happened when I got on top of the

bus? This little boy was following me up the stairs.

What? Have they gone?

Oh, have they?

They've gone.

Oh. Oh, well, I'll get off then. Come on. You'd better get out of that

mate. They haven't agreed to women drivers yet.

Take off her hat, darling.

Your shoes are killing me, dear.

Go on, then.

Who's that, then? I've never seen that clip of you before. Er, no. No, she's

new. Oh, I see. Well, that accounts for why she's just walked in.

Miss, I missed.

Hey, come out of there.

Well, I didn't know. You see, I was walking and I didn't know.

Stop it.

Miss Butler.

What do you call a raving maid? Well,

I always knew he was a bit peculiar, but I mean, he's gone kinky as well now.

It's mixing with all these clippies, isn't it? Oh, don't be daft. You do it

a bit of fun. A bit of fun?

I should try telling that to the magistrate, if I were you. Listen, he

it to entertain the kids, didn't he?

Entertain the kids? What do you think you are, the busman's Danny LaRue or

something? Come on, get up.

Look at it. I've got to get it off, haven't I?

Where did you get that skirt from, anyway?

I got it off of Eileen.

Eh?

What's she walking about in there?

Her knickers. What do you think?

She was going off duty, so she changed, and I borrowed it, that's all. I'll just

take it off now.

Blimey, the zip's stuck. Here, Jack, give us a hand with this.

I'll have to shut the eyes, though. I'm only used to doing it in the dark.

Get rid of your... Get rid of these.

What are you doing that for?

Well, I didn't know it was full of air, did I?

What are you expecting to be full of, then?

That bus is waiting out there. Get out there and get it out. Come on. I'll get

rid of this one, then. Get rid of it.

What's the matter with you? You both need pencil now. I'll give it a good

I've got a slow puncture, Jack.

Will you get that bus out and get them kids out?

We was entertaining the kids, mate. That's all we was doing. It's your

I'm going to get changed.

You're not going to drive like that, are you?

Like what?

Take a look in the mirror.

Oh, blimey.

Still got the eyelashes on, don't I?

Do they suit me? Look.

Take them off.

You're infringing the highway code. You're cutting down your visibility.

All right, hang on.

Oh!

Oh, blimey. Do not make your eyes water.

Oh! Oh.

Here you are, Blake. Here's a present for you.

What am I supposed to do with these then?

Well, I must admit, that's a very ticklish question.