All language subtitles for On The Buses s04e06 The L bus

Oi, Jack.

All right.

It's great, huh? Taking the train and
bus out, eh?

No, no.

Look what we've got a train.

Oh, what a lovely pair of dollies, eh?

Hello, darling.

Just make round the corner. I'll be with
you in a minute. All right, fellas.

Stand by the bus. Be with you in a
minute. Right.

Ah, be a treat, me driving inside.

Ah, I'm much more relaxed, you know,
when I'm not driving. Yeah, so am I.

Shut up.

Heads up.

Here's Frankenstein.

Oh, blimey, they're dressed even and
ugly. They screwed his head on crooked.

Oi, mate, Brady.

Looks as though we're going to have some
rain, mate.

What makes you say that, then? Your
moustache is a bit damp.

It's more like a donkey's tail, isn't
it? Every time it droops, we know we're

for a hard time.

You couldn't grow one, mate. Oh, why
not?

Because if you're chopped, it'll look
like weeds growing around a tombstone.

Anyway, what are you hanging about here
for? You ought to be on that number 11

right to the cemetery gates.

What, you heard?

We're taking the training bus out. Here
are the instructions, yeah?

You too?

Yeah.

Management must have gone round the
bend. The union states that every cruise

will have a turn on the training bus.

That's right.

And we've got to train them all we know.

Yeah, but that'll take about two
minutes, won't it? What are you going to

rest of the day?

Anyway, let's have this. Who have we got
here?

Albert Harrison.

That's me, Inspector.

Alfred Pearson.

Yes, Inspector.

Janet Mould. Yeah, that's me, Inspector.

Ah, I want you to pay particular
attention to this young lady. She's been

training all the week and she's passing
her final test tomorrow morning.

Well, if I know him, she'll be passing
her final test tonight.

Tonight? What are you talking about?
We've got a 20 -minute tea break.

Can't you think of anything else?

No.

Anyway, it's a waste of time training
these girls. They don't stay at the job

long enough to warrant it. This depo's
got the biggest turnover of clippers in

the group. Yeah, well, that's probably
because ours turn over more often than

the others.

It's a mistake having women, you know.
They're always leaving to get married

have babies.

Yeah, but not in their order.

Yeah.

That's because their basic training
ain't basic enough, is it?

Shut up, will you?

Betty Jones.

Yes, Inspector?

Oh, you started this morning, didn't
you, love? Yes, Inspector.

Everything all right, is it?

Oh, yes, Inspector.

The only thing is, this jacket they've
given me is too tight. I can't button it

up. Yeah, well, you don't have to have
it on the first day, darling.

If you don't have to, you can take it
off. Yeah, she can manage.

No, I'm just showing the new fellas out
to negotiate dangerous curves, you see

what I mean?

Get that jacket back or we're going to
go on the bus. Come on, get out. Okay,

but you can take her out first, mate.

Hang about.

I shall need a complete report on the
journeys and a complete report on the

schedule. Yeah, okay, right.

They'll take you around the circular
route. It'll be easier around here.

What are you talking about, be easier?

We've come across some very nasty
natural hazards on that route.

What is it?

Well, tall things with black macs and
moustaches.

Don't you like that?

I want you to go down Clarence Road.
Yes. Right.

Hazel Avenue.

Yep. And Burden Road. Got it? Right. And
don't forget, stop off at number three.

Why, is that a fair thing?

No, it's where I live. I want to drop
the shopping off.

I've been checking out the two birds.
They're coming out with us tonight.

Are they?

Yeah, well, I told them they've got to
continue their training, you see.

What are you talking about?

Well, I mean, all the clippers have got
to learn how to deal with tricky

customers, haven't they?

Oh, well.

Well, I mean, they don't come any
trickier than us, do they?

OK,

take it away, Bert.

Yeah, well, that wasn't a bad evening,
then, was it? Oh, great, mate. Do you

know what? I reckon if we work our cards
right, we'll be all right, don't you

know, Jack? Yeah, we've got those birds
on the bus all day tomorrow.

Anyway, I've got time, mate.

Look at time. Not surprised it's gone 12
o 'clock, you know.

I'm ready for bed.

Yeah, that's what I've been saying all
night, but you didn't want to know.

Better luck tomorrow, mate. Yeah, tell
her.

Yeah, tell her, mate.

Hey, Jack, just a minute. Before we go,
come here. What?

Listen

to

that. What's that?

Oliver and Harper's bed.

I'm not joking, mate. That's what I get
all night. Squeak, squeak, squeak. All

night long.

Are you still awake?

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, shut up that audible noise and let
one of us get to sleep.

Oh, Arthur, I can't help it. It's the
bed. Every time it moves, I move and

squeak. Well, I never make it squeak.
You don't have to tell me that.

They don't row, eh?

It's their bed, full of the bits.

Oh, I wouldn't have thought that Arthur
and Ollie... No, they don't, no, they

don't, no.

It's been like ever since I've had it,
and it's getting worse, getting worse,

yeah. That's what I have to put up with,
though. Ah, well, good luck, mate.

Yeah, hello, mate. See you.

Oh, that blasted bed.

Will you shut up that audible noise?

Oh, Arthur, I can't help it. I only have
to move a little and it squeaks. You

never move yourself all day. Don't you
get the bed you wriggle around on?

What's going on now?

you know. What's happened, you never
thought of her, darling?

I don't know, Mum.

Olive! Are you all right?

Oh, come in, Mum.

I've got the crown.

Oh, my poor baby. I know just how you
feel. I used to get the crap there when

was expecting Olive.

Did the old man rub your leg like that
then?

Of course not.

God blimey, she was expecting Olive. He
couldn't get anywhere near, could he?

You see, when she stops moving, the
blood can't get from her heart to her

I'm not surprised.

Blimey, look at the size of her stomach.
It can't get through there, can it?

Don't be so rude.

You ought to sleep standing up.

Oh, don't be daft. Only horses can do
that.

Sounds pretty suitable.

Oh, shut up.

Leave it. It was his fault he told me to
stop wriggling about.

Did he really?

Yes. Then what's that supposed to mean?

Well, you know, Blimey, she only has to
flick her arm. and the bed squeaks, look

at it, look.

I cannot afford a new bed, not at
present day prices.

Well, if you can't afford a new one,
well, blimey, you can repair this one,

can't you? It's the brackets, mate,
that's what it is. Look, look, I'll show

you. Blimey, they're all loose.

Those brackets are too old to be
tightened.

All right, I'll go and get a spanner and
tighten them myself now. Get me that

thing back and I'll tighten it. I think

I'll get another turn on that one.

It's the last one.

Yeah, well, I'm here to tell you, mate,
those brackets are cast hard and not

meant to be tightened to that extent.

And I'm here to tell you, mate, that
won't squeak. That's as solid as a rock.

All right, all right.

You wait till it's got some weight on
it. You just watch. Go on, then.

Oh, and it's solid, eh? Yeah, well,
there's only one of us in it, isn't

Listen, mate, that better take a five
-ton weight.

We'll be right back.

that stays on the sofa.

Father!

Oh, Mum, I don't want to sleep on my
own. Never mind, love. We've sorted it

out in the morning. Now you have a nice
and disturbed night's sleep.

She never has anything else.

Well, good night, love.

Morning, Mum.

Hello, love. Morning, love.

Here's your breakfast. Now, come on, eat
it all up. There's a good boy.

anybody seen him yet? No.

Oh, poor boy. Must have had a terrible
night sleeping on that sofa without

Holly. Morning, all.

Morning, Mother -in -law. I can't
remember when I've had a better night's

Oh, well, you're lucky because I didn't
sleep at all.

No, and neither did I.

You woke me up every time you turned
over.

Oh, well, it can't have been the bed
squeaking because I slept on the floor.

No, it wasn't. It was the floorboards
creaking.

creak they went. Oh, no, it wasn't.

That was Olive creeping down the stairs.

Oh. What was the big clunk at the bottom
then?

Me, bolt in the door.

I think it was horrible.

Well, there wasn't room for both of us
on the sofa, was there, sunshine?

Olive came in and slept with me.

Ah, it was lovely having my little baby
again, just like old times.

She always used to come into my bed when
she was little and afraid of the

bogeyman.

If you're married to him, I'm surprised
you don't sleep with him every night.

Oh, that is funny.

What do you intend doing about our bed,
may I ask?

It was perfectly all right until you
tampered with it.

Now the fact remains we have nowhere to
sleep.

Well, I do think it's time you bought a
new bed, Arthur.

We have been married nine years.

Yeah, well, now you mention it, I was
thinking about that during the night.

Oh, were you, love?

Yeah, and I've come to the conclusion of
what we need are two single beds.

Single beds?

We'd never fit two beds in our bedroom.

He didn't say both beds were going to be
in the same room.

Oh, that's not right, Arthur. I mean,
Dad and me had a double bed for 29

We never wanted no single bed.

Any case, in them days, it was too cold
to walk across the line.

Single beds are more hygienic. Oh, all
this modern, fangled rubbish.

Just think, if Dad and me had had single
beds...

My little Olive might never have been
born.

Blimey, some people have made much
difference to you, do they? Eh?

Well, two kids, 29 years.

Blimey, one of our clippers did better
than that in the phone box. Oh.

Yeah.

Arthur, look, Bright Stores have got a
sale on next week, a bed week.

Eh?

Well.

Yeah, well, on consideration, I think a
double bed might be better.

Oh, love, it would be cosier. It's 52
bob cheaper.

You never say anything nice, do you?
Well, the President prices out there if

can afford a double bed. Well, look
here, she's not sleeping on the floor

night. I do not want his eyes open
anyway.

Every morning... Hello, Jack. Hello.

Come on, Stan, we're going to be on that
learner's bus by nine.

Yeah, I'm just finished knocking this
breakfast away with me. Morning, Olive.

What's the matter with you? You're not
your usual charming, bright, witty self

this morning?

Leave me alone. I'm worn out. I've spent
half the night on the floor.

Go on.

Congratulations, mate. There must have
been more to the married life than I

thought.

Do you mind?

Thanks to your friend here, our bed
broke down last night. I'm now faced

bill for £30.

£30? That's ridiculous, mate. I know
where you can get one for half that

Hey? Yeah, it's practically brand new.

Oh, Olive, do you hear that?

It's my auntie May's.

Oh, well, I just might be interested.
Where does this Aunty May of yours live?

Oh, she's got a flat over at Leeside
Column, the other side of town. Oh,

tell me. It'd cost me a fortune to get
it over here, wouldn't it? I'd have to

order a van. If you want it, Arthur,
mate, I can soon fix that. It's a real

bargain, you know.

Oh, well, if it's that a bargain, what's
your Aunty May want to get rid of it

for? Ah, well, me uncle snuffed it a
couple of weeks ago. He died in that

bed, as a matter of fact.

Oh,

Arthur, I don't think I'd like to sleep
in a bed in which someone's passed away.

Well, sleeping for nine years, I should
think you'd be used to it.

OK,

girls. I'll give you a hand.

That's it.

All right.

That's a lot. Up this bit, Jack. That's
it.

Lovely, mate. Go on, up this.

OK, Bert. I want to see how well you can
negotiate a difficult route, OK?

Get cracking. No stopping. We're full
up.

All

right,

Bert.

What have you stopped here for? We don't
want to pick anybody up. The oil

warning light's gone on.

We'll rev the engine up. It'll soon go
out.

What's that?

Sounds like a big end's gone.

Something must have run dry of oil.

Damn, we can't have done. I checked it
this morning. We couldn't have got

through ten quarks of oil.

Ah, we haven't got through it.

The engine's chuckled out. It's all down
here, look.

God, blimey. Well, you're the expert.
Can you fix it?

Oh, of course I can't.

No, I'll, uh...

I'll get on to the depot, get the
breakdown boys out, and they'll fix it,

then we can get on the road. Yeah, all
right, then you do that. Yeah.

Now, Jack, listen, you sure we've got
everything stowed up top? I've checked

all, mate. It's all up there. Mattress,
springs, headboard, the lot. Right. Now,

as soon as Mike's finished that, we can
get on our way.

Heads up. Here comes Dracula.

Of course, you're red -handed this time.
You thought you were going to get away

with that, didn't you? What?

Don't try and kid me.

You let that oil dry out on purpose so
you could get back here and have a

of hours off, didn't you?

Yes, I know your little tricks, mate.
Well, it's not going to work.

Yes. That bus is going to be out of here
in five minutes' time, and you're both

going to be on it. You're a right slave
driver, you are, Blakey. Don't try and

pull one over on me, mate. I wasn't born
yesterday, you know. I was a busman

myself. I know all the tricks.

Oh, you're clever, Blakey, you are.
You're clever.

All right, then. It's ready.

Take that, now. OK, Mike. OK, Inspector,
I've finished. Come on, get in the van.

OK, get out. Come on, come on. Hey,
help! You can have a go driving this

Right, OK.

Hang about, hang about.

What? Second thoughts.

This bus could do with a run through the
wash.

Get some old plates on that one and take
that one out instead, will you?

No, no, no.

Can't take that one out.

Because, well, we like this one, don't
we?

Yes, yes, we're very fond of this one.

Well, we got used to it.

What are you talking about? They're both
the same, aren't they?

No, no, they're different.

Well, what's the difference?

I don't know, but they're different.

Well, I can't see what that bus has got
what that one ain't got.

Well, thank God for that.

No, well, you see, what I say is
different is that...

I mean, let's face it, we've been taking
this one out for the last three days.

Well, you're going steady, are you?

When are you going to announce the
engagement?

It's like an old worn shoe, isn't it?
Well, I've heard of cowboys getting

attached to their horses before, but
that's blooming ridiculous, isn't it?

you're just hanging about to waste my
time, and you get out of it. No, no,

on, Blakey, we've got no way. Come on,
get out of it.

Get off that bus! Come out of it!

How can we run a bus company if every
busman wants his own bus?

Now, you get on that bus, and I'll tell
the superintendent I'll switch you. All

right, Elf, get in the other bus, will
you? Now, listen, Blake, listen, Blake,

listen. Now, listen, just a minute,
Blake.

Look, why switch us?

Look, you're taking the other bus out,
and that's an order. Now, get some Elf

plates on it.

It's not only Elf plates we've got to
get on it. We've got to shift that bed.

Don't be daft. How can we shift that bed
here? Come out and catch us any minute.

Yeah, well, we'll just have to delay him
by accident.

There we are.

All right, all right.

Come on, quick, get that bed on that
one. No, hang on, hang on. No hanging

You lot are in it up to here like we are
now. Get that bed off of there and get

it on that one. Don't hang about. Come
on.

Hey,

butler.

Hey, butler.

What's going on? Can you get the key
there? No, no, there's no key here. No,

it's jammed. It must be jammed.

Have a look, have a look.

You can't stall anything, can you?

No,

it's definitely jammed, you know.

Do something, I can't stay in here all
day.

Well, if you get hold of him, we'll
stick a few peanuts through the keyhole.

No, no, Sam, can't do that. Why not? Oh,
you're not allowed to feed him, it's

the mating season.

He's getting vicious, isn't he? Yeah,
well, that's because he hasn't got a

Tell you what, we'll phone up the zoo.

Morons. Come on, get me out of here.

I don't think they'd let him out, do
you? Why's that? Well, he's only one of

kind, you know, one of his species, no.

They'd most probably keep him for mating
purposes.

Oh, yes.

If you don't get me out of here, I'll
report a pair of you. Hey, Stan, Stan.

What? What's that?

We're having trouble.

The mattress is stuck on the stairs.

Oh, blimey, can't you do anything?

Pull it, pull it.

Come on, pull it.

Oh, thank God you've got me out. Them
other two would have left me in here all

day, you know. Now, what's going on with
this place? Hide it out there, eh?

My cover, what's going on here?

You've had it this time, mate. You did
that in purpose to injure me, didn't

Is he all right? I'm going to make a
full report about this. Yeah, he's all

right.

What's the idea of this, eh? You've gone
too far this time. What's he doing in

here? How did he get here? Well, one of
the passengers must have left it on

there. Yeah, you know what these
housewives are like. Always leaving

shopping on the bus.

I'm potty, mate. There's no passengers
been on that bus.

It's a trainee bus. You two left that
mattress on there.

What are you training these two girls
for?

bus, mate, not a mobile bordello.

You're a sex maniac, you are.

A mattress.

You're not even supposed to smoke
downstairs.

You've gone too far this time, I'll tell
you. Ah, look, it's all... I'll tell

you something. It's all innocent. I'll
explain it to you. It's me rubbing Laura

Hart with mattress and we were
delivering it for him.

Well, how could you do that then?

Well, how was we to know the bus was
going to break down?

Oh, oh, I see it, yeah. It's all coming
now.

You've been using that bus as a private
delivery service, haven't you? Would a

general manager be very interested to
read about this?

We're allowed to carry parcels on that
bus. It's in the regulations.

We were just showing the clippies out
the way and they're big parcels. Pull

other one, mate. It's got bells on it.

Anyway, what's that hanging about? We
don't want that left about here, do we?

I've seen enough Randy goings -on up
against the back wall of a night time.

Now get that on that bus there and take
it off home out of it. Go on.

Don't you hear what he said?

Go on.

Get it on the other bus.

That's very decent of you, Blake. Isn't
it, Mr. Tattoo, mate? Yes, you did,

mate. Excuse me, love, can I have your
ticket machine, please? Oh, yes, sir.

Thank you very much. We must do this
thing properly, mustn't we?

Right then.

I'm afraid I shall have to issue you
with a parcel ticket.

What are you talking about?

We get free passes for us and our
families.

Yes, well, a mattress is not a relative,
is it?

It might be a very good friend of yours,
but it's not a relative.

Oh, blimey, all right. How much a
parcel, Jack? One and three, I say. That

correct, yes.

One and three per parcel.

Hang on, what are you doing? Well,
that's about 20 tickets.

Listen, the mattress ain't 20 sparsals,
you know.

No, you're right.

It's more like 30, isn't it?

21, the mattress. Do you want it by the
headboard or the spring base?

It's called the spring base.

Oh, you made my day.

I don't know what to say.