All language subtitles for On The Buses s04e05 Christmas duty

um

So that's a lousy journey, mate. We're
seven minutes late. Not too bad,

considering we've stopped three times to
pick up our shopping.

Yeah, we'll bang it out then. Right,
enjoy it.

Thanks very much.

What's that thing doing in your cab?

Well, blimey, it's Christmas Eve.

I mean, we've got to stop to pick up our
stuff, haven't we? You know the

regulations. You shouldn't have a single
parcel in that cab, will you? I ain't

got a single one.

I've got three single ones.

See, I've got my own here. You can't
take liberties just because it's the

holiday like that. How dare you have
that stuff in the cab? It's not right.

Well, don't blame us, mate. Blame the
passengers.

Eh? Well, there were so many of them on
the bus, there wasn't no room for our

shopping. Here, hang on. I've got an
idea.

Hold it.

What's he doing over there by the
ladies' loo? Ah, well... That's all

Joyce and Edna go in there when we drove
up. We missed them on the way in. But

we'll catch them on the way out, though.

Letters lay about you, honestly.

Can't you leave them two girls alone?

No. Fancy screwing that hook above the
door like that, look. We didn't screw

hook above the door, they did.

Here, hold that.

Anyway,

I told them, I said, you can't bring
your hook down here. Look at that.

Put him down, put him down.

Oh, what's wrong, mate? It says reserved
for staff, and we're staff.

Oh, Jack, you cheating devil. Look,
you've got to turn your machine on.

run up a shilling return.

Oh, blimey, come on, then.

What do you think you're doing, old
Latuvius?

He's getting his return off.

Oh, you are awful.

See you then. See you later, Christmas
darling. Merry Christmas. Merry

Christmas. Might see you at the Rose and
Crown then. I'm not having no more of

this. This mistletoe's coming down out
of it.

What you keep giggling for? Yeah, well,
perhaps his moustache is tickling her.

Well, fair's fair, perhaps her moustache
is tickling him.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Taz.

Oh, there's just about enough of this.
All this snogging about the place and

this mistletoe and all them parcels in
your bus. I'm going to make a complete

report about this. Oh, no.

It's Christmas Eve, isn't it? I mean,
Christmas only comes once a year. It may

be Christmas for you, mate, but it's not
for me. I'm still on duty.

All right, kiss a kiss, then.

Now, fair dues, Blakey. I mean, we are
next on the road. We shall be on duty

next Christmas morning.

Next Christmas morning? I'll be on it
tomorrow morning, mate. Sitting here all

on my own waiting for a few buses to go
out.

What are you going to do? Serve Art the
new tea for the lads? Leave that alone.

That's my old mum's present, that is.

That's an hand -painted teapot with a
non -drip spout. That's what she's

wanted, that is.

Very pretty, that is. I'll tell you what
you ought to have bought for your

nephew, though.

One of these here I've got here.

What's that? This is a little self
-controlled bus, and I'm good, Blakey.

at this, look. Oh, that's nice, isn't
it? I've got one of my little... Does it

go? Of course it does.

Look, I've got lots of little bus ones
to go with it. Look, look.

There's a little inspector.

Oh, look at that.

Sweet,

isn't it? I mean, I'm half like you,
Blakey, isn't it?

There's even a seam round his neck where
they snap his head on.

Come on, show us how this thing works,
come on. You put it there like that,

mate.

There's your control. Press the button
and it goes forward. Watch this. Watch

it. Oh, blimey.

Typical, isn't it, eh?

You never did know which way you was
going. No, no. I pressed the wrong

I'm sorry.

There's a little request up there. I'll
put that there.

Now, see if it can stop there. Well, if
it does, it'll be the first time ever.

Wait a minute. I lost my little control
handle. All right.

I'll put the inspector by it.

I'm bound to stop now. All right. Now, I
can see we're playing games now.

Now, watch this. Now, I've got to put a
stop at the stop, right? Here we go,

then.

Yeah.

You did that on purpose, didn't you?
Knocked the little inspector over like

that. Yeah, well, he gets five points
for doing that.

Well, fair's fair, Brady. I've been
dying to knock you over for years.

Clumsy clot. Here, let me have a go.
It's my turn. No, it's mine. I'm the bus

driver. Come on, it's my turn, isn't it?
I drive the bus. It's mine. It's mine.

Now then. Well, isn't it marvellous, eh?

I've got 50 buses out there. You're
never showing enthusiasm for driving one

them, do you?

It doesn't matter. Now, come on, let me
have a go. It's my turn. I decide who

drives the bus. It's mine. It's my bus.

Well, it's my desk, then. Take it off
and get it out of it. Oh, blimey. How

childish can you get?

All right, you can have a go. One
minute.

Timing, Jack. Timing.

Oh, look at that here. Look at that, eh?

Nice tight here.

I ain't lost the old touch, have I?

Nice tight turn here, look.

The sterling moss of the buses.

Here. They're nice, sensitive controls,
aren't they? They are, they are. You

know what? We could use these for
instructions.

Yeah, we must be.

Oh, yes, definitely, we're going to get
done.

If you'd brought me my bus, Blake. No.

Listen, if you'd brought me my bus,
mate, I'd definitely... Fuck your bus.

What?

It's all your fault, butler.

What do you mean, it's my fault? It's my
bus, I told you not to drive it. Oh,

look, look, it's too late to go and get
another one, like the old girl won't

have a present. Nah, that's all right,
that'll still work.

Well, I can't give it to her like that,
can I? Of course you can. Tell her it's

one of them modern ones.

It hasn't got one eye, it's got five.

Four out of five cups of tea at the same
time, is that right?

I hate you, butler. I hate you.

Get that rubbish out of it, come on.
Where's the box?

Hello?

Yes, Inspector Blake here, yes.

Oh, no, no.

Well, how bad is she, then?

Got to stay in bed all day?

Oh.

Oh, yeah. It's all right. Well, he can't
be up, yeah. Well, we're managed, yeah.

What was all that about then, Blackie?
Oh, it's that Edna Jones, the clippy

who's on Christmas duty tomorrow
morning. She's got the flu.

Oh, dear.

You're the next conductor on the
Christmas road now.

You've got to do it.

Hey, just a minute. Has she got a
doctor's system? Oh, yes, she has. No, I

want none of these arguments. It's all
been agreed with the union, you know it

is. No, it's better than being on duty
Christmas morning.

Hard luck, Jack, mate.

Do you know who's got us driving, don't
you? No. Her old man, Charlie.

No, no, here, here, here. Here's the
best bit of it. What?

Charlie's got to stay home and look
after her and the kids.

Well?

You're on.

You won't go and report here for eight o
'clock tomorrow morning, mate. Not

fair. She's not paid my Christmas, she
says.

while I'm having me breakfast. Oh,
sorry, love. Never mind.

Look, it's eight o 'clock. Who got me up
at this ungodly hour?

Well, Stan's got to go to work.

Eh? Oh, yeah.

Merry Christmas, Stan. Hope you have a
nice day.

I'm going back to bed. I'll be thinking
of you.

Oh, I'll join you soon as I've finished,
love.

Eh?

Oh. Well, on second thoughts, perhaps
I'll stay...

You have to be nasty on Christmas
morning.

What do you call me for? I was having a
lovely... Well, we've got to give the

presents out, because Stan's got to go.

Well, he could have waited.

We always give the presents out at
breakfast.

It's a sort of Christmas tradition in
the family.

Like the Pope's message in the Queen's
Speech.

Anyway, you let her wait till I come
home for lunchtime, because I've got to

to work now.

Oh, I've got a special.

Go on, have mine.

Eh? Eh?

Shall we? Yes, go on.

She is a baby. She's never grown up.
There we are.

Merry Christmas.

It's from Stan and me to you both.

Oh, thank you.

Just the one present for the two of us.

It's very nice, I'm sure.

Oh, look, Arthur. It's an electric
blanket.

Very useful.

It's just what we need. We did.

Arthur's always saying how long it takes
me to get warm in bed.

It's a pity you didn't take one on your
honeymoon.

We didn't need one then, did we, Arthur?
No, you brought your hot water bottle.

Oh, you remember.

Well, I'm hardly likely to forget, am I,
seeing as it leaked the first night.

Hardly a night of romance, was it? Yeah.

drenched her bed socks.

Oh, it's only a single bed size.

Yes, love, we thought a single one would
be better.

Not only that, we didn't have enough
green stamps for a double.

Oh, I know, Arthur. We can lay sideways
across the middle of the bed and share

it. Oh, don't be stupid. That means
we'll both end up with hot bottoms and

feet.

That's all right.

Then you'll put your cold feet on your
hot bottoms.

the foot of the bed and put our feet on
it. Oh, don't talk wet. That'll melt

your chill, Blaine, or it meant you'll
end up with two fried feet.

Now, what a dump team.

There we are. There's me turkey.

All ready now. All I've got to do is sew
him up.

Come on here, love. Give us a hand. Mum,
finish me breakfast. Oh, come on. I

can't do it by myself. It's a big dirt.

All right, all right. Come on, hold it
up. Right, that's it. There we go. Now,

get this done.

Here, it reminds me, Arbor.

How's your operation?

Oh, blimey, look at the time. I'll be
late for work.

Where's my shoes, Mum?

Butterfly, love. Right.

Here, don't forget, we're having dinner
at two o 'clock.

Don't be late, will you, love?

Late? I don't finish up, I ask to.

There's no buses running up and in, you
know. Then I have to walk home. I won't

be up with gone far.

What a shame.

He'll have to have his cold.

Cold Christmas dinner. We always eat
together here. No, we'll have to wait

he comes home.

I can't have my dinner at four o 'clock.

No, but that's because you're still
eating your breakfast.

Don't be so nasty. Yes, Dan.

Well, I, for one, am not waiting till
four o 'clock for my turkey. I want it

two. Your turkey?

Stampede, is she?

His contribution just about paid for the
stuffing.

Oh,

I know.

Arthur could come and collect you on his
motorcycle.

Hey, don't be so ridiculous. Oh, don't
be so silly. I am not being silly.

I don't see why I should have to suffer
just because he's got to go to work.

Why can't we have dinner without snow?

Oh, well, because I say so and don't
speak with your mouth full. She didn't

speak with her mouth full. She'll never
say a word. Oh, shut up. Anyway, it's

all settled.

It is not settled. I've agreed to no
such thing. What do you mind what you're

doing with that needle? Oh, you should
take your finger out. Oh, shut up. And

don't you speak to him like that. Well,
it's always the same, isn't it?

I'll wait for the depo.

I'll wait for the depo.

I'll wait for the depo.

through, I'll wait to get home and get
my Christmas dinner. Oh, waste of time

that journey was. We only took four in
eight months.

We're running a public service, aren't
we? Look, Blakey, nobody goes to the

cemetery gates on Christmas morning,
alive or dead.

Oh, come on, come on.

My old mum's waiting for me.

See, you stuck your spout on then. Yeah,
it's a couple of the chaps in

maintenance gave me some special glue.
It works all right. Made a nice neat

cover, that. You can't see the join
rate, yeah?

Yeah.

Hello. See you, Blakey.

Right. I think you've bunged one of your
little holes up. Eh?

What are you talking about?

Yeah. Nah, I'm sure.

Yeah. You've bunged up. How could you
tell, then? Well, you'll have to blow

through it, won't you?

Yeah.

Don't strain yourself, mate.

It's bunged up a bit, isn't it?

Blimey, you've got to blow it harder
now, haven't you?

You've got one of your little holes
bunged up, I told you.

Ah.

Oh, that's very musical there.

Do you know what, Blakey? I reckon you
could play first teapot in the London

Philharmonic.

Will you shut up a minute? I think it's
clearing.

Yeah, it's off again. Oh, listen to that
teapot music. A very stirring noise.

Now, get out of here. Go on, sign out
and get out. Come on.

I'm waiting to lock up the tempo here.
No, you can't do that. My brother -in

-law's picking me up on me motorbike.
And, blimey, he's late, isn't he? He

in the family, doesn't he?

Oh, where is Arthur?

He promised he wouldn't be late. Oh,
look, me lovely bird.

It's going to be all ruined.

Oh, it's all right, Mum. Here he is now.

Oh, good. I'll put the bird back in the
oven.

I didn't.

Give us a great big plonker, come on.
Come on, come on!

Oh, Mum, he can't drive in that state.
Who's going to pick up Stan?

Of course I can. I've only had a few.

Yeah, a few too many.

Oh, he can't drive like that. Now I
won't be able to have me dinner till

'clock.

You look very lovely when you're angry.

Oh, shut up!

Oh, Mum, I know. I've got me provisional
licence.

I can drive the bike. Yay!

so stupid you've only had two lessons?

Well, she's got the hang of it, yeah.

My dear mother -in -law, your daughter
has been married for nine years. She

still hasn't got the hang of it.

Come on, Mum.

Now, you are sure you want to come, Mum?
Well, of course, love.

Anyway, I'd rather see what's going on
and there's nothing more I can do in

there. It'll all be ready in half an
hour. All right. All right, flatten me

down. Come on. Shut up. There we are.

There we are.

Now start the engine for me, Arthur.
Right now, my little chad.

There we are.

All right, now get on. Get on.

that's because you haven't got it in
gear my little beloved oh shut up I know

exactly what I'm doing

right, don't he?

Why, he's having a bit of a kip, I
expect.

Oh, no.

Here he comes now.

Mum, he's had a bit of a leap.

He's got the old place up. He drives
driving.

Well, so what? She can drive, can't she?
She can drive, but she can't stop.

me dinner. We've been here over an hour.
Me turkey's going to be very dry.

All

right,

Mum, we got it out now.

Well, can we go then?

You'll be nothing.

What are you talking about? Anyone's
bending out, straightening out. bit of

salt. Oh,

Stan, if only there was someone that
could go and put a bit of water in the

Couldn't we phone someone and ask them
to go and turn the gas off?

You talk out of back of your neck
sometimes.

How can they? It's all locked up in
here.

Shall I tell her or will you?

Oh, be careful.

There wouldn't be another accident.

I wouldn't bet on that.

Now, you sit in there behind your mark
and shut your mouth. You've done enough

damage for one day. Come on, though.
We've been the back of the... Get a move

on. Come on. Come on. Hurry up.

Hurry up.

Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up.

Hurry up. Hurry up.

You're what?

I'll drive.

I'm not taking any chances with you now.
Come on. I'm not as sober as anyone,

mate. Get on. All right, all right.

Thank you.

What happened to you then?

They ran over the wheel of my bike. I've
got to push it all the way home now.

Well, we're sorry we can't give you a
lift.

Never mind. Merry Christmas, mate.

Yeah.

Oh, look at that, look.

I've gone and missed a Queen's speech
and all now.

Well,

I can't spin it, can you?

No, see, I wonder what sort of sight
it's in. Well, it can't be burning, can

Let's go and turn the oven on. Right,
let's do that.

Potatoes are boiled over.

Torch it's foam.

Look at it.

What? What's in the sheet?

Oh, shut up, you stupid idiot.

Evening, all.

I've been keeping watch till you got
back.

Yeah, what's all this? What's all this
then?

You ought to be a bit more careful, sir.
Your house could have burned down while

you were out enjoying yourself.

Harry?

There was smoke pouring through that
window. So the fire brigade was called.

What stupid great idiot did that? Yeah,
I did, sir. Oh, well, very patient of

you. Good thing for you some people are
working today. We can't all enjoy the

holiday, you know.

If you don't mind, sir, I must be
getting along.

I'm off duty now, and my Christmas
dinner will be waiting for me. Oh, by

way, I think your turkey's still in the
oven.

Oh! Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Get it out!

Hang on a minute.

Hang on, I can't find the other.

Oh, I think we're in luck, Mum.

I think... Oh,

Dad.

The lovely bird's all shrunk.

That's your fault, isn't it? Going out
for lunchtime, getting booed. Don't you

start on me, mate. It was your sister
who drove the bike in the bus, wasn't

Oh, Dad, what are we going to do, love?

Well, I don't know what you're crying
for.

Blimey, you've always wanted a white
Christmas. Now you've got one, haven't