Original subtitles

Oh, Robbie, I've had it up to date yet. Come on, mate.

Let's push off home, shall we? Yeah, watch it.

Dracula's on the warpath. He's bearing his fangs.

Yeah. I can see him. Sharpen his pencil on his teeth.

Oi, come here, you two. I want a word with you.

Here. He looks thirsty. If he asks for your blood group, don't answer.

What do you want?

Just a style of you, look.

Oh, you are a scruffy, dirty pair of toe rags, honestly.

You're a disgrace to the uniform.

Look at you, look. What have you been doing? Sleeping, innit?

Only when he's driving.

What's all this rubbish here? What's that?

It's all the rags from my windscreen.

The company supplied proper cleaning cloths for that.

That can go in the bin right away.

No, no, not that one.

That's my handkerchief.

It's absolutely revolting.

The company will not have such revolting, disgusting objects put in its

uniforms. I don't see that. They've got you in one.

You talk about uniforms, mate. Look at them. They've dropped the pieces.

I'll show you something. Look at that. Look.

Yeah, look at that there. That's his court in pocket.

Well, what he means is this, you see. When I take a bird out, you see, she

me out of my pocket like this. She thinks she's safe. Then suddenly she

out she's not, she is.

Those uniforms are only meant for working in it. Yeah, it's not a bird's e

It has to work for the army.

You're depraved.

I bet you tore that deliberately, didn't you? Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Of course I didn't. What's this here? Oh, it's just a magazine. Come on, tell

me. That's my magazine.

Don't open it.

No, don't open it.

Company's uniform.

That's absolutely disgusting.

Bitches are nude females.

The only book you're allowed to have in that pocket is a road map.

Yeah, well, I use that for finding me way around and all.

No laughing matter, you know.

Look at it. Look at it all bulging out. Look. I mean, mate, if you think that's

bulging out, have a look at that.

You are too lecherous, love. That's basically wasting your money on that

rubbish. I don't buy that sort of thing. No, I happened to find that on the bus.

Yeah, and listen, apart from all that, what's all this nonsense about our

uniforms? Well, the company, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that all

busmen will be issued with a new type of uniform.

And I, in my infinite wisdom, have decided that you two are going to act as

guinea pigs.

Hey, I resent that implication.

So do I.

And listen, why pick one of us two?

Because you're the dirtiest, scruffiest, untidiest bastard in the whole deck,

though, that's why.

If a uniform lasts two weeks on you, it'll last two years on a normal

Those have got to be specially made. You've got to fill them in with your

measurements. And I want them back first thing tomorrow morning. And I'll take

that right to the lost property office right away.

Oh, she's right, kid.

He knows they don't open for another two hours.

Don't worry, he won't be taking her back for another two years.

Puppy, you. You, you puppy.

But, sir, could you sign my way, Bill? Oh, certainly, my dear. So I'll pick it

up. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no.

I never thought you... Yes, well, it's a perfectly logical explanation for me

having that, you see. Yeah, I'll tell you what it is, Mr. C. You see, we are

going to have new uniforms.

And you see that bird there with the two beads and the fig leaf? That's going to

be yours.

Come on, Stan, hurry up. Love, you'll be late again.

All right, stop nagging, Mum, will you? Oh, well, I don't know what you do in

the morning, really, I don't. I call you early enough, but you're always late.

Well, I overdone it, didn't I? Yes, you did.

Come on. Oh, dear.

What? This form here, I forgot to put my measurements on it.

Measurements? What are you having measured?

Well, me and Jack, we're having new uniforms.

Have you got a tape measure, Mum?

No, Oliver, I can't get it, love. Come on and have you. Here, here, dear. Oh,

all right, all right. I really don't know.

Oh, it does him a shame, them throwing away them uniforms after only one year.

Oh, don't throw them away, Mum.

Oh, if they did, they'd come crawling back.

Oh, that's not very nice.

I can't find my tape measure upstairs anywhere.

You were using it in bed last night.

Using the tape measure in bed?

I was using it to measure me knitting.

You knitting in bed, love?

I always knit myself to sleep. Don't I, Arthur?

Always.

Yeah, don't you keep Arthur awake, love?

No, he was doing his pool.

Sexy beast.

No, no, here's the tape measure. Stand up. It's in my pocket.

Righto, then. Come on. Let's get this measure.

Pleasure me up. I'm in the middle of my back. Ready? Come on, then. Give me the

pencil, love.

I'll try to have my breakfast, you know.

Left arm, 28 inches.

Left arm, 28 inches.

Right arm, 32 inches.

You know, one hand on the lever. Oh, don't be dark, Mum.

Oh, now I remember.

You did have one ear stick out more than the other when you were little.

Yeah, but not four inches.

Make that 28 inches.

28 inches. Right. Well, still make it the same.

What are you talking about? How can it be?

Give us that.

You can't trust her to do anything, can you? She's measured it from the 60

inches downward. She's silly great. No, no, no, no.

Make it 28 inches. Right, now. Well, you know she's not very good with figures.

Come on, now. Get on with it. Now, get it right this time, Olive.

Waist 32 inches.

Oh, nice.

Hip 38 inches. 38?

Oh, you're like me. You've got a 40 -inch bust.

What are you talking about bust?

I don't have a bust. Fellas don't have a bust.

Fellas are built different than women.

which he's found out.

No, it's you. I haven't had much chance.

Most women of my age are grandmothers by now.

Yeah. I am getting a little sick and tired with all the insults I get in this

family. Oh, no, no, Arthur.

I treat you just like one of me own.

Do you?

Yeah. Well, how is it that my sausages are smaller than his?

I thought I gave you equal shares.

You did. You gave him more sausage, me more grease.

Well, I've ordered some childish things, mate, but that beats the cake. I am not

being childish.

It was the same with the Brussels sprouts yesterday.

Oh, we're not going to have that all over again, are we? The thing still

remains, mate, that you had 13 whilst I had nine.

Oh, Blockley, we'll settle this for all.

In case he starts counting the baked beans. Give us that bake measure. Give

it here.

What are you going to do, love? Measure each sausage.

Yours, right?

Right, yours?

Mine? Right, what's that say?

Oh, you are. What? Your sausage is half an inch longer than mine.

That's because yours is bent.

Go on.

Go on.

Might be the same length, but mine happens to be thinner.

You're just being cussy, aren't you? Here, it's only thinner because it's

darker. It's like Olive. When she wears dark things, she looks thinner.

You could have fooled me.

Look, come here. Take that tape measure, Olive. Now, measure that round.

Very nice, then. I tell you what, love, I've got a couple of fish fingers.

I'll warm them up for you. No, no, no. You'd better measure them first.

Otherwise, you'll swear blind you're giving him one finger and one thumb.

LAUGHTER Hello, darling.

Hello, Chalky.

All right.

Go on, Jack.

All right, you two.

Feel any nose forms, have you?

Oh, one minute. I've got one here. Here you are.

Yeah, Flaky, these new uniforms, are they going to be any different?

Well, as you're the first two to wear them, you might as well come and have a

look and see what the management's chosen for you. I've got a sketch in

Yeah, that's what you're supposed to look like.

like Mick Jagger.

That's nothing, mate. I just look like Marianne Faithfull.

Now, listen here, you two.

The management's spent a lot of money on these designs. Now, if you want to keep

your job here, you want to get used to the idea of wearing these. What colour

are they going to be?

Silver grey.

Ah, that's it. I can't wear that.

Why not?

It don't match the colour of my eyes.

Are you joking?

Yeah. Harper and Butler got them new uniforms on yet, haven't they? I haven't

seen them yet.

I think they're standing back for them.

What?

They've been in there for nearly an hour now.

Ain't it marvellous, eh? It don't matter what they do, they're always late out.

Oh, well.

I can't wait now.

Tell them to report to me as soon as they've had their lunch, will you?

Show yourself, darling.

I can't see you, mate.

Back off a second. We're doing it up here. We're giving a show. We're giving

show. Partly, partly, the last of us have the great pleasure in presenting

two -piece driving ensemble.

Modelled for you here by Stanley.

Show them the walk, dear.

I must seem straight.

Yeah, don't I?

Now, I'm sure this outfit will prove very popular.

at the end of the season.

Now, I want you to notice the matching cap, which has two positions, forwards

for driving and backwards for reversing.

You will also notice the matching buttons on the cuff, which are put there

special touch of elegance.

Also, to stop you from wiping your nose on your sleeve.

Now, the special double -vented pockets are... designed to give Stanley plenty

of room for his essentials.

Show them your essentials.

Well, you'll notice, fellas, this pocket here is for my tyre pressure gauge,

this pocket here is for my windscreen wiper, and this one for my dipstick

standing in mood fancy free and with careless abandon slips out of his jacket

can see the transparent empire made nylon see -through shirt through which

can get a glimpse of the outline of Stanley's string face and

just a squeaky weeny itsy peep at the elastic top of his Y -front.

What about the conductors?

All right, darling, don't rush us. Come on, Jackie, darling, get up and show

yourself. Give me that, darling.

Careful,

darling.

Now, you can see my travel companion, Jackie, has this jacket here set off to

match... Do you mind? You've spilled it all over him.

He's matching pouch. Yeah, yeah.

Which has the latest wet look.

Has it?

You just spilled your teal down at your top.

This is ridiculous, isn't it?

No, I'm going to take this up with the unit. We'll have it out with the

management. Come on.

Oh, all right. Before we cut the business.

What did you expect, mate, putting us in uniforms like this? It couldn't change

our personalities.

If you've got any complaints, you go to the management about it. But I'm not

having them uniforms spoiled the first day.

Dan?

Here's your lunches. All right, well, darling, thanks very much.

There you are, mate.

There you are. Banger's a match for you. Thank you. Get stuck in, mate. That's

the idea.

You're not going to eat in them clothes, are you?

Of course we're going to eat in them. What do you think we're going to do,

Well, be careful then. Right.

Oh, no, look at that. Look, I'll trust you. What? Trust you to choose that

sloppy spaghetti, bolognese and all that sloppy gravy.

Well, be... Oh, look.

You're dripping all drops there.

silver grey uniform it'll make a nasty stain on it I can't see if they've got

some silver grey shoes shall I I'm responsible for them uniforms until

been approved ah judge of face

Push her for me.

Daddy, what's that?

Ah, what's in this?

Okay.

Don't talk to her.

Daddy, feed me.

Don't talk to her. I'm only trying to help you. Don't act stupidly.

Now, now, daddy must eat dada or dada will smack his body.

Listen,

mate, I will eat my food how I like it, whether you like it. Look at you, don't

do all this stuff. I nearly left it with myself. Get out of here.

Butler, I insist you take that jacket off before eating that.

Look, mate, I've taken trousers off and all.

How about that, then?

Goatness of life, they're ridiculous.

Well, come on, Jack, we'll eat in the cab across the road.

Do you mind if we leave?

Or do you want to bring up Wendy's?

Jackass.

Well, let's face it, Jack.

We'll have a right couple of twits tarted up in this lot.

Oh, don't worry about it. I'm going to take it up with the union.

I mean, blimey, we're supposed to look like busmen, not Peruvian postmen.

Don't look now, mate, but I think those couple of birds are clocking us over

there.

Blimey, mate, a fat chance we stand in this stupid clobber. No, I'm not

They're coming over now.

Hey,

we are having some trouble with the money.

How much is this coin in your English money?

Oh, I'm sorry, love. I don't understand it. I'm sorry. Oh, I thought you would

know because you're airline pilot.

Airline pilot?

Yes. I thought because of your uniform.

Airline pilot?

Oh!

Airline pilots?

No, darling, no, you've got it wrong. We're not airline pilots. No, no, no,

you're quite right, darling. See, what he meant was we're not both pilots, is

he? He's a pilot and I'm, like, his navigator. Oh, yeah. Isn't that right,

Oh,

yes, yes.

Yes.

What money is that, then?

Swedish. Do you know it?

Do you fly to Sweden?

No, we're on the New York run.

Are we?

Oh, no.

Birgit. Yeah, well, why don't you ask her to join us then?

Yeah, okay, okay.

You flocked, you flocked the other morning about flying.

Look, mate, you went on that holiday chart at the Majorca. You saw what went

I didn't. I was sloshed going out and sick coming back.

Listen, I'll just leave it at that.

That is Birgit. Hello.

And I am Ingrid.

Oh, well, this is Stan Butler.

Captain Butler.

And I'm Jack Harper.

He's a captain and all.

Well, won't you sit down? Yeah, thanks very much. Not till you're both done.

Oh, well.

Oh, I think it must be very nice to fly clean.

Is it very difficult?

No, not really. As a matter of fact, it's just like driving a bus.

say ignorant love.

No, hang on, no.

No.

Stanley, Stanley, Stanley, she's quite right. How could a pretty bird like that

be wrong?

I think your work must be very dangerous.

Yeah, it is with him at the controls.

Well, tell me, what are you two birds doing over here, then? We are here to

learn your English language.

Yeah, well, come out with us, you'll learn a lot more than you will at

You mean those idiomatic phrases?

Yeah, yeah, who knows?

Yeah, yeah, who knows? Oh, yeah, well, we've got to leave you now, because

got to get back to the garage.

The airport.

Yeah, well, what about you two birds coming out with us tonight, then? I

we're free, we're not flying again till tomorrow.

Oh, well, I do not know.

We have been told to be very careful with you airline pilots.

They're not like other pilots.

We're much more down to earth, eh?

You'll be all right when our son is here, Will. All right, we'll meet you at

half past seven at night, then, OK?

Well, er, yes, yes.

OK, OK. Oh, and perhaps tomorrow we can come and see you at... Take It Off?

With a bit of luck, we might see him take it off first.

What a beautiful morning this morning, isn't it, eh?

Here, I tell you, these uniforms, they work the treat with the birds, don't

they, eh? Oh, they do, mate, yeah.

What time did you get home last night?

I didn't get home last night.

I came straight here.

These Swedish birds are exhausting, aren't they? They are, boy.

Must be all that midnight sun they have. Yeah. How did you get on, then? I got a

smashing goodnight kiss.

Oh, you little devil.

Oh, don't worry, mate. I'll be all right tonight.

How about you?

I was all right last night.

Stop rolling about and get them new uniforms off right away.

Eh? What?

Yes, you two put the poison in so well, none of the other busmen would wear

them. Oh, no, no, we like them now. We think they're lovely, don't we, Jack?

Well, you're too late, mate. The management's decided to drop the whole

Come on, get them off.

Can I wear mine just for tonight?

No, you can't.

I'll tell you what you can do. What?

Kiss it goodbye.

That won't be the only thing I'll be kissing goodbye.

Look, mate, if we turn up in our civvies, they won't know the difference,

they? Oh, yeah.

Hey,

Chalky. Go and tell them two layabouts, Butler and Hart, but they're late out,

will you? They're in the canteen.

Right.

Inspector, yes?

Why, yes, miss. Can I do anything for you at all?

We wish to go to the museum.

What bus is for there?

Ah, the museum, yes.

Number 9, due out in three minutes.

Get off at Acker Street, and you'll find it on the left facing you on the right.

Right, OK, frankly, we change.

See,

well, then I... How did they make leave?

They make leave.

Come again?

They are friends.

But why are they dressed like that?

Your friends?

These two?

I do not understand.

They said they were airline pilots.

Yeah, well, you see, it's a bit of a mix -up.

Yeah, well, you see, them being Swedish, Blake, you see... Are you not Captain

Butler? Are you not Captain Harper?

Captain Butler?

Captain Harper?

What have you been telling these two girls?

They do not fly a young boy yet plane to Newark.

of a number 11 bus to the cemetery gates, in fact.

Oh, well,

you're all cleared for take -off then, Captain.

Would you like to climb into your cockpit and taxi down the high street

course for the cemetery gates?

Captain of a jumbo.

Well,

we made a right mess of that, mate, didn't we? No, never mind. We had our

You mean you had your fun?

Well, now I know how Cinderella felt when the clock struck twelve.

So, mate, let's get this yumbo yet out.