Original subtitles

We want to get home, mate. If you'll all keep quiet for a moment, I'll explain.

Well, it's not... Hold up there.

Silence. The Fiora wants to speak.

Let's have a bit of respect, shall we? Well, Hitler won't mind. He's dead.

Tweet.

The company have decided to remove the basic causes of delays on the buses.

Marvellous. We're not going to carry any more passengers.

No, I tell you what, they're going to get rid of him.

Tweet.

The company, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that each bus will have two

-way radio installed in its cab. Well, what's that got to do with us

then? Well, if anything happens to the driver, the conductor will still be

to get through to the base, won't he?

Right. And the first bus to have one installed will be your number 11, the

to the cemetery gates.

Well, why pick on us, then?

Because a time and motion survey has shown it to be the slowest and most

unpunctual in the whole town, that's why.

You should see the traffic from the high street to the cemetery gates. It's

packed, mate. It's got nothing to do with it. The survey shows that the

are getting there before you.

Blimey, mate, they don't have to stop to pick up passengers.

Well, only one, and he couldn't care less where he's going.

Listen to this, will you?

Each bus will be fitted with a two -way radio receiver like this. Thank you,

Miss Woodall.

Now then, there will be a central control in my office there.

Manned by Miss Woodall, who will serve directly under me.

Now, this is the basic two -way receiver.

You have to learn the controls. That is the on position, that is the off. That's

known as the on -off button, right? I'm glad you told us that, otherwise we

wouldn't have known.

Now then, when you hear me call... You will

acknowledge... By lifting up the microphone here and pressing the button

left there like that.

So, right? Now, before you can use this apparatus, you have to learn a code to

identify yourself. Well, what code's that then? Just a moment, Miss Woodall,

thank you.

Now then, this code here is used to avoid any confusion whatsoever over the

A for Abel, B for Bertie, C for Charlie.

What's that, Mr. Ernst? C only stands for one thing. What's that?

Crumpet.

Oh, that's you two.

Ah, shut your mouth.

J for Juliet.

J for Juliet.

K for Katie.

Oh, stop.

You have to go on repeating those words over and over again.

Mind you, I find it a lot more stimulating than his usual conversation.

Well, I don't know why you have to learn them all. I've told you before, Mum,

we're having radio control in the cabs and I've got to learn this code.

Oh, for instance, you don't understand it, do you? No. If I was referring to

Olive, I'd call her Oscar.

Well, I don't think that's very nice.

Calling Olive Oscar?

I don't know. I think it suits her rather well.

Look, you haven't got it at all, have you? No. Look, her name's Olive, and

spelled O -L -I -V -E, right?

Right. So, in the code, I'd say, Oscar, love, idol, Victor, easy.

Eh? Sounds most appropriate.

Oh, sure.

What would Arthur be?

Do you really want me to tell you? No.

No, let me see then. A -R -T -H. Now, he would be, uh, Abel, Romeo.

Yeah, well, it's rather difficult being a Romeo when you happen to be married to

a woman who happens to be an Oscar.

Come on, Stan, love, eat up, your stew's getting all cold.

Anyway, I think the old thing is rather childish.

Busman's code?

I mean, why don't you just learn to speak the message properly?

Because it can easily be misunderstood.

I mean, if I report a bad fog...

You do talk... I didn't catch a single word of that.

Oh, well, shut up.

Let me get on with it. Here we are. Now then. I for Romeo, S for sugar, T for,

uh... I can't see that here.

T for tomato.

Tomato. Can't remember tomato, innit? Tomato ketchup, mate. You also got a bit

of G for gravy and S for stew.

What does all that mean, then?

He's a messy eater.

Oh, shut your face up.

Oh, is it?

It's Teva Tango. That's it. I'll do it once more.

Teva Tango.

Now, I'm going to practice on you now, Mum. I don't like it. Now, I'm going to

ask you what. Mum, would you mind passing me the Romeo Oscar Love Loves?

You ain't got it, see?

No. Have you? No.

Romeo Oscar Love Loves. That's the rose.

Oh, well, I don't think that's decent.

I'm not going into Baker's asking for that. Anyway, I don't see what this is

going to make to the bus service.

Well, they couldn't be much worse than they are now.

I mean, you stand there for an hour in a queue, then you get a dozen buses all

following one behind the other. Yeah, well, there's a reason for that, mate,

it's very technical.

Oh, what's that?

Well, the bloke in front's the only one who knows the way.

You may laugh, mate. You may laugh.

I mean, you're the driver. You always get a seat, don't you? Yeah.

I mean, you're crammed in there in a rush, are you?

stacked together like cattle. Oh, yes, he's right, love. Packed like sardines,

it's not decent.

Well, only the other day a man tried to pinch me.

What?

You shouldn't have gone for him, Mark. Oh, I did.

You said he was fumbling for his change.

Wasn't his change he was fumbling for?

That's quite right.

There was a man on the number nine bus.

He kept touching me. He was after me, all right.

I had witnesses.

You should have reported him. He could have got three months.

Well, for being after her, he'd have been found guilty but insane.

You should have complained to the conductor.

He was a real nasty type. He put his hand down on the seat just as I was

to sit down and I sat down on it. It was a terrible shock.

I bet it was.

Must have broken his wrist.

Pick on someone your own size.

Oh, shut up, a lot of you. Let me learn this, will you? Right.

F for Freddy, G for Georgie, H, H for hospital.

I mean, mate, look, I don't know why you bother.

I mean, why don't you learn yourself to speak properly?

My stance speaks lovely.

Oh, don't talk wet.

Your voice types you, mate.

In this country, you can tell what a man is immediately he opens his mouth. Oh,

can you, can you? Here, well, just a minute now. What about that lovely poem

recited at school?

Yeah. Yeah.

The record of Hesperus.

Hesperus. My dear man, that word is Hesperus.

I mean, how are you going to be understood over the radio if you

drop your H's?

You're a snob. That's what you are.

I can speak proper if I want to. All right, all right.

Repeat after me.

Hunting hounds have hardly ever hearkened to handsome Harold's hunting

It's a piece of cake, mate.

Go on then, go on.

Hunting hounds have hardly ever hearkened to handsome Harold's hunting

about that then? There you are, there you are.

Look, you dropped an H on hardly.

But he picked it up on heather.

Hunting hounds have hardly ever hearkened to Handsome Harold's hunting

Hunting hounds have hardly ever hearkened to Handsome Harold's hunting

Handsome Harold's hunting horn.

Oi. Who the hell's Handsome Harold?

Er, no, I was just brushing up on the code, mate. You know, we've got to get

right for our first radio trip, don't we?

Ah, it's a bloody new set, sir. Ah, it's not, you know.

We've got company.

Have we? Who?

Yeah, Joyce and Edna. They're coming with us. Sort of training.

They're thinking of issuing them with new equipment.

Well, I don't see why. Their old equipment looks good enough to me.

Here's to them.

When we turn around at the Seventy Gates, we'll have them to ourselves for

minutes.

Hello, darling.

Welcome aboard and never mind us.

Jack, Jack, Jack. Get a board. I'll tell them we're leaving. Here,

mate. Get your hand off that radio. The way you're acting, you'll probably blow

a fuse.

Hello? Hello?

Control here.

Calling Sugar Bertie 11.

Are you receiving me? This is the final check before leaving.

Over. Hey, who's Sugar Bertie?

That's me.

I'm Sugar Bertie.

Sugar Bertie. S -B stands for Stan Butler. Sugar Bertie. That's me. Sugar

Bertie?

All right, that's so, your dear, goes to the dimples.

Sugar Bertie, Sugar Bertie, are you receiving me? Over.

Sugar Bertie to control.

I'm ready to leave the depot. Over.

Sugar Bertie 11, why aren't you acknowledging me? Over.

Well, why aren't I receiving you then? Over.

Because you had the door shut. Over.

Stop. Go back inside and I'll start again.

No, there's no time now. Sugar Bun 11, you're clear. Over.

Okay, control.

Here, just a minute. Don't go yet.

I just found out why it wasn't working.

What's that then?

I didn't have the switch pressed down.

Here you are, darling. Oh, thank you.

Do you want one of my maroons?

No, thank you. I've not just now. All right.

Right, I'll just get back to control and tell Blake we've arrived at the

cemetery gates. Right.

Here, Stan.

Here. What? Tell him we won't be here for another ten minutes.

What are you talking about? We're here. Here, give us more time to chat up the

birds, see?

You've got your head screwed on, Blake. Right, yeah. Oh.

Ah.

Uh, sugar bird to 11.

Sugar bird to 11.

Hello? Control here.

Come in, Sugar Bertie. Where are you? What is your position?

We're stuck in the traffic jam at Hacker Street and we won't be at the cemetery

gate for another 20 minutes.

Over.

Message received, Sugar Bertie. Over.

See?

The system works.

I know exactly where they are.

Please keep me in order.

Message received, 11 .42, Miss Woodall. Right.

Hello, Sugar Bertie.

Proceed to the cemetery gates.

Wait there for seven minutes.

When you are ready to leave, call me back.

Over.

Yeah, look, I've been chatting up Joyce, so it is all yours, you lucky beast.

She fancies you. Yeah, yeah, you sure?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You take her off somewhere and I'll get in the bus with my bit.

Hang on.

Blimey, you've got all the bus.

This is a cemetery, you know.

What am I supposed to do, snog her up against one of the tombstones?

Listen, mate, inside of the bus is my pitch. You've got the cab.

Well, use your imagination.

Yeah,

well, we've just been up to Blakey. There's no headache.

Isn't there, love? Yeah. We've got another ten minutes, isn't there? I

I'd like you to come in. I'll show you how to work the radio in the cab, if you

like. Yeah, all right. Then come and join.

You're joking.

I think I'll stay here. I'll go inside with Jack.

Go on.

Yeah, well, I'll take off my ticket machine, then.

You'll have to get inside, love, you see, because I can't show you outside.

Oh, all right, then. Give us the hand up. Right, I'll up.

Excuse fingers.

I'll have to get inside, darling, because it's a bit... You're squeezing

look at that, the door's shut behind me.

I've never been in a driving suit before.

I've never had a passenger before, to tell you the truth.

Here, hold on, Stan. You're squashing me. Yeah, well, I can't help it,

because it's only... Oh, look, I tell you what.

Look, put your arm round there.

See what I mean? More room for it then, you see.

What's that hissing noise?

Well, that's the radio. It's got to be kept on all the time, you see.

Do you mean he can hear everything we say?

No, no, no. No, he can get through to us any time he likes, but you see, he

can't hear me until I press the switch on the microphone.

Oh, yeah.

I think it's about time I checked to see whether that number 11 got the cemetery

gate yet.

Thank you.

Marvellous system, you know, Miss Woodall.

I can check on them any time I like.

I thought of this, you know.

Hello?

Control here calling Sugar Boat 11.

Are you... Receiving me.

Where are you? What is your position?

Are you receiving me?

Lovely.

Sugar Bertie 11.

Are you there yet? Over.

Not yet. I don't work that fast.

Oh, Stan.

Sugar Bertie. Sugar Bertie.

Are you sure he can't hear us? Of course he can't, darling. Not until I put the

switch down on the microphone. I've got to show you how it works anyway. Here we

go, look.

Now, I've got it like this, you see.

Right, that's it. Press the button down like this. Watch. Now, then.

Sugar Bertie 11 to Control.

Over. Sugar Bertie 11, Control here. Listen, button, you keep in closer

you understand? Over. Yeah, the closer the better.

We've arrived at the cemetery gates.

Don't, no, don't, don't.

Honey, none of the other busmen have had any of that. You're not having my luck.

Over and out.

Oh, oh. Here, are you positive he can't hear?

Oh, how many more times I've got to tell you, darling? Of course he can't, not

until you put the switch down.

Now, look, sweetheart, we've only got another seven minutes.

Oh, come on.

Oh, I'm all for this radio control, you know.

Now, this is what I call radio control.

Hello?

Hello? That was Butler's voice. Hello? Are you receiving me?

Are you receiving me?

Over. You know, you see, you get lonely in a cab, you know.

And do you know something?

I fancied you.

The first time I saw you in a depot, I fancied you.

And off the eyes.

You look really in there. Because you're different, you see.

Yeah. I bet you've got a lot of boyfriends, ain't you?

Goes there.

It's the passengers who want to get on. Oh, isn't it marvellous, eh?

If it wasn't for the passengers, this would be a decent sort of a job. Come

love. Here's the thing. Can you get any music on that radio of yours? No, of

course you can't. Oh, yes, you can. A bloke at the depot showed me how to do

You got a nail folder?

We can do it. It's quite easy. All you do is shove it in the back there. Hey!

Listen, mate, I'm responsible for that, you know. That's all right. Show me how

to do it. Well, don't mess about.

Delta Tango 14, are you receiving me? Delta Tango 14, are you receiving me

That must be one of our blokes on the 14 route.

Tango 14, are you receiving me, number 14?

He's got his lardy dog voice, hasn't he?

Let's see if we can chat with him.

Sugar Birdie 11 here, are you receiving me, number 14? Over.

Delta Tango 14, we are going to Chicago via London, New York and Boston. Over.

Take my advice, mate. You go to the gasworks by the ice cream.

Otherwise, they'll get me off you.

Delta Tango 14, will you get off my wavelength, please? Otherwise, I report

to central control.

Ever.

Cheeky devil.

Go on, give him a mouthful. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sugar Tango here. You can go and get Sugar Tango, Uncle Freddy Freddy, Easy

Delta.

Delta Tango 14, what code are you using? Ever.

A busman's code, of course. How much?

Delta Tango 14.

Delta Tango 14.

Where are you? What is your height? What is your height? You'd better keep

clear. What is your height? Ever?

Five foot two in me shop. What's yours?

Delta Tango 14.

Will you get off my wavelength? I'm coming in for my final approach.

Final approach? Blimey, that's not a bus. That's a plane.

It'll be dark. I can't get aeroplanes on here. Look, he's up there. Look, mate.

Oh, blimey, he used to.

Oh, look at him.

Hey, look, that's what they felt. The tango is, you see. DT on his wing, see.

Quick, quick, get this back to normal. Or I'll get shot.

Sugar Bertie 11, are you receiving me? Please acknowledge.

Over. That's it, that's it, that's it. Yeah, I'll twiddle it and get her better

than that. Oh, no, you won't, mate.

Blimey, first you get her in France, and next you'll have the police, the

ambulance, and the lifeboat from Beachhead. Get going.

Come on, then.

Hang about.

Hang about. I've got to have a word with your driver.

Butler. What? What do you mean by sending out them filthy messages over

radio? It's not a tie, you know. What are you talking about?

Oh, yeah.

Blimey, I was only joking.

Joking?

You said I had nice eyes.

Well, if I said that, mate, I must have been joking.

You also said you fancied me.

I'm reporting you for that, Butler.

No busman's ever said anything like that to me before.

You must be using the wrong sort of soap.

Sugar Bertie 11.

Sugar Bertie 11.

Sugar Bertie 11.

Over. There's a burst of water main in Market Street, and he's diverted to

hold -up.

Now, did you hear that, Blakey?

You've got any passengers on board? No, I've slung them off at the last stop.

Right, so left into Adley Street and get a move on. Hang on, hang on. I don't

know that district very well.

I'm not getting a move on. I'm taking it easy.

Never mind about taking it easy or running late as it is. You get a move

getting on the back. That's what you do.

All right, then. That's the way you want it, mate.

All right, then. That's it, then.

I was thrown to the ground.

Oh, blimey, at least you fell on stomach soft. Thank you.

Yeah.

Well, anyway, let's argue in a tush like this.

Where's Blakey? Oh, he's all right. He's upstairs.

Upstairs?

Have you seen the... Blakey, Blakey, are you all right?

Oh, blimey, Blakey, I've got to be honest, that's the first time I've been

to see you.

You did it on purpose, didn't you?

You're trying to kill me. No, it's not me, mate. It was your idea to go around

that way.

I mean, this ain't a single deck of bus, you know.

It is now.

I'll get you for this, butler.

I'll never forget that as long as I live. I saw that horse coming at me.

I just tucked down in the nick of time.

Well, thank God we got a radio on board anyway.

Get in that cab.

Get back to base. Tell them we're marooned out here stuck under a bridge.

It's a good idea, but there's only one thing wrong with that.

What? Radios don't work under a bridge.

What did the manager say?

Oh, what could he say?

I mean, it was Blakey's idea. I went round that way.

So I told him it was an act of God.

Well, I see.

I see they're taking the radios out of the buses, then. Yeah, yeah. Mind you,

the damage. God, blimey. It cost a bit. It cost about 10 ,000 quid.

Don't be daft, mate. I mean, a whole new bus only costs 3 ,000. Oh, I see. You

haven't got the message, have you?

Well, you see, our bus was stuck under that bridge harder than I thought.

Oh, yeah? What do you mean?

Well, when they took the bus away, the bridge fell down.