Original subtitles

Blimey. 30 quid to redecorate your bedroom?

Well, you can chuck that away for a start. I'm not paying for that, mate.

do you mean?

Well, it wants to do in love. It hasn't been done since Arthur and Olive got

married. 30 quid? Why didn't he do it himself?

Because I can't manage on my own. I've been waiting for you to give me a hand,

haven't I?

That's what's wrong with our marriage.

You're always finding an excuse not to do anything.

Yeah, well, there are some things I can't help him to do.

Something's got to be done. That bedroom's unhygienic. Oh, blimey, Mum,

all that bad.

Yes, it is.

It hasn't been done for nine years.

Yeah, it was patched up for our wedding.

Everything was patched up for our wedding.

No, it wasn't. You didn't have your operation till two years later.

What do you give over about my operation?

Look, mate.

Let's get back to the bedroom. It's quite disgusting.

If you saw it in broad daylight, you'd have a shock.

I did.

I went in your bedroom yesterday and she was prancing around in her roll -ons.

Did you all prance around in my roll -on?

Certainly not.

When you've got them on, you can hardly move.

Oh, Mum, did you hear what he said to me? Do you think he should speak to me

like that? I'll never interfere between husband and wife. It can upset a very

happy marriage.

Not much danger of that.

Right, that's my lot. I'm off.

Oh, no, you don't. You don't go slipping away. You're coming upstairs.

Have a look at that room and see what can be done.

For God's sake, Mum, come on then. I've got to get to the demo.

Let's go up and see what needs doing. Come on.

Well,

well, not much wrong with us, is there? What?

Well, it'd look a lot better if she made the bed.

Look, mate, the hold of this room is disintegrating.

I mean, look, look at that.

That's only a bit damp.

Damp?

Here, you like mushrooms, don't you? Yeah.

Help yourself to a patty coming out the sink.

Don't be funny.

Look, mate, this place isn't fit for human habitation.

Oh, for God's sake, stop moaning. Look, I'll pay my whack in this house, mate.

I'm entitled to decent accommodation.

You want to think yourself lucky, Matt, I tell you that. If I advertised this

room down at the depot, next week I'd have ten fellas sleeping in here.

Yes, and it's terrible.

Do you know what, Mum? There's one bloke down our place, he's in a room, no

bigger than this, and he's got six kids.

Oh, eight in one room?

Well, not exactly. He's got a couple of lodgers up on top of the wardrobe.

Do you mind not being so facetious?

Are you going to give me an ad for this, or do I bring the builders in?

You give him an ad, love. Oh, all right, all right, all right.

Well, we'll knock it off one morning.

What a lot of rot you do talk.

One morning, undercoat, two finishes on the woodwork, that's one morning and

that's before we start to paint papers.

Papering? You must be out of your tiny mind, Max, not getting papered without

painting. No, I can get a stuff down our depot that goes rock hard in two hours

and I can get it cheap too.

Oh, lovely.

Oh, Mum, what colour shall we have?

Oh, I think we want a nice pastel shade, a nice pile of pink or a lovely mauve.

Look, it's got to be green or yellow.

Eh?

That's the colour they paint our buses.

I thought if I had it done, I'd like it red.

Well, I'll keep me noticing, if you like, and go and work for the London

Transport.

I think red's enough colour for a bedroom. It makes a woman look sexy.

Does it?

$10 I bought, Arthur.

How exciting I looked in it.

Oh, I'm afraid I must be colour blind.

Here. You say you get that paint sheet?

Yeah, of course.

Right. Well, I've been thinking it seems to me yellow and green are excellent

colours for a bedroom. Most tasteful. Right, that's settled then. See you tea

time. Bye now, love. With the paint. With the paint. And a few brushes. All

right.

Favourite. Favourite? Yeah.

Here, you reckon I'll let me have it cheap, the paint?

Oh, no, you're not going to pay for it.

What do you think I was going to do?

Don't be daft, mate.

All you've got to do, buy Nobby a couple of pints of bitter, he'll give you two

gallons of eye gloss for nothing.

A couple of pints of bitter for two gallons of paint?

Brushes, wood, upholstery, anything you like. They'll all have it.

Blimey, no wonder they count the buses every night.

A couple of pints of bitter. I have two gallons of water. Listen, mate, it's

busman's perks. If the governor can do it, we can do it. Oh, come on, Jack the

governor, don't pinch me.

Hiya. Why do you think they've changed the lettering on the buses to metallic

bronze? So that Nobby here can spray his jag.

Yeah, but... Yeah, but... Touch it up here and there. Touch it up? They said

coats. Isn't that right, Nobby?

28, but who's counting?

I'll tell you another thing. He fills up his tank here and all.

Oh, come on. Now, you know as well as I do how buses run on diesel oil, not

petrol. Yeah, he's not that daft. This happens to be the only Jag fitted with a

diesel. Now, I'm telling you, mate, you can have what you like.

Now, they're all at it. Here, Nobby, show us your job card, will you? Here

are. Here you are. Have a good day.

Complete electrical overload on check on bus number 74682.

Five hours allowed.

Yeah. So what? So what? Well, he spent ten minutes on the bus fixing the

and four hours fifty on the jag fixing the cigar lighter.

And you all wanted about two gallons of pint.

Oh, you can have what you can take. So long as the Gestapo don't catch you.

Gestapo. Gestapo.

Gestapo. What are you two doing round here?

Strictly no admittance, you know it isn't. I was just pointing out to

Stan here, the shop steward, how the company's profits are being squandered

the governor's jag. Isn't that right, Nobby? Now, don't you start all

round here, mate.

You know Mr Adams, the general manager, is entitled to use that car as and when

he thinks fit on the company business. Yeah, all right, all right. Yes, well,

all right. Here comes Adam's secretary now.

Yeah, another of the boss's perks.

Also gets service as and when required.

Good morning, Mr Blake. Good morning, Mr Fletcher.

I wouldn't mind banging her in the putt and running over her chassis.

No, no, no, no, no.

Mr.

Adams won't be wanting the car till late tonight. He'll be working overtime.

Yeah, I bet he will.

Praise you, Charles.

We finished at seven o 'clock, miss. Oh, good.

Stop.

extra sleigh about you.

I reckon that's what they call one of the boss's fringe benefits.

Well, don't look now, mate, but I can see her fringe.

She happens to work for Mr. Adams, and he treats her in exactly the same way as

you do the clippies. Filthy beast.

When I was in the army, mate, we had a medicine for blokes like you.

See out there, look.

Yeah. It's a big bus, look. Yeah, big bus. A big green double -decker.

Yeah. Now, I want you two to go out there and get in it and get out.

Come on, then, we'll make it, Moby. Come in. Hang on, hang on, hang on. I want

to see Nobby about the paint. That's right, mate. We're entitled to our

What the governor can have, we can have.

Well, if that's the case, the governor can have the paint and I'll have his

secretary.

Two's up on that, mate.

Nobby.

Uh, if you fancy a couple of pints of bitter.

Well, where is he, then?

He knows he's due out.

Well, I think he had to go to the loo.

Go to the loo?

He's worse than the clippies.

What's he, curling his hair now, then?

Look, I've got other buses to worry about besides yours, you know. When he

along, you both get in and get out.

Oi, come on, Chalky, get in out of it.

It is now.

Wait,

wait. What?

What are you doing?

Oh, yeah, I was just giving Nobby and with the fire buckets.

And with the fire buckets?

Yeah.

You're paid to drive buses, mate, not make sand pies.

Get that cab out of it, go on. Yeah. No, it's a phone now. All right.

Where's the paint?

Don't be daft. Don't be daft, mate. I'm not an idiot, am I?

Oh, very clever. Clever, clever. Right, get him in. Get him in, mate. Yeah,

that's it.

Yeah.

That's it.

Get it to the yellow paint.

Here's the hardener.

You mix that up with the paint and make it dry quickly. Here's the hardener,

right. Here's the bottle of special thinners. Now, go very careful with

And remember what I told you. Don't sniff it because it gives off dangerous

stools. Keep that sack away from you. Yeah, all right.

Do you hear the boozer? Right over there, Nobby, yeah, right.

You idiot, open the door!

Nobby just smashed that bottle, look!

It's the door over the cab!

Nobby, the laugh stinks, you know he was right.

Look, take a deep breath, dive round the corner, we'll clean up. Yeah, all

right, one minute, let's get a breather.

All right, here we go.

I've got to get out.

What's it? It's dark. Come on, get back in.

Hang about.

It's an emergency. Hang about.

Hang about, mate.

There's been a water main burst in the high street. There's a diversion.

I've got it here. Yeah, all right. I'll watch it. I'll watch it. Hang about.

I've got it here, Sam. Wait, wait. Here we are.

Turn left on Elvis Road.

Achoo!

He's got hay fever. Hay fever? What, in the middle of winter?

Well, it's a fumes in the engine, in the cab.

Fumes in the cab? Oh, no, not that bad, not that bad. It's all right, it's all

right.

But I must go, I must go.

You must, isn't it marvellous, eh?

He's always late out, and the very first time I want to hold him up and have a

word with him, he wants to dash out like a lunatic. Now, you just hold on a

minute, mate.

I'll give it a signal from the off -way.

Turn left at Oldman's Road, out the ice.

You all

right, mate?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be all right. All right?

He's crying his eyes out, look.

You ain't got no trouble at home, have you? No.

There's tears coming down his little face, look.

Yeah, well, that's because he's breaking his heart because he's got to leave

you.

Either that or he's crying because he's seen you.

Twit. There you are. There you are.

Oh,

my God, thank you.

What's the matter? Have all the fumes gone to your skin?

No, no, what's that one back there?

What's this then?

Ah, that's what it is, yeah.

By the way, that's the brush knob he gave you. It's a good and certain

Guaranteed not to lose its bristles.

That's a lot for a start.

Well, there you are.

That's it.

That's a lot.

Come out of it, come out of it.

I think we've done a very good job, this, then.

I didn't see much sweat on you, mate.

Well, I mixed the paint, didn't I?

Big deal.

Here you are, lads. I brought you another cup of tea. Lovely, ma 'am.

We've finished it, ma 'am. What are you thinking of it then, eh? Well, it looks

very nice.

Yep.

I'll put two coats of paint on everything.

Including me.

Well, you've done very well. It's only one o 'clock. Yeah. Do you know what? I

nearly used up two gallons of paint. You know what? You drank up three gallons

of tea.

Oh, look.

They've even painted the chest.

Yeah,

I did that.

He had to, he spilt a tin of paint on it.

I don't think it's very nice.

Don't you touch it, it's still wet.

Here, will it dry all glossy like that?

No, dry all fluffy. He went and leant against it before he'd finished.

It won't show when it's dried out.

When will that be, love?

In a couple of hours' time.

That's that new paint I was telling you about, Mum, that I got down at the

depot, you know. It dries rock hard in no time. Do you know what? You can chuck

boiling water at it, bash it with an hammer. It even stands up to sand, grit,

snow, rain, hot tar, even flying gravel.

Very useful.

We have those things in our bedroom every night.

You've got a lot of paint on your head.

Oh,

blimey, I have to shampoo it off.

Oh, it's very hard to get paint off air.

What air?

You know what shampoo, mate?

Get yourself a bit of sandpaper and rub it off.

Make a shine out of it all.

Anyway, I've got to go.

Mind if I paint you?

Yeah, mind if I paint you, lad? All right. Now, Mum, listen.

In a couple of hours' time, just a couple of hours' time, you can put all

furniture back where it came from. Ooh!

Yeah. And now, remember the olive?

Just think, you and Arthur can sleep in a nice, brand -new bedroom.

Oh, everything nice and fresh.

Oh, just like a second honeymoon.

Yeah, well, that will take more than a couple of coats of paint.

Now, now, now, get up and get yourself cleaned up. Come on, give me these cups.

Where's the other one?

God,

mate, what a day, eh? Yeah.

Painting all day, driving all night.

I tell you what, mate, I'm beat.

I'm going to have a glass of beer. Do you fancy one, then? Oh, well, it's 12 o

'clock. I shouldn't stop. Still, you're going to twist my arm.

It's on there.

There he is. You won't like getting him up here.

Stay! Come up here!

Stay! Stay!

Oh, blimey. I suppose he wants a bit to see the bedroom now that the furnace is

back in place.

Well,

you don't sound too happy to me. I think you'd better go up.

Yeah, well, keep my arm in there. I won't be long, then. Yeah, right, then.

Put them in, mate? Yes, do come in. I'd like to show you something, Sam.

Have a look at the paint.

Yeah, great, ain't it?

What a lovely shine.

Yeah, of course it is.

Because it's still wet.

You and your two -hour paint.

What are you talking about? It's supposed to dry like that.

It's an odd gloss paint, mate. That's why it dries... Oh, blimey.

I might have known nothing good could come out of your ruddy best step -over,

mate. Don't blame me, mate.

I mean, after all, seven down, you mixed the paint, didn't you?

Because I know what's happened. You didn't put enough hardener with it.

Hardener? What hardener?

Don't tell me you didn't put any hardener in it at all.

You didn't tell me to, you stupid fool. Why didn't you tell me? Don't call me a

stupid fool. I told you I'd put it in. The trouble you is, mate, you don't

listen to anything I say.

You should have read the instructions on the can.

I couldn't, because when you pinched the paint, you tore the label off, didn't

you? Is it too late to put any hardener in now?

I can just scrape it off the wall and put it back in the tin again, you

Yeah, isn't it awful?

Stan, do you think that Ollie's air dryer would dry Torf a bit?

Oh, don't talk wet.

It takes five hours to dry her air with that thing and then it dries all frizzy.

Guys, we don't want a stepwood effect.

Well, there's nothing we can do about it now. I'll wait and I'll get to the tap.

I'll ask Nobby, see if he can think of something.

Where are we going to sleep?

In your bed.

We can't sleep in here, mate. All the walls are still wet. You told me you've

been sleeping in this room for nine years, but it's all damp.

I don't see the difference, mate. There's nothing we can do about it now.

We'll have to see about it in the morning.

Oh, God.

I should... You and your blasted paint, I should have bought it in the shop.

There's no bedside light. How are we going to switch the light off? Well, you

get into bed, loves, and I'll switch it off at the door.

Oh, all right, then. Here, don't put that on there. The paint's still wet.

This is ridiculous.

Can't you do something?

Yeah, I'll stick a nose on the door. Of course, it's wet paint. Oh, by the way,

if you and Olive decide to play postman's knock, don't lean up against

mate, because it's all wet.

What do you want them for?

I want to go to the bathroom.

Can't you do anything without your glasses?

I can't see the way.

Well, put the light on.

The fridge is by the door. Look, mate, you've done that journey three times

every night for the last nine years.

You don't know any blindfold, now shut up.

You told me it was good for the complexion, you stupid... Olive, give me

hand out.

I love you.

You're all wet in paint.

It's all right. Not on my face.

Here, give us the hand.

Oh, look.

He's broken the drawer.

That's Olive's bottom drawer.

No, it's his bottom drawer.

Yeah, well, perhaps I will just for a moment. Just have a stick, love. Ow!

I'm riddled with splinters, it's agony.

I haven't been, dear.

I'll even look after you. Aye.

up anywhere.

Let Stan have a go. Oh, no, love, you can have my reading glass.

Go on, give him the next one.

Hold your head still, you're flying off bat, you are, without them.

Right, now then.

Do you two mind leaving the room?

Go on, get out, get out, go on.

Well,

that's Stan I like.

Mate, I can't get them out like that, can I?

Well, lay on the bed. Flat on the stomach. Go on, lay on the bed.

Will you be careful?

Bloody painful.

You're a big baby, you are. That's all you are. Get over.

Hold it up. Hold it up.

God, blimey. Looks like a picture of the moon. Go on.

Can't you see them fellas going 250 ,000 miles when they get a picture like

this?

Oh, it's a beauty.

No, it's no good. This needle's too small. That'll get a bigger one. No, no,

no. No, don't do that.

Try on his tweezers. They're in the drawer there. It's all right. I'll do

mate.

God, blimey, they're a bit small, aren't they?

Look, if they get Ollie's eyebrows out, they'll get anything out. Get on with

it.

Oh,

it's a beauty, that.

What are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm looking for splinters, aren't I?

Blimey, you look like Edgelord down here, too.

beautiful batch that... I'm fed up with this.

It's all your fault. I shouldn't have let you decorate the room in the first

place. And to think you was worried about a bit of paint on your head.

You may laugh, mate, but I'll tell you something. I'm having the builders in

here tomorrow to scrape this off and start from scratch and you can pay the

bill. Right.

If that's the way you feel about it, mate, there's the tools. There's the

And you can get the builder to take the splinters out and all.

Oh, my God.

I'll tell you something.

I'm not pinching any more paint from this depot, that's for sure, but I'm

telling you that.

At the builder in this morning, he wants 40 nicker to redecorate the room. I

thought you told me he estimated 30.

That was before we had a go at you.

He wants another tenner to scrape it all off again. Never again, I'm telling

you. Thank God I caught you. What's up, Nobby? They're going to do a spot check

in the stores.

I've got to put that paint back.

You'll be lucky, mate. I've used it.

Well, we'll have to buy some order coming to replace it. Otherwise, I've

Well, you told him. You said it wouldn't be missed.

Well, I'm sorry. I wasn't able to fiddle it so soon.

It'll be five pounds.

Five pounds? Get out of my house. If we don't get it in inside an hour, well,

we'll all get the job.

Yeah?

God, come on, mate.

God, I've only got a fiver.

What about the cup of pie, John?

What a liberty, eh?

Doing a spot check without informing us. Don't they trust us?

Trusted? Blimey, you can talk. Who was it that said you can have anything?

What's it, the governor?

What's that?

Good morning, sir.

See that?

Yeah. It's what I told you.

Management always gets the best perks.

It's the only perks to have, mate.

You can pinch it, take it home, bung it back in the stores the next morning, and

nobody's any the wiser.

Come on, let's get...