Original subtitles

On the Buses, number 6, part 1, production number 0261, dead recorded

the 6th, 69, take 1.

Oh, it's all right. Two weeks in Spain.

Or go and collect your tickets today.

Great stuff.

You're not going, are you?

Of course I am. Two gorgeous weeks in sunny Spain, mate.

How do you know you're going to like it in Spain, anyway?

Because you're going to be back here in England.

Hey, Jack. See this, mate?

The tickets were right, boy.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Bert was telling me the birds are knee -deep on the beaches.

Oh, just think they're lying there now in the sun waiting for us. And in three

days' ride, they'll just be ripe.

Yeah, just like melons. You have to squeeze them to see if they're ready.

You two weak -kneed, washed -out Romeos.

You think beautiful girls are going to bother with you two?

Not unless the sun's driven them delirious first.

Don't you worry, mate. We've got a good gimmick. Come here, Jack. Show him, show

him. Yeah, how about that? The camera?

Yeah. What's good with that, then? Listen, mate, this is a special one. I

borrowed it off Bert.

You get the picture straight away. See, just pull it out the back there, like

that. Bert's fell for it, you see. They think we're a couple of these

photographers from Chelsea, you see. I pose him, he snaps him.

The girls in Spain are never going to fault that old guff.

You don't know about Spain, mate. They fell for it for a wet weekend in

last year.

Can't miss. We're organised.

Yeah, I'll tell you.

I'll tell you something, look.

I've got the tape measure.

He's got the camera. Yeah.

Tape measure? Yeah.

You mean to tell me the girls are going to fall for that?

They think we're going to put their pictures on the front of the magazine.

Magazine?

Bussman's Gazette.

Listen, mate, as soon as the birds know they're going to be photographed, they

start stripping off. They do, yeah.

Disgusting. Yeah, that's the beauty of it.

Ed, Eileen, darling, do you want your picture taken?

What, now?

Yeah, it's one of them new cameras.

A couple of seconds and you can see the picture.

Oh, yeah.

I've heard about them.

All right. Yeah, all right. Just a minute. Must take my jacket off.

What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you? Hey, give me another half hour. Make the

stand and you're in the ticket machine.

Yeah, well, you'd better measure the focus, Stan. Oh, I thought... Yes, I'd

better. Would you hold it in? I'll hold it in.

Where shall we take it to then, Jack?

Well, which bit do we want in sharpest focus?

Well, I don't know yet, really.

Well, measure it.

I'll tell you what, Stanley.

Measure it to the nearest point, then.

Perhaps on second thoughts, we'd better measure it to the second nearest point.

How's that?

63. That's lovely. Thank you very much. Right, hold that, darling.

That's lovely. There we go. Can I see it now? It just takes a few seconds to

develop, love. Oh, well, I'll go and get me way, Bill, then.

I'll be back.

That tape measure only measures the distance to your subject. I mean, what

the distance on the camera, this distance finder?

He ain't got one.

He's got a fixed focus.

You're depraved, a pair of you.

Oh, now, Stan, look at that, mate.

We

can

see what your mind was on, can't we? Yeah.

Well, you've got to admit, it was in focus. Well, that one is, anyway.

Two lazy, lecherous layabouts.

Decent girls ain't safe with a pair of you about them.

We don't only take birds, we take fellas as well, don't we? Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey,

I'll tell you what.

We'll do you a favour, we'll take one of you. Yeah.

It's an idea, yes. I could send one to me old mother.

She's never had one of me taken in me uniform in a demo before.

Yeah, that's understandable. All right, then.

Well, we'd better take him side -paked, I think. Stand here just a minute.

Well,

which is his best side?

Blimey, he ain't got one.

Now, stop mucking me about.

Are you going to take the picture or not? What?

Ah, yeah.

Marvellous idea, Jack. You with the bus in the background. Ah, the bus in the

background. I thought you'd like that.

I thought you'd like that.

All right, boy.

Oh, that's lovely.

Now, smile a bit, Blakey.

I am smiling.

Say cheese.

Cheese? No, no, no, you'll have to do it more than that. It doesn't show up on a

small picture, does it? Look, look, lift your top lip up and show them, because

you've got nice choppers. Yeah, a bit more.

That's it, that's it.

I'll show it to you. Here you go, too. I've got your holiday tickets.

You've got a sign for them. Oh, good. There we are. Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Do you know what? I might take my snorkel and me underwater flippers,

Yeah, I think I'll pack my water wings.

You can take your deep -sea diving kit for all I care, but don't forget, only

£33 of baggage are allowed.

Is that all? That's all. Well, that means that if we open the top, we've got

pay. Yeah, it's all there in the envelope, and about the plane, the

everything. And don't forget, coach leaves here at 10 o 'clock Saturday

All right? All right.

Thanks, Dobby. See you later.

Oh, Blakey boy.

Oh, those beautiful birds in Spain.

You know, I feel sorry for them, really. I mean, there's so many of them and

there's only one of me.

Still, I'll do my best to spread myself round a bit. Yeah.

Never mind about thinking about picking beautiful young girls up off the beach.

Get in that bus over there and think about picking up some ugly old girls in

high street.

Go on then, get in the bus, you're late.

All right, we take it you don't want to see your picture then?

Oh, is it...

It's finished, is it? Oh, Stanley, now that is a very good light.

That is a marvellous picture. That's very, very good indeed.

Is it like me, is it?

Oh, yeah.

You think me mother would recognise me? Oh, definitely.

Well, that's nothing like me at all.

That's not me, is it? It must be. It says so on the side.

Have a ride for tickets. Have a ride.

Gorgeous weeks in sunny Spain.

Oh, and he's lucky, Arthur, getting away from this terrible weather.

I don't really see the point. He'll probably catch pneumonia when he gets

Oh, shut up.

What do you want to go to Spain for, anyway?

Because it's different. It's got a different sort of an atmosphere, that's

It certainly has with air plumbing.

How would you know? Blimey, you and her only go to Lowestoft every year. Oh,

it's very nice, Stan. They have lovely bloaters.

Oh, yes, it has happy memories for them, love. They went there on their

honeymoon. I've never been able to look a bloater in the face since.

Ah, it's a lovely place when you're newly married.

I remember it well.

Did you go there on your honeymoon?

No, she cabled us on ours.

It's a shame it's so expensive, love. Otherwise, I'd have come to Spain with

you. Yeah, yeah, it is, but it doesn't make any difference. It wouldn't suit

you, then, I'm afraid. You know, you'd save it up for his honeymoon.

Oh. The only thing that's wrong with Lowestoft is generally it's too cold for

to wear my bikini. Yeah, well, of course, that is one of the advances of

Oh, well, the food's British anyway, and you don't get upset like you do in

Spain. Oh, I must pop down to the chemist, get your pills.

I don't want any pills.

Of course you do, cos you get the collywobbles.

Oh, that's the front door.

Oh, that'll be Jack. I'll let him in, will you, love? Jack?

Yeah. Oh, I'm worried about you going with Jack.

Here, you won't get up to any mischief, will you, love?

I'm not going to assure you. We're just going for a few arrests.

Ah, hello, this is me. Hello, love.

Taxi, dear. No, thanks. I've just had one here, and I've got some smashing

for the beach for us to impress the birds. Hey, bird.

I thought you were going for a rest.

What he meant was he's got a bit of gear to make us look smart. How about those?

You can't win. That is not decent.

It's all right.

It's all right. You can go in the water with them and all. Oh, well, I hope

they're shrink -proof.

I mean, that could be very embarrassing.

It could be very painful, too.

Oh, well, you won't be able to go on the beach not in them things for only five

minutes the first day. I read all about Spain. You go red.

And our family got such delicate skins, love.

Oh, yes. Remember that first time at Lowestoft when I got so sunburnt on the

first day, Arthur?

I was so sore for the rest of our stay, I couldn't bear Arthur to touch me.

I'll remember that. Yeah, it was a very good holiday.

Now, you won't be able to go on the beach in the first week not with those

things on. No, perhaps the old girl's right.

Oh, I've got plenty. I've got them cheap for the job lot. Here you are. Oh,

that's all right.

Oh, now that's better.

You can go sunbathing in there.

Yeah. Look at that, see?

It's a pity we can't all get a bit of sunbathing in before we go. We'll give

ourselves a bit of a start. Oh, yeah, it'd be lovely to turn up all nice and

sunburned for the birds, wouldn't it? We can see it all now.

You two wandering around them Spanish beaches looking like a couple of randy

lobsters.

I don't like that sort of talk. Nor me. We may be randy, but we won't look like

lobsters.

a quick rub down with some diesel oil, if you like.

I'm not getting brown.

You're not, but your goose pimples are.

Yeah, it's a bit nippy, isn't it?

Shall we turn it in?

I've still got five minutes left.

Yeah, all right then.

Watch me turn it in.

I mean, we don't want to overdo it, do we?

has pitched them.

I've got mine all right.

Pull up the ladder, Jack. Well, I haven't. Where's mine? Where are they?

fancy leaving them now, you stupid nit.

I mean, that's asking for trouble, isn't it? Well, you don't shut your gob,

you'll be asking for trouble.

Well, if somebody's pitched you close, you'll just have to go back like that,

won't you? I can't drive through town like this, mate.

I'm a bus driver, not Lady Godiva.

I don't know what you're worried about. She got away with it. Well, I'm not

waiting here for my hair to grow.

told you to get in that cab.

Look, I'm not driving the bus through the town like this.

Look, mate, we are seven minutes late. Get in.

What do I say if a cop stops me? Well, tell him it's the bus company's latest

gimmick, talking to his drivers.

Any more cracks like that and you will be a toothless conductor.

I'm telling you, I'm not driving through the town like this.

Thank you again, butler.

What excuse is it this time, eh?

Well, we had a bit of an old up at the Cemetery Gates.

Cemetery Gates?

You know I've come out with some strokes, mate.

At Cemetery Gates, nothing ever happens at that dead and alive hole.

Come on, get out.

started your holidays a bit earlier or something.

This is a city bus depot, mate, not the Costa Brava.

Gets a bit hot in that cab, see?

Hot in the cab?

You know the regulations, butler.

Busmen are not allowed to remove their trousers whilst on duty.

Gets a bit hot. I suppose every time it gets a bit hot, you whip your trousers

off, do you?

I've read about blokes like you in the Sunday papers, mate.

Just a minute.

Don't intimidate him. As shop steward, I'm here to tell you he is within his

rights. He's right.

What right's he got to take his trousers off?

I'm sorry, I can't overlook this, mate, no.

Look, just take a look at him, look. Look at the ghastly, horrible,

sight he is, look. Well, if I'd have known you'd have felt like that, I'd

given me legs to rub down with emery paper.

I'm sorry, I can't overlook this, son.

No, you can't go around wearing what you like, you know. Why are you letting

them Indians wear their turbans?

That is for their religion.

Well, I'm dressed like this because of my religion.

Yeah, he's one of them gurus.

Am I?

Maharishi Butler.

Maharishi Butler.

I suppose he's sitting in that cab up there, contemplating his neighbour at

traffic light, waiting to see it go from red to green.

Get them trousers on, quick.

I can't, I tell you.

Well, all right, I'll tell you the truth. We was doing a bit of sunbathing

the cemetery and they got nicked.

Sunbathing?

And you just took your trousers off?

Takes all sorts, I suppose.

Look, can't you see the length of the sleeves and the coat?

This is not my coat, not my pullover. They belong to Jack here.

They nicked all my uniform.

I'm afraid I'll have to report that to the management.

What? Oh, you'll have to pay for that, you know that, don't you?

Yes, they'll probably stop that at your bonus money. Oh, no, turn it in, Blakey.

Play the white man, mate. No, I need that money. I'm going on my holidays

tonight.

Couldn't you just say it was damaged in an accident or something? Yeah, yeah.

I could, but I'm not going to.

No, we've all got our job to do, mate.

You'd better go up the stores and get yourself a new uniform.

No, and the way you carry on, you wouldn't think it was my uniform they

You'd think it was the bus.

Nothing would surprise me about you, mate.

As a matter of fact, perhaps I'd better go round and see if this is a bus I went

out with.

Shut your face.

That's two vests, six ounces.

All right.

Evening all.

What the hell are you?

Eight and a half ounces of pants.

You've got potty or something?

No, I've not got potty, mate.

Somebody nicked my uniform.

They've stopped it out of me bonus.

I'm only allowed 33 pounds of weight, so I've got to weigh everything to make

sure I don't go over the top.

Ah, now then.

Socks.

Twelve ounces of socks.

Blimey, that's a lot of socks, isn't it? Cut that down. No, I'll tell you what

I'll do.

I'll have two ounces of socks and eight ounces of soap flakes.

I've got these here for you, special. Shall I put them in the case? No, no,

you've got to weigh them first, Mum. Oh, righto, love.

There we are.

Four pounds, two ounces.

Four pounds, two... Blimey, what's in there, then?

Well, that's all your medicines for your stomach.

You must be potty, aren't you? I haven't got stomach trouble.

You won't, do you, get there?

There's no health service in Spain, love. You haven't got any money to pop

to the chemist or go and see the doctor.

You're right. OK.

You are. Right.

What's this box of pills? That's your enteric violet

Very poor.

Well, that stopped me getting the collywobbles.

And this... God blimey, what's this big bottle of medicine for? Well, that's in

case the pills don't work.

That's your choline mixture.

Well, how will I know these are not working?

You'll soon find out, mate.

I'll wrap some of these things up. Because I'll tell you what, I don't want

to get broken. There's one there. Hang on to that. Well, I'll just wrap them in

the paper.

Because if you don't get the plenty of paper around them, they'll get broken.

And I don't want these things to get broken. This is ridiculous. I'm taking

newspaper and I'm close.

You haven't played your shoes, Dan.

Here you are, love. There they are.

One.

Nine ounces.

Nine ounces.

Two. One pound, two ounces.

Wait a minute.

How can one shoe weigh more than the other? Have you stepped in something

that one?

Wait a minute.

Oh, God. No, I mean, what's all this in here, then? Oh, that's your shoe polish.

Brown, black and white.

Three tins of boot polish? Yes.

Blimey, I'm only taking one pair of shoes, and they're suede.

Right, Ollie, add all that lot up. See what it is.

Now, let me see.

If I had 410 pounds of potatoes... Yeah, if you had 410... Hang on, hang on.

What are you talking about, potatoes? I'm not packing potatoes.

Well, at school, we always did pounds and ounces like that. I can only do it

potatoes. Oh, give it here.

If you leave it here, you'll get the answer in furlongs.

Divide by 16.

32 pound, one ounce. That means you've got 15 ounces left.

15 ounces? I've got all this lot to go in yet. Well, you just can't take

everything, can you? I mean, what's... Oh, blimey.

Male tout by Prince Igor of Paris.

The masculine tout the women adore.

Feel the smoothness of your skin.

Also has 12 ounces of deodorant for a start.

That's my shirt.

Oh, lovely, isn't it?

Always wear that half and see when I take a third out. That's it. God,

blimey, 12 ounces.

No, take that off.

I might as well take the deodorant, because if I don't take the deodorant, I

might not have a bird to take out.

Oh, Dave.

Hey, you know what I can do? I can take out one of these bottles of medicine.

And I can put the shirt in. No, love, love, you must have a drink of that

day. I know.

Why don't we put one of these in the pocket of your raincoats? Yeah, they

want your clothes you wear, do they? No, they don't. Yeah, and all those tins of

grub can go in there.

You're never going to get all these sweaters and things in, are you? The

sweaters? No, uh...

I'll tell you what, Arthur, I'll wear those under the raincoat. Yes, come on.

What about this pack of tea?

What are you taking tea for? Well, Mr.

Harding said that the tea in Spain is like hot water with a suntan and three

a cup.

Well, you'll fog them in then, though. Well, they're not going to give you

boiling water to make your own tea, are they?

Hang on.

What? Where are you going?

Here.

Your little picnic set.

Oh, no.

Here we are.

That's fine, isn't it?

They'll never see that.

Well, all right. All right, pack up now. I think I've got enough now. I think

I've got just about 33 pounds.

All right. I don't want to go over the top, Ted. No, you don't. I've been

pushing. Put you down.

You've been what? Just stop thinking. Give us a hand with this case. I've had

thought, mate. No, look.

Don't think, mate. Good, Ted. Give us a hand with this case.

All right.

All right. Come and give him a hand. Blimey, I've got to be here at ten o

'clock, haven't I? Oh, blimey. He'll never get the case. He'll never get to

Spain in this thing.

Oh.

God, blimey. I want an elephant to sit on that to shut that.

I'll need to sit on the case.

There you go, love.

That's it. Oh, get off me!

My finger's in there!

Right, now, take your time. I'll tell you when to get on.

Now sit on it.

That's it.

I can't get my hand out from under you.

That's it.

That's it. Now then, what was you saying, Harper?

Well, I was thinking, you're only allowed to take £33, right? That's

that's right. I weighed it so carefully so I didn't go over the top, see? Yeah.

Haven't you forgotten, Sammy?

No, what, what?

You didn't weigh the case.

Oh, no! Why did you say so in the first place to me? Because you told me to shut

up, didn't you?

Oh, Stan, come on! Well, don't, Stan! It was all taken care of!

I'll be glad to see the back of you, I tell you.

Is he taking your baby on a tour like this?

Yeah, especially when he's on his honeymoon, eh?

Has Stan arrived yet?

I don't know.

Lord almighty, look at that. Come on, Butler.

I think I'd prefer doing your knickers, mate.

Here, Stan, you've forgotten the kitchen sink.

What's all that, then? Well, you see, I couldn't afford any excess baggage, so

I've got it all on me. I've even got my flippers on.

Go on, I'll put it under the collar, I'm not joking. Well, take your raincoat

off, then. What are you talking about? It took three quarters of an hour to get

it on.

If all the other passengers are like you, the plane will never get off the

ground. Oh, Stan, have you got your ticket? I'll give it to you when I get

the bus.

Come on, then.

Come on, get on the bus.

I had a good boy.

That's right, that's right.

Jack, Jack, I mean, anybody, everybody aboard me?

Everybody's on the stage.

Wait a minute.

I'm not driving this bus.

Yes, that's right, Buckley. Yes, I allocated you to driving this coach to

airport. No, I'm on the holidays.

It's worth four quid to your son.

Oh, shit.

Yes.

Ta -da! Here he goes, Dad. Here he goes.

Southend via Bethelden. Here, and don't forget this is a coach, not a bus.

Don't go stopping at request stops.

Don't worry, mate, I never do.