Original subtitles

Isn't it, Iris?

Yeah, she must be back from Basildon.

What are they doing on our board then, Chegg?

Come on.

Oh, very good.

Very good indeed, love, very good. Here, do you mind?

Yes, I do, as you darts.

Blimey, it's you.

Yeah, it's me, Iris. Do you mind getting off the board? Me and Jack are going to

have a practice. Go on, Jack. Charming, we were here first.

Now, look, we've got a serious match coming up. Now, pack it in. We don't

women to use the dartboard.

Oh, isn't it marvellous?

They won't let us have equal pay.

They won't let us become inspectors. They won't let us drive the buses. What

will you let us do?

Here we go.

Thank you very much. I'll tell you something.

I can drive the bus as well as you can any day. Darling, if you want to learn

how to play darts, come round to my place. I've got a special games room.

She's got a dartboard on the ceiling.

I'll tell you what, though, mate, she's a bit of all right. No, love, mate.

16. You've still got to get a double eight to finish.

Oh, God, blimey. Double eight, we'll be here all night. Here.

Here you are, love. Here's your darts. Oh, thanks. Right.

You're a liberty taker. Give me my darts back. See one of them. You get them, go

on. Come here. Give them back.

No, stop.

No, stop. Go on. You go. I'm tired again.

Go on.

No.

Ow! What's the matter?

Blimey, your badge is sticking in me.

What's going on here, then?

Just practising a little self -defence, all in wrestling.

We'll take the busman's grab, is it? No, the clipper's clutch.

Come on.

Break it up, come on. He could break it up if he wanted to.

He's enjoying it.

Butler, the company does not pay you to enjoy the clippers.

Let her go. Come on.

Now, tell him to give us our darts back.

You're like a silly big kid.

Give her a dance, mate. Go on. Thank you.

Hey, daft. Dance ain't for women. They're no good at it.

What?

Listen, we two could take you two on any time you like. Oh, don't talk stupid.

We'd make you look silly.

We'd make you scared.

Quite a lot of girls are going to show you up, are you?

All right, you're on.

All right.

Saturday night?

You'll be sorry.

We'll beat your hands down.

Oh, you want to bet?

We'll bet you a quid, eh, Jenny? Yeah, sure. All right, you're on for a quid.

Oh, a measly quid. Go on, make it a fiver. Oh, Jack, it's like taking candy

a kid.

All right, then, fiver. We're all right with you?

A fiver to a quid. You're on. I'll witness that.

Five pound of yours to one of hers. I mean, it's only fair,

isn't it? Well, I mean, you two are much better than we are, aren't you?

Well, of course we are.

All right, then, go on. Let's see you get that double eight, then. Oh, double

eight. Yeah, I like a good laugh, don't you?

I don't know. Go where it is, do you?

The old lady there.

I've got it, you know, I've got it.

Double eight, right?

Yeah.

Double eight.

Lucky it's a flute.

Here, Stan, I reckon you'd better stop practising when you get home tonight.

You can't afford to charge your arm with iris.

Not when it comes to darts, anyway.

Oh, yeah, I see what you mean, mate, yeah.

Oh, look.

Is it all right there, Mum?

Yes, that's all right, love. Only do take care of the paint.

Yeah, all right, then.

Evening, all.

Hello, Arthur.

What do you think you're doing?

You can't play darts. I've got to sit down to my evening meal, haven't I?

All right, safe enough.

What? I'm not sitting there with darts whizzing all over my head. You go and

play somewhere else.

Look, mate, I've told you I've got this match on, haven't I?

God, look, mate, I can't let the women beat us.

Oh, I didn't know you played games with the clippies.

All the time. First time they played darts, though.

What are they using it for?

You want to go round the back of the depot one Saturday night, makes up the

judge and look like a prayer meeting.

Look, mate, I am in the proper team and I need some practice. It's important.

How childish you busmen are.

I don't come home after a day's work and play darts, do I?

You don't have to.

Booking Clark on a British rail.

You've got one up in your office.

Don't be facetious.

You can play somewhere else.

Ah, stop nagging. You didn't marry me, you married her.

Anyway, I need a clear nine feet.

Well, play in the bedroom, then. Oh, I'll play in the bedroom. No, no, no,

you're not going to play in the bedroom. No, last time he did that, the door was

covered in little holes. I spent hours spraying it with that special stuff

before I found out it wasn't woodworm.

It was woodworm.

Rubbish. I was up there. I didn't see no worms.

No, they came out, looked at you, crawled back in again.

But anyway, the bedroom is no place to play darts in. No.

I don't think you're taking it up, though.

Well, at least it would keep you awake.

Well, you've got to admit, these old feather darts might be old -fashioned,

they're the best.

Great balance these have got.

Do you mind?

All right, mate, don't get worried. All right, Arthur, don't worry.

Stan's got a very good eye.

When he was a little boy, he used to play Red Indians.

Aye? With a bow and arrow, of course.

But he had no target to shoot at. No, he used me.

He used to tie olive to a tree.

Did he really?

I didn't hit her.

Yes, you did. I've got the mark.

I never seen it.

I showed it to you on our honeymoon.

Yeah, well, I was asleep, wasn't I?

Yeah, well... Perhaps I can have my dinner now. Where is it? Well, I've made

a nice chicken stew.

I think it's ready by now, love. Yeah, I'll get it. Right, well, let's have a

at this double top then. OK, here we go.

Oh!

That was a bit wide, wasn't it?

It was not his fault, you great... No, no, no, don't use that language here,

please. I haven't used it yet.

Where'd the dart go?

Sounded as if it hit the shelf.

No, it went in the stew.

Eh?

Oh, no, it's gone in there.

Oh, blimey, it's ruined it.

I can't see it. Well, if it's in there, it's coming out. Do you mind not

sticking your great airy fingers in my dinner?

All right, you get out. All right, all right.

Go on. What's this? That's it.

That's it. That happens to be a chicken bone.

That's it. It's got feathers on it. When Olive cooks chicken, it's always got

feathers on it.

Get it out. All right, all right. Here we are. Here, you grab it.

Oh, God, look at that.

It's got a part in its nose.

God, look.

That has spoilt it. Look, how am I going to clean it off? Lick it off.

No, thank you.

It's not a poison, Dart.

Well, it is now it's been in her stew.

Now, don't you be rude to Olive and her cooking.

Has it spoilt it? Of course it has.

Oh, dear. All right, Arthur.

I'll have to get you some sausages.

Blimey, I didn't mean the stew. I meant the Dart.

Look, it's knocked all the feathers off it for a start, hasn't it?

I can't play with it like that.

Upset the balance.

Rubbish.

Look, it is not rubbish, mate. It'll alter the centre of gravity and

with the angle of the flight.

What a lot of rot you do talk.

That's a six -footy dart, not a supersonic Concorde.

Look, mate, all I know is it's ruined. Got it? Look, there's no feathers on it.

I can't play an exhibition match without a proper dart. All right, all right.

Let's just hope this is still worth eating.

Yep. That's not chicken.

Look at that, an earring.

Oh, good. I've been looking for that all day.

Here, Ollie. You can have this dart. No good to me.

What have I won it for?

Pierce your ears with.

Has anyone seen my thimble?

Cut. Bye.

Here, have a look in the stew. It's probably in there. Everything else seems

be.

Oh, keep it there, Jack, mate. Yeah.

Oh, I love it.

Hello, hello. You boys got the wind up or something?

They've been here practising all day.

Are you kidding?

Stan's breaking in his new darts.

Go on, Sean. Three in the double top. Three in the double top. Right, here we

then.

Marvellous. I'll tell you something.

Jenny here can do better than that with one hand tied behind her back. What,

her? She's useless.

That's not what you said last night.

What's that?

I don't know. I can't seem to get the hang of these new darts. Yeah, well,

better start practising then, hadn't you? The match is tonight, you know.

It'll be all right. Don't worry. It'll be all right.

Look, I've got to go and get me way, Bill. You've got ten minutes. Now, keep

playing with them. It's the only way, and don't let those girls put you off.

They won't worry me.

What's the matter with you?

All right, then.

Hey, look.

And the anger of those new darts, yeah.

Still, there's more than one way of winning a darts match.

I had a date with him once. I shan't forget in a hurry.

He fancies me. I'll go and chat him up. You watch.

Stan, you got a light?

My lighter doesn't work.

Yeah, of course I have, love. Yeah, I've got one here.

One minute.

Fingers and thumbs with the darts and the matches, you know.

Here you are.

Oh, keep it still, love. You can't get a light. What do you want, light or not?

There you are.

How's that?

Oh, dear.

Oh, I've burnt my finger then. Oh, have you? Here, let me kiss it better.

One minute.

There. Better?

Yeah. Only I've burnt my thumb.

Blimey, I'd better kiss that too now.

There.

Better? Here.

I wish I'd burnt me lips.

Oh, there's always the quiet one.

Well, you know.

What are you doing tonight?

What do you mean? We're playing a dance match.

No, I mean after the dance match.

Oh, nothing. Why?

Well, I just wondered if you'd like to come back to my place?

What for?

Victory.

Victory celebration.

Oh, yeah?

Who's victory?

Oh, yours, of course.

Oh, yeah?

Well...

Well, then, ladies, out till 11, we'll have the whole place to ourselves.

Here, turn it, then. You're giving me ideas, you know.

What's wrong with that? Oh, nothing, but, you know... Right, you're on,

on. I'll see you after the match. Yeah, all right, yeah.

Cool.

Stand.

Here.

What? You been fraternising with the enemy?

No, I was just giving Iris a light.

Just like you, he said.

You're going on your honeymoon.

You've got no money.

Get off!

Very droll, that.

You've got exactly five minutes to go by my chronometer.

This match was due to start at seven o 'clock prompt.

It will therefore start at seven o 'clock prompt.

Well, I want it to start dead on time, too.

That'd be a change, wouldn't it?

You've got exactly five... No, four minutes fifty to go.

Right.

Now, what do you want me to write on him?

Bussman versus Clippies?

Well, we're not fried cod and steamed pudding, are we?

The way I see it, there's not much difference.

Yeah, he writes well in chalk, doesn't he?

Yeah, I recognise that. You're the one who's always writing on the back wall of

the garage.

Yeah, and other places.

Sweet. Well, let's face it, you never go anywhere without your little pencil.

Come and check the board, shall we?

Jenny. OK.

Stan. Yes?

We could do with a clean duster for that board.

For your love.

I think they're in that cupboard.

Yeah, all right. Of course I will.

Right,

I've got one here.

Oh. Get it over as quick as possible, eh?

Well, yeah.

There's your duster there. Oh, thanks.

Ah.

Well, because I've got to wipe these new adders, of course, you see. I mean,

I've haven't had them before, you see. It's all, you know, the flight and that.

Yeah, I know, I know. But don't forget the landlady's only out till 11.

Oh, yeah, don't worry. I'll bash him in so fast I'll singe a pheasant.

Oh, good.

Yeah. Here, have a drink.

No, thanks. No, just have one. Go on, have another.

No, no, no. Not till after the match.

Oh, dear.

Don't tell me you're one of those blokes who can't do anything after a couple of

drinks.

Oh, good.

Because I like a man who can hold his liquor.

Ah, well, all right then.

Smashing stuff. What's that? I like it. Nuit de Mor.

Yeah? What's that mean?

Night of love.

Yeah? I only use it on special occasions.

What are you putting it on for now?

Oh, don't worry.

It lasts.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I bet they don't sell that to girls of 16.

Yeah, that's right. And I don't waste it on little boys.

Oh, it's cracking stuff, isn't it? Smashing it. Do you like it? Yeah, I

that ought to get extradited.

Let's have a... Oh, Stan!

Hey, Stan, come on.

Yes, all right, Jack, yeah, yeah. Come in.

Oh, hello, Mum.

Hello, Stan.

Jack told us to come along.

I'm surprised you didn't ask.

Well, I would have done, Mum, but, you know, I didn't think it was all that

exciting, you know.

You look a bit excited.

Hello, Mrs B.

Hello, Jack.

Ready to come?

Look, we're just starting. Are you ready, Stan? Yes, I'm ready, yes, yes.

Right.

Oh.

Mum, you know Iris?

Yes, I know her.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Well, Arthur, if you'd like to sit there, and Mum, I'll give you a chair,

you'll get a better view from here. Olive, sit down here.

And I'll see you later, Mum, see? All right, love.

Come on, Iris.

I do hope you enjoy the match. Yes, I hope so.

Oh, dear, fancy putting on all that perfume.

Place reeks of it.

You ask me, she didn't dab it on. She had a scrub down in it.

Do you think I ought to wear perfume like hers, Arthur?

Yeah, yeah, good idea.

Wouldn't it make me too sort of sexy?

No, you put some on. Might cut out the smell of that winter green ointment.

Right, now, pay attention, will you?

Now, pay attention. For God's sake, pay attention. Come on.

This match is going to be one straight game of 1 ,001 down, right?

And neither side gets off until both members have scored a double.

I'll fix that. Make it more difficult for the girls.

Right.

The busmen are the ones to toss, so they go off first. Right. Drive off. Step

back, step back, step back. I mean, first row.

Keep them here, Jack.

Lovely. It's a double.

One double to the busmen.

Careful.

Yeah, of course.

Cool, darn, darn, darn. Gets me going. Shut up, darn.

Yeah, that's it. All right. Now, steady, steady. Considote, boy.

Considote. Right in between that one.

Oh, it's no good. I can't play dark with my jacket on.

Here. I want to listen to it, Jenny.

Iris, those are the doubles you're supposed to have your eye on.

Oh, what a brave young girl that Iris is.

I hope she's not after Stan.

She knows that that sweater's too tight.

Oh, Mum, men don't marry sex pots like her, do they, Arthur?

Aye. Well, some of us don't.

Please, please.

Don't worry.

I've just got to get the hang of these dots, haven't I?

Right.

What the hell do you think you're playing at?

Belt up!

I've still got to get 76, haven't I?

We've still got to get 1 ,001.

We haven't even started.

Now, for God's sake, get a double. All right, I'll get a double this time.

So do I, please. Good night, Stan.

How's that, then, eh?

Yeah. Eh?

How's that?

How about that, then?

Eh?

Oh, what a beautiful double, eh? Beautiful double.

Sorry I can't allow it.

Why not?

Look at your feet.

I'm the wrong side of the white line.

I'm not surprised.

That's the way you always drive the bus.

You idiot.

Look, mate, when I'm playing...

You might play better if you did.

I got a double, didn't I?

I'll get a double next time round.

Quiet, please.

Ladies' throat.

76 required.

76, right. Quiet.

18.

20.

Double 19 required.

And here's your pound steak money.

Thank you very much. Congratulations.

One,

two, three for you, Jen. One, two, three for me. Oh, that was absolutely lovely.

Come on. You drew out five minutes ago. Come on.

Thank you.

You made us look like a right couple of burks, didn't you?

Well, well, well. Fancy you losing.

Well, I wonder what happened.

I don't know.

Oh, well.

Don't think about it anymore.

Oh, come on, let's go back to my place, eh?

You'll soon forget all about darts.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. All right, then, yeah.

Yeah. All right, I'll get my jacket. Yeah, oh, yeah, all right, yeah.

Well, I enjoyed that. I thought you played very well. Oh, come off it,

I was right off form.

I thought you played better than usual.

Oh, I thought he was very good.

He lost.

Oh, well, it wasn't his fault.

Jack let him down.

Oh, blimey. Here, stand.

See Maro when... Oliver and me are going to pictures to see the happiest days of

your life. Come on, sunshine.

No, one minute. Not tonight. Oh, please.

Because... Jack,

look, you live next door. See my mum, will you? Sorry, mate. I've got to chat

over a bit of business with the lads. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. All right, I'm ready.

Look, Irish, I'll have to take my mum first, you know. What?

Well, um... Something wrong?

Well, we did, you know, sort of have a date, like. We made arrangements and...

don't want to spoil your fun.

You bring her home. I've made a nice steak and kidney pudding. Quite enough

three of you.

No, no, thanks very much, but no.

Well, look... Oh, God, I don't know what to do, really. Oh, it's quite all

right.

I'll find my way home.

I'm sure I'll meet someone who'll take me across the main road.

Main road?

Yes, I...

I don't see very well in the dark, you know.

Of course, if I'd known, I'd have brought me other glasses.

Oh, God.

Other glasses.

I'll tell you what, Iris. Look, I'll see my mum first, then I'll come round to

you later.

Don't bother, don't bother. It won't take long. No, look, we'll make it some

other time. Oh, Iris, I've been thinking, yeah.

I'm very impressed with your game. You've got a lovely action there.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I've just been talking to the lads.

We wondered if you'd like to join the official team.

You're going to vacancy?

There is now.

Well, the lads thought you ought to be rested for a bit. Nothing personal,

I mean, well, you're right off, aren't you?

Oh, I see.

Look, I'd like to talk to you about the fixtures.

Fancy a glass down at the boozer? No, I've got a better idea than that. Look,

I've got a lovely slapper for two ready at my place.

Do you fancy going back there? Oh, mash in, yeah.

Right, right.

Good night, Stan.

Good night.

Look, we're playing the gas for a second.

Oh, well,

come on up.

Let's go.

All right.

Don't forget your new dogs. Oh, leave them for what good they are. Oh,

I think they're very pretty.

That's about all they are, Mum. Can I have a go?

What, with these?

Yes. See what they...

Yeah, go on, now. All right. You used to stand on the eight -foot white line for

the ladies, yeah? Just there.

Anywhere in that ring, that round thing there. Round ball.

Anywhere.

Go on. Blimey, you've got a double top. Oh, was that what I was supposed to do?

Well, yeah, but... Well, gosh, you know, beginner's luck, you know. I'll bet you

wouldn't get another double with that, though. All right.

Oh, no.

Oh, was that another double?

No, it was a treble.

Oh.

Oh.

Hey, you... You crafty old thing, you've played this game before.

Oh, I haven't. What did you do? You must have done it.

Look,

if I were to throw that, I'm sure I wouldn't even get it on the board.

Go on, then.

Oh, no, I'll give up. Oh, was that another treble?

No, it was a bullseye.

Blimey, it's a pity you're not a clippy. They put you in a team.

In place of Iris?

Come on, love.

Let's go home and have our steak kidney pudding.

What am I going to do for the rest of the evening? Oh, well, we can put the

dartboard up and... Sam, you never know.

Your old mum can teach you a few tricks.

No, no.

Come on, love.