All language subtitles for On The Buses s01e07 The darts match

Isn't it, Iris?

Yeah, she must be back from Basildon.

What are they doing on our board then,
Chegg?

Come on.

Oh, very good.

Very good indeed, love, very good. Here,
do you mind?

Yes, I do, as you darts.

Blimey, it's you.

Yeah, it's me, Iris. Do you mind getting
off the board? Me and Jack are going to

have a practice. Go on, Jack. Charming,
we were here first.

Now, look, we've got a serious match
coming up. Now, pack it in. We don't

women to use the dartboard.

Oh, isn't it marvellous?

They won't let us have equal pay.

They won't let us become inspectors.
They won't let us drive the buses. What

will you let us do?

Here we go.

Thank you very much. I'll tell you
something.

I can drive the bus as well as you can
any day. Darling, if you want to learn

how to play darts, come round to my
place. I've got a special games room.

She's got a dartboard on the ceiling.

I'll tell you what, though, mate, she's
a bit of all right. No, love, mate.

16. You've still got to get a double
eight to finish.

Oh, God, blimey. Double eight, we'll be
here all night. Here.

Here you are, love. Here's your darts.
Oh, thanks. Right.

You're a liberty taker. Give me my darts
back. See one of them. You get them, go

on. Come here. Give them back.

No, stop.

No, stop. Go on. You go. I'm tired
again.

Go on.

No.

Ow! What's the matter?

Blimey, your badge is sticking in me.

What's going on here, then?

Just practising a little self -defence,
all in wrestling.

We'll take the busman's grab, is it? No,
the clipper's clutch.

Come on.

Break it up, come on. He could break it
up if he wanted to.

He's enjoying it.

Butler, the company does not pay you to
enjoy the clippers.

Let her go. Come on.

Now, tell him to give us our darts back.

You're like a silly big kid.

Give her a dance, mate. Go on. Thank
you.

Hey, daft. Dance ain't for women.
They're no good at it.

What?

Listen, we two could take you two on any
time you like. Oh, don't talk stupid.

We'd make you look silly.

We'd make you scared.

Quite a lot of girls are going to show
you up, are you?

All right, you're on.

All right.

Saturday night?

You'll be sorry.

We'll beat your hands down.

Oh, you want to bet?

We'll bet you a quid, eh, Jenny? Yeah,
sure. All right, you're on for a quid.

Oh, a measly quid. Go on, make it a
fiver. Oh, Jack, it's like taking candy

a kid.

All right, then, fiver. We're all right
with you?

A fiver to a quid. You're on. I'll
witness that.

Five pound of yours to one of hers. I
mean, it's only fair,

isn't it? Well, I mean, you two are much
better than we are, aren't you?

Well, of course we are.

All right, then, go on. Let's see you
get that double eight, then. Oh, double

eight. Yeah, I like a good laugh, don't
you?

I don't know. Go where it is, do you?

The old lady there.

I've got it, you know, I've got it.

Double eight, right?

Yeah.

Double eight.

Lucky it's a flute.

Here, Stan, I reckon you'd better stop
practising when you get home tonight.

You can't afford to charge your arm with
iris.

Not when it comes to darts, anyway.

Oh, yeah, I see what you mean, mate,
yeah.

Oh, look.

Is it all right there, Mum?

Yes, that's all right, love. Only do
take care of the paint.

Yeah, all right, then.

Evening, all.

Hello, Arthur.

What do you think you're doing?

You can't play darts. I've got to sit
down to my evening meal, haven't I?

All right, safe enough.

What? I'm not sitting there with darts
whizzing all over my head. You go and

play somewhere else.

Look, mate, I've told you I've got this
match on, haven't I?

God, look, mate, I can't let the women
beat us.

Oh, I didn't know you played games with
the clippies.

All the time. First time they played
darts, though.

What are they using it for?

You want to go round the back of the
depot one Saturday night, makes up the

judge and look like a prayer meeting.

Look, mate, I am in the proper team and
I need some practice. It's important.

How childish you busmen are.

I don't come home after a day's work and
play darts, do I?

You don't have to.

Booking Clark on a British rail.

You've got one up in your office.

Don't be facetious.

You can play somewhere else.

Ah, stop nagging. You didn't marry me,
you married her.

Anyway, I need a clear nine feet.

Well, play in the bedroom, then. Oh,
I'll play in the bedroom. No, no, no,

you're not going to play in the bedroom.
No, last time he did that, the door was

covered in little holes. I spent hours
spraying it with that special stuff

before I found out it wasn't woodworm.

It was woodworm.

Rubbish. I was up there. I didn't see no
worms.

No, they came out, looked at you,
crawled back in again.

But anyway, the bedroom is no place to
play darts in. No.

I don't think you're taking it up,
though.

Well, at least it would keep you awake.

Well, you've got to admit, these old
feather darts might be old -fashioned,

they're the best.

Great balance these have got.

Do you mind?

All right, mate, don't get worried. All
right, Arthur, don't worry.

Stan's got a very good eye.

When he was a little boy, he used to
play Red Indians.

Aye? With a bow and arrow, of course.

But he had no target to shoot at. No, he
used me.

He used to tie olive to a tree.

Did he really?

I didn't hit her.

Yes, you did. I've got the mark.

I never seen it.

I showed it to you on our honeymoon.

Yeah, well, I was asleep, wasn't I?

Yeah, well... Perhaps I can have my
dinner now. Where is it? Well, I've made

a nice chicken stew.

I think it's ready by now, love. Yeah,
I'll get it. Right, well, let's have a

at this double top then. OK, here we go.

Oh!

That was a bit wide, wasn't it?

It was not his fault, you great... No,
no, no, don't use that language here,

please. I haven't used it yet.

Where'd the dart go?

Sounded as if it hit the shelf.

No, it went in the stew.

Eh?

Oh, no, it's gone in there.

Oh, blimey, it's ruined it.

I can't see it. Well, if it's in there,
it's coming out. Do you mind not

sticking your great airy fingers in my
dinner?

All right, you get out. All right, all
right.

Go on. What's this? That's it.

That's it. That happens to be a chicken
bone.

That's it. It's got feathers on it. When
Olive cooks chicken, it's always got

feathers on it.

Get it out. All right, all right. Here
we are. Here, you grab it.

Oh, God, look at that.

It's got a part in its nose.

God, look.

That has spoilt it. Look, how am I going
to clean it off? Lick it off.

No, thank you.

It's not a poison, Dart.

Well, it is now it's been in her stew.

Now, don't you be rude to Olive and her
cooking.

Has it spoilt it? Of course it has.

Oh, dear. All right, Arthur.

I'll have to get you some sausages.

Blimey, I didn't mean the stew. I meant
the Dart.

Look, it's knocked all the feathers off
it for a start, hasn't it?

I can't play with it like that.

Upset the balance.

Rubbish.

Look, it is not rubbish, mate. It'll
alter the centre of gravity and

with the angle of the flight.

What a lot of rot you do talk.

That's a six -footy dart, not a
supersonic Concorde.

Look, mate, all I know is it's ruined.
Got it? Look, there's no feathers on it.

I can't play an exhibition match without
a proper dart. All right, all right.

Let's just hope this is still worth
eating.

Yep. That's not chicken.

Look at that, an earring.

Oh, good. I've been looking for that all
day.

Here, Ollie. You can have this dart. No
good to me.

What have I won it for?

Pierce your ears with.

Has anyone seen my thimble?

Cut. Bye.

Here, have a look in the stew. It's
probably in there. Everything else seems

be.

Oh, keep it there, Jack, mate. Yeah.

Oh, I love it.

Hello, hello. You boys got the wind up
or something?

They've been here practising all day.

Are you kidding?

Stan's breaking in his new darts.

Go on, Sean. Three in the double top.
Three in the double top. Right, here we

then.

Marvellous. I'll tell you something.

Jenny here can do better than that with
one hand tied behind her back. What,

her? She's useless.

That's not what you said last night.

What's that?

I don't know. I can't seem to get the
hang of these new darts. Yeah, well,

better start practising then, hadn't
you? The match is tonight, you know.

It'll be all right. Don't worry. It'll
be all right.

Look, I've got to go and get me way,
Bill. You've got ten minutes. Now, keep

playing with them. It's the only way,
and don't let those girls put you off.

They won't worry me.

What's the matter with you?

All right, then.

Hey, look.

And the anger of those new darts, yeah.

Still, there's more than one way of
winning a darts match.

I had a date with him once. I shan't
forget in a hurry.

He fancies me. I'll go and chat him up.
You watch.

Stan, you got a light?

My lighter doesn't work.

Yeah, of course I have, love. Yeah, I've
got one here.

One minute.

Fingers and thumbs with the darts and
the matches, you know.

Here you are.

Oh, keep it still, love. You can't get a
light. What do you want, light or not?

There you are.

How's that?

Oh, dear.

Oh, I've burnt my finger then. Oh, have
you? Here, let me kiss it better.

One minute.

There. Better?

Yeah. Only I've burnt my thumb.

Blimey, I'd better kiss that too now.

There.

Better? Here.

I wish I'd burnt me lips.

Oh, there's always the quiet one.

Well, you know.

What are you doing tonight?

What do you mean? We're playing a dance
match.

No, I mean after the dance match.

Oh, nothing. Why?

Well, I just wondered if you'd like to
come back to my place?

What for?

Victory.

Victory celebration.

Oh, yeah?

Who's victory?

Oh, yours, of course.

Oh, yeah?

Well...

Well, then, ladies, out till 11, we'll
have the whole place to ourselves.

Here, turn it, then. You're giving me
ideas, you know.

What's wrong with that? Oh, nothing,
but, you know... Right, you're on,

on. I'll see you after the match. Yeah,
all right, yeah.

Cool.

Stand.

Here.

What? You been fraternising with the
enemy?

No, I was just giving Iris a light.

Just like you, he said.

You're going on your honeymoon.

You've got no money.

Get off!

Very droll, that.

You've got exactly five minutes to go by
my chronometer.

This match was due to start at seven o
'clock prompt.

It will therefore start at seven o
'clock prompt.

Well, I want it to start dead on time,
too.

That'd be a change, wouldn't it?

You've got exactly five... No, four
minutes fifty to go.

Right.

Now, what do you want me to write on
him?

Bussman versus Clippies?

Well, we're not fried cod and steamed
pudding, are we?

The way I see it, there's not much
difference.

Yeah, he writes well in chalk, doesn't
he?

Yeah, I recognise that. You're the one
who's always writing on the back wall of

the garage.

Yeah, and other places.

Sweet. Well, let's face it, you never go
anywhere without your little pencil.

Come and check the board, shall we?

Jenny. OK.

Stan. Yes?

We could do with a clean duster for that
board.

For your love.

I think they're in that cupboard.

Yeah, all right. Of course I will.

Right,

I've got one here.

Oh. Get it over as quick as possible,
eh?

Well, yeah.

There's your duster there. Oh, thanks.

Ah.

Well, because I've got to wipe these new
adders, of course, you see. I mean,

I've haven't had them before, you see.
It's all, you know, the flight and that.

Yeah, I know, I know. But don't forget
the landlady's only out till 11.

Oh, yeah, don't worry. I'll bash him in
so fast I'll singe a pheasant.

Oh, good.

Yeah. Here, have a drink.

No, thanks. No, just have one. Go on,
have another.

No, no, no. Not till after the match.

Oh, dear.

Don't tell me you're one of those blokes
who can't do anything after a couple of

drinks.

Oh, good.

Because I like a man who can hold his
liquor.

Ah, well, all right then.

Smashing stuff. What's that? I like it.
Nuit de Mor.

Yeah? What's that mean?

Night of love.

Yeah? I only use it on special
occasions.

What are you putting it on for now?

Oh, don't worry.

It lasts.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I bet they don't sell that to
girls of 16.

Yeah, that's right. And I don't waste it
on little boys.

Oh, it's cracking stuff, isn't it?
Smashing it. Do you like it? Yeah, I

that ought to get extradited.

Let's have a... Oh, Stan!

Hey, Stan, come on.

Yes, all right, Jack, yeah, yeah. Come
in.

Oh, hello, Mum.

Hello, Stan.

Jack told us to come along.

I'm surprised you didn't ask.

Well, I would have done, Mum, but, you
know, I didn't think it was all that

exciting, you know.

You look a bit excited.

Hello, Mrs B.

Hello, Jack.

Ready to come?

Look, we're just starting. Are you
ready, Stan? Yes, I'm ready, yes, yes.

Right.

Oh.

Mum, you know Iris?

Yes, I know her.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Well, Arthur, if you'd like to sit
there, and Mum, I'll give you a chair,

you'll get a better view from here.
Olive, sit down here.

And I'll see you later, Mum, see? All
right, love.

Come on, Iris.

I do hope you enjoy the match. Yes, I
hope so.

Oh, dear, fancy putting on all that
perfume.

Place reeks of it.

You ask me, she didn't dab it on. She
had a scrub down in it.

Do you think I ought to wear perfume
like hers, Arthur?

Yeah, yeah, good idea.

Wouldn't it make me too sort of sexy?

No, you put some on. Might cut out the
smell of that winter green ointment.

Right, now, pay attention, will you?

Now, pay attention. For God's sake, pay
attention. Come on.

This match is going to be one straight
game of 1 ,001 down, right?

And neither side gets off until both
members have scored a double.

I'll fix that. Make it more difficult
for the girls.

Right.

The busmen are the ones to toss, so they
go off first. Right. Drive off. Step

back, step back, step back. I mean,
first row.

Keep them here, Jack.

Lovely. It's a double.

One double to the busmen.

Careful.

Yeah, of course.

Cool, darn, darn, darn. Gets me going.
Shut up, darn.

Yeah, that's it. All right. Now, steady,
steady. Considote, boy.

Considote. Right in between that one.

Oh, it's no good. I can't play dark with
my jacket on.

Here. I want to listen to it, Jenny.

Iris, those are the doubles you're
supposed to have your eye on.

Oh, what a brave young girl that Iris
is.

I hope she's not after Stan.

She knows that that sweater's too tight.

Oh, Mum, men don't marry sex pots like
her, do they, Arthur?

Aye. Well, some of us don't.

Please, please.

Don't worry.

I've just got to get the hang of these
dots, haven't I?

Right.

What the hell do you think you're
playing at?

Belt up!

I've still got to get 76, haven't I?

We've still got to get 1 ,001.

We haven't even started.

Now, for God's sake, get a double. All
right, I'll get a double this time.

So do I, please. Good night, Stan.

How's that, then, eh?

Yeah. Eh?

How's that?

How about that, then?

Eh?

Oh, what a beautiful double, eh?
Beautiful double.

Sorry I can't allow it.

Why not?

Look at your feet.

I'm the wrong side of the white line.

I'm not surprised.

That's the way you always drive the bus.

You idiot.

Look, mate, when I'm playing...

You might play better if you did.

I got a double, didn't I?

I'll get a double next time round.

Quiet, please.

Ladies' throat.

76 required.

76, right. Quiet.

18.

20.

Double 19 required.

And here's your pound steak money.

Thank you very much. Congratulations.

One,

two, three for you, Jen. One, two, three
for me. Oh, that was absolutely lovely.

Come on. You drew out five minutes ago.
Come on.

Thank you.

You made us look like a right couple of
burks, didn't you?

Well, well, well. Fancy you losing.

Well, I wonder what happened.

I don't know.

Oh, well.

Don't think about it anymore.

Oh, come on, let's go back to my place,
eh?

You'll soon forget all about darts.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. All right, then, yeah.

Yeah. All right, I'll get my jacket.
Yeah, oh, yeah, all right, yeah.

Well, I enjoyed that. I thought you
played very well. Oh, come off it,

I was right off form.

I thought you played better than usual.

Oh, I thought he was very good.

He lost.

Oh, well, it wasn't his fault.

Jack let him down.

Oh, blimey. Here, stand.

See Maro when... Oliver and me are going
to pictures to see the happiest days of

your life. Come on, sunshine.

No, one minute. Not tonight. Oh, please.

Because... Jack,

look, you live next door. See my mum,
will you? Sorry, mate. I've got to chat

over a bit of business with the lads.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah. All right, I'm ready.

Look, Irish, I'll have to take my mum
first, you know. What?

Well, um... Something wrong?

Well, we did, you know, sort of have a
date, like. We made arrangements and...

don't want to spoil your fun.

You bring her home. I've made a nice
steak and kidney pudding. Quite enough

three of you.

No, no, thanks very much, but no.

Well, look... Oh, God, I don't know what
to do, really. Oh, it's quite all

right.

I'll find my way home.

I'm sure I'll meet someone who'll take
me across the main road.

Main road?

Yes, I...

I don't see very well in the dark, you
know.

Of course, if I'd known, I'd have
brought me other glasses.

Oh, God.

Other glasses.

I'll tell you what, Iris. Look, I'll see
my mum first, then I'll come round to

you later.

Don't bother, don't bother. It won't
take long. No, look, we'll make it some

other time. Oh, Iris, I've been
thinking, yeah.

I'm very impressed with your game.
You've got a lovely action there.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I've just been talking to the
lads.

We wondered if you'd like to join the
official team.

You're going to vacancy?

There is now.

Well, the lads thought you ought to be
rested for a bit. Nothing personal,

I mean, well, you're right off, aren't
you?

Oh, I see.

Look, I'd like to talk to you about the
fixtures.

Fancy a glass down at the boozer? No,
I've got a better idea than that. Look,

I've got a lovely slapper for two ready
at my place.

Do you fancy going back there? Oh, mash
in, yeah.

Right, right.

Good night, Stan.

Good night.

Look, we're playing the gas for a
second.

Oh, well,

come on up.

Let's go.

All right.

Don't forget your new dogs. Oh, leave
them for what good they are. Oh,

I think they're very pretty.

That's about all they are, Mum. Can I
have a go?

What, with these?

Yes. See what they...

Yeah, go on, now. All right. You used to
stand on the eight -foot white line for

the ladies, yeah? Just there.

Anywhere in that ring, that round thing
there. Round ball.

Anywhere.

Go on. Blimey, you've got a double top.
Oh, was that what I was supposed to do?

Well, yeah, but... Well, gosh, you know,
beginner's luck, you know. I'll bet you

wouldn't get another double with that,
though. All right.

Oh, no.

Oh, was that another double?

No, it was a treble.

Oh.

Oh.

Hey, you... You crafty old thing, you've
played this game before.

Oh, I haven't. What did you do? You must
have done it.

Look,

if I were to throw that, I'm sure I
wouldn't even get it on the board.

Go on, then.

Oh, no, I'll give up. Oh, was that
another treble?

No, it was a bullseye.

Blimey, it's a pity you're not a clippy.
They put you in a team.

In place of Iris?

Come on, love.

Let's go home and have our steak kidney
pudding.

What am I going to do for the rest of
the evening? Oh, well, we can put the

dartboard up and... Sam, you never know.

Your old mum can teach you a few tricks.

No, no.

Come on, love.