Original subtitles

To the elected representative of you, the Social Club Committee, I have great

pleasure in informing you that the management have agreed to let us run the

canteen ourselves.

As the idea of what brother stands here, I would like to nominate him to be

first chairman and treasurer of the canteen subcommittee.

Will somebody propose him? I propose him. All right. One second.

Yes, well, if you feel that way about it, fellas.

Yes. And as chairman, Brother Stan's past duty will be to engage a decent,

skilled, qualified cook.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Where am I going to get a cook from? You're the chairman, mate.

Don't worry, we'll all help you. We'll all stand behind you.

God, blimey, is that the time I must get off home? So must I. Yeah.

I've had a cook, you see.

Fellas, is it?

Yes,

of course, sir.

Cheer up.

It's ten.

What? If you want a good cook, my wife needs a job.

Your missus?

She can cook for a canteen?

Oh, yes, indeed.

She has worked in canteen for two years.

Has she?

I'll give her a try, yeah.

Here, wait a minute.

You sure she'll know what the blokes will want?

Goodness gracious me.

She's cooked for busmen before, you know.

Has she?

That's it.

She's on. I'll tell her what. Tell her she can start first thing tomorrow

morning. Good old Sharma, mate.

God, yeah.

Hey, what's the grub like then, Bert?

What's the grub like?

You can't leave anything. What are you and Jack playing at?

Jack,

what's up, mate?

What's wrong? What's the matter with the cook? What's wrong with her?

See for yourself.

Hello,

Mrs. Sharma.

I am Stan Butler.

and I am chairman of the canteen committee.

What's she

talking about?

You're flogging a dead horse, mate. She doesn't speak a word of English.

You must be joking.

I can't understand it. Our old man, Sean, has worked in this garage for two

years. He's just sent for her. She's been here two days.

He told me she'd worked in a county for busmen before. Oh, yes, yes, she did. On

the Bombay buses.

Well, if she don't speak English, I'll just point to a saucepan and when I get

it, I'll know what it is. Yeah, I've got it. I still don't know what it is.

Yeah, smell that.

Gandhi's revenge.

like it?

I don't know. I've never had it.

I'll go and find out.

Is he Sharma?

Thank you.

That's it.

That's it.

Now, you've fixed it. Now, let's see you eat it.

What's the matter with you?

We'll go and eat it.

Of course I'll eat it.

Oh, blimey.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on, you two. Get that grub down and get out. Come on, you'll be out in

seven minutes.

Yes, Ben, I can't eat no more of that. Put up a good show, put up a good show.

It's lovely, isn't it? Lovely.

We've got a new cook here today.

Yeah. What's the grub like, all right? Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely.

Oh, curry, eh?

Oh, lovely.

You like it, do you?

I was five years out in India.

They sent me out there during the war, you know.

They needed men like me.

They wanted to show the Indians what it'd be like if Hitler came.

I got a medal for what I did. Did you?

What was it, the Iron Cross?

Sweet.

At least I can speak the language.

Namaste. Namaste.

Oh, blimey, she's praying to it.

No, I would hate it on Tuesday. She thinks he's the immigration officer.

She's greeting me.

Oh, I've got it. No, it's the moustache.

She thinks you're Enoch Powell.

party.

You better party.

You better party.

You better party.

You better party.

What's all them little bowls?

Oh, they're pickles, mate. You always have them with the pickles.

Never have it on its own.

Blimey, couldn't be any worse anyway.

Let's have a go at the pickles, mate.

Now that, Jack, that's it.

Now that I would...

What's the matter, mate? Is it hot? Hot?

No, it's melted me fillings.

You can't take it, can you?

Of course, you get the shock for a minute.

Of course I can take it. We're used to this stuff, aren't we, Jack?

Not a bad curry, was it?

Might have been a bit hotter, though, mind you.

grab a drop more water.

It's no good.

It's coming out fast and it's going in.

I'll give anything for a cup of char.

Char?

I thought you said she couldn't speak English.

You moronic twit.

Char is Indian for tea.

Well, I don't care what it is as long as it's a cup of tea, that's all I know.

Thank you very much, Mrs. Oh, we're at that lock again, thank you.

Have I got any jealous?

Yes, you're due out. Come on.

Get in that bus. Come on. Number 11.

I want you out the depot right away. Yeah, right.

Just be that way.

Oh, I'm billy this year.

I got spooked before the eyes.

What's wrong with you?

Has he been drinking, has he? No.

The curry upset him.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it is an acquired taste, you know.

Yeah, I've acquired it and I can't get rid of it.

Oh, er... I thought I ought to tell you.

Some of your mates are waiting up in the canteen for you.

Looks like a lynching party.

His sense of humour has rapidly lost its magic for me.

You wouldn't be leaving, would you?

No, we were just coming in, though, Bert.

Me and the boys will have a word with you.

Yeah. Now, what's the matter, Bert? Well, we've had a... Now, right, boys?

Yeah. Now,

we've decided that you've got to get a new cook for tomorrow.

Cheers. But what about Mrs Sharma? Mrs Sharma?

We've told her that she's not quite right with the job, see? So we sacked

your behalf.

Right. What?

Yeah. All we want is a cook the same as the old management used to have.

But you said they used to cook a lot of rubbish.

Yeah, but it used to be a load of British rubbish.

They never know what they want.

Where am I going to get another cook from?

I don't think you quite got rid of the first one, mate.

Oh, hello.

I'm sorry, mate. My wife wasn't suitable.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Sean. Can I have our wages, please?

Yeah, of course you can. Now, let's see. We agreed on seven bob an hour, six

hours, about two pound two. What have we got until, Jack?

Ten and four.

Aye.

As treasurer, you'll have to make up the other one pound eleven and eight out of

your own pocket till we're in profit.

Aye?

Blimey. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

She was dismissed.

She should have one week's wages.

Oh, yes, yes. Quite right, you know. Yes. As shop steward, I must uphold

We can't have no discrimination.

You'll have to pay her one week's wages in lieu of notice. That'll be a total of

£11 .80.

£11 .80?

It's all right. You'll get it back when the county's in profit.

Yeah, but blimey, this is your money. And the national insurance is 10.

Oh, yeah, well, you might as well let him buy that. It's another 15 and 7.

That'll be a total of £12 .30.

£12 .30?

Hang on, hang on. I wonder if she's entitled a severance pay.

Shut up, you mug.

She'll be wanting her holiday money next.

What did you say it was, £12? £12, 3, 10. £12, 3, 30, £12, 3, and that bit

there. There you are, Mrs Sharma, £12, 3, and 10 pence.

England is a wonderful country.

Tell them they're done.

You can say that again.

£12, 3, and 10 for a plate of curry.

Blimey, that's the dearest plate of curry I've ever had, I'll tell you.

You'd better start saving up for the next cook then, hadn't you?

Shut up.

I'm going to have some more water.

Now I know why they have so many droughts in India.

Stan, are you sure you won't have any dinner?

This Irish stew of olives is lovely.

Oh, blimey, Mum, don't make it worse.

I've got enough trouble as it is trying to find a new cook for the canteen

tomorrow. Yeah, well, I still don't know why you can't put the job olives away.

I said I've got enough trouble as it is.

Those fellas kicked up enough fuss about that curry.

Yeah, well, she wouldn't make curry, would she?

The way she cooks, they might wish she had.

Don't be so rude.

I didn't mean it that way, love, but you'd have to cook for 60 busmen.

60 men?

60? Oh, they might start taking liberties with her.

I don't think she'll have that problem.

They've got too much respect for her.

Yeah, I suppose you could say that.

Anyway, she'll, uh...

Be bringing home quite a tidy pay packet, and there's 12 free meals a week

thrown in. Oh, yeah, and the way she cooks, it'll be about throttling, mate.

Oh, no, Olive can cook all right. Oh, come off it, Mum.

The last time she made an Irish stew, she put a cough mixture in it.

I thought it was gravy brownie.

It wasn't her fault the glasses got steamed up.

She shouldn't have bent over the saucepan.

She had her reading glasses on. She couldn't see the steam.

Well, it was awful. I don't know how we ate it.

It may not have been tasty, but at least it was healthy.

Look, mate, Olive may not be the greatest cook in the world, but what she

is good enough for a lot of scruffy busmen. Now, look here, mate, those

can tell good gruff from bad.

What? Some of your mates can't tell the difference between a knife and a fork.

Now, look, Olive can make all sorts of tasty dishes if she wants to. She always

watches Fanny Craddock.

She watches Dr Kildare, but I wouldn't let her take me appendix out.

Now, now, I don't think... she do that, you know?

No. She might have her wrong glasses on.

Now, let's stop all this arguing. All right, all right, all right.

You give Olive the job.

Mum, she wouldn't be able to manage on her own.

Oh, all right.

I'll give her a hand.

Oh, yes, Mum. Now, what an idea.

Ah, good old Mum, now then. Yes, the two of you. Yes, you could manage, yes.

All right, I'll help you with the lunches.

Right -o, Olive. Liv, you start tomorrow morning at six o 'clock. You get the

first tease out for the busman.

Six o 'clock?

Oh, Arthur, do you hear that? It's hardly worth me going to bed.

Oh, right you are.

Hello, lads, hello.

Bert, what's the grub like today, eh?

It's not even ready yet. Now, look.

Get your blooming cook to get a move on. We're all doing it.

All right, all right.

Hang on, hang on a minute. Hang on.

Hey, why aren't you ready?

You didn't tell me it was an electric stove.

What's wrong with it? Oliver, it's 20 minutes trying to light it.

Oliver, what are you doing cutting the chips by hand?

It's a lovely chipping machine there. It's lovely and sharp.

Oh, no.

Oh, don't tell me you caught both fingers in the chipping machine

No.

I found when she was cutting the bandage for a finger.

Anyway, what have we got for lunch? Well, we've got fish and chips, pudding

custard. That's good. Is it ready? Oh, I'm afraid not.

I can't get this here.

It's stuck to melt.

You know, it's the worst of the electric stove.

They won't eat up. It's been two hours on here.

Well, it's a funny smell, that's all I can say.

Let's have a look at it. Yes, we'll do.

Come on, my mum. Let's have a look.

Where's the... Oh, blimey, mum. You've got it on the wrong one.

Oh, well, no wonder it hasn't melted the fat.

No, but it's melted the sauce, but look.

Oh, yes, well, that was a funny smell, wasn't it?

Oi, Lightning, what about the wrap? Now, now, keep calm, Bert, keep calm. Is

that keep calm?

Fresh,

all right, that's all.

Now, see what you've done.

Where's the fish? Come on, where's the fish? Oh, I'll put it in the fridge. All

right, all right.

No, not that one, that one there.

You idiot, that's a deep freeze.

It's all right, they're all cold.

under your tap and floor it out. Oh, dear.

Well, it's all very well. I caught it a little cold, too, wasn't it?

Oh,

that'll ruin the flavour. It won't taste like fish.

It doesn't matter. As long as it smells like fish, they'll be happy.

Well, some of these fillets are melting out.

That one ain't, though. Look at that, a fish lolly.

These are all right. Hey, Olive, get the taters ready. I'll batter these fillets

up.

Don't you know better when you see it?

Not olives, I don't.

Blimey, I can't serve it up like this.

Do you think they'll notice?

Even busmen won't eat cod with fried custard.

Stan, what's all that doing? The lads are getting very restless, you know.

want their grub. We ought to take the buses out. All right, all right.

Keep your hair on, mate. I just want to get this custard off this fish.

Mum? Yeah?

Is the factory... It's been melting in that pan. No, no, it won't. It won't

melt. Well, put it on the quick ring, the one that the saucepan was on. Oh,

all right.

Oh. Oh, it's got a lot of metal on there, dear. Well, don't figure that

Well, look at this. It's all covered in metal. Stop figuring it out.

Oh!

That's it now, hasn't it? That's done it, hasn't it? You've blown a fuse.

I never touched a fuse. I've never been anywhere near it. What's I love? I don't

mean that. You've poked about it. You've made a short and it's gone.

Oh, blimey, never mind. I'll have to fix a bit. Jack, give us a hand, will you?

Hang on. Hang on. Don't touch that.

I won't get a shock. You will if the shock stewards find out about it.

So what?

Look, as shock steward, I cannot allow that.

We cannot allow you mucking about with that. You could bring the whole country

to an halt. It'd be Fords all over again.

All right.

Get the electrician in here. Get him in here. Can't do that. Why? He's having

his lunch break. Well, we can't do that if the stove's off.

Do you think I could serve it up raw?

Raw?

We've got Indians, we've got Pakistanis, we've got Nigerians, we've got all

sorts here, but we haven't got Eskimos.

And let's serve it up with a nice sauce.

Oh, come on, I'll get something organised.

Leave it to me, leave it to me.

Here.

Why are we waiting?

Why are we waiting?

Oh, why are we waiting? Do they always have community singing in the lunch

Well, it's not usual.

No, it's generally the passengers.

Build that way now!

Is everything ready?

Oh, no!

I hope he's found an electrician.

Come on, then.

There we go.

What have you got there? Here, I've got 30 portions of fish and chips. I went

over to Joe's Bar and got them, you see.

So, get the plates out, get the plates out.

Open those, they're all in there, look.

Open them up.

Put them down there. Pick them up for me.

We've got those.

I've got to have a word with the lads. Hang on.

Sorry about the wait, lads. No, no, keep calm.

And if you've got your nice fish and chips all fresh, you can come and get

It's ready.

All right,

all right.

Stand back there. Stand back.

Make way for the inspector. Go on, get out of here.

Go on.

We'd like you to have yours first.

Oh, thanks very much. Just in case it's poisoned.

Oh, this is delicious, Mrs Butler.

Oh, thank you, thank you. Yes, I generally go across to Joe's Fish Bar,

know, for it, but it's never as good as this.

I can see this is freshly cooked.

You know, when it comes to cooking, I'm a bit of a collie sure, you know. Oh,

really? Right, one and six a portion.

No, not one and six, Mum. No, Mum, not one and six.

That's very cheap, you know.

I say it's very cheap. It cost me four bob a portion.

Blimey,

what I say?

I hear the organisation was a trifle chaotic.

How typical.

There's more to running a canteen than driving a bus, you know. Oh, I don't

think so bad.

I heard that we sell more meals than they had ever before.

Yeah, lost two and six on every one.

Yeah, well, of course, you do have to know how to count.

Shut up.

Sit down, Jack.

You doing all right, Hedger?

Wine, chicken, trifle?

Yeah, well, no -one aimed to get my supper. My wife earning a good pay

thought I could stretch myself to a few luxuries.

Well, you wouldn't make the most of it.

She's got the bullet.

Eh? Why?

Why? I've had a few words with the management. They've agreed to run the

again. I thought you were going to do it better than the management. Oh, he did.

He lost more in two days than they lost in six months.

I've jotted it down.

Have a look at that. £17 .10 down.

Here, wait a minute, mate.

You're more down than that. You've forgotten Olive's money.

Olive's money?

Blimey, she didn't do a stroke.

There's nothing in the union rules about that, mate. You're a shop steward, am I

right? Oh, it's quite right, yes. She is entitled to a week's wages.

She ain't got hope.

No, no, no, it's quite right. You paid, Mrs Sharma.

Yeah, but that's different. Mrs Sharma was an Indian.

Look, we can't have no discrimination.

You'll have to play her, mate.

Maybe the lads will have a whip round for you later.

Maybe.

Oh, you must pay your debts.

No, forget it, Mum.

Now, look, if you don't pay, Olive, I will.

What with?

The money you gave me to save for your holiday.

Oh, this is ridiculous. No, no, no, don't argue. Sit down and I'll make you

nice cup of cocoa for you and Jack for supper.

Cocoa?

Cocoa? With an overpaid brother -in -law and an overpaid sister? That's right,

come on, get the chicken, mate.

Take it away, will you? What do you think you're doing?