Original subtitles

Hello, Mum.

Hi, Olive. Hi, Arthur.

Hello, Stan. You're very late. I couldn't help it, Mum. The traffic's

murder. Who'd be a bus driver? Do you know what? It took me half an hour to

down the high street.

I well see you get down the high street quicker than that. Of course I could,

but I'm not allowed to leave the cab, am I?

Well, then I'll be ready in five minutes. Oh, good. Just type her a quick

Oh, it's a good idea. Thanks very much.

John, don't the railways pay you enough, then?

Why the hell don't you buy your own fags? I do, my packet's empty.

I've come to the conclusion you buy empty packets, you don't buy fags.

That's right.

I think you only married my sister just to get at my fags.

Did you, yes.

Oh, now, old fag, you didn't order smoke. It's not good for you.

Well, I'm all on edge. You don't realise, Mum, I've been driving that bus

nearly four hours non -stop.

I can't relax for a minute, you know. Oh, I know. It's a great responsibility,

all them people's lives in your hands. Oh, blimey, what a lot of fuss.

He drives a bus, not a jumbo jet.

Don't give me that, mate. Those pilots have it cushy.

What? Six hours across the Atlantic, battling against the elements. Yes, but

they don't have to keep stopping to pick up passengers.

And they don't have a hostess thing in the bell all the time to let people off.

Ooh. Oh, dear, you've got that there pain again.

Oh, it's only a twinge. Don't worry about it, Mum. We all get it.

It's what they call a bus driver's stomach.

Bus driver's stomach?

It's no such thing. What a lot of rot you do talk.

Of course there is.

It's sitting over that thumping engine all day long with the stress and the

strain of it all.

It's what they call occupational adders. It's like not when the conductors get

standing all day.

Do they have bus driver's stomach too?

No, they get conductors' flat feet.

Oh, well, that's not so bad.

You can't put your feet in a nice, soft bowl of water. More than you can do with

your stomach.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, you've got the pain again.

You'd better have some of Olive's medicine.

You don't mind, do you, Olive?

Couldn't care less. Gives me winds.

Mother, I don't want it. Please, now, put it away. I don't want it. I don't

the medicine.

Oh, dear, come on. Give me your hand. All I want is me lunch. I'll get you

lunch, now. All right.

It's got nothing to do with it. I get the pain from driving the bus.

It has got nothing to do with driving your bus. It's your eating habits.

What are you talking about?

Gobbling down all the wrong sort of food.

God, blimey, you've done half -talk, a load of rubbish at times, haven't you?

Don't take your notes from me, mate.

Here's your evidence.

You listen to this.

The effects of food on the body. You are what you eat. If that's the case, you

must have been brought up on stewed cod's heads.

Do you mind? It's a very serious book.

Chapter one.

How to stop digging your grave with your teeth. That's easy.

Have your teeth out.

If you don't shut up, I'll knock yours out. Blimey, Arthur, I was only joking.

You complain about a pain in your throat. Now, what's going on here, eh?

Oh, good. Fried sauces and chips.

Where's the chips at?

Here they are. I've just warmed them up. Oh, good. The smell gets right in me

lungs. Well, don't worry, love.

I'll soon put this lot out of your way.

Blimey, if you've got a pain in your stomach, you shouldn't be eating fried

for a start.

Well, can't do him no harm. I cook to myself.

If you cooked him arsenic, he wouldn't exactly thrive on it, would he?

Now, listen here.

Fried food can be positively dangerous to anyone with an ulcer.

But, Blimey, I haven't got an ulcer.

You will have after that lot, mate.

If an habitual pain is not caused by ulceration, however, it could be the

of several serious ailments.

What are they?

Well, he doesn't specify exactly, but he says most of these can prove fatal.

I do? Yeah.

Oh. Ah, thank you. No, it's a load of rubbish, Mum.

Oh, well, makes you think, Stan.

Hmm, you never know.

What are you doing?

It's got nothing to do with it.

I just get the cramp, that's all.

It's the acid in your stomach.

You've got enough acid in your stomach to burn a two -inch hole in a carpet.

Now, look here. Now, that's silly. Stan don't eat bits of carpet.

No. Look, it is a well -established fact that the excess eating of fried food

can lead to the necessity for surgical intervention.

Hmm. That's right.

Well, we won't take no chances.

Oh, for God's sake, chips have never hurt me. Oh, yes, they have.

Remember when you went in the shadow van to market?

You had chips and you were sick all day.

I remember that day better than you do.

On that day, I had crockles, six ice creams, two plates of jelly dills, a

floss, a ride on the Big Dipper, kicking the stomach from her all in half an

hour. Well,

I think Arthur's right.

Best have no chips at all.

Chips never did anyone any good at all.

Blimey, look, I've got to survive on two sausages. No, no, no, all right, love,

all right. You shall have one of Olive's yoghurts.

A yoghurt?

Yes, that's right.

Apple and bilberry.

Oh, I don't like it.

So I do want it, don't you, Ollie? No, I've had too many chips.

Right, well, I've got to get back to the depot anyway.

What, now?

You're not taking a bus out till four o 'clock. No, no, but I just remembered

I've... Got some paperwork to do, haven't I? Ta -da, then. Ta -da, love.

Ta -da.

The service in this canteen's getting shocking.

You came up here half an hour ago. You've only just got your chips. That's

third portion.

That's what I've been telling him. If you've got a pain in your stomach, feed

it. Give me a gastric juice, it's something to work on. Couldn't agree

Spice up the sauce, will you, Harry?

Might as well give it a bit of overtime.

I've been driving for 20 years, and you've got to learn to live with

stomach. Double portion of chips and tea, love.

Mind you, if your stomach's bad, don't let on to the inspector.

They're tightening up.

Any driver who isn't up to it has been transferred to cleaning.

Sure. No, but that's typical, isn't it? The management don't want to risk having

to pay sick benefits.

No, they'd rather pay death benefit.

Because that way they only pay it once, you see.

Oh,

Jack, I've got that pain again.

Do you think it's anything to do with eating this greasy food? No, of course

isn't. It's sitting in your cab all day, isn't it? Clumped over the wheels.

It's your posture.

What's wrong with it? You ain't got none.

I'll tell you what it is, mate. See, your vertebrae is pressing against your

gastric nerve. There, like that.

Bustard stuff.

Bustard stuff. I was telling my brother -in -law Arthur about that, yeah. What

you want, mate, is manipulation.

Yeah. Tell you what, why don't you get Bert to have a go at you?

He does the football team. Wizard with his hands, you know. Jack's right. A

quick twist of your backbone's from Bert, and you'll be as right as right.

Bert, it really... He's an expert on both.

Yeah. Oh, good, yeah.

What's your trouble, look, muscles?

No, no, it's not me, it's him.

It's his vertebra. Yeah.

Yeah, it's to do with the spine, right? Yeah, what's the thing with the

manipulation of the spine? You might need a little bit of looting up. Oh, oh,

oh!

I can't do it like sitting down.

Stand up.

All it wants is your own neck stretched out this way.

Are you a bullet? Yeah.

Are you a bone man or an egg man?

Now, look, you've got to relax.

If you don't relax, I can't do nothing, can I? Well, haven't you done it? Now,

look, you ready? Yeah. Now, I'm going to do it now. Hold up.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Come and sit down.

All you've got to do is when you get home, have a nice hot bath, and you'll

as white as white. Right?

Oh,

thanks, Bert. They are. Never felt a thing, did you? That's because I'm numb.

You look better already.

Oh, he knows what he's doing to us, Bert. He was taught to do that in the

To their side or ours?

Look, Blimey's half crippled me, Jack. Oh, they are? Yeah, Bert, you haven't

this.

Pay attention now.

I've got an official notice here from the office.

Concerns all drivers.

You all right, are you? Yeah. Oh, blimey!

Yeah, why? What's wrong?

I'm glad to hear it.

Because the management, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that all

must undergo a medical next Tuesday.

Medical? What for?

Too many of yous are not properly fit.

Some of yous are not fit for anything.

Any driver found to be suffering from stomach, back or allied complaints...

Might be transferred to other duties, i .e. cleaning or maintenance.

That means no overtime.

Exactly. So you'd better hurry up and get yourself fit, don't you?

You've got exactly five days in which to fool the board.

Don't worry me, mate. There's nothing wrong with me.

No?

Well, I'll pin this up on the board and you can all read it in your own leisure

time, right?

Yeah.

You're the right comic that mug, aren't you?

Medical.

It's a piece of cake, mate. Walk it. Let's have a look at it.

Oh, cool!

I keep telling you, I don't need a doctor. I can pass that company,

just like that.

It's done it can run it more than me, so stop worrying. It's just a little

twinge I've got.

I'm fit.

Fit?

Blimey, you even make Olive here look healthy.

What a family I'm married into.

Now, kid, don't you talk about my children like that.

When you married my Olive, we all knew about your condition.

Yeah.

better after you had the operation.

Yeah, but it ruined the first year of my marriage.

Anyway,

I've got to go, Mum.

Now then, are you coming back later, love? Yeah, and I'm telling you

else. I don't need a doctor, so you can get your mind off of that for the time.

Well, I still think you want to see Dr. Clark.

I don't want one, Mum. I hate doctors. You know that. I've got to get cracking

now.

All right, you're coming back later.

Well, I'll knock off at two o 'clock. Let's see. I'll promise Jack to see his

motorbike, take his injury to bits. I'll be back at five o 'clock. All right,

love. Tell him, Mum.

I've been thinking, when Dr.

Clark comes to see Olive, he could see Stan at the same time.

Well, he's not coming to see Olive. Oh, yes, he is.

Olive, dear, I think you'd better go up to bed.

Eh?

No, I don't feel that ill. Don't argue, dear. Do as your mum says. Up you go.

Oh, Mum, I saw Dr.

Clark yesterday.

Now, ring up Dr.

Clark and tell him that Dolly's not feeling very well. Ring up.

I think if Stan finds out Dr. Clark's here, he's not going to drop in to see

him. Oh, I can manage Stan all right. He won't know nothing about it till it's

too late.

Won't he?

No. Dr. Clark will be here shaking him by the hand with one hand and filling

stomach with the other.

I hope Stan won't be late.

Oh, look, the doctor's not due for ten minutes.

Yeah, come on, love. Come on, help me tidy up the place. Go on.

Here, Rutley.

Here, you want this laundry put in a cupboard? No, no, no, give it to me.

cut it out for Stan.

Well, clean, vest and paint. Yes, I want him to have everything on clean.

He's got to have everything on clean and never know what the doctor may want to

examine.

I'll tell you something.

Dr. Clarke is very thorough.

Here, he's standing up. Oh, so it is.

I'd like to take Jack's motorbike and a bit to the engine. Look, it's a bit of a

messy job, see? Yeah, yeah, well, you can't sit down and tea like that. No, of

course you can't. I'll turn the water on in the sink. There's no point, Mum. I'm

going straight back after tea to put the engine together again. Yeah, well, I'm

telling you, you can't sit down and tea like that. Oh, well, if you feel that

way about it, I shan't bother about tea. I'll go straight back to Jack. Oh, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't do that because... Because what?

because... Yeah, well... Well, because your mother's got the tea all set out,

hasn't she?

Yes, I have. Now, come on, wash your face and your hands.

I'll turn the water on.

Now, there's the tote, love. So, what, he needs a quick whip round with a wild

wolf? Oh, dear,

it smells awful, really, it does.

Oh, here, look at your chest, all covered in oil.

Don't, don't, don't. Don't wipe it off, Mum. It makes your ears grow bigger.

Oh, you stink to high heaven. It's all right.

The cat's gone out the room.

No, not mummy. You've got to do something.

Where's the air freshener? What?

Oh, yes, that's our dear, yes. Here we are.

That's fine. What are you doing? Turn it in. I don't... Get away. I don't want

it, mum. Pack it up, pack it up. You've got to smell nice anyway. Blimey, I'm

only going to have a cup of tea. I'm not going on my honeymoon.

Give it to me.

Blimey, that's ant killer.

You swat yourself.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What? Don't sit down on him in them filthy trousers.

You get them changed, eh, Mum?

Get them changed. And while you're at it, you can put your clean pants on,

Clean pants?

Clean pants? Well, blow it, have a cup of tea.

How's your vest?

My vest and pants?

Have you gone potty?

What about his vest and pants? Why don't he change his?

There's someone at the front door. I wonder who that can be.

Oh, shall I go and answer it?

No, I'll let him in.

How'd she know it was in him?

Yeah, well, she must have recognised his knock.

But he rang.

Larvish, Dr Clark, what's he come for?

Oh, he must have come to see Olive. She's in bed with her chest.

Well, let's hope she don't bring him in here, that's all I say.

Best clean pants.

All the best crockery out. Yeah, well... Blimey, she's cunning and she's dead

craft. You've got to admit that. And you knew all about it as well. I'll tell

you something, mate. He's not putting his hands on me.

Shouldn't he, what? He would have rubber gloves on.

He's nothing but a doddling old fool. I'm telling you that.

Do you know what he is? He's an old twat. Oh, I know.

Doctor, Doctor Clark insisted on seeing Oliver T .U. first. I bet he did. Now,

good afternoon, Arthur. Good afternoon.

Well... Oh, Stanley, your mother tells me you've been having trouble with your

stomach. Oh, just a twinge, Lord. Well, now, tell me, do you feel any pain just

there? No. Oh!

Oh, yeah?

Oh!

Sometimes we get some pain just there. Oh!

He's got a full house, hasn't he?

Oh, you must think it's all like the acute inflammation of the stomach and

duodenum. You'll have to watch what you eat.

She can't do that. She's never on the plate long enough.

He always did, even when he was a little baby. He was always so eager. He used

to bite the top off the bottle.

Still down there, I think.

Doctor, do you think that Stan will pass his butt medical?

What? The company doctor will spot what's wrong with him without getting

his car.

Listen, Doctor, can you give me something for him? Well, I can't do

about the shrinking up you get from the engine. But I can give you a little

painkiller. Then you'll have to go on a very strict diet of milk and sluts.

What? No chips?

He won't stay there for a minute.

Oh, yes, he will if I say so.

Yeah.

I've got willpower.

You are a chip addict.

Your chips sudden, mate. You have them with every meal.

What are you talking about?

I don't have them for breakfast, do I?

I can give up chips just like that, mate. They don't mean anything to me,

telling you.

and a few chips, mate. Me? No, no, I'm all right with this, no.

What is that stuff?

Boiled milk and, er, straight tapioca.

Blimey. Yeah, very good. Go down the street.

Stopping your kite as usual, are you?

Come on. You're due out in three minutes.

Oh, blimey, I've got me way, Bill. See you on the bus. Yeah, all right then,

Jack, yeah.

Cemetery gate. This will be Stan's bus.

Now, he ought to be here at any moment now.

I wonder where he is.

Oh, there he is. Stan.

Hello, Stan.

Been in the canteen.

Yes, Mum. Having your milk pudding.

Why are you chewing?

Oh, it's a bit lumpy.

Ready, Stan?

Yes, yes.

Here. What are you two doing here, anyway?

Oh, Mum brought something to help your stomach.

I'm the chemist. I don't want any more medicine.

No, not medicine. This.

Rubber ring?

Yeah. You sit on it, love.

Well, I can see it's not an A, though.

Look, Mum, I've got pain in me stomach and I've got pain in me back, but I

certainly haven't got pain in me... Yeah, well, you will have if you expect

copsy with that thing.

You'll get a boot right up your rear bumper.

Now, Sam, you put that on the diving seat and it stops all the vibrations

up to your stomach, you know?

Now, put it on the... Yeah, what I'm trying to say is, ma 'am, you see...

what's the matter? Don't you like it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, it's just what I wanted.

Oh, well, put it on the seat and sit on it.

What, now?

Yes, love, we want to see if it fits.

The man said it must fit properly. It might not be your size.

Yeah, six and seven -eighths, that's my size, yeah.

We don't want you to get stuck in it, Stan.

No, don't worry. If he does, I can always prize him out with a couple of

levers.

Here, ma 'am, look.

I don't think I can put this in the cab. Here, watch it. Here comes the Gestalt,

though. Come on, partner. Come on. You'll do it, you know.

Oh. Oh.

Got the whole family here today, have we?

I do. I do.

Stan, we bought this for Stan. He gave me a send -off.

Send -off?

He's going to the cemetery gates and back. He's not sailing on a non -stop

voyage around the world.

I'll see the Queen gives him a night -load when he comes back, shall I?

Oh, thank you.

What's that new bollard in the high street?

Hi. What? What are you sitting up there like that for?

I'm not, I'm not. You are. You're much higher than usual. What are you sitting

up there like that for? I'm not. Well, it's, er... What is it? Well, they've

pumped the tyres up a bit too hard.

Drive away.

Come on, don't feel pity.

minutes late, you know, you must do better than that. What kind of traffic?

mean, you can't do... What's that?

Oh, yes, that's my life belt.

Life belt?

Well, you're thinking of driving into the river, are you?

Yeah, next time you're on board.

Very funny.

Well, you'd better start thinking of doing that within the next three days

don't you?

What are you talking about?

When the medical board sees you, mate, they'll have you out of that cab. You

won't be up there driving it, you'll be out of there cleaning it.

I tell you what, mate, you wouldn't pass a medical. They chucked you out for

making acid.

What are you talking about?

Don't be personal.

I do not make acid.

No, but I do, every time I see you.

Come on, Jack.

Here, Arthur, here's your tips. Oh, thanks very much.

You know, I haven't been medical.

Do I have to keep drinking this stuff all the time?

You haven't had the results yet?

No. I think you'd better stick to your milk, you know. Tomorrow, I'll give you

something else.

Oh, good.

A nice piece of boiled cod.

He's in here.

Stan, Jack and Harry. Oh, hello, Jack. Oh,

Stan, we just came from the depot. They put the results of the medical in the

rack. Oh, yeah? Thought you'd like to see yours.

Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.

I wonder what he says.

You're too frightened to open it.

I'm not.

I'm fast, mate. I'm fast. What did I tell you? I'm fast. Oh, no, no. Don't

too excited.

Love's hit your stomach.

You're lucky, mate. How do you get got turned down? Oh, hard luck, mate. Did

they put you on cleaning?

No.

Inspector.

Inspector? Yeah. The three drivers that failed the medical got made inspector.

Oh, I see.

You know, you're not getting so much money then.

Two quid a week.

More. Oh.

drink any more of that stuff. If I'd have drunk it in the first place, I'd

been an inspector.

Besides, milk's for cats. Give it to Rusty. Oh.

What are you going to have?

Oh, there's chips.