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1
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,510
You're the Worst.
All new, Wednesday at 10:30.
2
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:10,478
On FXX.
3
00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:15,883
FX presents Married.
4
00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:20,388
All right, good one, next.
5
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:21,389
Next... okay.
6
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,691
Yeah, good.
7
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:24,725
Bam.
8
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:26,227
Hey, guys, just reminding you
9
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,228
about the meet this weekend.
10
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:28,396
Get there early.
11
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,064
Warm-ups start at 7:30.
12
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:31,599
You got it.
Don't be late.
13
00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,601
Maya's one of our
strongest gymnasts.
14
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:36,170
Seriously?
Absolutely.
15
00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:38,772
I can't wait to see her
win her first medal.
16
00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:42,076
You hear that?
17
00:00:42,110 --> 00:00:44,512
We're gonna win a medal.
18
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:47,248
Technically, it would be
Maya's medal.
19
00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:48,882
LINA:
No, no. That's our medal.
20
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,418
All the money
we spend on classes,
21
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:51,952
talking to the other parents.
22
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,854
Yeah, that is the worst.
23
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:56,757
I don't care about your
husband's sleep apnea.
24
00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:58,759
I don't care if your
cat has diabetes.
25
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,094
You're right.
26
00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:01,762
We do deserve that medal.
27
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:12,473
What are the squiggle marks here
on Farmer Todd's hands?
28
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,308
Oh, I wanted to make it look
like he had the shakes.
29
00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:16,244
Oh.
I could also
add some stink lines.
30
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,146
No, no, no.
Unless you think
it's too much.
31
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:20,114
No, no, no. I like the,
I like the shakes.
Okay.
32
00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:21,782
The more alcoholic,
the better, okay?
That one.
33
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:22,883
Hey!
34
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,219
I've got great news.
35
00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:26,920
You're transitioning
into a woman.
36
00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:29,157
Farmer Todd
37
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:32,293
has a... publisher.
38
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:33,594
Really?
Nuh-uh.
39
00:01:33,627 --> 00:01:34,762
Yes.
Really?
40
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:36,464
What's
the publishing house?
41
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:37,898
Is there an advance?
We should go in
42
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,733
on a race horse together.
Stop.
43
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:42,170
Is it official?
Basically.
44
00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,138
We just need to sit down
with Shep's publisher friend,
45
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,607
then we need to pitch her the
idea, then she needs to like it.
46
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,109
Oh, okay, so we don't
have a publisher.
47
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:50,178
We will.
We just need
48
00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,012
to sit down with her
this weekend.
49
00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:53,614
Well... I can't.
50
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,916
We have Maya's gymnastics meet.
51
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,351
Reschedule it.
52
00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:59,953
No way.
Lina and I might win a medal.
53
00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,992
There's a lot of gymnasts.
54
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:06,627
Mommy, I have
to pee again.
55
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:07,961
Ah! Again?
56
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:09,297
I have a small bladder.
57
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,932
I'm a child.
LINA: Okay, baby.
58
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,168
Up there, to the left.
Will you go with them?
59
00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:15,636
She's anxious.
60
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,037
She has to pee
when she's anxious.
61
00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:18,339
It's her tell.
62
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:19,807
RUSS: She better get
her shit together
63
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,342
and not blow this for us.
(Lina laughing)
64
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,976
Russ?
65
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:24,178
Kristi.
66
00:02:24,212 --> 00:02:25,946
(quiet laugh)
67
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,015
Hey.
68
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:29,817
Mm, wow.
Wow, yeah.
69
00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:32,620
(anxious chuckle)
70
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:33,721
(clears throat)
Yeah.
71
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,789
I'm sorry, uh...
72
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,791
Kristi, uh,
this is, uh, my wife.
73
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:40,194
Lina.
Lina.
74
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,663
Yes, I figured.
75
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,799
Are you guys here
for the gymnastics meet?
76
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,201
Our daughter's
in the Blues.
77
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:49,470
Do you have
a kid competing?
Uh, no.
78
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,672
Actually, I'm one of the judges.
79
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,041
(sighs)
Anyways,
80
00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:56,043
it was really nice
to finally meet you.
81
00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:58,078
Uh-huh.
82
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,182
Who was that?
83
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:04,818
We're not gonna win a medal.
84
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,387
(groans quietly)
85
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,188
Here, here.
Room 305.
86
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:15,195
So, why aren't
we winning a medal?
87
00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:18,332
You remember that time that
we broke up after college?
88
00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:21,201
Oh, when I was
"crowding" you?
89
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:23,036
It was a confusing time.
90
00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:24,672
Uh-huh.
Anyway,
91
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,207
Kristi was one of the people
that I hooked up with.
92
00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:29,042
Okay.
93
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,579
And she was...
really into me.
94
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:34,282
And...
95
00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:37,017
No, I mean, like,
she was really into me.
96
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,686
We had incredible sex.
97
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,588
I mean, crazy sex.
98
00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:42,022
I mean, she was a
gymnast, you know, so...
99
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,424
Is there a point to this?
100
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:44,625
There's no way
101
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:47,661
that that woman can
judge us fairly.
102
00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:53,467
Oh... because of how hard
you banged her.
103
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:56,437
Because I went back to you.
104
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:58,071
Ah.
You won.
105
00:03:58,105 --> 00:04:00,073
What did I win?
106
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:01,642
This is not funny, Lina.
107
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,110
(laughs)
108
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:05,112
I ruined that woman.
Mm-hmm.
109
00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:09,049
And now she is gonna ruin Maya's
chances at winning a medal.
110
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,484
You really believe that?
111
00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:13,754
I just feel...
really bad for Maya.
112
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,389
Yeah.
113
00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:18,091
It sucks to have
a delusional father.
114
00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:25,766
Okay, so this is for children?
115
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,335
It's for the whole family.
116
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:29,837
How hard is it to have
that first conversation
117
00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:32,840
with your children about
the disease of addiction?
118
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,476
Well, now it doesn't have to be.
119
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:36,744
And then the-the animals,
120
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:39,313
they throw an intervention
for this farmer?
121
00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:41,315
All except the horse--
he's an enabler.
122
00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,651
You know,
if this works out,
123
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:45,353
I have an erotic
science fiction trilogy
124
00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:46,587
that I've been working on
125
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,789
for some time.
(AJ slams hand on table)
126
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,190
So, here's my offer.
127
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,159
You have until
midnight tonight
128
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:53,927
to decide, or
else we take this
129
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,496
across the street.
130
00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:57,331
Across the street.
131
00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:58,466
"Across the street"?
132
00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,000
To Panera?
133
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:02,002
I think what AJ is trying to say
134
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,671
is that he's very excited,
135
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:06,306
uh, for you to share this
with your team
136
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:09,677
and to see what they think.
137
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:12,380
Right.
Okay.
138
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:14,147
Great.
Well, thank you.
139
00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:15,516
Wonderful.
140
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,818
All right.
All right.
141
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,387
Shep, can I talk to you
alone for a second?
142
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,188
Uh, sure.
Great.
143
00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:27,327
So what did she say?
144
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:28,796
Does she want the
movie rights, too?
145
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,498
Hold it-- live-action or CGI?
146
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:34,167
She just asked me
to dinner tonight.
147
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:35,636
Ah... really?
148
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,137
Yeah.
To talk about the book?
149
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,238
I don't think so.
150
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:40,374
It was like an actual date.
151
00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:42,410
Oh...
Yes! That is awesome, buddy!
152
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,578
Is it?
We're in!
153
00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:46,046
Yeah, do I have time
to change?
154
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,515
I mean, what should I wear?
No, no. I-I don't...
155
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:48,582
I don't think that's
what she meant.
156
00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:49,750
I think four could be a crowd.
157
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:52,219
Not if you're
rotating holes.
158
00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:53,521
What?
159
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:56,590
Like in the movies.
160
00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:59,427
Eh...
161
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,428
Okay.
162
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,029
Hmm.
163
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:04,432
Guess he's not a film buff.
164
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,408
Maya, get your head
off the table.
165
00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:15,876
Maya?
166
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,580
I was so bad today.
167
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:22,416
That's the lowest beam score
I've ever had.
168
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,618
Honey, you'll do better
tomorrow.
169
00:06:24,652 --> 00:06:25,853
It wasn't your fault.
170
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,421
Whose fault was it?
171
00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:28,789
The judges.
172
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,625
Well, one of them
in particular.
173
00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:34,261
Girls, go wash your hands.
174
00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,033
What are you doing?
175
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,769
You don't think
it's weird that the judge
176
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,637
who gave our daughter
the lowest score
177
00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:46,807
happens to be the only one
I've had sex with?
178
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,408
No.
179
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,077
Look...
180
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:52,780
I was really shitty to Kristi.
181
00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:55,583
Like, really shitty.
182
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,918
Okay?
Shitty how?
183
00:06:57,951 --> 00:07:00,454
When you and I got
back together,
184
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:03,290
I didn't do the best job...
185
00:07:03,323 --> 00:07:06,827
breaking up with her.
186
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,629
I don't understand.
187
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:10,731
Haven't you ever, you know,
188
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:13,433
quit a job by just...
189
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,469
not showing up?
190
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,638
Russ...
191
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:20,474
It was before texting.
192
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:23,544
You suck.
193
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:32,620
(AJ whistles)
BERNIE: There he is.
194
00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,354
Handsome man.
195
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:35,756
SHEPARD:
Oh, good.
196
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,491
I was afraid I was gonna
have to go on this date
197
00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:39,359
all by myself.
That's why we're here.
198
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:41,261
Since you're newly single,
we've been researching
199
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:42,830
dating tips on the Internet.
200
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:44,464
Turns out there are
many schools of thought.
201
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,667
I'm good.
202
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:47,935
AJ:
Tip number one...
203
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,937
Okay.
204
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,272
When the waiter brings you
your menus,
205
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,542
you might want to mention
that one in five children
206
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:57,711
have an alcoholic adult
living inside their home.
207
00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,279
This is good.
This will set up the mood.
208
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,881
BERNIE:
Number two:
209
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,516
when you bring
the young lady home,
210
00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,184
turn the lights down real low,
211
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,953
and remind her
that children of addicts
212
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,522
are three times more likely
to become addicts themselves.
213
00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:10,123
You're absolutely right.
214
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,959
A beautiful woman wants
to take me to dinner,
215
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,561
but instead of
rebuilding my life,
216
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,295
I should hawk your book.
217
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,364
Hey... why rebuild
right away?
218
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:18,799
Wallow in it.
219
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,001
Spiral down, bro.
220
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,736
BERNIE:
You're doing it wrong.
221
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:24,404
Good.
222
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:25,906
Move the piece of shit.
223
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,575
All right.
Actually it gets
224
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,910
very good pickup
for a no-emissions vehicle.
225
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:33,313
Okay. Okay.
(revving engine)
226
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:36,116
*
227
00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:48,762
Ma'am, I'm with hotel security.
228
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:51,732
We have a strict
non-soliciting policy...
229
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,466
so, no working girls.
230
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:58,538
Uh, it was...
231
00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:01,341
funny in my head
when I was...
I'm actually meeting someone.
232
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:05,579
Oh. Uh... boyfriend or husband?
233
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:07,881
That's none of
your business.
234
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:10,784
Well... can I...
235
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:12,720
talk to you while you wait?
236
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:14,254
Fine.
237
00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,689
Um...
238
00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:17,758
Mm.
239
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,927
Something has been
bothering me
240
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,395
for the last,
I don't know...
241
00:09:22,429 --> 00:09:24,632
15 years.
242
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,369
Right. Um...
243
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,471
I just feel like
we didn't, you know,
244
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:33,707
leave things
on a great note.
245
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:35,408
(laughs): A note would've,
would've been great.
246
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:37,778
Anything.
247
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,647
In my defense,
248
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:43,083
it was before
text... texting.
249
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:47,087
Um, but that's-that's
no excuse.
250
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,823
I... I...
251
00:09:49,857 --> 00:09:52,726
apologize...
252
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,828
deeply, sincerely...
253
00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,830
from the bottom
of my heart.
254
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:59,066
I-I feel terrible.
255
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:02,169
So we are cool?
256
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,737
Do I forgive you?
257
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:06,273
Is-is that what
you're asking me?
258
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:09,176
No. I mean, I was...
259
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,244
just...
260
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,413
Yeah, I guess. I guess.
(wry chuckle)
261
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,115
Yes.
262
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,617
No. I don't forgive you.
263
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,454
Good night.
264
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,727
*
265
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:30,664
(ring tapping against plate)
266
00:10:30,698 --> 00:10:32,032
Ooh.
267
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:35,335
Hi.
268
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:36,704
Hi!
269
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:37,805
Hi.
Oh.
270
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:39,139
Oh, I'm sorry.
271
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:40,473
Hi.
272
00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:41,675
Hi, sorry I'm late.
273
00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:43,276
I got stuck on a call.
274
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,778
No, not a...
not a problem.
275
00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:47,347
It is nice to see you.
276
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:48,682
And you.
277
00:10:48,716 --> 00:10:50,517
Thank you.
(chuckles)
278
00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:52,886
Okay, just...
279
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,521
just remind me
how this works again?
280
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:56,056
Dating?
281
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,657
Yeah.
282
00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:59,159
We eat and we talk
283
00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:01,061
and we pretend to be better
than we actually are?
284
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:02,562
Yeah, that's pretty much
how we do it.
285
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:03,897
Mmm.
Yeah.
286
00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:05,833
So my criminal history,
287
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,667
my medical records...
put that off?
Yeah, yeah.
288
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:08,702
Yeah.
That's-that's
second date.
289
00:11:08,736 --> 00:11:10,137
Second date.
That's second date.
290
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,739
So the first date
would be all lies?
291
00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:13,540
Pretty much, yeah. Yeah.
292
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,475
Uh...
293
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,577
I'm a volunteer fireman.
294
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:18,912
But I only do small fires.
295
00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,881
(both laughing)
296
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:26,386
Some pendants...
what I've got is pendants...
297
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,822
um, necklaces...
298
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:29,890
CLIENT: Watches?
Do you do those?
299
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:31,191
KRISTI:
I don't do watches, no.
300
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:32,926
Too many moving parts.
301
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,195
(talking quietly)
302
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:41,701
...just do a chandelier?
303
00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:44,171
I feel like a chandelier would
look good with your face shape.
304
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,272
I really love chandeliers.
305
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,506
Hey...
306
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,208
I-I couldn't
help but think
307
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,943
about what
you just said
308
00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:51,344
and do you have one more minute?
309
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:52,913
Uh, sor-- I'm with
clients right now.
310
00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:53,914
RUSS:
I know, I know.
311
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:56,416
I just... I want to apologize
312
00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:58,551
for-for everything, you know,
that's happened between us.
313
00:11:58,585 --> 00:11:59,920
Uh, yeah, you
already have.
314
00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,621
I know,
315
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:03,090
but when we were over there,
I felt like you...
316
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,292
What is it you really want?
317
00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:07,360
I just want
to make you feel better,
318
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:10,030
but you're not letting me.
Oh, so now
you're the victim?
319
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,364
No, no, you're the victim.
320
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:12,632
I'm-I'm not the victim.
321
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:13,801
I-I-I victimized you.
322
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:16,203
Big-time.
Is everything okay,
or...?
323
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,138
Should we call security?
RUSS:
No, no, it's fine.
324
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:20,974
It's fine.
No, it's not fine.
325
00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:22,976
We dated a million
years ago,
326
00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:24,311
and now he won't
leave me alone.
327
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:25,946
RUSS:
I...
328
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,915
I was just trying to apologize,
329
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:30,650
you know, for not letting
her know that we were broken up.
330
00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:33,620
You know, she has
some very bad
331
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:34,822
feelings about me,
and it's-it's not good
332
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,156
for her to hold onto them.
333
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:37,657
How about apologizing
334
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:39,459
for not telling me
that you were engaged?
335
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:40,794
Yes, that's good.
336
00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:42,562
That's a great example.
Okay. Fine.
337
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:43,563
You want to talk about this?
338
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:44,832
Yes.
339
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,333
You want to hear
how depressed I was?
340
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:47,667
How I couldn't get out
of bed for three months?
341
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,169
How I stopped eating?
342
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:52,005
Yeah, I mean...
343
00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,606
you know, maybe
in another room somewhere.
344
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,275
I was destroyed, Russ.
345
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,810
(sighs)
346
00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:58,178
You know, I knew that
you would get back together
347
00:12:58,211 --> 00:12:59,479
with Lina.
348
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:00,814
That I was
just a detour.
349
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,682
You were not
just a detour, okay?
350
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:03,783
Oh, what was I, then?
351
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:06,453
You were... a...
352
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,856
like a backpacking trip
through Europe.
353
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:12,459
With incredible architecture
354
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,327
that has stood the test of time,
by the way.
355
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:17,430
Look, I was an idiot
356
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:19,032
back then, okay?
357
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:21,101
But now I've-I've changed.
(sighs)
358
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:23,370
I'm-I'm just a-a good dad
359
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,038
and a decent husband.
360
00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:26,706
And that's why I blocked you
on Facebook,
361
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,308
because I didn't want
to see pictures of your happy
362
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:29,342
little family.
363
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,618
We're not that happy.
364
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:42,856
I mean, we're fine,
but it's not...
365
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:44,424
It's ups and downs.
366
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,497
AJ:
So, what happened?
367
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,199
I want all the details.
368
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:54,701
No, you don't.
369
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:57,137
All you care about is your book.
370
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,006
Which she's passing on,
by the way.
371
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,307
AJ:
What?
372
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,309
SHEPARD:
Mm-hmm.
Shit.
373
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:03,843
Yep.
All right,
374
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:06,113
see you next time
you need a favor.
375
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:11,518
Is everything okay, man?
376
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:13,753
Yeah, yeah. You bet.
377
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,355
Well...
378
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:18,025
You know,
I've been better.
379
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:20,427
Well, what else
happened on the date?
380
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:21,895
Did you guys have bad sex?
381
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:25,698
Hey, hey... a gentleman
does not kiss and tell.
382
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:27,000
Sure he does.
383
00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:29,002
Well, I don't.
Sure you do.
384
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,537
Okay.
385
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,505
Well, we-we did not
have intercourse.
386
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:33,773
There you go.
387
00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:36,076
Oh... oh.
You happy?
388
00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:39,446
She probably could detect
your sadness.
389
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:43,083
Hmm? That happened to me a lot
after Roxanne and I split up.
390
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,684
They can smell it.
It's a big turnoff.
391
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,119
No. No.
392
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:48,188
She was very willing.
393
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,590
I was actually
the one...
394
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,459
With the boner problems.
No.
395
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,794
Are you sure?
No boner problems.
396
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,263
Are you sure?
Yes.
397
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:57,764
Because after Roxanne left me,
398
00:14:57,797 --> 00:14:59,699
I practically had to tie it
to a stick.
399
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,368
Hey. Okay, no.
400
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,970
There was no need for a stick.
401
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:04,071
Okay.
All right.
402
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:06,073
What is the deal, then?
403
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:08,475
No sad smell, no boner problems.
404
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:10,210
I don't get it. Come on.
405
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,945
(sighs)
406
00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:14,714
We were naked...
407
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:18,618
Mm!
...and I started
thinking about Jess.
408
00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:22,055
(imitates gunshot)
409
00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:24,491
Right.
410
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,493
I get it.
411
00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:28,996
Hmm.
412
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:30,964
Vagina twin.
413
00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:33,566
Beg your pardon?
414
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,969
Every woman has a vagina twin.
415
00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:40,740
That's when two women look
exactly the same down there.
416
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,010
You found Jess' vagina twin,
417
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:44,744
and you couldn't
go through with it.
418
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,413
Good call.
419
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:50,317
Yes. Finally someone
who gets it.
420
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,752
I do, and you know what?
421
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,988
I think you should be
proud of yourself.
422
00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:57,324
Mm. Why?
423
00:15:57,357 --> 00:16:00,193
'Cause my wife left me, or
'cause I'm in too much pain
424
00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:02,996
to actually have sex
with another woman?
425
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:10,170
Because you took
the first step.
426
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,879
Yeah, I... yes, I did.
427
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:22,682
Well, all right.
Well, good for me.
428
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,151
And you'll get 'em next time.
429
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:26,186
Unless... Wait a second.
430
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,021
Is there such a thing
as vagina triplets?
431
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:30,023
Oh! I wish.
432
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:33,126
Oh, boy.
433
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,028
WOMAN:
Before the medal ceremony,
434
00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,696
how about a round of applause
435
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:38,231
for all of our gymnasts?
436
00:16:38,265 --> 00:16:40,400
(applause and cheering)
437
00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:43,370
Yay!
438
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,038
WOMAN:
Our first set
439
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:46,706
of medals today go
440
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,575
to those gymnasts...
I'm not gonna win.
441
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:51,211
You don't know that, honey.
Yeah, I think we do.
442
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,012
Don't listen to your father.
Your scores were excellent.
443
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:55,248
They should
have been better.
Russ!
444
00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:57,817
...and balance checks.
445
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:01,154
And the bronze medal
for beam goes to...
446
00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:03,090
Maya Bowman.
447
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:05,225
No way!
(gasps) Oh, my God!
448
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:06,426
(applause and cheering)
449
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,328
LINA:
We medaled! We medaled!
450
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,263
We medaled!
WOMAN:
Congratulations.
451
00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:11,598
Thank you.
452
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,500
(applause and cheering)
453
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,535
(Russ whoops)
454
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:18,738
WOMAN: The silver
medal for beam goes to
455
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,707
Caitlyn Silver.
456
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:23,910
(applause and cheering)
457
00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:25,912
Hey. Hey...
Oh.
458
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:27,514
I... I heard
about what Russ did,
459
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:29,116
and-and, you know, I just...
460
00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:30,550
Are you kidding me?
461
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,419
I want to apologize for him.
462
00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:34,053
He feels terrible.
463
00:17:34,087 --> 00:17:36,089
I... I don't want to do this.
No, no.
464
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:39,692
I get it, okay?
I get it.
465
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:41,561
He made you feel
like a piece of shit.
466
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,130
Like a worthless
piece of shit.
467
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,465
I never felt like that.
No.
468
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:48,468
Of course not,
but... if you did
469
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:51,704
and I had anything to do
with it, I just wanted to say...
470
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:54,274
Jesus, so now I have
to make you feel better, too?
471
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:56,476
No! I feel fine.
472
00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:59,179
We didn't...
We just wanted to...
473
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,149
I'm sorry.
Okay.
474
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:05,118
Before you send your girls
out here to talk to me,
475
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:07,754
I just want to tell you,
I'm fine.
476
00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:10,990
It's ancient history.
Exactly.
477
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:13,326
I just wish
I hadn't lost those clients
478
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,961
because of all the drama.
479
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,263
I'm so sorry.
480
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:18,331
What kind of clients?
481
00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:21,968
Uh, I sell
designer jewelry.
482
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:24,171
Designer jewelry.
483
00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:26,673
I love this.
It's so sparkly.
484
00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:28,508
Pretty.
KRISTI:
Well, don't be shy.
485
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:30,310
You can try on
anything you like.
486
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,579
ELLA:
Hey, I love this.
Here's the price sheet.
487
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,347
Oh.
488
00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,249
ELLA:
Hand me those rings.
489
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:41,321
Hey, is there any, uh,
friends and family discount?
490
00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:44,357
You know,
just 'cause of our...
491
00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:46,659
connection?
492
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:52,565
Okay, maybe... maybe
one small thing each, guys?
493
00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:02,141
LINA: I really love
my new guilt bracelet.
494
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:05,612
(scoffs)
Do you have any exes
who design shoes?
495
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:09,148
Would have been so much cheaper
had I just listened to you.
496
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:11,218
You were in rare form
this weekend.
497
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:14,187
I just saw her,
and it took me back
498
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:16,723
to being 25, you know?
499
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:19,058
So many girls were
hot for me then.
500
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:20,393
Like millions.
501
00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:22,195
And you treated 'em like shit.
502
00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:23,796
(laughs)
503
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,198
I was so good at it.
504
00:19:25,232 --> 00:19:26,999
(both laughing)
505
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:29,068
So do you ever think
about what it would be like
506
00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:31,738
if you would've married
Kristi instead of me?
507
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:34,274
No.
508
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:38,411
Although I do think about
what it would be like
509
00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:41,214
if you had the
flexibility of a gymnast.
510
00:19:41,248 --> 00:19:44,251
I get it. So Maya's gonna be
really good at sex.
511
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,185
Okay. (clears throat)
Don't ever do that.
512
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,388
Ever.
513
00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:52,392
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
514
00:20:28,295 --> 00:20:30,096
Determination,
515
00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:31,698
tenacity,
516
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,466
endurance...
517
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,067
may produce champions,
518
00:20:35,101 --> 00:20:37,904
but legends
really come to life...
519
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,472
when they get hard.
520
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:44,411
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
521
00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:47,246
Only on FXX.
522
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:52,819
[ Water Dripping ]
523
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,592
[ Clears Throat ]
524
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:11,103
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
525
00:21:19,712 --> 00:21:22,148
[ Engines Idling ]
526
00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:32,725
Well, back on the clock.
527
00:21:34,894 --> 00:21:36,463
Yeah, okay.
528
00:21:50,543 --> 00:21:52,679
(no audible dialogue)
529
00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:02,455
The Bastard Executioner.
530
00:22:02,489 --> 00:22:05,324
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
531
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(electricity crackling)
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[ Growling ]
35405
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