Original subtitles

The League. All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.

Only on FXX.

FX presents Married.

(dishes and silverware clinking)

(humming)

RUSS: Hey.

How was your day? (growls)

What's her problem?

Friend drama.

Again?

Come on. Cheer up.

You and Harper will work things out.

I don't want to work things out.

Well, that's okay, too.

You know? Friends come and go.

Yeah, you'll have lots of friends in your life.

You'll have school friends and sports friends.

Mm-hmm. College friends.

And imaginary friends.

LINA: Then you'll grow up,

get married, have kids and have no friends.

Well, you'll have one friend.

Who?

Mommy's right.

No friends.

So what are we celebrating?

Ooh, something really big.

Go ahead, tell them.

You guys aren't getting...?

Oh, no, it's not that big.

I'm writing a children's book.

About...

Addiction.

Uh, write what you know, I guess. Right?

AJ: Exactly.

It's called Farmer Todd Has a Problem:

Helping Children Understand the Disease of Addiction.

Oh.

So you're writing a book to justify your implosion?

I wouldn't put it that way, but... yes.

Well, congratulations.

AJ: Hey, yeah. Cheers.

So how's it going with you guys?

Oh, AJ and I are just hanging out.

I can't get into anything serious right now.

Because of your ex?

Oh...

Ugh, he really did a number on you, huh?

Well, you know, at least we're good exes.

Good exes pay child support.

Sorry.

Did I overstep? It's fine.

He's actually squaring up.

He just closed a big deal.

Really?

Yeah, so, uh, no more apartments.

I'm looking at houses.

There's actually one in Van Nuys that I'm crazy about.

Do you want me to come look at it with you?

So you can tell me what to do?

Do I do that?

I guess I do that.

Mmm.

AJ: Hey, uh, would you ever consider

coming to my weekly meeting?

Um... A.A.?

I always tell stories

about what a great friend you've been,

and everyone's always like, "Oh, I wish I had a Russ."

Oh...

Thanks, man. That's awesome.

You're awesome.

Yeah. I mean, I would...

I would totally, you know, love to check it out.

It's just, uh, I'm so busy with work, you know?

Yeah, well, if you don't have time, you don't have time.

But if you do...

...it would be really great to, you know...

AJ: Well, here we are.

This is it. Huh?

I'll see you in a sec. Okay.

I'm so happy you're here.

Hey. Oh, hey.

Hey, is this your first meeting?

Yeah. Huh.

You?

Oh, I've been... 18, 19 times.

Really?

Yeah, I started coming out to support AJ,

but, uh, now I'm hooked on the stories.

Cindy loves to get all the juicy details.

Our new fetish? Rock bottom.

MAN: That was real nice, Kyle.

Anybody else want to share?

(sighs)

Hi. I'm AJ, and I'm an alcoholic.

OTHERS: Hi, AJ.

AJ: A couple years ago, my marriage

started to fall apart.

I hurt a lot of people.

Friends, family... my daughter.

How many of you know what it's like

to break a child's heart?

I know, I know.

And how many of you wish there was a children's book

that could help all that pain just go away?

Well, uh...

What was your name, sir?

Uh, Myron.

Well, Myron,

help is on the way.

Farmer Todd, his farm is thriving,

but he's out of control.

He's drinking too much milk, he's smoking hay,

he's snorting cornmeal...

Rock bottom?

Until, one day, the pigs, the cows, the geese,

they surprise Farmer Todd in his barn, and they force him

to face his truth.

That shit is real.

But it's also cute. Ah.

Real... cute. That's our brand.

My nephews could've used a book like that when I got back

from the Philippines.

Lincoln was a merchant marine.

You're always a merchant marine.

AJ: More importantly than that,

he is six years sober and he has helped me a lot.

Hope you guys are proud of your friend.

Oh, they are. That's why they're helping me with the book.

Huh?

LINCOLN: God has got a big smile

on his face right now. Good luck, fellas.

Thanks, Lincoln.

Thank you, sir.

(sighs)

Wait.

We're helping you with the book?

AJ: Yeah.

I'm writing it, Bernie's printing it,

you're my illustrator.

Uh, it's just... this is not a good time

for me to be taking on... more.

I thought that you believed in the idea.

I-I do.

Were you just blowing smoke up my ass?

No. I... I do.

I... Yeah, I really like the idea.

How cool is this?

That we're doing a book together, huh?

I'm gonna get some more cookies.

Super cool.

Oh, why the hell did I agree to this?

Hey, do chickens fly?

I think they fly. LINA: I don't know.

Ask one of your daughters.

(phone chimes)

AJ again?

Yeah. He's texted, like, 20 times in the last 15 minutes.

About the book?

He's obsessed.

For now.

And then, in three weeks,

he will be obsessed with something else.

You should tell him that...

that...

Never mind.

RUSS: What just happened?

Nothing.

You were about to tell me what to do,

and then you just stopped. Yeah.

I'm working on that.

Why?

I hear that some people

might not like it.

What?

But you're so good at it.

I know.

GIL: I sent you some links

for inspiration last night.

Did you get the links? Yeah, I did.

I-I guess I just thought...

Did he look at the links?

Uh...

I looked at the links.

Did you look at the links

that I sent you? Yes.

I looked at the links. I just...

Um... excuse me one second.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Hey, guys. Hey.

You remember Lincoln.

Yeah.

We were just, uh, checking to see

how things were coming with Farmer Todd.

I haven't really had a chance, 'cause I've been working.

Here. At my office.

Dude, we got to get moving on this

before somebody else comes out with a competing project.

LINCOLN: It's only a matter of time.

It's in the ether.

Yeah... Can we get back to it?

Yes. Absolutely.

Um, guys, we're kind of

in the middle of something. Well, this won't take long.

AJ, this is Gil, my boss.

Who really needs

to talk to me right now.

He's your boss?

Yes.

He is.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Whiz kid. I like it.

When you're done socializing.

Goddamn millennial.

(dog barking)

I think you guys are going to love this place.

"Guys"?

Oh, yeah, my ex is gonna come

check it out, just give it the once-over.

Oh.

What?

Did you look at his place before he moved in?

Lina...

I'll shut up.

(lock beeps)

Hey, sweetie.

Hi. How are you?

I'm good. You smell so good.

Oh. (giggles) Thanks.

You must be the beautiful and brilliant Lina.

Wow.

Hi. Jacob.

Well, I came all the way over the hill

at rush hour, so...

Here it is.

All right.

AJ: Page seven,

tractor's turned over.

Farmer Todd's passed out.

Empty milk cartons everywhere.

The little lamb sobs. Yeah, this is all good.

But if we're going to work on this together,

it's gotta be on my schedule.

I know you're in the shit.

That's why I brought Lincoln.

I don't... What?

AJ: You said you were looking

for an intern. Yeah.

Looking for an intern with a design background.

Which Lincoln has.

I thought you said he was a merchant marine.

When there are no women around, you draw them.

Okay. You need to go.

What about Farmer Todd?

I don't know.

I can't deal with this right now. I'm working.

True or false? You are always talking

about how unsatisfying your job is.

Can you not yell that?

(whispering): True or false?

You are ready to reinvent yourself

as a children's book illustrator.

I don't know. Maybe.

In theory, I guess.

Farmer Todd is not a theory.

He is as real as you or me.

Is he?

What does that mean? You've just...

you've started a lot of projects lately.

I knew it.

It's fine.

Well, my ex-wife stopped believing in me.

My ex-partner stopped believing in me. Oh, my God.

I'm used to it. You know, Lincoln says

that I should let go of all

the negative influences in my life.

Maybe he was talking about you.

Maybe he was.

I wasn't. AJ: Yeah, you were.

You just didn't know it yet.

You need to get out of here.

Oh, I can take a hint. Not a hint.

LINCOLN: About that internship...

I'm proficient in WordPerfect.

Um... sorry I can't

fix your toaster.

Broken.

The toaster was never broken!

ABBY: There's a little nook off the living room.

Think I'm gonna bring my loom out of storage.

That a girl. Mm-hmm.

And, um...

it's the kitchen.

It's a little small, but... It's so cute.

I know.

Yeah, this is beautiful.

I think you've outdone yourself, Abby.

Thank you.

Uh-oh. Bars on the window.

Probably need that in this hood.

The "hood"?

Look at this, right?

JACOB: Ooh, no bueno.

Oh, yeah, the, uh, landlord has a mold guy

coming by next week to check that out.

Landlord's always got a mold guy, right, Lina?

That's disappointing.

This looks like it could be lead paint.

Do you know a lot about lead paint?

Do you?

ABBY: Mmm.

Do you guys want to check out the garage?

Gross.

You see those weird hooks?

What about them?

(inhales sharply)

Sex hammock?

Excuse me?

Was there a sex hammock up there?

Those are bicycle hooks.

Oh, maybe you're right.

But can we afford to be wrong?

We're not wrong.

That's... It's a garage.

And those are clearly bicycle hooks.

Yeah, what-what exactly

are you talking about?

What if this is some kind of,

you know, weird pleasure zone

or something?

Oh, like a dungeon. Yeah.

That's right, Abby. Like one of those...

like a... Abby's got a good point.

Do want dungeon folk coming by here

at all hours looking to get their rocks off?

They're bicycle hooks!

That's, like, a Dateline thing we're talking about, right?

Abby!

Before you sign anything,

why don't you and I go get some coffee

and we'll talk about the pros and the cons?

What cons?

MIRANDA: I think that this one really works.

I think we should scale down the logo just a little bit,

make it a little bit more easy to read.

I think it's really hard to read at this point...

I can't believe I just got AJ'd again.

How did that happen, you know?

He ambushes me at my office,

and I'm the one that's feeling guilty about it.

You guys are like an old married couple.

Well, I wouldn't... Oh.

Great. Perfect.

Look, Lincoln... we're not taking any more interns.

I-I don't know what else to tell you.

Well, it's cool, man.

AJ asked me to drop this off.

Okay.

MIRANDA: What is this?

I don't know. It's all legalese.

Oh, he's suing you.

What? (scoffs)

Wait, there's something about me

relinquishing all my rights to Farmer Todd. (laughs)

What a drama queen.

He has way too much time on his hands.

Oh, and a clause that is the official

dissolution of our friendship.

Oh, my God.

He's divorcing you.

Got the papers.

And?

Ready to sign. Great.

Should we find a notary?

I am a notary-- you'd know that if you were a real friend.

ABBY: So, Chase's, uh, belt test for Lions

is this Sunday at 4:00.

I'll be there.

All right, enough with the karate.

Are we gonna sign this lease or what?

Uh, this is kind of a family matter.

Yeah, but you guys aren't really...

family.

Actually, we are.

Mother of my child.

Lina, can you give us a minute?

But, Abby, you were... Please?

Okay.

I'll be right outside if you need me.

(clears throat)

This right here removes me as your emergency contact.

What?

Doctor's office, yoga, scuba.

Okay, you were never my emergency contact.

Well, you were mine.

(scoffs) The fact that you can make yourself

the victim here is so pathetic.

I'm not making myself the victim.

I'm just saying that we both disappointed each other.

Okay, how? How did I disappoint you?

You never thanked me for your birthday present.

What birthday present?

The night at Malibu Inn that I got for you and Lina.

I never thanked you

because you never actually gave it to us.

I-I never actually got it because...

when I brought it up to you,

you didn't seem all that interested.

You don't thank someone for a gift

that they haven't received.

Whatever, I don't know all your rules.

Man, you were supposed to be my red hen.

I don't know what you're talking about.

From Farmer Todd.

The red hen who gets everybody together

and helps Todd save the farm.

Well, hens are female.

So...

It doesn't matter.

Now I have to write a whole different ending,

because that bitch hen

went to a different farm

and abandoned Farmer Todd just like everyone else!

Can you blame her?!

Or, I mean him!

Whatever it is! Oh.

Congratulations!

You killed Farmer Todd! Good.

I'm glad he's dead.

He was an asshole!

Good-bye forever.

Who's got the Geo?

I'm blocked in.

Lincoln, buddy, we need your keys.

Oh, no.

Oh, God. Lincoln.

Lincoln?

Aw, Lincoln.

I thought you said he was six years sober.

He really wanted that internship.

You got to be kidding.

So this is now my fault?

Maybe.

I'll just move his car myself.

(Lincoln groaning)

Oh, my God. Lincoln, no! Stop it!

Get off of him.

Lincoln, get off of him! Aah! Stop it!

Get off! Lincoln, Lincoln, stop it.

Stop it, Lincoln!

(yelling over each other)

(gasping for air)

(Russ shouting, grunts)

What the hell, Lincoln?!

Lincoln, are you okay?

Is Lincoln okay?!

JACOB: Well, thanks for the coffee.

Of course. You'll get me next time.

(chuckles)

Nice to finally meet you.

So, he didn't want to say this in front of you,

but, um, his deal fell through,

and so he's just really hurting right now.

He's hurting? Mm-hmm.

It's okay, you know.

Chase and I can stay in the apartment.

Abby... (sighs)

he's playing you.

I know.

Look, if you don't want to be friends with me,

I totally get it.

What?

I just know it's hard to be friends

with someone you can't respect.

Well, it's also hard to be friends with someone

who can't keep their mouth shut.

(quiet laugh)

Little bit.

(chuckles)

(engine starts)

I mean, that is a really nice car

for someone who's hurting.

Yeah, he says he's keeping it for business.

You know, to keep up appearances.

And his girlfriend's new boobs--

are those for business, too?

I don't know. Maybe Jacob and I

need to have another talk.

Maybe the time for talk is over.

You think so?

LINA: I do. ABBY: Okay.

(tires screech) LINA: Oh, my God!

Are you insane?!

LINA: Abby, what the hell?

JACOB: You crazy bitch!

You said the time for talk is over, right?

I meant that you should take him back to court! Now what am I gonna do?!

Lina, did you make her do this? Oh, it's real funny, isn't it?

I could do that, too, I think. I'm not gonna pay for this!

All right, man.

What happened, huh?

Your friend there tried to...

have his way with me. RUSS: Come on, man.

I was looking for your keys.

I think you were looking for something else.

He went deep.

Uh, actually,

Lincoln, I think that he was looking for your keys.

He wanted to move your car so he could leave.

We've been fighting lately, and truth be told, we've been...

(chuckles)

...talking about having our friendship annulled.

The disease turns us all into little boys.

The disease, man, huh? Oh, my God.

Would you stop blaming the disease

and just admit that you're an asshole?

(chuckles)

Okay.

I admit it-- maybe, maybe I am.

But ever since you got this

fancy new job, you've been pretty shitty yourself.

'Cause the job sucks, okay?

What do you want me to do?

I need to make money.

I need to spend time with my family.

That's okay.

Uh, work, family.

As long as I'm third.

Well, there's the dog.

Okay, fourth.

And my grill.

That's a nice grill.

All right, top 12, and that's my final offer.

Deal.

Hey.

What kind of grill?

What?

It was...

We're just sort of busting each other's balls.

We weren't really talking about... Yeah, there's no...

Grill's not more important than me. You guys.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

You have to pick up Maya.

I have Frankie and Ella at soccer until 3:00. You know what?

I think you need to make some time to take care of us.

I don't have time.

All I have is 15 minutes between Ella getting her braces off and Maya's gym.

That's fine. That's why we have the minivan.

Ugh! Captain's chairs.

Don't.

Married. All new, Thursdays at 10:30.

Only on FX.

Ugh!

[ Crowd Cheering ] You know, I grew up in a town,

a town where a little boy could have big dreams.

Not a town where the Jets go for two...

when my kicker needs one freakin' point,

so, for once in my life, I'm not left festering in misery, please!

The League. All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.

Only on FXX.

You're the Worst. All new, Wednesday at 10:30.

On FXX.

[ Man ] The battle has begun.

An evil is spreading.

[ Sirens Wailing ]

We must fight-- all of us.

Fight to save our civilization.

Fight or die. [ Growling ]

[ Announcer ] The Strain.

All-new. Sundays at 10:00 on FX.

The Bastard Executioner.

All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

[ Dings ]

* [ Funk Intro ]

[ Man ] * I been in the right place

* But it must have been the wrong time *

* And I'd have said the right thing *

* But I must have used the wrong line *