All language subtitles for Married (2014) S02E10 1997

* [ Up-tempo Dance ]

You're the Worst.

An all-new season premieres
Wednesday, September 9, on FXX.

FX presents Married.

MAYA:
Is it ready?

Uh, I think so,

but we have to test it.

Okay, it's a little hot.
Take a strand.

And throw it against the
wall and if it sticks,

then it's ready.
ELLA: I want to test it!

Yeah, go for it.
BOTH:
Me, too.

All right, grab one piece.

You can do it.

Yeah!
LINA: Hey!

Hey. Whoa.
Hey! Hey!

Guys. Guys!

Daddy's showing us
how to test spaghetti.

Really? Well, there's

another way to test it--
you can eat it.

Yeah.
Why is Daddy so fun?

Yeah, why? Why?

I can be fun.
Well...

You don't need to be fun.

You're reliable.
Great.

(laughing)
I'm reliable.

LINA:
"Reliable."

That's the worst thing
to be called.

That's worse than the "C" word.

I would rather be
called the "C" word.

Consistent?
You're hilarious.

I am hilarious--
ask the kids.

LINA: Of course they think
you're the fun one.

They didn't ruin you.

Kids only destroy their mothers.

Emotionally or vaginally?

Both.

AJ: Speaking of
destroying vaginas...

Uh... tomorrow's
a big day for us.

Yeah, we have let

our passion marinate
for quite long enough,

and now it's time
to fire up the grill!

He's talking about sex.

Yeah, we-we got it.

I got us a suite
at Shutters.

We are going to have
a sex-friendly dinner.

Mm-hmm.
No entrees, no roughage.

No chili dogs,
no goulash.

And then...
uh, showtime!

(both laughing)

Showtime.

Well, we wish you the best.

To great sex.

Yeah, you deserve it.

All right.
You guys should meet us

for brunch on Sunday;
we'll be famished.

Yeah.
Chili dogs on us.

No, we can't.
We're gonna be up at Beekman.

We're going back
to college.

Yeah, my old professor
wants me to talk to his class.

Huh.

Yeah, I'm actually thinking
of bailing on it.

Like, what do I say
to a bunch of students?

We're not bailing.
We're going.

And we're gonna party
like it's 1997.

ABBY:
What's 1997?

That's when I used
to be fun.

Oh.

Look, I still have
my rape whistle from college.

Aw, that's cute.
(whistle blows)

You still think
you're rape-able.

(chuckles)

Ow!

Ooh, you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

College, right?

Hey, do you want
to get a drink?

Do we have time?

I probably should
go over my notes.

Why are you so nervous?

'Cause I don't...

I mean, what if the kids
think I'm, like, a sellout?

Why would they think that?

Because, look--
I look like "The Man."

That's cute that you think
you look like a man.

Touché.

(groans)
Should we get out of here?

Babe, no.

This is a big deal.

You're a working designer.

You're speaking at our college.

This means you're successful.

It does?

They're not asking
me to speak here.

What would I say?

"Here's how you get pregnant."

(groans)
All right.

This is it.

So, maybe we meet up later?

You don't want
me to watch?

I'll laugh at
all your jokes.

No, I got to be, like,
all business in there.

I can't be Business Russ
if you're sitting there.

Are you sure?
Yes.

I will meet you at the
Kettle Room afterwards, okay?

We'll party like it's 1997.

What am I gonna do
for the next two hours?

You'll figure
something out.

(sighs)

So, next to the student store
is the Polk Building,

which actually has a very
interesting history...

It started out
as a gold exchange,

where prospectors sold
their gold during the rush.

(chuckles)
That's right.

Sorry, I used to be
a tour guide here.

When I went here, a while ago.

I was a business major.

Not that I ever use that degree.
(laughs)

Um, up ahead is...
I'm a mom.

And I have a job.
I'm a teacher.

Well, teaching assistant
they call it.

Cool story.

Um, so up ahead is
Dornan Hall, which is...

Oh, home of the
rooftop garden.

I'm sorry, I don't know anything
about a rooftop garden,

but maybe, uh, that was...

You don't know about
the rooftop garden?

No.

What kind of tour is this?

It's the tour
that I'm giving.

Uh, so up to the left...

AJ: I'm gonna get you.
You can't match me.

(laughs)
Here we go!

Where are you?

(gasps)
There's the bad guy plane!

See... I-I got you!
I got you! Oh, no, no.

AJ?
Yeah?

Can I talk to you
for a sec?

Oh, okay, yeah.
I'll be right back.

Don't kill me.

What's wrong?

The sitter canceled.

That's terrible.

Who's your backup?

I don't have one.

Um, can we just get
the hotel another night?

Wait, wait,
wait, wait. No.

Tonight's the night.
CHASE: AJ!

Mm-hmm.
I know, I'm so sorry.
(Chase shouting)

I was really
looking forward to it, too.

You don't understand.

The genie is out of the bottle.

He can't get back inside
until he satisfies his master.

So... am I the master?

Whatever.
We can take turns.

Okay, uh, maybe
after Chase goes to bed?

(sighs)

AJ: Hey, Chase,
you feeling tired?

Yeah, let's put him
to bed.

Let's put him to sleep.

You got any Benadryl?

Are you serious?

(chuckles)
No.

No, I'm joking.

You got some melatonin
though or...?

Back at the Kettle!

I take it Business
Russ was a hit?

I mean, all the kids loved me,
and they all wanted internships.

They loved you
or they wanted internships?

The important thing
is Donny,

my new intern,
said that he could totally

hook us up with 'shrooms.

Oh, cool.

Come on, I thought
you'd be more excited.

1997?

No, I'm super excited.

It's just that, um...

Do you remember the garden

on top of Dornan Hall?

Uh...

Where we had our first kiss?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.

They closed it.
Yeah.

It's faculty housing now--
isn't that sad?

That is sad.
I know.

'Shrooms?

'Shrooms.

Oh, yeah.

(chuckles)

Man, I crushed a lot
of girls' dreams here.

Whoa.
Mm-hmm.

I don't remember
it that way.

ABBY:
"The kitty had cheese,

"but no grill. She's like,
'What am I going to do?

This cheese won't...'"

AJ: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
How's it going?

Great.

(laughs):
I can see that.

All right, well, let me try.

I have the kind of voice
that can

make people do whatever I say.

Okay.

Try to get some sleep.

All right, now you
go in the bedroom

and you get started
without me.

Hmm? Okay.

See? See what
I just did?

You got me.

(chuckles)

Oh, boy, Chase.

All right, what
do we got here?

We got some books.

Oh, boy, this is
one of my favorites.

So, if we take
the 'shrooms by 10:00,

then when
will they wear off?

Hopefully never.

Well, which one of us is
gonna drive to soccer tomorrow?

Aw, are you being
Miss Reliable?

That's me.
(chuckles)

What?

I just want to pop up to
the roof garden really quick.

What?

I thought you said
this was faculty housing now.

(sighs)

Maybe someone
will buzz us in.

Oh, Professor Holt's still here.

(line rings)

HOLT:
Hello?

Hi, um...

this is a little
out of the blue,

but, um,
I'm Lina Bow... Weston.

I, uh... who-who?

I posed for you.

(door buzzes)

You posed?
No.

Lina Weston did.

In the raw.

Naked?

Tits to the wind.

How did I not
know this?

There's a lot
you don't know about me.

I have layers.

(chuckles)
Sorry.

"Layers"?

I had a whole life
before you.

Uh, we were 20
when we met.

I wouldn't say you
had a whole life.

I had some of a life.

(groans)

Why does it have to be locked?

Are you sure there's
a garden up there?

Yes.

It's where we had
our first kiss.

I know that.

Maybe Donald has
roof access.

Wait. "Donald"?

The Professor.

Why do you call
him Donald?

I call a lot
of people Donald.

Okay.

(upbeat music playing inside)

Sounds like a party.

What should we do?

What would
Lina Weston do?

I do not think we'll
find the 'shrooms here.

Don't worry,
you'll get your 'shrooms.

We need to get to the roof.

Wow.

Hello, ladies.

Hey.

Is that you?

She's Polynesian.

Yeah, well, you said you had
a whole life before me.

So maybe that's what you
looked like before we met.

I'm just kidding.

You're right there, see?
Yeah.

That's a dude.

Well, you said you had layers.

Maybe one of those layers
was a huge wiener.

Seriously though,
where am I?

I was full-frontal
and my foot was on the sink.

Who are you?

All right.

That is your last book.

Can you make up a story?

If I make up a story,
you promise you'll go to sleep?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, I got a good one.

(chuckles softly)

It's about a farmer.

Farmer...

Todd.

And he lived
on a farm.

And he was happy.

And he liked to drink
milk, in moderation.

Until Farmer Todd's wife

decided to leave the farm

in the tractor that he had
given her for her birthday.

And then she used
that tractor

to help plow another
farmer's field.

(chuckles softly)

And Farmer Todd
was alone.

Then what happened?

Well, Farmer Todd made himself
feel way better

with a tall glass of milk.

And then another
and then another.

Pretty soon, he was drinking
four or five before lunch.

Why did he drink
so much glasses of milk?

Because he was going through
a very thirsty time.

Farmer Todd didn't realize it
yet, but he had a problem.

A big problem.

What was
the big problem?

Well, his problem was

he had something called
a God-sized hole

that he couldn't fill,

no matter how many things
he put into it.

It's a hole
on the inside of you,

in your soul,
and it never fills up,

no matter how much milk
you pour in.

*

LINA:
Did you find me yet?

That depends.
Were you ever an amputee?

(sighs)
I don't get it.

I checked every wall.

Honey...
But...

It's okay if you dreamed
this whole thing.

I didn't dream it up.

I was a nude model in real life.

Look, no one wants to see
you naked more than I do.

Okay?
Then let's go upstairs
and keep looking.

(whispers):
Come on.

Whoa.

All right, I got to
be here somewhere.

I want to paint naked co-eds.

How do I become a professor?

I mean, he must
have a picture

of every student's
vagina but mine.

How come I didn't make the cut?

I wonder what her major was.

Also, check this out.

"Hi."
"Hi."

"Want to sixty-nine?"
"Uh-huh."

Sixty-nine.

(both laugh, door opens)

LINA:
Professor Holt.

What are you doing here?
RUSS: Uh...

Art appreciation?

(chuckles)

How you doing?
Good to...

So, uh, you posed for me, yeah?

Yeah.
Usually, I remember.

Lina, Lina, Lina.

You were a photography student,
correct?

LINA:
No.

Uh, mixed media?

Nope.

I was a business major.

Class of '97.

I took your
sculpting class.

Of course, right,
I remember now.

I'm so sorry.
You were an Army brat, right?

You grew up in Germany,
you like to play volleyball,

got that beautiful,
beautiful singing voice.

No?

Well, I...
sometimes I, uh...

Ah, just a second.

Just a second.

Ah.

I think this...
No, no.

Sorry about that,
I'm wrong again.

This is Marcie.
She was fantastic.

She's a heart surgeon now
in Dallas.

Uh, that one over there,
that's Tania.

She's got her own
cooking show in Houston.

And last week, we got a postcard

from Juliette over there.

She's assistant editor
of Paris Vogue.

So, uh, what do you do now,
Lina?

Well, we live in...

Wine country.

We... have a bed
and breakfast there.

That...
(clears throat)

...we restored ourselves.

And we grow
our own grapes.

Oh, lovely.
You guys have kids?

No. No.

We did not.

We... we, um...

He couldn't,
so we didn't do that.

Right.

LINA: But we have
other stuff.

We have Harleys.
That's right.

We have two Harleys.

Yeah.
Actually, three.
(groans)

Yeah.
I always forget
about the little one.

The third was an accident.

(Lina laughs)
It's a smaller bike.

LINA:
You know, when you ride

without a helmet,

anything can happen.
Yeah, right.

Well, l-let me see

if I can't find
your nude somewhere.

Yeah, let's find her.

She told Farmer Todd
she was 18,

but it's hard to tell
how old a chicken is,

especially when
she's Puerto Rican.

So, milk isn't enough anymore.

Farmer Todd is now snorting
corn meal.

He can't think straight.

He keeps thinking the pigs,

who are supposed
to be his friends,

are plotting against him.

Well, guess what happens

when he breaks
into the pig pen?

He finds 60 grand... in hay.

Now who's...

paranoid?

HOLT:
Well, I'm sorry to say

I can't imagine where your
painting could've got to.

We did lose a couple
in the fire.

Man, I picked
the wrong career.

Did you, uh, attend
school here also?

I don't know.

Did I?
Yes.

We actually met here

and had our first kiss...

in the garden on the roof.

Well, that must've been
before the jumpers.

LINA:
Jumpers?

Suicide Garden.

Wait. Suicide Garden?

That's what they call it?

Well, not
officially, no.

Um...
Well, how do we get up there?

Well, you can't.

I mean, it's
off-limits now,

because... you know, because...

(whistles,
imitates explosion)

But...

aren't you the one that taught
me to challenge authority?

Well, yeah, possibly.
To be honest with you,

I can't quite
place your face still.

Okay, I get it.

Um, why don't we, um...

you know, go up there anyway?

How about carpe diem?

I mean, come on, like...
it's a beautiful garden

and now no one
can even enjoy it,

even if you don't
want to kill yourself?

It's not a party until you break
a couple of rules, right?

Yeah!
Here we go.

(sighs)

Well, that is a great kid
you have there...

lying right
next to you.

He was worried
about Farmer Todd.

Is Farmer Todd
gonna be okay?

Oh, buddy.

Don't worry.

Farmer Todd's gonna
come out on top.

But not tonight.

No.

Good night, guys.

You're really right, Lori;
it is kind of beautiful up here.

It's Lina.

Right. Sorry.

Listen, let me ask you:
have you ever modeled?

You have an extraordinary look.

It's really powerful.

Oh, wait.

This is where
we had our first kiss.

That's what I've been saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's all coming back to me now.

(laughs):
Finally.

We were watching your roommate
puke on the quad, right?

Yeah.

Right here,
and that is when you thought

it would be the perfect time
to make your move.

Yeah.

Lina Weston, pretty cool.

(laughs)

Too bad she's dead now.

She's not dead.
Now she's just

someone's wife, someone's mom,

someone's pet owner.

Come on.

Nobody's cool forever.

Right?

We can be cool tonight.

I could still be cool.

Right?
Yeah.

What are you doing?

Be careful.
(laughs)

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Reliable.

Is this making you
uncomfortable?

Lina, honestly, be careful.
Is this...

Is it making you uncomfortable?
Please don't do that.

Who's responsible now, Dad?

Lina...

(whoops)
Go, Purple!

Class of '97!
(siren whoops)

RUSS:
Lina...
Do not jump!

It's okay.

Oh, shit.

OFFICER:
Stay where you are!

Is that a real cop?

Campus security.

Oh.
Sorry!

Sorry!

I promise, I am not depressed.

I...
Are you sure?

I got the number
of a counselor

if you need
someone to talk to.

No. Seriously, I'm fine.

Yeah, we were just
goofing around.

Well, in the future,

you might want to be
a little more responsible.

Okay.
Have a good night.

You, too.

What are you
smiling about?

I got busted
by campus security.

Nothing reliable
about that.

(laughs)

I'm framing this.

Another chili dog?

Sir?

Let me ask you a question.

Would you ever buy

a children's book
about addiction?

Um, I guess.

Yeah.

Chili dogs for everyone!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

[ Both Exhale ]

That was--
Yeah, I know, right?

Who were you
thinking about?
Oh, God, baby.

Matt Damon.
Ah.

I was thinking
about that woman
who does carpool.

With the forehead.
Oh, God.

Stop talking.

Just stop talking.

Married. All new,
Thursdays at 10:30.

Only on FX.

[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Applause ]

I would like to dedicate
this induction to my
number one draft pick,

year in and year out.

Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.,

who, like me,

has spontaneous
and amazing facial hair...

and the support
of a superhot wife.

Love you, Sofia.

Love you, Gisele.

The League.
All-new, Wednesdays at 10.

Only on FXX.

[ Clears Throat ]

You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--

(metal ringing)

The Bastard Executioner.

All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

[ Dings ]

[ Ticking ]

[ Bird Calling ]

[ Siren Wailing ]

[ Bell Dinging ]