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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,404
[ Man ]
What's more important--
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00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:05,939
being a successful rock star
or a successful father?
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,010
Dad!
Father.
4
00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:11,979
I was just about
to say "Father."
5
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,914
[ Announcer ]
Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll.
6
00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:15,716
All new, Thursdays at 10:00.
On FX.
7
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,854
FX presents Married.
8
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,526
I want a real babysitter.
9
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:27,228
You don't need
a babysitter anymore.
10
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:30,064
Your sister's old enough
to start watching you.
11
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:31,832
Babysitters are fun.
12
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,701
Babysitters
are expensive.
13
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:35,703
And I can pay
your sister half.
14
00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:37,105
Can I get paid, too?
15
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,439
For what?
16
00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:39,540
For being great.
17
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,542
How about if Ella says
18
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,944
that you are actually "great,"
I will give you five dollars?
19
00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:45,379
Here's the problem.
20
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,014
Ella lies.
21
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,616
We already know
I'm gonna be great.
22
00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:50,118
I think I should
get the money now.
23
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,785
Will you take a check?
24
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:54,054
Well, let's see
if we can find Mom's checkbook.
25
00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:56,590
(car horn honks)
26
00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:00,027
Can you believe this
is our first night ever
27
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,029
without a babysitter?
I know.
28
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,063
It's a new era.
29
00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:04,132
Think she can handle it?
30
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:06,567
(laughs):
Probably not.
31
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,136
(car horn honks)
LINA: Shit!
32
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:10,971
Baby! Oh, my God!
What the...?!
33
00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:12,773
*
34
00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:17,478
* Sleeps so deep,
but she don't make a sound *
35
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:25,719
* Come up to the house
when no one is around... *
36
00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:28,222
That truck came
out of nowhere.
37
00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:29,990
We almost died.
I know.
38
00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,992
I had to throw
out my underwear.
39
00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:33,661
I feel like we should go home.
40
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:36,096
Hey, will you please
keep it down?
41
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:38,832
My lady friend and I are trying
to enjoy the entertainment.
42
00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:45,773
* Would you untangle
all of the bad I've done? *
43
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,508
What do you think?
Not bad.
44
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:48,942
Yeah, they sound great.
45
00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:50,244
You like working
with them?
46
00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,413
I do. They're young.
47
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,748
So the asshole-to-talent ratio
is still manageable.
48
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,116
(chuckles)
49
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,785
Very cool.
50
00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,954
Uh, so, where is Jess?
51
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:02,823
She's, uh...
52
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:05,092
You know, I forgot which
excuse she used this time.
53
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,460
(chuckles)
Yeah.
54
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,329
Is everything okay?
55
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:10,498
Well, hey, you would
know better than me.
56
00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:13,201
I... I really don't.
57
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:15,002
I don't know anything.
58
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:19,106
Well, that makes two of us.
59
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,508
When that truck almost hit us,
60
00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:22,176
all I could think
about was the girls.
61
00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:23,944
They're alone tonight.
62
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,547
I just keep imagining the cops
walking up to our front door
63
00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:28,349
and telling the girls
they're orphans.
64
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,851
Wait, uh, who's an orphan?
65
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,686
I'm an orphan.
(gasps)
66
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,488
My parents are worthless.
Oh.
67
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,123
LINA: That's not
what an orphan is.
68
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,958
Listen.
I know.
69
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,160
Russ and I don't have wills!
70
00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:42,463
You see, if anything
happens to us,
71
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,732
we don't have a plan
for who gets the girls.
72
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,133
My ex gets Chase.
73
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,569
Roxanne and her husband
get Caitlin.
74
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,070
This is what makes
divorce great--
75
00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:52,139
you're less likely
to die together.
76
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,741
Maybe you and Russ
should just get divorced.
77
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,476
Oh, for the kids.
78
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:58,246
I'm starting to think you guys
are good for each other.
79
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:03,150
Can I come in?
80
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,819
Oh... mm, I don't think
that's such a good idea.
81
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,688
You know, Chase has
karate in the morning,
82
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:10,558
and if he sees you,
he'll just...
83
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:13,093
he'll get confused.
84
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:15,396
I could pretend to be
the exterminator.
85
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:18,098
I'm here about
your mice, ma'am. Hmm?
86
00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:19,900
How do you know about my mice?
87
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:22,069
I know you.
88
00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:25,038
I know... you.
89
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,508
(chuckles)
90
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,277
Let me meet your kid.
91
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:32,179
Um... I don't think so.
92
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,014
I made that mistake before.
93
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:37,718
Introduced him to a few guys
who were bad choices.
94
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,687
You know, I've made
some bad choices.
95
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,021
(laughs)
Me, too.
96
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,723
Every choice I make is bad.
97
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,091
We're perfect for each other.
98
00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:45,359
Oh.
99
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:46,560
Chase, Chase, wake up!
Oh. Shh!
100
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:47,928
It's time to meet
your new daddy.
101
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,730
(laughs):
Oh, God, you're crazy.
102
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:53,267
Hey, I've been
very up front about that.
103
00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:55,736
I like it.
104
00:03:58,506 --> 00:04:00,374
You stay there.
105
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:02,410
Bye.
106
00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:07,281
Kiss Chase for me.
107
00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:10,384
RUSS:
What are you doing?
108
00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,286
I'm working on a spreadsheet.
109
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,288
It's a list of friends
and relatives
110
00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:17,991
that we might want to consider
leaving the kids with if we die.
111
00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:20,961
This column
is my comment section.
112
00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:23,431
"Too bitchy, too crazy,
113
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,599
"too broke, too sleazy,
114
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:27,234
too in jail."
115
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:30,571
Yep, that's everyone we know.
116
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,573
Until we figure this out,
I really don't think
117
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,174
we should travel together.
118
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:36,444
Separate cars, separate planes.
119
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:37,645
Separate yachts?
120
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,279
Everything is separate
121
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,014
until we figure out
who gets the kids.
122
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:43,317
Oh, I have an idea.
Who?
123
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,085
Valerie, Jess's nanny.
124
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,020
What about her?
125
00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:48,522
I trust her more than anybody
126
00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:50,123
that we're actually
friends with.
127
00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:51,592
What's going on with them?
128
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,661
I have-- I have no clue.
129
00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:56,263
I thought Jess
told you everything.
Yeah.
130
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,698
Honestly, I don't want
to know anything anymore.
131
00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:59,767
It makes it too hard with Shep.
132
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,369
I feel like a jackass
when I know
133
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:02,836
something he doesn't.
134
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:05,138
So, Jess isn't so fun anymore?
135
00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:06,407
I don't know.
136
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:10,644
Maybe I'm not so fun anymore.
137
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:13,347
(loud dance music playing)
(crowd clamoring)
138
00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:18,285
Look at all this acid wash!
139
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,653
How did that come back?
140
00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:21,188
Everything comes back.
141
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:24,057
Hey, how much you get paid
for something like this?
142
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:26,326
The real money's in Vegas.
That is next level.
143
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,295
You're next level.
144
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,898
Can you tell my
manager that, please?
145
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,666
I think you have
the wrong manager, babe.
146
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,368
Hey, my set's
about to be over.
147
00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:36,404
Want to get
some breakfast?
148
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,205
Do I want to get some breakfast?
149
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:39,973
What time is it?
150
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:41,409
Oh, shit!
151
00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:42,743
Shit on my life!
152
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,645
I have to take
my kid to day care.
153
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,346
What?
154
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:57,057
So, you stayed out till
6:00 in the morning
155
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,326
so that I could
manage some deejay?
156
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:02,095
No, I got him to agree
to sit down with you,
157
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:03,831
which could really help us.
158
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,165
You know what would help?
159
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,734
Don't set off the burglar alarm
160
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,902
when you come crawling
home at dawn.
161
00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:11,004
You changed the code.
162
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:12,940
Same code.
163
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:16,043
(groans)
Well, I'm allowed to go out.
164
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,711
I'm allowed to shit my pants.
165
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:19,079
Doesn't make it a good decision.
166
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:20,380
(groans)
167
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,916
God...
(mumbling)
168
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:25,085
Are you okay?
169
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,587
I'm fine.
170
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,388
I haven't been sleeping well.
171
00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:30,558
Is that insomnia
or Molly?
172
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,392
(chuckles)
A little bit of both.
173
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:34,127
Mm-hmm.
I got us a new hookup.
174
00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:36,229
Do you remember that deejay
we ran into the other night?
175
00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:38,231
Yeah, the one that you
blew me off for?
176
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:39,600
I was networking!
177
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:40,968
Is that what they
call it now?
178
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,302
Oh, shut up.
179
00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:44,037
This is really big;
it's important.
180
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,873
How would you like
to have your designs
181
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,875
projected at one of his shows?
182
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,242
That's like...
183
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:50,844
What are you talking about?
184
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:53,614
Never mind.
185
00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:55,883
So, how is Lina?
186
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,217
She's good.
187
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,819
She's a little obsessed.
188
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,454
"Obsessed"?
189
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:04,257
Trying to figure out
who gets the kids if we die.
190
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:05,893
Both our families suck.
191
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:08,395
Mmm. Dark.
192
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,631
Well, am I in the mix?
193
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,500
I mean, they should
just go to me.
194
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,134
I'm like family.
195
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,169
Yeah, yeah.
196
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,974
"But, of course, Lina
would never allow that"--
197
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:23,844
is that the second part to
the sentence I should say?
198
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:25,913
(stammers)
199
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,948
You know, the girls
have been asking about you,
200
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:30,618
so why don't you and Shep come
over this weekend for the game?
201
00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:32,119
Yeah, I'd love to.
202
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,487
Is that okay with Lina?
203
00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,288
Stop being so weird.
204
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:36,857
(sighs)
I'm not.
205
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,826
(laughs):
I'm not being weird.
206
00:07:38,859 --> 00:07:40,093
You are.
207
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,361
No, I'm not.
208
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:43,831
Ordering a salad
at a grilled cheese truck?
209
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:45,833
Weird.
210
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,338
Can we go?
We've been here, like, forever.
211
00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:53,006
Hang on, just wait
until the class is over, okay?
212
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,174
(groans)
213
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,511
Oh, okay, stand up, come on.
214
00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:58,879
Come with me.
215
00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:00,548
Jesus! Hi!
216
00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:01,715
Hey!
217
00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:04,051
Fancy meeting you here.
218
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,953
What are you doing here?
219
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,055
(chuckles) Hey, who's
this cool dude with you?
220
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:10,057
This is my son Chase.
221
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,458
And we have to go.
222
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,726
Oh.
223
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,996
Say, I just had a crazy idea.
224
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,498
We got these two cool kids
with us on a Saturday.
225
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:20,133
Should we go play mini golf?
226
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,468
There's a course
five minutes away from here.
227
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,736
We could get
to know each other.
228
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:24,805
I love mini golf!
Can we?
229
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:25,806
Huh?
(sighs)
230
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,007
Yeah, I love it, too!
231
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,075
You love it, too, right?
Excuse me.
232
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,309
Sure.
233
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,477
No, not "sure"-- yes.
234
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:31,645
You love it.
235
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:32,780
So we're gonna go, huh?
236
00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:36,349
Sure.
237
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:38,719
Guess so.
238
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,929
When did you get a tattoo?
239
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,197
Hmm? Oh.
240
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:51,231
I just... I don't know.
241
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:52,666
Had this for a while, I think.
242
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,067
Huh.
243
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:55,068
Hey, guys.
244
00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:56,069
Hey.
Hi.
245
00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:57,070
Come on in.
Thank you.
246
00:08:57,104 --> 00:08:58,105
Yeah.
247
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:04,578
Wow, your highlights
have really grown out.
248
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,948
I mean your hair's long.
249
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,950
You know.
250
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:11,685
We haven't seen
you in a while.
251
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:14,187
Sorry.
We've been busy.
252
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:15,789
Did you know
I went back to teaching?
253
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:17,224
Well, technically
I'm a teaching assistant, but...
254
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,860
Oh, no, everyone's
busy; I get it.
255
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,896
Did Russ mention
that I offered
256
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:25,532
to take care of the
girls if you died?
257
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,434
He did actually, yeah.
258
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:29,102
And?
259
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:31,571
We decided not to die.
260
00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:34,541
Great plan.
261
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,144
Okay, well, uh,
262
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,912
I have a little
present that I brought
263
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,413
for the girls if I could...
264
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,449
Yeah, they're in Ella's room.
265
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,685
It's the end of the hallway
in case you forgot.
266
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:52,592
Look at them.
Pretty cute.
267
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,561
They're laughing.
They're taking turns.
268
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,429
They're like brother
and sister already.
269
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:57,831
But without the incest factor.
270
00:09:57,865 --> 00:09:59,066
Aw, that's...
271
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,300
We dodged a bullet there.
272
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,770
(both laugh)
273
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,772
How did you know
where to find me?
274
00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:07,675
I know you.
(laughs)
275
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:11,511
You know, getting ambushed
like that was pretty intense.
276
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:14,014
Oh, I'm also a cutter, so...
277
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,515
(laughs)
Oh, really?
278
00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:18,752
Well, um, I just
need you to know
279
00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:20,854
Chase is the most important
thing in the world to me.
280
00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:22,089
Relax.
281
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,523
Neither of them suspect a thing.
282
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:24,591
Okay.
Okay?
283
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:25,625
Mom?
Yeah, honey?
284
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:27,127
Can your boyfriend come over
285
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,195
for dinner tonight?
286
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,663
Oh, he's not my boyfriend.
287
00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:30,964
Hey, little buddy.
288
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:32,165
How could I be?
289
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:33,867
I'm 40 days celibate.
AJ!
290
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:36,136
No.
What's "celibate"?
291
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:37,204
It's nothing.
It's not even a thing
292
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:38,438
we need to start worrying about.
293
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,041
Sometimes when you
294
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,043
love cookies so much,
295
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:45,312
it's better to not eat any
296
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:48,048
because you end up
eating the whole box.
297
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:49,516
Just like the Cookie Monster.
298
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:51,184
Yeah.
299
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:52,986
Like Cookie Monster.
300
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:54,988
Like Cookie Monster.
301
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:56,023
You like him, right?
302
00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:57,490
Yeah.
Yeah.
303
00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:58,859
(imitating Cookie Monster):
"C" is for "celibate."
304
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:01,228
"Cookies."
It's for "cookies," AJ.
305
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,668
And gorgeous, gorgeous,
306
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,003
gorgeous...
307
00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:11,671
I want polka dots
on my nails, too.
308
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:13,673
Okay, you're next.
309
00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:15,542
You're so much better
at makeup than our mom.
310
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:16,844
Well, you know what,
girls?
311
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,078
If you want to get noticed,
312
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,346
you really have
to put in the work.
313
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:20,981
It's a real thing, okay?
314
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,483
And the older you get,
the harder it is to be cute.
315
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,319
That's just... a sad truth.
316
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:27,554
ELLA:
I wish my mom had style
317
00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:29,156
like you.
318
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,690
You know, she has other stuff.
319
00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:32,092
She just doesn't really care
about that.
320
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:34,061
But luckily, I do.
And I'm here.
321
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,363
I can help you with,
you know, your prom,
322
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,398
I can help you
with your weddings
323
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:39,933
when you meet
that special prince.
324
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:41,234
(laughs)
325
00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:43,503
Yeah.
326
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,072
You know what?
327
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,040
You guys should come and
stay with me for a weekend.
328
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,708
We haven't done that in so long.
329
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:50,844
Yeah, that'd be really cool.
MAYA:
Totally.
330
00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:53,413
Yeah. Just us.
331
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,048
But you know what?
332
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:56,850
You probably got to ask your mom
about that, actually,
333
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:58,852
'cause she's not my biggest fan.
334
00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,087
You know that, though, right?
335
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,089
Little whisperings
336
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,758
around the house?
337
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:08,628
Your dad used to love me.
338
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:11,564
And now I think he's sort of...
339
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:15,035
over me as well.
340
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,136
That's mean.
341
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:17,570
You know what?
It is kind of mean,
342
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:20,373
because it's mean
to not be honest,
343
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:21,909
and a lot of times when adults
344
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:23,276
don't want to be friends
with someone anymore,
345
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:24,778
they don't even say it.
346
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:27,247
They just... they just say
that they're busy.
347
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,949
You know?
And they just blow people off
348
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:33,053
and they don't answer
text messages anymore and, um...
349
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:36,223
and they-they really let it...
350
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,724
fizzle out.
351
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,426
Hey, so how's
the teaching going?
352
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:40,828
It is going great.
353
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:43,330
I can speak for myself,
thank you very much.
354
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:44,965
Kind of talking to her.
(Lina laughs)
355
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:46,599
It's good.
356
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,235
I used to hate 12 kids;
now I'm down to seven.
357
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,170
So, better.
Definitely.
358
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:52,605
Thank you for asking.
Yeah. Well, that's good.
359
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,607
Baby!
(crying)
360
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:55,943
Hey, hey, hey.
What?
361
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:57,777
Why do you guys
hate Aunt Jess?
362
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,447
SHEPARD:
Great.
363
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,350
Another place we won't
get invited back.
364
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:13,994
JESS:
Ugh. I can't believe this.
365
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:15,795
Just explain to me
what happened in there.
366
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,697
What did you say?
What did I say?
367
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:18,966
Well, what-what...
why...
368
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,167
Whose side are
you taking?
369
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,835
You made a kid cry.
370
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,670
You're gonna believe a
child over your own wife?
371
00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:25,005
What is happening?
372
00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,506
I'm worried about you.
373
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:31,378
I think we should go
back into therapy.
374
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:33,146
(laughing):
Yeah.
375
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,182
I mean, not much
of a point for me,
376
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,449
since they always
love you.
377
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,018
That's so not true.
378
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,020
Please.
You always win therapy.
I win?
379
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,621
SHEPARD:
What, exactly,
did I win?
380
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,057
How much longer do you think
that marriage lasts?
381
00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:45,692
I'll take the under.
382
00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:46,994
There's a nice idea.
383
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,896
Maybe we can kick
the dog on the way out.
384
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:51,664
Hey, you know, we're gonna,
uh, take off early.
385
00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:53,066
Jess isn't
feeling great.
386
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,334
LINA: Oh...
RUSS:
Oh... Feel better.
387
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:57,037
No, I'm actually
feeling fine.
388
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,972
And also, we don't
have to do this.
389
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:00,407
We don't have
to pretend.
390
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,843
I understand how everybody
feels about me.
391
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:06,046
You know? I get it.
I'm really inappropriate
392
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:08,348
and I do too much coke
and I party too hard and...
393
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:11,418
SHEPARD:
Look, why don't you just quit
while you're ahead, okay?
394
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,188
(scoffs)
395
00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:16,823
I mean...
396
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,291
you're gonna
miss me.
397
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,135
I enjoyed the wings.
398
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:31,704
That was fun, huh?
399
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,206
Mm-hmm.
400
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,275
Do you follow
a lot of women?
401
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:38,178
On Instagram, yes, I...
402
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,413
But in real life.
403
00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:41,781
I know I'm intense.
404
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:44,784
I... I'm an Aries.
I run hot.
405
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:47,054
I need you to cool it
down a bit.
406
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,258
Whoa, whoa.
407
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:52,592
What do you mean?
408
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:55,228
I just want
to slow things down.
409
00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:00,400
I get it.
410
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,302
You're mad at me because
I haven't had sex with you yet.
411
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:03,636
No. I...
412
00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:05,705
No, I just think
413
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,140
it's a little early
414
00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:09,776
for you to have a relationship
with my son.
415
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:13,713
Take a beat
before we blend the families?
416
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,582
I think that's a good idea.
417
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:17,784
What do we tell Chase?
418
00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:19,219
I don't think we need
to tell him anything.
419
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,920
I know exactly what to say.
Say nothing.
420
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,155
Chase...
CHASE:
Yeah?
421
00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:23,991
Come here.
422
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:25,592
Hey, little buddy.
423
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:28,395
Cookie Monster is
on a diet right now.
424
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,430
Just lean meats and veggies.
425
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:31,664
No cookies?
426
00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:32,966
No.
427
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:36,269
No cookies.
428
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:40,340
But I'll see you
when it's time for a cookie.
429
00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:42,309
How's that sound?
430
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:44,177
Okay.
431
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,684
And I'll see you
when it's time for a cookie.
432
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:54,321
Maybe we could have
a few dinners
433
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:55,855
before that cookie.
434
00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:57,690
Slowing things down.
435
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,159
Of course.
Yeah.
436
00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:04,097
(car horns honking)
437
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:06,499
JESS: All the times that we took
them
438
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:08,335
out to dinner
when they were broke.
439
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:11,504
And that I've sat there
and watched their girls.
440
00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:13,606
And then they just turn around
and treat me like this
441
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,208
because it's just
so easy for them to do it!
442
00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,244
You weren't the best guest.
443
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:19,812
Okay.
444
00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:21,281
That's really
perfect for me.
445
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:22,782
So you're just gonna
attack me as well?
446
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,384
I'm not attacking you.
447
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:26,053
Yeah, you are.
You are attacking me.
448
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:27,587
Didn't mean
to attack you.
449
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,392
You gonna get
ready for bed,
450
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,361
or you gonna turn
into a bat now,
451
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,363
fly away for
the night?
Jesus Christ.
452
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,898
Does it feel good
to say stuff like that to me?
453
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:40,967
'Cause I certainly
don't need it.
454
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,170
I don't need it either.
455
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:44,971
Meaning what?
456
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,206
Meaning
457
00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:48,241
maybe enough is enough.
458
00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:51,178
You're not happy here.
459
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:54,747
I'm... I'm tired of
being treated like an asshole.
460
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:57,016
I'm not
an asshole.
461
00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:58,918
I know. I...
462
00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:00,553
I know,
I don't think that you are.
463
00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:05,392
Well, if you want a new life
with someone else, fine.
464
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:06,659
Go get it.
465
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,095
Just stop blaming me.
466
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:10,563
Stop blaming everybody else
in the world.
467
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,865
Take some responsibility,
468
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:14,501
be an adult,
469
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,403
and own it.
470
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:20,807
I really just...
471
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:24,911
I'm not trying to, like,
tear the world down,
472
00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:26,846
but I just wanted to...
473
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,616
I want to be happy.
474
00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:31,050
I just want to be happy.
475
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:33,620
Everybody wants to be happy.
476
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:37,224
But it doesn't just...
come like...
477
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:38,791
Go ahead. Go be happy.
478
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,228
I want you to be happy,
I really do.
479
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:43,230
I...
Go be happy.
480
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:45,198
And, hey, if it gets too hard,
481
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:47,100
then you can run away
from that, too.
482
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:51,438
(crying quietly)
483
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:00,780
(sighs)
484
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,617
LINA:
What did Jess say?
485
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:07,920
She said that
they're done.
486
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:11,624
That it's, like, official
official; it's over.
487
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:13,293
Isn't that crazy?
488
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:14,761
Yeah.
489
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:17,930
And she wants to, like,
meet up and talk.
490
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:20,433
What are you gonna do?
491
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,835
I don't know.
492
00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:25,572
I guess...
493
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,007
I'll go get a drink?
494
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,643
Talk.
495
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,949
*
496
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:38,618
Thank you.
497
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:43,256
Wow.
498
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,392
She was pretty hot, right?
499
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,496
I've been single
11 minutes.
500
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:51,331
Okay.
501
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:52,599
So check back with you
over the weekend?
502
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,501
That would be better.
Okay.
503
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:56,102
Um...
504
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,005
This might not be the best
time to bring this up,
505
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:02,475
but, uh... if Lina
and I were to die,
506
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:04,411
how would you feel
about taking our kids?
507
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,182
I've been single 11 minutes.
(laughs)
508
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:10,617
Got it.
509
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,552
Let me enjoy this.
Okay.
510
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:14,387
After the beer,
ask you again?
511
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:15,588
Bring it up.
Okay.
512
00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:23,363
*
513
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:53,960
Aw... shit.
514
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:57,264
Mmm.
515
00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:59,299
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
516
00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:40,707
[ Buzzing ]
517
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,310
Who is calling
this late?
518
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:45,778
Oof.
Lina, your phone.
What?
519
00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:48,080
[ Buzzing ]
Oh.
520
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:53,753
Oh. Sorry.
[ Buzzing Stops ]
521
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:55,755
[ Dog Barking In Distance ]
522
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:57,790
That wasn't your phone,
was it?
523
00:20:57,824 --> 00:20:59,892
Don't worry about it.
524
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,428
That's my girl.
525
00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:05,398
Married. All new,
Thursdays at 10:30.
526
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:07,233
Only on FX.
527
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:11,838
[ Crowd Cheering ]
A fantasy league
is like a family--
528
00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:13,139
said no one ever.
529
00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:15,908
I have achieved more
than I ever thought possible--
530
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,445
a checking account,
unlimited texting.
531
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:21,348
Win or lose,
it's how you play
your friends.
532
00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:24,851
Do I have any regrets?
Yeah. Tony Romo.
533
00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:28,688
History is not written
by the winners.
It's written by the cheaters.
534
00:21:28,721 --> 00:21:31,791
My mother always wondered,
how low can you go?
535
00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:33,326
Well, Mom, pretty low.
536
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:36,162
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
537
00:21:36,195 --> 00:21:38,197
Only on FXX.
538
00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:43,636
[ Water Dripping ]
539
00:21:48,875 --> 00:21:50,377
[ Clears Throat ]
540
00:21:58,084 --> 00:22:01,888
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
36384
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