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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,404
[ Man ]
What's more important--
2
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:05,939
being a successful rock star
or a successful father?
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,010
Dad!
Father.
4
00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:11,979
I was just about
to say "Father."
5
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,914
[ Announcer ]
Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll.
6
00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:15,749
All new, Thursdays at 10:00.
On FX.
7
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,854
FX presents Married.
8
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,360
WOMAN:
From the tips of your toes,
9
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:28,162
through the crown
10
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:29,763
of your head,
11
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:33,367
feel the energy flow.
12
00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:34,568
Ignore the distractions
of the world.
13
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,437
(door opens)
Hey.
14
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:37,605
Oh, no, no.
15
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:39,173
I was almost asleep.
16
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:40,341
I know.
17
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,775
...fill you with energy...
18
00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:43,111
I could use a nap, too.
19
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,179
(sighs)
20
00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:46,447
...and exhale.
21
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:47,581
Ah!
22
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,350
How great is it back here?
23
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:50,418
No tenant.
24
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:51,452
No kids.
25
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,453
No laundry.
26
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:53,954
It's paradise.
27
00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:55,356
This could be
the beginning
28
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,091
of a whole new
phase of our lives.
29
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,927
The guest house years.
30
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,529
Hmm...
31
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,764
What if we pretend that,
like, we were teenagers...
32
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:05,133
(moans)
(chuckles)
33
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:07,735
...and our parents
lived in the main house.
34
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:08,969
Mm-hmm.
35
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:11,405
And they might come in
at any moment.
36
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:14,074
So we have to do it
really quickly.
37
00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:15,643
LINA: I'm not finishing
my class, am I?
38
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:16,810
RUSS:
No.
39
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,413
(kissing)
40
00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:21,782
I hear them.
41
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:23,083
Who?
42
00:01:23,117 --> 00:01:23,984
Your parents.
43
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:26,053
Really?
Yeah.
44
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,821
Are you sure
it's not your mother?
45
00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:29,290
No, it's not my mother.
46
00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:30,558
Really?
It's your parents.
47
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,126
I think I can hear
your mom's heels
48
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,727
on the wood floor.
49
00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:34,995
No, it's your parents.
50
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:36,330
I think I can hear your mom
Stop.
51
00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:37,398
lighting a cigarette.
52
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:38,632
Damn it!
(laughing)
53
00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:39,633
That's not cool, okay?
54
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:40,634
It's not hot at all.
55
00:01:40,668 --> 00:01:43,571
You can finish your class.
56
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,839
Mmm, mission accomplished.
57
00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:48,041
(door closes)
58
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:54,715
So, we are celebrating, guys.
59
00:01:57,685 --> 00:02:00,621
I did a good deed.
60
00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:05,326
Nobody's gonna ask me
what my good deed was?
61
00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:07,595
Pretty sure we're gonna get
that information either way.
62
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:09,197
Mmm.
63
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:11,965
I'm helping a Webcam girl
get off the cam.
64
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,667
I don't understand.
65
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:14,968
Well, you know those girls
66
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:16,437
who help fellas
enjoy the Internet?
67
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:17,871
I know what a Webcam girl is.
68
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,773
What do you mean
you "helped her off the cam"?
69
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,309
I'm paying for her education.
70
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,544
Oh, in exchange
for sorority cam.
71
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:24,478
Nice.
72
00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,779
No.
73
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,848
She wants to work
with deaf kids.
74
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:30,551
She may look like a dirty bird,
but underneath
75
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,853
that rocking bod
is a sweet little angel.
76
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:36,624
How do you manage
to make charity seem creepy?
77
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:37,891
There's nothing
creepy about it.
78
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:39,793
I am trying
to help women be happy.
79
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,462
Oh, good luck with that.
80
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,564
What's with him?
What did you do?
81
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:45,065
Did you finally
break my friend here?
82
00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:47,000
This has nothing
to do with me.
83
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:48,702
This is about his mother.
84
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,971
She's coming to stay
with us for a couple nights.
85
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,540
(laughs):
Oh, Sharon, huh?
86
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:54,174
Too bad I'm sober.
87
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:55,709
She knows how to party.
88
00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:57,545
I'm not sober.
89
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,413
Yeah, well, for Russ,
the party ended a long time ago.
90
00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:00,481
RUSS: I'm just not
my best around her.
91
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,650
It's only two nights.
92
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,918
Yeah, but who knows?
93
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,754
I mean, you never get
a straight answer with her.
94
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:09,223
We just got to make it through
the weekend without any drama.
95
00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:10,524
Is that all we have to do?
96
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:13,060
(mouth full):
Mm-hmm.
97
00:03:13,093 --> 00:03:16,063
LINA:
Take that.
98
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,097
They look expensive.
99
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:18,165
If Grandma sees it,
100
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,867
she might ask for money.
101
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,502
Take this wine,
102
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,437
put it in my closet
with the rest, okay?
103
00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:25,606
Why do we hide things
from Grandma?
104
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,075
Sometimes Grandma thinks
staying with us is a party.
105
00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:29,943
And she...
106
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:32,145
likes a goodie bag.
107
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:36,617
Don't mention the guest house.
Are you kidding me?
108
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:38,218
She'd never leave.
109
00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:40,254
Are you okay?
No.
110
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:41,789
Look, it's a few days.
111
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,090
And then she leaves
for her cruise.
112
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,125
We just need to feed her,
get her drunk.
113
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:46,427
It'll be fine.
114
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:48,095
(doorbell rings)
115
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,231
GIRLS:
Grandma!
116
00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:53,467
Hi, you little maniacs.
117
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,603
(smooching)
118
00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,204
Oh, there you are.
119
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,872
There's my handsome son.
120
00:03:58,906 --> 00:03:59,973
Come on.
121
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:00,974
Tell your mommy you love her.
122
00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:03,243
I love you.
123
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:04,978
Aw.
124
00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:06,547
Oh! Thank you.
125
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,282
Hi, Sharon.
Hi.
126
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:09,783
How's my favorite
daughter-in-law?
127
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:11,285
(chuckles)
Good, really good.
128
00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:14,955
I thought you said
you had a nicer house.
129
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,090
We, we do.
130
00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,659
But it's still in the Valley.
131
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:19,893
That's where people live.
132
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,161
No, no.
No, people don't
133
00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:23,030
"live" in the Valley;
they exist.
134
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:39,780
What's going on?
Are playing or not?
135
00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:42,082
(sighs)
136
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,518
I can't.
Too depressed.
137
00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:46,620
Remember that Webcam girl
I was telling you about?
138
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:47,688
Sure.
139
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:50,257
She's back on the cam.
140
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,692
So?
141
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,761
"So?"
142
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,863
I registered her for classes.
143
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,164
I bought her textbooks.
144
00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:58,432
I even gave her a stipend.
145
00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:00,868
At least she's in school.
146
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,035
Well, that's the thing.
147
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:03,704
She didn't even
show up for class.
148
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,339
(wry laugh)
149
00:05:05,373 --> 00:05:06,974
What the hell?
150
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:09,009
When she told me that she wanted
to work with deaf kids,
151
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,544
I actually believed her.
152
00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:12,212
(sighs)
153
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,314
The Internet's a web of lies.
154
00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:17,184
I was so proud of myself.
155
00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:19,319
For the first time
since I was fired,
156
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:21,622
I felt like I was doing
something positive.
157
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,358
I felt like
I was improving the world.
158
00:05:24,392 --> 00:05:26,126
Now...
159
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,562
(quiet laugh)
160
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:30,798
she's back on the cam.
161
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,299
Hey.
162
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,301
Could you give me this
woman's information?
163
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,870
I'd like to give her
a piece of my mind.
164
00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:40,574
I don't like seeing
you like this.
165
00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:43,477
SHARON:
Oh, Jesus, what a shithole!
166
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:45,479
Come on, let's
get it cleaned up.
167
00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:47,481
Oh! Does your mother
even know how to dust?
168
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:48,882
LINA:
I'm right here.
169
00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:50,918
How much was
this painting?
170
00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:53,220
I don't remember.
171
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:54,855
Well, whatever you paid,
you paid too much.
172
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:57,057
Mom, where are you pants?
173
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,726
It's okay.
174
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,394
I'm wearing my underpants.
175
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:01,829
No, it's not okay.
176
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,063
I-I think what Russ means
177
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,932
is that he'd feel
more comfortable
178
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:06,734
if-if you wore pants
around the house.
179
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:09,202
Oh, is that what he wants?
180
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,738
That's what he wants.
181
00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:12,372
Then he can speak for himself.
182
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:14,174
I want you to wear pants.
183
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,609
Don't be such a Republican.
184
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:17,277
Pants are "Republican"?
185
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,846
I think pants
are bipartisan.
186
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,180
Fine.
187
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:23,216
Tell Mohammed
I'll put on my burka.
188
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:26,854
(scoffs)
189
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,622
(door closes)
190
00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:29,857
Why did you start with her?
191
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,358
Are you kidding?
192
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,960
I'm supposed to let her
walk around the house
193
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:34,227
in her panties?
194
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:35,262
Two days.
195
00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:36,430
Then she goes on her cruise,
196
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:38,466
then she flies back to Cleveland
197
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:39,933
and then she goes back
to being your sister's problem.
198
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,636
I know, but I'm
not gonna make it.
199
00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:44,104
Fine.
200
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:47,040
I'll keep you separated.
201
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,776
Sharon?
202
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:51,445
Can I take you shopping?
203
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:53,881
SHARON:
Finally!
204
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,249
This won't be cheap.
205
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,919
Buy her some pants.
206
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,827
LINA:
Are you excited
207
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,328
about Mexico?
208
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:11,098
I'm excited about
not paying for it.
209
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,333
Wow, Tina's treating?
That's nice of her.
210
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,569
I'm not going with Tina.
211
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,605
Russ said that, um....
212
00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:19,172
Well, that's what
I told him.
213
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:22,042
He doesn't like to hear
about my love life.
214
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:26,980
Wow.
215
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,415
What do you think?
216
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,685
Who are you going
on this cruise with?
217
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:33,621
An interested senior
I met on the Internet.
218
00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:36,189
Oh...
219
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:38,425
So what's your verdict
on the teddy?
220
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,027
Is he getting
his money's worth?
221
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:41,094
I don't know.
222
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,697
How much is the cruise?
223
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:46,333
The answer is yes, bitch.
224
00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:52,640
(sighs)
225
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,708
RUSS:
So you're going on a cruise
226
00:07:54,742 --> 00:07:56,977
with a man you've
never met before?
227
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,445
Well, we FaceTimed.
228
00:07:58,478 --> 00:07:59,980
But it wasn't just faces.
(laughs)
229
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:01,381
Oh, gross, Mom.
230
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:04,451
What do you even
know about this guy?
231
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,119
I know that he's very generous.
232
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,355
Unlike my son
and daughter-in-law.
233
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:11,291
Those cheeses weren't cheap.
234
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,826
Neither was the teddy.
235
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,562
What teddy?
236
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,664
Never mind.
237
00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:18,566
Does Kimmy know that
you're going on this trip
238
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,133
with a man that
you've never met?
239
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,301
I'm done with your sister.
240
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,303
I am never going
back to Cleve-bland.
241
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,371
I see.
242
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:25,839
So then, what happens?
243
00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:27,140
Where do you go
after the cruise?
Oh.
244
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,208
The interested senior
245
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,743
has some property in La Jolla.
246
00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:31,211
Maybe I'll end up there.
247
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:32,846
That doesn't make any sense.
248
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,015
Well, it would,
if you saw the teddy.
249
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,334
Oh, hey.
Hey.
250
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,903
Sit down.
I already ordered.
251
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:57,337
All right.
252
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,473
So I had a little Web
chat with our friend.
253
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,243
And?
And, well,
254
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,879
at first, I just pretended
to be a regular pervert.
255
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:07,915
You know? I asked her to
do some light panty play,
256
00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:10,017
established trust--
pretty smart, right?
257
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,753
Did you ask her
about the deaf school or not?
258
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,454
Yes, I did,
and all of a sudden,
259
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,857
click-- I was blocked.
260
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,558
That's it?
261
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,293
You had me drive
to Valencia for this?
262
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:21,929
You could've told me
all of that on the phone.
263
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:23,563
Hang on!
264
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:26,533
I noticed, on her night stand,
a take-out container:
265
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:30,103
Tandoori chicken...
from Assam Kitchen.
266
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,371
So what?
267
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,273
I heard a nearby train.
268
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:35,208
I researched all four locations.
269
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,477
This is the only Assam Kitchen
270
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:39,713
near train tracks.
271
00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:43,483
Your plan is to sit here
272
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:46,486
until she comes
back to this restaurant
273
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:49,522
and orders more tandoori?
274
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,661
Oh, well.
275
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:55,629
We tried.
276
00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:58,732
You can't,
can't save everyone.
277
00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:01,401
Wait a second.
278
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:04,537
I think I know how to do this.
279
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,815
Guys?
280
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,183
We're trying to save a life.
281
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:17,651
And help the deaf,
282
00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:19,086
so it's a two-fer.
283
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,689
I'm not home.
AJ:
No, no, no, no.
284
00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,356
We need a third.
285
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:24,692
Of course you do.
286
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,126
Yeah?
287
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:31,198
RUSS:
My mom's plan
288
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:32,532
is to bone an old stranger
289
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:33,867
until he invites her
to live with him.
290
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:35,535
Do you have
a better plan?
291
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:37,004
Yeah.
292
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:39,172
Ether, duct tape,
shallow grave in the desert...
293
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:40,941
SHARON:
Oh, there you are.
294
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,776
What's for dinner?
295
00:10:42,810 --> 00:10:45,012
Well, I made tater tots and
chicken nuggets for the kids.
296
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:47,280
What is this, Friendly's?
RUSS:
Mom...
297
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,449
Not okay.
You're a guest.
298
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,151
You're the host?
299
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:52,686
Lina,
300
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,054
can you take me
to Crate & Barrel?
301
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,723
I need some new pots.
302
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:56,924
For the cruise?
303
00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,292
Forget it; I cancelled it.
304
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,894
What? Why?
305
00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:04,297
Ah... guy called me up
and asked for my credit card
306
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,532
to cover my incidentals.
307
00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,367
So you're not going?
308
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,870
Nobody tells me how many
margaritas to order.
309
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,905
Who does he think he is,
your father?
310
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:13,640
Oh, wow.
311
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,908
Wow!
312
00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:16,543
I see what this is.
313
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:18,178
I'm such an idiot.
314
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:20,247
What?
315
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,581
I was worried about you.
316
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:24,051
But that's...
what you wanted, right?
317
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:25,385
That was the plan?
318
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:27,187
To have me
319
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,555
get super-concerned and worried
320
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:31,424
so that I would beg you
not to go on the trip.
321
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,193
Right?
322
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,494
Was there ever a cruise, Mom?
323
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,329
Was there ever
an interested senior?
324
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,331
You don't think I'm hot enough
325
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,367
to get a cruise paid for?
326
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:43,771
(phone chimes, whistles)
Here, look.
327
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,839
Oh, my God, Mom!
328
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:47,107
SHARON:
Now do you believe me?
329
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,276
That could be any
old guy's dick.
330
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:51,511
Seriously? You really think
that I would go out
331
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:54,214
and steal a picture
of any old guy's dick
332
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,715
just so I could live here
333
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:58,385
with my asshole son
and his joyless wife?
334
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,520
Yep.
Yeah, I do, actually.
335
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,790
I would never live
in the Valley.
336
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:04,925
Now, if you had
a home in Malibu,
337
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:07,160
it'd be
a different story.
338
00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:12,032
(door slams)
339
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,167
"Joyless."
340
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,809
Okay, so, is this the
credit card you want to use,
341
00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:23,143
or do you have a separate card
342
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,444
that you just
use for porn?
343
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,980
No? Okay.
I'll use this one.
344
00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:29,582
All right, guys, you got
20 minutes to save this woman
345
00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:32,319
and then I have
things to do, okay?
346
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:33,420
(doorbell rings)
347
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:34,955
That must be Raavi.
348
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:36,890
Who's Raavi?
349
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:38,058
My secret weapon.
350
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,260
I thought I was
the secret weapon.
351
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:42,462
What, a guy can't have more
than one secret weapon?
352
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:43,897
Ugh...
353
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,666
SHARON:
* Drunk last night
354
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:48,836
* Drunk the night before
(pots and pans clanging)
355
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:51,604
* Don't know why
my asshole's sore... *
356
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:54,141
What is my mom
doing in our kitchen?
357
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,844
Making sausages.
358
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,847
Homemade sausages.
359
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,614
From scratch.
360
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:02,983
She's says
it's your favorite.
361
00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:05,152
SHARON: * Yeah, yeah,
don't know why... *
362
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:06,519
It is.
363
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:08,088
I think you were right.
364
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,590
She wants to move in.
365
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,193
How long you think our marriage
lasts, once she does?
366
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,028
Three months?
367
00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:17,097
Maybe six, with counseling.
368
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,099
You bought fennel.
369
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,433
Yeah.
370
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:21,368
Like you asked.
371
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:23,036
I asked her for fennel seeds
372
00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:24,537
and she brought home
an actual fennel.
373
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,673
Is there something
wrong with your wife?
374
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:28,541
All right.
375
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:31,511
Mom, I think we need to talk.
376
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:34,948
And why are you taking me
to the garage?
377
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:37,084
It's actually
a guest house.
378
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:39,987
You have a guest house?
379
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,689
Well, we're in the
process of converting it.
380
00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:48,228
So there's a
bedroom here,
381
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,497
Mm-hmm.
and the bathroom.
382
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:51,698
Yeah. Okay.
383
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:54,134
And, um, and this is
kind of like
384
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,736
the main, uh,
main living area.
385
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,238
Hey. Well, I...
386
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:01,074
I could do wonders
with this place.
387
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:03,810
Of course, your wife will fill
it with cheap shit, but, uh...
388
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,579
You can decorate it... yourself.
389
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:08,015
However you want.
390
00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:10,984
I don't understand.
391
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:13,086
You can live here.
392
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,255
For as long as you need to.
393
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,390
Look, just until
394
00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:19,659
you get a job, right?
Get back on your feet again.
395
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:20,894
(laughs)
I have a job.
396
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,229
Yeah. Selling old bags on eBay
397
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:23,496
is not really a job.
398
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,265
I have made thousands.
399
00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:27,534
It's still not a job.
400
00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:31,338
I know that things aren't
401
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:34,441
probably the way you imagined
402
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:35,842
they would be, you know?
403
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,210
When you left Dad,
404
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,279
I'm sure you thought...
405
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,014
whatever,
that it would be...
406
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:44,117
This is a very nice guest house
407
00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:45,618
and it's all yours.
408
00:14:45,652 --> 00:14:48,255
It's a garage.
409
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:50,958
Very hot here
in the Valley...
410
00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:52,192
There's air conditioning.
411
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,127
Everywhere.
412
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:55,929
I'll think about it.
Okay.
413
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:57,430
Russell...
414
00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:04,571
You're a good boy.
415
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,983
*
416
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,317
Hello?
(computer chimes)
417
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:18,485
GLORIA:
Hi.
418
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,653
(giggles) Yeah, I'm here.
419
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:22,055
Okay, um...
420
00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:24,624
So what do you feel
like doing today?
421
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,159
Well, I-I feel like being alone,
422
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:27,995
but that ship has sailed.
423
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,963
I can show you my titties.
Uh...
424
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,498
Or... you know what?
Hold that thought.
425
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,733
Um, if you can just
talk to my friends.
426
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,135
Guys... Guys. Please.
427
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:36,336
These guys
428
00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:38,005
would love to talk to you.
429
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:39,272
Okay?
430
00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:40,507
Oh... Okay.
431
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:41,841
I think we're done here.
432
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:43,010
No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait. Listen.
433
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:45,845
Uh, uh, Gloria?
Gloria, this...
434
00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:49,549
I know these guys
are annoying, but...
435
00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:53,186
That's all I got.
436
00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:55,188
AJ:
Gloria,
437
00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:56,956
I know you want
to hang upon us,
438
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,559
but are you willing
to hang up...
439
00:16:02,229 --> 00:16:03,496
...on this young man?
440
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,032
This is Raavi.
441
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:09,036
He loves SpongeBob,
LEGOs and America.
442
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:11,638
But he is
hearing impaired.
443
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,273
I don't understand.
444
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,541
Neither does he.
445
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:16,643
Because none of us...
446
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:17,877
speak deaf.
447
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:20,313
Who is this kid?
448
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:21,881
My pharmacist's nephew.
449
00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,383
Pharmacist's nephew?
450
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,118
(whispering):
His drug dealer's look-out.
451
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:26,819
Of course.
GLORIA:
Oh.
452
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,021
Well, I can't talk
to your friend.
453
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,389
He's not 18.
Hey.
454
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:31,891
We don't want
Dirty Gloria tonight.
455
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:34,127
We are here
for Gloria.
456
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:35,362
True Gloria.
457
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:37,397
The little girl
who had a dream,
458
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:38,565
but just needed
the courage
459
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:39,799
to follow through.
460
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:41,134
We want to
talk to her.
461
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:42,369
Is she available?
462
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:45,172
What do you say?
463
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,378
(laughs gently)
464
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:57,650
Hello... Raavi.
465
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,852
Wait. You know
sign language?
466
00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:01,588
I read the books.
467
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,090
Then why didn't you
go to the classes?
468
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:05,992
Because I flunked every class
I ever took.
469
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,560
Tito was right.
470
00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:09,429
The only thing
I'll ever be good at
471
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,431
is shaking my dumb, pimply ass.
472
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,932
Screw that guy.
You are not dumb.
473
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:14,067
And there ain't
474
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:16,103
nothing wrong
with that ass.
475
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,305
Uh...
476
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:23,243
I, uh,
I don't really know you.
477
00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:28,014
But you seem, uh...
478
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,450
very good with children.
479
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:32,419
Thank you.
480
00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:34,387
Appreciate it.
481
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:40,727
(birds singing)
482
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,295
LINA:
Russ, Russ.
483
00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:43,896
Your mom's leaving.
484
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,332
She called a cab.
485
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,868
What?
486
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,270
(car door opens)
487
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:55,842
Mom.
488
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,379
Hey.
489
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,913
Mom!
(glass bottles clinking)
490
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:03,516
Where are
you going?
Oh, hi.
491
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,620
Yeah, I decided to go
on that cruise after all.
492
00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:09,956
Why?
Did you know
493
00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:12,925
that it never gets hotter
than 75 degrees in La Jolla?
494
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:16,329
What about the guest house?
495
00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:18,598
Oh, you mean the garage?
496
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,567
I'm not ready to give up.
497
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,635
Uh...
498
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:24,070
(glass bottles clinking)
499
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,238
What is that?
500
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:29,209
Thanks for the incidentals.
501
00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:35,682
I mean, we really
know nothing
502
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,517
about that guy.
503
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:40,953
Except for that he's got
very interesting skin tags.
504
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:46,193
Well, what's the worst
that could happen?
505
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:49,061
That she doesn't get murdered?
506
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,566
Yeah.
507
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:58,871
(sighs)
508
00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:00,273
Tell me I'm a good boy.
509
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:02,742
You're okay.
510
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:08,748
(siren wailing in distance)
511
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:17,190
Hey.
512
00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:18,558
Want to party?
513
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:19,959
Better.
514
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,828
I want to help you
help yourself.
515
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:23,396
Whatever. It's gonna
cost you extra.
516
00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:25,798
Hey, it's just money.
517
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,300
I got a friend
518
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:28,901
that I like to work with.
519
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:32,004
You want to save two of us
at the same time?
520
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,375
(exhales) Um...
521
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,410
Yeah.
That would be great.
522
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,618
You have to pick up Maya.
523
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:21,087
I have Frankie and Ella
at soccer until 3:00.
You know what?
524
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:23,890
I think you need
to make some time
to take care of us.
525
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:25,725
I don't have time.
526
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:28,695
All I have is 15 minutes
between Ella getting her
braces off and Maya's gym.
527
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,730
That's fine.
That's why we have
the minivan.
528
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:34,200
Ugh!
Captain's chairs.
529
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,868
Don't.
530
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:38,705
Married. All new,
Thursdays at 10:30.
531
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:39,739
Only on FX.
532
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:40,807
Ugh!
533
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,544
[ Crowd Cheering ]
Was I the fastest? No.
534
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:46,813
The smartest?
Not particularly.
535
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:49,248
But did I do me?
Yes, I did.
536
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:52,919
I did me repeatedly,
everywhere!
537
00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:56,756
As a matter of fact,
I did me right before
I came out on this stage.
538
00:20:56,789 --> 00:20:58,425
[ Crowd Groans ]
The League.
539
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:01,461
Starts Wednesday, September 9.
Only on FXX.
540
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:09,469
[ Clears Throat ]
541
00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:18,678
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
542
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:40,800
[ Male Announcer ]
The Bastard Executioner.
543
00:21:40,833 --> 00:21:43,836
Tuesdays at 10:00.
Starts September 15 on FX.
544
00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:48,775
[ Dings ]
545
00:21:56,983 --> 00:21:59,285
[ Sighing ]
546
00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:05,525
- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- [ Radio: Chorus ]
* Ba-la, la-la-la
547
00:22:05,558 --> 00:22:09,161
[ Man ]
* The sun is shining
* Sha-la, la-la-la
548
00:22:09,195 --> 00:22:12,799
* The birds are singing
* Sha-la, la-la-la
549
00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:15,902
* It's a beautiful day
550
00:22:15,935 --> 00:22:18,204
* And my love is here to stay
551
00:22:18,237 --> 00:22:21,273
* Sha-la, la-la-la
* The sun is shi--
36211
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