Original subtitles

(Russ groans)

>> LINA: You okay?

>> RUSS: Yeah, I'm fine.

>> LINA: Yeah?

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> LINA: I went to Bernie's.

I thought maybe we could grab

lunch or something.

He said you went home sick.

>> RUSS: Well, I am sick.

Sick of working at Bernie's.

>> LINA: I hope you feel better.

>> RUSS: Hey, look...

>> LINA: You know, I get sick of

stuff, too.

I'd love to take a sick day.

>> RUSS: So... let's take one...

together.

>> LINA: Someone's got to pick

up the kids.

Idiot.

>> RUSS (sighs): Oh...

(Jess giggles)

>> JESS (sighs): I can't believe

you haven't been by to see

AJ yet.

>> RUSS: I know, I know, I know.

How's he doing, how's rehab?

>> JESS: I don't know.

I mean, he's AJ, so it is a

process.

So many cool addicts there.

>> RUSS: "Cool addicts"?

>> JESS: You know me, I love

that shit.

(Russ laughs, taps table)

>> RUSS: That's weird.

>> JESS: What's... your problem?

>> RUSS: I'm just...

(sighs)

Lina and I have been fighting

ever since they sold our house.

>> JESS: Oh, shit, they actually

sold that place?

>> RUSS: Yeah.

To the Russians next door.

Now we're, like, struggling to

find another place to rent.

>> JESS: Oh, God...

Looking for places is the

ultimate worst; she must be so

stressed out, yeah.

>> RUSS: She is, without a

doubt, but I feel like this

is like... an opportunity, you

know, to, like, change things.

>> JESS: Like... what?

>> RUSS: Everything-- all of it.

I just...

I want my life to feel m-more

like... (stammers)

I don't know.

More adventurous.

I bought this book about

traveling the world with your

family; just picking up and,

like, leaving town for, like...

months, years at a time, you

know?

>> JESS: Mm-hmm.

>> RUSS: And I gave it to her

just to see what she would say,

and she was like, "We should

just table that."

>> JESS: Yeah, that sounds about

right.

(sighs)

>> JESS: Well, uh...

do you want to smoke weed?

>> RUSS: I do, but we can't use

the van again; Lina's tired of

explaining the smell to the

kids.

>> JESS: Oh, my God, you're such

a pussy.

(Jess groans)

(dog whimpers)

>> MAYA: When is Jen coming?

>> LINA: Jen's not coming; we

got a new sitter.

>> MAYA: How pretty is she?

>> LINA: Why does that matter?

>> MAYA: It matters to me.

>> RUSS: It matters to both of

us.

>> MAYA: Where are you guys

going anyway?

>> RUSS: Uh... we are going to

visit Uncle AJ in the hospital.

>> LINA: He's not in the

hospital.

>> RUSS (grunts): I...

>> LINA: He's in a resort for

rich people who take too many

drugs.

>> MAYA: Why do people take

drugs?

>> RUSS: Well... uh... sometimes

grown-ups need to take something

to help them forget that their

lives didn't turn out the way

they wanted.

>> LINA: Sometimes they just

don't want to face the reality

that they're married with three

kids.

>> MAYA: Wait, Uncle AJ has

three kids?

>> RUSS: No, your mom was

talking about me.

>> SHEPARD: I just don't really

understand why you can't do this

by yourself.

Wh-Why do I have to go?

>> JESS: Well, because AJ wants

us both to be there for Family

Day.

>> SHEPARD: Right, but we're not

family.

>> JESS: Yeah, but it's

really just an opportunity for

him to apologize to all of the

different people that he's hurt.

>> SHEPARD: Really?

Where are they holding this

thing, the Colosseum?

>> JESS: You know, it's really

one of my favorite parts of

rehab, because it's like when

all of the different weirdos get

to be like, "I'm sorry that I

stole your car..." or, like,

"I'm sorry that I shit in your

fish tank..."

>> SHEPARD: Oh... I'm looking

forward to this, now.

(Jess sighs)

>> JESS: If... you give it

a chance, you might actually

like it.

>> SHEPARD: You had me at "fish

tank."

>> JESS: Okay.

>> RUSS: This is amazing.

>> LINA: Wow.

>> RUSS: Wow, we would never be

able to afford a rehab like

this.

>> LINA: No, I mean, if one of

us needed help, we would have

to just stay on drugs.

>> RUSS: Oh, did you get a

chance to look at that stuff

that I sent you?

>> LINA: Stuff?

>> RUSS: Yeah, the link to the

guy's blog?

Or the book about the guy who

travels the world...?

>> LINA: Yeah, I just have been

really busy.

>> RUSS: Okay.

Never mind.

(ducks quacking)

>> LINA: AJ!

>> AJ: H-Hey...!

>> RUSS: So, Jess says you've

been doing really well.

>> AJ: Yeah?

Did she tell you that she's been

here every day?

>> RUSS: So?

>> AJ: So, she's a rehab junkie.

She's addicted to coming to

rehab.

Ever since I checked in here,

she's been obsessed with my

recovery.

>> RUSS: She cares about you,

dude.

>> AJ: She's been sending

uplifting texts to other

patients.

>> RUSS: Oh, really?

>> AJ: Yeah.

>> LINA: I think I found our

house.

>> AJ: Oh, yeah?

>> LINA: Crap, except it only

has one and a half bathrooms.

Which I just don't think is

enough for five people.

>> AJ: How much are the

neighbors paying you?

>> LINA: For what?

>> AJ: To move.

>> LINA: They have to pay us?

>> AJ: Well, they don't have

to, but... you can make their

lives miserable.

>> LINA: We can?

>> AJ: Do you know how hard it

is to evict somebody in

California?

If they want you gone, you kind

of have them by the balls.

Oh, my God, here he is, this is

my guy.

(men chuckling)

Dr. Fred, these are my very good

friends, Lina, Russ, Russ, Lina.

>> LINA: Hi.

>> RUSS: Hi. Russ.

>> DR. FRED: Can I steal AJ for

a second?

>> LINA: Yeah, yeah.

>> RUSS: Sure, yeah.

>> AJ: See you guys in a second.

>> LINA: Oh, my God, how great

would it be if we could get a

little extra money for our move?

Maybe we could put it towards a

bigger place.

>> RUSS: Yeah, or a bigger move.

>> LINA: A bigger move?

>> RUSS: Costa Rica.

>> LINA: You want to move to

Costa Rica?

>> RUSS: Why not?

>> LINA: The whole family?

>> RUSS: Yes!

What?

>> JESS: AJ!

Hey, man, how's it going?

Hey.

>> AJ: What are you doing here?

>> JESS: I'm here for Family

Day.

>> AJ: Mm... I thought I told

you not to come.

>> JESS: Oh, I thought you were

joking.

>> AJ: I wasn't.

You really piss me off.

>> JESS: Why, what did I do?

>> AJ: Every time you come here,

you make it all about you.

Yesterday you spent an hour

talking to Dawn about how your

mother makes you feel guilty

about not being more religious.

>> JESS: Yeah?

>> AJ: Dawn was raped by her

grandfather.

>> JESS: Well, we've all been

abused.

>> AJ: Okay, look.

>> JESS: You know, like,

everyone has their stuff.

>> AJ: This is my rehab, not

yours.

>> JESS: All right, well, I'll

go home then, if that's what you

want.

>> AJ: No, no, no, it's okay,

stay, just... be cool.

>> JESS: Okay.

(AJ sighs)

>> AJ (laughs): Oh, man.

(Jess quietly laughs)

(AJ sighs)

>> LINA: Are you serious?

>> RUSS: Yes.

>> LINA: You want to move the

whole family to Costa Rica?

>> RUSS: Yeah, I do.

We get on a plane and we go down

there and we stay with Kurt for

a bit.

>> LINA: Who the hell is Kurt?

>> RUSS: The guy who writes the

travel blog.

>> LINA: What travel blog?

>> RUSS: The one that I sent

you that you obviously, like,

ignored.

>> LINA: No, I got the e-mail

that you forwarded with the

link, but I didn't open it.

>> RUSS: Oh, that's awesome.

>> LINA: Just like you ignore

every link to every house I need

you to look at.

>> RUSS: Because we shouldn't be

looking at that stuff.

>> LINA: I think you're losing your mind.

>> RUSS: I'm not losing my mind.

Kurt is killing it down there.

He, like, opened a café.

We could do the same thing-- we

could open another surf shop.

>> LINA: Yeah, we could, and we

could send the kids to school with chickens...

>> RUSS: Kurt homeschools his

kids.

>> LINA: Homeschool?

>> RUSS: Yeah, taken care of.

>> LINA: Seriously?

>> RUSS: Yep.

>> LINA: I prefer the chickens.

>> RUSS: Think about all the

cool shit we would do.

>> LINA: I can think of you

surfing, and me spending all day

at home with all three kids.

>> RUSS: No, you'd be teaching.

>> JESS: There's got to be more.

Yes. Grady's more of, like, a

live-in-the-moment type of guy.

>> SHEPARD: Which one is Grady?

>> JESS: Grady is the one who

got so drunk that he jumped off

the train while it was still moving.

>> SHEPARD: No, I think that was Glenn.

>> JESS: No, Glenn is the man

that set his neighbor's RV on fire.

>> SHEPARD: Okay, 'cause I get them confused.

>> JESS (laughs): Yeah, I know.

There are so many interesting people here.

>> SHEPARD: Okay, well, maybe if

I set fire to something, I'd be

interesting.

>> JESS (sputters): I don't want

you to be interesting.

I like you the way that you are.

>> SHEPARD: Mm. I'm, I'm gonna

pretend like that was a

compliment.

>> JESS: It is a compliment.

>> SHEPARD: I see. Hey.

>> LINA: Hey, guys.

>> JESS: Hi.

>> LINA: Do you know if there's

a Wi-Fi signal anywhere?

>> JESS: I do. There's a really

strong one at the juice bar.

>> LINA: Thank you.

>> JESS: My treat.

They make the best smoothies.

>> LINA: I cannot believe how

frustrating this is-- there are

no houses for rent.

>> JESS: Where are you looking,

exactly?

>> LINA: Well, we're kind of

between something in our current

school district or Costa Rica.

(Jess chuckles)

>> JESS: Why is that?

>> LINA: Russ. He's having

another one of his freak-outs.

>> JESS: Hmm.

Can I say something?

Maybe it's not a freak-out.

I just don't think that...

I don't think that Russ is

happy.

>> LINA: You don't think my

husband is happy?

Why? Did he tell you that when

you guys were smoking weed in my

van?

>> JESS (sighs): He just said

that you guys were in a rut.

>> LINA: Well, who gets to be

happy all the time, Jess, you?

>> JESS: I don't know.

I try to have fun.

>> LINA: Well, I guess you're

fun and I'm not. Forget it.

>> JESS: Lina, that's not...

I'm not...

(Jess sighs)

>> SHEPARD: Pretty swanky, huh?

>> RUSS: Yeah. I'd say.

You can see why Jess likes it

here so much.

>> SHEPARD: No, no, no, it's not

the amenities.

It's she likes the damaged men.

It reminds her of her father.

>> RUSS: Wait. Am I one of those

damaged men?

Is that why she's friends with

me?

>> SHEPARD: Are you just

figuring that out now?

Hey... are you serious about

moving to Costa Rica?

>> RUSS: Yeah. Very.

>> SHEPARD: Oh. I get it.

I had a Costa Rica, too.

Mine was Morocco.

Never made it.

>> RUSS: Don't you regret that?

>> SHEPARD: Went to Egypt once.

But do you think it's gonna be

the best thing for the kids,

truly?

>> RUSS: Is it best for them

that their father is miserable

all the time?

>> SHEPARD: Works for us.

¶ ¶

>> LINA: Hey, um, do you know

when we're starting the therapy

thing?

>> RUSS: Uh, no, I don't.

What's the rush?

>> LINA: 'Cause I found a house.

It's great. It's in our budget,

it's in a great school district,

and... guess what.

>> RUSS: What?

>> LINA: There's three

bathrooms.

And they're having an open house

today.

>> RUSS: Okay. We'll go after

therapy.

>> LINA: No, it will be gone by

then.

>> RUSS: I don't care.

>> LINA: What?

>> RUSS: You don't care about

Costa Rica; I don't care about

your third bathroom.

>> LINA: My third bathroom?

>> DR. FRED: Should we start?

>> RUSS: Yes. Good to go.

>> AJ: Let the healing begin!

>> AJ: I would like to thank

everyone for coming here.

Well... not everyone, I guess,

because, uh, everyone isn't

here.

I, uh... asked Roxanne to come,

but she's at a women's apparel

event at Newport Beach, and it's

kind of strange that... this was

her suggestion in the first

place, for me to come here...

>> DR. FRED: Maybe we should

focus on the people who are

here.

>> AJ: My guy.

>> JESS: I'll go. I'll go first.

I want to.

>> LINA: Actually, AJ, I would

love to go first, because we're

kind of in a rush.

>> RUSS: Uh, no, we're not,

actually.

>> LINA: We are. I'm sorry...

>> RUSS: Jess can go first if

she wants to go first.

>> JESS: Thank you. I do, I do.

>> AJ: Of course you do.

>> SHEPARD: What is that?

What is with that attitude?

I mean, Jess has come to visit

you here almost, like, every

day.

>> AJ: 'Cause she gets off on it.

>> SHEPARD: Well, you know what?

Even if she does, it doesn't

mean she doesn't care about you.

>> JESS: Thanks. You get me.

>> AJ: I would just like to

say... Jess, that I am so sorry

for any inconvenience my

addiction may have caused you.

>> SHEPARD: You aware that

"sorry" is not a sarcastic word?

>> AJ: Growing up in my house,

it was.

I'm sorry.

Shep... Jess...

I know I can be a handful at

times and I am not always the

most punctual.

I dinged your car that one time,

and, uh, I'm sorry that I, uh,

left you that little surprise in

your guest bathroom.

>> LINA (clears throat): AJ, I

am so sorry, I love you, but I

need to go.

>> AJ: Wait, no, no, I haven't

apologized yet.

>> LINA: I forgive you.

>> AJ: No. No, no, no, no.

That's not how this works.

You don't forgive me before I

apologize, all right?

That's putting the cart before

the horse, and that's...

>> LINA: Russ, let's go.

>> RUSS: No.

>> AJ: No, no, no, you can't

take him.

>> JESS: If you really want to

leave, we can give you a ride home. >> LINA: He's not going home

with you, he's coming with me.

>> JESS: Hey, you know what?

You're being a little bit

controlling, and this isn't

about you.

>> LINA: Don't.

>> JESS: Don't what?

>> LINA: Don't say shit, or I will go.

>> JESS: I am not afraid of you,

Lina.

Please, bring it on.

>> LINA: Okay, fine. I think you

need to spend a little more time

worrying about your own marriage

and be less involved in mine.

>> JESS: Meaning what?

>> LINA: Meaning that your

husband eats dinner alone every

night with the nanny, and your

son only speaks Spanish.

>> SHEPARD: Uh... Spanish, it's

a beautiful language, Spanish.

>> AJ: I wish I knew how to speak Spanish.

>> RUSS: You should come down to

Costa Rica with us and then we

could all speak Spanish.

>> JESS: Just let it go, man.

She's not gonna want to bang you

in Costa Rica, either-- she

flat-out does not want to do it.

>> SHEPARD: I think you can stop now.

>> JESS: And she doesn't even...

>> LINA: No, it's okay.

She's right, she's right.

I am not gonna change, no matter

where I live.

So, honey, I don't think it's a

different country that you want.

I think it's a different person.

>> RUSS: Oh, please.

(indistinct chatter)

>> AJ: Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I am the one who is addicted to

drugs and alcohol here, okay.

Can we please bring it back to

me?

You want to know what I'm sorry

about?

That I invited you assholes here

in the first place.

>> SHEPARD: I love Family Day.

>> LINA: Hey.

Good morning.

>> RUSS: Mm.

>> LINA: I read your book.

>> RUSS: What book?

>> LINA: About the idiot who

makes his whole entire family

travel around the world with

him.

>> RUSS: Oh, you did?

>> LINA: You've been pulling

out of my nightstand and putting

on my pillow ever single night.

Yeah.

>> RUSS: That's awesome.

Okay.

And?

>> LINA: Thought it was

well-written.

But the part in Iceland, I

thought... was really scary.

>> RUSS: Uh-huh.

>> LINA: Right?

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> LINA: I mean, that's what I'm

worried about, you know?

>> RUSS: Yeah, that was

terrifying.

>> LINA: What part of it?

>> RUSS: The same part.

When they do that, uh...

They, you know...

The part where the...

The scary part where they do...

They go through the thing.

>> LINA: Holy shit.

You didn't even finish it, did

you?

>> RUSS: I finished some of it.

I'm not a reader.

>> LINA: You're not a planner,

either.

You know if we do this, I am

gonna end up doing everything.

I'm gonna have to find a house

and find a school and find a

pediatrician.

>> RUSS: That's not true.

>> LINA: Yeah, it is, yes.

>> RUSS: I would do some of that

stuff.

>> LINA: No, you wouldn't.

You wouldn't.

>> RUSS: You're better at it

than I am.

I could carry the luggage.

>> LINA: You could carry the

luggage.

>> RUSS: So what do you think?

I mean...

>> LINA: I think, um...

>> RUSS: Are you... into it?

>> LINA: No, I wouldn't say I'm

into it.

I'm... open to it.

>> RUSS: You wouldn't have

brought this up if there wasn't

a piece of you that was into it.

>> LINA (quietly): I'm a little

bit into it.

>> RUSS: It'll be so good.

(doorbell rings)

>> AJ (laughing): Hey.

>> RUSS: Hey! There he is.

>> AJ: Good to see you, man.

>> RUSS: Good to see you.

>> AJ: Hey, look-- I got my

weekends back.

>> RUSS: Hi, Caitlin.

You're looking good, man.

>> AJ: Thanks.

I'm running again.

>> RUSS: Nice.

>> BERNIE: Cool.

>> AJ: You ever hear of the

runner's high?

>> BERNIE: Yeah. How is that?

>> AJ: Not as good, man.

Not as good.

>> BERNIE: Oh.

>> JESS: Mm.

Ooh.

(baby fussing)

Tomato time?

What do you think?

So it looks like you guys are

staying put.

>> LINA: Yeah. The new owners

decided they want to wait a

while to build, so we can stay

for now.

We're on a month-to-month.

>> JESS: That's good, yeah?

>> LINA: Mm-hmm, yeah, it is

good.

And every night after we put the

girls to bed, Russ and I stay up

and go online and plan our

escape to Costa Rica.

>> JESS: Yeah, mm-hmm.

I get it.

>> LINA: What about some nap

time?

>> JESS: I'm gonna tuck him in

with this tomato.

>> RUSS: Here you go.

Yo.

>> BERNIE: You made 'em too

small.

>> RUSS: No, I did not.

>> JESS: Are you having another

hamburger?

>> SHEPARD: Okay, first of all,

it's a slider.

>> JESS: Yeah.

>> SHEPARD: Second of all, shut

up.

>> JESS: He's trying to eat his

way out of our marriage.

>> SHEPARD: I heard that.

>> JESS: I know you did.

Maybe just try not to die before

the bar mitzvah.

>> SHEPARD: No, no, no, no.

I got it all planned out.

>> JESS: Hmm.

>> RUSS: What, the bar mitzvah?

>> SHEPARD: No. My death.

>> JESS: Nobody wants to hear

about your death.

>> SHEPARD: Oh, you know, she

just wants to hear about

the insurance.

>> RUSS: I would like to hear

about your death.

>> LINA: I want to hear about

your death.

>> AJ: Yeah, I freaking love

death fantasies.

>> SHEPARD: All right, well,

here's what's gonna happen.

You know, uh, Leaving Las

Vegas when Nick Cage goes to

Vegas, and he drinks himself to

death?

>> AJ AND RUSS: Yeah.

>> SHEPARD: So, mine is like

that, but instead of Vegas, I go

to Memphis, and instead of

booze, it's brisket.

But the idea is the same.

>> BERNIE: Okay, that's good.

>> AJ: Good stuff.

>> RUSS: Everything in

moderation.

>> JESS: Yeah, I'm gonna OD old

school.

>> AJ: Oh, yeah?

>> JESS: The kids come in, they

find Mommy choking on her own

vomit. Done.

>> RUSS: Good times.

>> LINA: Yeah, it's kind of

glamorous in a way.

>> BERNIE: Rock and roll.

>> SHEPARD: So sweet, honey.

>> LINA: You just said "kids,"

more than one.

>> JESS: I did. We're trying.

>> LINA: Oh, that's good.

>> JESS: Yeah, you know, I was

thinking, now when you judge me

for being a bad mother, you can

make me feel twice as shitty.

>> LINA: Okay, all right.

>> JESS: I'm doing it for you.

>> LINA: Thank you.

>> JESS: I'm doing it for you.

>> LINA: That's really

considerate.

>> JESS (laughing): Yeah.

>> LINA: You are never going to

let me forget that, are you?

>> JESS: No.

>> RUSS: Yeah, I bet AJ's got a

good death story. AJ?

>> SHEPARD: Hmm.

>> AJ: Oh. Oh.

You think so?

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> BERNIE: I'll hear it.

>> AJ: Oh, I do.

>> SHEPARD: It's gonna be good.

>> AJ: So, I'm running in the

canyon the other day, and I see

this giant, gigantic pile of

horseshit.

>> BERNIE: Mm.

>> AJ: Must have been a 30-pound

dump.

And I think to myself, how great

would it be to be responsible

for something that substantial,

right?

>> RUSS: Wait. So, what's the

death part, then?

>> AJ: I shit my brains out.

Literally.

And not just my brains.

All of my vital organs-- liver,

kidneys, heart, you name it.

Everything that is inside of me

comes out of me.

I mean, how cool would that be?

>> SHEPARD: Mm.

>> AJ: For one split second to

see your beating heart in the

toilet.

And then you die with a smile on

your face, because you know you

finally did something

meaningful.

>> SHEPARD: Okay, um, I don't

want this anymore.

(laughter)

>> RUSS: That is gonna be, uh,

tough to follow.

>> LINA: Impossible.

>> RUSS: What about you, babe?

>> LINA: Me?

>> RUSS: Yeah, let's hear it.

>> LINA: All right, well, the

girls are gone, they're in

college, they're good.

No one's pregnant, no one's

working the pole.

Cheers.

Um, we sell the house, and we...

>> RUSS: Uh, wait.

What house?

>> LINA: It's my fantasy.

In my fantasy, we own a house.

>> RUSS: Oh, all right.

>> LINA: Okay? We sell the

house, and travel the whole

world.

And we see all the places

together that we always talked

about seeing.

And then, when we're done,

murder, suicide.

>> RUSS: Ah.

(people exclaim)

>> BERNIE: That's kind of

perfect.

>> RUSS: You want to die

together?

>> LINA: Baby, there's no one

I want to die next to but you.

>> RUSS: Oh, you're the only

person I want to be murdered by.

>> ALL: Aw.

>> SHEPARD: That's so sweet.

>> JESS: It's great.

You guys are so cute.

>> SHEPARD: How come you never

offered to murder me?

>> BERNIE: Anyone want to know

how I want to die?

>> SHEPARD: Yes.

>> BERNIE: Okay.

>> AJ: Huh?

>> LINA: Choke yourself to

death.

>> SHEPARD: Necktie?

>> JESS: What's that?

>> BERNIE: Sex accident.

(laughter)

>> JESS: Yeah, yeah.

>> AJ: Okay. No.

>> BERNIE: Choking during sex.

>> JESS: Sex accident-- yeah,

yeah, that's good.

>> SHEPARD: Sex accident.

Sex accident.

>> RUSS: Can I change mine?

>> LINA: No.