Original subtitles

(door opens)

(door closes)

>> LINA: Hey.

Working late again?

>> RUSS: Uh, yeah.

>> LINA: It's kind of really

late.

>> RUSS: Yup, I was, uh, just

working on some of my own stuff.

>> LINA: Hmm.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> LINA: Cool.

>> RUSS: Mm-hmm.

Um, how are you?

How are the girls?

>> LINA: I spent my evening

pulling shit out of a dog's ass.

>> RUSS: Oh, for fun?

Or...

>> LINA: His anal glands were

compacted.

How was your day?

>> RUSS: Like pulling shit out

of a dog's ass.

>> ELLA: Your wife is rude.

>> RUSS: Tell me about it.

You know, she wasn't always this

rude.

Like, before you were born, she

was actually kind of cool.

>> ELLA: What happened?

>> RUSS: We broke her.

And now we are all paying for

it.

>> ELLA: She's refusing to get

me a Halloween costume.

>> RUSS: Really?

>> ELLA: Really.

>> RUSS: That is rude.

>> LINA: Are you freaking

kidding me?

That's what she said, that I

refused?

>> LINA: First she wants to be a

bee, then she wants to be a

hippie, now she wants to be a

pirate.

How many costumes am I supposed

to buy?

>> RUSS: So just buy her the

pirate costume.

>> LINA: You buy her the pirate

>> RUSS: I can't, I have AJ's

thing tomorrow.

>> LINA: I have lunch with Eva.

>> RUSS: Eva's in town?

>> LINA: Really?

>> RUSS: What?

>> LINA: I told you, like, 17

times last week that my best

friend was coming to town for a

week and that she has one window

that she can see me for lunch

and it's tomorrow and I'm gonna

drive half the day to do it.

>> RUSS: So what do you want to

do about the pirate costume?

>> LINA: If I buy it, she won't

appreciate it.

I should get it for her.

>> RUSS: Oh, get it, don't get

it-- I don't care.

Sorry.

(door closes)

>> SHEPARD: Today's the big

day, huh?

>> RUSS: Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, I got AJ into this

very cool facility.

>> SHEPARD: Very good.

'Cause that guy could use a

vacation.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

Couldn't we all?

Hi.

>> JESS: Hi.

Mwah.

Uh, you forgot to buy

toilet paper again.

>> SHEPARD: (soft chuckle)

Well, then you forgot to remind

me again.

>> JESS: Okay, well, maybe

that's because one of us has a

job and the other one doesn't.

>> SHEPARD: Okay, you know, I

love when you emasculate me in

front of company.

>> JESS: Okay.

>> SHEPARD: Do some more, do

some more.

>> JESS: No, I'm sorry for you,

I really am.

One minute.

>> SHEPARD: Hmm.

>> RUSS: Good times.

>> SHEPARD: You have any idea

what time you'll be back?

>> JESS: No.

I have work drinks tonight.

>> SHEPARD: Okay, you got work

drinks.

I got you, you got work drinks.

She has drinks every night and

then I end up eating supper

alone with the nanny.

>> RUSS: Does Victoria speak

English or...?

>> SHEPARD: You know what, I'm

not really sure.

She seems to smile and she

laughs on cue.

'Cause, really, what more do I

need?

>> RUSS: Oh, sounds fun.

Shit.

Hey.

>> AJ: Bagels, anyone?

>> JESS: Oh, man.

>> RUSS: You don't look packed.

>> AJ: Come on, come inside.

(Russ sighs)

My assistant's coming by later.

She's on it.

>> JESS: No, not later.

No, no, no, we don't have all

day to do this.

>> RUSS: Yeah, dude, come on.

We took off work for this.

>> AJ: Oh, man, you think they

got bagels in the big house?

>> RUSS: You're not going to

jail.

>> JESS (chuckling): Jesus.

>> AJ: Oh, jail, rehab.

Same shit.

>> RUSS: Look, I know this is

hard, okay?

But you got to get your

suitcase, all right?

We got to go.

>> AJ: How about I go tomorrow,

and the three of us just kick it

today?

I have all these drugs... Huh?

We should go through them so

they're not here when I get

back.

I don't need that temptation,

you know?

>> RUSS: We got to get this

moving here, okay, so can you

go get packed?

Please?

>> AJ: You're a buzzkill.

Fine.

(phone rings)

>> RUSS: Hey.

>> LINA: How's it going?

>> RUSS: I'm helping a grown man

pack.

>> LINA: I help you pack all the

time.

>> RUSS: That must be why you

hate me.

>> LINA: I hate you?

Lately it seems like you hate

me.

>> RUSS: What?

I don't... That's crazy.

>> LINA: Anyway, look, I think I

want to get Ella the pirate

costume.

>> RUSS: I thought you said she

won't appreciate it.

>> LINA: She won't, but she's

almost 12, and I feel like this

is the last Halloween she'll

trick-or-treat with the family.

>> RUSS: Right, okay.

>> LINA: Can you do it, because

by the time I get over the hill

I won't have time.

>> RUSS: I...

Sure.

Sure.

>> LINA: I have to go.

Eva's here.

Later.

>> RUSS: Okay, bye.

(Lina laughs)

>> EVA: Oh, my gosh.

>> LINA: How are you?

>> EVA: It's good to see you.

>> LINA: You, too.

>> EVA: How's things?

How's everything with Russ?

>> LINA: Well, they've been

better.

>> RUSS: So, what kind of work

drinks do you have tonight?

(Jess laughs)

So full of shit.

>> JESS: I don't have work

drinks.

(fake chuckle)

It's a Halloween party in the

hills.

>> RUSS: (laughs)

Yeah, he said you've been going

out a lot lately.

>> JESS: I'm not doing anything

shady, I'm just going out and

having fun and dancing.

Shep falls asleep every night at

9:00 p.m. in front of the TV.

Oh, you never go out?

You're so good, right, you're

perfect?

God, let me get a closer look at

you; you are perfect.

>> RUSS: I did not say that.

I'm in the same exact boat.

Some nights I go out with the

kids from the, uh, store.

You know, we go to the bar and I

tell Lina that I'm working on my

designs.

And the truth is I haven't

worked on any of my own shit in

months.

>> JESS: Sometimes you need to

lie.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

What is taking him so long?

Seriously.

He said he'd be right out.

>> JESS: He lied.

>> RUSS: AJ, let's go.

(heavy scraping)

(knocking)

AJ.

>> JESS: Hello?

(groans)

>> RUSS: Oh, son of a bitch.

AJ!

Hey, come on!

What are you doing?!

>> JESS: We have a runner.

>> RUSS: Come on!

I don't need this shit.

>> RUSS: (groans) This is so

annoying.

I can't believe he just did

this.

>> JESS: You know what, though,

he's not gonna get very far

without the keys.

>> RUSS: That is true.

That was very well done on your

part.

>> JESS: Yeah. You know, it's

actually this trick that I used

to do, like, with all of the

addicts that I've dated.

>> RUSS: You did date a lot of

addicts.

>> JESS: Yeah, it's kind of my

type.

>> RUSS: I can't believe you

ended up with Shep.

He's so straight.

>> JESS: Yeah, well, I needed

someone to take the wheel.

Which is exactly why you and I

could never be together.

>> RUSS: Yeah, we're looking for

our friend to take him to rehab

while we smoke a joint.

>> JESS: That's a bad...

(chuckles) that's a bad couple.

>> RUSS: That is a bad couple.

>> JESS: Or such a cool couple.

>> RUSS: Is that him?

That's him right there.

Pull over. Pull over right here.

>> AJ: I just wanted to say

good-bye to my favorite barista.

>> JESS: Yeah.

No, he's really gonna miss you.

>> AJ: I tip really well.

He is really gonna miss me.

>> RUSS: Just get in the car.

>> AJ: Let my guy make you a

mocha.

>> RUSS: Just get in the car.

>> JESS: Nobody wants a mocha.

>> AJ: Fine. It's your loss.

He makes the best mocha.

>> JESS: Okay.

>> LINA: We're not connecting

anymore, you know?

And by the end of the day, when

we finally all, like...

>> EVA: Oh, my God.

Lina, I am so sorry.

I just have to have a quick cup

of coffee with Parker here.

Look, it'll just... it'll-it'll

take a couple minutes.

>> LINA: Oh. Okay.

>> PARKER: Sorry to interrupt.

>> LINA: Sure.

Do you want me to move?

>> AJ: What the hell is this?

Am I rehabbing at a Dollar

Store?

>> RUSS: No, I just got to do

some shopping.

I got to get Ella a pirate

costume.

>> AJ: Guys, maybe rehab isn't

the answer for me.

>> RUSS: Dude.

>> JESS: You're going to rehab.

>> AJ: Do I have a private room?

>> RUSS: Yes.

>> AJ: Do I have a private

bathroom?

>> RUSS: Yes.

>> AJ: I wonder if I get a bidet

'cause I like to be clean.

>> JESS: (groans) No.

All right, well, what size

pirate is she?

>> RUSS: Uh, I don't have any

idea.

She's almost 12, so...

>> JESS: She is?

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> JESS: God.

>> RUSS: I know.

I think this is the last year

that she's gonna trick-or-treat

with us.

>> JESS: Oh.

Did she have her period yet?

>> RUSS: No, don't, okay?

I don't know.

The doctor said it could be any

minute.

>> JESS: Ooh, you're gonna get

those boobs and pubes in your

house.

>> RUSS: Stop it, okay?

I can't even get my head around

that.

>> JESS: Here we go. Look.

You're done. Pirate.

>> RUSS: What is that?

>> JESS: And you're welcome.

It's a pirate costume.

>> RUSS: No, it's a sexy pirate.

>> AJ: It's a slutty pirate.

>> RUSS: I just said she's 12.

That's way too much, Jess.

>> AJ: That's a dirty, dirty

pirate.

>> JESS: I'm sorry, but this is

L.A.-- this is what kids wear.

>> AJ: A pirate that dresses

like that has daddy issues.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

Why are there no classy pirate

costumes here?

She's just gonna have to be the

bee or the hippie, I guess.

>> AJ: I just had a thought.

What if Caitlin grows up to be a

slutty pirate?

What if I'm one of these

whore-making dads?

>> RUSS: No.

You're-you're a good dad, okay?

She's gonna be fine.

>> AJ: Right.

That's why I got to stay home

and I got to take care of my

kid, 'cause I'm a good dad.

>> JESS: No.

>> RUSS: No, that's not what I

said.

You're gonna go to rehab so that

you can become a better dad.

>> AJ: Right.

A better dad.

>> JESS: Yeah.

>> AJ: Rehab.

We just got to make a quick stop

at my office first, though.

(Jess groans)

>> RUSS: What?

All right, you get five minutes,

all right?

That's it. I'm serious.

>> AJ: All right, all right.

Relax, Dad.

I just have to go upstairs and

say good-bye to my work family

and pick up some socks.

(tapping)

Hey, Gillian.

>> GILLIAN: Hi.

(pills rattling)

>> AJ: Ah, they sound comfy.

>> GILLIAN: Just like you

ordered.

>> AJ: Yeah.

>> GILLIAN: The guy I got them

from said not to wear the socks

on an empty stomach.

>> AJ: Hey, got to always listen

to the sock man, right?

>> GILLIAN: Just be careful.

>> AJ: Hey, uh, where is

everybody?

Richard and Abby are...

They're not in their offices.

>> GILLIAN: Um, they are in the

partner meeting.

>> AJ: Partner meeting?

>> GILLIAN: Mm-hmm.

>> AJ: But I'm one of the

>> GILLIAN: I know. It's just...

>> AJ: So how can they have a

partner meeting without me, if

I'm one of the partners?

That doesn't make any sense.

>> GILLIAN: Well, you weren't

coming in today.

>> AJ: So I'm not one of the

partners anymore, huh?

>> GILLIAN: No, of course you

are.

>> AJ: Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

No, you're right! You're right!

I'm a founding partner!

(whistling)

>> GILLIAN: You know, I really

don't think this is such a good

idea.

Why don't we just go to lunch or

something.

AJ?

Good luck.

>> AJ: Hey, guys.

How's it going?

Hey, uh, I got a little

something I want to say to you.

(muffled): Are you insane?!

Are you out of your minds?!

This-- mine, mine, this is all

mine!

I started this company!

(speaking indistinctly)

...on your skulls after I remove

your brains!

(Eva speaking indistinctly)

>> LINA: Um, you know what, I

think, uh... I think I'm gonna

get going.

I'll just see you next time

you're in town.

>> EVA: Lina, just hang on

one s...

(phone ringing)

Uh, I have to get this.

>> LINA: Sure.

>> EVA: Can you just hang on one

second?

>> LINA: No, it's fine, it's

fine.

It was nice to meet you.

Good luck with your, um,

important meeting.

>> EVA: (sighs) Hey.

I am so sorry.

Look, I'm only in town for a

couple days and I overbooked.

Are you okay?

>> LINA: (sniffles) No.

>> EVA: Should we go get a

drink?

>> LINA: I just gave the guy my

ticket.

>> EVA: I'll take care of it.

Come on.

>> GILLIAN: Everything's fine.

I shouldn't have called you

guys, uh... I just got scared.

>> JESS: Why, what happened?

>> GILLIAN: The partners had AJ

escorted out of the building.

After everything that he's done

for them, it's so ungrateful.

Right?

>> RUSS: What did he do?

>> GILLIAN: Nobody got hurt.

AJ got a tiny bit violent.

>> JESS: Uh-huh.

>> GILLIAN: But he wanted me to

tell you guys that rehab can

wait, because things are a

little intense right now with

the new firm.

>> JESS: The new firm?

>> GILLIAN: We're starting a new

firm.

I mean, AJ is.

But I'm helping him.

>> JESS: Oh, I'm sure you are,

sweetie.

That's great.

>> GILLIAN: N-No, you guys,

now's really not a good time.

Wait, you guys, um, sorry...

AJ?

>> RUSS: Let's go.

It's time to go.

>> AJ: Gillian, did you explain

to them how busy I am with the

new firm?

>> GILLIAN: I tried.

>> RUSS: Oh, cut the crap.

There is no new firm, okay?

You're going to rehab like you

promised.

>> AJ: Do you have that promise

in writing?

>> RUSS: In a text.

>> AJ: Well, texts are

inadmissible.

You know, anybody can hack that

shit, right?

>> JESS: Oh, my God, you're such

an asshole.

We've been chasing you around

>> RUSS: You know what, don't

worry about it.

I don't care anymore.

I really don't.

Okay, you don't want to go to

rehab?

Don't go, okay?

Who cares that I spent the week

Yelping different facilities,

okay?

Reading reviews of food and-and

fitness centers.

If you want to screw me over and

Jess and this poor girl who's

probably in love with you, go

for it.

>> AJ: Come on, she's not in

love with me.

>> GILLIAN: But you said you

wanted to be with me.

>> AJ: Yeah.

At the new firm.

>> GILLIAN: But what about when

we...

>> AJ: Oh, my God, did we have

sex?

>> GILLIAN: Twice.

>> AJ: Did you like it?

>> GILLIAN: Once.

>> JESS: Oh, wow.

>> AJ: Well.

I guess it's, uh...

it's time for somebody to go to

rehab, huh?

>> LINA: No, I just really

wanted to talk to you because I

can't talk to the other moms

about real stuff.

>> EVA: Okay, well, what's going

on with you and Russ?

>> LINA: He hates his job.

He comes home super late every

night and I can tell that he

doesn't want to be around me.

I don't understand it.

>> EVA: Do you know, sometimes

when I come home at night, I am

such a bitch to Karen.

>> LINA: Okay, but why?

>> EVA: I don't know.

I mean, she's taking care of my

kids, she's washing my clothes.

>> LINA: Yeah.

>> EVA: But sometimes I look at

her and I can't stand her.

Like, all the sacrifices that

she's made for me, I just, I see

them on her face.

It makes me want to slap the

shit out of her.

>> LINA: Really?

(Eva laughs)

I can tell when I walk through

the door.

He looks at me like he wants me

to be his cheerleader or

something.

>> EVA: You know what?

He probably just wants you to

put his dick in your mouth.

(laughs)

>> LINA: I'm a terrible wife.

>> EVA: Hey, stay in the hotel

room with me tonight, come on.

I have an early meeting, but you

can just hang out, get a

massage, charge it to the room.

And then we can really hang out

later.

>> LINA: Yeah, screw it, Russ

can take 'em trick-or-treating.

>> EVA: Mm-hmm.

>> LINA: They don't even care

about me.

(Eva laughs)

They probably won't even notice

if I'm not there.

>> EVA: So you'll stay?

>> LINA: Happy Halloween.

>> RUSS: Hey.

>> LINA: Hi, guys.

>> RUSS: What are you doing

I thought you were, uh, spending

the night at Eva's.

>> LINA: Oh, I didn't really

think you could handle

trick-or-treating on your own.

But I was clearly wrong.

>> RUSS: Clearly.

>> LINA: You got the pirate

costume.

Not bad.

>> ELLA: Hey, guys, Hannah just

texted and asked if I could go

trick-or-treating with them.

Can I?

All my friends are gonna be

there.

Please.

>> RUSS: Uh, sure.

>> ELLA: Really?

>> LINA: I hope she bleeds right

through that pirate costume

tonight.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

Let Hannah's mother find her a

tampon.

>> LINA: And show her how to use

it.

>> MAYA: What's a tampon?

>> RUSS: Uh...

It's kind of like a sponge...

that soaks up stuff.

>> MAYA: What stuff?

>> FRANKIE: Are we done talking

about tampons?

>> LINA: How are we gonna

trick-or-treat when the kids are

too old?

>> RUSS: We won't.

>> LINA: Well, what will we do?

>> RUSS: We'll give out candy.

>> LINA: We're gonna be those

old people giving out candy?

That's depressing.

>> FRANKIE: Look what we've got!

>> LINA: Oh, I want a

Butterfinger.

>> MAYA: Mom.

>> RUSS: Give your mother a

Butterfinger-- she does a lot of

shit for you.

Now.

Give it.

All right, let's keep going.

Come on.

Get something bigger.

>> FRANKIE: We will, Daddy.

>> RUSS: King size.

What was that for?

>> LINA: Standing up for me.

>> RUSS: Hmm.

Well, in that case...

Feeling more than just a kiss.

(Lina laughs)

(horn honks)

>> JESS: Am I too late?

>> SHEPARD: Just in time.

Ooh, you know what?

Back in the car.

>> JESS: What?

>> SHEPARD: Just wait in the

car.

Some neighbors don't hate us

yet.

>> JESS: I look good.

>> SHEPARD: Yes, you do.