Original subtitles

(indistinct talking)

(dog barking)

>> RUSS: What do you want?

>> FRANKIE: I want waffles.

Daddy.

I want waffles, I want waffles,

I want waffles.

>> RUSS: Over easy or sunny side

up?

>> FRANKIE: I want waffles.

>> RUSS: Okay, over easy.

(doorbell rings)

Ugh, that's for you.

>> LINA: Coming!

(rapid knocking)

Hello?

>> REALTOR: Hi, are you guys

ready for the open house?

>> LINA: The open what?

>> REALTOR: Open house.

>> LINA: This is bullshit.

The landlord has to call; you

can't just have an open house.

We live here.

>> RUSS: You need to keep it

down.

>> LINA: It's bullshit!

>> RUSS: Shh!

>> LINA: You have to let your

tenant know.

Did you hide the, um...?

>> RUSS: I hid all the

usual crap.

My weed, your vibrator, your

mom's jewelry, the Polaroids.

>> LINA: The Polaroids?

>> RUSS: They're mine.

Those are mine.

>> LINA: They're of me.

>> RUSS: They're mine.

>> MAN: The kitchen would have

to be gutted.

How disgusting were those bathrooms?

>> WOMAN: They look like they've

never been cleaned.

>> RUSS: They're not that dirty.

>> LINA: Yes, they are.

>> LINA: Here's one-- three

bedrooms.

Cozy. Craftsman style house.

>> RUSS: "Cozy" means tiny.

>> LINA: What about three

bedrooms and a pool.

Oh, wait, never mind, it's an

apartment complex.

Are you watching the kids?

>> RUSS: Yes.

>> LINA: This is so depressing.

I hate renting.

>> RUSS: Why?

We've got total freedom with

renting, you know?

I don't want to be tied down.

>> LINA: We have three kids.

We're tied down.

>> RUSS: Yeah, but what if we

need to, like, leave the country

suddenly, you know?

What if we get jobs in Costa

Rica?

>> LINA: I just want to own

something.

I want to own something before I

die.

I want to die in the place that

I own.

>> RUSS: Got it. Buy a house,

murder you, have sex with your

corpse.

>> DAVID: Oh, hi.

>> JESS: Hi, David.

Do you want to see me?

>> DAVID: Yeah. Come on in.

>> JESS: Yeah.

(locks door)

Am I getting fired?

>> DAVID: What?

>> JESS: 'Cause you just shut

the door and locked it, and I

feel like that means I'm getting

fired.

(David laughs)

Or bent over something.

Am I getting bent over?

>> DAVID: No. Uh, Jess, do you

remember the thing we talked

about before Christmas?

>> JESS: Yes, I do. (gasps)

>> DAVID: Yeah, so...

>> JESS: Are you putting me on

Valerie's team?

That's awesome. Thank you.

>> DAVID: No, actually...

>> JESS: Uh, let me just say,

I've really been thinking about

this, and I feel very ready.

>> DAVID: Stop. The reason I,

uh, called you in here is I need

to... I need to get some

tickets.

You know... eight tickets in row

"C."

>> JESS: Am I being invited or

not invited to something?

>> DAVID (quietly): I need an

eight-ball.

>> JESS: Oh. (laughs) You want

me to get cocaine for you.

You want me to buy drugs for

you.

>> DAVID: Hey, I-I'd love it if

you'd please use code.

>> JESS: Oh, I get it. Okay, um,

eight tickets in row cocaine.

(clicks tongue)

>> DAVID: (laughs nervously)

Okay, thanks. Thank you.

That's it. Great.

>> JESS: Thank you.

>> DAVID: Thanks, yeah, that's

it.

>> JESS: I think it's cool that

he asked me to get the drugs,

because it's like he still

thinks I have that hookup, you

know?

And I like being that girl.

>> RUSS: You're not really a

girl.

>> JESS: Can you ask your

husband to please be nice to me?

I'm going through too much shit

right now to deal with you.

>> LINA: What about a duplex in

Encino?

>> RUSS: Mm. Like that idea.

We get one house, the kids get

another.

That'd be sweet.

Oh, wow.

This is a new direction for AJ.

>> LINA: Way less whore-y than

usual.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> JESS: She might...

even have pubes.

>> RUSS: Retro.

>> CYNTHIA: Hello.

Hi. I'm Cynthia.

>> RUSS: Russ. This is my wife

Lina.

>> CYNTHIA: Nice to meet you.

>> AJ: This is Jess. Hello.

How are you?

>> CYNTHIA: Well, thank God

we're zoned for Carpenter

Elementary, because only three

houses over it's Moorpark.

>> LINA: Oh, yeah, they only got

a seven out of ten.

>> CYNTHIA: Exactly. And we

looked at this other house and

thought about getting a virtual

address.

>> AJ (quietly): She's so

normal.

>> RUSS: That's good, right?

>> AJ: (sighs) Yeah.

Normal makes me hard.

It's my new fetish.

>> JESS: My new fetish is men

with a really leathery skin.

>> AJ: Mm.

>> JESS: I also imagine that the

skin is crispy and hot to the

touch.

I might just want chicken.

(laughs)

>> CYNTHIA: We have to do this

again soon.

>> LINA: Absolutely.

>> CYNTHIA: It's so nice to meet

you both.

>> RUSS: Nice to meet you as

well.

>> CYNTHIA: Bye. Get home safe.

>> RUSS and LINA: You, too.

>> RUSS: All right, can we stop

pretending that we valeted?

>> LINA: Yes.

>> RUSS: Thank you.

>> LINA: Cynthia's cool.

What's her story?

>> RUSS: Uh, her and her husband

are splitting up.

I guess it's sort of ugly.

>> LINA: Oh.

>> RUSS: Mm-hmm.

>> LINA: (gasps) A three-bedroom

in Tarzana just opened up.

>> RUSS: Mm.

Oh... wait, that's right.

AJ mentioned that Cynthia was

selling her place.

>> LINA: Really?

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> LINA: What's she asking?

>> RUSS: More than we can

afford.

>> LINA: Aw.

(AJ hums a tune)

>> AJ: Oh, my God.

You guys are gonna love this

house! (laughs)

>> RUSS: It seems way out of our

range.

>> AJ: No, no, no, no, dude,

it's a divorce sale.

Cynthia and Karl just want to

unload the place.

>> LINA: It's really cute.

>> AJ: This is great for you

guys.

>> RUSS: I just...

>> LINA: We can look.

>> RUSS: We can look, I just...

>> AJ: Hello, Yolanda.

We're here!

It's a complete remodel.

Cathedral ceilings, recessed

lighting.

I mean, you can't get

better than this, right?

>> RUSS: Yeah, we can't afford

this.

>> LINA: Just keep an open

mind; you never know.

>> RUSS: Mm, pretty much know.

>> AJ: Let me show you the

kiddies' room. Great, right?

>> LINA: Honey, the girls could

have their own rooms.

>> RUSS: Oh, great, they should

definitely have their own rooms.

Oh, but, then, I don't know,

where are we gonna put the

butler? You know?

I mean, I guess Maya could share

with the butler, though.

Is that weird?

>> LINA: I hate you.

>> RUSS: Do you think the roof's

gonna be flat enough for the

helipad?

>> AJ: Look, you know, we're

both taking our time out of our

days to do this with you, so

just have a better attitude.

>> LINA: Honey, this could be

your office!

>> RUSS: Sure, why not?

>> AJ: Yeah. And what is Karl's

shit doing inside your office,

huh? Yech!

>> LINA: Okay, if we cash in

your 401(k) from your old job

and we get another loan from my

mom...

>> RUSS: We still won't have enough.

>> LINA: What if you go to work

full-time for Bernie?

>> RUSS: Which I'm not gonna do.

>> AJ: Guys, I can help.

What's the use of having money

if you can't help your friends?

>> LINA: When is it available?

(AJ sighs)

>> AJ: I wish I knew, man.

She won't give me a straight

answer.

>> RUSS: Wait, so the house

might not actually be for sale?

>> AJ: Who knows?

It's not fair to me, it's not

fair to Karl, it's not fair to

you guys-- we're all victims

here.

>> LINA: So the house might be

for sale.

>> LINA: So what's the deal with

Cynthia?

Is she getting divorced or not?

>> AJ: She keeps saying, "We'll

be together soon, we'll be

together soon."

What does "soon" mean?

Is she talking about five years?

Seven years?

You know?

When she gets with me, I still

want to be able to get it up.

>> RUSS: I think we are done

here.

>> LINA: We're not done.

>> RUSS: Yes, we are.

>> LINA: We're not done.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> LINA: I love that house.

>> RUSS: I know, but maybe this

is a sign.

That house ruined Cynthia's

marriage.

>> LINA: The house didn't ruin

their marriage.

>> RUSS: She and Karl bought a

big house, and now they are

getting a divorce.

Coincidence?

>> LINA: Yes.

>> DINO: Jess?

>> JESS: Hey, Dino.

>> DINO: Damn, you look fine.

No, I'm-I'm out of the life.

Have been for a while.

>> JESS: You're taking a break?

>> DINO: No, I'm done dealing

forever.

>> JESS: (chuckles) Did you get

busted, Dino?

>> DINO: No, I was too good for

that.

(Jess laughs)

I just realized that slinging

wasn't getting me anywhere.

I'm all about hospitality now,

you know what I'm saying?

>> JESS: I don't.

I... am so...

So this is not a front?

>> DINO: This is a career.

>> JESS: Okay. All right.

>> DINO: Look, the only thing

I'm dealing now is an

exceptional guest experience.

I realized I had to think about

a life path, you know?

Career and shit.

>> JESS: Totally.

I'm just doing this for my boss.

>> DINO: Oh. So you can relate.

You're not somebody he respects.

You're just another hustler.

Hurts, right?

>> JESS: I don't think that he

thinks of me like that.

>> DINO: I hated it when people

only hit me up when they needed

drugs.

You know, some of the people I

was dealing to didn't even know

I had kids.

>> JESS: Oh, yeah.

Uh, they don't? That's...

Wha...

How are your... those kids?

>> DINO: Good. Good.

>> JESS: Good.

>> DINO: Two more reasons why I

stopped pushing the powder.

>> JESS: That's nice.

Cool.

So you've just totally severed

from that world or...

Do you know anybody who still

does... push the powder?

Or... I don't know what to say.

>> DINO: I-I gave it up

completely.

>> JESS: I know, but did you,

like, say good-bye to all of

your friends?

>> DINO: Am I not making myself

clear?

>> LINA: Russ?

>> RUSS (groggily): Huh?

>> LINA: Are you awake?

>> RUSS: Huh?

>> LINA: Russ.

>> RUSS: What?

>> LINA: I can't stop thinking

about that house.

>> RUSS: Huh?

You want to fool around?

>> LINA: Are you even listening

to me?

>> RUSS: (groans) Say it back

again.

>> LINA: What?

>> RUSS: You.

Every time we need a new place

to live, you get crazy.

>> LINA: Well, maybe that's

because we never live anywhere

for more than three years.

>> RUSS: You realize that every

time you say that, it makes me

feel like a total loser,

because I don't make enough

money to buy us a house.

>> LINA: You're not a loser

'cause you can't afford

anything.

You're a loser for different

reasons.

AJ said he would help.

>> RUSS: I don't want AJ's help.

Wait, have you guys been

texting?

>> LINA: That house is perfect

for us.

>> RUSS: We don't even know if

that house is for sale, Lina.

>> LINA: Let's find out.

We are really worried about AJ.

We just don't want to see him

get hurt.

Well, he said you had made some

promises to him, that you two

would be together soon.

>> CYNTHIA: Well, that's the

hope.

>> LINA: Yeah. Right.

So how soon are you thinking?

You know, because AJ's not

getting any younger.

And it's not fair to him.

Or to you.

Or Karl.

>> CYNTHIA: It's tricky.

>> LINA: AJ really cares about

you.

Right, honey?

>> RUSS: Uh, yeah.

No, he's-he's totally into you.

>> CYNTHIA: He's been a really

great friend throughout this

whole thing.

>> LINA: The divorce?

Is that the-the thing you're

talking about?

>> CYNTHIA: Okay, here's the

deal...

(phone rings)

Oh, shit.

This is Karl.

I have to get this. I'm sorry.

>> LINA: Yeah, of course.

>> CYNTHIA: What? Why?

You never listen to a goddamn

thing I say.

No, I don't want to see you.

Honestly I don't want to ever

see you ever again.

The thought of seeing you

disgusts me.

When you touch me, it-it makes

me want to vomit all over you.

Yeah, that's how I feel...

>> LINA: This is amazing.

>> RUSS: What?

>> LINA: You hear the way she's

talking to him?

>> RUSS: Yeah, it sounds like

how you talk to me.

>> LINA: She doesn't love him

anymore.

>> RUSS: Huh.

What are you saying?

>> CYNTHIA: That's why our sex

wasn't good...

>> RUSS: Hey.

Isn't it possible that they

might actually stay together?

>> LINA: Why are you being so

negative?

>> RUSS: Because we're trying to

buy a divorce house from a

couple that might not get

divorced.

>> LINA: Maya, come here.

Your father doesn't believe that

Nicole's parents are having

problems, so you need to do a

little recon.

(phone ringing)

>> MAYA: How do you play recon?

>> RUSS: (groans) AJ.

>> MAYA: She likes purple, she

hates Bieber, and they might get

a Labradoodle.

>> LINA: What about the parents?

>> MAYA: Mom wants the dog.

Dad's allergic.

>> LINA: (sighs) Is there

anything else about the dad?

>> MAYA: Sometimes he sleeps on

the sofa.

>> LINA: Perfect. See?

That's how you play recon.

>> MAYA: That game's stupid.

>> LINA: You're stupid.

>> RUSS: What?

Hey.

>> AJ: Dude, I am totally

closing the deal for you guys.

>> RUSS: Look, we appreciate the

help, but I don't think this is

gonna work out.

>> AJ: It's already done.

>> RUSS: What is this?

>> AJ: Karl's tax return.

Somebody forgot to declare

income on a rental property.

You know, income tax, man--

that's what brought down Capone.

>> RUSS: AJ, I don't...

Honestly, I don't know what to

do with this.

>> AJ: Hey.

Lina and I are on the same page

with this.

Get with the program.

>> RUSS: What... program?

>> RUSS: Okay, this is crazy.

We need to go home.

>> LINA: We can't let an

opportunity like this slip away.

Why should someone else get this

house?

Why? I don't understand.

We need a two-car garage.

>> RUSS: Why? We have one car.

>> LINA: For now we have one

car, but...

>> RUSS: Uh...

>> LINA: Oh, and guess what

else I just found out.

Karl's sleeping on the couch.

>> RUSS: So what?

I sleep on the couch.

It doesn't mean we're getting

divorced.

>> LINA: She wants this to end.

She's vulnerable, she's angry.

So, like, this is perfect.

We're coming in at the perfect

moment in her life.

Your best friend is in love with

her, and we need a house.

We need a house!

>> RUSS: You've kind of lost it

at this point.

>> LINA: No, I haven't.

Cynthia and Karl just need a

little push.

>> RUSS: We shouldn't be pushing

anybody into anything.

>> LINA: Look, the only way to

get a house in Los Angeles is to

either get rich or get lucky,

and honestly, honey, I don't see

us getting rich anytime soon.

>> RUSS: Hey, I'm... I'm working

on some stuff.

>> LINA: What stuff?

>> RUSS: Uh, it's...

not... it's a nascent...

>> LINA: And it's gonna make us

rich?

>> RUSS: Yeah, it can.

Or it can, you know, certainly

lead to other... things that

could be profitable.

(Lina fake snoring)

It's-it's just got...

(groans)

Fine. What do you want me to do?

>> LINA: Oh, man, I don't even

know what to say.

I am so sorry that you are

dealing with this right now.

I'm glad that you're not alone,

though.

I'm glad that we're here for you.

>> CYNTHIA: I feel horrible for

dragging you into this.

>> LINA: Oh, no, don't at all.

>> RUSS: No.

>> LINA: What's important right

now is-is the children, you

know, that they have a fresh

start.

>> RUSS: Yeah. Yeah, they need a

fresh start.

>> LINA: Clear out the bad

memories, get rid of the bad,

stale air with a new house.

>> RUSS: Yeah, the air.

>> LINA: You need to sell this

house... and start... over...

>> CYNTHIA: I don't know, maybe

we should try counseling first.

>> RUSS: Oh, yeah, counseling

can be good, too.

You know, except for the fact

that it's... usually, like, a

scam.

It just delays the inevitable.

You know, you're at the

inevitable-- it's over.

>> LINA: And honestly, I...

(sighs) feel like you and AJ are

really good together.

>> RUSS: Mm-hmm.

>> LINA: I feel like you're

gonna make it.

>> RUSS: Yeah. He doesn't have

any tax problems.

And that's what's... a lot of

times the most important piece

of the relationship, is the tax

stuff.

>> AMIR: We need to talk.

About Cynthia.

>> AJ: (chuckles) Why?

What about her?

>> AMIR: She's married, man.

>> AJ: Okay, I get the picture.

Do what you're gonna do, man.

Break my legs, knock out my

teeth, cut my tongue out and

shove it up my ass.

>> AMIR: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

>> AJ: You can tell Karl it's

gonna take a lot more than one

of his thugs to tear us apart.

>> AMIR: Listen, man, I'm not a

tough guy.

I'm here as a friend.

And Karl didn't send me.

Cynthia did.

>> AJ: What?

>> AMIR: We are friends, old

friends-- you know, we went to

school together.

>> AJ (chuckles): Oh, nice try.

>> AMIR: No, seriously, man.

Here, she wants me to give you

back your key.

And talk some sense into you.

Her and Karl are trying to work

things out.

She just want to be left alone.

>> AJ: She said that we were

gonna be together.

>> AMIR: She said.

People say things, you know?

Like, she-she lied.

>> AJ: But we were supposed to

be together.

(Jess sniffs)

>> JESS: Hi, David.

>> DAVID: Hey, Jess.

>> JESS: Uh, I need to talk to

you about those tickets.

The tickets that you were

looking for.

>> DAVID: Oh, yeah, good.

>> JESS: No. Row "C" is

completely sold out.

>> DAVID: Oh. Shit.

>> JESS: And... while I have

you, I just want to say that...

I really would prefer if you

don't ask me about this kind of

stuff again.

>> DAVID: Oh.

>> JESS: You know, and it's

really unprofessional.

(whispers): Because also, I'm a

mom.

You know?

And it's... it's offensive and

difficult for me that you think

of me as, um... a hustler.

I'm not the girl that you go to

to look for your booger sugar.

>> DAVID: I get it.

>> JESS: I'm the woman that

works in your office.

And I deserve to be on Valerie's

team.

>> DAVID: Yeah.

>> AJ (singsongy): Congrats on

the promotion.

So happy for you.

(sniffs)

Mmm, mmm.

>> JESS: Calm down.

>> AJ: Calm down?

>> JESS: That wasn't easy to

get.

>> AJ: Oh, really?

>> JESS: Yeah.

>> AJ (chuckles): Sorry.

(Jess laughs)

Seriously, I'm proud of you.

>> JESS: Thank you. (sniffs)

Sorry about Cynthia.

>> AJ: Yeah. I really thought we

were gonna make it work.

>> JESS: Mm.

>> AJ: Seemed so... real.

>> JESS: Well, I hope Karl beats

her.

(AJ sniffs)

>> AJ: Not cool.

>> JESS: Sorry.

But if he does, I hope he does

it in front of the kids.

>> AJ: Well... well, is there

any other way to do it?

>> JESS: No. If you're gonna do

it, make your mark.

>> RUSS: Lina?

Lina?

>> LINA: Hmm?

>> RUSS: You awake?

>> LINA: Mm-mm.

>> RUSS: Sorry about the house.

I feel bad that I haven't been

able to... buy the house that

you want.

I know I got to make more money.

>> LINA: I got to get a job.

>> RUSS: No, you don't.

>> LINA: Yes, I do.

>> RUSS: I mean, it

wouldn't hurt, you know.

It's just...

I'm gonna bust my ass until we

have enough money to own our own

place.

>> LINA: It's okay.

I think I like renting better

than owning.

>> RUSS: Really?

>> LINA: Yeah.

Houses are a lot of work.

And if something breaks...

who's gonna fix it, you?

(both laughing)

>> RUSS: Not a chance.

>> LINA: Let's face it, baby...

we're renters.

(golf announcer speaking

indistinctly)

>> AJ: You feel like Mexican

tonight?

>> AMIR: Anything but pizza.

>> AJ: How about pizza?

>> AMIR: Yeah, sure.