Original subtitles

>> LINA (brushing teeth): You're

going, and that's it.

>> RUSS: Oh, my God.

I got your stupid vasectomy.

Isn't that enough?

>> LINA: No.

You've blown off three follow-up

appointments.

>> RUSS: I don't need a

follow-up visit.

I know that it worked.

>> LINA: How could you possibly

know that?

>> RUSS: Because I... eyeballed

it.

>> LINA: What?

>> RUSS: My stuff.

It's practically clear.

Seriously, you could store

contact lenses in it.

>> LINA: I am moving on.

I'm getting rid of all the baby

stuff from the garage.

Do you think that's easy for me?

>> RUSS: Even that bassinet?

>> LINA: Even the bassinet.

You need to move on, too.

>> RUSS: I just don't want to be

told that I have meaningless

semen.

>> LINA: If you want to get

anywhere near any of this...

you're gonna have to take care

of that.

>> RUSS: I thought you took

lessons.

>> FRANKIE: I'm still scared.

(Frankie whimpers)

>> RUSS: I want a refund, then.

Get this on.

>> GIRL: What are you doing?

Everybody can see you.

>> GIRL 2: What's the big deal?

Nobody's here.

(indistinct chatter, laughter)

>> RUSS: Can I ask you

something?

Am I invisible?

>> SHEPARD: I don't know what that means.

>> LINA: He's been upset because

some girls changed in front of

him.

>> SHEPARD: Say what?

>> AJ: Boobs or beaver?

>> RUSS: That's not the point.

>> SHEPARD: N-No, I-I'm gonna

allow that.

>> RUSS: They didn't care what I

saw.

>> SHEPARD: Oh.

Well, God bless you.

>> AJ: No, no, no.

I see... I see your point, here.

I mean, for all she knows,

you're-you're a rapist.

You're a...

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> AJ: ...sick, sexual maniac

who follows her home, studies

her patterns.

Maybe you borrow a uniform from

an old cop buddy who owes you a

favor.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Rag.

Ether.

Nightmare.

>> RUSS: Yeah, I... I think I-I

was just trying to say, like,

I-I want women to feel

uncomfortable changing around

me.

Is that so much to ask?

>> LINA: I'm uncomfortable

changing in front of you.

(phone ringing)

>> SHEPARD: Tammy. Mind if I...?

>> JESS: Get it?

No, please, get it. Yeah.

>> SHEPARD: Hey, Tammy, what's

up?

Okay.

>> LINA: Who's Tammy?

>> JESS: Tammy is a musician

that Shep has been working with.

>> LINA: So he's getting back

into the music business.

>> JESS: I don't know.

Maybe.

It's just nice to see him, uh,

excited.

It's a nice change from his

super-intense depression.

And I just feel like it's so

great to see him get off the

couch and go to work and...

put on pants.

>> LINA: Right.

>> AJ: Pants are for losers.

>> RUSS: You're wearing pants

right now, dude.

>> LINA: Yeah.

>> AJ: Not up here.

>> SHEPARD: Right.

No, it's on Ventura.

But come around the back.

Right.

And they can, they can set up

whenever they get there.

Yeah, we'll all be there.

All right.

Great.

All right, buddy.

See you tomorrow.

Hey, just got some great

musicians for Tammy's session

tomorrow.

It's gonna sound really, really

good.

>> JESS: Do you know that when

you work, it makes me so hot?

>> SHEPARD: Really?

How hot?

>> JESS: Well, let's say

probably about doggy-style hot.

>> SHEPARD: I-I don't want to

put on the knee brace.

>> JESS: Uh-huh.

>> SHEPARD: 'Cause it pulls.

You know, it's not...

All right, doggy it is.

¶ ¶

>> DIDI: Bowman?

>> RUSS: Hey.

>> DIDI: You have a co-pay of

$550.

>> RUSS: Sounds right.

>> DIDI: You need to pay it.

>> RUSS: Totally.

>> DIDI: Today.

>> RUSS: Oh.

I don't... I don't have that

kind of cash on me.

>> DIDI: Oh, we take

credit cards.

>> RUSS: Well, I have the cards,

but... not the credit.

>> DIDI: You're going

to have to pay the balance of

this procedure.

>> RUSS: Yeah, I'll pay it.

Just not today.

>> DIDI: Let's reschedule, then.

We'll get something on the books

after the payment is all squared

away.

>> RUSS: Okay.

Have a great day.

¶ ¶

>> CHILD: My name is Albert

Einstein and I was born in

Germany in 1879.

I developed the theory of

relativity.

>> RUSS (whispering): Look, it's

not my fault, okay?

We tried. It's over.

>> LINA: Seriously?

What is wrong with you?

>> RUSS: I'm invisible?

>> LINA: Here's what you're going to do.

You're gonna go back in that

office, and write down that

woman's name and scare the shit

out of her.

>> RUSS: How?

>> LINA: Tell her that your wife

already sent the check, and if

they don't see you right away,

that you're gonna stop payment

on it and let it go to

collections.

Tell her that.

>> RUSS: You're getting pretty good at this.

>> LINA: No, being broke makes you crafty.

>> RUSS: So then why don't you

come with me and then you can do the talking.

>> LINA: I can't.

I have to take the baby stuff today.

>> RUSS: Come on. I...

Don't make me go back

to that cock-butcher.

>> FATHER: You guys want to take

this outside?

>> RUSS: I'm sorry.

We're so sorry.

>> LINA (whispers): Sorry.

>> RUSS: Your son looks great.

>> LINA: It's his daughter.

>> RUSS: It's your daughter.

Look-- she looks great.

>> LINA: You're going back to

the cock-butcher.

¶ ¶

>> RUSS: Hey, I never got your

name.

>> DIDI: Didi.

>> RUSS: Oh, great name.

So, Didi, there was a mix-up

before.

Uh, it turns out my wife already

sent the check.

>> DIDI: Really?

>> RUSS: But if I don't see the

doctor right now, we're gonna

cancel the payment.

And then it will go to

collections, Didi.

And they will call us and I will

be forced to mention your name.

Didi.

So you'd better polish your

résumé.

Because you'll get fired.

>> DIDI: Why would I get fired?

>> RUSS: Because they'll call.

And they'll know.

I don't know.

I... it made sense when my

wife said it.

I just need to see the doctor

right now, okay?

Hello?

Didi... please?

Oh, what am I, invisible now?

>> DOCTOR: Who says you're

invisible?

I see you standing right there,

Mr. Bowman.

>> RUSS: Thank you, Doctor.

(Didi sighs)

>> LINA: Bye-bye, baby shit.

(grunts)

Hi.

Whew.

Lot of memories here.

>> EMPLOYEE: Okay, you just have

to estimate how much this stuff

cost you.

>> LINA: Um... my youth.

Every time I cough, I pee a

little.

>> EMPLOYEE: I'll write down

"$50."

>> LINA: Can I ask you a

question?

Who gets this stuff?

>> EMPLOYEE: Regular people.

People who need it.

>> LINA: Do you think that I

could meet the person who gets

my stuff?

I'd love to put a face with a,

you know...

>> EMPLOYEE: Doesn't really work

like that.

(gasps)

>> LINA: I think I'm gonna need

a minute.

>> SHEPARD: She'll be here soon.

>> JESS: Well, how long do you

have the studio?

>> SHEPARD: I'm... By the hour.

>> JESS (chuckling): Okay.

>> SHEPARD: So whenever she gets

here, we'll... That's when

we'll go.

(phone rings)

Oh, hey, could be her.

And it is.

Hey.

What's up?

>> JESS: Sorry. (chuckles)

Trust me, this is worth it.

She's really hot.

She has the talent of a much

uglier girl.

>> SHEPARD: That's...

Well, listen, that's your call.

You-You do what you guys need.

Uh-huh.

"Oh, that's all right.

So, you feel better?"

She says, "No, 'cause I've been throwing up.

I've been throwing up for the

last couple of days."

>> JESS: Uh-huh.

>> SHEPARD: So I said, "Hey,

what are you, pregnant?"

Guess what.

>> JESS: No.

She's pregnant?

>> SHEPARD: She's pregnant.

She and her boyfriend are gonna

take the kid.

They're gonna raise the kid

in Iowa.

So they're going to Iowa.

>> JESS: That's gonna ruin her

career.

>> SHEPARD: What do you want me

to do? What do you... what?

>> JESS: Oh, my God, you know

what you need to do.

>> SHEPARD: No, I don't.

I don't know what I need to do.

>> JESS: Tell her to get rid of

it.

>> SHEPARD: The baby.

Get rid of the...

That's what I should tell her?

>> JESS: Yeah, look at how happy

you are.

You love working with this girl.

>> SHEPARD: I didn't love it.

>> JESS: Yes, you did, and you

haven't... you...

>> SHEPARD: It was fun,

it was fun.

>> JESS: Oh, my God, you haven't been this happy since you left the label.

>> SHEPARD: All right, she's a good singer; I was trying to

help her out, but it's over.

>> JESS: No.

>> SHEPARD: So that's okay.

It's over.

>> JESS: Don't just do that.

>> SHEPARD: Now it's over.

>> JESS: Tell her about

Liz Phair's abortion.

>> SHEPARD: I don't know what

you're saying now.

>> JESS: Tell her that right

before Liz Phair was, like,

about to break out, she got

pregnant, but then you talked

about it, and you arranged for

her to get an abortion, and then

nine months later...

(blows raspberry)

...you know, she's a hit instead

of a mother. (chuckles)

>> SHEPARD: That never happened.

>> JESS: That-that... Just, PJ

Harvey then, if that makes more

sense to you.

>> SHEPARD: I never met PJ

Harvey, none of...

>> JESS: She probably doesn't

even know who that is, either.

She'll be embarrassed to ask.

>> SHEPARD: Okay, what is wrong with you?

These-- this is crazy.

>> JESS: Nothing is wrong with me.

>> SHEPARD: There's nothing to

say to her; she wants...

It's her life.

>> JESS: No, there is something to say!

>> SHEPARD: It's her life,

so she...

>> JESS: Tell her that having

kids is gonna ruin her life.

>> SHEPARD: So our little baby

boy is ruining your life?

>> JESS: No, he's not ruining

my... You're ruining my life.

>> SHEPARD: Okay.

>> JESS: Don't do this.

I know what you're thinking, and

that's, you know...

>> SHEPARD: Really?

What am I thinking?

>> JESS: You need to do it, do

your thing, fine.

>> SHEPARD: Can I just say, a

lot of the shit that comes out

of your mouth cannot go back in.

>> JESS: You could just get on

the phone and just, like, talk

to her is all I'm saying.

>> SHEPARD: You know what?

>> JESS: You could just put in

the effort and do that.

>> SHEPARD: I'm gonna talk to

her, okay.

Try-try to not talk now.

Do me that favor.

>> DOCTOR: Okay, let's see.

Mm-hmm.

Well, the good news is, the

incision healed nicely.

Everything looks perfectly

boring.

>> RUSS: Boring?

>> DOCTOR: Boring is good.

Boring is what you want.

Just one thing left to do.

>> RUSS: Shots?

>> DOCTOR: Semen.

(groans)

(indistinct conversations)

>> RUSS: Hey, where do I go?

I got to give this...

>> FATHER: One-sixth of 12.

>> DAUGHTER: Two.

>> FATHER: Let's do two-fifths

of 100.

>> DAUGHTER: Uh...

>> RUSS: Really? Right here?

>> DIDI: Be sure to lock

the door.

>> FATHER: Are you asking me or

are you telling me?

>> DAUGHTER: 21.

>> FATHER: 21.

Okay, one-sixth of 12.

>> FATHER: Three-quarters of

100.

>> DAUGHTER: 75.

(sighs)

(muffled conversations)

>> DAUGHTER: I divide the

circumference by pi, right?

>> FATHER: That's right.

>> DAUGHTER: But then how do I

get the area?

>> FATHER: Okay, for the area,

it's pi times 2R.

See, we just multiply the

diameter by pi.

>> RUSS: That's wrong.

>> FATHER: What about this here?

A third of 15.

>> DAUGHTER: Five.

>> FATHER: Two-thirds of 30.

>> RUSS: Oh, the hell with this.

It isn't gonna work.

>> FATHER: One-half of 20?

>> DAUGHTER: Uh, ten.

>> DIDI: You all set?

>> RUSS: No, I haven't even

started.

I'm having a little trouble with

the, well, the materials.

>> DIDI: What kind of trouble?

>> RUSS: It's just the

magazines.

They're soft-core.

I just, I...

It's my second favorite core.

>> DIDI: Don't they have a DVD?

>> RUSS: Yeah, it's lesbians.

Lesbian porn just makes me feel

like a third wheel, you know?

It's like, what do they need me

for?

I'm just gonna get in the way.

If you have anything, you

know, like, under the desk or in

a box or something, with dudes

and chicks, that'd be awesome,

but no gang bangs, okay?

No threesomes.

Nothing in a moving vehicle,

okay?

Because I get carsick.

>> DIDI: Do you want to come

back at another time and bring

your own materials?

>> RUSS: Oh.

All right, I got this.

Excuse me, do you mind keeping

it down, okay?

I just, I have a...

I have a meeting in there, so...

>> FATHER: She has a test

tomorrow.

>> RUSS: This is an

important meeting.

>> FATHER: Well, this is an important test.

>> RUSS: Maybe a little help,

Didi?

>> FATHER: Third of 15.

>> DAUGHTER: Five.

>> FATHER: One-half of ten.

>> DAUGHTER: Five.

(horn honking)

(phone ringing)

>> LINA: What's up?

>> RUSS: Hey, I need your help.

>> LINA: They still wouldn't see

you?

>> RUSS: No, I got in.

I just... I need you to take me

home.

>> LINA: What?

>> RUSS: What are you wearing?

>> LINA: Russ, no.

I'm not having phone sex with

you.

I'm in a thrift store.

>> RUSS: Lina, seriously,

come on.

The porn here sucks, okay?

And there's some asshole in the

lobby doing homework with his

daughter.

>> LINA: This is so unfair.

>> RUSS: I don't care.

I just... I need you to do

something, okay?

I did your script,

now you do mine.

>> LINA: No, this is not

a good time.

I just handed over the bassinet.

It's official.

No more babies.

Now I have to figure out

my life.

I'm just, I can't.

>> RUSS: Well, can we figure it

out after I come?

(sighs)

>> LINA: What do you want me

to say?

>> RUSS: Well, first change your

attitude.

>> LINA (softly): What do you

want me to say?

>> RUSS: There you go.

I got my shorts off.

You're naked.

I want you to tell me how I'm

gonna enter you.

>> LINA: Regular.

>> RUSS: No, wrong, okay?

Today we do my positions.

>> LINA: Oh, we're gonna be here

all day.

>> RUSS: Just... Start cowgirl,

okay, and then reverse it.

>> LINA (weakly): Yee-haw.

>> RUSS: Lina, please, I'm in a

room right off of a... lobby

with people right on the other

side.

>> LINA: Okay, okay, fine.

So, I push you down on the bed.

>> RUSS: Okay, good.

>> LINA: And then I climb up on

top of you...

>> RUSS: Okay.

>> LINA: ...and put you inside

me.

>> RUSS: Yeah, and my hands are

all over your...

>> LINA: Oh, yeah, you're

grabbing my ass.

>> RUSS: ...tits, yeah.

>> LINA: I mean my tits, yeah,

that's right.

>> RUSS: Yeah, that's good.

>> LINA: Now I'm sitting on top

of you and...

>> RUSS: That's good.

>> LINA: Oh, you're so deep.

>> RUSS: Yeah, put it inside.

>> LINA: Oh, my God.

>> MAN: How much is this jacket?

There's no sticker.

>> LINA: Yeah, I don't work

here, sorry, dude.

>> RUSS: Who was that?

>> LINA: You don't know him.

Okay, where were we?

>> RUSS: Uh, you were riding me.

>> LINA: Okay, right, so I'm

riding you.

I'm riding you so hard.

>> RUSS: That's good, yeah.

>> LINA: It feels so good...

>> RUSS: Yeah, yeah, okay, good.

>> LINA: ...digging my

fingernails into your shoulders.

>> RUSS: Yeah, it feels good.

>> LINA: Yeah, it does?

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> LINA: Yeah, you like that?

>> RUSS: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

>> LINA: Okay, so now you're,

you're sliding in and out of me,

and-- oh, I'm so wet.

>> RUSS: Yeah, it's kinda...

And you put your finger

in my butt.

>> LINA: Okay, yeah, I'm gonna

do that, too.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, come, baby.

Come on, that's right.

>> RUSS: I want to come inside you.

>> LINA: Okay, yeah.

>> RUSS: Yeah, I'm gonna put

another baby in you...

>> LINA: No, you're not.

Russ, no!

>> RUSS: Yeah, I'm gonna make a

baby.

>> LINA: Russ, knock it off!

>> RUSS: That's it!

Aw, you're gonna be so pregnant!

>> LINA: You're being weird.

>> RUSS: Aw! Lina, come on!

>> LINA: You come on!

We're not doing that anymore.

It's weird.

>> RUSS: Why can't I just

pretend?

>> LINA: I don't want to.

>> RUSS: I just need to feel

like I'm still...

dangerous.

Or something.

(Russ sighs)

>> LINA: I get it.

Okay.

Okay, so, so I'm riding you.

>> RUSS: Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna

put a baby in you. Yeah.

>> LINA: Yeah, you are, yes.

Baby, I want you to come

inside me.

I want you to, I want you to

shoot it up inside me.

>> RUSS: Uh-huh, I'm gonna shoot

it so deep.

>> LINA: You're gonna make me so

pregnant-- oh, my God!

It's starting to hurt!

>> RUSS: I'm gonna make you so pregnant! That's it.

>> LINA: I want you to make me

so pregnant.

Can you do that for me?

Can you? Can you?

Can you put a baby in me?

>> RUSS: Yeah, I'm gonna put a

baby in you.

>> LINA: Do it! Come inside me.

I want you to make a baby.

That's right, yeah.

Get me pregnant, come on.

Come on, get me so pregnant.

Oh, God, yeah!

>> RUSS: Yeah, keep going.

Don't stop.

>> LINA: Shoot all over my eggs,

come on!

>> RUSS: Yeah, I'm gonna shoot

on your eggs.

Oh, my cum's going on your eggs!

>> LINA: Okay? You make me

pregnant? Will you knock me up?

>> RUSS: I'm gonna make you

pregnant!

I'm gonna make you pregnant! Oh!

>> LINA: Make a baby, yeah!

>> RUSS: Oh!

Okay.

(Russ moaning)

Oh, wow.

>> LINA: Please tell me you got

it in the cup.

>> RUSS: I think I did.

I think most of it.

Oh, my God.

>> FATHER: The area is pi times

2R.

>> RUSS: Okay.

All right, I'll see you at home.

>> LINA: We need waffles.

>> RUSS: Okay.

>> DAUGHTER: Diameter...

>> FATHER: Mm-hmm.

>> DAUGHTER: ...is pi, right?

>> FATHER: Yeah, that's right.

>> DAUGHTER: Could you remind me

how to get the area?

>> RUSS: Might be a little

spicy.

I had chorizo for lunch.

Oh, and by the way, the area of

a circle is pi-R-squared.

Duh.

>> FATHER: The R, that's the R.

>> DAUGHTER: Oh.

>> LINA: You bought my bassinet.

>> WOMAN: Who?

>> LINA: That's my bassinet.

Well, I just donated it,

literally I just donated it.

I hope your baby's as happy in

there as-as my girls were.

>> WOMAN: Oh, yeah, I would

never put a baby in this piece

of shit.

It's for my ferret.

Actually can you mind holding

him while I light my cigarette?

It's really more of a coffin to

bury him in.

'Cause he has cancer.

So, you say it's called a-a

bassinet?

(water splashing)

(Harrison cooing)

>> JESS: Ooh, make little

splashes?

(dinging nearby)

There's too much splashing in

the bath.

And too many bubbles for one

little baby.

>> SHEPARD: Hey.

>> JESS: Hi.

How'd it go with Tammy?

>> SHEPARD: She's on her way to

Davenport.

>> JESS: Is that the name of a

clinic?

>> SHEPARD: No.

It's a place in Iowa.

>> JESS: Aw. Your daddy's a good

man.

But he didn't want our meal

ticket to get an abortion.

Isn't that right, Daddy?

>> SHEPARD: Stop.

>> JESS: What?

That's what happened.

>> SHEPARD: What, are you mad?

>> JESS: You can't make people

do things that they don't want

to do, right?

>> SHEPARD: And I really don't

want to be managing some kid.

I don't.

Hi.

Hi!

Hey.

Want to watch a movie tonight?

>> JESS: Uh, you know, I can't.

I'm gonna go to the office.

But, um, take a rain check.

>> HARRISON: Okay...

(Harrison giggles)

(Harrison coos)

(Shepard sighs)

>> RUSS: Hey.

>> LINA: Hmm?

>> RUSS: Do you want to have

a date?

>> LINA: Mm...

I'm not taking my shirt off.

>> RUSS: That's okay.

But can we talk about the

pregnant stuff again?

>> LINA: No chance.

>> RUSS: Come on.

>> LINA: No.

>> RUSS: Well, then, can we

pretend that I'm a cashier at

Ralphs and you're, um,

returning some old lettuce?

(Lina laughs)

>> LINA: Oh, look at this

lettuce.

>> RUSS: Ah...

>> LINA: It's so wilted.

>> RUSS: Yes, yes! It is.

>> LINA (laughing): You're so

weird!

¶ ¶

>> MAN: Hey.

>> JESS: Hey.

>> MAN: Can I sit with you?

(Jess laughs)

>> JESS: Sure.

>> MAN: Are you alone?

>> JESS: Uh...