All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.In.Philadelphia.S17E03

Don't think this guy's gonna make it.
You hear me?

Did you have an OPA.

Breathing's irregular and weak.

- Responsive to pain?
- Not at all.

Sir, can you hear me?
His lips are super red.

Purple cyanosis.

- Super diaphoretic.
- Sweating like a pig.

- What happened to this guy?
- We don't know this guy from Adam.

We've never seen him before
at all. He's a total outsider.

I never saw him before
in the bar at all.

His goddamn heart just stopped
for no reason.

Not no reason.
You gave him a hot pepper.

Don't...
They don't have to know that.

- Never mind that!
- It was a totally unrelated incident.

- Never mind that.
- Who was that guy anyway?

Man, just like some random dude
who walked in here off the streets.

- Yeah.
- Well, we are an open bar.

I thought he was, like,
a jazzman.

I mean, he had a ponytail.
He had a piano-key tie.

So I pranked him
with a ghost pepper.

You'd think that a jazzman would be
more accustomed to spices, you know?

- Right? You'd think he'd be fine.
- Yeah, he just dropped...

- Here you go, Frank. One smash burger.
- Oh.

It's about time.

Okay.

Ooh.
Somebody dying or something?

Random jazzman.

Really? Just wandered right in
off the streets? No reason?

We are an open, working bar.

Sorry. Wh-What's with
the food delivery here?

Oh. I'm, uh, doing a
Postmates thing as a side gig.

- On a bike?
- Uh. No, no.

Yeah, no, sorry, uh. I-I mean, why
are you ordering food from Dee, Frank?

You don't like the burgers that
I've been making in the apartment?

What? I wanted a smash burger.

You don't think I can make a burger
and smash it? I'll smash a burger for you.

What the hell, Frank? A 5% tip?

Pedal faster.
It's cold as shit.

Goddamn it.

They're taking him
to the hospital.

Good job, guys! Good luck!

Yes, uh, great work, fellas.
Uh, thank you for your service.

That guy's gonna sue
the shit out of me.

That's not good, man.

Hey, did anybody else get, like, a
crazy rush from that experience?

I did.

It's nice to have a little
action around here, right?

The way those EMTs, like, fire in
and they fire out with all the lights

- and the sirens, saving lives.
- It's awesome.

You know, it's as close to playing
God as you can get, you know?

And the lifestyle. There's
an appeal to it for sure.

The lifestyle. Yeah, the whole
thing is a vibe, and I am here for it.

- Me too. It's sexy.
- Yeah, sexy.

You know that they bang the
doctors and the nurses, right?

Of course they do. Of course
they do. Are you kidding me?

The lifestyle is spicier than
one of Frank's ghost peppers.

Mac, come here for a second.

Go with me here, but, uh,
I'm sensing an opportunity,

and I'm gonna float something
by you that I think is a

very reasonable proposition.

Hmm.

Oh.

Uh...

You're not cake, are you?

Nah. It's just a joke
between me and the guys...

Uh... Something.

Anyway, I came over here to say
I'm sorry because...

Well, y-you know,
actually, it's not my fault.

Well, sure, I gave you a hot
pepper and you had a heart attack,

but, you know, I-I kind
of attribute that to the...

you know, the jazzman lifestyle
more than the pepper.

Eh? Just checking
about the cake thing.

You never know with those guys.

Well, well, well.

The Lawyer.
What's with the getup?

It's not a getup.

It's an eye patch from
when I was attacked by a bird.

Gruesome.
I wish I'd have seen that.

You did see it.

I don't remember.

You don't remember
being present in a court of law

while a wild animal
pecked out someone's eye?

Can you be more specific?

Oh.

I'll be more specific, Frank.

I'm here looking for clients,
and I just found one.

You just admitted to causing
this man grievous harm,

and I am going to take you down.

- I'm innocent.
- You literally just admitted it.

- I was lying.
- To a man in a coma?

- I thought he was cake.
- Okay.

I'll see you in court, Frank.

Shit.

This is great, buddy. Frankly, I
think we should've done it years ago.

Agreed.
This is the perfect complement

- to our fast-paced lifestyle.
- I think so too.

Plus, I really feel like we should
know how to do CPR, you know?

Yes. Yes.

Hey. Uh, pepper?

And what do we have here?

Well, the incident with the jazzman
got me thinking about peppers,

getting peppers back
into my life.

You know?
Peppers spice everything up

from... from tacos
to talk shows.

That's cute.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay. I like where your head's at,

but I think really
it's maybe a matter of dosage.

Like we-we shouldn't
eat a whole pepper.

We saw what happened
to the jazzman.

I'm thinking maybe microdosing
is the way to go.

- Microdose. Explain.
- Yep.

Well, instead of taking 100%
of the dose 10% of the time,

we take 10% of the dose
100% of the time.

That is scientifically
more better.

- Wanna try it?
- Yeah.

All right,
just take a little nibble.

Just a little...
a little micro, huh?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.
And then we just need to repeat

- that dosage all day and all night.
- Absolutely. That's good.

I'm getting a little heat,
but it's not too much heat.

No. I definitely don't need more
than that, know what I mean?

- No. I'm gonna need more in 15 minutes.
- Well, sure.

Okay.

- Speaking of spicy...
- How's everyone doing?

Things just got
a little caliente.

Hello, class, and welcome.

I wanna congratulate you all
for making a decision

to pursue a career
in this field.

Are you two guys all right?

- Yeah.
- Uh, yeah.

Yeah, all good. All good. Uh, and may
I, uh, compliment you on your uniform?

The snugness, uh, really
accentuates your physique.

If-If that's okay to say.

Uh... It's not,
but let's continue, huh?

Uh, if you don't mind,
can we skip to the fun parts?

You're not even letting me
get started.

Sorry. My, uh, my partner here,
he's just excited to save lives.

Okay. Well, I applaud you
for your enthusiasm,

but let's stay on track here,
huh? Now...

- Um...
- Yes?

When I just referred to the
gentleman to my right as my partner,

I meant in medicine,
not in life.

In life, I am very much single.

That's great, but I wanna
start this class right now, okay?

Oh, God. I-I tell you, man,
I think I got the dosage off.

I think I ate
a little bit too much.

Less is more.
That's on me.

- The what?
- The hot peppers.

Uh, when do we cover the dosing,
the pepper dosing in the class?

I don't know
what you're even talking about,

but I tell you what,
let's talk about CPR.

- Oh, I'd like to volunteer.
- No, I don't...

- You're already getting up. All right.
- I'm so sorry.

It's so much spicier
than I thought.

Now, when we get
to the chest compressions,

should I take your shirt off
or should you take mine off?

No shirts come off.

Actually, I'd love to take my
shirt off. I'm getting pretty sweaty.

- Can we start with the dummies, please?
- Okay.

And hands go like so, and we want
to start with compressions to the song,

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha
Staying alive ♪

- Let me give it a shot. Do you mind?
- You wanna step in?

Actually, I'd love to step
in here and see this thing.

- Sure.
- Yeah.

- How's this?
- Ah.

That's-That's-That's
a little too fast.

And you see, class, I'm
increasing the rate of compressions

to ensure maximum blood flow.

- Class, don't listen to him.
- It's so hot!

Now, class, you'll notice
I am still finding a rhythm.

That is way too fast.

Well, somebody
doesn't understand double time.

You see, I'm pushing
to a much spicier song.

Is everyone familiar with the
Gipsy Kings's "Bamboléo"?

Ah! An excellent choice,
very spicy.

Speaking of spice, I brought
plenty of peppers for everyone.

Gosh, that damn lawyer
is gonna jam me the hell up.

- Yeah.
- Hang on.

Maybe I should slip him
a ghost pepper.

Yeah, well, that's a good idea.

All right, uh,
chili flakes, please.

Wait. What?

I-I need the chili flakes, please.
See them?

- Yeah, I see 'em.
- "Yes, Chef."

- What?
- Say, "Yes, Chef."

Why?

Because the stakes are, uh, very
high, you know, this is high-stakes stuff.

Stakes of what?

The cooking! It's-It's
life-and-death stuff, man.

- I need you to say, "Yes, chef."
- You know what you should do?

You should cook up an extra
spicy meal. Really, really spicy.

And I'll give it to The Lawyer.
I'll trick him into eating it.

And then if he's not admitted
to the hospital,

it would prove
that I'm innocent.

Okay, what if he dies?

Win-win either way, right?

- All right.
- Oh!

- Try that, baby!
- Good smash.

- Smashed it good!
- Really?

You know how to do that?

Yeah, it's a brick-based medium.

- Look at that.
- Yeah, that's my favorite part.

What do you think?
Same as a smash burger, right?

- It's great!
- Well, I added a little extra spice.

- Oh, yeah. I can feel it.
- I've been microdosing myself.

- Hey, yo. Here we go, Frank.
- Yeah, it goes right up.

Your smash burger.

- No, you're too late.
- Yeah. Oh, sorry about that.

That's because I got smashed
by a Prius.

- Ooh. Yeah.
- Whoops! Yeah.

- I need some shin guards, I think.
- Yeah, looks bad.

Yeah, it doesn't feel as bad.

Well, Charlie already made
me one, so you get no tip.

- Charlie made you that?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's basically the same exact
thing as that smash burger.

- Really good.
- Ho-Hold on a second.

- What else can you make?
- I can make anything. You kidding me?

Okay. Well, hold on.
I'm-I'm getting an idea here.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

What if you help me spice up
my job a little bit, right?

And we make this sort
of a ghost kitchen situation.

We do it right here.
I keep my work central,

but I really get to crank out
the orders a lot faster.

Okay, I like it.
I'll do this for you, Dee.

I will, but you gotta
promise me something.

You gotta say,
"Yes, chef," "No, chef,"

"On your left, chef,"
"Corner, chef."

These kind of things.
It's gotta work that way, Dee.

- It's gotta work that way.
- Why would I say any of those things?

'Cause we're cooking food.

- Yep, just food.
- It's good.

Doesn't seem
like that big of a deal.

It's the most serious thing...

- that has ever...
- Yes, chef.

- Yes, chef.
- Yeah?

- Don't care. Yep.
- Isn't that great?

Wait, wait, wait.
Dee, before you go,

wanna spice up your bike ride
with a habanero?

- Coming through.
- Coming through!

On your left, bitch.

Yo! Look out. Look out.
Look out. Look out, bitch!

Move it, boner.

Goddamn. Ooh!

Buddy, getting a
refund on those classes

and spending it on a decommissioned
ambulance was the way to go.

The illegality of what we're
doing is spicy enough to get me off.

And speaking of spice,
I think we should up the dose.

I think we should cool it
on the peppers for a little bit.

I mean, you take too much of those
things and you can go temporarily blind.

- Blind? That's crazy. No, you can't.
- Y-Yes, you can.

Zebra 3? Zebra 3?
You anywhere near 2nd and Race?

Got a woman
with an injury on the sidewalk.

Second and Race?
That's like a block away.

- Yeah.
- Maybe we should answer it.

- Well, here's one issue.
- What?

- We are not EMTs.
- Right.

This is Zebra 3. We are
20 out. Go to closer unit.

It's only a turned knee

and a run to St. Mercy's.
I'm sure she can wait.

This is Flaming Pepper,
new truck on the rotation.

We're only about a block away.
We're gonna stop by.

Roger that, Flaming Pepper.

I'll let her know
you're on the way.

What are you doing?

I don't know. I mean, look, what
could be spicier than answering a call?

Plus, it's only a hospital run.
No big deal.

I am intrigued
that it's a woman.

Pop a pepper and let's go?

You know what? Let's do it.

But let's-let's cool it on the peppers,
all right? Let's be professional.

We'll-We'll take some peppers
afterwards.

Professional. You got it.

That's probably enough of the...

- It's doing it on its own.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Ma'am?
- How we doing over here, ma'am?

What seems to be the problem?

This crazy woman jumps the curb
on her bicycle

yelling nonsense
about hot peppers.

I think I twisted my knee.
It might be sprained.

- Ugh. It's terrible.
- Yeah.

Uh, ma'am, would you, uh,
excuse us for one quick second?

- Come talk to me over here.
- Yeah.

- Did you pepper up?
- No.

- Yes, you did.
- No.

- Okay, I just had a little bit o...
- Goddamn it.

Now you're not
microdosing anymore.

You've slipped into macrodosing.

- Macrodosing.
- Yeah.

That's cool 'cause it's my name.

All right. Damn it.
You know what?

Give me a little bit. 'Cause
I feel like I'm dipping a little.

Just a little, dude.

I'm not going to macrodose or anything.
But, you know, a little something.

- Yeah.
- Oh, God. Man, that is the stuff.

But it's a mild heat, right?

- Holy shit. All right. Okay.
- Oh, yeah. It's good.

Let's save this bitch.

Uh, ma'am.
I think what you've got there is a sprain.

Uh, you're gonna... not
wanna put anything hot on it.

- Or cold.
- Yeah. Uh, nothing hot, nothing cold.

Yeah. Lukewarm, really.

Ma'am, you're gonna... you're
gonna wanna keep that knee lukewarm.

You're gonna wanna take short,
shallow breaths.

Oh, you know what? I gotta
check her for a concussion

- because I feel like she's acting crazy.
- I-I-I didn't hit my head.

Just lay back and...

Oh, God.

Oh, my eye is burning. Was
there something on your thumb?

It's probably unrelated.

Uh, ma'am. You're
becoming a bit hysterical.

Why don't I do
some chest compressions on you.

You wanna pop that sweater off?

What?
No, I need to rinse my eye.

Well, the sweater needs
to come off.

- Yeah, let's make her unconscious.
- Why?

I feel like
this is becoming a whole thing.

- What?
- Okay, ma'am, we're gonna get you

to the hospital right now.

Dude, this is incredible.
I feel so alive.

She definitely wants
to bang me, dude.

- Yeah, I think so.
- Don't you think? Yeah.

Yo. Order up. Let's go.

Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Wow.

Whoo.

- Whoo!
- Whoo.

- Goddamn it.
- I got it.

- Hey. Wow, he's okay.
- Hey.

Move!

You dumb bitch.

Whoo.

Yeah! All right.

These are the Chipotle burritos.

Chipotle burritos.
Yes, chef.

How's the spice pot?

Spice pot is

spicy but needs more peppers.

Peppers coming up.
More peppers.

- Here we go.
- I needed a "Yes, chef" there.

- Yes, chef. Yes, chef.
- Yes, chef. Yes, chef!

Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Let's go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

I don't know. I don't
think he's gonna make it.

- Looks like he's gonna die.
- He's going in and out, isn't he?

- Should we pepper?
- You want some pepper, sir?

Goddamn it. Hands!
I need hands!

- Let's do it. Let's go.
- Go, go, go, go, go, Frank.

- Go. Put the burger down. Go!
- Come on, Frank. Come on!

Hot fries.
Hot fries. Hot fries.

Sir. Are you okay?

I think we gotta do
compressions, man.

Compressions, go.

Whoo!

Come on. Pick it up, grandpa.

Whoo! Oh, God! It's all seeds.

It's all seeds.

Order up.

We did it, Charlie. This chili is
maxed out. I mean, I gotta go.

Oh, what? What? No. You can't
go. Come on, I got orders, bud.

I gotta go trick The Lawyer.

Come on, I need my expediter.

What?
I'll be in here all by myself?

Come on, Frank,
I need you, buddy.

- Hey, yo! There he is.
- Oh!

- What do you got for us, buddy?
- Oh.

Anything for my
first responders.

- My guy. My guy. My guy.
- Hey! All right.

Whoo-hoo!

- Oh, yeah.
- That's hot.

Getting high
on your own supply over there?

You mind?

Yeah.
Well, I'm in the weeds, boys.

You know,
I need it just to get by.

How's it going for you fellas?
How's it going out there in the streets?

Highs and lows.
I don't love the blood.

A lot of blood
in my line of work too.

Well, there shouldn't be.

Yeah, but you get the finger.
I got Frank once or twice.

- There really shouldn't be...
- It's life-and-death stuff.

Not really though.

It is for the animals, I guess.

I always feel like I could use a little
more action, you know what I mean?

- You want more spice?
- I want more spice.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay. I'm done.

- Pepper me.
- Oh!

Bingo!

Dang, what happened to you?

Oh, bike got smashed
by a crosstown bus.

- Smashing ups everywhere.
- Interesting.

Hey, this-this-this might be the
peppers talking here, but, um, go with me.

I'm sensing an opportunity to
smash all of these ideas together...

and really spice up our lives.

Now I'm gonna float out
something that I believe to be...

a very reasonable proposition.

What is it?

Okay, I got two smash burgers
and a side of curly fries.

- On your left!
- Oh, yeah, thank you.

- Thank you what?
- Thank you, chef!

- Thank you what?
- Thank you, chef!

Corner!

This is the spice
I was looking for, baby!

Oh.

Well, well, well.
Hmm. New office, huh?

Popcorn ceiling, right next to
the highway. This place is trash.

Mr. Reynolds,
always a pleasure.

I wanna talk about a settlement.

I bet you do,

because if I were your attorney,

I would be begging
for the same thing.

But unfortunately for you...

- Whoo!
- I am not.

My depth perception is terrible.

Why?

Because of the goddamn eye.

What happened to your eye?

Are you serious?

Let's talk about this
like gentlemen.

I brought you some chili.

Okay, I'm not eating that.
I'm sure it's poison.

Besides, I ordered for myself.

No, my food's better.

And-And there's nothing
the matter with that chili.

That is tasty chili.

- I-I promise.
- Hey. Lawyer.

- Not now, Dee.
- He Postmated. I'm delivering.

Okay... I don't want any food
delivered by any of you.

Oh. Guess what, bozo? I don't
care whether you eat it or not,

but if you don't tip me,
I'm taking out the other eye.

- Eat mine.
- No.

I'll eat some first. Yeah.

- I-I got my own spoon.
- All right, this is bullshit.

If you're not gonna tip me,
I'm eating your lunch.

- Be my guest. I don't care.
- What do you think about this?

This is delicious.

- Yep.
- A little hot. Hot, hot, hot.

Mine too.
Not-Not in temperature

so much as
it's the tiniest bit spicy.

Really enjoying this a lot.

I've got to take a knee.

Oh! Shit, shit, shit, shit.

How can you possibly
make a burger so spicy?

- This is so hot.
- You've got to try this.

I'll share that with you.

Call 911!

Got a possible code W59 in
progress at Snyder and Pattison.

- Pepper?
- Pattison? That's like right here.

- Pepper? Pepper, anyone?
- Oh, yes. Absolutely.

Yeah. W59? What is that?

- Oh!
- Snake bite. That's kind of exciting.

Whoa!
That's very interesting to me.

I've always wanted to suck out
snake venom, you know this.

- Flaming Pepper taking the call.
- Let's take it.

Come on, baby.
We're taking the call.

Goddamn it. I'm dying.

Oh, come on.

What is it? What's going? You
guys aren't snake bit, are you?

Dee thought that was the only way
we could get you guys to come up here.

We said it was a snake bite.

- I was right.
- -Guys, this is wonderful.

I have absolutely no idea
what the hell is going on here,

but I guarantee you it's
going to help me in my suit.

I love watching all of you fail.

Cheers.

I got you!

What...

What's in that?

That is 100%
juiced Carolina Reaper tea.

I got him.

Got him.
Reaper tea.

Somebody...

What's happening to me?

Are you all right?

We're getting close, guys.
Almost there. Just hang on.

How we looking back there?

He's gonna die!

Bamboléo. Bamboléo. Bamboléo.
Bamboléo. Bamboléo.

Dee, get those fries
out of the fryer, stat.

It just hurts so bad. You're
overspicing the food, chef.

What are they doing?

- Enough with the orders.
- No, no. Just one more drop.

He's gonna die!
Order, order.

Oh, God. It burns!
Oh, shit, it burns!

Goddamn it, Dennis.
You have to yell "corner!"

- I can't see.
- What?

Goddamn it! I think I
overdosed on the peppers.

I told you
this would happen, Mac.

I can't see. Goddamn it!
Goddamn you!

Oh, fuck!

All right, all right, all right.

I've-I've heard enough.

Joyriding through the city,

serving food without a permit
in an unlicensed ambulance,

all while impersonating
medical professionals.

For what?
Your own twisted amusement?

What have you got to say
for yourself?

I swear
there were other people there.

I was strapped into a gurney.
I passed out.

Uh, they must have put me in an EMT
uniform and-and-and fled the scene.

Thirty days,
Philly Correctional.

Next case.