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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

1 Getting On - S03E03 No, I Don't Want a Fucking Smiley Face

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They gave a 60-day notice to the R.N.'s.

I told everyone to ignore it.

Right, but then they canceled the union management round table.

It's nothing. It is a negotiating ploy.

It happens every two years

when our contract is almost up.

They want us to scale back our demands

to solve their fiscal crisis off the backs of nurses.

Then we should squeeze back.

We... we should organize an informational picket or...

Or a candlelight vigil.

You're new at this, so let me tell you...

No one cares.

Unions are yesterday's news.

Well, we gotta give them a reason to care.

Let the people know we're working for them.

We've tried open houses. We've done Talk 'n' Chats.

No, no, no, no, no. I mean we gotta give 'em stuff.

Like what?

Prizes.

Food. Free food and giveaways.

Um, chances to win.

Get both unions energized, then we push back.

Hm. Maybe we can throw in a ferris wheel.

Cal 27 on Beach Boulevard.

Hello.

There you go.

This one's a pathological liar.

Don't believe a word she says.

Sorry, ma'am. I need your legs.

Oh. Boy.

Just yank 'em.

Oof! Sorry, Dennis.

Fuck. Where are you taking 'em?

Don't worry. They'll be safe.

Ms. Birdy, we need to check your oxygen.

"Little Orphan Annie came to our house to stay."

Did she now?

Do you think about me?

More than you can imagine.

We gotta crack this pneumonia.

- Alice. - Jenna.

What can I do for you?

I wanted to say hi.

Okay.

Is... is that Dr. Killigrew?

Anne. Ugh. Under such a cloud.

Does Jenna know

that I've left messages? That I left my paper for her?

Ask her.

Oh, God.

Since she was named in those transvaginal mesh lawsuits...

She's just looking for a port in a storm.

It's like a pirate swimming toward a lifeboat.

You just gotta hit her over the head with an oar.

I heard she invited you over to see her rock gardens.

Oh, who cares about her ugly old succulents.

No, really. What can I do for you?

Your symposium is coming up,

and I understand Barbet Pharmaceuticals

will be awarding this year's Helen Tillman Prize.

Well, not only, but they are underwriting

my little conclave as well.

Well, I have my new paper on candidiasis coming out.

I'd love the opportunity to present my findings

on putrescines and cadaverines on one of your panels.

Yeah, such a rarefied topic.

I'm wondering which panel you might prefer?

No, I see Dr. Gutterman is discussing "Alternatives to Indwelling Catheters."

Ouch. That's the hot ticket.

But, uh, maybe one of the panelists will be a no-show.

So, why don't you leave me a copy of your paper?

And I'd love to read it, offer my two cents.

Everyone wants to know what happened to that dog.

Oh. The agency felt he wasn't being cared for responsibly.

Then they had to put him down

'cause the Ebola risk.

I have to say I am not unhappy

to see that dog go.

They may be agreeable to sending us a poodle in the future,

but I think we're better suited for an aquarium.

Putrescines and cadaverines, Dawn!

From Mt. Palms' own homeopath. Hey, Ron.

Oh, um, Dr. James, Dr. Killigrew was looking for you again.

Oh, there's another one. Everybody wants to be on my panel.

I'm the new "it" girl.

Ahoy, ahoy... Are the Ortleys amongst us?

Uh, not yet.

But she should be over from the hospital soon.

All right. Well, shall we, let's?

Crystal Buff has stage IV liver cancer,

following 3 courses of chemo.

She had an extreme reaction to cardoplatin and paclitaxel

and a second round of cisplatin plus gemcitabine,

- but the tumors grew... - Mm.

And then a third round of pemetrexed.

- Blistering and sores in the mouth and throat? - Oh yeah.

- Difficulty drinking or swallowing? - Mm-hmm.

Uh, tarry stool?

And a history of escape.

15 years ago.

I am 72, and I am in awful, constant pain.

Well, we need to figure out whether the side effects are

being caused by the pemetrexed

or the cisplatin... Or by the cancer itself.

Where are the legs?

Because of my amputations,

I need special pillows to sleep.

I need two leg pillows for my stumps,

and I need a cushion for the shower,

and I need two layers of clothing

because my body temperature is below normal,

and I need a lot of bottled water

to prevent bladder infections...

Ms. Buff, I'm sure you have a lot of anger at the system,

but please don't use your disability to game us.

Excuse me, nurse...

these are not luxuries,

These are things I need for my survival.

Do you know how I lost my legs?

My husband was a philanderer for 25 years.

From day one.

I think he was doing the bridesmaids.

All of them.

You know what I'm talking about, I'm sure.

He would've done you if he knew ya.

Anyways, I lost my looks and he called me "Dog-face."

Okay.

I couldn't take it anymore.

- So, I tried to run him over. - We don't need to know any of this.

- But his girlfriend got in the way. - Well, again...

And I ran her over instead.

- Not our business. - So, I lost my legs

in the accident, and I was convicted of murder.

So, now I'm paying double, and for the rest of my life.

Well, that's something.

Um, we're gonna review your scans,

and then we're gonna do everything that we can

to diagnose your pain and help you manage that.

Dawn. Hi.

Hey, my mom's in town.

She asked to see you.

- Oh. Is she here? She's in your room? - Yeah, no, wait.

I...

I... I never told her we broke up. In fact, I...

I... I kinda told her the opposite.

Opposite how?

I told her we were engaged.

- Patsy! - I know, I know.

It was when you were on your honeymoon

and I was feeling really low.

And depressed.

And masturbating all the time.

- Patsy... - And she was really worried about me.

She didn't think I had any friends.

So, I told her we were engaged.

- Mami! - Oh!

Mira quién te traje!

Ay, hello!

Que tal, darling?

How are you?

All my nurses are concerned and naturally want to know, are we going under?

Well, I really don't know.

This mess I've inherited grows daily.

We've got operating losses of $4 to $5 million a year.

Well, you know nurses.

Everything revolves around them.

But they deserve our respect.

Say, Jenna,

Alice Marvel would really like to present at your symposium.

I don't want her.

Barbet Pharmaceuticals is underwriting my symposium,

and I don't think that they'd want to be associated

with a quack...

any more than they would Anne Killigrew.

They're both tar babies.

Well, now you're being unkind.

And as to Anne...

we've all been on the wrong side of bad medical equipment.

Thousands of vaginal mesh slings?

Well, will you at least consider Alice?

- Oh... - What?

Alice Marvel is a homeopath.

She just wants to promote her homeopathic vaginal creme

made out of oyster shells, Cocoa Puffs and hummus.

Well, she feels that you want the Helen Tillman prize...

What if I do?

And that you're trying to block any competition.

Paul! I'm simply trying not to tarnish the reputation of my sponsors.

You know, you're behaving as though this symposium is such a big deal.

It is to me.

I have a keynote speaker, I have 3 panels,

I have 38 attendees...

And let she who is without sin...

We sacrifice our lives here. We dedicate ourselves.

You want to dump that woman on me and then threaten to close us down?

The one bright light in an ever-darkening firmament

in a world at war with women?

The world is not at war with women.

I'm in Pakistan... Shoot me in the head.

I'm in India... rape me.

I'm in Saudi Arabia... Don't let me drive.

I'm Kenyan now... Cut out my genitalia.

I'm a Filipina nanny in Dubai... beat me.

And it's getting worse,

and Billy Barnes is a ray of hope.

- Doc, may I please have my legs? - Hm?

Oh, sorry, I don't think we can do that.

Crystal: Where am I gonna go?

I mean, come on!

If there's something you need, we can always ask a nurse

to get it for you. Do you feel this?

How can you just leave me here like this?

Everyone takes advantage of my legs when it suits them.

Look.

Look at my stumps.

Everyone averts their eyes,

refuses to see!

I have no problem looking at your stumps.

You wouldn't believe the stumps I've seen.

Oh, is that so?

Abscessed stumps.

Stumps with sores and flies.

Beggars. Blind people.

Innocent land mine victims.

I've worked with those who've accepted their stumps,

those filled with self-pity, and yes...

those who've tried to turn their disadvantage

to their advantage.

- Well, I've seen all kinds of doctors... - You know, in Columbia...

I drew smiley faces on children's amputated limbs

to teach them how to cope.

To teach them it's not the cards we're dealt,

it's how we play them.

Would you like a smiley face?

No, I don't want a fuckin' smiley face,

and I don't want a sanctimonious lecture about attitude.

I've been in prison half my life.

I marched in here in shackles.

Fuck you. I am miserable.

I just want my fuckin' dignity.

Give me my legs back!

Doc...

I used to breathe of freedom.

But now...

I'm just tired and old.

Why would I even want to escape?

This is the best place I'll ever be.

Take her right over here.

The Ortleys have landed!

Hello. Welcome.

There she is!

Mm-hmm.

So, tell me how you good people came to be here.

- Well, she was moved... - Yvette.

What happened, uh, Dr. James, was she suffered

an unavoidable, unforseeable freak accident.

She fell out of the bed, but she was fine.

But I said, "Just to be sure"

let's get her to the hospital for some x-rays."

Very smart, Didi. Very wise.

Thank you! And... It turns out the hospital was the best place for her.

- I mean, we didn't know she had gallstones. - Mm-hmm.

- Right. So, they removed her gallbladder... - Okay.

Then she had a stroke...

Then an IV fell over and hit her on top of the head and...

- Oh, well... - Here we all are.

When it rains, it pours.

Well, sometimes.

Well, acute post-operative

strokes are actually quite common.

So she should make a full recovery

within a couple of months

with just minor deficits.

But you got an owie on your head.

I... Ugh, not happy with how those sutures are setting.

I don't care for that at all.

The wound that...

All right.

Well, I'll go order the physical rehab,

maybe get some speech therapy.

But that surface laceration is nothing.

Really, that's... That's not to worry.

And last night we took a walk down to the pier, um,

with our friends Rob and Cindy,

where we met up with, um, Grace and Peter,

more great friends, and...

Patsy and I brought the rum and we made Cuba Libres.

And we even lit a bonfire and then we danced.

- Bonfire. - And, you know, we're actually talking about,

um, doing a timeshare,

um, with them after Christmas in Hawaii.

The North Island.

But you're afraid of the ocean.

We'd vacation with family on the Jersey Shore,

and he'd sit on the sand and cry and cry.

Water frightens him.

That time that you had the fever

and I plunged you into that bucket of cold water.

It traumatized him, I think.

He defecated.

Ay, Mami. Por favor.

Well, he's not afraid now.

We're actually looking at beach condos in Redondo

- and possibly getting a sailboat. - Oh.

I could use just a bit of water.

Tranquilo, Mami. I'll get it.

It's my shoulder replacement.

The severed tendons and ligaments are still screaming.

I suffer end-stage kidney disease.

I was recently diagnosed.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Dawn.

Patsy didn't tell me anything.

- I didn't know. - Yeah. I'm on dialysis.

My life expectancy is 6 to 8 years, depending.

I sit there for hours, the blood sumps are gross.

We're just basically sitting there.

It's like a big communal bathroom

where we're all just peeing in the machines.

And I have to monitor every calorie that I eat,

every sip.

- Oh, sweetheart. Honey. - 0

Al mal tiempo, buena cara.

Exacto.

All right, this... this has been nagging at me, Didi.

I didn't like the sutures in Vivian's scalp,

so I removed them,

and I'm gonna replace 'em with staples.

And I don't feel the need for lidocaine.

I... really, the administration of the drugs, it's...

It's more painful than just a couple of quick staples,

So, I'm just gonna sneak up here and...

Hmm. Nothing.

Oh, maybe it's jammed.

The good thing about staples though is

uh, once you feel it, it's done.

So, okay, just a couple of quick pops.

Oh...

See, sometimes they fail to deploy,

which is, uh, kind of a problem,

when you're doing a reverse colostomy

and you're trying to fasten the descending colon

to the rectum.

But all right!

Let's do this now.

We're good to go here now.

- Oh... - Dr. James...

What's is going on here now?

This is stuck to the scalp.

Hello!

The... jaws are all locked.

I... this... I can assure you this has never

happened before. So Didi, uh,

you hold that for a second,

and I'm gonna get a screwdriver.

Don't pull it. Don't tear the scalp.

- Oh, here's the release. - Jenna.

There we go. Okay.

Ah...

Dr. James...

Okay. All right, that's it.

Wow, right?

- We're done. - Wow.

I think you're gonna heal much, much quicker now.

Okay. You go, girl!

Go?

Unbelievable.

I found out the real deal

on our patient from Sing Sing, and it's juicy.

- From where? - Mugshots.com.

It's where you can go and pay to have

your mugshot taken down.

But you can look up friends or family and find out

if they've been recently convicted.

- They got it all. - Guys, guys.

Look. The signage arrived

for my symposium's Hall of Vendors.

Who wants to man my anal horn booth?

Dawn? Earn some extra moolah?

Maybe.

Didi just found out the real story on our prisoner.

Listen to this.

Her neck was broken when she drove into a lake

drunk and stoned in 1994.

Convicted on multiple hit and run.

When on probation for heroin conviction,

she fled the state, violating her probation.

She went to Nevada where her paralyzed legs

caught on fire when she passed out in a campfire.

Her legs were amputated.

- A Wyoming conviction for identity theft... - Whatever.

Found in an undisclosed celebrity's kitchen,

eating a bowl of cereal.

She escaped two more times in a laundry truck

and picking up litter along the highway.

It was Glenn Close!

And she invited me in!

Mm.

What was that all about, Dawn?

What?

You're really throwing yourself at this, aren't you?

Always getting a little carried away,

- always with the drama. - I'm sorry?

You told my mother you were suffering kidney failure?

Yeah.

This was supposed to be about you supporting me, Dawn.

Not taking over the show.

- I only get to see Mami once or twice a year. - I know.

My poor mother is at the chapel right now

praying for you, for your life, okay?

So great.

Psst! Hon.

What's going on? Where were you at lunch?

- I got us a tray. - Well, I didn't know.

I figured I'm here, we could have lunch together.

Dennis, I'm sorry, okay? I had no idea.

I was with Patsy's mother.

His mother.

Okay.

- Dr. James? - Mm-hmm?

I'm worried about Dawn.

She's not taking care of herself,

and I need to share something with you.

Dawn has kidney disease.

- Oh. - She has...

end-stage renal failure.

Oh...

- Oh... - Yeah.

Nobody else knows.

No.

No, we're the ones who should know.

And...

what do we really know about her life really?

Is she happy? I don't know.

You don't know.

She married the...

She married Dennis.

I mean, would you know enough about her

to give a eulogy? I wouldn't.

Oh...

I... She tried so darn hard though.

- Didn't she? - Oh, God.

I feel so bad for her.

Yeah.

How long have you known?

Huh?

Um... No...

Only... about... a week... or so.

So why didn't she tell me?

She probably just thought you were busy is all.

Are you saying she thought that I just didn't care?

No. I'm... I'm almost sure that that's not it.

Is it something I did or something I said?

Is it about all the transvaginals?

Because that is ridiculous.

People suing me because I'm trying to stop bladders

and rectums from just dropping into vaginas?!

What are you doing back over here?

What are you doing over here?

Why don't you leave her alone?

She's not even remotely interested in your old, bald cooch.

Oh. Well, she's certainly not interested

in your saggy, old pussy or your research.

Come get your stuff out of my garage.

I'll come get it when I'm good and ready.

No, you'll get it now

or I'm dumping it in the street.

Hmm. Blood pressure.

So, no more Sunset Villas.

- No more nursing homes, right y'all? - Unh-unh.

We found a better place.

It's called Boarding Care.

But it's a private home, Mama Viv.

Just 3 other seniors.

Nice care-givers.

Yeah. The Yangs, they're a nice Oriental family.

Don't say "Oriental," Waylon.

It's like "colored" or "faggot."

How much?

You have plenty for a while.

- And then we'll take care of it. - Mm-hmm.

'Til your Medicaid kicks in.

Oh, Medicaid doesn't cover boarding care.

- Just nursing homes, Waylon. - Waylon and Yvette: Right.

She just has to spend down, and then it covers.

No, that's for nursing homes.

This is boarding care.

- Yes, I know that, Didi. - Baby, baby, it's cheaper than a nursing home.

Well, so what? We wasn't paying for the nursing home.

Why don't we take this...

We're gonna step outside for a quick second, okay?

Go, go, go.

Yeah. Run, you dumb shit.

- Go! - Yvette...

we have to keep our eyes on the prize.

- We have to be there for Darnell and Waylon. - Yeah, absolutely.

Just let me see if I get this.

So Medicaid was paying

full load for a shitty nursing home,

but they won't pay a cent for something supposedly better?

- That's how the liberal government is these... - Not right now, Waylon. Stop.

Just... how much we talkin' bout?

Hmm? Does anybody think I have a right to know that?

Grr!

Honey!

- Caroline! - What are you doing?

Why you got shackles on your feet?

- I need to talk to you for one second. - What are you...

Give me those teeth. Where did you get those?

- Whose legs are these? - Ew, they're slimy!

Get off of there! Can you take these away from my kid please?

Sit down. Play with this pumpkin.

Act right! We in public. What's wrong with you?

Did you or did you not

tell Waylon that they needed to help pay?

Baby, I laid it all out for him.

- Excuse us, ma'am. - She's in a coma.

- Did you? - Baby...

Yvette, it's $4,000.00 a month.

All included: room, board, and round the clock care.

So what? We in for half? That's $2,000.00 a month.

- What? - $24 thou a year?!

Yeah, that's the only alternative.

Well, there better be another alternative!

I mean, fuck, Waylon, how we gon' come up with that?

- It's half a nursing home... - Oh, you big dumb dope!

Listen, I love Mama Viv as much as any of y'all,

but you're asking me to give $24,000.00 of our money,

to your daddy's trophy wife?

No. This might get y'all a place in white people's heaven,

but I am out.

No. No, you are not.

What you want to do, Yvette?

You want to put her back in a nursing home,

where she can get pressure sores,

they dope her up, she sits in a dirty diaper all day,

or should we just take the used up trophy wife,

and throw her out on the street?

Baby, if there was another way, but there isn't.

Well, I can think of one.

She needs a nurse.

That's you, Didi.

Quit your job and then take care of her.

You can't ask Didi to do that

unless she wants to.

Why not? She brought this on us.

She was fine. She was in Sunset Villas just fine.

The government was paying for it all and then Didi takes her out,

and starts all this mess, and then delivers us the bill.

Mama Viv made Daddy happy,

so we're gonna have to figure this out.

And she ain't going back to no hellhole.

- I am out. - Darnell.

I hope you're happy.

- Oh, my God. - You used that woman for your own purposes.

Currying favor with her for 27 years

- from Arthur Ashe to... - Oh, you...

You are not still harping on that!

After all this time? Knock it off!

You said that he had no business demonstrating and getting arrested

- over South Africa and Haiti. - No.

That is not what I said.

I said it was a shame he had to do that

instead of concentrating on getting well.

That's not what you... That is what I...

Didi, that's not... you...

You was currying favor with her

by denigrating Arthur Ashe because you knew

that we knew that you intentionally

got pregnant and then forced Darnell to marry you.

But if you could get the white lady

to like you best, you could just trump it all.

Just wipe it all away. That's what's really going on here.

And you use her to keep me in my place,

- to isolate me in this family. - Yvette!

What? If my dreams are going up in smoke,

- I'm telling it like it is! - Terrible, making all this ruckus.

It sounded like some good shit was coming down.

I do not want to talk about it.

I understand you won't nominate my paper

nor let me be on a panel.

Is... is this because of Anne?

- Something she said about me? - What?

Is it because I beat you for the Helen Tillman prize 2 years running?

Alice, I'm merely afraid that your putrescines

and cadaverines might overwhelm the discussion

on alternatives to the indwelling catheter.

Why haven't you seen me?

What has she said about me?

Is this about my vaginal creme?

Um, not per se.

Maybe she has a thing against homeopaths.

You're afraid of an alternate approach to vaginosis.

And you undervalue placebo.

Why are we so good at placebo and you aren't?

Do you ever ask yourself that?

My patients get better. That's a fact.

Do you wonder why? Or do you just dismiss it all,

"Oh, Dr. Marvel just has a nice bedside manner"?

No, I don't think that, because I don't think

that you have a nice bedside manner

because I don't think you're nice, not one bit.

- Well, got that right. - Excuse me?

Her libido is insatiable.

- She made me get a strap-on. - Huh?

A strap-on, Jenna.

- Oh. - Why are we fighting?

We've all dedicated our careers to the cause of women's health.

Because she's trying to monopolize the vagina.

Because you're trying to get into my Hall of Vendors.

Oh, for pity's sake, Jenna, there's plenty of room

in there, for the 3 of us.

Everyone knows, the only reason this symposium exists is a vanity thing,

to rehabilitate your reputation

after the moral cloud this ward's been under...

My conference is not vanity.

- There's no moral cloud here... - No, you're trying to muzzle us,

and rigging the Helen Tillman prize,

well, that prize is now meaningless

because you stacked the deck.

You know, she's right.

You are selfish and a little greedy, Jenna.

Let's go, Anne.

- Let's leave her to her miserable self. - Mm-hmm.

I know what a snap-on is.

Crystal.

Yes?

We tell stories about ourselves to save face...

or appear heroic or virtuous

to protect ourselves from the messes that we've made,

how we failed as custodians of the spark of life

that was placed in us at birth.

But we can forgive ourselves.

And we have to...

because nobody else will.

It still hurts when I cough.

Yeah...

Why don't we get you up to 4 for that x-ray.

- I'll get her shackles. - No I think that we can...

forgo those as long as we leave your legs here.

Thank you.

We'll get you up to 4 now, ma'am.

She only wants her dignity.

There. There you go.

I got you a Care Bear

and I got you orchids...

'cause Care Bears are so stupid.

It's my first "get well" gift.

Oh...

Excuse me, Dawn, can we have a minute?

What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be normal?

Over-inflating all the time, you're spoiling this.

- I'm spoiling it? - Yeah.

With your projections and fucking fantasies.

Hello, it's a fantasy marriage.

Yeah, well this is not how I'd want my fantasy wife to behave, okay?

Well, I'm really sorry. I guess I just don't know

what you expect from a fake marriage.

Dennis, please whatever it is, just don't.

Why are you even here? Why did you take this assignment?

I... I wanted to support you... and have sex with you.

- Okay, I can't... - Dennis.

What? We used to have sex here all the time.

In the stairwell in Hydrology...

Now I think you're using the excuse of his mother

so you can be with him.

Dennis, that's not true.

You told me you didn't want to fuck him anymore,

and if that's changed, I need to know now.

Do you want to screw him?

You know, this isn't fair, you both ganging up on me like this.

No matter how hard I try, I never make anyone happy.

- Dawn... - Dawn, are you all right?

You. Nurse. You must leave her alone.

- She has special circumstances. - Okay, what special circumstances?

Didi?

Unh-unh.

I asked you not to tell her, Didi.

Oh, my God, Dawn.

Can I tell you, I feel so darn bad about this.

Why didn't you come to me?

After all these years, aren't we like a family?

You never treated me that way.

How could you not have told me?

Why are you pretending you didn't know?

Mommy, no. Please.

Oh, shit!

She's gonna break her fucking neck!

Whoa, look at her go!

- Fuck you! - She's rolling across all 4 lanes of Carson Blvd!

- You asshole! - She did it again.

She'll be drunk at a campfire by midnight.

"When the night is dark and scary"

"and the moon is full and creatures are a flying"

"and the wind goes, 'Whooooooo,'"

"you better mind your parents,"

"and your teachers fond and dear,"

"and cherish them that loves ya,"

"and dry the orphan's tears,"

"and help the poor and needy ones,"

"that cluster all about..."

"or the goblins will get ya,"

"if you don't watch out."

♪ If you go down in the woods today ♪

♪ You're sure of a big surprise ♪

♪ If you go down in the woods today ♪

♪ You better go in disguise ♪

♪ For every bear that ever there was ♪

♪ Will gather there for certain because ♪

♪ Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Every teddy bear who's been good is sure... ♪